New year, new day, new age, new husband. I'm married. My last name is now Bakugou. It's very strange. But Katsuki looked wonderful. His smile was irresistible. Everyone looked so nice. We invited our classmates, and all of them were happy to see us together. They were happy I smiled, and especially Midoriya.

I felt happy. I wanted to cry…

…is what I wish I could say. That's not how I felt. Some weeks, I'm okay, and I don't find everything to be a waste of time. Others, like now, it's the same story I've known for what feels like forever now: nothing matters. I shut everyone out and focus on schoolwork and my job. Right. I have a job now. I don't need one, but I figured I should get one so I have fewer opportunities to try and hurt myself. I work at a library since it's quiet and requires minimal interaction. It's also not something that makes me dread going because of the environment, people, or workload. I don't enjoy it, but I don't hate it.

I'm so fucking selfish. I said so little about the fact that I'm married before talking about myself. It's my own diary, but still. Well, Katsuki married me on my twenty-first birthday because he wanted to prove that that was a very special day.

As the wedding got closer, somehow, I felt more empty. I kept having thoughts about ending it all before I could commit to this marriage, that I'm obviously not enough for someone like Katsuki, that I'll just fuck up any chance we have at being a happy family… I also still haven't been taking my antidepressants. I forget, it's not a priority, it's bothersome… Besides, taking them might as well be saying I'm depressed when I'm not. Society doesn't like me, so I should change my brain chemistry to become someone they agree with.

My therapist says I'm like this because I became depressed when I was younger and was also experiencing trauma responses from Endeavor. I wasn't able to escape the people and environment that shaped me in a bad way, and I continually got worse as a result, changing how I thought, felt, and behaved to cope. That's not what it is. This is just trying to blame Endeavor for everything, even though it is true that he did a lot of things to me that he shouldn't have.

If I accepted this explanation, it would be saying I never had to be like this, it's all his fault, he ruined everything for me, it's because of the very same people who brought me into this world that I became something reprehensible, I would've been so much better off without the people who were supposed to be my parents and love and support me, etcetera. So, I won't accept it. Because it's not true.

Maybe I'm really not ready for this yet. Why did I let this happen? That's always how it goes. I always fuck things up. I should've told him I wanted to wait on our marriage. That's what a good husband would've done. Fuck. I can't change anything now. Nothing feels real.

I'm obviously not emotionally available for this yet. I'm not better. I'm not in a place to accept all this. I thought I'd be ready. It's never enough. I'm not the kind of husband anyone would want.

Just looking at how I'm writing, I can tell it's completely different from my last entry. Even my handwriting is a mess this time, and the lines are a lot darker. I honestly want to puncture my arms with this pencil, but it's too dull, and I'm two weeks clean of cutting.

Fuck it.

I got blood all over my notebook. Katsuki's going to be pissed. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have done it. But I deserved it. I deserved all of it.

I feel like I can't breathe. What have I done? Why am I still like this? Why is this the beginning of our story together? It's my fault. It's all my fault.

I'm not even acting like myself. What is this? Who is this? I don't feel like myself. This isn't me. I sound like I've gone off the deep end. I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't fucking know.

If this is the hell it takes to thaw this river, I don't know if I want to continue. I hate this. I feel like I'm losing control over myself. I'm doing stupid, irrational things on impulse that I regret almost immediately after.

I want to die. I want to fucking die.

I can't die now. I should've died earlier. Fuck. Even my thoughts are going back to the beginning of this hell. I'll try to take a nap and collect my thoughts again.

I took a nap, and now, I feel empty. Maybe I panicked and tried to dissociate. Everything was a blur, and I kept finding distraction after distraction. I can hardly read what I wrote. It progressively gets worse, and now, it looks decent again.

I woke up, and I was cuddled into Katsuki's arms. He knows I usually take naps when something's not right. He asked if the wedding was too much for me to take in. I honestly don't know. Was it? I…can't even remember much of it. My own wedding, and I can't remember most of it. I guess it must've taken quite the toll on me that I suppressed at the time. Is my mind registering our wedding as a traumatic experience worth repressing? I hope not. That doesn't make any sense. I don't think anything was necessarily bad about it. Unless I just forgot. Well, that's a new predicament.

I shrugged and hugged him. I just wanted to be safe in his arms for a little bit. He was so warm. It's so strange to think he's my husband now. We're family.

I asked him if I'm really cut out for being his husband, and he told me not to think like that; just think of him as I always do, but now, we're closer than before. I guess that's one way to try and erase the grandeur of our new relationship so things aren't… How do you describe it? Too much? Too awkward? I don't know.

But I want to know… What made me go into a state that I can only describe as panic, even if I wasn't panicking?