The second Morgan let go of his hand outside the hospital Reid felt like he had entered a whirlwind. He had been led in by the Sergeant, his 'situation' on the bridge had been discussed and he had been handed over to the hospital staff for admission. The whole evening was a blur. After the tidal wave of emotions had hit him, he'd once again gone numb. There were what felt like hundreds of questions, many of which he didn't have the energy to answer. They had stripped him of his watch, belt, shoes and coat for safety reasons. Reid found it ironic that he had been able to carry a government issue firearm since the age of 23 but suddenly now he couldn't be trusted with shoelaces. But it was what it was. Nothing made sense anymore. This was as close to being in prison as Reid thought he would ever experience.
Once the admissions paperwork was done, he was shown around and given the induction to the ward. Every door he went through locked behind him. There was no freedom of movement. Even the bedroom doors had locks so patients couldn't move around during the night. The whole thing made him wish that he'd actually jumped. Anything had to be better than this.
There was a strict regime:
7am - 8am - Breakfast
9am - 10am – Therapy
11. 12.30pm – Lunch
12.30pm – 2pm – Group Trauma Therapy
2pm – 3.30pm – Recreational Activities / Visiting Hours
3.30pm – 4pm – Therapy
5pm – 6pm – Evening Meal
6.30pm – 8pm - Visiting Hours
Reid had groaned when he'd seen the amount of therapy required in a day. He could have cried all over again. 3 hours a day sounded like hell. By the time they had taken him through everything, he was more than a little overwhelmed. It was a very daunting prospect. He tried to remember Morgan's words: "You need to let yourself open up if you want to get out of there. Okay?" As much as he didn't want to, he knew Morgan was right. Unless he wanted to remain in there forever. Which would be nothing short of death for him.
Eventually they showed him to his room and allowed him to get some sleep. He didn't sleep well at all. The second the door locked, he was restless. He felt trapped, he just wanted to push it open and go for a walk. It was far too reminiscent of the basement Jason had kept him in. His control had once again been taken away and he hated it.
After hours of lying awake and fidgeting, his mind had drifted to Morgan and his big cosy house, the library he had designed for him and the lovely comfortable bedroom that he always kept so nice. He thought about Morgan bringing him a coffee in the morning, always with a smile on his face, even if he didn't feel like smiling, the jokes he would make if he thought he looked a bit down and the hugs that were so readily available whenever something bad happened. He looked around the dingy, locked room that was now his home for however long they decided to keep him. He cursed himself for being so stupid, selfish and cruel. And he cried himself to sleep.
Reid awoke in the unfamiliar room with a groan. His head was splitting from a migraine. He looked around and instantly it hit him where he was. His awareness was a lot clearer than it had been the night before. Everything had felt like a bad dream. But this was no dream. He was in a psychiatric hospital, locked in, just like his mother.
His head went back to the bridge. He put his head in his hands as he cringed at the thought of all of the emergency workers being dragged to the scene just for him. And Rossi and Hotch spending their evening talking him down and then holding him like a crying toddler. One thing was for sure, they would never look at him the same again. He thought about the note he had left for Morgan and how dramatic it must have seemed. He cringed. He'd written a suicide note but he was still here. He couldn't even do that right. He didn't know what had stopped him. It certainly wasn't a desire to keep going. But maybe he was afraid of death. For some reason he just couldn't let go of that railing no matter how much he told himself he wanted to. Perhaps it was a cry for help. He didn't know. All he knew right now was that he wished he was still at home with Morgan and he'd never argued with him yesterday.
He curled up into a ball on his side and wrapped his arms around his knees. He thought about the things he'd said to Morgan about Buford and he hated himself. He couldn't believe he had been so cruel. It made him want to go back to the bridge all over again. Morgan really didn't deserve that. He would probably never talk to him about it again and he'd only just gained the confidence to open up. Reid kicked himself for being so selfish. He'd done so many stupid things in the last few days, but none more stupid than that.
He felt tears creeping down his face again. After nearly two weeks of not a single tear, now he couldn't stop crying. What the hell was going on with his emotions? He was all over the place. A loud knock on the door came and he jumped, wiping his face quickly, he sat up.
"Morning, Spencer!" Came a bright voice from the door. He turned to see a young female nurse smiling back at him. "It's nice to meet you. I'm Olivia and I'm one of the nurses who will be taking care of you."
Reid gave a small smile. "Hi."
"Are you okay? You look upset." She said, moving into the room, noticing the tear tracks on his face. He looked more than upset, he looked dreadful. But she was used to that.
Reid nodded, the kindness in her face made him look away as more tears broke free. He put his hand up to his face to shield himself.
"Hey." She pulled up a chair next to his bed. "I know you don't want to be here. But I promise, we will do everything we can to help you get better so you can go home. Okay?" She smiled gently. Something about the softness in her voice made him break down. He sat forward putting his eyes into his hands as he cried.
"I'm sorry." He wiped at his eyes again. "I can't seem to stop." He said pathetically.
"That's okay. You've had a bad night. It's understandable." She didn't know his background, but she knew about the suicide attempt and that his care plan had placed him on the severe trauma pathway. All of his therapies were designed to deal with PTSD and trauma which was not entirely common. A lot of patients had ongoing mental health conditions that also required treatment. Patients like Reid always hit her hardest. Mental illness was a horrible thing regardless, but when someone was here purely because of trauma, it was upsetting.
"More like a bad five months." He said, wiping his face again and putting his head back into his hands.
"Would you like to talk about it?" She asked softly. Reid sighed and shook his head.
"I just want to go home."
"I know." She smiled sadly. She met many patients in her line of work, but something about Reid was making her heart ache. He looked so sad and lost.
"I've been so stupid." He said sadly. "So, so stupid." He shook his head.
"It's okay." Olivia said comfortingly, putting a hand to his arm. He pulled it away and then she noticed the word carved into his forearm. She furrowed her brows a little. "You have your first therapy session this morning." She said with a smile. "It will help, I promise."
Reid just scoffed and rubbed his hands in his hair and across his face; A sign of his stress.
Olivia relented, seeing she wasn't going to get much out of him. "Come on, Spencer. It's breakfast now. Why don't you come and get something to eat?"
He shook his head. "I'm not hungry." He lay back down onto his side and curled up again.
"How about I bring it here for you? What if I just bring you some toast and a coffee?" He closed his eyes and nodded reluctantly. He really didn't want to engage in any of this. But the offer of a coffee piqued his interest.
"Okay, I'll be right back."
9am arrived and Spencer was sat in a small room opposite a middle-aged woman with glasses. His foot tapped nervously as she thumbed through his file on her lap.
"Good morning, Spencer. My name is Dr. Wilson, but you can call me Pippa. I will be working with you during your morning therapy sessions. My background is in trauma with a specialisation in PTSD."
Spencer sat with his hands tightly squashed between his knees. He was looking better than he had earlier in the morning. Olivia had managed to encourage him to eat a piece of toast and have a wash. She also gave him some pain killers for his migraine. Between the analgesics and the steamy shower, his migraine was beginning to subside somewhat.
