"And listen to the clock beat
as it ticks our time away
and listen to the birds' laughter
as they live for today
and listen to the heartbeat
as it beats our lives away"
- "In the Time of Our Lives" by Iron Butterfly, music and lyrics by Doug Ingle and Ron Bushy
- Chapter 21: In the Time of Our Lives -
The universe rippled.
That's the only way I can describe it. It was like how a big drop of water falling onto the surface of a smooth and tranquil pool makes it suddenly become distorted and throbbing with energy. The actual surface change was minuscule, maybe even imperceptible to anyone apart from Haruhi and me, but there was definitely something happening that had never happened before.
I wanted to tell Haruhi to stop, but I couldn't speak. I couldn't even move. Not because I was paralyzed, but because time wasn't moving forward in the usual manner.
You might well ask, if time wasn't moving forward, then how was I even thinking? And well, I would surely love to know the answer to that question as well. All I can tell you is that the phrase "in the usual manner" is key. If I were to use Miss Asahina's flip book analogy, I would say that instead of flipping through the pages and experiencing the animation, we were now spreading the pages out across an impossibly huge table and looking over each of them as a still frame. I don't know what that actually means, but that's what it felt like.
Anyway, it wouldn't have made a difference even if I could speak. From the look on Haruhi's face, she had scarcely any more idea of what she was doing than I did, but she certainly had no intention of stopping it. She was reaching out to grasp the answer she'd been seeking this whole weekend – the answer, I suppose, that she'd been seeking ever since she saw me fall down those stairs last December. The answer that all of humanity had been seeking since the beginning of history. "Wait, maybe this isn't such a good idea" was not going to cut it here.
Then, with a strange lurching of existence, the present moment was rapidly replaced. Haruhi's hand reached out to mine, and even though I still couldn't move, I felt my hand was still entwined with hers and I held on tight enough that a hurricane couldn't have pulled us apart.
And then Haruhi and I went tumbling into infinity...
And then I was filling out the countless blanks of a college application at the desk in Haruhi's room, while Haruhi lays stretched out across her bed, eagerly focused on filling out her own application, and I'm turning to ask her what I should put for my reason for applying...
And then I was sitting on a couch in my dorm room, watching some space opera epic with Haruhi, who is leaning against my arm, her softness pressed very pleasantly into me, and I'm making some snarky remark about the pickup line the roguish hero just used on his love interest...
And then Haruhi and I were running, scrambling up flights of stairs, and the feeling that my lungs are going to burst out of my chest is utterly drowned out by the screaming pain in my leg muscles, but I keep going because Haruhi is yelling at me that if we can just beat the elevator to the roof, there's a chance that we can save everyone...
And then I was staring at Haruhi, who has just burst out of the bathroom with the hugest grin on her face, which makes no damn sense because we've talked about having children and she said they would be too much in the way, so neither possible result for the pregnancy test should produce that kind of reaction...
And then I was listening to Koizumi tell me about his new job while his wife chats with Haruhi, who is cradling Eiji, and I'm wondering what I should be feeling here because sappy cliche says I should still feel nothing but pride and love at the sight of my wife with our first child and realism says that by now I should be bored and exhausted with them, but instead I'm worried about how Haruhi is starting up more crazy projects when the boy isn't even walking yet and preparing to herd Koizumi out of the room at the first sign that Eiji is hungry because Haruhi hasn't been bottle feeding and I don't want Koizumi seeing my wife's breasts...
And then I was rising up out of the brisk sea water and snatching up Haruhi, throwing my arms around her waist (irresistibly bared by her two-piece bathing suit) and hoisting her up into the air, making her squeal with delighted surprise and our kids shriek with laughter as the water sprays over all of us...
And then Haruhi was calling me at work, all excited, to tell me that Sayomi came home from school and she was crying, but it wasn't because she was bullied at school, it was because one of her classmates just lost her grandfather, and this classmate wasn't even one of her friends, and all of this doesn't seem like anything to be happy about, but I have to admit that it's kind of a wonder that someone with compassion like that could have sprung from Haruhi and me...
And then I had just climbed into bed, the soft familiar sheets giving me much-needed reassurance, when I notice she has her face buried in a pillow, and I want to dismiss it as her being manipulative but I know that Haruhi doesn't do things like that, if she still wanted to win the fight she'd just kick me out of bed and give me a penalty, and I know I'll never be able to sleep knowing she's sad and it's at least half my fault, so I turn over to tell her I'm sorry...
And then Haruhi was at last giving up on trying to resuscitate Koizumi, and it's almost a relief, even as her efforts give way to anguished sobbing and I can't figure out if I'm more sad that he died because of some stupid idiot wanting to take Sasaki's power or because I'm now realizing that I never actually told him that I missed the talks we spent together in high school...
And then I was walking towards the restaurant table where Haruhi is waiting, and though it's our anniversary and I have already told her how wonderful and exciting the past year with her has been and we've checked into a hotel where we've already had sex incredible enough to make the gods jealous and we're eating at a fancy restaurant, she looks bored, but I anticipated that this time, and I reach into my pocket to pull out the anonymous note written with magazine clippings which I'll tell her the desk clerk handed to me...
