After a restless night with little sleep, Liv arrived at the precinct shortly before nine o'clock, sipping peppermint tea in a futile attempt to reduce her nausea. Although she had only vomited a handful of times during her pregnancy, in the past couple of weeks she had found herself feeling nauseous most of the time. The peppermint tea helped, as did nibbling on saltines or lightly salted chips, though she did not feel up to eating at present. Partly due to anxiety about the meeting with Barba in a couple of hours, and also out of concern that eating might aggravate her nausea and cause her to become unwell in his presence. She might as well walk into his office with a positive pregnancy test and an ultrasound image taped to her belly.
Liv greeted the detectives in the squad room and signed some paperwork en route to her office, intent on spending an hour or so catching up on emails and familiarising herself with the new cases which had come in overnight, before preparing for her meeting with Barba and Carisi. She had only just reached her desk when she heard familiar footsteps in her office. She removed her laptop from her bag and looked up as Amanda entered, closing the door behind her and walking briskly towards her.
"So Carisi told me that Barba is back, and he's handling the DiAngelo case" Amanda said, surprise present in her tone. Liv put her laptop down on her desk and took a seat. She was feeling tired, nauseous and rather light-headed. "Are you okay?" Amanda asked with concern, stepping closer to her desk.
"I'm fine" Liv responded quickly. "Given the high-profile nature of the case the DA's office decided they want an experienced and well-known prosecutor to handle it" she explained. "Carisi will be sitting second chair" she explained. Amanda watched her as she spoke and nodded encouragingly, as she pulled out the chair opposite Liv and said down. "How did Carisi take it?" she asked.
"Not well" Amanda replied with a small sigh. "He feels like he's been gazumped" she explained. "He does get it, but it doesn't make it hurt any less" she advised. "Carisi mentioned that you and Barba have a meeting today" she explained. "When did you find out?" Amanda asked. Liv exhaled sharply and smiled.
"Last night, when Barba appeared in my office" she responded, her calm demeanour faltering slightly. She shook her head. "I was about to head to my appointment with Dr Lindstrom and he was just standing right there" she advised, looking towards the doorway.
"That must've been a shock" Amanda said gently, tilting her head to the side slightly as she spoke. "Do you wanna talk about it?" she offered. Liv forced a small smile and shook her head.
"I'm trying very hard not to even think about it" Liv advised, her expression tinged with sadness. "Which is rather difficult given I'm meeting Barba and Carisi in a couple of hours to go through the DiAngelo rapes and murders" Liv said quietly. She reached for her peppermint tea and took a cautious sip.
"It's gonna be okay, Liv" Amanda assured her, noticing how worried her friend looked. "No one but you, me and your doctors knows you're pregnant" she reminded her. Liv wrapped her hands around her peppermint tea and nodded.
"I thought I had more time" Liv said simply. "Rafa was supposed to be away for another month or so, possibly longer" she explained. "The Amnio is tomorrow, the results will be back in three weeks..." she continued, sighing gently as she spoke. "For the first couple of weeks after I found out I could hide it, but this last week has been-" Liv closed her eyes and punctuated her sentence with a deep exhale and shake of her head. "I feel constantly nauseous and exhausted" she sighed. Amanda looked up at her sympathetically.
"I remember that feeling" Amanda said softly. "It will pass" she assured her. Liv took in a calming breath.
"Well, if it could pass before eleven and remain gone until about three, that'd be great" Liv advised, holding onto the silver travel cup which contained her peppermint tea. "I need to be able to concentrate, but I'm just so tired" she explained.
"You are lookin' a little pale" Amanda said gently.
"Thank you" Liv replied, taking another sip of the peppermint tea.
"I take it you didn't sleep much last night" she suggested. Liv shook her head and held the travel cup against her lips.
"No" Liv confirmed. Amanda nodded slowly.
"When was the last time you ate something, Liv?" Amanda asked gently. Liv swallowed thickly, considering the question and steeling herself for the inevitable rebuke.
"Around two" Liv responded, taking another tentative sip of her peppermint tea.
"In the morning?" asked Amanda, her tone indicating she knew the answer.
"Yesterday afternoon" Liv admitted. Amanda leaned back slightly in her seat. "Amanda, I appreciate your concern but I really can't stomach anything right now" she explained.
