Morgan looked out the kitchen window and saw Reid sitting on the bench in the garden. He appeared deep in thought. Pouring a coffee, Morgan headed outside.
Sitting down next to Reid he sighed as the warm sun hit his face.
"Nice day." He commented casually, holding the mug out to his friend.
"Thanks." Reid took it and looked at Morgan seeing he was wearing a light jacket. "You're going out?" He appeared on edge about it.
"Yeah." Morgan looked at him curiously. He had been out a few times in the last two weeks in preparation for his return to work and Reid had been fine. "Is that alright? I won't be long, was just gonna get some food in."
Reid shifted awkwardly as if he wanted to say something.
"What is it, Reid?"
He quickly shook his head and looked away, his cheeks flushing a little.
"Oh, nothing."
Morgan furrowed his brows in concern. He had thought Reid was making great progress with being left alone. Perhaps this was a set back.
"You want me to stay here?" Morgan asked kindly. He would, if Reid needed him to.
Reid chanced a glance at Morgan, feeling incredibly self-conscious.
"No, I… uh… wanted to come with you." He said, shyly.
Morgan appeared dumbstruck for a few moments, then a huge smile landed on his face.
"You wanna come out?" This was the first time Reid would have been out of the house since he left the hospital a month ago.
"Yeah – only if you don't mind." Reid didn't sound confident about it, but that was to be expected. The fact that he wanted to try was a good sign.
"Reid, why would I mind?" Morgan smiled. "I'd be more than glad of the company. What do you wanna do?"
"Um, I was thinking, we could go to Meridian Park?"
"Where's that?"
Reid looked at Morgan hard.
"It's your local park. It has a small botanical garden."
Morgan scoffed.
"I didn't even know it was there. How do you know more about my local park than I do?"
"I read." He said simply. As if it was obvious. "It's two minutes away from your front door, Morgan. You really need to get out more."
"I need to get out more? I'm not the one reading about local parks." He laughed.
"I probably travel more in a week through reading than you do in an entire year in person."
Morgan raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, okay kid."
"This week alone I have been to Egypt, Mongolia, Kazakhstan, Germany, South Korea… and your local park."
Morgan nudged him with his shoulder.
"Reading is not the same as visiting, Reid."
He shrugged in response.
"It's all still in here." He tapped his head. "Plus, there's no chance of me catching any exotic illnesses, getting food poisoning or being murdered by angry natives. So I see that as a win." He gave a lopsided smile.
Morgan grinned back at him.
"Okay, you win…. Drink up and we'll go."
It had taken nearly fifteen minutes for Reid to get the confidence to go out to the car. On Reid's assurance that it was something he really wanted to do, Morgan had patiently taken the time to wait with him until he was ready. He could almost see an imaginary bungee cord around Reid's waist pulling him back every time he moved towards the door.
The preparation had involved a lot of breathing exercises, grounding and reassurances that he was just going to the park, he was safe and Morgan would be there with him the whole time.
It took a further thirty minutes to get him to leave the car, especially once he had seen all of the people enjoying the mild weather.
Logic deserted him for a period and everyone was dangerous. No one was to be trusted and everyone in that park knew what had happened to him and every man would want to do it again.
Morgan had nearly taken him home when the colour drained out of his face and he was convinced he was going to pass out.
Somehow, Reid had managed to calm himself enough to eventually open the door and slide unsurely out of the car.
Morgan couldn't have been more proud. This was a huge step for Reid and the obstacles in his own mind he had to overcome to achieve it were nothing short of gargantuan.
Now they were quietly taking a slow walk around the park. Reid's arms were wrapped tightly around him in a self-soothing gesture.
Morgan noted that he constantly glanced over his shoulder at regular intervals and would jump at the slightest unexpected obstacle such as a cyclist coming up behind him or a person walking that bit too close to him.
"You okay?" He asked quietly.
Reid's focus was on a man who was walking towards them and didn't seem to be moving out of the way. He quickly dodged him, knocking slightly into Morgan as he did.