And then Sayomi was explaining to me why she wanted to know how I first knew I was in love with Haruhi, when Haruhi cuts in that Sayomi, my sweet beautiful little girl who's not even 15 yet, already has taken an interest in a boy, and I consequently feel myself slipping into my second coma...
And then I was at the controls of a stolen spaceship (stealing it was Haruhi's idea), and Eiji is manning the weapons systems, Sayomi is monitoring radar and communications, Futoshi is down in engineering, Keisuke has assumed the responsibility of telling Momiji not to touch anything, my co-pilot Takahiro Sugiyama is beaming like a little kid who just got ten Christmases' worth of presents all at once, and you-guessed-it is giving the order to head to Alpha Centauri 7, and I comment that I'm too old for this Space Family Robinson nonsense, and our captain scoffs "No, you're not," and kisses my cheek...
And then we were at Futoshi's graduation celebration, and Haruhi is hugging him and crying because the last of our little guys is moving out, the younger ones having either gone to a more prestigious and distant high school or taken an apprenticeship with Koizumi's company, and I try to make a wisecrack at this just to lighten the mood but I realize I'm crying too...
And then I was at the detective agency sifting through reams of personnel data for the company we're investigating, and the elder Miss Asahina comes dashing through the door (though it sounds funny to call her that now that I'm a decade or two older than her) and before I can so much as say "Hi" she's saying to me in a rush, abundant bosom heaving all the while, "Kyon, please, you have to stop this! This isn't like the other time folds Miss Suzumiya created; she could destroy the entire normal passage of time, and that's without even considering whatever she intends to do at the other end of the time fold! But if you just let go of her, she'll stop and release you both into your correct time!", and Haruhi scowls at me and asks what I'm drooling at when I'm old enough to be her father, but there's no time to respond because in another second we'll be in a different time and Miss Asahina is reaching out her hand to me, and I reach out too, but it's Haruhi's hand that I grasp hold of...
I'm sorry, Miss Asahina. I don't know what Haruhi is doing, or what kind of damage it could do to the fabric of existence, but I know it's our last best chance to finally end this. So I've got to see it through with her, no matter what.
And then we were at Watabe's funeral and Haruhi has tears running all down her face and I'm trying to be the sturdy and supportive one and it's not easy because it feels like we've had one funeral after another lately, but I guess that's the way it is when you're a senior citizen and made a lot of friends your age...
And then we were having Christmas dinner, and once again Haruhi and Keisuke have outdone themselves, and I feel rather overwhelmed because it's our biggest gathering yet, with nine grandchildren now, and as usual Haruhi has been expecting me to run myself ragged to satisfy their every whim...
And then I was seated under the kotatsu, trying to get some warmth into my stiff joints, and I call to Haruhi to hurry up with that tea, and I'm getting the strange sensation that I've just landed here from somewhere decades in the past.
I guess that's what it feels like to grow old. Really old. Damn joints.
Haruhi came in with the teapot and cups on a tray, steam rising from the spout. "I'm not your damn maid, you know," she snapped. "If you want tea, ask for it politely."
"I did ask for it politely. Then you let yourself be distracted by something. If I hadn't spoken up, the tea would have gotten cold while my joints are stiffening up."
"That's no excuse for being rude," she said. But she handed me a cup before taking her own, adjusting her kimono, and sitting down.
I sipped my tea and grimaced. "You didn't put in any honey or sugar."
"You yelled at me to hurry up with it. Anyone with half a brain would know that means skip any non-essential steps."
"And anyone with a whole brain would know it means stop daydreaming and do all the steps. You left it out just to get back at me for telling you to hurry, didn't you?"
Haruhi was taking a long drink of tea. When she finally set down her cup, she said, "That's it. From now on, if you want tea, you make it yourself."
"You expect me to pour boiling hot water with these hands?" I held up my cramping fingers.
"Or you can do without. I'm sick of slaving away for you just to listen to your miserable ingratitude."
"All I'm asking for is some honey and sugar in my tea. You think I enjoy having to rely on you? I'm sorry that you have to show me a little consideration for a change, but there are things I can't do for myself anymore. I'm an old man."
"We're the same age, idiot," she snorted.
"Not so that anyone would notice," I returned. "My muscles are all shriveled, my skin is more wrinkled and thin than a sheet of wax paper that the grandkids have been playing with, and my back is so hunched that you'd think I was a mad scientist's assistant, while you... Well, look at you."
Haruhi's skin was wrinkled too, I admit, and her hair had turned to silver, and she couldn't run a marathon at top speed anymore. But her movements still had the same graceful resolve, she'd retained her womanly figure, and she still had the most beautiful face in all of history, and that shining gleam in her eyes was undiminished.
"You look like you were cryogenically frozen for fifty years," I said.
"Hmmph. That's such an exaggeration, it's not even cute. Besides, it's your own fault that you're not as well-preserved as I am. If you had just kept up regular exercise and stayed away from junk food like I told you -"
"Oh, shut up. I'm so sick of you lecturing me about that stuff. If I had listened to you, I would have had aching muscles every day and not a single enjoyable thing to eat, and I still would have wound up utterly decrepit, because the universe always bows to your every whim and throws me the dregs. That's the way it's always been."
Haruhi gave me a steady glare and very slowly folded her arms. "It is, huh?"
