"I'm wondering if without our memories, there's nothing to it but for our love to fade and die."
oOo
It was immediately obvious; the identity of the woman that had walked into the shop. Even before Yukinoshita responded to her, it was clear that this must have been her mom.
But it did make me wonder… why did Yukinoshita look so discouraged? My parents and I certainly did not see eye to eye on a lot of things, but I knew that they supported me in my pursuits. Yukinoshita, on the other hand, looked as if she would rather be anywhere else than here in this guitar shop with her mom.
"Mother," she said quietly with a slight bow.
Haah, she was acting so formal. As if she were speaking with a teacher instead of family.
"I must confess my surprise at finding you here Yukino-chan. Have you completed your studies?"
"...I will be ready for the exams, Mother."
"I certainly hope so, for you have been putting quite a lot of effort towards this study abroad program, haven't you? As your Mother, I certainly would love to see my precious daughter's childhood dream come true."
Yukinoshita opened her mouth, glanced over at me, and then closed it.
Seemingly satisfied by her non-answer, Yukinoshita's mom turned her attention to the instrument in Yukinoshita's hand.
"Oh? I believe your Father had just recently gifted you with a new guitar. Custom made, tailored to your desires, Yukino-chan. Why are you looking to purchase another? Was there some manufacturing defect with the one your Father gifted you? I must have a word with the manufacturer in that case."
"Father's gift is perfect, Mother, thank you for your concern. I was simply playtesting this guitar for a… friend, who is looking to purchase a guitar."
"Ora," Yukinoshita's Mother turned to me, as if noticing me for the first time.
I gulped under the intensity of her scrutiny.
"My apologies, Mr…?"
"Err, Hikigaya, ma'am. Hikigaya Hachiman. I'm in your daughter's class. It's nice to meet you."
"Hikigaya-kun, then. The pleasure is mine. Thank you for being a friend to my daughter. It is not often that she makes acquaintances of her own volition."
"Err…" I really wasn't sure what to say to that. What exactly was the correct response when your friend's parent just called their kid a loner to their face?
"So tell me about yourself, Hikigaya-kun! What is your background? Who are your parents? How did you become friends with my daughter?"
"Well, they're… they're corporate employees. My parents, that is," I winced at the awkwardness of the response. "And I'm… uh, I'm just an ordinary guy I guess. Studied hard to get into Soubu. And then Yukinoshita… sorry Yukino-san, she mentioned to me that she was a guitar aficionado while I was trying to find an instrument to learn, and she graciously agreed to help teach me to become a better player."
"Well, isn't that interesting," the Yukinoshita matriarch hummed in response, and although her tone was lighthearted, the steel blue eyes boring into my own were anything but. She seemed… calculating? She stared at me as if I was some complex math problem that she needed to solve. I couldn't quite figure out how she felt, but at least I could not sense any hostility.
I had a feeling that if she was truly angry at me, I'd be shitting myself.
"And you are aware, Hikigaya-kun, of exactly who my daughter is? And all that comes with being her 'friend'?"
"Uhh, yes?"
Her mother frowned.
"Are you asking me or telling me?"
"Mother!" Yukinoshita cut in, likely saving me from further embarrassment.
"Yes, dear?"
"He is just a friend from school. He has nothing to do with the family or any of those circles, so please refrain from asking me such questions."
"Forgive me, Yukino-chan, I simply wished to see what type of friend you would make. Especially after that whole fallout with Hayama-kun, I wondered, you know? Indulge your Mother's curiosity for a bit, please. Although I must say, you certainly have made an interesting choice for friendship."
"Mother, it's not like that-"
"And besides, Yukino-chan." Yukinoshita's mom rolled onwards over her daughter's feeble protests. "I believe I had already mentioned this, but I thought we had agreed that you would be cutting back some of the time you spent on your… hobbies. Taking on a student of your own, does that not seem rather contradictory to your promise?"
Yukinoshita stared down at her feet.
"I never agreed to that," she murmured, so softly that even I, who was a fair bit closer to her, could barely make out her words. "You were the one who decided that and forced me to comply."
I straightened up then. I didn't know Yukinoshita very well, considering most of what I knew about her came from a notebook. I knew nothing of her family situation, and nothing about her parents. All of this was over my head.
With my condition, it was probably best to make myself as insignificant and agreeable as possible, so that all of this could hopefully blow over and I'd be able to return to my daily life as best I could.
But it was clear that there was conflict within their family, and apparently I had been a factor. In general, it seemed that Yukinoshita's Mom disapproved of her playing the guitar.
