POV: Johann

This was wrong.

He should not be doing this. He should not be enjoying this.

It was wrong to kiss the Overseer. She was his colleague, his superior. Their relationship was strictly professional. Even when they had grown closer than that, he was careful to keep a boundary between themselves that did not exist with the other valkyries.

It was wrong to kiss Theresa. She was the Overseer. She was already burdened with all the responsibilities her position came with. It was wrong to distract her from them.

It was wrong to love another. His heart still belonged to Kallen. This was wrong. It was wrong to betray her for anyone else.

So why does it feel so right…

Kallen's lips were pressed against his again. They were inexperienced but bold, and he started to lose himself in their softness and warmth. He wanted more, but he could not want more.

Their kiss ended as quickly as it began. He quickly pulled away, disgusted with himself and his loss of control. It was not Kallen with him, but Theresa. Her blue eyes and silver hair were the same, but she was not her.

"Theresa…don't do this…" he choked out, unable to look at her any longer.

Her face was red, but she did not turn away. Her bright blue eyes did not shy away. "I wanted to. It felt like the right thing to do in that moment. It still does. Johann, I've always cared for you. You know that. When you died…it hurt so much. I'd never felt pain and terror like when I could only watch Otto murder you in such a horrible way. Not even when I lost Cecilia and Himeko…I didn't want anything but revenge against Otto. It was the fuel that drove me forward. But when you came back to me, even as an enemy, I was so happy again."

"Theresa…"

"When we made contact with you and we confirmed you were still alive, I was even happier. When you came back to this world, I had to fight to stop myself from crying in front of everyone. When you pushed all of us away, I finally did. I knew what we'd done to you. I knew how much we'd hurt you. And it was my fault because I gave Kiana the order to find a way to bring you back."

"Theresa, it's not your fault…"

"And right when I needed it the most, you started speaking to me again. You agreed to spend time with me and only me. You made me happy, happier than I've been for so long. It's almost like nothing has changed, like we're back in St. Freya or on the Hyperion again, talking about work and life…" Theresa laughed. "I know I might have done something wrong. I don't regret doing this. I don't regret kissing you, and I don't regret how I feel about you, but I know that only you can decide where your heart lies. Johann…please, tell me. Did I do something wrong?"

He did not answer. He did not look at her. Her words tore away at his heart, and it was impossible to decide how he felt about them. Theresa had crossed a boundary that could never be remade. She had taken the first step forward into the unknown, and despite everything, he had willingly taken it with her.

He forced himself to look at her caring face. She showed nothing but pure, innocent love for him as she waited for his answer. Her face, so similar to Kallen's, pained him. It always had the moment he laid eyes on her after he stepped through the portal. Theresa was not Kallen, but she was the closest to Kallen anyone would ever be.

"I know that I'm not Kallen," Theresa said calmly. "I'm her clone, but I'm not her. I've had dreams that must have belonged to Kallen's memories that Otto implanted into me, but they aren't my dreams. My name is Theresa Apocalypse, and I want you to know that I am not trying to replace Kallen in your heart. I couldn't do that if I tried. My feelings are my own, but your feelings matter even more. So, Johann, please, tell me."

Theresa left his side and returned to the seat across from him. There, she waited in silence as he tried and failed to come up with an answer to his feelings.

Theresa…how long have you felt this way for me? Was it after I died? Or did it start long before that, and you only realized it then? Was it the day you sang me Cecilia's lullaby? That day, you…what do I mean to you, Theresa? What do you mean to me?

What Theresa meant to him was obvious. He cared dearly for her and had come to love her as a close friend and comrade. Although he now knew that his feelings could only exist because Otto wanted them to, his love for her would never end. Johann only met Theresa and any of the valkyries because doing so furthered Otto's plans, but whatever the circumstances of their meeting, their feelings for each other would always be real.

Whether Theresa meant even more to him than this was a question much harder for him to answer.

Theresa is so much like Kallen even though she isn't Kallen. Part of Kallen lives on in her. It hurts me.

