While things with Heba's case had died down, though not with a good ending, SVU gradually seemed to fall back into its normal routine that week. There was only one thing that was still up in the air for everyone to see.
Montserrat was on her way out of the bullpen while Rafael was coming in. He walked on like nothing but despite his efforts to keep going, he came to a stop anyways. He had fresh new thoughts thanks to one Carisi who, for some reason, had gotten the idea that he, somewhere along the way, had developed some feelings for Montserrat. Rafael thought that was probably the moment he ever felt so much anger towards one person. Needless to say, he'd thrown Carisi out of his office with the threat that he better not say such ridiculous things in his face again.
That had been this morning. It was lunch time now which had given him some time to think about Carisi's words, no matter how uncomfortable it made him.
"Montserrat?" Rafael had gone back to the hallway and stopped the detective halfway towards the elevator. She turned back and, for the first time that week, she didn't look like she would kill him on the spot. "I know you're not speaking to me but...I just need to say that I'm sorry. Again. I'm really sorry. I was never owed any of your secrets and...I still screwed up."
Montserrat could immediately see differences between now and then. She had finally managed to control her feelings. Before today, she was furious beyond belief. If this was still before, she wouldn't have heard Rafael out - she'd probably curse him and then leave. But that hadn't been getting her anywhere expect for fueling more rage. For her sake - and for the sake of her blood pressure - she needed to calm down. After all, like she once admitted to her therapist, Rafael accidentally letting her secret out took away the fear of having to do it herself. She hadn't been brave enough to tell the squad of her plans. And now, with a clearer mind, she could straight away see the guilt on Rafael's face.
"I know," Montserrat said quietly, even nodding her head to show she'd heard him loud and clear. The mere fact she'd listened was already surprising for Rafael. "And I'm sorry it took me this long to understand."
Rafael gave her an uneasy look. She was acting too strange, too...180. "... you're not upset anymore?"
"I mean, I am but…" Montserrat drew in a deep breath and sighed, "I'm... I'm leaving for Brooklyn," she instead said, now truly surprising Rafael. "I'm visiting their Homicide division for a few days. I think it's a good idea to put some space between me and everything here."
"Right," Rafael agreed, although he wasn't sure why he would. He didn't like it.
"I should be back on Friday."
"Your birthday?"
There was visible dislike for that reminder. "Friday," Montserrat reiterated. She offered him one small smile then turned to leave.
There was a feeling in the pit of Rafael's stomach warning him that even if Montserrat returned, things would not be the same as before. He didn't quite like that either.
~ 0 ~
Montserrat packed light, after all she was only going to be gone for two days. She argued with Kara probably during all her packing and preparation time.
Kara was relentless that Montserrat was running away from problems. And she was not quiet about it either. "Montserrat Irene Novak, this is the most childish thing you have ever done!"
Montserrat scoffed after shoving in a blouse enter suitcase. "Really? Going to observe a different division is childish?"
"When you're doing it to avoid facing reality, uh, yeah it is!"
Montserrat rolled her eyes and continued moving around her room to get the last of her things into a suitcase. "I promise you, Kara, that I am not running away. I really think some space is what I need to clear my head and maybe get rid of any lingering anger I have. Hell, I think it might even be good for us to have some space. We might end up killing each other."
"I think you're doing things wrong," Kara folded her arms. "And it is kind of scaring me because I've never seen you act like this before."
Okay, that one Montserrat would give to Kara. She was confused herself why she needed to do all this just to be okay again. But the point was that she needed to do this.
"It'll just be for a few days and then I'll be back," Montserrat said with a cheery smile.
"Well, what if you end up liking it there?" Kara frowned for a second. "And you don't want to come back."
Montserrat thought about that possibility and could only shrugged. "Then I like it."
"Montserrat!" Kara whined.
"What?" Montserrat laughed for a bit. "Kara, you and I were supposed to be only temporary roommates, remember? I was supposed to find my own place eventually."
"Well, yeah, but…" Kara shifted on her feet, looking more like a child than an adult right now. "You're my best friend. It's kind of fun living with you."
"Thanks," Montserrat offered the woman a smile. "But I just have to go. I'm sorry."
Kara saw there wasn't no point in arguing with her. She'd made her choice to go, but it didn't mean Kara would stop hoping Montserrat hated the place.
~0~
Two steps into the Brooklyn Homicide bullpen and everyone already knew who Montserrat was. She felt bombarded with all the "hello's" she got as soon as she walked in. There was a moment where Montserrat felt overwhelmed enough to turn around and leave.
"Miss Novak," a tall, older man emerged from the Captain's office. He was already gray on the head but he had piercing green eyes that looked like they could catch anything wrong in a second. "You made it. And I see that my squad has already given you a vibe of our dynamic."
"Uuh, yeah," Montserrat couldn't come up with anything to actually say right now. She didn't like being the center of attention from strangers.
"Captain Delisle," the man held a hand to shake with Montserrat. She smiled and shook hands.
"Montserrat Novak. Can I ask how everyone knew who I was before they even saw me?"
