Jim's first two years had been wonderful. Winona wished that those years would never end. Her second son should forever remain a little boy with round cheeks.

During those two years, she had genuinely thought to end her Starfleet career for good - or at least until her sons were fifteen and could fend for themselves - to live a simple life in Iowa. She had bought a farm not far from her in-laws' house so that they could see their grandchildren grow up. Sam was delighted to have his mother with him. She spent hours playing with him and telling him stories. She took care of Jim, rocked him and sang him old songs she had learned on the ships she and George had served. By day she was a happy mother. At night, however, she cried and did not fall asleep until early morning, thinking of George.

Soon after Jim turned two, one day when Winona was with him in the garden, watching him play, he suddenly turned to her and smiled. Winona's heart was already broken after the events of Kelvin. After that day, it began to die. Jim's smile was the same as George's. From that day forward, she saw in Jim nothing more than a bad copy of George, a thorn in her heart that reminded her of what she had lost. She tried. Really, with all her soul, she tried to continue to love the child, her son. She continued to smile at him for two years and took care of him, but it was with mechanical gestures devoid of affection. Her life was tasteless. She looked after her children, visited her in-laws, tended a vegetable garden, paid attention to it, welcomed neighbours and Starfleet visitors who came to greet the hero's widow... It was not a life, and Winona was sinking into depression.

Life without George seemed devoid of flavor to her, but worse still, she felt as though she were suffocating stuck on the ground with her children. Soon she began to have anxiety attacks which left her paralyzed with terror. Quickly, she realized that she had to go back into space or else she would go mad.

Three months later, she returned to space, leaving her two sons to her in-laws. She gasped as she left them, but relief prevailed. And then, she told herself, her in-laws adored the children, and they would be happy with them. And she could talk to them once in a while or listen to the recorded messages they left her. It wasn't so bad, wasn't it?

She spent three months in space, participating in a peaceful Starfleet mission to a distant planet. Then, she returned to Earth a week after Jim's fourth birthday. She brought him a present, but he took it without saying thank you and didn't open it the entire time she was there. Winona didn't even try to apologize or hug her son. She couldn't because Jim looked so much like George. It looked like her husband seemed to watch her with contempt when she looked at her son. Sam also seemed to resent her.

This time, she spent almost a year on Earth. Then Jim's birthday drew near again, and she realized that she couldn't stand smiling and clapping to Jim's blowing out his birthday candles when it would be five years since George's death. One evening, fifteen days before the dreadful date, she made a decision. Winona called an old friend of high rank in Starfleet. Someone she knew would be understanding. Moments later, the worried face of old Admiral Archer appeared on his screen. He smiled at her fatherly, the worries seeming to disappear from his forehead for a few moments.

"Winona, it has been a while since I heard from you. Are you and the kids alright?"

"We're good, Jonathan."

Winona was one of the very few people to call the famous admiral by his first name. She happened to be the granddaughter of one of his old friends and someone the old man saw as family. He had always followed her career, had given her fatherly advice, and introduced her to George Kirk. After the Kelvin's destruction, he had helped her with everything and swore he would be there to help if she needed him. And now Winona had a favor to ask him. She quickly finished telling him about her daily life in Iowa and the children's day before approaching the subject.

"I need a favor, Jonathan."

"Anything you want, Winona. What is the problem?"

Winona was silent for a long time. She was trying to get her thoughts together.

"I can't do it," she said at last, and she knew her voice was shaking. "I can't stay here and pretend everything is normal, like I'm not going nuts, nailed to the ground with all these people looking at me with pity."

"I know what it is," Archer replied with a note of pity in his voice. "When I became an admiral, space seemed even more attractive. It was like withdrawal. We can leave space, but it never leaves us. But you are young Winona. You have two beautiful children. Enjoy your time with them. Then, in a few years, when they grow, you..."

"I can't wait", cut Winona in a dry voice. "I left for a three months mission, but I already feel like I'm going crazy again. I must go back."

Archer was silent for a long time. He knew Winona well enough to know that it was hard for her to make such a confession.

"What do you want from me Winona?"

"I asked around. The Starfleet organizes an annual mission to visit the nearest space stations and planets. It lasts six months and starts next week. A word from you could grant me a job aboard the ship. I would spend six months on board, six months on Earth. I believe that this way, I will manage to keep my sanity."