"And you don't wanna risk pukin' all over Barba's two thousand dollar suit?" Amanda asked. Liv closed her eyes for a moment and then met Amanda's gaze.
"No, I really don't" Liv responded, feeling Amanda's eyes upon her.
"I get it, Liv, I really do" Amanda assured her. "I know you're feelin' sick and the last thing you wanna do is eat something" she explained. "But not eatin' only makes you feel sicker. Believe me" she continued. "Is there anything you think you could stomach?" she asked. "Cos I know you're hungry" she persisted.
Liv closed her eyes in defeat and considered Amanda's suggestion.
"I have some saltines in my desk, I will eat them whilst I'm working" Liv advised. Amanda hesitated.
"If you haven't eaten since yesterday I really think you should have somethin' more substantial than saltines" Amanda said gently. "I promise you, it'll make you feel better" she advised. "What about some well-done, lightly buttered toast?" she suggested.
For a moment, Liv found her mouth watering at the prospect of toast, her hunger overtaking her nausea for the first time in days.
"Fine" Liv replied, rising to her feet. "I'll go and-"
"No, I got it" Amanda advised, rising quickly from her seat. "You prepare for your meeting and I'll bring you some toast" she stated, in a tone which made it clear she would not be argued with.
"Thanks, Amanda" Liv said gratefully, before sitting back down in her seat, much to her body's relief.
Amanda turned on the spot and headed towards the door, pausing and turning back towards Liv as she reached for the handle.
"Do you want it cut in squares or triangles?" she teased.
Liv looked up at Amanda over her laptop, narrowing her eyes in a combination or reproach and amusement, prompting Amanda to smile and quickly leave the office.
Five minutes later Amanda presented Liv with a plate containing two slices of lightly buttered toast (cut into triangles). Liv joked she preferred squares, earning a smirk from Amanda, who told her to "eat it" in a tone which Liv suspected she reserved for her children. And, in certain situations, Carisi.
After assuring Amanda she would eat the toast, the detective left her office. To Liv's relief, the smell of the toast did not make her feel nauseous; in fact, her mouth watered and her stomach growled assertively. She took a cautious bite of the first piece, and before she knew it, had consumed three out of the four triangles. She made it through half of the fourth before feeling full, and pushing the plate aside as she continued to prepare for her meeting with Barba and Carisi.
The morning went by incredibly quickly, even with the seemingly endless interruptions from various detectives. It was almost a relief when Liv realised it was ten-thirty and time to head to Barba's office, and she would have some uninterrupted time to herself on the drive over there. She headed into the kitchen and refreshed her peppermint tea, before returning to her office to pack up her laptop and case files. She announced her departure to the squad, declared Fin was in charge and encouraged them to call her if anything came up. She met Amanda's gaze and the younger woman smiled reassuringly at her. Liv nodded in response and walked quickly out of the precinct.
The drive to Barba's office was faster than Liv would have liked. Although her nausea had slightly abated, the time she spent alone in her car only served to cause her to think about things she had been trying very hard to avoid. As she got out of her car she looked at her reflection in the driver's side window, casting her eyes across the loose-fitting black silk blouse which floated elegantly over her belly, concealing it completely. Her dark gray blazer added another barrier which she was determined to maintain. Rafael Barba was the most observant and perceptive people she had ever met, and the concern she had about him discerning her condition was bordering on paranoia. But as she looked back at her reflection she was confident her pregnancy was not obvious or discernable, even to Barba. At least, not yet. Feeling reassured, Liv locked her car and walked calmly through the parking lot and towards the stairs, concerned that the elevator might aggravate her nausea.
Liv signed into the building and made her way towards Barba's office, exchanging good mornings with a few judges and DAs she met along the way. She found the confidence she had been imbued with faltered slightly when she approached his office, her stomach tightening slightly as she reached his door. However, she was soon distracted by the sound of raised voices. She frowned in confusion and stepped into the outer-office, where a wary-looking Carmen was sitting at her desk. Liv offered her a reassuring smile and a quiet "good morning", before stepping into Barba's office.