"Simple, you're the only redhead we know in the building," one of the detectives answered from their desk. Montserrat turned to give a strange look, making the man laugh. "Kidding. We know your cousin? ADA Novak? You guys got the same hair."
"Oh," Montserrat didn't know if that was worse or better than the former explanation.
"Alright, Detective Novak is here to observe how we run things in this precinct so let's make a good impression," the Captain said. "Novak, if you'd stay you'd be Mulvoy's partner," he directed her towards a man who'd risen from his desk at the call of his name.
"Jake Mulvoy," the detective introduced himself as he crossed through the desks to shake hands with Montserrat.
"Montserrat," she smiled politely. He looked nice enough, though there wasn't that playfulness Sonny seemed to naturally carry.
"Please treat Montserrat well as she visits us. She might become one of ours by the end of the week," Delisle said playfully then spoke to Montserrat. "We can talk at the end of the day to see how you like it here and discuss other things."
Montserrat nodded and was freed to mingle through the bullpen. She got to know the rest of the detectives, which she immediately could tell would not be like her SVU squad. For one, Detective Miranda Kim was, to put it in simple terms, was a downright bitch. It appeared that Mulvoy's previous partner was Kim's best friend who was transferred to a different department. In Kim's eyes, Montserrat was there to replace her best friend.
Great.
Detective Xavier Lance, Kim's partner, was a somewhat better person. He was tall, had a charming smile, and was kind to newcomers. He lamented their old detective's transfer but was excited for the prospect of a new co-worker. He kind of reminded Montserrat of Nick, except that Lance could be a bit more snippy once you started asking questions about their specific cases. It was as if Lance thought Montserrat was there to steal the cases they were already working on.
"Don't worry about them," Detective Connor Shein brought Montserrat to his desk. He wasn't as tall as Lance but he was still taller than Montserrat. He had nice blue eyes and rather shaggy brown hair. "They're a little more on the reserved side. But they're good detectives."
His partner, Detective Paulina Quell, was a smiley blonde woman that made Montserrat instantly think of Amanda. The only difference was Paulina was taller. And no accent. She came to stand beside Montserrat and placed a gentle hand on Montserrat's arm. "Yeah, if you stay they'll warm up to you."
"Would you like to see some of our cases right now?" Shein asked Montserrat and gestured to the files sitting on his and Quell's desks.
"Sure," Montserrat gave a nod. "It'll almost be like a trip down memory lane since I used to work homicide back in Queens."
"You did?" Mulvoy suddenly asked then exchanged looks with Shein and Quell stopping to glance at each other then to look at the ginger.
"You've been around then," chuckled Quell. "Homicide and SVU? Which one do you like better? If that's not a weird question…"
"Well, they each have their own things," admitted Montserrat. "Homicide you don't know how to deal with live victims which saves you a lot of sleepless nights and standoffs with the victims and their families. But SVU gives a little bit more of a satisfaction because when you do get the victims' culprit, you got the satisfaction of knowing that you got the guy and you made justice for someone who's alive to see it." And as Montserrat said these words, she grew distant with thoughts. SVU, however challenging at times, always brought a different type of satisfaction when they were able to put the culprit away because more than often the victim was still alive to see it happen. They could see the impact they made on the victim. Homicide didn't offer that.
"Do you mind if we ask you why you're thinking about transferring here?" Shein asked quietly. "I mean, you've started making a name for yourself back in Manhattan."
"I have?" blinked Montserrat. That's the first time she heard any of that.
"Yeah, you and SVU as a whole. You guys are pretty good at what you do over there," Quell said and had the agreeing nods from the other two detectives. "I mean, don't get us wrong, we would love to have you on board with us but we're just a little curious why you would want to leave that department that's doing so well?"
"Fair question," Montserrat nodded. "It's just personal reasons. Um, just wanting to see if Homicide is my true calling." Well, she couldn't very well say the truth here could she? Still, the answer was deemed good enough for the two detectives.
For the rest of the day, Montserrat spent her time going through cases with Mulvoy, Quell and Shein, featuring remarks from Lance but absolutely nothing from Kim. She got to know a few of the officers lingering in the office, and most importantly she began to get the feel of the squad as a whole.
"So, how do you like it here?" Captain Delisle asked once they were both seated in his office.
"It's different than what I'm used to now," Montserrat began with, considering it was the easiest things you could say that didn't involve a lie.
"I'm sure it is," Delisle nodded. "I've talked to your sergeant and she doesn't seem like she wants to let you go. But that didn't stop her from giving me good remarks about you."
"Olivia's very kind," Montserrat said with a small smile. "Too kind."
"May I ask why you're looking to transfer?"
If Montserrat was score how many times she'd been asked that question today, she'd probably lose count. It was a fair question, she knew, but it didn't mean she wanted to keep hearing it. It involved a lot of things she couldn't (and didn't) want to talk about.
"I used to do Homicide," Montserrat began with what Delisle probably already knew, "And it was hard, sometimes, to see what we had. The corpses. The way they died. But sometimes, SVU is a little harder. We typically have live victims and...hearing what they've gone through…"
"It's tough," Delisle nodded. "But someone's gotta do it, right?"