Pippa talked him through the usual confidentiality conditions and how the 5150 worked. He was currently under a 72 hour assessment phase where at the end they would either decide to keep him for further inpatient treatment or discharge him with an outpatient care plan. Reid nodded throughout to affirm his understanding. His eyes were sad and his body language deflated. Pleased he understood everything, she continued into the session.
"How are you feeling today, Spencer?" She asked.
"I'm okay." He nodded again.
"I understand you were brought in last night after attempting to take your own life?"
He closed his eyes and nodded again.
"Do you think you intended to take your life, Spencer?"
Reid's eyebrows furrowed a little and he looked down. "I- I don't know."
She sat forwards a little. "You don't know?"
Getting a little frustrated with himself he scrubbed at his eyebrow. "I didn't want to be here anymore. But when I got there I just didn't do it."
"And why do you think that was?"
"I don't know." He rubbed his eyes now. "Because I'm a coward I guess."
"Why would that make you a coward?"
Reid huffed. "I'd been thinking about it since I came out of the hospital and when it came to it I couldn't do it."
She sat back a little. "Do you think you didn't really want to die?"
"I don't want to live." Reid said sadly. "But I couldn't die either. So where does that leave me?"
"You don't want to live...Are you still thinking about hurting yourself?"
Reid shook his head. "No." He said certainly. The thought of putting people through that again was too much to bear.
Pippa smiled. "Okay, well that's good." She wrote some notes down into his file. "Would you like to talk about what drove you to feeling that way?"
Reid looked at her and then to the thick file on her lap, then turned away laughing sardonically. "What? It's not in there?"
Pippa shifted a little, gripping the file. "I do have your medical records in here, if that's what you mean."
"Well I'm sure that tells you what you need to know then." Reid was shutting her out. He couldn't help it.
"Spencer, the idea of therapy is not for me to read your medical records and give you guidance. It's an opportunity for you to be able to talk about what has happened to you and how you feel about it."
"Well I took myself to a bridge last night, so I guess that's how I feel about it." He said coldly.
Pippa put down her pen and clasped her hands together. "Spencer. I know this is really difficult for you and I'm not going to force you to talk about anything you don't want to talk about. But talking through what happened to you really is the best way of dealing with the trauma."
Reid just shook his head and put his hands over his ears in a childlike manner. He was getting overwhelmed again.
"Spencer?" She tried to get his attention but he just ignored her. His eyes were squeezed shut.
"Spencer? Is there anything else you would like to talk about? It can be anything. Something you enjoy doing? A hobby? Or a good book you read recently?" She was trying anything to get him to open up at all. She leaned in a little to see if she could find his eyes but they were firmly shut.
They sat like that for a full minute. Pippa just waiting for him to respond and Reid tucked away into his own little comfort cave.
"Okay." She said gently with a small sigh. "How about we leave this for now." She knew she'd lost him. She also now knew she was possibly dealing with someone with autism. This could potentially make things more difficult. She was not confident in her next words, but the sessions were not an option. "You have group therapy at 12.30. It might make you feel better to hear other people opening up. It's a trauma group, so they have all experienced something painful and it might help to hear some of their stories." She said kindly. "Okay?" Reid didn't respond but she saw a shudder run down his spine. Her jaw tightened a little. Patients like Reid could be very difficult because often times they don't realise how much the trauma is affecting them. It was clear that his mind was intact. He wasn't psychotic, delusional or disorganised in his thinking. He thought he was making rational decisions and would likely justify them til he was blue in the face. The coping mechanisms he had learnt would be hard to unlearn if they were the only way he had managed to survive this far, but they would also be what would kill him eventually if she didn't manage to break through them. Sighing a little, she stood. "Come on Spencer, I'll show you back to your room."
Once Reid was back in his room, he climbed straight onto the bed, threw the covers over his head and covered his ears. He just wanted to melt away.
12.30 had come and Reid sat in the group therapy circle feeling incredibly self-conscious and nervous. His hands would not stop shaking. He had tried his absolute best to get out of it, but he was informed under no uncertain terms that if he was not following the care plan then the chances of discharge at the 72 hour mark were highly unlikely. Considering that his only aim was to get home, skipping the group therapy seemed counterintuitive.
As he looked around, it was clear that the majority of the people in the room either knew each other or had at least met before. He suspected some of them were longer term patients who were more than accustomed to this every day routine.
Susan, the group therapist was waiting at the door for everyone to arrive. Once the final patient entered, a large male nurse followed and closed the door behind him. Reid assumed that would be yet another locked door. All of these locked doors made him incredibly anxious.
He looked around the room at the various faces. There were both men and women ranging from around 20 to 60 years old. The youngest was a female who clearly had multiple self harm scars all over her arms which she seemed more than comfortable to have on display. The oldest was another woman with wiry grey hair, glasses and a sensible cardigan. If Morgan was there he would probably joke that she dressed like Reid. Her arms were wrapped tightly around herself for comfort. Reid found himself mirroring the posture. Something about seeing all these other traumatised people did bring a little comfort. He didn't feel quite so alone.
Susan sat down in the circle.
"Hi everyone. Welcome to our session. We have two new members to the group today." She gestured to Reid and a woman across the circle from him. "So could we please go around the circle and introduce ourselves. I'm Susan. I'm one of the trauma therapists and I run this session daily. So for the length of your stay here you will be seeing me everyday." She smiled at them both and then gestured to her left for the next person to introduce themselves.
"I'm Kevin.. Kev, I'm 28. I've been in here for two weeks. This is my third stay here." As it moved around the room, Reid began to realise that most of these people had stayed here multiple times. The 20 year old Tiffany was the most frequent visitor with a total of six stays. Finally the introductions reached him. He cleared his throat nervously.
"I'm Spencer." He gave a little wave. "I'm 29. This is my uh, first time." He nodded anxiously, not really sure what else to add.
"Welcome, Spencer." The group parroted back. Two more people introduced themselves and then it arrived back with Susan.
"Okay, so how this group usually works, especially when we have some new members, we will start with an icebreaker exercise. Then we will have a sharing portion where we can share whatever is bothering us, why we're here, whatever we want to talk about. Then we will work on some coping exercises to help with some of the issues that have been raised as part of the sharing portion. Not every session will run the same but that is the structure for today. Is that okay?" She looked to Reid and the other new member, Kristen. They both nodded. Reid really felt like he was under a magnifying glass. The sharing portion sounded like a nightmare. He knew how group therapy tended to work from his drug support groups, but it didn't mean he enjoyed them. They were a necessary evil. He'd give anything to be in the privacy of his room right now.
"Okay, so the icebreaker today will be two truths and a lie. So you have to tell us two truths about yourself and one lie and we have to guess which one is the lie." Some of them groaned, Tiffany clapped. She obviously enjoyed this game. "So I will give you two minutes to think of your truths and lie and then we will start."
Reid looked around the group. This felt so stupid. He knew logically what the theory was behind this sort of activity, but in practise, he was skeptical. Did anyone in this room really care what was true or a lie about him? The two minutes seemed to go really quickly and suddenly Kev was speaking his three statements.
"I play the piano. I have a pet iguana. I am double jointed." Reid looked at him. The group seemed to agree that the iguana was probably the lie but Reid shook his head.
"You disagree, Spencer?" He looked at Susan in surprise. The head shake had been an unconscious thing. His mouth dropped open.
