When Montserrat left Queens, she did it in a 'running away' type of way. She sealed away her Queens Homicide job, along with her co-workers and friends. She had no desire to return to the city, but some of the people living in that part...she probably could do with seeing again.

Jonah Sanders was a lively man who seemed to laugh with ease. Either he was too kind or he really did think things were funny coming from Fin. They were cracking jokes in the break room while they got some drinks out of the soda machines.

Montserrat had walked out first and found Amanda huddled in front of her laptop. "DMV?" her voice startled the blonde way too much. "You okay?"

Amanda gave a quick nod of her head. "Yeah, yeah. I'm... you know, a friend of mine keeps getting tickets even though he parks in a garage. So I'm just... I'm checking it out for him."

"Careful with favors. You know how I.A. can be," Montserrat opened up her soda and leaned against her desk.

Amanda gave another nod then looked over her shoulder to see the men starting to walk into the bullpen. "Your friend's cute."

"Mm," Montserrat shrugged.

"So you were Montserrat's old partner?" Sonny pointed at Jonah as they joined the women.

Jonah nodded his head. "Yup. For four years it was me and her. But don't worry, I'm not here to steal her back or anything."

"Not that I'd let you," Montserrat pointed out. Jonah agreed there, remembering Montserrat's tough personality.

"We have a visitor?" Olivia's voice drew the group's attention to the entrance where she and Rafael were coming in. They'd finally settled Clare Wilson's case with the Hudson County. Fraud charges begone!

"Detective Jonah Sanders," the man in question introduced himself and shook hands with Olivia first. As they did, Olivia's eyes seemed to squint while she tried to place his face.

"That's our Sergeant Olivia Benson," Montserrat said, "And our ADA Rafael Barba."

"I know," Jonah surprised Montserrat, and the others, and chuckled at the expressions he got. "Your reputations precede both of you." He shook hands with Rafael next, but somehow Jonah's demeanor did not strike well with Rafael.

Wonder why.

"Jonah's my old partner from Homicide," Montserrat added in and missed Olivia's brief flash of panic on her face. Olivia now knew where she recognized him from. "He stopped by for a visit."

"On a loan for Manhattan Homicide, actually," Jonah explained. "Thought I'd stop by and see how dear Montse was doing since she cut ties with me."

"I did not...ish," Montserrat knew very well that she had.

"You're not getting rid of me for the next few days, fair warning," Jonah said, chuckling afterwards.

"Well, you're welcome here, then," Olivia said politely, though she sincerely hoped he wouldn't stay long. Beside her, Rafael thought the same.

"I'm heading out for lunch but Montse...you want to come?" Jonah asked.

"Sure," she nodded. "Liv?"

"You're good," the Sergeant nodded for her to go.

Montserrat grabbed her coat and walked along with Jonah. As she did, the rest heard a warning she was making to Jonah. "There better be barbecue on my menu."

"Jesus, Montserrat, I see your likes are still abysmal," Jonah's exclaim echoed from the hallway.

Rafael rolled his eyes as they continued to hear the clueless man go on and on about the taste Montserrat would never give up on. For a partner who'd spent a lot of hours with Montserrat, it didn't sound like he knew her very well.

~ 0 ~

Montserrat graciously accepted her plate from the waiter and readily picked up her fork to begin eating. She stopped, however, when she noticed Jonah's crinkled nose. She was having barbecued chicken.

"That's disgusting," he said flatly.

"You're just being a baby," she pointed her fork at him. "But I know you did not come here to pick a fight with me."

"Never," Jonah smiled back. "So, your SVU crew seem nice."

"They are...something," Montserrat nodded slowly. "But they are wonderful people to work with."

"And your new partner? Seems like a nice guy."

"Sonny? Yeah. Too much sometimes. He and my roommate are dating, actually, so we do spend a lot more time than the others."

"Really? Isn't that kind of weird?"