"Between my recommendation and your abilities, you can assuredly find a place aboard any ship in less than two days. But think about it, Winona. You would miss your son's birthday. Couldn't you wait for the next mission instead?"

"I can't be on Earth that day", recognized Winona in a voice she tried to make as detached as possible. "I did it last year, and I won't do that again. It was to hard."

Archer didn't try to hide his disapproving.

"And your son Winona?"

"He understands", she lied. "I explained it to him, and he's very smart. We'll celebrate his birthday in advance."

It was wrong. She knew Jim didn't, couldn't understand. He was too small. But in a few years, she would explain it to him. In a few years, he would be old enough for her to be away longer. He would understand how bad it was for her to be there and pretend to be happy that day. In the meantime, she would continue to run away from this child who looked too much like his father. No one could make her stay.

Archer tried to convince her for a long time, but she opposed each of his arguments. Finally, he agreed to speak to the head of the mission. Winona started to thank him, but he cut her off abruptly.

"I hope you never ask me for such a favor again. Think of your children above all. They need you."

With those words, he ended the conversation.

-.-.-
Six years passed, each year resembling the last. The mission had proved to be very satisfied with Winona's work, and she had continued these biannual missions, thus returning to work in the Starfleet. The other six months of the year she looked after her two sons, staying as far away from Jim as she could without hurting him. She was never on Earth on his birthday. Her in-laws were increasingly critical of her. Sandra, her stepmother, though she was a bad mother, Winona knew it. As if this woman could understand what she was going through.

At the end of the sixth mission, Sandra was waiting for her when she landed at the small airport in Iowa, dressed in black. Seeing her, Winona frowned. She was not ready to accept his reproaches as soon as she arrived. But then she started to worry. She approached her mother-in-law, without waiting to have recovered her luggage. Sandra's first words were simple.

"Tiberius is dead,"

Winona was shocked at the news. Her stepfather had been in excellent health six months earlier.

"When?" She asked. "How?"

"Two days ago. A sudden cardiac arrest. Nobody saw anything coming ..."

Sandra was on the verge of collapsing. The unexpected death of her husband had obviously crushed her. From there, Winona had to take matters into her own hands. Her mother-in-law was too devastated to take care of the preparation of the funeral or the administrative procedures. Sandra just had enough strength to look after the children, as she always had, and with as much love as she had always shown them. The children became her reason for living after the funerals.

Winona looked at this with astonishment and a little jealousy. Sam and Jim had never been able to make her keep the will to live. For her, everything had stopped when George died. For Sandra, everything continued.

Many people came to support the family of a hero at the funerals and after. Some other people came to see for hidden skeletons in their cupboards. Fortunately, the whole village ganged up on the Kirk's side, and no stranger, especially no journalist, managed to get close enough to the children to ask them questions or take a picture of them.

During the following weeks, Winona began to think. Sandra was getting old too. One day, she would no longer be there. What would happen if Winona was in space, unable to return for several months? Her two sons would become wards of Starfeet, having no other living family. It was out of the question that her sons became a tool for Starfleet. Winona knew they would want to use her son for publicity like they tried when George died. Her children would not be two faces on the recruitment posters. Winona realized that she needed to find a legal guardian for her children, someone who wasn't Starfleet.

She spent more time in the village, chatting with her neighbors as she had not done since her widowhood. Then everything happened at high speed. Winona hated dragging things along. Three months after her stepfather's death, Winona married one of her neighbors, Frank. He had longed for her for a long time, even before her first marriage, was ready to accept and love another man's children, was a responsible and monotonous man.

Before making their marriage official, Winona explained precisely what their marriage would and would not be. Frank would never have the right to force her to live on Earth, nor to choose which Starfleet missions she could take or not. It would be up to her to decide if and when there would be sex in their relationship. He would take good care of the children in her absence. Frank accepted everything. He was an understanding man. The morning of the wedding, Sandra came to see Winona in her room.

"Why are you doing this?" She asked in a sad voice. "I thought you still mourned for George."
"I'm doing it for my sons", answered Winona in an icy voice. "Never doubt my love for George."
Sandra gave a mocking sneer.

"For your sons... How dare you say it's for them? Since my Georgie died, you've been in space as often as possible. It's been eight years since you were there at the time of Jimmy's birthday, and you dare say it's for him that you're getting married? Everything you've done for ten years, you've done only for yourself, Winona. Because you are a selfish coward who likes to suffer. Jimmy and Sammy are unhappy because they don't have their mother with them, and now you find them a stepdad because you think I can't take care of them anymore?"