"Um." He tucked his hair behind his ear. "I thought the piano." He said quietly, holding his hand up. "The hands don't look dextrous enough." Kev smirked.
"Hmm, interesting observation." Susan said. Reid cringed at the slight patronisation in her voice. He really hated stuff like this. "So which one was the lie?"
Kev smiled. "Spencer is right." He said, waving his fingers around. The group laughed. Reid gave a small smile.
They discussed Kev's iguana for a while and kept moving around the group, Reid made sure to keep quiet now not to draw attention to himself. Although he had correctly guessed 8 out of 9 of the lies in his head. Finally it landed on him.
"Erm. I have 3 PhDs. I have a dog called Sagan. I am an FBI Agent."
"Oooh, interesting." Tiffany said, leaning forward. "The dog must be true." She said confidently. They all nodded in agreement.
"He looks smart." Another male called Stuart chipped in. "I think the PhDs could be true."
"So the FBI agent is a lie?" Susan asked for agreement from the group. They all laughed.
"Definitely!" Tiffany said confidently. Clearly unable to believe with the rest of the group that the man they were looking at would be an agent.
"Okay, Spencer. Reveal." Susan smiled.
"The dog is the lie."
"Bullshit!" Tiffany called out in surprise. The rest of the group laughed.
Reid gave a tight lipped smile and nodded.
"So three PhDs?" Susan asked with admiration.
"Yeah, Chemistry, Mathematics and Engineering. I also have BAs in Psychology, Sociology and Philosophy."
"Woah. You're like Rain Man." Kev said with a laugh. Reid smiled, tucking his hair behind his ear again.
"What's it like being an FBI agent?" Kristen asked enthusiastically.
Reid's smile dropped when he thought about what it had resulted in over recent months. "It's okay." Now he regretted using that as one of his facts.
"Just okay?" Tiffany exclaimed. "It must be more interesting than that!" She pushed.
Reid felt himself getting tongue tied and panic built up in his throat. He opened his mouth to speak but only a heavy breath came out, he was going pale.
Sensing that was a topic to be moved on from, Susan quickly diverted the group's attention to the next person. Reid closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, relieved the attention was now off him.
Once the exercise was finished they entered the 'sharing' part of the session. Reid had to admit, he did feel a little more comfortable thanks to the icebreaker. Everyone seemed to have loosened up a little during it.
"So is there anyone who would like to share something with the group today?"
Tiffany was the first to lift her hand.
"Okay Tiffany. Feel free to share."
"I have been having nightmares where I am stuck in a boat on the ocean and no one is there. I don't know how to sail and there is no one to help me. Then the boat gets a hole and starts to sink. I always wake up just before I go under the water."
"How does the dream make you feel?"
"Really scared. Because I know I'm going to drown but there's nothing I can do about it. I know it's to do with my Father."
Susan's brows furrowed. Reid listened intently. "What makes you say that?" Susan asked gently.
"Well, for those of you who don't know," she looked pointedly to Reid and Kristen, "my Father used to rape me from the age of 8 to 10. Since then I was taken into care and I have been a self harmer.' She showed her scars on her arms. "I have also attempted suicide 10 times." Spencer looked at her through sad eyes. "I think this dream is just a reflection of how I feel about myself and how hopeless life is."
"And why do you feel life is hopeless?"
"Well look at me, I'm never going to be normal am I?" She said with a slight laugh. "I'm in here for my sixth time. I'm covered in scars." Reid's gaze dropped. "Life is hopeless." She shrugged.
"There is always hope, Tiffany. We're here to work through these feelings of hopelessness. I'm sure everyone in the group has felt like that at some point in their life." They all nodded. Reid just kept his gaze on the floor. Tiffany and Susan kept up their back and forth for around ten minutes before it concluded with a promise from Susan to do some exercises on dealing with negative thinking.
"Okay, so who would like to share next?" Kristen sheepishly raised her hand. "Kristen! Our newbie, what would you like to share with the group?" Reid internally winced. He had hoped he might find some silent solidarity with the fellow new member, but she seemed keen to open up. That meant he was unlikely to avoid it too.
"Well, I guess I should say why I'm here. I have been struggling for a while with PTSD after a car accident. I was driving and a truck pulled out in front of me. My best friend, Shona was in the passenger seat. She died instantly. She went right through the windshield." Her eyes welled up with tears. "I have had PTSD since. I just feel so guilty. Things got a bit too much for me this week and I was thinking of, um, harming myself. So I have been sent here for assessment."
"Thank you so much for sharing that, Kristen. How do you feel about being here?"
"Okay. I'm nervous. But hopefully it will help. It did last time." She said with a small smile.
Susan continued talking with Kristen for a short while then moved around the group. With each person that spoke, Reid could feel the butterflies building in his stomach and chest. Each person that spoke was one person closer to him having to speak. It was making him feel sick.
Numerous stories were given to the group, one woman had been in a house fire and lost her husband. Another man had lost his child in a drowning incident. Kev had experienced the same as Tiffany and was struggling with childhood sexual abuse. Two women had been raped and the oldest wiry haired woman had experienced domestic abuse at the hands of her partner, leaving her mentally broken. Reid had started to zone out part way through, looking around the room at all of the traumatised people. He couldn't help but feel sad. Life really wasn't fair sometimes.
"Spencer?" He jumped a little at Susan's voice calling him. "Is there anything you would like to share with the group today?"
He looked at her wide eyed and shook his head silently.
"Spencer, you are in a safe space here. If we want to get better we have to start opening up." She said with a knowing smile. There was that patronising voice again.
"Come on, you can do it." Kev said encouragingly. This was starting to feel like some cheesy scene from a movie. Reid rubbed his eyebrow awkwardly and groaned a little.
"Rip it off, Spencer! Like a bandaid!" Tiffany clapped her hands with enthusiasm and a couple of the other participants nodded and clapped in support.
"Okay, don't pressure him, Tiffany." Susan said carefully. She obviously could be a little too much sometimes.
Reid glanced around the room. The faces all appeared supportive, but the embarrassment was overwhelming. How could he tell these people what happened to him? What would they think of him afterwards?
"Do you think you can do it, Spencer?" Susan asked gently.
His stomach clenched. He knew that if he didn't do it now, he wouldn't do it at all. A large portion of the people in the room were there because they had suffered sexual abuse in one way or another. They wouldn't be judgemental, would they?
"Okay." His voice was breathless and his hands were shaking horribly. He took a couple of deep breaths and looked down to his fidgeting hands. He cleared his throat nervously. "Erm, well, why I'm here... erm... 4 months and 17 days ago I was held captive by someone I thought was a friend. Jason. He... he raped and tortured me over two days, well two and a half." He laughed a little bit. "Then he brought his friend in, 'Steve'." he mimicked speech marks with his fingers in his lap. "He also raped me. Jason cut his throat as he was doing it. I managed to stab Jason in the neck and killed him." Some of the mouths in the room dropped open. "I was found and I was doing okay. I actually managed to get back to work and things seemed to be getting better." His fidgeting increased. "Erm, then I found out 'Steve' was actually the brother of the head of a trafficking ring the FBI was tracking. So in revenge for his death four of them turned up at my apartment, beat me," he gestured to his bruises, "and had sex.." He closed his eyes, stopping himself. "Erm, gang raped me." He whispered and swallowed. "So, erm... I guess I'm here because I ended up on a bridge last night wanting to throw myself off it." He said with a small smile and an unhealthy laugh. An obvious attempt to lighten the mood. This was the first time he had referred to the events in his apartment as 'rape'. It made him feel lightheaded. Somehow it was easier to ignore when he didn't look at it that way. It hit him like a freight train. He breathed out and closed his eyes. A huge shiver ran through his body then he looked up gingerly.
