AN: I wanted to include this in a later chapter of "Retrograde" but can't find anywhere for it to go. It's more fun than the last one.

MADAME LA GUILLOTINE

a one-shot

Brighton, England, Sunday, October 19th, 2064

Clara had planned to enjoy a lazy Sunday before going back to work, preferably one where she would have a cooked breakfast made for her no earlier than noon. But instead, she was awoken at ten by a deafening, grinding sound coming from the garden. She immediately assumed the worst – that they were under siege by alien invaders – and by the time she reached the backdoor to see what was going on, she found she was half right. There were a couple of unruly aliens out there, but the house was certainly not under attack. The Doctor was watching as Jenny used a large, circular saw to cut apart a large length of lumber. They had quite an array of wood and tools out there in the garden. Clara, already developing a headache, picked up a pack of cigarettes and her lighter where she'd left them in the kitchen, and headed outside. Jenny immediately shut off the saw, sawdust covering the grass.

"What are you doing?" Clara asked. Jenny looked at the Doctor to supply an answer, and Clara crossed her arms, awaiting the explanation.

"We're building," she said.

"I can see that. What are you building, exactly, at this time in the morning on a Sunday?"

"It's ten!" the Doctor protested. Clara raised her eyebrows, still waiting for the answer.

"It's a guillotine," said Jenny eventually.

"It's-?" But they had been married a long time. Clara was used to these kinds of shenanigans by now. "Is that even legal? Should you maybe do it on the TARDIS?"

"I guess, but it's a nice day. We're in the midst of an Indian summer, Coo-Bear," said the Doctor. "I think it's legal. It's not for people."

"Then what is it for?"

"It's a learning aid."

"Sweetheart, I hate to tell you this, but teenagers count as people. You can't cut their heads off, either," said Clara sarcastically. The Doctor rolled her eyes.

"We're just going to use it to chop fruit."

"Will a knife not do?"

"Clara!" she protested, "It's about having style! It'll get the kids engaged with the French Revolution!"

"I… you can't take it to work, you know," she said, "You'll have to take a video or something. And hope nobody reports you. And where are you going to find a big enough blade?"

"I brought some from the ship," said Jenny, indicating a slab of metal leaning against the back of the house behind Clara, already sharpened to a point. Clara was alarmed.

"Why do you have that?"

"For smithing. It's leftover from the last time I made a new sword," said Jenny. Clara sighed and lit a cigarette; she could tell they were waiting to see whether she'd give permission for them to continue.

"Do you have any fruit?" she asked.

"Not yet. I was going to see if you would run out and get us some. It'll take us a few hours to do this, anyway," said the Doctor, "We've already got the blade, and that's the hardest part."

"You want me to leave the two of you alone to build a guillotine with an industrial saw?" she asked incredulously. In response, the Doctor gave Clara her best smile. "…Fine. But if the neighbours ask, tell them you're building a shed."

"The yard has a perception filter, don't worry," the Doctor brushed her off.

"Urgh. Fine. But only because she's here," Clara indicated Jenny, "Make no mistake, I do not trust you with those tools."

"Why do you think I'm using the saw?" said Jenny. The Doctor scoffed. Clara shook her head and turned to go back into the house but had another thought.

"And put a tarp down, or something, so we can actually eat the fruit when you're done executing it. I'm not wasting half a dozen watermelons."

"Absolutely!" the Doctor beamed.

"I'm taking Mattie with me," Clara called over her shoulder as she disappeared into the house. She picked up a dirty mug sitting next to the sink to use as an ashtray on the way, continuing to smoke as she went back upstairs. There was no way Mattie would be asleep with the noise of the saw. "Matilda!" she called up from the first-floor landing, waiting at the bottom of the attic stairs. She heard a bang and a few seconds later Mattie opened the door and stuck her head out.

"What's all the noise?" she asked. "Are you smoking in the house?"

"Yes," said Clara defensively, "It's my house. They're building a guillotine."

"What!? That's so cool! And you're just letting them?"

"Apparently… Do you want to come to the supermarket with me? They're sending me out to buy fruit to kill," she said. Mattie paused to think about this. "I'll buy you breakfast."

"…Alright. I'm not dressed yet, though."

"Neither am I. I'll see you downstairs in half an hour." Mattie shut the door and vanished behind it. Clara took another drag on her cigarette and sighed. Honestly, she thought, the things I do for love…

"One… two… three!"

Jenny released the winch and the steel blade came crashing down. It was only small (for a guillotine), standing at around six feet tall, but the grapefruit never stood a chance. It was chopped clean in half, falling apart onto a piece of plastic lain underneath the contraption on the grass.

"I think this might be my greatest achievement," said the Doctor.

"But I did nearly all of the work," said Jenny, picking up the two grapefruit halves. She handed the other half to her mother. Clara and Mattie stood nearby, watching; the Doctor had been right about the weather, it was baking hot for late October, and she would kill for a smoothie made out of all the fruit they were chopping apart.

"Well then, you're my greatest achievement, and you mostly built the guillotine, so by extension, the guillotine is also my greatest achievement."

"Whatever," Clara interrupted them, "Please do the melon next, I'm starving." The sky was orange with the sunset; it had taken them nearly the entire day to construct the guillotine. After taking a large bite from her half of the grapefruit, Jenny pulled the blade back up with the winch. She held it while Clara shoved the Canary melon into the stock – which definitely wasn't the best safety mechanism – and then let it go again. The bright yellow melon was split clean in half as well.

"How are you going to eat that?" asked Mattie as Clara picked up an entire half of the melon.

"Um… I'll fetch some forks. Keep an eye on them."

"Me?" asked Mattie. Clara nodded and briefly dipped into the kitchen, returning with the forks. Suffice it to say, eating an enormous lump of fruit with a fork wasn't the easiest thing to do, but Clara wasn't going to stop. She loved Canary melon. "Are you gonna build more death traps? Because I've been reading about how they make Saw, and do you know how many of those things are real?"

"Okay, you are not allowed near heavy machinery," said Clara.

"Jenny said she'll teach me how to make swords." Clara shot Jenny a look.

"I, um… when she's older. Much older. Maybe," said Jenny.

"So, Coo? Are you impressed? I told you building a guillotine in the garden was a great idea."

"I mean… there are definitely easier ways to make a fruit salad," said Clara, "But I suppose if you had fun, that's the main thing."

"And if people cross us, we can cut off their fingers," Jenny added. They all looked at her. "I'm joking… obviously…" Nobody was convinced. She took another bite out of her grapefruit. "I'm gonna go get the blender. So we can make smoothies." She went inside.

The Doctor made a start, trying to change the subject, "So! Smoothies! Hopefully without any fingers in them. Y'know, my favourite type of smoothie is one made with Ivinian dirt berries – they're a lot more appetising than they sound. And they glow bright pink. But it's actually a funny story about how I came across this recipe…" And they were lost in the Doctor's bizarre stories of alien fruit by the time Jenny returned with the blender.