Chapter XVIII

(JayJay)

I sit at the bar of the Four Seasons Hotel, sipping my overpriced 10 glass of water. It's typical Four Seasons; the Isles have always known how to make an entrance.

"Miss Jareau."

The well-dressed woman with an oversized Louis Vuitton bag sits next to me without much ado. Her tone is neither unfriendly nor warm. Opaque, seems the right word.

"Mrs. Isles," I greet her coolly.

We've never particularly liked each other. Although Maura has never said anything like it, I know her parents weren't thrilled about our relationship. Firstly, because I was the first woman Maura had a serious relationship with, and her parents could no longer dismiss her "whim"—as they always called Maura's sexual orientation—as a passing phase. Secondly, I was Maura's student, and our relationship could have cost her her job. Adding to that was my background: as the daughter of a train driver and a housewife, growing up in London's East End, I certainly didn't have the financial or social status Maura's parents would have wanted.

I update Maura's mother on her daughter's health as we drive to the hospital. Maura woke up a week ago, and remarkably, the long-term effects of her brain injury seem minimal.

"Maura told me you're living with her. I assume you're a couple again?" She hisses the word 'couple' in that disdainful tone that makes me want to slap her.

I nod silently. Yes, we live together as a couple. But we're unhappy, driving each other insane. We're desperately trying to rekindle the love we had ten years ago. That natural way of living together, an almost perfect relationship without much effort.

For a long time, I hoped and believed that my love would be enough for both of us. I was smitten with her back then. Our breakup tore my heart apart, and in the years since, I never loved another partner the way I loved her. But now I know even my love has faded. And Maura? She couldn't forget Jane; I saw it in her eyes, her cloudy and sad thoughts. How she threw herself into her work. No matter how often we had sex, no matter how often I assured her of my love, no matter how often she kissed me. Jane always hovered over our relationship like a curse.

It took me two weeks and an evening in a seedy bar with too much alcohol to admit to myself that my relationship with Maura is over.

(Maura)

The icy, distant voice of my mother pulls me out of the light sleep I've just drifted into.

I can hardly believe my eyes. I can't remember the last time my mother made the long trip from Europe to New York to visit me.

"Maman? You, here?"

"Maura Sweetie, you should speak in complete sentences. Your father and I didn't send you to the world's most prestigious schools so you could adopt the grammar of barbarians."

I look down, embarrassed.

Since yesterday, I've been allowed to sit up, and they finally took off that wretched neck brace. Last night, Jane was able to lie next to me on the bed and hold me in her arms for the first time.

My mother's throat-clearing brings me back to the present, reminding me of her earlier reprimand.

"You're right, Mother. I'm sorry."

How does she still manage to make me feel guilty with just a few sentences, even in my thirties?

We chat for a few minutes, making small talk as always. We've never had much to say to each other. I don't doubt my mother loves me, but she has a hard time expressing her feelings.

She looks at her watch: back to business.

"I have to go, sweetie. I have a business meeting. I'll be here for another two weeks, so I'll probably manage to visit you again before I fly back. Let me know if you need anything; here's my assistant's number."

She kisses my cheek and leaves my room as quickly as she entered. I feel like she came purely out of a sense of duty. Her assistant's number? Since when do I need to call her assistent instead of my mother directly?

JayJay enters the room and sits in the chair next to my bed. She has kept her visits as short as possible over the past two days. I can't blame her; on the first morning, I told her that I don't remember a single moment of the past five months and thus have no idea what kind of relationship we had. I could see the pain in her eyes as she briefly recounted a few highlights of our time together. Something about her stories bothered me, maybe the analytical and detached way she told them?

"We arrested a suspect today. He confessed. He was drunk and didn't see your car."

I listen with half an ear. She looks unhappy; the glow that used to define JayJay is gone. I sense that it's not just fatigue and concern for me weighing her down. There's more.

"Were we happy?"

Before I realize what I've said, the words are already out of my mouth.

JayJay looks at me with wide eyes, like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming train. She looks down at her hands and then shakes her head.

"No...no we weren't"

I see her shoulders begin to tremble, and she soon buries her face in her hands.

"Jay… come here." My voice is gentle, and she obeys without hesitation. I hold her comfortingly as she cries her eyes out. I can't hold back a few tears myself.

"I'm sorry…" she murmurs into my shoulder, and I stroke her hair.

"Do you want to tell me why we weren't happy?"

I feel somewhat dissociated. I'm comforting my girlfriend's broken heart, which is broken because of a failed relationship with me.