"Sorry. What?" He looked behind him to watch the man go and distractedly brought his eyes back to Morgan.
"Is it a bit too busy for you?" Morgan put a hand to his back to try and keep Reid's focus on him.
"Sorry, I guess I'm just a bit overwhelmed." Reid said sheepishly.
Spotting a bench, Morgan gestured to it.
"Come on, let's sit down for a minute."
Reid took a deep breath as he sat down and closed his eyes. Morgan noticed his hands tightly gripped the bench. This was something he had been taught by the Bureau psychologist to 'ground' himself when he was feeling an oncoming flashback or panic attack. It was meant to give him something to focus on that would help him to remain connected with the 'real' world.
Morgan had used the technique with him fairly regularly, often telling him to feel something in front of him, feel the textures, the shape, describe it to him and more often than not, it would work. But it was by no means a sure fire way of bringing him back. Sometimes the memories were just too powerful. He hoped this wasn't going to be one of those times.
"Reid?" Morgan prodded gently.
He opened his eyes.
"Yeah, I'm okay." He said quickly. Knowing why Morgan was checking on him.
"Okay, kid. I'm right here if you need me."
Another thing that Reid had taken to was using Morgan's hand as a 'grounding' tool. It had come about during the first week of him being home. He had unexpectedly gone through a particularly tactile phase where physical closeness was sometimes the only thing that could comfort him. Morgan had spoken to the counsellor about it as it was such an out of character behaviour. He had been reassured that whilst not entirely typical, it was likely that Reid's lifelong associations with physical touch had been largely unpleasant and his mind was unconsciously trying to replace the negative associations with positive.
Morgan was okay to assist with that, at first finding it a little uncomfortable. He allowed Reid to fall asleep on his shoulder, hug him and hold his hand whenever he felt inclined to do so. The other members of the team also got a taste, with Reid falling asleep with his head in JJ's lap one afternoon and Rossi's shoulder becoming a comforting pillow whenever he came over.
The team were mostly bemused at first, aside from Garcia, who revelled in it. But Morgan could see that there was a warmth that spread through them when Reid's affection came their way. He had seen the usually distant and hyper-macho David Rossi mould his arms around his younger colleague and kiss his head more than once. That is something he would never forget. Even Hotch had warmed up and the glistening eyes that he would attempt to hide were plain to see.
The tactile phase lasted around two weeks, when Reid was at his most tired. Once the nightmares had calmed down somewhat and he was able to get a half decent night's sleep, he reverted back to his usual distant and insular routine. Even stroking Reid's head was out of the question now. When Morgan had read some of the statement Reid had given, he understood why. It seemed to be one of Jason's favourite and most patronising moves. But the one thing that lingered on was holding Morgan's hand.
He supposed that it came from the sheer amount of times he had used hand holding as a way of reminding Reid of where he was. He liked to imagine his hand reaching in through the images in Reid's mind and plucking him out. He also liked to think that's how Reid saw it too. Perhaps he did, as he hadn't put a stop to it.
Morgan put his open palm out flat on the bench, nudging Reid's thigh and as expected, Reid grabbed it.
They sat in silence for a few minutes while Reid took deep breaths trying to stop his shaky vision and the waves of adrenaline that were coursing up his back and into his chest.
Suddenly a group of teenage boys passed by.
Loud laughter rang out and a chorus of jeers and taunts were thrown their way.
"Get a room!"
"Is that your twink?!" One shouted to Morgan laughing.
"HOMOS!"
Reid's eyes shot open and his face immediately flushed upon seeing the teenagers all staring at them with laughter in their eyes. He wrenched his hand away from Morgan's and quickly stood, rushing away from their taunts.
"Aw, looks like you've upset him!"
They all laughed again.
Morgan instantly stood and displayed a threatening stance towards them.
The teenagers took it for the warning it was and backed off.
"Hey man, we were just messin'!" One of them said innocently, holding his hands up.