Montserrat took those words more to heart than she planned to. "...yeah…" She felt her phone buzz inside her pocket but didn't get it right away.
"Well, we'll see you tomorrow then. Hopefully by then you'll have made your decision regarding where you want to be," Delisle got up to shake hands with her then led her out the door.
As Montserrat checked her phone, Detectives' Mulvoy, Shein and Quell called to her from their desks.
"Hey, how'd it go?" Mulvoy's question didn't register for the first few seconds as Montserrat had focused too much on her phone.
A smile came to her face after checking the new text message she'd received from Rafael.
If you haven't already had dinner, try Morgan's Barbecue. I think you might like. Your type of food I...
"Hey, Novak?" Quell's voice finally broke through Montserrat's concentration.
The ginger looked up from her phone with blinking eyes. "I'm sorry?"
Quell only chuckled. "We were just wondering how'd it go with the Captain."
"Oh, it's fine. I'll be back tomorrow to keep observing. Thank you for letting me do that, by the way. I know it's probably annoying to have some newbie looking over your shoulder."
"Nah, it's fine," Shein assured. "Better to know what you're getting into before you put in your papers."
Montserrat nodded. She looked down at her phone for a quick second then smiled. "Would either of you know where Morgan's Barbecue is?"
~0~
As much as they offered, Montserrat reassured the Homicide detectives that she was fine eating dinner on her own. She was tired anyways so she wasn't sure if she'd even eat inside or just do take out in her hotel.
She had to admit the restaurant was nice, though. Its lights were dim to give it a nightly look, but gave off a relaxing atmosphere from the moment one stepped inside. When Montserrat saw bar right on the side, she immediately pictured Rafael coming in at least four times a week. The stock looked pretty full...and good.
She eventually found herself drifting towards the bar counter after having enough of looking around. From there, she looked at the menu and, to her delight, found that there was indeed many barbecue options. After ordering, she started going through the wine selection and was surprised to see so many options. They seemed to have a lot on whiskey so of course Rafael would know the place.
"Now I know why you came here," she mumbled her thought about Rafael. He could get over the barbecue because of what was at the bar. She was so focused on choosing a drink, she didn't notice someone taking a seat beside her.
"Can I buy you a drink?"
Montserrat, of course, flinched and looked up from the menu to find a blonde sitting next to her stool. "Me?"
The man nodded. "Who else? You're the only pretty redhead in this place."
Montserrat cleared her throat and offered one polite smile. "Thanks, but...no thanks."
"Are you waiting for someone?"
"No, but I'm not interested. I've got...things going on." What things Montserrat spoke about she had no idea, but neither did the man anyways.
"I'm James," the man first introduced himself, giving Montserrat the indication he was not leaving soon. "I come here every week, so believe me I know the best drinks here."
"Well, my friend probably came here everyday so I'll just go with his recommendations, thank you," she smiled ever-so-politely as she got up from her stool and picked up her menu and bag, "And just so we're clear, this is my definite no. Don't need to show you my SVU badge, do I?" her snappiness came as a surprise to James but she didn't stop to see his full reaction as she stormed off to take a seat at the very end of the bar.
Okay, maybe she shouldn't have been that snappy since the man hadn't really done anything except ignore her first 'no'.
One of the bartenders, a woman who looked just a bit older than Montserrat, stopped by Montserrat's new seat to chuckle. Montserrat could see the name 'Elise' written on the bartender's name tag. "Nice one. I don't see a lot of snippy women around here. It's like they're too scared of being mean or something."
"Well, I'm a bit guilty right now, so…" Montserrat admitted.
"Oh don't be," Elise waved a hand to the side. "That guy's in here every night trying to pick up women. And let me tell you-" she leaned an elbow on the counter, "-that he is not interested in dating, if you know what I mean."
"Oh, well in that case, screw him," Montserrat nodded, making the bartender chuckle.
Elise gave an approving nod of her head. "What can I get you, then?"
"Honestly," Montserrat put a hand over the closed menu on the counter, "I have no idea. I'm from Manhattan and, really, the only reason I'm here is because a friend who used to live here in Brooklyn told me I should come here. Though now that I think more about it, I assume he only ever came in here for drinks than actual dinner. Rafael's more of a eat-while-on-the-job guy than actual breakfast, lunch and dinner."
Elise seemed to pause for a second, something Montserrat caught but wasn't sure how to ask about it. Luckily, Elise spoke up after a few seconds of pondering. "You wouldn't happen to be talking about Rafael Barba, would you?"
Montserrat blinked, and somehow nodded slightly. "...yeah...how did you…?"
Elise smiled at the woman's confusion. "You said SVU before and then Manhattan, plus what you mentioned about a friend living in Brooklyn? The name was just a bonus."
"Wow, maybe you're the detective in this conversation," Montserrat tilted her head, honestly impressed by the woman.
