Addison always wanted to have a sister.
During her childhood, Archer was her perfect adventure companion, with whom she used to have fun and often get into trouble.
With him, she could take long bike rides through the vineyards that stretched as far as the eye could see or sneakily eat the unripe grapes from the vines. Their addiction to the sour taste of those fruits would unleash contagious laughter that resonated in the air, making them feel like little pirates on a quest for hidden treasures. Although, of course, after that feast, their laughter would fade, making way for the worst stomach pains imaginable.
On hot summer afternoons, she could play hide-and-seek with Archer in the horse barn, where the shadows provided ideal hiding spots. There, among the dusty harnesses, horseshoes, and animals, the hay crunched under their feet as they ran and sneaked around until they felt itchy all over. And then, the calm rashes on their arms would last a whole week.
With him, she could spend hours splashing around in the pool. Addison, with her hair tangled in a thick mane, fiercely competed with her brother, challenging him to hold his breath underwater for as long as possible. It wasn't unusual for their fingers to turn into raisins by the end of those marathon sessions, which were just another reminder of what they were both willing to do to win.
With him, she could have intense tennis tournaments that lasted all weekend. The tennis court in their backyard was a natural extension of their competitive personalities. For hours, the balls would bounce back and forth in a whirlwind of screams, laughter, and drama. Every point won was celebrated like a grand slam, and defeat was met only with a fighting spirit that invited a rematch.
Addison couldn't deny that she had fun with him; however, it wasn't the same as having a sister. She knew there were things she would never be able to do with her brother.
Archer didn't like playing with dolls, taking care of toy babies, organizing tea parties in the garden with stuffed animals, or dressing up as a ballet dancer, or painting their nails with pretend polish. Because, at that time, those were just girly things.
Besides, he was much more popular than she was in every area. Most of the time –especially when he wasn't busy playing with his lonely sister– he was surrounded by friends. And she would watch them from a distance, always on the sidelines. Because girls –especially annoying little sisters– couldn't play boys' games either.
That's why Addison wanted a little sister. Every time she felt bored or lonely, that idea would surface, and her heart would fill with hope and dreams.
In her mind, she envisioned perfect scenarios: shared afternoons in the garden, whispered confidences between games, complicity in every corner of their home. They would be best friends sharing dolls, dresses, and high heels. They would comb and do each other's makeup. Sometimes, she even dreamed that her new sister would have hair as red as hers, and she wouldn't be the only one in the family with that strange color that made her feel different from everyone else.
"Three kids are a crowd, dear," Bizzy would usually reply every time she brought up the topic, with a firmness that left little room for discussion.
That answer became a mantra that accompanied Addison throughout the years, slowly dimming her hopes. She knew that no matter how much she begged, her mother wouldn't change her mind. It was impossible for her to imagine Bizzy pregnant again. In fact, she didn't even know how she agreed to go through that twice, so her own existence felt like a miracle.
Time passed, and when she completely forgot about that idea, she met Derek. And thanks to him, she had four sisters.
The first one she met was Nancy, and it wasn't exactly on any special occasion. She was only a year older than Derek and was in her second at Columbia. Occasionally, she would arrive at or leave the medical school with her brother, and she claimed to be the first person to notice that they were in love, even before they realized it themselves.
With Nancy, she shared more things in common, from their close ages to the medical specialty they chose. They both did their surgical residency together and later became colleagues at the New York hospital, so they spent many hours a week together.
She met Liz and Kathleen the day Derek and Mark moved into a new shared room at Columbia, as they were eager to see what their older brother's new residence would be like.
And finally, she met Amelia. Addison had never felt such palpable nervousness as she did that April afternoon when she met her. It was her first family gathering with Derek, and although their relationship had blossomed in recent months, the intimacy of being with his family always brought along an air of uncertainty.
The reason for her visit was Kathleen's 18th birthday, and she organized a modest but warm celebration at their home. It was there that Addison took her first steps into her boyfriend's family world and also met the overflowing energy of the youngest member of the Shepherd clan.
Amelia was fourteen at the time and was very upset that Carolyn hadn't allowed her to get her ears pierced with her friends, making her the only one in her social circle who couldn't show off the temporary piercings that seemed so essential to her youthful identity.
Addison arrived with her usual air of kindness and a smile, capturing the attention of everyone present, especially her mother, who had stopped arguing with her to interrogate her son's new girlfriend. That didn't help ease the storm of anger that Amelia was going through.
