The Last Heartbeat

But, oh, how much a heart can hold. ~Coventry Patmore

Was it even possible to love someone this much? It physically hurts and not in an erotic way, in the way that your breath leaves your lungs, and that heartbeat has been the last. The kind of love that stops time, even if just for one more heartbeat and you can imagine that nothing, absolutely nothing, could stop that love from becoming truth.

But it wasn't truth, was it? It was in the mind, maybe the heart, but the heart often lies and can rarely be trusted. Everything around you says it's just a lie, the faces and gazes of others, even if they are the ones you trust your life with. Maybe, that was the point. Maybe they are the ones who know you the best. The ones that you should trust to be in your head when you feel disconnected from reality. That was the worst part. Knowing that other people were making those decisions for you. A part of you knows this isn't how it should be, to allow anyone, even those you care about deeply, to decide how you should live your life.

How dare they.

Oh, they dared. Yes, they did. And you stupidly not only allow them, but somehow manage to thank them every day for keeping your life unchanged. Who needs change? It was risky, risky beyond belief. Risky enough to take everything you know and love from you, including the center of your universe. You convince yourself that it's okay, that life will go on and you'll be just fine. Then you walk into a room, and they are there, and your breath leaves your lungs, and that heartbeat has been the last. Your world is upside down again.

The way they move, the subtle facial expressions, and eyes that glisten with age old wisdom despite their young years, and the smell. Oh, my, the way they smell. Like knowing when grass is being cut, or rain is on the way, a smell that is only attributable to that one thing on earth. A smell that when they walk past, and it starts to drift away, you find yourself longing for it, and suddenly you are following them like some kind of lovesick puppy.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Pressed against a wall, the cold bricks make indentions into the flesh, eyes close and you try to regain some semblance of control. Not here. You can't lose control here. Dear God, anywhere but here. Eyes are watching, the ones that whisper, 'don't even think about it'. Words you need to listen to with every fiber of your being. The problem is every part of your being doesn't want to listen. It wants and needs more. Just a little more. A smell, a touch, a taste.

STOP IT.

Deep breaths, you're dangerously close to revealing too much and risking everything. Are they worth it? God yes, they are. Is it just about you? Of course not. You could never risk harming them. Pain courses through you just at the thought. Never risk them is your mantra. It gets you through the day; it must get you through the day. Why did days have to seem eternal? They didn't before; before you decided to love them. They were just normal days doing what was asked of you, carefree, and without restrictions in your thoughts, words, and movements. They were easy days.

Damn. Damn. Damn.

Nothing was carefree now. Well, almost nothing. There were those moments, rare moments shared together when no other eyes were on you, when a smile could send a thrill through you and ignite the fire of your existence again. A smile that was specifically meant for you. Then you felt carefree and almost untethered to reality. Thank God for that tether, subconscious and well planted by years of practice. So very good at it now; knowing when to stop and not risk it all.

Someday. Maybe someday that tether can be severed, and you can pull that beautiful soul into an embrace that would take the breath from their lungs, and feeling of that heartbeat being the last.

Someday.

But not today. Today was chaos and there were zero moments alone. Absolute disaster at every turn and you were needed without fail. No time for self-thought, or thinking of getting in an extra secret touch, or leaning in for a soul fulfilling smell. Today was about everyone around you and keeping them safe. Eventually the day would end, and beds would call them to collapse from exhaustion, lacking the energy to even roll over. Then you do roll over and they are there, so close, and you need to know they are okay in all ways. Are their hearts full? Do they have all they want and need in life? Do they have any idea you want all that for them; that you would give your life for them to have it? Your eyes close and once again they are there where you need them.

Where the breath leaves your lungs, and that heartbeat has been the last.

A/N: I know whom I am writing about. Who do you envision the speaker to be?