Elise laughed for a moment, but Montserrat seemed dead serious which just made Elise laugh even more. "Okay, you're definitely his type."
Instead of snapping like she usually tended to, Montserrat quietly sighed and closed her eyes. "I'm not…" she didn't even bother with the same response. She opened her eyes and came at it from another angle. "Can I ask you something?" Elise nodded her head. "I literally said 'friends' like two or three times so...why would you say something like that to me?"
"What - the being 'his type' thing?" Elise asked and Montserrat nodded. "Rafael used to come here every night, literally every night, when he worked for the Brooklyn DA's office. So believe me when I tell you I know him very well."
"Were you and him…?" Montserrat found herself asking and when she realized it, she felt a warmth on her face. "Sorry. Didn't mean to ask that…"
Elise just smiled again. "Nah. We just really bonded over what drinks were the best. Though due to his profession I lost almost every argument."
"He's snippy but not impossible to win, believe me," Montserrat said all too proudly. "I've won a few rounds against him."
"I believe that based on how you got rid of that guy earlier," Elise smirked. "I told Rafael he'd meet his match sooner or later. Too bad it's not yet happened, huh?"
Montserrat was more pensive than she would've liked to be. As Elise recommended some of the drinks she thought were good, Montserrat's head was somewhere else - more specifically on someone else.
~ 0 ~
"Okay, just, please change if you get a stain or something," Kara trailed after Sonny into the bullpen, ignoring his looks for her to stop talking and the others' amused smiles.
Sonny went straight to his desk and plopped down, but that didn't stop Kara either. She was a woman with a plan today and she was getting things done. "And you said you'd be out by 7:00, right?"
"I guess," Sonny shrugged.
"What's going on, Carisi?" Amanda just couldn't stop smiling at the pair. "You had lunch for an hour, what could you possibly have done in that hour?"
"Nothing," Sonny scowled, and thankfully Kara was still there to clarify.
"I'm just making sure everything's good for Montse's birthday," the woman smiled excitedly.
"Oh right, that's today," Amanda looked to Fin and Nick, all three realizing it was indeed Montserrat's birthday today.
"Yup! And I'm expecting everyone at eight o'clock today. It's Montse's favorite restaurant," Kara wagged a finger at them as if she were speaking with children.
"Yeah, but, Montserrat's still away in Brooklyn," Nick thought Kara needed a reminder since the woman was probably going detail-crazy. "What if she's not back today?"
"She said she would be," Kara shrugged. "I don't think she needs more than 2 days to realize Brooklyn ain't happening."
"How are you so sure?" asked Fin.
"Because I'm Montse's best friend and I know she's not going to stay in Brooklyn," Kara seemed very sure of herself they almost believed it. "So-" she clapped her hands together, "-we're all set for eight, right?"
"Set for what?" Olivia asked as she'd only caught the last part of Kara's question.
Kara looked back to see her and Rafael coming into the bullpen. She grinned, though, because now she had all of them in one place. "Montserrat's birthday, remember?"
The two in question looked at each other then nodded.
"Yes, what about it?" Rafael was the one to ask.
"What do you mean?" Kara raised an eyebrow. "It's today."
"Yes, and she asked us, many times, not to celebrate it," Rafael reminded her, looking pretty serious in that he'd be following the request.
"But that's what everyone says," Kara rolled her eyes.
"But she means it," Olivia said, internally sighing because she knew without a proper explanation Kara would never give up this birthday party. "And that's what Rafael and I are going to do."
"You're not coming?" Kara's face fell but was quickly replaced with offence. "Neither of you?"
The two shook their heads. Behind Kara, the rest of the squad exchanged confused looks amongst each other.
"It's what Montserrat wanted," Rafael reminded once again but with a touch more annoyed.
"Oh of course you're going to listen to her," Kara waved him off. "You still want to get into her good graces."
"I decided that a long time ago. I don't need your incessant shouting for us to do something Montserrat specifically asked us not to."
Seeing Kara getting actually mad, Sonny shot up from his seat with the intention of removing the stressor - which in this case, unfortunately, was his girlfriend. "Kara, let me take you to your car."
"Fine," Kara said and only because she was on a tight schedule. She let Sonny walk her towards the exit but she stopped at Rafael's side. "But you and I both know that Montserrat would want you to come. And you want to be there anyways."
The glare Rafael was giving Kara wasn't something anyone wanted to be caught under, but Kara just smirked and went on her way rather proudly.
Sonny mumbled a quick 'sorry' to Rafael as he followed Kara out into the hallway. Of course once they were out of hearing shot, he had a go with Kara. "You can't do stuff like that!"
Kara just rolled her eyes while she waited for the elevator to open. When they finally did, Sonny blocked the way inside with an arm.
"I'm serious, Kara. That wasn't okay!"
Kara's eyes flickered to the detective, getting annoyed by the second. "Let me go through, right now. I have plans I can't be late for." With a sigh, Sonny did but he followed her in. Kara pressed the down button then stepped back and allowed a heavy silence to fall on them for a couple seconds. "I'm not choosing to be an ass, you know."