At that precise moment, the teenager, chewing on her frustration, made a remark aimed solely at hurting Addison.
"Sarah was prettier than this one," was the first thing that slipped from her lips, referring to her brother's last ex-girlfriend.
Derek felt the air around him cut off upon hearing that. His face turned red with embarrassment, followed by an immense anger rising inside him. He knew his sister had a mischievous nature, but he didn't expect her to make such a bold entrance. Although Addison, initially surprised, maintained her composure and smiled. She knew she had to give in to the initial impressions.
Shortly after that awkward exchange, while the celebration continued in the dining room, Addison found Amelia sitting alone in the backyard, playing with a small flower. Of course, after being so rude to her new sister-in-law, she fought with her brother, and nobody wanted to be with her.
Amelia's comment still lingered in Addison's mind, but for some reason, she felt an inexplicable connection to the young girl who seemed to not fit in at all with her family. In a way, she reminded her of herself with her own family.
Then it occurred to her that she could try to win Amelia's trust, so she approached her with a friendly attitude.
"Hey, I can see today isn't the best day for you..." she said, carefully choosing her words. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
Amelia looked up and bit her lip in annoyance. The last thing she wanted to do was talk to Derek's stupid girlfriend at that moment. But deep down, something about Addison's demeanor intrigued her. Her eyes were filled with compassion rather than judgment.
"Tell me…" she said, sitting on the entry step next to her.
After a moment of silence, the young girl began to release the story of her frustration.
"I want a damn piercing, and my stupid mother won't let me get it 'cause she says I'm too young for that and that I'm gonna get a fucking ear infection. She keeps treating me like I'm a stupid baby!"
"Well, I've never heard a baby curse like that. Did you learn it at daycare?"
A small laugh escaped Amelia. Perhaps the first one of the day.
"What if we make a deal?" Addison said, taking advantage of the fact that she managed to make her laugh. "If you change that face and come have cake with us, I can talk to your mom so we can go together to a place I know where you can get a piercing with no risk of infection," she flashed an unselfish smile.
"Are you really saying that?" she asked, her eyes widening in surprise at the proposal. Not even her own older sisters had offered to go with her.
"Sure."
That simple conversation marked the beginning of a new relationship. That day, despite the apparent initial hostility, Addison managed to establish a bridge of trust with her that intensified over the years. She became Amelia's haven.
The young girl, who was just beginning to navigate the tumultuous seas of adolescence, found in her sister-in-law a calm harbor where she could anchor her worries. Whenever a problem arose –be it an argument with her mother, a misunderstanding with her sisters, or tension with her friends– Amelia would turn to Addison, knowing she would always find a listening and understanding ear there. Their conversations ranged from trivial high school issues to deeper dilemmas related to her first love and her sexual awakening.
Addison took it upon herself to teach Amelia about the human body, romantic relationships, and yes, sex. She explained to Amelia that intimacy was a natural part of adult life, but it had to be approached with care and respect.
She not only talked about the importance of using condoms to prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases but also took time to show her how to use them correctly.
"It's vital that you understand that protecting yourself is a way of taking care of yourself," Addison said while unrolling a condom over a banana. "Prevention is key. You should never feel pressured to do something you don't want to, and you should always be in control of your decisions. Using protection isn't just about you; it's also about respecting your partner."
The topic of consent was another foundational pillar in their conversations. Addison always emphasized that consent wasn't just a word, but an attitude that had to be present in every interaction.
"It's essential that you understand your body's sacred," Addison taught her. "No one has the right to it without your permission. Trust in your partner is essential. You should feel safe to express your desires and boundaries at any time. Consent also means that you can change your mind at any point. You shouldn't be afraid to say 'no' or to stop something that doesn't feel right. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity in all your relationships."
And Amelia listened carefully to every word that came from her mouth, absorbing each explanation. With Addison, she never felt uncomfortable, and that encouraged her to open up and ask questions she otherwise would have been afraid to voice.
Just as Addison was Amelia's trusted person, Amelia was also Addison's. And if there was anyone in this world to whom she could entrust a secret, it would clearly be her.
"You had sex with Derek in Connecticut?!" Amelia exclaimed, stifling an incredulous laugh.