I took another sip of tea. It was more bland than tap water, but my insides needed its soothing effect.
"'Not a single enjoyable thing to eat'? So I guess you were just pretending to enjoy all those meals I worked so hard to prepare?"
That caught me off-guard. "No, no, I didn't mean -"
"And since the universe only gives you the dregs, then nothing that's happened to you has ever made you genuinely happy – not meeting me, not the SOS Brigade, not my marrying you, not our having children, not our grandkids, not any of our adven-"
"Would you knock it off? You know damn well I wasn't saying any of that stuff."
"Ha! 'That stuff'' is all you've been saying for months, whenever family aren't around. You went all sweet and gentle when Keisuke and the grandchildren were visiting, but as soon as they left you went right back to being an old grouch. Nothing is ever good enough for you; nothing is ever enough to make you happy."
"That's not true. You're the one who goes all sluggish and daydreamy when it's just the two of us."
"You know what the worst part is?" She jabbed a finger at me. "You're the one who got it all started! Back at North High, you kept on trying to have conversations with me, even though I made it clear I wasn't interested in normal humans. You convinced me to start a club. You went back in time to help me draw that message and tell me to overload the world with fun and excitement. You applied to the same college I was going to. You told me you loved me. You kept on begging me to marry you, no matter how many times I told you no!"
"I didn't beg you, I -"
"You helped set up my detective agency. You convinced me to have children."
"What are you talking about? You're the one who didn't want us using any form of birth control."
"And you happily left all the cooking to me," she finished, still ignoring my objections. "And now you're always talking like you didn't want any of this to happen!"
"It's not -"
"Do you have any idea how depressing it is to listen to that on a daily basis? Ugh, just talking to you is depressing!" She turned her back on me. "I'm going upstairs to write some letters."
She stomped off like she wanted to let all the basement gnomes know what she was doing.
While I just sat back finishing my tea. I had heard Haruhi play this tune too many times before; you don't love me, you don't love the kids, you hate your life, you're an annoying complainer, etc. She would be all cooled down in time to make breakfast tomorrow morning.
Well, I hoped she would be making breakfast. Often we just had cereal or yogurt and fruit, which was fine, but no one made a proper Japanese breakfast like Haruhi. She even made her own pickles, which had enough flavor to make the blind see.
Then why didn't you tell me that, instead of just complaining, idiot?
Argh. I've got to stop this habit of talking to Haruhi when she's not in the room. And the even worse habit of her responding.
I glanced at the digital picture frame on the wall. It changed from a photo of Sayomi with her family to a shot from our wedding reception. Haruhi, still in her wedding gown, is sitting with Tsuruya, Ishigaki, Sakanaka, Nagato, and Watabe. All the lovely ladies are smiling, even Nagato, but Haruhi's grin outshines the other five combined.
It flips to a photo of our first dance as a married couple. She's smiling in this one too, but rather than a big grin exhibiting her teeth, it's a warm and quiet close-lipped smile as she leans the side of her face against my arm. It's one of those rare moments when she looked completely satisfied and content.
You sure smiled a lot that day, Haruhi. For all the struggle you put up against marrying me, you seemed even happier about it happening than I was.
Hell, there have been a lot of periods in our marriage where Haruhi seemed happy all the time. There have been a few unhappy times as well, but overall, I've been blessed with the sight of Haruhi smiling a lot over the years. These past couple months being smile-free is unusual. And unpleasant.
I put down my tea and squeezed my eyes shut. What was I doing? Sure, Haruhi had been inconsiderate and short-tempered lately, but that didn't mean I had to respond in kind. I could make this better if I wanted to. And I did want to. By some means that I couldn't pinpoint, I could feel that I didn't have much time left – though I guess you could argue that I didn't need any mysterious intuition to know that, having recently had my 95th birthday. I didn't want to go to my grave without seeing Haruhi's smile one more time.
Of course, to avert that I would first need to get up. Always an ordeal at my age. I'll spare anyone good enough to listen to an old fool tell his story most of the unpleasant details and just say that by turning onto my side, using one elbow for leverage, and pushing with all my strength, I was able to get on my feet after 20 minutes of grunting and straining.
Then I made my way to the stairs, took a seat in the stair lift, and rode it up to the top. I hated how slow the thing was. Not that I was impatient; it just made me worry that it was going to break down and leave me stranded halfway up the stairs.
Getting back on my feet was much faster here; thanks to the chair's elevation, I just needed to carefully slide out of it until my feet touched the floor.
I walked, forcing my stiff legs to swing forward with each step like I was a toy robot, until I reached the bedroom. Haruhi was seated at the desk, but rather than writing letters as she said, she was staring pensively out the window.
My wife, the eternal mystery. Over the years I had learned so much about her, yet there was still the occasional moment, like now, when I couldn't guess what she was thinking. But that was alright. Because if she wanted me to know what she was thinking, she would always tell me, and I would always listen. That's enough, isn't it?
"Haruhi," I said.
"What?" She sounded utterly weary of me. I could almost think that approaching her now was a mistake. But I had been with Haruhi for the better part of a century now. There were times when she needed to be left alone, but I could tell this was not one of them.
"The tea was wonderful."