Sonny still lightly sighed. "I didn't say that-"
"-no, but you're thinking it."
"No," Sonny said loudly for it to be clearly clarified. "I just disagree with how you're taking this whole...situation. I don't think it's your place-"
"-my best friend is in Brooklyn right now, thinking about staying to live there!" Kara exclaimed and walked out the moment the elevator door opened again. "I have to do something and, unfortunately for Rafael, he's the only one I can think of who can stop Montse. And you know why, Sonny, so stop pretending like those two are."
"Okay," Sonny put his hands on Kara's shoulders, hoping to calm her down before she left the building. Now that he saw where her mind was, he could help better. "You don't want Montse to leave and that's completely understandable. What's not going to work, however, is you harassing both Montse and Rafael. It's not going to end well and you know that."
"I'm desperate here!" Kara frowned. "I don't want her to leave, and much less run away from someone. Doesn't it feel like that?"
Sonny bobbed his head while he considered the idea. "On some level, sure, but...we can't be 100% sure about it. We'll just have to wait for Montserrat to come back and tell us her decision. In the meantime, let's just make sure she has a nice welcome back party."
"It's a birthday party," Kara pointed.
"Well she didn't want that so let's call it a welcome back party or she might just hurt us."
"Good point," Kara nodded.
"So...we good…?"
Kara's smile said it all. "Yeah." She let him hug her tightly for a few minutes before it was time for her to really go.
~ 0 ~
"Just out of curiosity, will you be going to this party?" Rafael simply could not help himself with the matter. He watched Olivia drop her things at her desk and give him quite a look.
"I thought you were smarter than this," she said bluntly. "Of course not. I respect Montserrat's wishes and I wished everyone else did too." Now it was Rafael's to give her a look. She noticed it after sitting down. "What?"
Rafael tilted his head at her, continuing to stare at her until she shifted in her seat. "You know more than I do."
Olivia raised an eyebrow at him, clearly not getting what he meant. "What?"
"You're the only one actually not going," Rafael continued with his words, letting Olivia wallow in confusion for the next minute, "And that can only mean you know exactly why Montserrat hates her birthday. Like Casey."
Olivia shook her head, doing that noise with her mouth that Rafael had come to learn was her 'You got me but I'm not admitting' noise.
"Casey's also not attending," he said for her sake. "What is it that made you and Casey so trustworthy that Montserrat decided to confide in only you two?"
Though Olivia would never openly admit that he was right, she did turn her gaze back on him. "Why do you sound so bothered by it?"
"No so much 'bothered' as I am tired of this same subject."
"Look, I cannot say anything except what you already know. And what we know is that this party will only hurt Montserrat, and us attending - just as everyone else - will only show that we don't care what she decided."
While that sounded logical, Rafael had to disagree. He didn't say it because there was no point. Olivia knew what he didn't, and no matter how much he asked her, she would never tell him because Montserrat wouldn't tell him.
But there was this idea of his that compelled him to do the opposite of what Olivia and Casey were planning. Sure, Montserrat would hate anyone who attended this godforsaken party, but if he, Olivia and Casey didn't go then she would be stuck with the clueless people who believed she wanted the party. At least if one of them went, they could help her out.
~ 0 ~
When Montserrat entered her apartment, it was a literal twenty minute hug-fest from Kara. Montserrat felt truly loved in that moment, as well as a little claustrophobic.
"I'm just so glad you're back!" Kara exclaimed as Montserrat was finally able to peel her off. "And happy birthday!"
As Kara went for another hug, Montserrat dove to the side and wheeled her suitcase towards the hallway. "Thanks, but...please don't."
"Oh c'mon, don't go to your room," Kara tailed after the ginger down the hallway. "Let's go out for some drinks. My treat."
"I'm not in the mood for it, Kara," Montserrat opened her bedroom door and walked in, along with Kara.
"But it'll be fun! And relaxing! Plus, you can tell me about Brooklyn. You can start with whether or not you'll be moving."
Montserrat sighed as she brought her suitcase to her bed. "I just...Kara, I've said this before over and over...I don't like my birthday. I'd really rather stay in my room."
"Well that's just depressing," Kara folded her arms over her chest. "And I'm not leaving until you say you'll get drinks with me."
"You're being extra childish today," Montserrat took notice. "Who pissed you off today?"
Kara would love to say it was her almost boyfriend but she knew if she did Montserrat would never agree to going out. "I'm a little upset you won't come out with me, that's all."
With another sigh, Montserrat turned to her roommate. "I'm sorry. I really did miss you, though."
A smile returned to Kara's face. "Then c'mon! Let's go out! Couple drinks and then we can come home."
Montserrat nearly rolled her eyes. She knew this 'drink night' was really Kara's surprise party that wasn't such a surprise. She did have to hand it to Kara in that she was persistent and thoughtful. She should be more grateful, she knew, but her birthday still felt...wrong. Like, what was she meant to celebrate? Her rapist was still out there, living his own life, while she had to switch jobs, move cities, make new friends.
But you did have some good times, she thought after a moment.