Morgan didn't have time to say anything before his mind was back to Reid, seeing he was erratically weaving through people trying to make his way back to the car. It was clear that he wasn't going to manage it, his feet were slowly bringing him to an unsteady stand still. A lady approached him, obviously trying to help.
Morgan raced to catch up with him, by the time he did, Reid looked lost in panic. The kind lady was trying to talk to Reid, asking if he was okay and if he needed help. He wasn't responding to her. He was starting to draw strange looks from people now as they passed by.
"Reid?" Morgan called, coming to his side.
"Is he your friend?" The lady asked.
"Yeah, he is." Morgan answered, his breathing a little panicked now too.
"He doesn't look very well." She said, concerned.
"He'll be fine. Thank you." Morgan responded gratefully, but trying to get her to move on.
"Do you want me to call an ambulance?" She asked again.
Feeling a pang of irritation, Morgan pulled out his badge.
"I'm FBI ma'am, please let me handle this and be on your way."
On seeing the badge her eyes opened wide and she backed off.
"Thank you." Morgan reiterated. He didn't like making her feel bad, but swarming him wasn't going to help.
He turned his attention back to his friend who seemed to be in something of a daze.
"Reid?" Morgan put a hand on his shoulder and Reid spun round to face him.
"Don't touch me!" He spat, shoving Morgan hard, his eyes started glistening with tears.
Taken aback by the venom in his reaction, Morgan froze for a moment, allowing Reid the opportunity to take off again.
Morgan followed, watching as Reid behaved like he was making his way through mud. Eventually he came to stop, bending over and putting his hand on to a tree for support as his panic took over.
Being careful not to touch him, Morgan knelt by his side.
"Reid, just breathe. Take some deep breaths."
"I want to go home." He choked out between breaths.
"We need to get you to the car. Do you think you can make it?"
Reid nodded frantically.
"Okay, I'm going to take your arm and we're gonna go, okay?"
He cautiously took Reid by the bicep and tugged a little to guide him in the direction he wanted to go. To his relief, Reid followed. His coordination was all over the place, almost appearing drunk. Wherever his energy had gone to, it was no longer in his limbs. He stumbled many times as they were walking.
"Get me home, get me home." Reid kept repeating, completely oblivious to the curious stares he was garnering.
Finally reaching the car, Morgan opened the door and Reid practically crawled in then slammed the door shut behind him, nearly catching Morgan's hand in the process.
"Jesus, kid." Morgan huffed out.
They drove back home in silence. Reid was clearly disappointed in himself and Morgan was lost in a state of mental self-flagellation for not putting a stop to the trip out when Reid wouldn't get out of the car.
Once home, Morgan got Reid settled on the couch and made him a coffee. He sat down in the chair and put the TV on. Neither mentioned what had happened when they were out.
Reid appeared deep in thought. After half an hour he turned to Morgan.
"Do you think I'm homosexual?" He asked insecurely.
Morgan was completely caught off guard.
"What?" He asked, his eyebrows lifting in surprise.
Reid repeated the question.
"Do you think I'm homosexual?" He eyes looked so confused and concerned, it pained Morgan.
"Because of what those kids said in the park?"
"No, I just…" He didn't know how to finish that sentence.
"Well, uh, I don't know, Reid. Are you?" Morgan asked, unsure of how to respond.
His eyebrows furrowed and he looked away.
"I – I don't know. I never thought I was, but-" He cut himself off.
Morgan took a second to consider his answer.
"Put it this way, I've always known you to be straight. You've never shown an interest in guys in that way, as far as I know…. But it's okay if you are." He added carefully.
"I always considered myself to be heterosexual." Reid said, sounding very unsure of himself.
Not really understanding what this was, Morgan tried digging a little deeper.
"Well, do you find yourself being attracted to men?"
"I don't think so." He whispered.
Morgan furrowed his brows.
"Reid, what is this?"