Rafael Barba was standing at the front of his desk, leaning against it with his hands gripping the edge. He was wearing a black three piece suit, red tie and look of irritation, his eyes softening as his gaze drifted towards Liv. He then quickly returned his attentions back towards Carisi, who was standing with his back to Liv, his hands and his tone raised in frustration.
"I've been workin' on this case for weeks" Carisi argued, as he stood a couple meters away from Barba, wearing a light grey suit and look of profound annoyance. "And your boss just suddenly decides to hand it back to you days before the Motion Hearing?" he asked, disbelief present in his tone. "And you're telling me you didn't ask for it?"
"They're our bosses, Carisi, not mine" Rafael responded, his voice firm but calm. "And yes, that's exactly what I'm telling you" he continued. "I got the call on Monday evening and I flew in yesterday afternoon" he explained patiently. "I understand you're upset and I get it, I really do" he assured him. "But this decision was out of both of our hands" he stated.
"That's bull" Carisi protested, stepping closer to Barba as he spoke. Barba looked up at him with a calm expression, not moving an inch. "We all know how much you love the sound of your own voice, and getting your face on the front page" he advised. Barba sighed lightly and turned his head away from Carisi for a moment, shaking his head, before turning back towards Carisi and meeting his gaze.
Liv sensed Carisi's rising irritation and decided to see where the present exchange headed before deciding whether to intervene.
"You're wrong" Barba said patiently, his voice and expression calm. "Given the high profile nature of the case they wanted an experienced DA to handle it, and that is no reflection on you-"
"Like hell it isn't!" Carisi retorted, stepping closer to Barba, their bodies inches apart. Barba remained where he was and watched Carisi calmly. "What, not enough rapists and killers in Boston so you gotta come back here and take this case from me?" he asked. "Or did you just wanna remind everyone who the great Rafael Barba is?"
"That's enough!" Liv stated firmly, raising her voice as she stepped into the room, her eyes darting between Barba and Carisi.
Carisi, who had been unaware of Liv's presence, turned towards her with a look of mild embarrassment. He quickly recovered himself and sighed.
"Liv, I just-"
"No, stop" Liv responded, raising her hand. "I don't want to hear it" she added, her tone harsher than she intended. Carisi and Barba watched in silence as Liv walked towards the whiteboard which Barba had put up, which held pictures of some of the victims. Liv stood next to it and looked back towards them. "Luca DiAngelo has raped twenty-six women and killed seven" she stated. "He is also responsible for numerous sexual assaults in the three years prior to his first rape" she advised. "His crimes were committed over four years, five boroughs, and three states" she reminded them, pointing to the board as she spoke. "This case is about the victims" she stated with conviction. "Not you" she added.
Barba crossed his arms and nodded in agreement, and Carisi responded with a quiet "copy that, Captain". Liv waited a moment before continuing.
"So are you both going to work together on this? Is that possible?" Liv asked, irritation still present in her tone. "Because if it's not, tell me now, and I'll call your bosses and have it reassigned" she stated.
"That won't be necessary" Barba said quietly, his tone calm and respectful. "Will it?" he added, turning towards Carisi.
"No" Carisi replied, swallowing hard and lowering his head. "Liv, I'm sorry" he added. Liv met his gaze and nodded.
Liv was about to continue with her rebuke when she found herself feeling slightly light-headed. She swallowed hard and walked towards the table between the three evidence boards, all of which Barba had neatly set up ahead of the meeting. Liv put her bag down and removed her laptop, and was aware of Carisi moving slowly towards the table, taking a chair a few spaces away from her as he did so. Barba sat down calmly opposite her, and she felt his eyes upon her as she plugged in her charger.
"Can I get you some coffee?" Barba offered Liv.
"No, thank you" Liv replied calmly, removing her travel cup from her bag and placing it on the table. Barba nodded. "Where would you like to begin?" she asked, looking from Barba to Carisi.
"The Motion Hearing" Barba advised, "it's scheduled for Tuesday at nine" he reminded her, picking up the paperwork from the table. "Initially, it was to argue that the rapes and murders should be separated by borough and state" he began, skimming the document as he spoke. Liv nodded and edged herself as close to the table as she possibly could, positioning her laptop in front of her. "But this morning I received another Motion which is to exclude the earlier sexual assaults from trial" he explained. Liv frowned in confusion.