Yes, she did switch jobs but she did find SVU to be a good place. The city was okay too. And her new friends? Yeah, they were good too. She couldn't deny she hadn't been handed some good things this year but...it was hard to focus just on that when the bad was so...impacting.
"Montse?" Kara was now putting her hands together to plead. "Let's go out, yeah? For a little bit?"
"I'm going to regret this," Montserrat mumbled under her breath before agreeing.
Kara was ecstatic and, to Montserrat's surprise, she already had an outfit in mind for the night. Though after a moment, Montserrat realized she should've seen this coming. Still, she told herself to be prepared for this party and its livelihood she wasn't quite ready for.
~0~
Montserrat's mind raced the moment she stepped into the restaurant. Everyone screamed 'Surprise!' and while they cheered for her and wished her a happy birthday, Montserrat kept a tight smile on her face as she thanked each person. It shouldn't have been that hard considering these were people she liked. There was Sonny, Fin, Amanda, Nick...there was Madison and Caroline. Her father was even there, sans Damian, Gael and his daughters.
"Yeah they're still away on that seminar," Montserrat's father said after giving her a hug. "But he wishes you a happy birthday too."
"Thanks Dad," Montserrat said.
"How does it feel being 30 now?" He picked up his glass of bourbon from the table.
"Honestly, not that great," Montserrat knew that was as much as she could say without lying.
He didn't get it of course. "Yeah, I remember that one. But this doesn't mean you're old, sweetie. Just means a new chapter of your life is starting." Montserrat nodded, listening to his words but as seconds passed by she felt like she had to breathe harder. "Could be that this is the year you finally settle down…"
"Oh, Dad…" Montserrat knew this topic definitely wouldn't help her feel any better.
"I'd like some more grandkids, dear-"
Montserrat nearly choked on her saliva. A certain memory was popping into her mind and it was not letting her breathe easily. As her dad went on and on about new grandchildren, Montserrat started to feel like she was going to drown. Eventually, she just couldn't do it. "Sorry Dad, I gotta go." She turned away and made a hasty stride for the entrance doors. She practically shoved some people out of the way, ignoring their dirty looks, till she could see the doors. Her heart was racing and she honestly felt like if she didn't breathe in fresh air she would pass out.
Am I having an anxiety attack? Montserrat realized this was a possibility. It never really manifested past biting her nails but it certainly wasn't impossible. She had feared her birthday for months and now that it was finally here she was spiraling.
She practically slammed the doors behind her and leaned against them, breathing hard and fast but at least she was outside now. Oh dear Lord help me. She closed her eyes for a moment and focused on just breathing.
"Montserrat?"
Montserrat nearly fell from the door - if that was even possible considering she'd been leaning against it - but got her balance in time. She saw Rafael cautiously approaching her, probably wondering what the hell was wrong with her. "You came…"
"Yes, and I know you didn't want this-" Rafael made a nod at the restaurant where they could hear the loud party going on, "-but I'm not here as a guest."
"You're not?" She leaned away from the door and looked him over. He wore a white collar shirt with a dark jacket and matching pants. "Because you're dressed like one."
"I could say the same about you," he countered with the same accusing tone she used, only his came with a smirk.
Montserrat wore a sleeveless, tight, black dress that hugged her body and ended a bit above her knees. There was a golden necklace around her neck, bringing some attention to her plunging neckline. Her red lips didn't smile nor smirk like they usually would.
"It wasn't my choice," she frowned. "Kara had everything planned…everything."
"You don't look good…" he noted her nervousness, accompanied with a frantic glance at the restaurant.
"Yeah, I'm not," she didn't hesitate to confirm. "I'm, well…"
"Not good?"
"Yeah," she bit her lower lip. She awkwardly folded her arms over her chest. "I thought I could handle it but it turns out that I can't, and if I don't get out of here I'm going to lose it."
Even though it was a quick paced ramble, Rafael followed perfectly. "Do you want to go home? You know that's why I came. I may not know what's going on but I would like to help you."
Montserrat could appreciate that and she would take it. She glanced at the restaurant before deciding she really did need to go. "Let's have drinks. Somewhere away from here."
"Are you sure-"
"-yes," she said rapidly. "Let's go!"
Well, he wouldn't argue with that. She looked like she would chew someone's head off at the first chance she got and he was not putting himself on the line. Luckily for her, he was an expert at knowing places that had great drinks.
Once Montserrat was in the presence of a new, peaceful restaurant she seemed to act more like herself. "Thank you." Her gratitude was so quiet Rafael almost missed it.
"Of course."
The two had sat down at a particularly empty bar counter. They'd already ordered some drinks and were just waiting.
"So you came to this party just to...help?"
Rafael bobbed his head. "More or less. My logic was that I'd be the only one who knew you actually hated the damn party so I could actually help you out."
"Well thank you," Montserrat honestly said, and meant it too. Who knows where she could've ended up if he hadn't shown up. "I needed it."
The bartender passed by to hand out their drinks at the same time. Rafael picked his up first and with a light smirk on his face he said, "Not-so happy birthday to you."
