Chapter 2

And I'll never be the same.

Jay spent the next two hours in the couch, his mind on everything but her. He forced himself to think about everything else that happened, the drugs,the club,the hunger of Antonio, but not her.

Yet, he found out that it wasn't something he could control.

All his head contemplated was the sight of the woman that had been his partner, then his hidden girlfriend,then just partner again,to being not even that, and at the end then girlfriend again;well,at least before he found out he was still married with Abby and he started struggling again with ptsd. Before the whole Bunny story, before she left for New York.They were both happy before all of that, now it was just messed up, so fucking complicated. And Jay really,really thought that there was nothing he could've done to change things. At first,when she moved to New York, he tried,hard, texting her,calling, but it didn't work that well.

She was on the defensive, maybe actually trying to move one. They talked for a while after she left, but he couldn't even ask her why. Why she didn't say goodbye, why he hoped for almost four months that she was sooner or later coming back in the bullpen, with her usually sarcastic attitude and her raspy voice.

It didn't work, they didn't stay in touch. Funny how each other was the person who they had come home to,every night, for one year. Now they were basically strangers, who just happened to share a lot of memories of what seems like another lifetime.

As his thoughts had the best of him, he quickly grabbed his blue jacket and the piece of paper Erin gave him and his keys,closing silently the door, hoping Antonio would not wake up.

The drive to what supposedly was gonna be Erin's place was so long but yet it felt too short for Jay. He thought the whole ride what to say, what he was going to tell her,to do. But he couldn't really give himself any answers and as he arrived at the really tiny house, he was scared even of knocking.

It was nearly 4 am now, and she was probably asleep,god why he had that stupid idea? What was he doing there?

His eyes catches the window of the front door, the low light of what it seemed like a computer hanging in the room.

Maybe she was awake after all, and with a courage that he probably didn't have, as if it was the lack of sleep taking decisions for him, Jay stood frozen in front of Erin's door, his hand trembling as it hovered over the doorbell. Memories of their tumultuous past flooded his mind, each one a sharp reminder of the pain and heartache they had both endured. He closed his eyes briefly, trying to steel himself for whatever lay ahead. The door swung open, revealing Erin's hesitant smile, and Jay felt a knot form in his stomach.

"Hi…" he murmured, his voice barely above a whisper, his hand scratching nervously at his neck.

"When i gave you my address I didn't think you would've showed up at almost 5 am." She joked,but she still opened the door as a sign to make him know he could enter. The house was two floors,but very,like very tiny,probably only one room and hopefully a bathroom upstairs, since the first floor only had this small kitchen used also as a living room with a tv hanging on the wall.

Jay's heart hammered against his chest as he stood in the cramped room, his fingers twitching with nervous energy,as Erin went to the small kitchen grabbing two cups of coffee.

As Jay's gaze lingered on Erin, he couldn't help but be transported back to their shared moments of laughter and camaraderie in the bullpen, a bittersweet reminder of what they both had lost. Because that day months and months ago, willing or not, they both lost a piece of themselves. Jay sure did lose his partner, his best friend, girlfriend, and right shoulder, just as Erin did. But they were broken up before Erin left; they weren't a couple, they weren't living together anymore in the house they learned to call their own.

So as Erin left, Jay lost his balance, and at the same time that Erin lost her stable life in Chicago, he happened to lose himself too. Just like Erin had in the other state, in the cold and empty New York.

She gestured him to sit on the worn-out leather couch, handing him the cup. "Sorry, it's not the best, but this is what the house offers." She gulped a large sip of her coffee and sat on the other side of the couch.

"Thank you," he said softly, accepting the cup she offered him with trembling hands. Their fingers brushed briefly as he took it, sending a jolt of electricity coursing through him at the contact. He forced himself to look away, to focus on the coffee in his hands rather than the woman sitting beside him.

He took a good sip of the coffee and added, "No need to worry, not worst than the bullpen one." He joked, trying to light up the mood. But he was still in this creepy house, with a girl that wasn't his girl anymore,hasn't been for a long time now.

So how can you light up the mood with all of the baggage they had, plus all of it during an undercover assignment?