"But those assaults were committed in the years preceding the rapes" Liv responded. "It shows a clear pattern of behaviour and an escalation of the type of assault" she added.
"Which is the argument that Carisi and I will be making on Tuesday" Barba assured her. "Given the nature of the offences, and the number of them, the defence will struggle to argue that disclosure of the earlier offences is more prejudicial than probative" he explained.
"But if the judge decides to separate the cases out by borough and state" Carisi began, his tone devoid of anger or resignation. "She may also rule that we can't mention the other rapes and murders in our trial, in addition to the earlier offences" he explained. Liv nodded in understanding and took a sip of her peppermint tea.
"But the rapes and murders have been all over the news for weeks" Liv advised.
"But the papers haven't yet connected all cases to DiAngelo, especially those out of state" Barba advised. Liv looked towards him as he spoke, their eyes meeting for a moment. Her breath caught in her throat and she felt a pang of guilt, prompting her to look away.
"Who's the judge?" Liv asked, taking another sip of her tea.
"Judge Barth" Barba responded. Liv nodded.
"She's tough but fair" Liv reasoned. "What do you think our chances are?" she asked.
"I'd say sixty-forty in our favour" Barba responded. "On both motions" he advised. Liv sighed lightly and nodded.
"Then we better get started" Liv declared, removing the case files from her bag and adding them to the table.
For the next two hours, Liv, Barba and Carisi discussed the details of all of DiAngelo's crimes, including the evidence against them and the strength of the witness testimony. They agreed that the Manhattan cases were the strongest, and if Judge Barth did not rule in their favour, they would ask to try their cases first to strengthen the others.
During the meeting Liv noticed that Barba would ask Carisi's advice on matters she knew he would not normally require a consultation on. He listened patiently to Carisi, compromised quite frequently, and was the least sarcastic Liv had ever seen him. It was clear he was doing his best to reassure Carisi that he trusted his abilities and the matter was not personal. And Liv admired him greatly for that.
However, Liv's admiration for Barba's skills faltered slightly when he reviewed the indictment Carisi had arranged.
"There's no mention of Liv's assault on the indictment" Barba stated, turning the page and skimming through the document again. "Is there a separate indictment?" he asked, addressing Carisi. Carisi opened his mouth to respond but looked instinctively towards Liv, which prompted Barba to do the same. Liv felt his gaze upon her and her stomach clench.
"No" Liv replied, watching Barba's eyes narrow in confusion at her response. "I told Carisi not to file charges for the assault" she added simply. She hoped Barba would accept her response, but she knew he would not.
"Why would you do that?" Barba asked slowly, confusion present in his tone, before turning towards Carisi. "And why would you agree?"
"Because I told him I didn't want to press charges" Liv responded, directing Barba's attentions back towards her. The anxiety she had successfully suppressed throughout their meeting quickly rose within her. "Given the number of felonies he was charged with, it didn't seem necessary to-"
"Necessary?" Barba repeated, his disapproving tone matching his expression. "Liv, he assaulted you" he stated. "He punched you in the face, broke three of your ribs and caused deep tissue bruising to-"
"Yes, I remember" Liv interrupted, her panic causing her tone to be slightly harsher than she had intended. She swallowed thickly and looked up at Barba, who was staring at her with a look of profound confusion. "Luca DiAngelo is charged with multiple felonies which are going to put him in prison for the rest of his life" she stated. "Resisting arrest-"
"It was more than resisting arrest" Barba interrupted. Liv noticed the defensive edge in his tone and the concern in his eyes, and her expression softened.
"I am not getting up on the stand after telling the jury about the brutal rapes and murders DiAngelo has committed, to then complain about a punch and a couple of kicks" Liv stated. "I want the focus to be on his victims – and I am not one of them" she added with conviction. "And given what happened at William Lewis's trial, I already have a reputation for excessive force, and I don't want to open myself up to criticism, especially not in a case like this" she added. Barba's expression softened slightly.