She turned and looked at me skeptically, but I didn't falter, because what I was saying was completely true. "It really warmed up my insides and soothed my nerves. Thank you."
She still looked – no, wait, that look couldn't be skepticism. Haruhi knew me much too well to think I would ever flatter her with lies. I'd never seen any need to pump up Haruhi's swollen head any further, and as it was circumstances sometimes forced me to speak a truth that was complimentary to her, so of course I would never lie to make the situation even more intolerable. So the look she was giving me now had to be dissatisfaction.
Nonetheless, I pressed on: "I know I've been grouchy and difficult lately, but the truth is, I'm grateful that you've stuck with me after all this time. It's... I know I always grumbled when you used to work me like a slave, but now that I'm trapped in this decrepit old body, it's frustrating that I can't do that anymore, and even have to rely on you to take care of me. I shouldn't have taken that frustration out on you. Especially not when I'm lucky to have someone to take care of me, and even luckier that that someone is you. I won't let it happen again. A wife like you deserves a lot better than that."
I let it end there. Hell, ordinarily I would say I had already gone too far, especially that last line, but like I said, I was running out of time and I really wanted to see that smile.
For a moment Haruhi just blinked, nonplussed. Then: "Wow. That was some apology."
I nodded and said sagely, "A grievous wrong calls for a grievous apology." Hey, if I have to be ridiculously old, I might as well enjoy the image and recite the occasional proverb.
"Do you really mean all that?"
"Yes." Then, feeling a strange prickling along the back of my neck, I asked, "Why?"
"Because you said the same thing yesterday, idiot!"
I started. "What? That's... Don't be stupid." Okay, clearly not my best comeback.
"I swear, your memory is the worst!" She leaned her head way back, to where she was looking at the ceiling. "Alexa, play back our conversation from after dinner yesterday."
Gah. I still get the creeps from having everything I say in the house recorded, even if only Haruhi and I have access to the recordings, and yes, even if it has helped me win a few arguments.
It played back, my voice and Haruhi's entangled in the aftermath of another argument, and while there were a few changes in wording, there was no denying that it was essentially the same apology.
I covered my face with my hands. "Alright, alright. Just have them put me away in a nursing home already."
"What? No! Alexa, stop playback!"
I uncovered my face so I could stare at her with astonishment. Haruhi knew me well enough to know when I was being facetious, so why was she reacting with such dismay?
Haruhi stood up from the desk. "I don't want you put in an institution! I want you to stay with me forever!"
I blinked. "Haruhi, have the kids been talking about putting me in a nursing home?"
"You'd know that if you could remember anything, because they've been talking to you about it!"
Okay, this conversation is not going as I planned. Dammit. Have I really been that much of a burden to Haruhi? To everyone? Is the only thing I can do for them now to just check into a facility and watch TV while I wait to die?
"I already said, no! I won't let anyone take you away from me!" Her fists clenched. Despite being nearly a century old, she looked ready to knock out anyone who came within arm's reach. "No matter how grumpy and ungrateful you get, no matter how rude you behave, no matter how much you forget, you're still my Kyon!"
I wish she would stop calling me that once and for all. Ever since I told her that I'm John Smith, she's mostly addressed me as John, which is not as good as my real name but infinitely preferable to Kyon. Every now and then, though, a "Kyon" slips in.
"Are you listening to me? I'm not letting you go! I stayed next to you in class for all three years of high school, I went to college with you, I got you a job in my office, and then I married you to lock you in for the long haul. I am not going to just let you go after all that!"
Well, I felt almost the same way. I had no desire to end my companionship with Haruhi, ever. The important difference was, I had accepted that it would end, whether we wanted it to or not. It broke my heart to even think about it, but one day I would breathe my last, and then I would never again get to see her face, or hold her hand, or hear her piercing voice command me onward.
I started to walk towards her. "Haruhi, listen..."
"No! I don't want any more talk of you going into a nursing home, or an assisted living facility, or any other place where I can't be!"
Actually, so long as they get paid, I'm pretty sure those elderly care places will admit anyone, whether they need care or not. But I don't want to get bogged down in that question right now. I just want her to stop being upset.
"Okay, Haru," I said. "I just... I just..."
I noticed something that I probably should have noticed sooner: It was very hard to breathe, and getting harder by the second. My chest, my throat, and my guts all felt like they were being squeezed in a vice. Had I pushed myself too hard getting up from the kotatsu and coming here?
"John! What's wrong?"
I would have liked to have answered, really I would have, but I couldn't get a decent breath past my throat. It felt like all the strength I had (which, okay, wasn't a whole lot) was deserting my body. Haruhi didn't have that problem. She was already at my side and pushing the button on my medical alert device, yelling at me for not being more careful all the while.
It didn't matter. This was the end of the line for me. Every part of my body was telling me that I had worked it long enough, and it was checking out.
But I had a few precious moments of life left. I grasped Haruhi's shoulder. "Haru..." I forced out. "Smile... for me..."
"You idiot! How am I supposed to smile at a time like this?" Tears were starting to run from her eyes.
She was right. I had waited too long. Even if I was mistaken, and I lived through this, I was not going to be in pretty shape when it was over. I was never going to be able to make Haruhi smile again. Should have appreciated the smiles I got more...
"Hang on, John! Don't you dare leave me now! Not after all I've gone through keeping you alive this long!"