And that… that wasn't something that I could ignore. Because Yukinoshita was talented with the guitar. And it was clear; even if I didn't have all of my memories, it was clear to me that Yukinoshita loved to play the guitar. And I wanted to support her. I mean, after what she had sung for me earlier, I couldn't not support her.
"Excuse me," I spoke up, and this time I was pleased that my voice was clear and I didn't stumble over my words.
"I'm sorry for interrupting, and I also apologize if I'm overstepping my bounds, but I wanted to just say that Yukino-san is very talented with the guitar. She's got a beautiful singing voice too! I think she'd be a great musician and-"
"Thank you for those kind words of praise, I'm sure that they are well received." Yukinoshita's Mother interrupted me. "But I'm afraid that Yukino-chan is destined for greater things in life than being a simple musician."
"But that's what she loves, can't you see that?" I burst out. "She loves music. You're her Mom, shouldn't you-"
"That's enough, Hikigaya-kun,"
The sharp voice of the girl in question stopped me cold. I was supporting her! Nobody else, not even her rather terrifying mom could've stopped me. But if Yukinoshita herself asked me to stop?
There was no reason to help someone if they themselves didn't want it. I would only end up being a nuisance, in the end.
I shut up.
She turned back to her mom.
"I'm sorry, Mother. But I have an obligation to my friend and I will see it through. I will work hard on my academics and I will test into a foreign school. This I promise you, so please allow me my hobbies."
Yukinoshita's mother stared at her for a long while. Finally, she gave a little sigh.
"We shall see, Yukino-chan. I will look the other way… for now. But on the next mock exam…"
She left the words unsaid, but even I could tell exactly what she meant.
Still, it was better than nothing. Yukinoshita seemed to think so too.
"Thank you Mother," she said, this time with a noticeably lower bow.
With that, her mother left swiftly, without even a word of goodbye. The bell jingled on her way out, and we were left with a deafening silence. I didn't want to break it. I had nothing to say. And Yukinoshita, she didn't seem to want to say anything either. She wouldn't even meet my eyes, in fact.
We were at an impasse.
I… had I made a mistake? With Yukinoshita? Had I said too much? It was very possible that Yukinoshita didn't want me meddling in her affairs.
Was she angry at me?
"I'm sorry, Hikigaya-kun." The girl in question suddenly spoke up.
Her voice was soft, and trembling noticeably. It was so far from the reaction I expected that I couldn't help but let out a surprised sound.
"Huh?"
"I know how it must have seemed. You were only trying to support me, and I was… I should have been immensely grateful to you. And I am. Grateful, that is. Please know that. When you praised my play, I feel… I feel warm in a way that I haven't really felt before. But…"
I rushed to reassure her.
"It's okay, Yukinoshita. I can see… that things are difficult. Don't worry about it too much, just take care of things on your end for now. And you don't have to… we don't have to schedule as many lessons if you need to study."
She shook her head.
"No Hikigaya-kun. You were right. I do love music and I wanted, from the very beginning, to share that love with you. So for me, your lessons and helping you to improve, they're my top priority. I want you to be able to play the guitar, even with your condition. So I will not decrease the lessons. And you better not slack off."
"But your responsibilities. And aren't you… you're planning on studying abroad?"
Yukinoshita pinched the bridge of her nose with a sigh.
"Mother would like to see me at a prestigious foreign university. I am less convinced, but I suppose I will go along with it."
"Do you… do you always just follow the path your parents lay out for you?" I asked, a little hesitantly. I knew that I was probably asking a really uncomfortable personal question. But seeing the way that Yukinoshita had reacted today, I couldn't help but feel that perhaps she needed to see that seeking something different from what her parents wanted wasn't necessarily a bad thing.
"It is easier this way, Hikigaya-kun." There was a note of finality to her voice, and so I dropped the subject.
In the end, I didn't end up buying anything from the store. The enthusiasm, the atmosphere, all of it had dissipated after Yukinoshita's mom had showed up. We parted ways before long, and I spent the rest of the afternoon at the library, recording the events of the day in my journal and reading… or I suppose rereading a light novel that I had apparently particularly enjoyed in a previous iteration of myself.
I wasn't entirely sure what had possessed the previous me, but I couldn't even finish it.
oOo
I wish that I'd had Hikigaya-kun's courage. Somehow, some way, within only minutes of meeting my Mother, he had summoned up the requisite bravery to stand up to Mother in a way that I had still yet to achieve in nearly sixteen years worth of attempts. And his defiance was not even for the purposes of defending himself. He had defied Mother for me.