"Can you lower your voice? Sam can hear us!" Addison said reluctantly, quickly turning her head toward her boyfriend's room window. The light was off, so he was probably sleeping.
"Are you serious? With Derek?" Amelia laughed again, ignoring her sister's request for discretion. "I mean, seriously?"
Addison sighed impatiently and poured herself another glass of red wine, which slid down her throat in a matter of seconds. From her annoyed expression, Amelia could tell that she was indeed serious.
"Oh… sorry... I... I didn't see that coming," Amelia murmured after a while.
"Me neither."
"I don't want details, believe me, I don't want 'em. But... how did you go from being at your mother's funeral to being in bed with your ex-husband? Or well... I don't know if it was in bed or somewhere else. I repeat, I don't want details about my brother's sexual performance, but... how?" she frowned in confusion.
Addison brought the glass back to her lips and took another long sip. She hadn't planned on discussing what had happened with Derek.
"I was drunk," she began.
"Of course not. You never really get drunk" she said, nodding her eyes toward the nearly empty bottle of wine.
"We were both drunk," Addison continued, ignoring her. "A few shots of Scotch... dusting off old memories... nostalgia for a past life in a past city... a dead mother, a recent separation... a bit of heat, and... it just happened. 'Cause sex's always one of the best and stupidest escapes from reality."
"Ha."
"And then... I don't know. I don't remember exactly how it happened; the images are somewhat blurry in my memory, but I know that he kissed me first. He made me quiet, in fact. We were arguing about something, and suddenly... we weren't arguing anymore... he was on top of me and..."
"I thought I was clear in saying that I didn't want that kind of detail."
"For a moment, I forgot about Bizzy. I forgot that she had died. I forgot about The Captain, Susan, Sam... I forgot my problems. It was... it was like being transported to a place where only the two of us existed. A place frozen in time..." she paused to take the last sip of wine left in her glass before continuing. "It felt like... being at home again. And I'm not talking about that house, let alone Connecticut. No. I'm talking about... about him. About his warmth, his arms around me, whispering words I never thought I'd hear from his mouth... about his caresses..."
"Okay, okay. Got it."
Addison grimaced and turned her gaze to the ocean. The moon, full and shining, reflected its silvery light over the water. Her eyes were glassy and threatened to break into tears again.
"It was a mistake to have done it..." she murmured, her voice cracking.
"Is that why he sent you that message apologizing?"
"No, that was because he called me a whore."
"What?"
"When he found out about my relationship with Sam... he called me a whore. In fact, he also told me that I didn't know how to make even the slightest effort to keep my legs closed," she laughed, shaking her head. It was so sad and embarrassing at the same time that it made her laugh.
"Damn, Derek really knows how to be an asshole."
"I know..." Addison replied in a voice barely containing her sadness.
"And are you gonna forgive him?"
"Of course not. I never want to see him again in my life."
Addison turned slightly, leaving the empty glass on the wooden table. The silence was deafening, a void that only the sound of waves crashing on the shore seemed capable of filling.
As she fixed her gaze on the horizon, where the dark sky met the vastness of the ocean, tears began to slide down her face, and she couldn't hold them back. Amelia noticed.
"Addie... do you still feel something for him?" she asked gently.
"I'll always feel something for him... I mean, Derek was my first love. I loved him like I had never loved anyone before, but... what we had is over, Amy. Our story came to an end, and I had to learn to live with that. I turned the page, I rebuilt my life. Now there's Sam. He's the one who loves me. And I love him and I'm happy with him. We're happy together and... Sam doesn't deserve any of this. He... God... he doesn't deserve this," she said, beginning to cry. Her voice had cracked when mentioning his name.
"Hey, it's okay..." she said, moving closer to console her, "it's okay."
"Of course, it's not! I screw up all my relationships."
"Don't say that."
"It's true! Sam's already mad at me. He doesn't wanna talk to me, and he doesn't even know the truth. He... he... he'll never forgive me!" she exclaimed, crying. "We... our relationship's gonna end because of this. He'll leave me!"
"You can't be sure of that."
"Sam will leave me and... and... I'm going to die alone. I'm gonna die alone for being a cheater!"
"Shhh... come here," she said, wrapping her in her arms, trying to calm her, "you will never be alone if I'm here."
~•~
The morning light began to filter softly through the windows, casting elongated shadows on the pale floor of the Seattle Grace Mercy West cafeteria.