"Yeah, but, like you said, Sonny's a nice guy so it's alright," Montserrat shrugged.

"What about the others? Are they like our squad?"

"Well, there's definitely no one matched like Eliza," Montserrat thought about her old co-detective. "Eliza's got a temper that not even Nick can outmatch."

Jonah laughed. "You know she's pregnant, right?"

"Shut up!?" Montserrat gaped for a full minute. "Is she really!?"

"Oh yeah. She got married a couple months ago."

"My God, what else did I miss?"

"Um, Everett transferred to Narcotics last month. He wanted to be like you and explore new openings," Jonah shrugged. "We got a newbie, Detective Hunter. He's okay but he's got some learning to do."

"What about Colette?" Montserrat remembered the petite brunette who always had a snippy remark for their smartass suspects.

"She's there. She's actually studying for the Sergeant's exam," Jonah smiled. "We think she'll make it."

"Oh she definitely would," Montserrat said with a happy sigh. Whether or not she wanted to, she started thinking about her old squad, her friends. She hadn't talked to them in over a year.

"They miss you, you know," Jonah said, as if reading her thoughts. "We all do. The way you left, it was...it was pretty sudden, Montse. Felt like you wanted nothing to do with us anymore and we didn't even know why."

Montserrat sighed again, more weary than the first time. "That wasn't what I wanted, but...I had to."

"It was that Hallie D'Amico case, huh?" Jonah watched Montserrat wince at the name. "You were in too deep in that case."

"Yeah, I was," Montserrat honestly agreed. "Learned my lesson."

"What happened?" Jonah asked. "I mean, one moment we were celebrating D'Amico's arrest and then the next...you were gone. You didn't even testify against her."

"I couldn't look her in the face," Montserrat said quietly, her fingers gripping her fork in her hand. "I...I couldn't look any of her workers in the face." And the only one she would've liked to see in court hadn't even been caught.

"Montserrat, we were all really worried about you. You changed numbers, right?" Jonah's question was that and partly an accusation. "I called you, Eliza did, Colette...we all did, but you never tried calling us back."

Montserrat swallowed hard and, without realizing, she began to pick at the skin around her fingers. It was the habit she took to doing whenever her anxiety over her rape got too close to her. "I-I'm sorry. I...it was a hard thing to do, but I needed to do it."

"You keep saying but why?" Jonah begged for the answer. It was a question the entire squad had asked each other and never got an answer for it.

Montserrat shook her head. She couldn't answer it, even if she'd wanted to. Because, answering meant telling him the truth and she didn't want that getting out there.

Jonah seemed to have something else to say, despite not getting an answer from her. "There's another reason why I stopped by to see you. Your Sergeant came to visit Captain Carroll last month." He could instantly tell Montserrat hadn't known about that. She was giving him a look of disbelief, ready to argue against him. "I don't know what she had to say, but she looked pretty mad yet satisfied when she left Carroll's office."

"Olivia wouldn't have any necessity to talk with Carroll," Montserrat said quietly. "She doesn't even know Carroll."

"Look, all I know is that three weeks later Captain Carroll retired," Jonah leaned forwards on the table. "And we all know Carroll was intending on staying until she was forced to leave."

"How do we know that's not what happened, then? They could've just-"

"-because Carroll started acting weird after Benson visited her," Jonah answered. "She looked kind of guilty, if I had to say it. She was distant, out of place...not the Carroll we knew. She left, Montserrat, just like you did. No one's been able to get in contact with her."

Montserrat stared at him with glossy eyes. She wished, wished, it wasn't true but...Jonah wouldn't lie about something like that. And knowing Olivia, it did make sense.

"But you know why," Jonah said, startling her out of her thoughts. There was a growing accusation etching across his face and it made Montserrat shift even when she tried to fight it. "God, I know there's something you're keeping from me and the rest of the squad at Queens. You know why Carroll left. Why she doesn't want us to find her."