The room was completely silent. They all just stared at him, Susan included. They looked horrified. He would have given anything for the ground to swallow him up at that moment. He had definitely overshared. Then Tiffany started laughing. His breathing started to pick up now.
"Jeez, it's not a competition." She laughed again. The group looked at her in shock. Reid looked mortified, his cheeks flushing completely.
"Tiffany!" Susan said quickly, a hint of disgust in her voice. Tiffany sat back in her chair and looked at Susan as if to say 'what?' She clearly hadn't meant it in the way it had come out. It was a very poor attempt at lightening the mood. Much like Reid's little laugh had been. "Thank you for sharing, Spencer. That must have been incredibly difficult." Susan responded finally.
Reid could feel hot, white panic crawling up his spine and his chest tightened. He had to get away from their prying eyes, their judgemental stares, the laughter. Why did he have to say all that? He felt so stupid, they thought he was a freak. He suddenly was out of his chair and heading towards the door.
He pulled on the door but it was locked. His breathing was coming thick and fast and he pulled on it harder, making it rattle loudly. Everyone was watching him. He had to get out, get out, get out.
"Spencer? Spencer? Calm down." Susan had followed him to the door along with a large male nurse.
"I want to leave. Let me out. Let me out." He said through panicked breaths. He banged on the door.
"I can't do that, Spencer. You need to calm down. Take some deep breaths."
Another male nurse was now heading towards the door, having heard the commotion. He was still pulling frantically at the handle. The rest of the group were just watching him in silence. Tiffany sat covering her mouth in shame.
"Breathe with me, Spencer." Susan tried.
"Please, please, let me out." He begged. Being locked in was causing his panic levels to increase furiously. It took him back to the basement and the hole in the ground.
"Spencer, breathe." Susan tried to pry his hands away from the door handle. The next moment the door opened and the large nurse entered the room while the other approached Reid from behind. Spencer tried to push past him but his way was blocked. He kept trying to get past the large nurse, shoving and pushing.
"Let me go, just let me out." He shouted in full blown fight or flight. His body had chosen flight.
"Spencer, you need to calm down or we will have to sedate you." One of the nurses said. Reid's hand accidentally caught the nurse in the cheek.
"Restrain him." Susan said, shaking her head, nervous that someone would be injured.
The two nurses moved in and placed an arm under each armpit, resting the back of their hand on his shoulder and pulled each arm out to the side with the other. Then they tipped him back and took him down to the floor.
Reid's mind had flipped fully into a flashback now, triggered by the lack of control he had in this situation. All he could see and feel now was his apartment and being lifted away into the bedroom by his arms and slammed onto the bed. He kicked out furiously.
"Please, don't! I can't do this, please."
"Spencer, you are safe. You're in the hospital." Susan said firmly. He kicked out at her, unable to reach due to the firm hands around his arms.
"Morgan, help me! Please, help me!" Reid was crying now, tears rolling down his face. The next moment Pippa was entering the room with a syringe followed by two nurses with a stretcher.
"Okay, Spencer, we're going to give you a sedative so you can rest." Pippa injected the sedative into his shoulder and the next moment Reid's eyelids were drooping slightly but he was still fighting.
"No, stop." His voice was slightly weaker now. His body was shaking and he kept kicking his legs out trying to catch the nurses who were holding him. "Please." He kept begging.
"It's okay, Spencer. You've had a sedative, once it takes effect you'll be able to rest." Pippa turned to the nurses. "Let's get him back to his room" All four nurses rolled him onto his side and slid the stretcher underneath him, strapping him tightly to it making his panic worse. His mind was lodged in his apartment and almost everything they were doing was triggering the memories more. Tears were streaming down his face and he kept shaking his head as they moved him.
"Please don't do this. Please." He begged.
"Spencer, it's okay. You are safe with us." The larger of the two nurses spoke reassuringly.
They finally reached his bedroom, as they freed him from the stretcher and he felt a bed underneath him, his struggles picked up anew, a fresh wave of panic hit his body. He kicked out catching one of the nurses in the shoulder and he tried to scramble away but was pulled back by the nurse on the other side of the bed. He was fighting as hard as he had in his bedroom that day. The doctor called out for more assistance and soon he was surrounded by four nurses again.
"We'll need to restrain him until the sedative takes effect." They attempted to secure him using a six point restraint system which looped around his shoulders and secured his waist keeping his hands at either side. His ankles would also be secured to the bed. This only served to worsen his panic. He fought them madly at they tried to strap him down.
"Oh god, no. Please don't, Jason please! Please stop." He pulled madly at the hands and arms trying to restrain him.
"It's making him worse." Olivia said with concern as she wrestled with his wrist. One of the large male nurses then grabbed it and pushed it down onto the bed allowing the young nurse to fasten the straps around it.
"The sedative will kick in shortly." Pippa reassured.
"This is cruel." She said sadly as she watched him hyperventilate and sob on the bed begging someone they couldn't see to set him free.
"It's for his own safety... and ours." Pippa said, looking to the nurse who had been kicked in the shoulder.
Olivia held onto one of Reid's hands and stroked it gently with her thumb.
"Spencer, everything is okay. You are safe. You are safe." She kept talking to him gently and comfortingly. Eventually she felt him squeezing her hand and she gave a small smile.
Pippa remained in the room to monitor the sedative for signs if respiratory depression. After 10 minutes of constant struggling, sobbing and calling out, Reid's eyes were starting to close and his movements were becoming more laboured. He was whimpering and shudders ran through his body as the sedative took effect. He was clearly still stuck in a flashback. Olivia then moved to stroke his head.
"Go to sleep, Spencer. Shhh... go to sleep." She couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Perhaps it was the fact that she was relatively new to the job and hadn't yet been hardened by the everyday practices of a psychiatric hospital, or maybe it was the brief conversation she'd had with him in the morning that had softened her to him. But she certainly had a different attitude to the other staff members. All she knew was that he was suffering and she didn't like to see it.
She stayed with him until his body finally settled, the shivering and whimpers stopped and he drifted off into a peaceful sleep.
Morgan and JJ arrived at the hospital for 2pm visiting hours. They stood at the locked door of the ward waiting to be buzzed in.
"I hate to think that Spence is locked in here." JJ said shaking her head. Morgan gave her a sympathetic smile.
"I know. Hopefully he'll be home soon."
A female with glasses approached the door and opened it to greet them.
"Are you here for visiting?" They were not familiar to her so she knew they must be for one of the new admissions.
"Yes, Derek and Jennifer. Here to see Spencer Reid."
"Ah." The woman looked a little unsure. Morgan's brows furrowed at the response. "Come with me." She said, leading them through into an office.