Hearing him say those words, it was as if he had taken my thoughts, my feelings, the emotions that I held so close to my chest; it was as if he'd ripped them straight from my heart and declared them for the world to hear. They were mortifying, but I could not deny the truth behind them.
And at that moment, I hated myself. I hated my weakness; the fact that I couldn't even say what I wanted to say to my own mother. That I couldn't tell her that I'd prefer to stay in Japan for my higher education. That I couldn't tell her my passion lay in music, and not the sciences or management or whatever other professions she pushed me towards.
I hated myself because, in the end, the one to voice those desires wound up being an outsider, someone whom I had only known for a brief period of my life.
I could not understand it. I could not comprehend how it was possible that anyone, much less Hikigaya-kun, could so easily understand me, when the exact opposite had been true for the vast majority of my life. All of the acquaintances that I had made throughout my lifetime, whether through school or my family, none of them had ever understood me. They had never supported me, or at least not because they cared about my wellbeing. If anybody had supported me in the past, it was always with ulterior motives.
But despite the fact that he couldn't even remember me; despite the fact that he woke up each morning with no memory of who Yukinoshita Yukino even was, Hikigaya-kun knew me better than anyone. And he wanted only what he thought was best for me.
I felt my cheeks warm, and the thumping of my heart grew louder.
It frightened me. Because now, it was too obvious. I knew exactly what this feeling meant. In fact, if I were to be honest with myself, I probably knew how I felt way back; all the way back to when he had first saved me on that park bench in the middle of Tokyo.
I knew that it would be easy. So very easy to just rely on Hikigaya-kun. To seek out his companionship and his understanding words and the comfort that they could bring. To depend on his kindness. To ask him to save me, time and time again.
But I couldn't do that. I'd already promised myself this in Tokyo. I couldn't… I had already taken too much from him. It wouldn't be right; he should've been thinking about himself and his condition rather than worrying about someone like me.
He must think quite poorly of me, after I stopped him from defending me. A weak, useless girl who couldn't stand on her own two feet, and yet was too stubborn and prideful to accept help.
Oh well, I thought to myself. When the time came for his next guitar lesson, this would make it a lot easier to keep things strictly professional.
I buried my head in my pillow, desperately clamping down on the emotions that I felt welling up within.
You're just his teacher, I forcefully reminded myself. He can't save you. The only one that can save you is yourself. Keep it impersonal. Keep your distance.
Don't… don't ever let your feelings show.
The tears came, thick and fast, then. I couldn't stop them.
I curled up into a ball and wrapped my arms around my pillow, wishing desperately that the inanimate object was instead the warmth of the arms that had once encircled me. That had once kept me safe.
God, how utterly pathetic I was.
oOo
Hikigaya-kun's next guitar lesson fell on a particularly rainy, windswept day. I remembered that it had begun in the morning as a light drizzle, which turned into more of a torrential downpour by the time Hikigaya-kun was meant to arrive.
When he finally did appear on my doorstep, he looked absolutely drenched. I suppose it suited him, given the state of his eyes. Thankfully, his guitar case was waterproof, and so the worst thing that happened was that Hikigaya-kun dripped over the entrance to my apartment. But that was easily cleaned up.
"Did the concept of an umbrella escape your attention, Hikigaya-kun?" I asked, favoring him with a small smirk so as to ensure that he knew I was not being serious.
"O-oh, sorry, Yukinoshita-san. I thought that I kept it in my bag but Komachi must have e removed it at some point it another and-"
It seemed as though my efforts had not been received.
"I am merely teasing you, Hikigaya-kun," I cut off his rambling. "Don't worry so much. Now go and get yourself cleaned up and changed. I'm sure that you would prefer to avoid falling ill."
I directed Hikigaya-kun to the bathroom and handed him a spare bathrobe. Unfortunately, I did not keep men's clothing around, so this would have to suffice. In the meantime, I threw his wet clothing into the laundry machine while doing my best to ignore any unsavory thoughts and cleaned up the mess left on my doorstep.
By the time I was finished, Hikigaya-kun had evidently also completed his shower, for when I returned to the living room he was clad in the bathrobe that I had given him, looking quite discomfited.
I felt the heat rushing to my cheeks as I watched him fidget on the sofa. The unsavory thoughts popped up once more. Underneath that robe…
I shook my head furiously, clapping my cheeks with the palms of my hands.
Wake up, Yukino. Remember what you promised yourself.
"Is everything alright?"
I jumped a little at the sound of his voice. Apparently he'd noticed my presence in the room.