Erin let out a small chuckle, as she looked at him, truly for the first time in almost two years,not counting earlier before, the dark of the room not giving him enough justice. He had a subtle yet cured scruff, and little almost unnoticeable wrinkles in the corner of his still very much beautiful emerald eyes. He looked a lot like the Jay she once knew, her partner and best friend and that made it even harder for Erin to got it together and start a real conversation with him.

The dim light from the single bulb cast long shadows across the worn-out couch and cracked walls, lending an eerie atmosphere to the tiny room. Jay knew that this conversation would be anything but easy; it would dredge up memories and emotions that had long been buried beneath the surface.

"I'm sorry i came so early or..well,late," Jay confessed letting out a small laugh while scratching the back of his neck, "but..I don't know.I needed to see..to talk to you,to understand."

His stare was looking right through the petite frame of Erin, who just nodded, before clearing her throat, a palpable insecurity in her gesture.

"I... Yeah." She took a deep breath, "I guess we should do that."

"I'm working here as undercover for the FBI. Two months now, and i'm trying wrap up to the Andrew's brothers but they are crafty.I think I gained their trust, but they are not easy to talk to, you may have noticed that." Erin explained, her expression revealing a little bit more than her inexpressive voice.

Jay listened intently, his mind racing with a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions as Erin spoke.He knew she was working for the FBI, but specifically having undercover operations since she left,it was clear she was one the best, and he couldn't help to be proud of her,so damn proud.

"So, all this time, you've been undercover..." Jay's voice trailed off, unable to fully articulate the myriad of questions swirling in his mind.

Erin nodded, her eyes meeting his briefly before flickering away, unable to hold his gaze for long. "Yeah,almost 5 cases finished if we don't count this one yet" she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. "You know it,I didn't have much of a choice, Jay. It was this or...or nothing."

He nodded. But he didn't truly understand that. He held so much anger and sadness over the fact that she left without a word.

"I was angry with you,you know?For leaving,for not fighting for your life,for me,for us." He revealed, his voice sharp and firm. "But then..I knew I was even more angrier at myself," he continued, his voice thick with emotion. "I was the one who gave up first, and I regretted it for a long time."

As Jay's words hung heavy in the air, Erin's heart clenched with the weight of his accusation. She knew that Jay was right; she had left him behind without so much as a goodbye. But she also knew that their relationship had been strained long before she made the decision to leave Chicago.

"I left because I felt like I had no other choice," Erin admitted to him, her voice thick with emotion. "But I also left because I felt like you had already given up on us."

Jay's eyes closed tiredly, knowing that she was also somehow true. He knew he had played a part in driving Erin away, that his struggles with PTSD and his complicated relationship with Abby had pushed her to her breaking point. And he blamed himself for it every day since he understood she was not coming back.

"I left without saying goodbye because I know I wouldn't have left if you asked me to stay, " And it was true, she knows that if Jay told her not to leave, she wouldn't have. But it wasn't fair to Hank, to the effort he made for her to be better, for her own effort, and for her own strength. She didn't know who she was without his job, and she couldn't imagine a life without it. So she did the only thing possible, starting over. But she seriously miscalculated how much her life wasn't her life if Jay wasn't in it.

Erin continued, her voice trembling with emotion. "And I felt like I had already lost you long before I walked out that bullpen."

Jay's heart clenched at Erin's words, the pain of their shared past crashing over him like a tidal wave.

"I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to give up on us! I was.." He almost said it to her, he almost let it slip out that he had his mother's ring in his pocket the last time he saw her, that he almost got down on one knee right in front of the district because he was scared he was gonna lose her, more than he already did if that was even possible.

But their talk made him feel like there was something more coming, and he really thought he would've seen her again, not that that talk would've been their last,not that she would've not shown up at molly's that night,not returning his calls. He wanted to help her in a way he deep down knew he couldn't,cause it wasn't his fault or even hers, but he blamed it on a lot of people. He blamed it on Bunny, cause how can you put your own daughter in such a bad situation, he blamed it on Hank, for switching up their partnership at work, cause he would've never let her done what she did in the interrogation room, and he blamed Hailey, for a really long time, cause she should've, could've stopped her, and she didn't. Funny how now Hailey was his partner and he trusted her,he did.But it wasn't the same,it could've never been the same.