Derek sat in a corner, surrounded by the murmur of unrelated conversations that sounded like distant melodies. His gaze was fixed –though empty– on the coffee cup in front of him, where the sugar granules slowly dissolved in the swirl created by his spoon.
The night before had been a real hell. After a whole week of debating whether to do it or not, he had impulsively texted Addison, just to get Mark off his back. And since that message was sent, his body had been flooded with anxiety.
He barely managed to sleep through the night. Every time he closed his eyes to try to rest a bit, his mind turned into a labyrinth of possible scenarios and her responses –both good and bad.
He dreamed of her messages where she insulted him, told him she hated him, and that she never wanted to see him again for being such an idiot. He also dreamed of kind replies, accepting his apologies and willing to give him another chance. And he even dreamed of kissing her again once they were on good terms.
Then he would wake up anxious, breathing heavily, and upon turning on his phone screen, reality would hit him hard. The absence of those letters he so desperately wanted to see drilled into his chest. And so, the night turned into an endless succession of anxious thoughts, expectations, and, above all, disappointments.
His optimistic side wanted to think that she hadn't read it yet. He wanted to believe she had gone to bed early or that she was on a shift and hadn't checked her messages. Because knowing she saw it and decided to ignore him was even worse than any kind of response.
"Have you seen Sofia's unicorn?" It wasn't until Mark entered the cafeteria, bringing with him the cries of his daughter, that Derek became aware of the world around him.
"WAAAAAHH!" the little girl screamed at the top of her lungs, squirming in her father's arms.
"I thought you left her at daycare..." Derek muttered, grimacing after tasting his coffee. Maybe he had overdone it with the sugar, but he needed to stay awake during the workday.
"Yeah, but they called me because she's having a crying fit. Callie's in surgery and Arizona's at home looking for that damn unicorn. You know she can't fall asleep without that thing. Didn't you see it before you left? White, furry, with a pink tail..."
Derek shook his head, unable to focus on the chaos around him.
"I haven't seen it."
"Well, apparently Sofia isn't the only one who hasn't slept. What's wrong with you? Did you hook up with some nurse? I heard the pediatric ones were talking about you the other day," he teased with a sly laugh as he sat down next to him.
Derek rolled his eyes in annoyance and got up to throw away his coffee cup. He could hardly drink it even if he tried.
"Addison didn't reply."
"Well, that was a possibility," Mark said, handing the napkin holder to Sofia in hopes she would stop crying, but it didn't work. She just threw it on the floor in frustration. "Hey, kid!"
"I know, but it's just that..." the words clogged in his throat, as if his own anxiety was refusing to let him speak, "I feel stupid checking my phone every two seconds hoping she'll reply."
"WAAAAAHH!"
Mark laughed as he picked up the napkins from the floor.
"It's not funny," Derek complained.
"Of course it is. The head of neurosurgery crying in the corners because no one is replying to his text message."
"Screw you."
"WAAAHHH!"
"Derek, why is this the only topic of conversation we've had for over a week?" he said, equally irritated by the situation and the baby's screams ringing in his ears. "Why do you care so much about Addison? Why are you desperate like a horny teenager for a stupid message? Are you in love with her?"
"No."
"Do you wanna get back with her? Do you wanna be her partner again? Just say it!"
"No! I just want her to forgive me!"
"WAAAHH!"
"Then if you want her forgiveness so much, why don't you buy a damn plane ticket to Los Angeles and kneel in front of her, begging for forgiveness for being an idiot?"
"I'm not going to do that, it's ridiculous."
"True, your forte has never been apologies."
"Excuse me?"
"What hurts you right now is your pride. You can't stand that Addison's ignoring you or doesn't want anything to do with you. Because she's doing exactly what you did to Meredith last month. Or basically what you always do when you get angry."
"WAAAAAAAHHH!" Sofia continued crying, louder and louder.
"What are you talking about, Mark?"
"You fought with Meredith. You packed all your things and came to my apartment. You didn't answer her calls, and every time you see her in the halls, you hide. You think I don't notice you keep avoiding her?"
"I'm not avoiding her, our relationship is over, and I have nothing to talk to her about."
"Your relationship with Addison is over too, and you have nothing to talk to her about," Mark shot back, getting up from the table with Sofia.
~•~
"Addie, I'm sorry. I really am. Can I call you? I need to talk to you and explain."