Sorry, Haruhi. I held on as long as I could, but in the end, we all go...
"No! Help is coming, so hold on!" She reached down and clasped my hand.
And then... I again got the strange sensation that I had just landed here from somewhere decades in the past. Only now, the sensation was... more complete.
For starters, I suddenly had no problems breathing whatsoever. My heart was pumping with an easy, unhindered vigor. The stiffness in my joints dissolved. My mind felt edgier, more cautious.
Of more immediate interest, my elderly wife's hand had been replaced by that of a teenage girl. If it weren't for the yellow ribbon in her hair, I might not have recognized her. At least, not immediately.
"Haruhi?" I said, stunned, and my voice was so young I felt an urge to call my parents and let them know where I was.
"I did it!" Haruhi cheered, standing triumphantly with her hands on her hips. "Ha, you thought you were a goner there, didn't you? You should have known I'd save you!" She grabbed my medical alert device and canceled the call. "Your heart's not going to cut out on you anytime soon. Feels great, doesn't it?"
"Hold it," I said, holding up a hand. Even with all the weirdness I'd been through in my life, my head was spinning. My wife and I had just had our clocks turned back 80 years – not an easy thing to adjust to. "Are you saying you did this? I thought you gave up your powers decades ago."
"Well, apparently you never really lose something like that!"
That's no explanation. That's hand waving.
"John, it's simple. No matter what year it is, no matter where in the universe we are, I'm still Haruhi Suzumiya. I may have long hair or short hair, I may have thick wrinkles or smooth flawless skin," - she ran her fingers admiringly over her adolescent forearm - "and I may be fertile or post-menopausal, but my identity doesn't change. And the powers transcend time, right? If nothing else, that looping thing and those time folds prove that."
"Well, sure. But just because the powers transcend time doesn't mean you having the powers transcends time."
The way she looked now, I half-expected Haruhi to protest "I know that!" and proceed with some half-assed bluff to try to convince me she had actually been saying something more sensible. But Haruhi was still 95 years old, and by that age she'd become a little more mature. "Yeah, I guess that's true. But you realize what I did, don't you?"
"Sure. You made us younger."
She sighed and shook her head with disappointment. "John, John. What you said is true, but strictly incidental. Don't you remember the first time we visited Aunt Kanae, and I was making those time folds?"
I did remember that. Which was strange, because just a few minutes ago all my memories of that time were vague at best.
"Well, back then I made a time fold that was very special. It reached all the way through the decades to now and – hmm, how did Yuki put it? Oh, right – synchronized our teenage selves with our present selves. And since my teenage self still had the powers, that means I now have them too. Amongst other things..." She looked over her youthful body and smiled.
Well, I suppose I should have realized she didn't just de-age us. If that was it, we'd still be wearing our kimonos and slippers. Instead I wore a bland shirt, my old jacket, some pants with legs too long for me, and outdoor shoes, while Haruhi had outdoor shoes, baggy pants, and a loose-fitting yellow shirt with a blue-and-white sweatshirt on over it. She was now reaching under the shirt to feel up her breasts.
"Mmm, these aren't saggy at all now, are they? I don't think I appreciated what nice boobs I had back then; I was too busy playing with Mikuru's, I guess. Wanna feel them, Kyon?"
I reeled back. "I really don't think that's appropriate!" I raised my arms in preparation to cover my eyes should she decide to flash me.
She was giving me her half-lidded look. "What is wrong with you? You've already spent more time touching my boobs than I have. I'm your wife, remember?"
"That fact is still hard for me to believe sometimes, but even harder to forget. However, it's also hard to overlook the fact that you're 15 years old."
"17 years old," she corrected. "I was just exceptionally cute back then. More to the point, you're now 17 too."
"On the outside, yeah, but inside I'm a 95-year-old geezer."
"And inside I'm a 95-year-old hag! Any way you look at it, we're the same age!"
"Good grief," I groaned. "Try looking at it from the perspective of a normal person. I'm 95 years old. The fact that I'm even tempted to touch your breasts is creepy. If I lay my hands on you, that's justifiable cause for a life sentence with no hope for probation."
"Errrgh! Don't you get it?" She crossed the distance between us in one bound and seized me by my jacket. "We can have sex again!"
Oh no.
Call me a fool if you will, but I was not prepared to confront all the sexual desire Haruhi and I had shored up over our golden years. Despite my resultant terror, I managed to say, "That's a really bad idea. Didn't you say we're in a time fold just a moment ago?"
Haruhi's concentrated glare turned into an evil grin, though whether that was because she was amused by what I just said or because she could sense my resistance was already weakening was hard to say. "We've had sex in a time fold before."
"Not that we're sure of. And not in a time fold like this, where we're sharing bodies and minds with our past selves. We wouldn't just be having sex; we'd be making them have sex. And neither of us were ready for that back then. We can know that for certain, because right now we are them."
"...Hmmph." Haruhi gave that look which showed that she didn't like what I was saying but knew that I was right. I love that look. "Well, there's at least one thing you haven't been able to do with me for years which I know even our teenage selves were ready for," she said, fiddling with the trim of my jacket.