"Is that was this is about?" Barba asked. "You're worried you'll be accused of using excessive force when you detained DiAngelo?" Liv sighed lightly. "I read your statement and the statements of the other officers" he explained, his voice calm and soothing. "You used reasonable force in the arrest, he cannot claim otherwise" he stated. "In fact, I'm surprised he only had a dislocated shoulder given the injuries he inflicted on you" he added. Liv recalled Fin throwing him against a wall, twice, and was remembering herself yelling at him to stop when Barba's words drew her immediately from her thoughts. "There's no medical report here for you" he advised, prompting Liv to look up at him immediately, watching him sift through papers.
Liv's mind took her back to that morning in the hospital, lying in a hospital bed with debilitating cramps, the sensation of warm blood pooling between her thighs, the sticky red liquid on her fingers before she passed out. The sight of her unborn baby on the black and white ultrasound screen.
"Liv?" Barba asked, drawing her from her thoughts. She looked up and found him watching her with a look of concern.
"I didn't provide my medical notes because it is not necessary" Liv advised, her heart pounding as the conversation continued. If DiAngelo was charged with her assault full details of her hospital stay would be revealed in Court, including her pregnancy. She could not let that happen. "Because I do not want him charged with the assault. There is no point-"
"I disagree" Barba replied, his tone kind and patient. "He should be held accountable for what he did to you" he advised, watching as Liv's expression tightened and she became visibly unsettled.
"I said no" Liv responded, holding Barba's gaze as she spoke.
As Rafael Barba looked at Liv, he considered that the assault she suffered at the hands of Luca DiAngelo might have reminded her of her kidnapping and brutal attack at the hands of William Lewis. He internally chided himself at not having considered this, and the fact that having to relive another assault in Court would be traumatic. He therefore nodded in agreement.
"Fine" Barba agreed, albeit reluctantly. "If that's what you want" he added gently.
"It is" Liv replied. Barba nodded slowly.
Carisi, who had remained silent as Barba and Liv discussed her assault, cleared his throat.
"It's nearly half-one, and I'm due in Court at three" Carisi stated, before looking up at Barba. "You said something about lunch?" he asked.
"I did" Barba agreed, before turning towards Liv. "Are you hungry?" he asked.
"I am" Liv responded, much to her surprise surprise. Barba smiled softly and nodded, and they rose from their seats and packed away their things, before heading out of the office.
They walked out of the building together and across the street, the subject of the conversation shifting from the case to Amanda's daughters before they even reached the Chinese restaurant. Liv watched as Barba listened patiently to Carisi's stories about Amanda's daughters, including Jessie having to confess to accidentally dropping his toothbrush in the toilet.
"You're sure it was an accident?" Barba teased, as he picked up his menu from the table and began to read.
"Well, I mean, I was until now" Carisi replied. Barba smirked in response and Liv chuckled.
Liv watched as Barba and Carisi continued to discuss The Case of the Toilet Toothbrush, finding herself feeling surprised at how easy and how comfortable it was to be in Rafa's company once more. There were times where their conversation would overtake her fears and her guilt, and she found herself embracing the moments for as long as she could. Hearing Rafa order his favourite dish in a restaurant they had dined in together on countless occasions caused her to feel both exhilarated and guilt-ridden. She was incredibly worried about him discerning her condition, but as time passed and he did not suspect, she found herself relaxing even more. But her reprieve was always short-lived, as a pang of nausea or sudden feeling of guilt would quickly tear her out of her reverie.
"Liv?" said Barba, the confusion in his tone drawing her immediately from her thoughts. She blinked and looked towards him, and found a waitress standing opposite her, watching her expectantly.
"Sorry" Liv said with a smile. "I was miles away" she admitted, looking down at the menu she knew by heart, just to avoid Barba's curious gaze. "I'll have the vegetable chow mein with egg fried rice, please" she advised, handing the waitress her menu. "Thank you so much" she smiled. She felt Barba's eyes upon her and reached for her water.
"I think that's the least adventurous thing I've ever heard you order" Carisi advised, prompting her to look up at him. "And is that really all you're having? Don't you usually have that beef dish with the cashew nuts?" he persisted.
"I order lots of things" Liv responded, trying to ignore the very existence of cooked meat, and the effect it was having on her at present. "We don't all order enough for a family-sized buffet" she teased. "Though I suppose we should if Barba's paying" she said lightly, turning towards Rafael Barba with a smile.