"Ah… yeah. Are you ready to start?"
He nodded his acquiescence.
I did my utmost in keeping to the lesson plan that I had created for him. But despite my best efforts, it was impossible not to get distracted. Even the smallest things, like the scent of my shampoo wafting from him when I leaned over to correct his fingering or the warmth of his shoulder pressed against my side, made my heart skip a beat.
Still, I was glad to see that Hikigaya-kun had improved. It was subtle; there would be no great leaps in ability with his condition. But he was no longer making mistakes with the basics. And by the end of the session, I'd felt confident enough to suggest that he try learning a full song, or perhaps at least the chorus of a song, that he could present to me at our next lesson.
I suppose that he was also quite satisfied with his progress, because for the first time, I saw a soft smile spread across his face. It was subtle; just a small upturning of his lips really, but I could see in the way that his eyes shone that he really was proud of the fact that I had confidence in him to start playing full compositions.
The rain still hadn't let up by the time our lesson had concluded. I inquired as to how Hikigaya-kun had gotten here.
"I took the train," he said sheepishly, scrolling through his phone no doubt checking the schedules. "But it looks like they've all been delayed or canceled entirely. They've issued a flood warning."
"Oh…" I felt torn by this announcement.
There was a part of me that was excited. With the rain this bad, I knew that the next logical course of action for Hikigaya-kun was to stay the night. Indeed, I'd even opened my mouth, ready to offer him the invitation.
But I hesitated. A part of me wasn't sure. The last time that I had spent an evening with Hikigaya-kun had already been dangerous enough. And that was before I had full cognitive awareness of my own emotions. I couldn't trust myself to be alone with Hikigaya-kun. Especially if we were no longer playing the guitar; when we were interacting not as student and teacher, but as… as acquaintances.
Remember your promise, Yukino.
I opened my mouth, but Hikigaya-kun beat me to the punch.
"Err, Yukinoshita?" he said in a hesitant voice.
"Yes?" I replied, hoping against hope that he wouldn't ask to stay. I doubted that I'd be able to deny him if he directly asked.
"Do… do you think…-"
I braced myself.
"Do you think you could recommend me a cheap place to stay around here? I'm not too familiar with the area, but…"
Here, Hikigaya-kun took out his wallet, flipping through it quickly.
"...I think I have like three thousand yen so… probably the cheapest place you can find."
At first, I felt only relief. Hikigaya-kun hadn't asked to stay, and so I was free to offer him a few convenient nearby options for hotels so that he could stay a night without too much trouble. This would be good for my heart.
But then, seeing the way that he grimaced as he stared out into the rainstorm, I felt this sudden feeling of shame rising within me.
What was I doing?
Why was I still being so selfish?
I should just invite him to stay. My personal feelings; the battles that I struggled with were mine and mine alone.
The words slipped out of my mouth before I could even give them further consideration.
"'Would you prefer to stay here, Hikigaya-kun?"
"O-oh," he stuttered, even as he looked up at me. "Uhm…"
He hesitated.
"Well, I just didn't want to impose on you," he finally said awkwardly.
I knew that Hikigaya-kun was not offering to leave because he felt an obligation to leave. I fully doubted that he was being truthful when he said that he didn't want to impose on me, or anything of the sort. The most likely explanation, the one that made the most logical sense to me, was that he simply didn't feel comfortable asking to stay in the home of a girl that he had just met. It was easy to forget, but to Hikigaya-kun, I was someone that he had just met literally that day.
I could've let him leave. I probably should have let him leave. But I guess… once I made the offer for him to stay, I knew that I wanted him to stay. Or perhaps my pride demanded that he stay.
It would've hurt if he'd forced his way out of my apartment that night.
I smiled at him, trying to ease his nervousness.
"I won't force you to stay, of course," I said, even as I stood up from the sofa and headed for the kitchen. "But my apartment, although perhaps a bit lacking in furnishings, will still be a far more pleasant place to spend the night than any hotel. At least for three thousand yen."
He was still a little bit hesitant, so I had to use the ace up my sleeve.
"I'll even make dinner for you."
I guess that old saying did indeed have some merit; the way into a boy's heart is through his stomach.
Hikigaya-kun agreed to stay.
oOo
I had always believed myself to be proficient in the art of cooking. Perhaps it was due to the fact that, growing up, the family chef had always provided us with top quality food. After I had left the family home, I was no longer able to enjoy such meals, and therefore the need to learn how to cook made itself quickly apparent, as neighboring takeout places were simply an inadequate long-term solution.