"I think you are still angry at me, and maybe you can't forgive me. God, I don't even know if I did."

Erin got up, placing her now empty cup of coffee in the small silver sink.Then she turned around, looking with all the truth she could to her ex boyfriend.

"If you want to talk about this again we definitely can,we will…but.. this is not a game,Jay." Her voice serious and firm now,almost a warning, "This two guys,they have something big in their hands and I..we can't let this happen.I need to know if you two are gonna have my back out there, I already contacted my unit and i think fbi and intelligence could work well on this together."

Jay was about to reply, when a loud knock on the door interrupted their conversation.

Erin's eyes widened, not expecting anyone at this hour of the now early morning.

"Hide upstairs," Erin whispered to Jay, who looked at her in a mix between indecision and worry.

"What? I'm not leaving you here" Jay mouthed in reaction, the knock even stronger now.

"This could blow up the cover!Hide,now!" She urgently said, leading him to the small stairs. As he reached the top of the stairs, he stole a glance back at Erin, his eyes searching for a glimpse of afterthought of answering alone. She offered him a reassuring nod before turning her attention back to the door.

The knock came again, louder this time, and Erin's heart skipped a beat as she braced herself for whatever lay on the other side. With a deep breath, she pulled open the door, steeling herself for the confrontation that awaited her.

Standing on the threshold was Kyle, his expression a mix of annoyance and impatience as he surveyed the scene before him. His eyes narrowed as they fell on Erin, a flicker of recognition crossing his features before he composed himself with a sly smile.

"Hey there, sweetheart," he greeted, his voice smooth and disarming. "Didn't mean to disturb you at this hour, but I thought I'd swing by and check in on my favorite dancer."

Erin forced a polite smile, her mind racing as she tried to understand why he was there at this time of the night. "Oh, uh, hi Kyle," she replied, her voice tinged with nervousness. "It's, uh, it's late. What are you doing here?"

Kyle's smile widened, a predatory glint in his eyes as he stepped closer, invading her personal space. "Just thought I'd see if you needed some company," he offered, his voice low and suggestive. "You know, after what happened with that client."

Erin's stomach churned with unease as she searched for a way to deflect his advances.

"Thanks, but I'm fine," Erin replied, her tone firm as she took a step back, subtly putting more distance between them. "I appreciate your concern, but it's really late and I should get some rest."

Kyle's smile faltered for a moment, his eyes narrowing as he studied her reaction. "Come on, Vicky," he coaxed, his voice taking on a persuasive edge. "Don't be like that. I just want to make sure you're okay."

Erin's heart raced as she tried to think of a way to get him to leave without raising suspicion. "I'm really tired, Kyle," she insisted, her voice tinged with desperation. "I'll see you tomorrow at the club, okay?"

Kyle's smile turned predatory, his eyes darkening with determination as he took another step forward. "I think I'll come in for a minute," he said, his voice low and dangerous. "Just to make sure everything's alright."

Erin couldn't do anything if not letting him in to not blue up her whole cover and vividly hoping Jay would stay upstairs.

"Want a beer?" Erin asked, trying to seem as friendly as possible.

Kyle's grin widened as he stepped into the cramped space, his eyes darting around the room as if taking stock of his surroundings. "Sure, I'll take a beer," he replied, his voice oozing with confidence as he made himself at home.

Erin quickly moved to the tiny fridge, her heart racing as she retrieved a cold bottle of beer. She handed it to Kyle with a forced smile, her mind racing with thoughts of how to get him out without blowing her cover.

As Kyle took a sip of his beer, his eyes lingered on Erin, his gaze unsettling. "You know, Vicky," he said, his voice low and suggestive, "you're even more stunning outside work."

Erin forced a polite smile, her stomach churning with unease as she tried to maintain her composure. "Thanks, Kyle," she replied, her voice tinged with nervousness. "I really appreciate the compliment."

Kyle's grin widened as he took another sip of his beer, his eyes never leaving Erin's face. "You know," he said, his voice dropping to a whisper, "I've always had a thing for you. Ever since the first time I saw you dance."