Morgan and JJ exchanged worried glances.
"Is everything okay?" JJ asked, the concern lacing her voice.
"Take a seat." She directed them to the chairs in front of her desk. "I'm Dr. Wilson. I'm part of Spencer's care team whilst he is here. I'm a Psychiatrist specialising in trauma and PTSD."
"That's good." Morgan nodded, reassured that he had the right professionals working with him.
"There has been a bit of an incident today with Spencer. He was in the group therapy session and from what I understand he shared what had happened to him and then had a panic attack that evolved into a severe flashback." Morgan closed his eyes and nodded. "You have seen this behaviour before?" She asked him curiously.
"Yeah." Morgan said sadly. "They can be bad. He's not had a severe one for quite a while though."
"Well I think it was triggered by sharing with the group. He was trying to escape. He hit out at our nurses also."
JJ covered her mouth. "Oh Spence."
"He has been sedated and we had to restrain him." She said carefully.
"Restrain him? What does that involve?" Morgan asked, he frowned, not sure he was going to like the answer to this.
"We used what is called a 6 point restraint which keeps his limbs strapped to the bed. It's perfectly safe." She reassured, noting his concern. "We only use it in cases where a patient is being violent and where there is a fear they might hurt themselves."
Morgan felt the blood leaving his face. "You strapped him to the bed?"
"Only as a precaution. They will be removed as soon as we know he is awake and his mental condition is stable again."
JJ shook her head. "You can't do that."
"I'm sorry, but we can when deemed necessary for the patient's safety and the safety of others." Pippa said firmly.
"Let me guess, he didn't respond well to the restraints?" Morgan asked, rolling his eyes.
"No. But patients rarely do. They are usually already in a highly emotional state by the time we come to that decision, so it very rarely is well received."
"Or it could be something to do with the fact that when he was raped and tortured the guy took great pleasure in strapping him down to the bed while he did it." Morgan spat.
Pippa's face paled somewhat. "I didn't know that. Was that Jason?"
JJ put her head in her hand. "Yes."
Pippa nodded, understanding washed over her.
"This is a nightmare." Morgan shook his head. "He's supposed to be in here to get better and you're just traumatising him more."
"I can assure you, they will be removed before he wakes up."
"I should hope so." Morgan said angrily. "Unless you want to keep him stuck in flashbacks for the duration of his time here. I mean, how stupid can you get?"
"Morgan." JJ warned. She felt equally as irritated but she knew insulting the staff taking care of him was not the way to go about it. Horror stories from psychiatric wards were well known and while she hoped that Reid was in a good one, you would never know until you were a patient there. The last thing she wanted to do was potentially make things worse for him. The online reviews of the place were okay, but there had been some disturbing stories regarding the treatment of patients at times.
Pippa looked at him. "You're Morgan?"
"Yeah, why?" He said curiously.
"He has been calling out for you." She said with a small smile.
Morgan's eyebrows twitched as his eyes stung with tears. JJ's hand went to his knee and squeezed supportively.
"Can we see him?" JJ asked hopefully.
"Yes, but as I have said, he has been sedated, just enough to calm him down, but he has been asleep since."
"Okay." Morgan nodded.
"I'll show you to his room." Pippa stood and led them out of the room. They walked up the corridor. The place was miserable. It was dark and dingy and clearly hadn't been renovated in many years. They walked past what appeared to be some sort of day room where patients seemed to be doing a painting activity. JJ shot a look at Morgan. This really wasn't Reid. A couple of the patients were in their rooms with other visitors.
"Tiffany. What are you doing? Get away from there." Pippa said firmly to a young woman who was stood outside a room peering in. She jumped a little and backed away. Her eyes then fixing on Morgan and JJ.
"Sorry. I was just checking on him." She said sheepishly.
"He doesn't need you gawping in at him." Tiffany nodded and moved away from the room and up the corridor. "Are you FBI agents?" She asked, her gaze still fixed on JJ and Morgan.
Morgan cocked an eyebrow at her. "Yeah, kid."
She smiled and nodded, rushing back up the corridor now.
"Sorry about that." Pippa said. "She can be a bit nosey."
They moved to follow her. It turned out the room Tiffany was staring into was Reid's. When they entered the room, there was a young nurse standing over the bed and holding his hand. Reid's arms and legs were strapped down to the bed with a strap across his waist and his shoulders were firmly fixed flat to the mattress. He was clearly having a bad dream, he was whimpering and his hands were twisting in the restraints.
JJ's hand went up to her mouth and she gasped. Morgan's eyes filled with tears. He moved straight to the side of the bed.
"He's having a bad dream." Olivia said quietly. She clearly looked upset. Word had gotten round now about what had been said in the therapy session. That was the only problem with group therapy, whilst the counsellor was bound by confidentiality, the patients were not.
"You have to take these off him." Morgan said. "They're only going to make him worse."
Pippa looked unsurely between Morgan and her patient. She was clearly reluctant.
Reid moaned and whimpered, turning his head from side to side. Morgan moved to his side and took his hand.
"Reid, it's Morgan. I'm here, kid." He stroked his head. Morgan could feel his hand pulling against the restraints, he moaned in his sleep and his brows furrowed. He looked to Pippa. "Please. Take these off him. I will keep him calm."
Pippa looked to Reid and then nodded. She called in two nurses to assist. They undid the leg restraints first then moved to the wrists and the waist. Morgan held his hand the whole time.
When they went to roll him to get the restraints from underneath him and from around his shoulders, he came round, his eyes snapping open.
"Get off me!" He tried pushing himself back and removing his hand from Morgan's. Morgan put himself in front of Reid's face, his eyes looked glazed. The sedative was clearly still very much in his system. The nurses stopped their movements to allow Morgan to speak with him.
"Reid." He put a hand to his face. "Can you see me? I'm here, kid."
Reid froze up and looked at Morgan through scared eyes. "Morgan?" He asked in a shaky voice.
Pippa was surprised to see how quickly he calmed down upon seeing his friend's face.
"Yeah, it's me. It's me. The nurses just need to move you for a second. Okay? Can you roll over this way for me?" Reid nodded grabbing his shirt and allowing Morgan to roll him over while the nurses pulled the restraints out from underneath him. "That's it. Perfect." He pushed him back once the nurses gave him the nod. Reid was still pulling on his shirt. "Okay, you can let go now." He prized his fingers away from his shirt and placed his hand back on the bed.
Reid lay back into his pillow, his eyes slipping closed. "I'm so glad you're here" He breathed out.
"Me too, kid." He shot a look to Pippa. "JJ is here too."
"Hey Spence." She said quietly.
A small smile graced Reid's lips and he opened his heavily lidded eyes. "JJ" he whispered. She smiled and leaned over to give him a kiss on his forehead.
"It's so good to see you." It wasn't. He looked terrible and completely out of it. She couldn't believe this was the same Spencer Reid that would show up at her door on a Sunday afternoon with a bright smile, coffee in hand complete with gifts for Henry. It seemed like a lifetime ago since she had seen him like that. Right now, she was looking at a severely unwell person. And it made her sick that it had been done to him by other people.
Noticing the change in her demeanour, Morgan put a hand to her shoulder. "You okay?" Her eyes welled up and she nodded with a tight smile. "I know." He said in understanding.