Barba smirked and took a sip of his own drink, and the conversation shifted to teasing Carisi mercilessly about his greed and appetite.
Liv, Barba and Carisi spent almost an hour together in the restaurant, enjoying their food and conversation, which reminded Liv very much of old times. She was also relieved that she had been able to eat more today than she had all week, and she found herself feeling comfortably full. The ice cold water and plain dishes she had chosen had enabled her to eat as her body demanded, and settle her stomach. She was sipping on her second glass of ice water when Carisi laid down his napkin.
"I gotta get to Court" he announced, reaching into his suit jacket for his wallet. Barba raised a hand.
"It's on me, Carisi" Barba reminded him.
"Oh, yeah" Carisi responded, putting his wallet back. "Thanks, Barba" he added, rising from his seat and picking up his briefcase. "You know, maybe we could all get together for dinner or somethin', like we used to" he suggested.
"As a team" Liv said gently, smiling softly at Carisi. He was clearly embarrassed by his argument with Barba and was trying to make amends.
"Sure" Barba agreed, nodding as he spoke. "Could we meet up at some point on Monday afternoon to go through our arguments ahead of the Motion Hearing?" he asked Carisi.
"Yeah, absolutely" Carisi responded. Barba nodded. "I'll check my diary and send you some times."
"Thank you" Barba responded. Carisi offered him a tight smile, before saying his goodbyes and leaving the restaurant, leaving Liv and Barba alone.
Liv stroked her cold glass with her thumb, and looked up at Barba as he dabbed the corners of his mouth with his napkin.
"And thank you, Rafa" she said softly, prompting Barba to turn towards her.
"For what?" he asked.
"For going easy on Carisi" she replied. "Especially after what happened in your office" she added. Barba held her gaze and she felt warmth pool deep in her belly, her breathing becoming deeper as she watched him.
"His anger was understandable" Barba reasoned. "If I were him I would've felt the same" he added. Liv smiled softly and nodded, watching as his expression softened. "And I am trying very hard not to argue with the people I care about" he said gently. Liv felt her breath catch in her throat. "You know, we've been in a restaurant together for over an hour and we haven't fought" he stated. Liv smiled softly and nodded.
"Well, Carisi has just left, so it's only been the two of us for ninety seconds" Liv responded. Barba smiled in response, his eyes glistening.
"It's certainly a personal best, by recent standards" Barba advised, taking a sip of water as he spoke. "And I consider that progress" he added. Liv smiled and raised her glass.
"Here's to progress" Liv said quietly, leaning towards him with her glass. Barba smiled and leaned close, clinking their glasses and repeating her toast.
As they clinked their glasses their hands touched for the briefest of moments, and Liv felt her heart begin to race and her breathing deepen. Her gaze remained fixed on Rafa's, and she watched as his pupils dilated. She lowered her hand to the table and he did the same, his fingers finding hers immediately, holding her hand and stroking the back of it with his thumb. She remembered his hands holding hers the night they spent together, their fingers laced, their bodies united. She let out a staggered breath and blinked herself from her reverie, their hands remaining entwined.
Liv looked up at Rafa, who was watching her closely, his green eyes gazing upon her, as though he were seeing her again for the first time. She had never been looked at like that by someone before, and she found herself feeling dizzy at the prospect. Her body was reacting to Rafa's touch in a way she could not permit, and she forced herself out of such thoughts. Instead, she found herself turning her body towards his, their legs touching beneath the table, their eyes fixed on each other's.
"Perhaps we could have dinner together, one night?" Rafa asked quietly, the husky undertone to his voice doing little to distract Liv from her own thoughts. "There are things we should talk about" he added gently.
Liv's breath caught in her throat and she swallowed, nodding automatically as he spoke, his hand squeezing hers reassuringly as he sensed her anxiety, despite misunderstanding the cause. The guilt she had been suppressing at her deception overcame her completely, and she tensed. Rafa stroked her hand comfortingly in response and she found herself staring into his eyes once more.
"At some point, in the future" Rafa said softly, his eyes patient and his expression earnest, not wishing to rush her. "Whenever you're ready" he added. Liv relaxed and nodded, smiling softly at him and squeezing his hand back gently.
"I'd like that" she replied sincerely.