That simple, cute gesture, and those words (or maybe it was the sound of her voice) filled me with an irresistible temptation. Maybe, having fought off the more deadly temptation to have sex, I had nothing left to fight off this second temptation. So I bent down and scooped Haruhi up into my arms, princess style. I had forgotten how much lighter Haruhi was at that age – no, wait, it was that I was so much stronger then.
Haruhi slipped her arms around my neck. "Mind reader," she said with a teasing, playful smile. That special smile where the teasing and playfulness were neither entirely sexual nor entirely innocent. It was a smile that I knew I had never seen before I was 18, making it starkly manifest that though her body and her energy were both 17 years old, this was still the Haruhi I had been married to for over 70 years, with all the experience and understanding she'd gained over that time. I'm not even a little bit of a pedophile, but I love Haruhi no matter what age she is, and right at that moment I was both 95 years old and 17 years old, and my 17-year-old self was very naturally attracted to a 17-year-old Haruhi. The fact that she was also exhibiting the best traits of her 95-year-old self made her all the harder to resist.
Surely just one kiss on those teasing lips wouldn't hurt anything? After all, I'd already kissed her in closed space, even if at the time she thought it was all -
"Wait," I said.
She cocked an eyebrow. "What do you think I've been doing?"
"I don't mean wait for me to kiss you. If we're synchronized with our past selves, that means they're going to remember everything we remember – including the whole deal with your powers and aliens, espers, time travelers, and sliders being real."
"Well, good. You should have told me all that stuff a lot sooner anyway."
"Good grief. You think I'm the one with bad memory? I tried to tell you all that stuff multiple times. You weren't having it, because you wanted to wait for just the right moment. And think of what it would do to the trust between us for you to find out about your powers this way instead of me telling you. On top of all that, you do realize that would be changing the past, right?"
"Okay, I get it," she sighed. "Don't worry about it. Now that I have my powers back, I'm sure I can figure out a way to close off the time fold so that we don't remember any of it. In fact, I must have, since otherwise I would have remembered that I have to save your life today." I opened my mouth. "Don't say it."
"I was just going to ask if you could let me remember the time fold. One of us should have an idea of what you did."
"Well, I'll give it a try."
She pulled my head down for a kiss, and a big part of me wanted to meet her halfway, but the 17-year-old part was screaming that he did not want to kiss Haruhi right now, especially not a 95-year-old Haruhi, and the sensible part of me was telling me I couldn't allow myself to be distracted from the big issue here. So before her lips could make contact, I set her back down.
"Haruhi," I said. "Now. You've got to close the time fold now."
"Give me a minute, will you?" she scowled, obviously no more pleased at my having passed up that kiss than I was. "On top of everything else, I have to figure out how to make our bodies stay this age when I send our adolescent selves back. Otherwise, you'll drop dead as soon as I end the time fold."
"That's what I have to do." I put my hands on her shoulders. "Haruhi, it's my time. Keeping me alive by catching me when I fall, or taking out a superalien attacker, or cooking me healthy meals is one thing. Altering reality to turn back my ticker eight decades is another thing. That's cheating."
"I don't care," she spat back. "I'm not going to just let you die!"
"You think all the billions of other people in the world, and all the countless people who have lived or will live, were just fine with the people they cared about dying?" I retorted. "Why should I be exempt just because my wife has powers no one else does?"
"You think I wouldn't save all of them if I had the opportunity? You think I -"
She stopped there, and I realized she was no longer looking at me, but at something behind me. I turned around to look.
Through the window was something so big, you couldn't see all of it from where we were standing. Haruhi and I both rushed to the window to look out. What we saw would have blocked out the sun if it hadn't already set.
It was a giant figure dressed from head to toe in a black tattered cloak and hood. The face was a gleaming white skull, and from the sleeves protruded spindly bone fingers clutching a thin chain from which dangled an hourglass. All the grains of sand were at the bottom.
My throat went dry just at the sight of it. I croaked, "There, see? Flipping our timelines around doesn't count. He's come here for me."
"Yeah, well, I'm not going to let him take you."
She ran out of the room, down the stairs, and out the back door, me hot at her heels. And all the while, I was thinking, This can't be real. I mean, death is just a concept, not a being, and the whole skeletal Grim Reaper personification is just a convenient device. No one but Haruhi could think death actually looks like that.
Which means... Haruhi must have created that thing with her subconscious. But why? If she doesn't want me to die, why create a physical manifestation of death?
As soon as I came running outdoors, those thoughts were thrust from my mind, and I pulled up short. There was something in the air outside that sent chills to the very deepest parts of me. The whole backyard smelled like a cemetery.
But Haruhi was still sprinting towards that colossal unholy thing, her shoes kicking up turf. I yelled for her to stop, but she kept right on increasing the distance between us, and closing the distance between her and that thing.
She came to a halt just a couple hundred meters from Death and held up a hand in a signal to stop, her other hand planted confidently at her hip. "Hold it right there. So, you're finally showing your face, huh? Took you long enough. Coward."
Death tilted its hideous head at her, as though struggling to comprehend this unprecedented show of defiance.
"Here's the scoop," Haruhi said. "You can't have Kyon. Ever. So you have two options." She held up two fingers, as if Death might have trouble with the concept of two. "One, you walk away and don't come within a square mile of us ever again. Two, I kick your ass so hard, your marrow will be pissing itself. What's it going to be?"