The nurses had all left the room now. Pippa was still stood in the doorway.
"You obviously bring him a lot of comfort." She said to Morgan.
Morgan nodded. "He's stayed with me since it first happened so I have a pretty good idea of what works and what doesn't."
"Morgan?" Reid said quietly, squeezing his hand.
"Yeah?" Morgan answered gently, leaning down to hear him better. He tried to sit up but the sedative was doing a number on his coordination. "Hey, hey. Stay where you are." Morgan put a gentle hand to his shoulder.
"I want to go home. Please take me home." A tear crept out from his eye.
JJ turned away from the bed and looked to Pippa, shaking her head sadly.
"I can't, kid. Not just yet. I promise, you will be home soon."
"I don't like it here." His face crumpled up as he began to cry.
Morgan rested his forehead against Reid's and stroked his hair. "I know. I know. But they are going to help you to feel better." Reid just shook his head slowly. "You have to talk to them, Reid. Let them help you." He said gently.
"I did." He said with a shuddering breath in. "They laughed." He whispered.
Morgan's head flicked up to the doctor, anger was in his eyes. She shook her head. "From what I understand, one patient made an unwise comment, trying to be funny. She was told straight away that it wasn't appropriate."
"So that's what caused this?" JJ looked irritated now.
Morgan moved away from Reid and took the doctor outside the room and spoke quietly.
"This is supposed to be a safe space for him to be able to talk about what's been done to him. And you're putting him in a group setting where people can just laugh at him? How the hell is he supposed to get better if he's made to feel stupid when he opens up? He'll probably shutdown now for god's sake." Morgan's frustration was clear.
"It was my fault." Came a small voice from behind Pippa. They both turned to find Tiffany stood there looking extremely guilty. "I was just in shock after what he said happened to him and I make stupid jokes to fill uncomfortable silences. I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to upset him or make him feel bad."
Morgan's eyes flashed angrily at her. "How would you like it if someone did that to you when you're opening up?"
"I'm really sorry. It will never happen again. This is all my fault." A tear ran down her cheek.
Morgan was going to agree with her, his anger about to get the better of him. But then he spotted all of the self-harm scars on her arms. He stopped himself. He looked back into the room at JJ holding Reid's hand and talking to him quietly. He took a breath, regaining his composure, then sighed. He couldn't let this young woman put any guilt onto herself, knowing what it might cause her to do. Even if what she had done was insensitive and stupid.
"Don't blame yourself. You didn't do this to him. Just, try to be a bit more sensitive. Okay?"
She nodded. "Can I talk to him?"
"I don't think that's a good idea right now." Pippa said quickly. "Go on Tiffany. Go back to your room now." She turned back to Morgan. "It wasn't an intentional thing. But I know it hasn't helped."
Morgan rolled his eyes. "Hasn't helped." He scoffed. He went back into the room to hear JJ talking quietly to Reid.
"Henry really misses his Uncle Spence." Reid smiled in return.
"I miss him too." He slurred.
"He pulled a quarter out of my ear the other day. He was so proud. Told me you showed him how to do it." She smiled, looking to Morgan, a tear running down her face. She remembered when he had taught him that. It was only a couple of weeks before Jason happened.
"Henry, Henry! Come here!"
Reid was on his knees putting his arms out to Henry. He ran towards his godfather and threw himself against him. He wrapped his arms tightly around Reid and gave him a firm hug. Reid made a pained noise as he pretended he couldn't breathe and fell backwards onto the floor taking Henry with him. The little boy laughed loudly.
"Uncle Spencer is silly!"
"Yes, Uncle Spencer is very silly." JJ agreed, rolling her eyes with a smile. Will laughed, shaking his head.
Reid suddenly sat up putting Henry back on his feet.
"Uncle Spencer might be silly. But at least he doesn't carry quarters in his ears." He put his hand to Henry's ear and produced a quarter. "Now that's a really weird place to keep your money, Henry." The little boy laughed again, thoroughly enjoying the trick.
He put his hands to his ears. "I don't have money in my ears!" He shouted, almost scandalised.
"Well where do these keep coming from?" Reid asked, producing one coin after another, a huge smile on his face.
"Stop it!" Henry giggled.
"Shall I check Mommy's ears?" Reid smiled at JJ. She grinned back at him. "Come here, Mommy." He produced a dollar from JJ's ear. She laughed and Henry clapped loudly, giggling. "Oh Mommy's even weirder." He grabbed Henry by the waist and shook him in excitement. "She keeps dollars in her ears!" He said in a funny voice. The little boy laughed loudly.
"Uncle Spencer!"
"Yes, Henry?" Reid said in feigned seriousness. Henry grabbed his hand opening it up to look at the coins and the note curiously. "Do you want me to put them back?"
Henry quickly covered his ears again.
"Nooo!" He laughed.
"Shall I make them go away?" Reid said, a grin on his face. Henry smiled and nodded enthusiastically. Reid held out his hand full of coins, closed his palm and turned it over. " Okay, give it three taps." He gestured to his hand. Henry slapped his hand three times. "Ow! Ow! Ow!" He yelped dramatically. Henry laughed again. "Okay, we have to be really quiet now." He said in a whisper. Henry stared at his hand in fascination, his mouth dropping open in anticipation. JJ watched them both with a smile plastered across her face. Reid suddenly opened his palm to the floor and flipped his hand over. All of coins were gone.
Henry gasped. Reid smiled in delight at the expression on his face.
"Wooow, Henry! Where have they gone?" JJ said in feigned fascination.
"That's impressive." Will gave a small round of applause.
Reid shot him a quick smirk. Henry was looking all over for the coins.
"Hey, Henry. Do you want me to show you how to do it?" Reid asked excitedly.
"Yeah!" Henry shouted in return.
"Come on then. We'll have to go into another room." He eyed JJ and Will. "A magician never reveals his secrets."
"Aw, come on!" Will held his hands out, clearly keen to see how it was done. JJ just shook her head again.
She looked between the pair of them and rolled her eyes again. "Sometimes I'm sure I'm the only adult in this house."
Reid had spent an hour with Henry that afternoon. By the time he had finished, Henry had learned how to do it and was very pleased with himself. He did it over and over again that evening.
JJ smiled at the memory, remembering how bright Reid's smile had been and how healthy he looked. She gazed down to Reid in the bed in front of her taking in his current appearance then broke down.
Morgan put his hand across the bed to her, stroking her upper arm. She excused herself from the room when Reid blinked his heavy eyes at her and furrowed his brow.
"JJ?" He called out quietly.
"She's okay, Reid. She'll be back in a minute." He stroked his head. Reid just nodded lazily, rubbing a clumsy hand across his eye. Morgan frowned at his friend. He hated seeing him out of it like this. It wasn't quite what he had in mind when he came in to see him today. He'd hoped that even if Reid had been unhappy, he at least would have been responsive and they would have had some success in getting him to talk. Not just strapped him down and knocked him out the second he had a flashback. It made him angry. He would rather him be at home with him than have him stuck here surrounded by people he didn't know and couldn't trust. If they weren't going to actually help him, he'd rather him be somewhere comfortable than get stuck in the system. Looking at him right now, there was no way they would be letting him out after 72 hours.