Montserrat chuckled as she picked up her own drink to clink with his. "Sure."
"Thirty is an awful year."
"Really? You still remember yours?"
Rafael rolled his eyes. He took a drink from his glass then set it down to reach for something inside his jacket. "Even though it's not a wanted birthday, I hope you'll accept this."
Montserrat's eyes blinked when he set down a small rectangular black box on the counter. "Please tell me you didn't actually buy something…"
"My mother would kill me if I went to a birthday party without bringing a present," Rafael said and looked dead serious about it too.
"I gotta meet your mother some time," Montserrat smirked for a moment then looked down at the present again. "But, I mean, you shouldn't have. And I know that's what a lot of people say and don't mean it but in this case I do. You shouldn't have because I said I didn't even want a birthday."
"But I'm happy you made it to another birthday. It's a small win but an important one nonetheless. And I don't know what your year was like before coming to Manhattan but I am glad you made it here."
Montserrat blushed against her better instinct. "Wow, didn't think you could say things like that." Rafael frowned for a moment, about to ask what she meant by that when she spoke up again, "... I'm staying at SVU." She rested her arms on either side of her drink.
The sweet smile on her face unintentionally reminded Rafael of a time, months ago, when they had drinks together after working their first case; though now Montserrat had shorter hair and was far more comfortable with him. Whether or not he'd wanted to, he ended up smiling as well.
"What made you decide that?"
"Honestly? It's just not the same as Manhattan," Montserrat shrugged. "Everyone's nice there, but...I like it here."
"I did say Brooklyn wasn't as nice as Manhattan," Rafael picked up his glass again to take a drink.
"Well, there were some things that...were good," Montserrat had a secret smile on her face that grew when she said, "I, uh, went to that restaurant you suggested and wouldn't you know it? I met your old friend, Elise."
Rafael choked on the alcohol in his mouth. "What?" came the scratchy voice a second later.
"Yeah," Montserrat started bobbing her head. "She remembered you and she had a lot of stories to tell."
"Don't…"
"Should we start with June 2012? The day you-"
"-I said don't, Montserrat," Rafael warned. Even the way he said her name had become sharp, but not at all terrifying. In fact, she started to laugh instead.
It didn't stop her from re-telling all the stories Elise had confided in her. And boy was there a few. With each story, it got harder for Montserrat to say it without laughing...until she just couldn't stop.
"And here I thought you went to Brooklyn for work," Rafael sourly said, side-glancing her laughing figure. He had to admit, however, that he preferred this Montserrat over the version he had earlier. She was happier, livelier...just her.
"I did, I did, but-" Montserrat couldn't help it. She just couldn't do it. She brought a hand up to her mouth to cover her laughter, but she had to lean away to get all of it out.
"Happy birthday I guess," Rafael raised his glass to the air as if toasting before taking a last drink.
"Okay! Okay! Okay! I'm done! I promise!" she had to take in a deep breath in hopes of finally calming herself down. "Here, let's switch subjects." She raised her hands to show she was done, or at least that she was going to try and be done. She noticed his present was still sitting on the counter, unopened, and that just couldn't be. "I know what'll help."
"Will it though?" Rafael sent her a hard look that subsided once she smiled again. She really had a knack for that smiling thing. Her nose seemed to crinkle each time.
Montserrat ignored his snippy question, as well as his look, in favor of the present. When she took its lid off, she found a rose-gold necklace inside with a pendant in the shape of a ballerina. The ballerina was in a dance pose - one foot on the other leg - with her skirt outlined with silver stones.
"That is...beautiful," Montserrat gawked with widened eyes. "This could not have been a $20 gift."
"You are not guilt-tripping me for this," Rafael warned, but she could see he was shifting in his stool. She was right.
"I can't take this," she shook her head. "It had to have been expensive. I can't-"
"Well, you have to because I'm not taking it back," he looked her dead in the eyes and told her the same thing with them. "It's for you." Montserrat opened her mouth as if to protest but...there wasn't much to do if he'd already decided against it. "It's for you and your ballet dancing dreams."
The fact Rafael still remembered that she'd once said she'd originally wanted to become a dancer was...it made her feel special.
She smiled so widely it could've cracked her face in two. "Can't believe you remember that."
"I remember everything you say," he said matter-of-factly then smiled for a brief moment, "Even when you're yelling it at me." She chuckled but gave that to him.
"Thank you," she said softly. She drew her hands to the back of her neck and unfastened the necklace she was already wearing. She put it down on the counter and gingerly picked up the new necklace.
"You need help?" Rafael asked her after watching her trying and failing to put on the necklace on her own.
"Please," she said and handed him the necklace. "But don't break it. You break it, you buy it."
"Because I haven't already done that?" He got up from his seat like she did.
She turned away and raised her hair off her back, giving him perfect access. As his hands moved forwards on each side of her neck, she could smell whiffs of his cologne. Each time she smelled it, she remembered she loved it. Get ahold of yourself Montserrat, she berated herself. She always did this. Every time. Without fail. Like it was a-
Rafael's fingers had brushed along her skin. He hadn't meant to, of course, but it was impossible to avoid.