Theresa was so much like Kallen that Otto had gifted her the very same weapon Kallen had used. The Oath of Judah. Theresa wielded it with as much grace and skill as her ancestor. With his own eyes, he had witnessed both women wield the same weapon. Their movements and skill with the Eleventh Divine Key were nearly the same, both women equal parts graceful and fierce with the golden spears attached to golden chains whirling around them at blinding speeds. Their parallels did not end there. Kallen, strong-willed and determined, let nothing stand in her way. She had lived and died doing what she believed in. So too did Theresa. She had stood up to defy her grandfather, the man who had cast such a large shadow over her. She shied away from no challenge, however slim her odds. The two women were both so strong, so indomitable despite the many things that conspired against them. When Kallen spoke, Theresa said the same words. When Kallen fought, Theresa fought beside her.

Yes, Theresa was alike Kallen, so alike that losing Kallen to reunite with someone so much like Kallen was unbearable to him.

But even more than Kallen, she…she is like her. Like Lilika.

This alone made anything between them impossible. When he looked at Theresa, he saw Lilika's smile. When Theresa laughed, he heard his daughter's joy. When he offered Theresa advice about leading Schicksal, he was teaching Lilika another important lesson for her to remember in her times of need.

Then he remembered Theresa's words, and he knew she was right. Theresa was not Kallen. She was not Lilika, either. She was and had always been Theresa Apocalypse, granddaughter of Otto Apocalypse, S-ranked valkyrie, occasional captain of the Hyperion, leader of the ongoing war against the Honkai, and now the Overseer of Schicksal. She was an accomplished woman in her own right, no matter her background, no matter her origins, and no matter how similar she may be to anyone else. Had he never reunited with Kallen, had he sided with his valkyries against Otto as soon as he gained his body's freedom from his cousin's control, he and Theresa were likely to drift this close together naturally and on their own.

Why is this wrong?

Because she reminds me of them?

She isn't them. She's her own person. She always has been.

Because she's the Overseer who can't be distracted by things like this. She's busy leading over half the world. She has no time for me.

She's making time for me already. Why would this be distracting her? Why would this not help her instead?

Because your heart still belongs to Kallen and her alone. Leaving her and moving across worlds could not change this. You still love Kallen and no one else. You can't give yourself fully to Theresa like she deserves. Remember what you wrote in your last letter to her. You are her husband and Lilika's father forever.

…

Little captain.

Sirin…help me, please…

Look into your heart. Listen to it. Understand who you truly are. Understand what you truly want.

Sirin…I don't know who I am…and I don't know what I want…am I Johann Apocalypse, Overseer, or Johann Stern, captain? I've asked that question myself every day since I stepped through the portal. Now, I feel that I am neither.

You are you and whoever you want to be. Kiana, Theresa, and the others see you no differently. Why should you? Sirin…

"Johann? Are you alright? Do you need me to leave…?"

No. He did not want Theresa to leave him. Nor did he wish to hurt her any more than he already had. Theresa deserved better than a man as weak and as pathetic as him, but her heart had already decided to belong to him.

"It's alright, Theresa. Stay here with me." He stood, walked over to her, and knelt so their faces were level. Theresa waited patiently for him to speak. Her face was slightly apprehensive but also hopeful. He loved that hope.

Thank you, Sirin.

He gently held her hands. He leaned forward again, slowly moving closer to her, carefully looking into her familiar blue eyes. When he kissed her again, he had no more reservations or fear. When Theresa kissed him back, she was passion incarnate. They were together and did not separate for a very long time.

"Theresa, you've done nothing wrong," Johann said softly. "You've made me happy again. You've shown me that I love you, too. I have always loved you. As a colleague. As a friend. As a fellow soldier. And now, like this."

Her smile was bright and beautiful. She had only one question to ask.

"Johann, I'm happy you're here with me right now, I'm happy we've told each other our deepest feelings. So…can you accept the others' feelings for you, too? Can you accept Kiana, Mei, Bronya, and the rest? They all love you as much as I do. I don't want to see them hurt. I don't want to be the only one you're willing to accept…"

He stood back up. Slowly and sadly, he shook his head. "I'm sorry. I…I just can't. I'm not ready."
"Why? You've already accepted me. Why can't you…"

"Theresa…can we talk about this later? I promise…"

She sighed, then she nodded. "Alright. I won't rush you. We should take things slow."

Johann looked back to his table covered in books. He had yet to finish reading most of them, so he picked several of them up.