Erin's heart raced as she searched for a way to deflect his advances, her mind racing with thoughts of how to get him to leave without raising suspicion. "I, uh, I don't know what to say, Kyle," she stammered, her voice shaky with nerves.

Kyle's smile faltered for a moment, his eyes narrowing as he studied her reaction. "Come on, Vicky," he coaxed, his voice taking on a persuasive edge. "Are you getting shy? I'm trying to be friendly here."

Erin's mind raced as she tried to think of a way to get him to leave, her heart pounding in her chest. She needed to find a way to get rid of him without raising any suspicions.

"Look,I know our relationship is strictly work related," he slurred,as he probably was already kinda buzzed when he first arrived. "But I wanted to ask,you danced for the new guys tonight, Alex and Rick" Kyle explained,while Erin tried not to seem overly nervous about why he brought them up.

"Yeah, I remember them."

"We are about to start a deal with them you know,what impression they gave you?We're not totally certain 100% still."

Erin's heart raced as Kyle's words sent a shiver down her spine. She knew she had to tread carefully, as any wrong move could blow her cover and jeopardize the operation.

"They seemed alright," Erin replied cautiously, her mind racing as she tried to gauge Kyle's intentions. "But you never really know with new clients, you know?"

Kyle's gaze bore into her, his eyes narrowing with suspicion as he studied her reaction. "Yeah, I guess you're right," he muttered, his voice tinged with uncertainty. "But I need to make sure they are on board with our plans before we go through with this deal."

Erin's mind raced as she tried to come up with a plausible explanation for her hesitation. "Of course," she replied quickly, her voice tinged with reassurance. "I'll do whatever it takes to make sure everything goes smoothly."

Kyle's gaze lingered on her for a moment longer, his expression unreadable as he studied her face. Erin's heart pounded in her chest as she waited for his response, her mind spinning with thoughts of how to handle the situation.

Finally, Kyle seemed to relent, his tense posture relaxing slightly as he took another sip of his beer. "Alright then," he said, his voice tinged with resignation. "I trust your judgment, Vicky. But remember, we're in this together."

Erin forced a polite smile, her mind racing as she tried to maintain her composure. "Of course, Kyle," she replied, her voice tinged with relief. "I'll let you know if I hear anything."

With that, Kyle finished his beer and stood up, his eyes lingering on Erin for a moment longer before he made his way to the door. Erin let out a shaky breath as she watched him go, her mind racing with thoughts of how to handle the situation.

As soon as Kyle was gone, Erin let out a sigh of relief, her body sagging with exhaustion. She knew she had narrowly avoided disaster, but she also knew that she couldn't let her guard down for a second.

Turning her attention to the stairs, Erin called out softly, "Jay? You can come down now."

She waited anxiously as Jay descended the stairs, his expression tense as he met her gaze. "Is everything okay?" he asked, his voice tinged with concern.

Erin nodded, her heart pounding in her chest. "For now," she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. "But we need to be careful. Kyle is suspicious, and if he finds out what we're up to..."

Her voice trailed off, the weight of their situation settling over them like a heavy blanket. Jay's expression hardened as he took in her words, his mind racing with thoughts about how to proceed.

"We need to stay focused," he said firmly, his voice tinged with determination. "And we need to watch each other's backs. No matter what."

Erin nodded, her eyes meeting his in a silent vow.

"You should probably head back to Antonio, right?" Erin asked him as the sun was slowly starting to rise, almost 5:30 am now.

"Yeah," Jay sighed silently,"I should probably go"while he took his jacket, he could help but still feeling there was so,too much left unsaid between them.

He knew Erin was right, that he needed to return to Antonio and regroup, but a part of him longed to stay, to continue their conversation and unravel the tangled mess of their past.

And as he was about to head towards the door, Erin's voice stopped him.

"Guess we'll see each other tomorrow," Erin added,showing Jay her work phone "my unit called the district,so now i guess we'll be working officially together."

A smirk appeared on Jay's face at the thought, "Just like old times."

Erin nodded softly,reciprocating the smile "See you tomorrow or well, in like 4 hours then."

With a final glance, Jay made his way to the door, his mind still reeling from the whirlwind of emotions and revelations that had unfolded throughout the night.