"You don't know what I'm feeling!" Winona yelled.

"Of course I do! I lost my son, Winona, my only son! But you have two of them, alive and well, and you're unable to love them. You can't even look at them!"

The gesture was pure instinct, but Winona didn't regret it. There was a slap and a second later, Sandra was looking at her, holding her cheek, blood under her fingers. Winona left the room without looking back.

Three hours later, she was Frank's wife, and their oral marriage contract contained one more term. Sandra would be forbidden to see Jim and Sam while Winona was in space. She wouldn't let that woman turn her sons against her.

Winona was a responsible and exemplary wife during the first months of her marriage. She was on the ground for eight months. She even stayed until Jim's birthday. However, she attended the commemoration ceremonies in San Francisco that day, not her son's party. Admiral Archer greeted her coldly. They didn't talk much. He was still angry with her, obviously. In the evening, in her hotel room, she called home. She told Frank about her day, pretended to smile, listened to him talk about his day and then asked to talk to Jim. Her son appeared on the screen with a stubborn look on his face.
"Good evening Jim. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday", she began. She couldn't force herself to smile.

Jim's face turned suspicious.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be there, but they asked me to come for the ceremony, and I could hardly refuse. I'm sure you understand..."

"Liar," Jim cut her in an icy voice.

And with that word, Jim cut the conversation. Winona sighted. In a few years, Jim would understand and accept what she did. Then they would start again on a healthy basis. Of course, they would never really be close, but they could at least get along. She was lying to herself, of course.

Life as a married woman was not very exciting, but she took care of the two boys from time to time. She could hardly believe that Jim was already eleven and Sam sixteen. Sam even began to date a girl and wanted to ask her advice about the studies he wanted to pursue. In another world, she would have been curious to meet his girlfriend, and happy to encourage him, but in this world, she couldn't. Frank stood by Sam's side to explain some precautions to take and congratulate him on his excellent grades. Frank and Sam got along wonderfully. Jim, on the other hand, hated his stepfather. Winona should have done something about it, but she let Frank take care of it. She had stopped caring for Jim when he was two years old, and she didn't know what to do with the preteen he had become. During the first few months of her remarriage, Winona tried several times to communicate with Jim. He didn't help her. He would shut down or speak only in monosyllables and looked at her with contempt. Jim looked so much like George that the expression made Winona sick, as if her husband was looking at her through his son's eyes.

That was the reason why, for the first time in eleven years, she tried to really talk to Jim, not out of love for the child but so that George would stop looking at her with sadness and disappointment every time Jim met her gaze. She managed to be alone with him one day, and when he came down from her room, Winona walked up to him. Immediately Jim began to walk up the stairs.
That was when Winona finally understood a truth that she had refused to consider. Her son had come to hate her. It shouldn't have surprised her, but she had imagined that a little boy's love for his mother would outweigh any carelessness from her part. Now, it was too late. Jim was giving her an aggressive look.

"I think we need to talk, Jim," Winona began in a shaky voice, still shocked by this sudden revelation.

Jim didn't answer. He looked at her, arms crossed.

"I know I'm not always an exemplary mother," she continued, clinging to phrases repeated many times in preparation for this discussion.

"You don't say", interrupted Jim. "The definition of the word "mother" includes raising your child. So on this account, it's Grandma who's my mother."

"You're still very young, Jim. One day you will understand what it can be for a woman to lose her husband and find herself alone with two children."

"Are you kidding you?" Jim replied in a stunned tone. "Where did you get this sudden urge to play the model mom with me? In eleven years, you have not been present for me once."

"It's not because I wasn't there for your birthdays that..."

"Because you think that's the only problem? Where were you when I fell from the apple tree at Grandpa's house? When Sam got sick when I was six? So don't even try to be my mother because I never had one."

Jim went back to his room without looking at his mother. Winona stared at the stairs for a long moment, trying to figure out how she could have let her son, the last thing she had left of George, go so far away from her.

"I'm sorry George," she whispered at last. "I can't do it."

The next day, Sam begged her to stay, Frank tried to convince her with all the arguments at hand, but Winona was embarking on a five-year discovery mission. She left Earth without saying goodbye to Jim, simply promising her husband to call as often as possible. Again, she was running away rather than confronting Jim.