"I've never had sex with a woman." He said, his cheeks flushing a little.
Morgan's eyes closed. The realisation hit him like a truck.
"And now you're questioning your sexuality because of what happened to you?"
"I've had sex with more men than women." Reid said sadly.
Anger bubbled Morgan's veins.
"You didn't 'have sex' Reid, you were raped. There is a huge difference between choosing someone as a partner and having it forced on you."
Reid's lip twitched.
"But I've never chosen a woman either."
"And is that because you thought you'd rather do it with a man?" His tone was gentle and extremely careful.
Reid considered this for a few moments.
"No." He said thoughtfully.
"There you go." Morgan said, as if that settled it.
Reid still looked like something was bothering him. He shifted uncomfortably as if he was going to say something and then stopped himself.
"Reid, what is it?"
Closing his eyes, Reid shook his head insecurely.
"You know you can tell me anything, kid." Morgan leaned forward in support.
"It's just….." He trailed off, seemingly unable to finish the sentence.
"It's just, what Reid?" Morgan continued encouragingly.
"I…um" He gestured downwards as if to mimic it rather than having to use the words. Morgan was clearly not getting his reference. "I…. ejaculated." He cringed as he said it and wrapped his arms around his midsection, crossing his legs.
Morgan looked at him for a few seconds as sympathy overwhelmed him. He knew how this dilemma felt, having experienced some pleasure during his own experience of abuse.
The words hung in the air as Morgan tried to find the right way to proceed.
"That doesn't mean anything, Reid."
"Well I clearly enjoyed it." He said desperately.
"No, Reid, no. You know better than this, the physical reactions your body has don't mean anything in a situation like that."
"It happened more than once." He whispered, full of shame.
"Yeah, because he wanted it to. He took great pleasure in torturing you, Reid. And that was just another way of doing it."
"But I didn't have to react to it."
"You didn't. Your body did. He knew your body would react that way and he used it to weaken you. It was all about control, Reid. He knew that if he could get your body to react it would break you down mentally. That's all it ever was."
Reid nodded a little, concern still marring his features.
"He told me I wanted it. Maybe if that hadn't happened he'd have stopped."
Morgan rolled his eyes, not quite believing how illogical Reid was sounding at this moment.
"It was never about what you wanted. He didn't care what you wanted. If he did, he'd have stopped before it ever got that far. He took what he wanted, regardless of how you felt and if you suffered in the process, then that was all the better for him." He said callously. "He was a sexual sadist, Reid. A sexual sadist. You know these guys, you know how they work. They take what they want and give pain in return. There was nothing you could have done to change the outcome."
Reid closed his eyes and nodded, biting his bottom lip.
"And that does not mean you are gay. If you look at a man and are attracted to him, then okay, you probably are – Does that describe you?"
Reid seemed to think for a moment, then shook his head.
"Then there you go. What he did to you changes nothing. You're still you."
Reid didn't say anything and still appeared deep in thought. Morgan moved next to him to draw his attention.
"Look Reid, sex is about being with someone you feel comfortable with. I know I enjoy one night stands, but sex is always best when it's between two people who care about each other. It should be with someone who makes you feel safe, respected and relaxed."
Reid's brows furrowed and he nodded again, looking at Morgan with a strange expression.
"You deserve to have that, Reid." Morgan said gently.
Reid eyes looked unsure. Then suddenly he brought his lips towards Morgan's, who jerked away just before they met.
"Woah, Reid. What are you doing?" He stood up, getting himself out of the way quickly.
Reid cringed away, hiding his face in his hands.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He gasped out.
"What was that?" Morgan asked, a little angrier than he intended.
"I don't know, I'm sorry!" Reid sniffed, he was now crying.
Morgan stood for a few moments, trying to assess the situation. Reid was pathetically hiding his face in shame and it broke Morgan's heart. He sat back down next to him.
"Reid, look at me."
He shook his head.
"Look at me." He gently grabbed his wrist to pull his hand away from his face.