Death tilted its head at her the other way. Then, apparently giving up on finding a hint of sense or logic in her behavior, it reached its hand out for me.
"On no you don't!" Haruhi leaped into an impossible spin kick, the kind you see in martial arts cartoons, carrying her a few hundred meters up to Death's forearm and knocking it aside. She twisted in midair and landed with perfect grace.
There was no question about it: Haruhi hadn't lost the knack of using her powers in the decades she'd gone without them.
"I told you, Kyon is off-limits to you. Weren't you listening?"
Well, it doesn't have any ears, after all. It's just a skeleton.
But Death seemed to have gotten the idea that if it wanted me, it would have to go through Haruhi first. It reached down with one hand and plucked her up like a garden weed. Haruhi squirmed in its grip, but she was entrapped in a straitjacket of bone. Having all the strength she could wish for didn't do much good when all her limbs were locked in place.
"Haruhi!" I screamed. "Let her go! It's me you want! I'll -"
"Kyon, shut up!" Haruhi glared down at me. "I've got this under control!"
With a ghastly rasping of its joints, Death began squeezing Haruhi in its grip. She gasped, caught off-guard by the inhuman pressure being applied to her soft human ribs. Then she started screaming in agony.
"D-Damn you!" I shouted up at the merciless thing towering over me. Seeing Haruhi helpless, on the extremely rare occasions when it happened, never failed to make me sick to my guts. It was more profane and a greater violation of her nature than Jesus stealing from the poor.
All this time, much as I wanted to postpone death for myself and those I cared about, I thought death was ultimately a gentle thing, and in a few special instances even a glorious thing, like when the hero dies in a climactic battle to save the world. I guess I was naive in my youth, and later, when everyone I loved started dying, I was in denial. But now I saw the truth: Death was cruel.
I had to do something. Even if it was futile from the start, I couldn't stand and do nothing while Haruhi was pressed into the demeaning role of damsel in distress. So I ran up to a giant bony leg and started climbing. I wasn't much of a climber, either at 17 years old or 95, and just touching the giant Death felt like it was draining the life from me, but Haruhi was in trouble, and that's all I needed to power me onward.
As I reached the femur, I called, "Hang on, Haruhi! I'm coming!"
Haruhi's head was hanging low, and she was squeezing her eyes so tightly shut from the pain that tears were running out, but she heard my cry. Her tear-stained eyes opened and looked at me. "J... John?"
"Just hold on!" I called.
Right. As if everything was going to be fine once I arrived. Well, I was going to give it my best shot, and it couldn't hurt to give her some hope, right?
But I forgot. Haruhi always had far more hope than I did. Her eyes went from wracked with pain to blazing with determination, her jaw set, and an undefinable aura of energy surrounded her. Even Death noticed it; its grip faltered, and it peered more closely at its captive.
"You made a big mistake," Haruhi told Death. "Messing with me was dumb enough all by itself, but with John Smith at my side, I'm totally unbeatable. Oh, you caught me by surprise, I admit." She tossed her head disdainfully. "But now that I've got a force field in place around my body, you can squeeze all you want, and I won't feel the least bit of pressure."
Death renewed its effort to squeeze Haruhi into adults-only gore, as if determined to prove her wrong. Which was exactly what Haruhi wanted. I can only guess that she must have made her force field extra slippery, because when Death squeezed this time, she shot out of its grip like a greased cucumber. Then, in an exhibition of highly improbable physics, she shifted her trajectory and spun into a karate kick that crossed the remaining meters to Death's face and smashed through its nasal lining. "That's for Koizumi!" she bellowed.
Damn. She just broke off a piece of Death. Wondering if I could do the same, I tried punching its pelvis with all my strength. ...Nope. Also, ow.
Death tried to swat Haruhi off, but she flipped away and dove at its shoulder. The resultant blow from her fist knocked Death's arm clean out of its socket. It crashed down in the trees below, along with the hourglass it had been holding. The glass cracked open, spilling sand on the ground. "That's for Tsuruya!"
She kicked away, seemingly to target the ribs next, but Death snatched her out of midair with its remaining hand. It then opened its maw wide to consume her in the endless nothingness it held inside.
If this were an animated movie or TV show, Death would have eaten her in one gulp, and the fact that it had no flesh to enclose her, digest her, or even obscure her from sight would be quietly ignored. But bizarre as it might sound, this was reality, and in reality even Death needed to chew its food. So it dropped Haruhi on one of its molars. Its jaws closed down, while I, the ineffectual sidekick, was still climbing the vertebrae, too far away to save her.
But I didn't need to. Haruhi raised a fist high and slammed it down with godly force, making a hole in the center of the tooth big enough for her to disappear into when Death's teeth came clacking together. A minute later, her fist smashed out of the outer surface of the tooth; apparently she had tunneled her way through.
"That little cavity was for my Mom and Dad!" She looked around, getting her bearings, then turned her face in my direction. "Hey, John! You trust me, right?"
"Seriously?" I said. "Even 17-year-old you shouldn't have to ask that."
"Then jump with me!" She dove off of Death's jaw, arms outstretched.