Addison could still visualize in her head every little detail of that message as she was preparing to enter the operating room.
The moment she saw Derek disappear through the door of her room in Connecticut, she never thought he would come back to apologize. Well, he didn't technically come back. Sending a text was far from coming back, but the point was the same: Derek returned to apologize to her.
And that meant that, like her, he was still thinking about what had happened to the point of wanting to mend the situation. He still cared...
A part of her wished to suppress it, block his number, and close the door, making sure there was no turning back. She was still furious with him, and nothing he said would make her forgive him anyway.
But at the same time, that didn't eliminate the temptation to hear what he had to say. She wanted to know why he wanted to call her, what made him change his mind, or why, after ten days, he was still thinking about her. She had even hesitated a couple of times to call him, but the fact of reconnecting with Derek clashed with her intention to maintain her relationship with Sam.
And she chose Sam. That decision was already made. Being with him had been a huge sacrifice that put her friendship with Naomi on the line and ended her relationship with Pete. Both she and Sam had taken risks and bet on their love despite all the adversities. And she didn't want to throw away everything she had achieved with him.
But she also knew she had to tell Sam the truth, and...
"Dr. Montgomery," the anesthesiologist said, peering through the door of the operating room at St. Ambrose, "we're ready to start."
Isabelle, the patient she had been with the day before, had gone into labor earlier than expected. During the labor, the umbilical cord had prolapsed, and the fetus was in danger, so she needed to hurry to perform the C-section.
"I'll be there in a minute," she replied.
"Addison, you're really gonna do this? You're gonna harvest that baby's eggs?" Naomi asked as she entered the scrub room. Addison exhaled impatiently.
"That baby's gonna die. At least this way, Isabelle and Frank…"
"No, no," Naomi interrupted, "Just forget about them. They are blinded by their desire to become parents. A desire which they clearly do not understand."
"Who does understand it? It's some psychobiological impulse, that's hardwired into us," Addison said without looking at her while she washed her arms with antiseptic soap as fast as she could.
"Well, it's also a responsibility."
"That they seem fully prepared to accept. I mean, Nai, where…? Where is this coming from? You've devoted your whole life to helping women who can't conceive on their own conceive."
"No. This is different."
"It's experimental."
"No, this is Nazi Germany and Tuskegee all rolled into one."
"We are scientists trying to progress. They want a baby, we might be able to give them one. I can't talk right now; the fetus's heartbeat is..."
"By allowing them to treat the baby that they have now like it's already dead? Addison, you can't do this."
"I want to," she said, pulling her hands out of the water, careful not to touch anything that would contaminate her.
"Okay. For whom? Addison… you're grieving your mother and you desperately want a baby. And if you can help them, maybe, it means that down the road, you might get one too."
Addison's face hardened at that unfair insinuation.
"I know you're not questioning my judgment," she said in an annoyed tone. Naomi had no right to bring up those topics when she was about to go into surgery.
"Maybe I am. You've been questioning mine. There are lines that we shouldn't cross."
"Unless our teenage daughter becomes pregnant…" she said, turning around and heading to the operating room doorway where her team was waiting for her.
Naomi let out a surprised breath at her friend's unexpected passive-aggressive comment.
"When did I stop knowing you?" she murmured. But Addison didn't catch it.
~•~
During his first days in Seattle back in 2005, Derek clearly remembered ignoring every single one of Addison's persistent calls.
The sound of his Blackberry echoed every day and at all hours in the walls of the trailer, on his ferry rides, in his office, in the hospital corridors, and even in the operating room during surgery.
At that time, he had a melody that had been carefully chosen for her, paying homage to a song they used to listen to together during their dating years. But at that moment, that same song filled him with an inexplicable aversion, almost automatically pushing him to press the red button to ignore the call.
He was so angry with her that he didn't want to hear her voice again. He didn't want to hear explanations or apologies for what had happened that night. He didn't want her to know where he was, didn't want to risk her coming to find him and ruining the new life he was starting to build. He didn't want to see her again.
And she probably didn't want to know anything about him right now either. How could he expect her to respond after he had called her in the worst way, at the worst moment?
He didn't even have the right to be upset about not receiving a response from her all day.
"Well, problem solved," Mark said, walking into the apartment with a pink unicorn stuffed animal in his hands and Sofia hanging in the baby carrier.