Oh dear Lord. Montserrat felt chills and she really wished she could stop acting like a teenage girl but it was so difficult.
Putting a necklace on someone shouldn't be taking so long, but for some reason Rafael doddled with the task. He could smell Montserrat's perfume from where he stood and each time he did he felt like backing away was out of the question. He couldn't budge from his spot even when he was more than unprofessionally close to her. He'd never stand that close to, say, Olivia? Or Amanda?
But Montserrat was different. She always was. Whether it was her ability to keep up with his mouth or handle his snark, she always had something to throw back at him. It was like she had the perfect talent - the perfect ability - that allowed her to pull the right strings with him. And he really liked it...but it was really wrong. When his fingers touched her skin, he felt her flinch in surprise. Yet when he set the necklace on her and let his fingers stroke down her exposed skin, she didn't shy away from it.
Montserrat turned around to face him and let her hair fall back over her shoulders. "How does it look?" She asked, raising her head to give him a better view of her necklace, though Rafael could see a little more than just her neck.
"...good," he said, sounding like he needed more air. Even his nodding was off. Maybe Montserrat knew why, maybe she didn't...but she probably did. "We...should probably go," Rafael's suggestion went right over Montserrat's head.
"It's not that late, is it?" She stepped closer to him, if it was even possible, and brought her hands to his chest.
Rafael was pretty sure it wasn't late but that's not what he was going for. For someone who rarely felt nervousness, this was probably his worst case. She smelled absolutely delicious, and if he got into how she looked right now...I'm losing it. How the hell am I losing it?
Montserrat smiled sweetly and unknowingly answered his question. He watched her fingers stroke circles over his chest, playing a wicked game with him. His hand suddenly snatched one of her wrists and after taking her second one, Montserrat thought enough was enough. She kissed him.
It was surprising but Rafael wasn't ready to pull away. Her lips tasted of alcohol and when he put his hands on her waist he discovered she was curvy. He wrapped his arms around her, unknowingly reminding Montserrat that, apart from his scent, she loved the feeling of his arms. It was probably the first thing she ever noticed about him. Back when she was his witness, 9 months pregnant, he'd caught her in a moment of imbalance. He was able to once again see the very light freckles under her eyes and she saw the flecks of brown in his green eyes. He was strong, and the way he held her made her feel...protected? She didn't know if that was the right description, but it was close enough. To have him back, like this, was even better.
The two seemed to find their fit with each other in a matter of seconds (which, if they'd been more in-tune with reality, they would've been surprised by). It could've been minutes of beautiful bliss if someone's cell phone hadn't gone off.
Rafael was in a daze as he got to his phone in his pocket. He wasn't even sure if he'd actually answered it but upon hearing Sonny's voice on the other end of the line, reality started settling again. Montserrat watched him with more or less of the same daze in her eyes.
"Have I seen Montserrat?" He repeated what he was being asked. He saw Montserrat silently shake her head, almost looking like a plead. "No. I didn't even go." Rafael scrunched his face for a second, looking like he was getting irritated by the second. "I know what I said, Carisi, but I didn't! Go find her yourself!" He ended the call with that snap and turned away from Montserrat. He pressed his hands on the bar counter and leaned forwards, closing his eyes for a moment.
She recognized the look on his face. It was regret. And it hurt.
"I'm sorry, Montserrat," he apologized quietly. She opened her mouth to respond, but he cut her off before she could say anything, "It's unprofessional. And it's…" he leaned away from the bar counter and faced her once more. He looked her over, wishing nothing more than to have her all to himself.
But it wasn't right.
Least that's what he kept telling himself over and over.
Montserrat, being who she was, couldn't take his words without protest. "You can't tell me this after a kiss like that. You want me like I want you." The fact the words slipped through her lips so easily didn't even faze her at the moment. She'd need a few hours.
"Yes, but it's not-" Rafael forced himself to stop before he got more upset. He took a deep breath in and started again, though he knew he had to keep it short so that he could get the hell out of there without falling back. "It just wouldn't work. Your age, our jobs...the way we are with each other? It just can't."
Montserrat's eyes widened slightly at his words but only briefly before anger started settling across her face. That was the moment Rafael knew he had to leave. He knew if he faced her while she showed clear pain that he caused, he would not be able to leave her. At least with anger he could tell himself she'd hate him and that'd be the end of that. If he was lucky, maybe it would work out that way.
Either way, he didn't know because he finally walked out.
He was right, though, because Montserrat only spent a few minutes in rage before anguish sought her.
Author's Note: Yeeeeeeah...I may have done that *insert innocent smile emoji here*
P. S: I have created a tumblr account dedicated to my fanfic works! It's also a place where I thought anyone might want to comment about a story or even just talk! I'll probably drop some aesthetic work belonging to my stories too! Feel free to check it out, my URL is "noble-crescent" and the tag I created for any posts having to do with my work is # noblecrescentedit.