"Need me to help with those?" Theresa asked.

"Alright. Let's bring these back to my room."

Theresa picked up the rest of the books and helped him check them out of the library before following Johann back to his room. He was glad that they encountered no one they personally recognized along the way. They set the books on his desk.

"Thank you for your help, Theresa. I hope I didn't trouble you."

"It was no problem. Judah weighs way more than a few books."

"Right. A hundred and fifty-three kilograms, if I remember correctly."

Theresa laughed before sitting on his bed. "It's larger and heavier than I am. A lot of people are shocked at how easily I can use it. They quickly learn not to judge me by my appearance. If only the rest of the world could, too."

Johann wished the same. The comments he had seen and heard directed toward Theresa were nothing he would accept. The world would come to accept Theresa as Overseer. He swore it.

"You're welcome to stay here if you want," he told her.

"I don't have any other duties to attend to today, so I guess I will." She glanced at his desk. "I've told you this before, but I'm glad you kept Kiana's scarf and that rose you gave Himeko. It's important to keep things like them safe."

"Yes. It is." Apart from this, he was unwilling to discuss the two items further. He opened The Known Histories of the Previous Era and resumed reading where he left off.

…The Previous Era may have united as one civilization, the book read, but its newfound unity was not so easily maintained. Some nations, remembering their former sovereignty, attempted to regain their former power. This continued for multiple decades before the last war, after which the Previous Era never fought amongst itself again. From then on, its only and final enemy was the Honkai…

He could barely finish the page. His mind would not allow him to.

"Theresa."

"Yes, Johann?"

"Could I ask when you started to love me? Truly love me like you do now?"

"Sit with me," she asked.

He sat down beside her on the bed.

"I couldn't tell you the exact point when I started to feel this way about you," Theresa began. "But I know that you've always treated me fairly. You've always treated me for who I was, not what I looked like. You never treated me like a child like so many others do. You accepted me as your colleague from the moment we met, and you never spoke down to me. But let me confess something. The day Himeko was in the hospital, when I sang you Cecilia's lullaby and we fell asleep together on the bench…I kissed you. I didn't know why. I hoped you didn't realize it, and I never brought it up. I pretended it never happened."

He remembered now. He had fallen asleep in his grief and woke to find Theresa asleep on top of him. He remembered the feeling on his lips. They were slightly wet. He had thought little of it at the time. His concern for Himeko was too great.

"Maybe it was after the Herrscher of the Void," Theresa continued. "We both mourned Himeko and Kiana. We grew closer to each other in our grief, so much closer. Maybe it was when you called me to tell me that Kiana was coming home to us after spending months with you in Soukai CIty. I was so happy that you could help her heal. But, after thinking about this, I know exactly when I realized I loved you." She reached over and held his hands in her own. "It was when you died. When Otto killed you on the Hyperion as I watched and couldn't do anything to save you. That's when I knew what I'd lost. I didn't know what I'd lost until I lost you."

He gently squeezed her hand to reassure her. "I'm here now, Theresa. I'm okay."

She sighed. "Are you? Johann. Listen to me. You won't be okay, not entirely, until you can accept everything and everyone again, not just me."

"I can't. Not this soon."

"Why? Can you tell me when?"

He groaned. "It's too much. Too much at once. I have to do this slowly. I may feel comfortable and safe with you, Theresa, and I do want to feel this way again with the others…but I'm not ready to love more than one person at a time again. I was faithful to Kallen for an entire decade. I devoted myself to her and no one else except our daughter. I'm not sure if I can change the way I view love. Maybe I will be able to again one day, but not now. Not yet."

She reached up and patted his head. "I understand. Let's take this slowly, just like you said. I want to help you. Could you at least tell the others how you're feeling about them? Could you tell them about us? I don't want us to keep secrets that don't need to stay secrets."

"Alright, Theresa. I can at least do that."

"Let's go together. We aren't a secret. Let's not hide what we have from anyone."

Johann nodded. He was prepared to be judged by others for what he had with her, but he did not care. He stood from the bed, followed by her. "Before we go, let me say something."

"Anything."

He reached down and ran a hand through Theresa's silver hair. "Theresa, I love you."

Theresa smiled. She gently pulled him down and gave him another soft kiss, then she led him by the hand.