"I don't know," Montserrat shrugged, but Jonah wasn't having it. She felt her food coming back up her throat. Should she run? That would make you a child, she berated herself.

"I'm not an idiot, Montserrat," Jonah snapped. "You left us. Why would you do that?"

Montserrat opened her mouth, but as much as she wanted to...she couldn't say anything. That fact only irritated Jonah more.

~ 0 ~

Montserrat practically stormed into the bullpen, making a beeline for Olivia's office. She ignored Nick's calls of 'where was Amanda?' and went straight for Olivia's door.

"We need to talk!"

Olivia, on her part, was pretty rattled to find a fuming Montserrat in front of her. She pulled her glasses and settled them on the desk. "What's going on, Novak?"

Montserrat made sure the door was closed behind before she got started. "You visited my old Captain? Morgan Carroll?" Olivia's eyebrows raised together but she didn't look like she would be denying it. "Oh my God!"

"I had to do something, Montserrat," Olivia started getting up while Montserrat entered a frantic state.

"You didn't have to do anything! It wasn't your call to visit Carroll! That's why Jonah's here! Carroll retired because of you, Olivia!"

"She took the easy way out again, then," Olivia moved around her desk, reaching out to calm Montserrat down but the detective shook the hands away.

"You didn't have to do that!"

"I did because someone had to let Carroll know you were not alone. Just because she forced you to stay quiet about your rape, doesn't mean-"

"-she didn't make me do anything!"

"She did! That's exactly what manipulation is, Montserrat and I know that you know that."

Montserrat stayed quiet for a few seconds to give Olivia a look. "Carroll made the call she thought was right for the case."

"But not for you. Montserrat, a good Captain makes the best call for their squad."

"She brought down D'Amico because I kept my mouth shut. We got that terrible drug lord out of the streets. Don't tell me that coming forwards and pressing charges would've been better. Least this way we got one of them in jail."

"But your rapist is still out there, free," Olivia gently reminded. She noticed Montserrat picking at her fingers and realized it was a nervous tick. "Carroll was a terrible person and I am so sorry that I couldn't do more than getting her to retire. If it was up to me, she'd be put in jail too."

"For what?" Montserrat wearily asked. Her eyes were getting teary the more she thought about things. It was horrible thinking about this stuff all over again. She hadn't actually done it in weeks now, a full month even. "She's not the one who raped me. She's not the one who hurt me, my soul…"

Olivia looked at the woman with sympathy. "No, but she let him get away when she could've brought him in. I wish I could do that for you, Montserrat. I really wish I could."

Montserrat's shoulders shook lightly while she tried to contain her tears, but thinking about Carroll, D'Amico, her rapist and Olivia's kind words…

Her tears spilled from her eyes as she burst into tears. Olivia took the woman into a tight hug, much like she did with other victims.

~ 0 ~

The next day, Montserrat (and unknowingly to her, Amanda) called in sick. Montserrat didn't even bother getting up from bed. It seemed like it was just so easy to fall back in that funk. She avoided calls from Kara - who was outside in the hallway - she avoided Olivia's, even Jonah's.

"Montserrat?" Kara knocked on her bedroom door. "Please come out. You haven't done this in a while, girl. What happened?"

"Just leave me alone!" came the snap from Montserrat. And after the third time, Kara seemed to get the message.

But still, it didn't stop Kara from attempting to call all day that day. By the time she locked up the salon, she felt like it was worry-worthy now. And that's exactly what she told Sonny when she visited the precinct.

"She hasn't done this in months and suddenly today she doesn't want to come out of her room?" Kara looked as concerned as she was sounding.

"Maybe she just wasn't feeling well?" Sonny offered the alternate thought, but Kara shook her head.

"No, I know this believe me," she looked at the others. "Did something happen yesterday? Something that could've upset her?"

"No, she looked pretty good to us," Fin shrugged then looked to Nick for some help. "Right?"