Reid gave him a quick glance but couldn't maintain it.
"You know I don't want that from you, don't you?"
A sob escaped Reid's lips.
"I care about you because you're my best friend, you're like a little brother to me. I don't expect anything from you."
"You said it should be with someone who makes me feel safe and respected."
"And I make you feel like that?" Morgan asked, finally understanding.
Reid nodded, letting out another embarrassed sob.
"Okay, well the other part I didn't mention is that you have to want to have sex with them, Reid. Be attracted to them…. Do you want to have sex with me?"
Reid cringed again.
"No." He hiccuped out.
"Right. And I feel the same. You're my brother, kid. I don't ever want anything like that from you and I would never expect anything like that from you in return for caring about you. Do you understand me?"
"Oh god, I'm so sorry." Reid hid his face again.
"Reid, you've nothing to be sorry for." Morgan said putting a hand to his back.
Reid stood up suddenly, moving away from the touch and shamefully left the room.
After that, the hand holding stopped. All forms of physical contact stopped. For a few days, Morgan barely saw Reid. He hid himself away in his library, rebuffing every invitation of company Morgan extended to him.
Morgan discussed the situation with Reid's counsellor, who advised him to let him have his space until he came round by himself. Morgan had finally returned to work, so that was easily done.
It took nearly a week, but finally Reid emerged from the room to watch TV with Morgan, an apologetic smile graced his lips when as he entered.
Morgan made nothing of it and just spoke to him as normal and the incident was soon forgotten.
Their next trip to the park was much more successful. It was two weeks after they started talking again and Reid's confidence had improved a lot. He had been seeing the Bureau counsellor three times a week and his progress had been nothing short of impressive.
The counsellor had done some CBT sessions in preparation for the trip out and they seemed to be working.
Reid was wandering the botanical garden quite comfortably with Morgan. He was still jumpy and hypervigiliant, but his brain was able to counter it with logic. Something he had been missing for a long time.
Morgan watched as Reid took in all of the plants around him with fascination.
"I didn't know you were into plants, Reid." He commented.
"I'm not. Well at least I'm not in the physical sense." Morgan knew what he meant – he wasn't a gardener. Which didn't surprise him. "I just appreciate the effort that goes into encouraging something to grow in an environment that on the face of it isn't suitable."
Morgan looked at Reid thoughtfully.
"I can get that. That's a bit like how I feel about renovating houses."
Reid quirked his eyebrow at him, clearly not seeing the connection.
"I like putting new life into something that would otherwise just be left to rot."
"But don't you rip out all the character and everything that made the property what it was?" He had seen Morgan's home, he knew the style Morgan would go for.
"Oh hell no. I choose a property for its period features. I don't rip them out. I restore them. I see it as taking something that is stuck in a moment of time and allowing it to have a future."
Reid appeared introspective for a few moments.
"Then why don't you just restore it to what it once was?"
"Because it may as well just be a museum. Nothing new comes without change."
Reid looked at Morgan and a small smile graced his lips.
"I never thought about it like that."
"Well I could take you round my latest property sometime if you like? I'm a bit behind on the renovations and an extra pair of hands would be a big help."
Reid scoffed.
"You really wanna put tools in my hand?"
Morgan smiled.
"I trust you. You never know, you might surprise yourself."
Reid looked skeptical.
"I'll come and have a look. Did you know that the 4th leading cause of death in the United States is unintentional injury? Of that, DIY makes up for 62% of the total?"
Morgan shook his head and laughed.
"Don't worry, Reid. I'll give you a paintbrush or something."
Reid smiled and looked back to the plants.
Two weeks later Reid finally went home. Both he and his counsellor felt it was the right time to make that move.
Morgan was out at work a lot anyway and had now begun travelling for cases again, which initially he had been signed off from in order to be available for Reid.
He had been back to his apartment a few times since he left the hospital. The first time had not been pleasant. His living room just reminded him of Jason. The place had been tidied up but the couch in particular was an unwelcome reminder of where everything began.