"That doesn't even look like Sofia's," Derek raised an eyebrow.
"Same animal, same material, same size. She shouldn't notice the difference. Do you like the unicorn Daddy got you?" he asked, addressing the little one in a childish voice.
"There's a huge difference between the white and pink fur. I'm not trying to defend Arizona, but this toy looks nothing like the other one."
"Shhh, she's not as picky as you."
Sofia took the stuffed animal her father offered with her tiny hands and let out a little laugh of happiness.
"I told you she'd like it. Daddy knows his little girl, right, Little Miss?" Mark chuckled.
Derek gave a half-smile at the sight of the happy baby and walked over to the counter, where he had left his phone. He turned on the screen, and as expected, everything was just as it had been before. No new messages or missed calls in the inbox.
"Maybe she lost her phone at sea..." Mark said, in a failed attempt to cheer him up.
"I deserve it. I guess... I suppose that's how it was meant to end. I don't know why at some point I expected anything different."
"You know you can send her another message. Or call her."
Derek shook his head and sat down on the living room sofa. His expression was a mixture of pain and resignation.
"Damn. You fell in love with her..." Mark stated.
"Love infatuation works differently; I just want to..."
"That's exactly how love infatuation works," Mark interrupted, "you're in love with her. Stop denying it."
"Maybe I fell in love with her..." Derek repeated, admitting it for the first time.
"Then try again. Send her another message. Call her until she answers. If she doesn't, call Amelia or call her secretary. Do whatever it takes to contact her."
Derek shook his head at his friend's delirious optimism.
"She's with Sam. She has a life in Los Angeles... as much as I wish, it no longer makes sense to think about what could happen between us if she answers. Our lives no longer make sense together."
At that moment, the apartment doorbell rang unexpectedly. They both looked at each other, surprise etched on their faces.
"Can you...?" Mark asked, his voice fading as he adjusted Sofia in her high chair.
Derek nodded, feeling a slight pang of strangeness as he got up from the sofa. The clock read almost nine in the evening, a time they weren't expecting visitors. On Tuesdays, Sofia stayed with Mark, and Callie and Arizona usually didn't show up on the days he had her.
When he opened the door, he found Meredith in the hallway, her hair messy, still dressed in the scrubs that indicated her recent exit from the hospital. Through her misty eyes, Derek could see the sadness that reflected a difficult day, and before his mind could form a question, she broke the silence.
"I miss you, Derek," she murmured with a thread of voice that broke with the anguish she contained.
~•~
The day was coming to an end and Addison was on her way to practice with a distress that overflowed from her chest.
Minutes earlier, she had pronounced the death of Kira, Isabelle and Frank's baby, who had entered this world in the afternoon, only to leave after six hours.
"We're all gonna die," Cooper had said in the NICU. He was holding the little one in his arms. "We have no idea when. And they just… they say they wanna be parents, but parenting is more than onesies and bassinets. It's a lifelong commitment no matter how long or short that life is. They don't deserve her."
And that brief conversation with him made Addison realize that even the desire of that couple to become parents didn't give them the right to put a premature baby through such a painful and traumatic procedure. Because they were already parents. And part of parenthood was to love and accompany their children until the very last moment.
Even though they had refused to meet her, with Cooper's help, they took the incubator with the baby to Isabelle's room so she could spend the little time she would have left in her mother's arms. That was what was right, and what that baby deserved.
At first, they had been upset with Addison for her audacity because getting to know their daughter meant getting attached to her, and after that, beginning a grief they were not willing to experience again.
"You wanna be parents... here's your chance. You'll have to grieve anyway. There's nothing you can do about that. At least this way you'll know that you did the one thing you could..." she had said, carefully handing the little one to them and quickly exiting the room.
Her eyes had misted over and tears threatened to burst forth. Addison didn't want to show herself in such a vulnerable state in front of her patients, so she had taken refuge in the hospital's break room, silently, until she was called to declare the baby's death.
Now, she walked down the practice's corridors looking for Sam. She needed to finally put an end to that matter that was gnawing at her mind. She needed to do the right thing. She needed to talk to him and tell him the truth, even if it jeopardized the continuity of their relationship.
As she approached the office door, she heard Sam's voice on the other side. It sounded like he was in the middle of an argument. His tone was firm, almost tense, and she could make out fragments of words indicating he was in disagreement with someone who clearly was not a patient.