"Yeah," Nick agreed. "She talked with Olivia and then she went home."

"Olivia?" Kara repeated, her eyes flickering to the sergeant's office. "What about?"

"We don't know," Sonny knew exactly where Kara's mind was going to. "But Olivia would never do anything to upset Montserrat."

"Well somebody did something -" Kara gasped all of a sudden and raised a finger in the air, "Where the hell is that snarky, yet good looking, ADA of yours?" She did an actual spin just to see if Rafael was anywhere nearby.

"He's not here and you need to calm down," Sonny tried to reach for her arm but she took off.

"I don't know what Barba did but he's going to get it," Fin said with a sneaky laugh.

Sonny shook his head and rushed after Kara. And even as he tried to stop her, she made a very determined trip to the DAs building. When she was mad as hell, she could be quite scary.

"What are you even going to do?" he trailed after her in the hallway. "Yell at Rafael for something he probably has no clue about?"

"You men always stick together when you shouldn't," she scoffed at him.

"I'm not picking sides, I'm just saying a big possibility-"

"-oh just leave me alone! I'm trying to help Montserrat!"

Sonny stopped at the threshold and gave a nod at Carmen. "And somehow, I don't think this is going to help," he mumbled.

Kara marched herself right into Rafael's office without so much of a knock. "You need to fix this!"

Rafael looked up from his paperwork with the same confused face the others had after Kara visited them. "Excuse me?"

"Don't play dumb with me!" she went up to his desk and slammed her hands down on the desk. "Montserrat suddenly chooses not to leave her bedroom at all? Right after you two 'decide'-" she did air quotation marks with her fingers, "-not to date? Seriously? What did you do to her?"

It was in that split moment that Rafael wondered how the hell Sonny and Montserrat put up with this woman. "Okay," he let his pen drop on the desk. "You want to tell me what the hell is going on? It's always so lovely when you visit."

"What did you do to Montse?"

"Nothing. I haven't seen her since she went out to lunch with her...partner," Rafael couldn't help the sour tinge in his tone. It's why he was engrossed with paperwork. Signatures here, signatures there, details over there...all of it just to keep his mind occupied.

Kara raised an eyebrow at him. "Are you lying?"

"No! You think I'd let you yell at me if I did something like that? Contrary to your thoughts, I don't enjoy hurting Montserrat."

"...okay…" Kara leaned away from his desk. "On an unrelated note, I totally do not support your decision but right now I'm really worried about Montserrat. Something upset her yesterday."

"Was it that overly-cheery detective from Homicide, maybe?"

"What overly-cheery detective from Homicide?"

It was Rafael's turn to give the woman a look. "Jonah what-ever-his-name is from Queens Homicide. He was here. Imagine he still is."

"I don't - okay," Kara let herself fall into one of the chairs behind her. "So, I'm not the culprit, neither is the rest of SVU, though Olivia is still pending-"

"-Olivia's what-"

Kara raised a finger for him to stop talking, "-and you're head-over jealous about this Jonah guy so it's definitely not you-"

Rafael glared at her but she ignored that as well. "-I am not-"

"-so then I gotta talk to this Jonah and then maybe bang down Montserrat's door or something." She folded her arms and sighed. "I feel like I'm gonna go crazy."

"Really? Cos I feel like you already are," Rafael mumbled that not so quietly. She threw him a look for his words but all he did was give one back.

"This is pointless," she pushed herself up from her chair. "Sorry for bothering you...and for shouting at you...and accusing you…" she turned to leave and go find Sonny when Rafael called out for her.

"Is Montserrat really that bad?"

Kara turned sideways and nodded. "Yeah. She's doing that thing where she locks herself up, literally. When she first moved in, she did that a lot. Kind of like she was...depressed or something. She'd have her ups and downs but it seemed to decrease when she started working here. So I'm a little worried that she's...falling...again."