After a couple of visits he decided to get rid of it, knowing that he could never sit on it again and feel comfortable.
He was much happier once there was a new couch in place. Initially he enjoyed having the time to himself and being home amongst his own belongings. He started playing chess again and once a week he would do something that his counsellor had tasked him with, such as going to the supermarket or going out for a coffee by himself.
Things had been going well, until he realised he was actually incredibly bored. At around three months after his discharge, he found his mood dropping. There was no amount of books or chess games or visits from the team that could fill in the endless hours of emptiness that had become his life.
The Bureau counsellor, Dr. Hale was sat on the chair opposite him weighing him up and down.
"So I'm here today to discuss your return to work?" She said skeptically.
"Yes. I think I am ready."
"Dr. Reid, I cannot sign you off as ready for work unless I know your flashbacks and panic attacks are under control. I have down here that your last flashback was three weeks ago, is that correct?"
"Yes, that's correct." He lied. He'd had one a week ago.
"And your last panic attack was when you went to the park for the first time?" She asked, glancing through her notes.
"That's right." This wasn't a lie. He'd had flutters of anxiety – pre-cursors of a panic attack – but for the most part, he seemed to have them under control.
"Okay, well when we discussed your return to work previously, which was around five weeks ago, you said you were concerned about profiling sociopaths, psychopaths and sadists because you didn't see the signs for yourself. You labelled yourself a fraud – What has changed Dr. Reid?"
The reminder of his previous words was like a sucker punch to the gut. He didn't feel that way any more… well, not quite as strongly anyway. His trust in himself was still suffering, but at the time those words had been spoken his mind was tortured and detached. Now it was clearer, more logical and he was finding passion for things again, including his work.
He sighed.
"Jason wanted to ruin my life and I won't let him. And if by doing my job I can stop other people from going through a similar thing then that's what I want to do. I want to keep putting people like him away. He has already taken three months of my life. I don't want to let him take any more."
Dr. Hale nodded. Seemingly impressed. He had clearly improved a lot in the last five weeks.
"That's admirable, Dr. Reid and I must say, I'm very pleased to hear it. You've made excellent progress in the time I have been working with you. You should be very proud of yourself."
Reid's cheeks flushed.
"Thank you." He gave a small smile.
"I do however, still have concerns about the environment you would be returning to. Your job is high-pressure, high-stress, dangerous and macabre. I would like to run through some scenario based exercises to see where we're at."
Unbeknownst to Reid, these exercises had been designed by Hotch and Rossi to determine how ready his mind was for the various scenarios he would face in the field. They included crime scene photos, case files, violent crimes including rape and situational scenarios such as successfully talking down a violent unsub in a stand off. It was intentionally designed to trigger his PTSD, which felt cruel when they did it, but no where near as cruel as it would be to let him return to the field before he was mentally ready.
To Dr. Hale's surprise, Reid passed the assessment with flying colours.
It was no surprise to Reid though. In recent weeks, becoming sick of being in permanent distress, he'd compartmentalised. It wasn't the healthiest way of dealing with his trauma, but it's the only way his could see a route forwards.
He'd shoved his negative thoughts into a little box, wrapped it in a bow and pushed it into a locked filing cabinet in his mind.
If the counsellor had known, she certainly would not be signing him off as ready for work. But Reid knew how to manipulate the system. He'd done it with social services as a child, throughout school and college when he was severely bullied, throughout the FBI academy when he'd been a target of other cadets and after Tobias Hankel. So many pretty little boxes with ugly contents were tucked away in his mind that it hardly mattered any more. That was the way he dealt with trauma. It seemed to work for him and who was to say that wasn't what everyone did?
He couldn't see how talking about the same thing over and over was going to make it any better. It just served to give it oxygen and keep it alive. At least in the box it was suffocated.