Morgan looked down to see that Reid had fallen asleep again. He spent the rest of the visit stroking his head and talking quietly with JJ until they were told it was time to leave. He was limited to one visit a day whilst going through his assessment period. It took Morgan a while to let go of his hand but JJ eventually managed to prize him away, promising they would come back as soon as 2pm hit the next day. She didn't want to leave him either, but they had no choice. There wasn't a single thing that was fair about any of it.
Reid awoke with a start. There was a gentle hand tapping on his shoulder. He opened his eyes, sitting up quickly. His last coherent memory was of being in the group therapy session and trying to escape the room. He knew something bad had happened and he could remember being in his apartment with Bill, Alan and Ellis and also Jason strapping him down. He shook those memories from his head. He looked down at his hands and legs moving them around and had some vague memory of them being restricted. He furrowed his brows. He seemed to remember voices... Morgan's voice? No. It wouldn't have been Morgan.
"Spencer?" A soft voice came from right next to him and he jumped, turning to look for the source. He found a young woman staring right at him. A lump formed in his throat and his cheeks flushed as he realised she was the one who had laughed at him earlier. "Hi, Spencer." She said, a look of guilt in her expression. "Has the sedative worn off now?" She asked with a shy smile. Reid furrowed his brows. Sedative? He blinked a couple of times. That explained why his last memories are so hazy. He nodded.
"Why are you here?" He asked, giving her a skeptical look, as though she was just going to make fun of him again.
"I wanted to say I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to upset you. I wasn't laughing at you." Reid shook his head, turning away. "Really, I wasn't! I made a stupid joke because I do that when I'm uncomfortable."
Reid tightened his lips. "I'm sorry I made you so uncomfortable." He said coldly.
"No, it wasn't you! It's just what you said was such a shock. It sounded so horrible and everyone went quiet, I felt really awkward and I made a joke. Because that's what I do with awkward silences. I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to make you feel like a joke. What you went through-."
"Please, just go." Reid said, turning his face away, closing his eyes tightly.
"Spencer, I-"
A nurse popped her head round the door. "Tiffany! What are you doing in here? Out!"
She started, looking at the nurse with a nervous look. "I was just-"
"You know you're not supposed to enter other people's rooms. Out." The nurse was an older woman. Around 55, she was confident and stern. Tiffany huffed and left the room, looking at the woman sheepishly, she stopped at the door frame.
"I really am sorry. I hope you will share again." She said sadly. Then quickly skulked away down the corridor before the nurse could say anything else to her.
The nurse looked to Reid. "Are you okay?" She asked, tilting her head. Reid nodded, not opening his eyes. She moved into the room. "Would you like something to eat? It's meal time."
Reid just turned onto his side and pulled the cover over his head.
The nurse moved forward and pulled the sheet back. "Answer me when I'm talking to you." She said firmly.
Reid looked up at her with unsure eyes. "Sit up." She ordered. When he didn't move she grabbed him by the wrist and pulled it away from his chest. "Sit up." She reiterated, tugging on his arm.
Reid shifted to sit up, following her direction.
"You're coming to eat with the other patients." She said sternly. "You're not staying locked up in here forever."
Reid shook his head and his voice broke. "I don't want to."
"Well I don't want to be here wasting my time with you, but here I am." She bent down, putting his hospital slippers on his feet. "Come on. Up."
Reid blinked at her in shock at her attitude. He found himself following her command and soon he was stood at the side of the bed, swaying a little with the after effects of the sedative.
She grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him out of the room and up the corridor. He followed in something of a daze. He was led towards a small dining area filled with other patients. He stopped dead at the doorway desperate not to enter. He could see some of the faces from the group therapy session and really couldn't face them. His face flushed red and his chest fluttered again.
"What's the problem?" The nurse asked harshly.
"I- I don't want to." He said nervously.
She rolled her eyes impatiently. "You need to eat. You look like a scarecrow." She clearly didn't have the bedside manner of some of the other nurses. Her hand was still wrapped around his wrist and she put her other hand to his back, pushing him into the room.
Some of the patients and other nurses spotted her forcing him into the room and looked away. Clearly not willing to interfere. She pushed him towards a chair near to Kev from the session earlier. "Sit." His lip quivered a little. She pulled the chair out when he didn't make a move and grabbed him by the shoulder pushing him down into the chair.
He sucked in a breath through his teeth as her hand made contact with the bite mark on his shoulder. He winced, flinching away from her.
"What's the matter?" She asked, pulling at his top to reveal his bite mark to half the dining room. She clicked her tongue at it and then let go. She then left the room to go and get him some food.
Reid's hands were shaking. Once again, he felt completely shown up. His hand went to his shoulder and he sat forward, wanting to curl up again.
Kev leaned towards him speaking quietly. "Don't take it personally. She's a bitch." Reid's eyes flashed towards him through his hair. "She likes to think she runs the place. She's one of the bad ones. Thankfully there's not that many of them here but when she's on shift, it's best to stay out of her way."
"I didn't really get much choice." Reid said quietly, his voice shaking.
"You don't with her. Follow the routine and you'll fly under her radar." Reid just nodded, feeling very exposed and embarrassed once again. "She seems to take great pleasure in showing people up. Especially the new ones. She likes to display her authority. I don't know why she even became a nurse if she hates patients so much."
Reid looked down to his fidgeting hands. "Thanks for the heads up."
Suddenly a plate was slammed down in front of him and he jumped a little. It was chicken with vegetables in some kind of white, goopy sauce, complete with potatoes. It did not look appetising. Reid's face paled. She put the plastic cutlery down next to it.
"Eat." She said firmly and walked away.
Reid's brows furrowed as he looked at the plate of food in front of him. He hadn't eaten anything substantial in nearly two weeks and he still didn't feel hungry.
"You need to eat." Kev said gently. "You're going to make yourself ill if you're not careful. They will force feed you if they need to." He said, having noticed how thin Reid was. "I did the same thing for a long time. I nearly died... don't let them win, Spencer." He said firmly.
Reid's eyebrows twitched and he looked up at Kev. Reid remembered what he had said from the meeting. He had suffered sexual abuse as a child at the hands of his stepfather and had ignored it for many years until he started having breakdowns in his 20's. He was now 28, had overcome anorexia and was suffering from severe depression and a personality disorder. It was strange to think that this man was only a year younger and had already been through so much. It was also odd to think that 6 months ago there would never have been a chance of them both being in the same room, yet now, here he was locked in a facility with him being given advice on eating. Reid huffed a little as he thought about how life can be completely flipped on its head.
Don't let them win, Spencer.
He blinked a couple of times at his plate and his stomach growled. His body was clearly in need of the sustenance but his mind was blocking him. He felt permanently queasy. If he thought too hard about it, he knew why.
Breathe through your nose.
He took a sudden sharp breath, feeling bile rise up. He put the back of his hand to his mouth.
"You alright?" Kev asked, moving a little closer. "Just take some deep breaths, Spencer."
He couldn't look at the food any longer. He pushed it away from him. Kev just sighed and went back to his meal. He had hoped he might get through to him. Reid suddenly stood and took himself out of the room leaving his dinner behind on the table.