"W-What? Haruhi!" Damn her, she'd left no time for reasonable debate. No time to even think about it. Knowing only that she was depending on me. So I kicked off of my perch on Death's spine right as Haruhi came near and reached out to grasp her hand.
We fell together. And as the ground neared, I realized with terror what Haruhi's plan was. One of our neighbors had a trampoline in their yard, you see.
You don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that there's a limit to how much momentum a trampoline can absorb, or that the material will stretch down to the hard ground even before it hits that limit. But I fought back the urge to point out the faulty physics in her plan. She had her powers back, and that meant this would work so long as she believed it would, and if she didn't believe, it wouldn't work. And if it didn't work, we would go splat.
We hit the trampoline, and faster than you can explain what is supposed to happen to a person who builds momentum over hundreds of meters of free fall and is then slowed to zero velocity over two meters, we bounced back at rocket speed, soaring above the trees and the rib cage of Death itself, finally colliding with its bony jaw with more force than we hit the trampoline with (Haruhi was really disregarding the laws of physics today). With that daring collision, Death's head popped clean off.
I was worried Haruhi might not have thought through this next part, so I reached out and grabbed hold of Death's clavicle to anchor us, still holding tight to Haruhi with my other hand as we started to descend. The now headless body of Death descended with us, but appreciably slower than we would have been without it since it was collapsing, not free falling. As we started to cross the last few meters to the ground, we hopped off.
Haruhi caught hold of a tree branch and swung into a graceful landing. In my prime I could have pulled off something like that, but neither my 17-year-old or 95-year-old selves were that athletic. I hit the ground rolling, picking up dirt and twigs.
I sat up, dusted myself off, and saw Haruhi standing triumphantly with hands on her hips, surveying the fallen skeletal form of Death as it crumbled into dust.
"He wasn't so tough," she scoffed. "Kind of a disappointment after all that buildup."
I don't know how long I sat there, looking over the now serene woods, wondering what we'd just done. Probably just knocked over a punching bag, right? After all, that Grim Reaper was Haruhi's creation.
But much as I wanted to, I couldn't believe Haruhi would create an absurd monstrosity like that for such a petty purpose. When she was 17, sure, but by 95 she had more restraint. There was something more to this, but I didn't want to think about it.
"Okay," Haruhi said. "I've worked out how to safely close the time fold. Let's do this."
She extended a hand to me, and I took it.
I mean, what else could I do?
I stumbled, but managed not to fall, as Haruhi continued to pull me along by the hand. The pavement seemed to be feinting punches at my face due to how fast she was running with me in tow like an oversized, rickety trailer.
"Come on!" she urged me. "We've got to... to... huh." She came to a halt, thankfully not so suddenly as to make me lose my balance. "What we were doing, again?"
"How should I know?" I demanded, trying to shake away my dizziness. "You never told me in the first place."
"Do I really have to tell you everything? Can't you figure anything out for yourself? Some brigade member."
As you're so fond of saying, this isn't an SOS Brigade trip.
"Wait, this is the spot where Aunt Kanae dropped us off, isn't it? Yeah, I guess we had to hurry to meet up with her."
Except she's still nowhere in sight, and you didn't fetch Ishigaki out of the church. Not that I'm going to say no to any explanation that keeps you from questioning what we were just doing too closely.
Now, let me think... I think I saw my entire life flash before my eyes, and all my other sensory organs. Well, not my entire life, just the bits with Haruhi. Then I was really ridiculously old... but I had my current body... And the Grim Reaper came to claim my soul. Then Haruhi...
Oh. Oh, hell.
"I'm going to go grab Ishigaki from the church," I said to Haruhi, then bolted before she had a chance to raise an objection. There was no time to waste.
I ran into the church, but not the main part where Ishigaki was probably still doing her thing. Instead I ducked into an unoccupied side chapel and pulled out my phone. Who should I call? The obvious choice was Koizumi, with his multitude of connections, but I really was not in the mood to fend off his questions about our sexual activities yet again. Nagato? She was helpful in just about every instance, but not good for information about organic lifeforms; apart from Nagato herself, her entire race was interested in monitoring only one organic lifeform, Haruhi. Miss Asahina and Takahiro Sugiyama were both even worse on that front; I doubted they had more than two or three contacts in this time and place between the two of them.
I considered contacting Goro Mishima. I still didn't trust the guy, but he would undoubtedly have the information I needed, and Sasaki had told me to give him another chance. And what the hey... I didn't see any way that he could double-cross me on something like this. So long as I didn't tell him anything he didn't need to know, anyway.
In the end, though, I called Koizumi. Call it force of habit.
"Koizumi here. I suspect you're calling with bad news?"
"Really bad news, probably. I need you to check in with hospitals – all over the world, preferably, but at least that one which your people run – and find out what's going on with the people in intensive care, in critical condition, anything like that."
"What am I looking for?"
"I'm not sure, and we don't have time to argue or make cute comments about this. Can you get me that info or not?"
"Will you in exchange tell me -"
"No," I cut him off through gritted teeth. "You get me that info within the next two hours, or I'll call Goro Mishima and ask him. Got it?"
"Understood. I'll do what I can."
We both hung up.
I slumped forward, hanging my head.
"Please," I whispered into the quiet of the church. "Please, don't let Haruhi have done what I think she's done."