"Okay, Dr. Reid. I must say, I wasn't expecting you to be able to return to work this early, I was thinking more around the six month mark, but you have passed the assessment so if you do wish to apply to return then I can only give my approval. You will have to do another psychological evaluation with Agent Hotchner before your return and you will, of course, have to be approved by the board."
Reid nodded, a smile of relief crossed his face.
"Thank you."
"I will continue to see you for another three months, regardless of your return to work. I am mandated to have sessions with you up until the six month mark, but we can do this in the office once you return."
"Okay." Reid said slightly disappointed.
"We will gradually reduce the frequency of the sessions to two a week and then one as we go along to help you adjust."
"Okay. Thank you. So what now?" He said, his hands fidgeting nervously in anticipation.
"I will submit my report to the board and to Agent Hotchner and from there it's up to them." She said matter of factly.
"How long will it take?"
"I will get my report to them by the end of the week. From there, I obviously can't comment."
Reid nodded. Both nerves and excitement shot through his body. He wanted to return to normal. He wanted his life back. He'd been utterly useless for three months now and needed to feel like he had a purpose.
On the other hand, his purpose was catching serial predators. He wouldn't admit it to Dr. Hale, but the thought of facing one terrified him. He suspected he would be kept on the bench for a while upon his return anyway.
Reid thanked the Doctor and saw her out of the apartment. Feeling more like himself than he had in a long time, he picked up his cell phone.
Morgan knocked on Hotch's door.
"Hotch, can I have a word?" His face was concerned.
Hotch looked up from the papers on his desk and gestured Morgan into the room.
"Is something wrong?" He noted the grim expression on his colleague's face.
"I've just heard from Reid. He's been signed off by his counsellor to come back to work." Morgan held his hands out in a questioning gesture.
Hotch nodded thoughtfully.
"He has completed the assessment?"
"He says so, yeah. She will be sending it to you in the next couple of days."
"Okay." Hotch said, giving little away.
"You can't be okay with this, Hotch? It's been three months. I've seen people take longer for gunshot wounds!"
"It's not ideal." Hotch conceded.
"Damn right it's not ideal. He's gonna be back in the field with serial murderers and rapists, three months after he barely made it out alive? He's gonna crack, Hotch. I'm warning you now." Morgan sounded angry, but Hotch knew different. He was scared.
"Dave and I put together the assessment Morgan, and it wasn't easy. It was designed to trigger him in every way possible. If he has passed it then it's more than likely his mental health is in a strong enough condition to handle coming back to work."
"Or he's learned how to mask it." Morgan countered.
"You can't mask triggers, Morgan."
"Oh, you can Hotch. If you hide something deep enough, especially the way Reid does."
Hotch sat back in his chair, weighing Morgan up.
"What do you want from me?"
"I want you to say no. Make him take more time."
"On what grounds?" Hotch was getting frustrated now. "He's passed the assessment, we know already he'll pass the psychological evaluation. If the board approves him then there's no reason for me to keep him away from his job."
Morgan looked incredibly disappointed.
"Hotch, please." It was uncharacteristic of Morgan to beg. "I promise you, he will hide it until it becomes too much for him to bear. There's no way he's made that much improvement in five weeks."
Hotch dropped his gaze thoughtfully.
"Morgan, I know you've taken on a lot of responsibility when it comes to helping Reid and I know you want what's best for him. But I can't stop him returning to work if that's what he wants."
Morgan huffed out an annoyed breath.
"I'm sorry." Hotch's word on the matter was clearly final.
Morgan shook his head, the worry and disbelief was clear on his face. He sighed and backed out of the room holding his hands up in surrender.
Hotch's jaw tensed. He wasn't sure if this was the right decision, but once that report hit the board, it wasn't really his decision any more.
He hoped Morgan would be wrong. He had been so invested in Reid's recovery that his protectiveness could be allowed to get in the way of any independence Reid wanted to have. He remembered how unhappy Morgan had been at the thought of Reid living alone again. He had been wrong on that front. Hotch could only hope he would be wrong again.