Before I get lost in this peculiar detail, JayJay tells me the truth about our relationship and about Jane. She talks and talks, nonstop, as if she needs to unburden herself.

"We loved each other so much back then, and I thought we could still love each other just as much. But it didn't work, Maura. No matter how hard we fought, we couldn't make it."

I hold her again and cry with her over the ruins of our relationship. Even though I can't remember anything, I feel this immense sadness and the dissatisfaction that seemed to accompany me, according to JayJay's stories.

(Jane)

It's already past 1 a.m. when I enter Maura's room. I open the curtains, as I do every night for the past three weeks, and step closer to the bed.

I didn't expect the sight that greets me, and I take a few startled steps back. Maura is lying in bed, arm in arm with JayJay. They both look so calm, so content.

I run my hands through my hair in despair. What did I expect? Did I seriously think Maura would end a relationship she can't even remember? With someone she's living with? And then for someone like me? For someone who has to sneak into the hospital every night until her abusive husband is finally convicted? And then what?

How could I have been so foolish?

Quietly, I turn and leave the room as silently as I entered, while silent tears stream down my cheeks.

(Maura)

The soft click of a door closing wakes me, and a deep breath signals Jane's presence. Lavender.

I smile and open my eyes, only to be greeted by the emptiness of my room. Just as I'm about to sit up, I notice JayJay's sleeping form and her arm draped over my waist.

"Shit, shit, shit! Jane? Jane, stay here!"

I call out to her, waking JayJay in the process.

"Maura, what's wrong? Are you in pain?"

"JayJay, Jane was here, but she… I think she thought…"

I gesture between her body and mine, and JayJay slowly realizes how the sight of our sleeping, entwined bodies must have appeared to someone else.

"Wait, what? Jane was here?"

I clear my throat to buy some time and curse myself for this slip-up. I'm not supposed to tell anyone about Jane's visits. Only Josephine, who visited me a few times, knows about them since I owe these nightly sessions with Jane to her.

"Well… yes. She visits me, every night…"

I feel as if I've cheated on JayJay, which, practically speaking, I have.

"You love her, don't you?"

I nod and bite my lip. A single tear escapes and rolls down my cheek.

JayJay kisses my forehead and whispers, barely audible, "I'll bring her back to you."

She gets up and slips into her shoes. I grab her hand and look into her questioning eyes.

"Will you still visit me? I'll miss you."

She squeezes my hand and nods before leaving my room.

(JayJay)

"Detective Danville."

"Jo, it's JayJay. I need your help…"

I hate chasing after someone. But since I don't have Jane's phone number and don't know exactly where she is, I'll have to pull some strings to find her.

It takes less than an hour for me to get Jane's location on my phone, and I turn my car around to head in the right direction.

When I reach my destination, I sit in the car for a moment. What do you even say in this situation? Shrugging and sighing, I get out of the car. I'll let my instincts guide me and see how the conversation unfolds.

I walk into the dimly lit establishment. The music is too loud, the lighting too dark, and it smells of alcohol and cigarettes. I look around for a moment before spotting Jane's thin figure on a stool at the bar. I can already see what Maura sees in her. She's beautiful, tall and slender, her body toned and perfectly proportioned. Her long, wild curls and chocolate-brown eyes give her a mysterious allure, complemented by the sensuality of her dark skin.

Without words, I sit on the stool next to her and order a double whiskey.

"What do you want?"

I hear the resignation in her voice.

"Go to Maura, Jane. We've broken up. She loves you."

"Don't bullshit me, JayJay. I don't need you for that."

She's given up. I reach into my pocket and slam the key to my Audi on the counter, looking her in the eyes.

"Black Audi, first parking spot. Don't mess this up and go, she's waiting for you!"

I turn back to my whiskey and down it in one gulp before ordering another. When I glance to the side again, Jane is gone.

I can feel the alcohol spreading through my tired limbs and decide to get wasted tonight. Just as I'm about to down the second whiskey in one go, I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"That bad?"

I turn too quickly and almost lose my balance. Just as I'm about to fall off the stool, I feel her hands on my hip and shoulder.

"Are you always this energetic?"

Speechless, I shake my head and look into those emerald-green eyes. In that moment, I know I won't be drinking as much as I planned tonight.

"Hi, I'm Arizona, and you are?"

"JayJay… my name is JayJay. Hi, Arizona." I smile and point to the barstool next to me. "Can I buy you a drink, Arizona?"