He raced up the corridor and went straight to the bathroom and locked the door behind him, feeling waves of nausea overwhelming him. He knelt next to the toilet as the bile rose up his throat. Coughing and gagging, he brought up what little food was in his stomach. His eyes streamed with tears. He collapsed against the wall once he was finished and closed his eyes. He breathed heavily for a minute as his stomach settled. He was so frustrated with himself. He wished all of this would stop. He had tried to avoid this for the last two weeks by pushing down his emotions but it was fast catching up with him. He didn't know if he had the energy to go through all of this again.
He felt a sob building up in his throat, he tried to swallow it back but it escaped and he broke down crying.
After around five minutes a knock on the door came.
"Spencer?" It was Susan. He recognised her voice. "Are you in there?"
Reid wiped his eyes. "Please, just leave me alone." He should have known that everyone would know where he was. There were cameras everywhere.
"I can't do that, Spencer. I need to check that you are okay. Can you open the door please?"
Reid sighed, he just wanted some space. He wanted to be home and away from all these strange people who seemed to think they had right to interfere in his life. He'd always been so fiercely independent, even as a child. He'd always dealt with his emotions by himself, privately. It was hard enough letting Morgan and the team in during these last few months, but this felt impossible. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to talk to them. He didn't want to be treated like he was mentally ill.
"Spencer?" He heard the lock turn as she let herself into the bathroom. Of course they wouldn't have total privacy, even in the bathroom. Reid huffed and wrapped his arms around his knees, putting his head down. "I'm sorry, Spencer. I have to make sure you are okay." She stood leaning against the doorframe. "Do you think we could have a little chat?"
"I don't want to talk to any of you." Reid said through gritted teeth. "Why can't you all just leave me alone?"
"Because we can't do that, Spencer. You're here under a 5150 hold, which means we have to assess you and make sure you-"
"I know what a 5150 is." He snapped. Still not bringing his head up.
"If you know, then you will know it's best not to fight it. If you engage with the programme it can help you to get better."
Reid looked up now. "What? And you think locking me up in here is helping? Taking away my choices, my autonomy? Giving me no privacy? Is that really what you think is going to help me? Forcing me to do stuff that I don't want to do is going to help is it?" He laughed cynically. "Well, I guess that's been the story of my life for the last few months, so it may as well keep going that way!"
"I understand." Susan said gently.
"No, no I really don't think you do." Reid shook his head and dropped his head back down. "Please, just leave me alone." His voice broke. Susan sighed heavily.
"I'm so sorry, but I can't. At least let me take you back to your room. You don't have to talk to me, but I can't leave you here."
"So I don't even get a choice how long I stay in the bathroom?" He said stroppily. He knew he was being difficult, but he couldn't help himself. This whole situation was just too much for him. Too overwhelming. There were too many people, too many rules, too much bad lighting, too many restrictions, too much, too many, too much.
"We need to know you are safe." She said firmly. "Please, just come with me back to your room."
"No." He said simply.
She sighed again. "Spencer. If you don't come out of here then I will have to have you physically removed. And you don't want that, do you?"
He stared hard at the wall. He was sick of being told what to do by people. Sick of being given no choice.
"Try it." He said challengingly. "I've had enough." He snapped.
She knelt down to get more on his level.
"Enough of what, Spencer?"
"Being pushed around and told what to do and... made to do things." His eyes welled up. She nodded in understanding.
"How about I sit here with you for a while then, until you are ready to go back?" She said, sliding down onto the floor near the door.
Reid just dropped his head back down, hiding himself again. They both sat in silence for about ten minutes. Susan just sat with him, not pressuring him to talk. She was realising that the abuse he had suffered had completely stripped him of any control. This wasn't uncommon but his reaction was intense. He clearly wasn't irrational or aggressive, he was just in pain and needed a lot of patience.
"I'm sorry." Reid said quietly. Susan looked at him. He was still hiding his face.
"Why are you sorry?" She asked gently.
"I am finding this hard." He took a deep shuddering breath.
Susan nodded in understanding. "What is it you are finding hard, Spencer?"
"Everything." He finally lifted his head, resting it against the wall.
"What is the hardest thing for you?" His hands came up to rub in his hair.
"This is just too much. There's too much pressure."
"Pressure?" She asked.
"To talk. I can't even think about what happened. Why would I want to talk about it?" He said, squeezing his eyes shut as tears escaped his eyes.
"You had therapy after... the first incident. Is that right?" Reid nodded in response, wiping at his face. "Did you find it helpful?"
Reid sighed. "It helped. But it was a waste of time." He rested his forehead on his hand.
"Why do you say that?" She asked curiously.
"Well look where I am now. What good has it done?"
"You said in the group session that you were doing well and you managed to get back to work. Which is impressive, considering what you went through." Susan said with a smile. She was trying her best to be encouraging.
"So impressive that I'm locked in a Psychiatric ward." He said cynically.
"I think anyone who has been through what you went through and then was attacked again would be struggling, Spencer."
Reid's face crumpled. "I worked so hard and it was all for nothing."
She breathed in, understanding hit her. He had spent a lot of energy trying to get better after his first attack and he was finally doing better, then it was all ripped away from him again. It was hardly surprising that he was reluctant to go through it all again.
"Spencer, I understand it's difficult to feel like you are starting all over again."
"I don't think I can do this again." He sobbed now.
"Spencer, you can. You can do this. You have done it before and you can do it again." She said encouragingly. She didn't want to pressure him but she did want him to understand that she believed in him.
"It's not the same. I don't feel the same anymore. I don't know who I'm trying to get back."
"You are still in there, Spencer. You are suffering from trauma. It's not uncommon for people to feel detached from themselves and who they were before the traumatic event."
Reid nodded sadly and then took a deep breath as though his next words were extremely difficult to say. "M-my body doesn't feel like it's mine anymore." He shook his head in denial. "I hate it." He sobbed. "I hate me." He whispered, tipping his head back into his arms and crying.
Susan's frowned. "Spencer? Would you like to go back to your room and have a lie down?" This was not the sort of conversation that should happen on a bathroom floor. This needed a therapy session. She decided she would start early to take his personal session in the morning in order to pick this up. Consistency and familiarity seemed to be what he needed.
Reid nodded into his arms.
"Okay." She stood up and looked down on him. "Come on." She said gently.
He unwrapped his shaky arms from around his knees and tried pushing himself up but he seemed completely exhausted.
She put her hand out towards him and he grabbed it. She really needed to get him to eat something. She pulled him up to standing. His hair flopped down in front of his tear streaked face. He wobbled as he stood.
"Take my arm, Spencer." She offered him her elbow and he grabbed onto it firmly, letting her guide him back to his room.
She helped him sit down on his bed. He seemed almost disorientated. His emotions were clearly overwhelming him. The second he hit the mattress he collapsed onto his side and tucked himself up into a ball, his limbs were shaking. That seemed to be his go to move to feel secure.
Susan grabbed the sheet and put it over him. "Do you mind if I take your session in the morning? " She asked softly. "We can continue our conversation."
He closed his eyes and took a breath. "Okay." He answered quietly.
She smiled. "Get some rest, Spencer. I will see you in the morning."
As she left the room she heard a small voice.
"Thank you."
She smiled again.
A little bit of progress.