As was the case with most endeavors I have undertaken, it did not take long for my cooking to reach a level that I found acceptable enough for my needs.
However, this was entirely different. For the first time in my life, I would be cooking for someone else. I had not expected it to be such a nerve wracking experience.
The first issue that became apparent very quickly was that I simply did not know what type of food Hikigaya-kun enjoyed. Was he a typical high school boy, enjoying fried foods of the tonkatsu or karaage variant? Was he of a more degenerate type of character that preferred maid cafes and their selection of various otaku-related foods such as omurice? Or did he prefer foreign inspired food, such as Hamburg steak or pasta?
As I stood staring at the myriad of ingredients inside of my refrigerator, I was so lost in thought that I didn't even hear Hikigaya-kun approach until he was right behind me.
"Uhm, Yukinoshita?" He sounded hesitant.
I jumped a little in surprise. "Yes? Is something the matter?"
"Did you need any help?"
"Oh, that won't be necessary, Hikigaya-kun. Please relax."
He shrugged, but did not leave the kitchen space.
"Well, I didn't bring anything to do, so I figured I'd help out in any way I could. Especially since I'll be freeloading."
"There is no need for you to-"
"Just let me help, Yukinoshita."
I turned away, back towards the inside of my refrigerator.
"W-well then, I guess the first thing you could assist with is determining what we shall eat."
"You want me to pick what to make?"
"Yes. As I am unaware of your preferences and personally not a particularly picky eater, I figured to make whatever you would find palatable."
"You really don't have to, Yukinoshita. Just make whatever you'd normally make. I'm not picky either."
Normal for me meant taking whatever ingredients were closest to expiration and attempting to make something resembling a meal out of them with varying degrees of success. That usually meant something along the lines of curry, since a medley of random ingredients could be used. But since Hikigaya-kun was here, I decided to make some shogayaki, and of course, miso soup.
Hikigaya-kun hovered around as I worked. I was unsure if he was simply hungry or if he really didn't have anything better to do. In the end I had him help me prep the ingredients for the meal. His knife skills were a little crude, but passable enough.
Dinner was served not too long after. I had, of course, tasted everything beforehand as I was cooking, but I still felt an indescribable feeling of nervousness as we both sat down to eat.
"Itadakimasu!" We clapped our hands together.
I watched him dig in while doing my best to feign disinterest. He tried the miso soup first, bringing a spoonful to his mouth and blowing on it gently before slipping it into his mouth.
"How is it?" I asked, a little hesitantly.
His eyes widened. "It's really good, Yukinoshita! What brand of miso is this?"
"I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed it. The miso paste is a homemade one."
"You ferment your own miso?" He asked, somehow sounding skeptical and awestruck at the same time.
I laughed, "Of course not. Father once did a favor for a family that does make their own miso, however. We receive a barrel of miso every year as a gift."
"Well, this is really, really good!" Hikigaya-kun exclaimed, even as he took another couple of mouthfuls of it.
"Well, there's plenty more of it in the pot if you'd like." I stood up, intending to bring the pot to the table for easier access.
"Honestly, Yukinoshita, I could probably eat this every day if you'd make it for me."
Even now, long after those halcyon days have been consigned to memories, I still think back and wonder about this moment. I wonder if Hikigaya-kun had put much thought into his words. I doubted it. It very likely was not a proposal. He was probably being genuine in the effusiveness of his praise. But he was also likely overexaggerating; I doubt he felt entirely comfortable staying over at my place due to his memory problem.
And so I probably shouldn't have felt embarrassed at those words. I probably shouldn't have felt irrationally happy that he'd praised my cooking.
But I guess the signs had always been there. Even though Hikigaya-kun could never remember me, I could remember him. Across all the days that I had known him; even though I had only known him for a short while, he had always understood me. He had always made me happier; picked up my spirits. He made my heart flutter, and induced all these strange emotions that I had never, ever felt before.
If a Hikigaya-kun that couldn't retain his memories; that couldn't remember me at all day after day, could still so consistently make me this illogically happy… I really should have seen things for how they were.
I… I undervalued Hikigaya-kun. Or perhaps, I underestimated how much he'd come to mean to me. And because of that, I never really understood him.
I never really understood just how difficult it was, to live a life frozen in time.
oOo
AN: Hey y'all. Been a long time. Hope you're doing well. I had a bit of a phase where I started to write for other fandoms, although I kept those to my AO3 (under the same name in case you're curious). But I suspect that I'll always find myself back with Oregairu one way or another.