"Fife? Ahem. He's the, uh… the change you're looking for?" Sam said. "Because he basically just challenged me to a duel. Yeah, apparently, he's under the impression that I'm the only thing that's keeping you two apart. Which makes me think you're not being totally honest about us, Naomi."
A chill ran down Addison's spine at hearing her friend's name. For a moment, she was frozen. Naomi's response came quickly, her tone making her displeasure clear.
"But there is no us, Sam. Despite what happened, there's…"
Addison leaned against the doorframe, making a small noise, and Naomi turned toward her. Her expression of surprise revealed she hadn't expected to find her there. Sam, sitting at the desk, also displayed a mix of concern and guilt.
"Anything you guys wanna tell me?" she asked, her voice trembling.
"Not everything's about you, Addison," Naomi replied indignantly, raising her chin as if to assert her superiority.
"Did something happen between you two?" she asked again.
"You know what? Your boyfriend was my husband for seventeen years. He married me, I had his child. So unless you ever hit those milestones, my relationship with Sam will always trump yours."
"What's going on with you Naomi?" Sam asked, annoyed at the way his ex was addressing Addison.
"You know what? Here's what's going on. Maya and Olivia, they are my life. That's why I came back here. But… here isn't good for me. Here is just fraught with manipulation and cheating and… Sam, you basically offered to kill a man for Charlotte. And Pete lied about a patient's blindness. And a pregnant junkie came to St Ambrose and instead of helping her, we brought her baby. I mean, what…? That's not us, is it? I mean, I'm not perfect. I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I'm not. But since when do we do things like that? Just coming back here, I'm just not sure anymore. How far is too far for everyone? I'm sorry, I just… nothing feels right here anymore. I wish it did, but it just doesn't. I can't. I just can't be here."
Addison silently watched Sam. Her eyes were fixed on him as Naomi gathered her belongings and slipped on her coat with mechanical movements. The sound of the fabric scraping against her skin was almost deafening in the charged atmosphere that had settled in that room.
She noticed Sam staring at the floor, with a palpable mix of nervousness and fear in his expression, emotions she could clearly identify since they were so characteristic of her own experience. Yes, maybe she hadn't been married to him for seventeen years, and maybe she wasn't the mother of his daughter, but the way he was avoiding her could only be a result of what she was thinking.
"Did you sleep with Naomi?" she asked once they were alone.
Sam looked up, frozen, his eyes wide, hesitating at the bluntness of the question. His voice trembled as he tried to articulate a response.
"Addison... it's not what you think, I... Naomi... she's just tired, and…"
"I want you to answer that question. Because I want to believe that Naomi's exaggerated reaction to me wasn't just some foolishness. Did you or didn't you?" she said, dangerously increasing the intensity of her gaze.
Sam swallowed hard and, with an expression that was a mix of anguish and regret, tried to continue explaining himself.
"I… I'm sorry, Addison… It was…"
"Okay," she interrupted, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.
"It wasn't planned, we didn't even intend to do it. We're not seeing each other regularly, not at all. I have no feelings for her. It just happened once and…"
"Okay, I said. I don't need explanations," she said, offering a small smile of relief. Suddenly, the weight that had been pressing on her chest for all those days began to lift.
Sam looked at her, confused, unable to comprehend her reaction. He had just confessed to being unfaithful, and yet she seemed… happy?
"I guess it's easier to say this when we're both on equal footing, right?" she said, sitting on the couch next to Sam. There was a hint of bitter irony in her voice.
"Addison…"
"It's even funny, isn't it? It's always the exes… who can blame us? The familiar is comfortable. The familiar is easy…" and a dry laugh escaped her lips. Perhaps it was an attempt to lighten the atmosphere, but it only served to accentuate the discomfort of the situation.
"Listen, I know sarcasm is a way of dealing with bad news, but you're scaring me. Whatever it is you're thinking right now, it's not like that. I… I love you. And what happened with Naomi doesn't matter because I wanna be with you. I'm in love with you, Addison."
"Okay. I believe you. We're even."
"We're even?" Sam repeated, questioning the validity of what he had just heard.
"I slept with Derek," she pronounced as if it were the most ordinary thing in the world.
And without saying another word, Addison got up from the couch in a swift movement and left the office, leaving Sam with his mouth agape.