Rafael could understand that. It would definitely explain her endeavor to get answers from him. "If you need any help…"

Kara nodded. "Thanks. I'll let you know."

When Rafael was left alone, he started to think about Montserrat's odd behavior. If he was being honest, he had to agree with Kara in that it'd been a pretty long time since Montserrat exhibited any weird behavior. The times where she would lose herself in thoughts had been shortened almost to the point of being non-existent. Her cryptic words had seemingly disappeared as well. Something had to trigger her and for a trigger to even be needed meant Montserrat dealt with something big.

Rafael couldn't go back to paperwork for that night. He began to doubt he'd get work done the next day as well if he didn't do something.

~0~

It was near noon when Montserrat got up from bed, but even then it was in pajamas and only because someone was relentlessly knocking at the door. She grabbed a robe and tied it close to her body then dragged her feet out of the room.

She didn't know what to do when she found Rafael standing on the other side, except say, "Oh God, did Kara put you up to this?"

Rafael shook his head. "No. I don't get influenced so easily."

Despite her mood, Montserrat had to scoff. "Do you not work with Olivia Benson?"

"Yes, and one Montserrat Novak too." He gave her a teasing smile she rolled her eyes to. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," Montserrat sighed and turned away.

Rafael closed the door behind them and watched her languidly walk for the kitchen table. "Still in pajamas?"

"Aren't you supposed to be working or something?" Her snap seemed to be part of a low tolerance for pretty much anything right now. She seemed agitated as well.

"It's lunch," he reminded. "Have you had any?"

"No. I'm not hungry. What did you need?"

"To see you like this in order to believe it." Montserrat threw him a look for his blunt words but being who he was, Rafael didn't waver. He meant exactly what he said. "Kara's right. It's been a long time since you've acted like this."

"Like what?" Montserrat took a seat at the table. She brought a hand to the side of her neck and rubbed her fingers over it, but even the languid manner was off.

"Odd," Rafael sat next to her and watched her carefully. "When you first started working here, there were a lot of moments where you would get lost in thoughts. Hell, you did that when we got lunch or dinner. And then when you would come back, it was like an entire wave crashed over you because it looked like you were ready to fall."

"I'm fine-"

"Do not belittle my intelligence, Montserrat Novak," Rafael expected her to go off with that warning, but instead she leaned her arms on the table and rested her head over them.

"Okay," she flatly said. She seemed so lifeless, it was…

Familiar, actually. It was too familiar. He'd been right before when he once compared her to the victims he often saw. It was the same distant eyes, the same languid movements, the lifeless tone...

"What happened?" he asked her, trying to keep some of his urgency hidden. He was beginning to understand...

Montserrat shifted her head to meet his expectant look. "Nothing." But the more she looked at him, the more she started to think he was suspecting. The mere thought made her immediately sit up and change her entire body demeanor. Her shoulders seemed to raise while her head lowered a bit. "Why are you asking it like that? I'm just having a bad day. Am I not allowed?"

Defensiveness. Montserrat was timid right now - an act alone that set off alarms - yet there was a fierceness ready to defend herself from any accusations thrown at her.

Something happened. Now Rafael wasn't sure what it was but he knew it had to be big enough, something strong enough to impact her like this; something that made her have setbacks once in a while. And if he kept prying when she wasn't ready, she'd hate him forever. So, he did what the situation offered at the moment.

He placed one hand over hers on the table and looked at her with kindness. "You're right. You are allowed. I just ask that you do not seclude yourself. There are so many people around you, Montserrat. Don't forget that." Montserrat nodded a shaky nod. "And if this whole thing has to do with that Jonah guy, you remind him you don't owe him anything. You can also shoot him if you need to. I'll look the other way. So will Casey."

Montserrat's face slowly formed a smile before it became an actual laugh.

Yeah, so maybe Rafael was just a little bit jealous. But she'd never know. He would just make sure he was there when she needed him.

Author's Note:

Ah this episode was a ride to write!