Chapter 34

Calls for help

"Torao, how is he?"

"Not well."

Immediately, the straw hat boy glanced worryingly at the still unconscious body of his cook. He was lying on the bed of the infirmary of the Heart Pirates' submarine.

"But he'll get better, right?"

"I don't know. This kind of injury is not my department."

"What are you talking about?! Chopper said you could-

"I'm talking about his mental health, Straw Hat-ya. His body will recover. Between my skills and his natural resistance, I have no doubt about it. For the rest, I'm less optimistic."

Luffy stared at the other captain, disconcerted. He still remembered the terror he had felt when his crewmate's figure had disappeared because of the intense light from the explosion. Only Robin's arms had stopped him from rushing towards him at that moment and given his own weakness, he hadn't been able to resist her. As soon as the smoke had cleared a little though, he had moved towards him with unsteady steps. His gestures had been awkward because of the effort and fear.

He had discovered his cook covered in blood and dirt, his clothes torn and body still. The skin on his stomach had burned, probably as a result of the point of impact with the grenade, and Luffy had screamed the name of his doctor in a strangled voice. But Chopper wasn't there. He had gone to join Brook with Jinbei on the Sunny and the captain had no idea what to do to help his cook.

The rest of his crewmates had gathered around him then and Nami's tears had added to everyone's else's shock. Robin had suggested not moving Sanji so as not to aggravate his injuries and Franky had torn his shirt to make a compression on the blond's stomach. Usopp had fallen to his knees, still trying to understand how one man had been able to reach so many of them in such a short time. Zoro had only stared at the scene without moving.

Luffy had suddenly stood up despite his condition and blood had come out of his mouth, forcing him to cough violently. Immediately, the swordsman had come up to him and the straw hat boy had clung to his haramaki.

"Zoro, we n-need to find Torao. S-Sanji needs-needs help…" Blood was still dripping from his lips and his vision blurred for a second.

"You need help too," the fencer had pointed out.

"S-Sanji-

"He's on the other side of the island," Robin had said.

The young woman had opened her eyes and Luffy had nodded, trying to maintain his balance thanks to his first mate. "L-Let's go." Usopp had grimaced and Zoro had frowned.

"I'll help you then, Captain!"

Franky had grabbed the featherweight straw hat boy before rushing in the direction that the archaeologist had pointed out and it hadn't taken them long to find the surgeon. The man hadn't seemed happy to see them but he hadn't really balked when Luffy had thrown himself at his feet to beg him to save his cook. A pool of blood had been escaping the straw hat boy every time he had opened his mouth and Law had ended up sighing. A minute later, he had started operating on the blond in his infirmary after sending the other captain back to his own ship.

When Luffy had returned to the Sunny, Chopper had finished reconstituting Brook's neck bones under Jinbei's watchful gaze. Seeing the dull eyes of his captain, the little reindeer had understood that something serious had happened and the rest of his crewmates were quick to inform their last two friends of the details.

At that moment, Luffy would have liked to stay on deck to wait for news from the surgeon but Chopper had taken charge and ordered him to come and get treatment too. While Robin and Jinbei had assisted the doctor at Brook's bedside, Luffy had had his stomach washed before ingesting several soothing and disinfectant potions. The straw hat boy's entire digestive tract was damaged by the sea prism stone he had spat out and the cuts were deep. Chopper assumed that it would take him at least several days to fully recover and he had asked his captain not to move too much in the meantime. A few hours later though, he hadn't been able to stop him from getting up and leaving the ship again. Without news of Law and his cook, Luffy had left alone in search of answers.

And while he looked at his crewmate now, both relieved and confused by the other captain's words, the straw hat pirate finally looked up.

"What's wrong with Sanji?"

"First, I stopped several internal bleedings and stitched up a ruptured spleen. I have also treated burn injuries and he'll need several weeks before his skin heals. There were no fractures but there were multiple wounds."

Law checked his patient's vitals then turned back to his guest.

"Then I asked some questions to your crew members in order to understand the origin of his injuries and best assess the possible damage. And beyond his physical injuries, my conclusion is that your cook is trying to harm himself."

Luffy frowned at these words. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that the next time one of you is in danger, he'll expose himself again to protect you. And sooner or later, he'll end up achieving his goal. He'll die."

"What are you talking about?! Sanji doesn't wanna die!"

The surgeon looked up at the furious face of the other captain.

"I'm just telling you the facts, Straw Hat-ya. If you can't handle them, that's up to you. Nico Robin told me that he didn't react to her call while two others of your crewmates were ready to take care of this grenade much more safely. Furthermore, he didn't use the Raid Suit for protection, which would have spared him most of the damage he took. His only defense was his Color of Arms Haki but it's less effective."

Law put away his instruments under the angry gaze of his counterpart then.

"Your cook is probably putting himself in danger unconsciously but it's perfectly real," he continued. "How do you explain the reckless risks he had been taking for weeks now? You called me precisely so that I could show it to you and the consequence of his actions was immediate and ironic: he lost his taste and smell. What better way to hurt yourself when you're a cook?"

"Sanji couldn't know this would happen," the other pirate pointed out.

"True. But he didn't tell you he was wearing the Raid Suit and he was taking more and more risks. Something would have happened eventually."

At these words, the captain of the Straw Hat Pirates seemed to process the shock and Law finished cleaning his instruments.

"Why is he doing that, Torao?" He finally asked.

The man shrugged in return. "His past and family must have something to do with it. Your doctor seems to think that his identity is undermined because of the image the Raid Suit imposed on him and with his altered senses, that's a very plausible hypothesis."

"Sanji… is hurting himself because he can't cook like he used to?"

"It's not that simple but either way, what he always thought of himself had been diluted with the loss of his senses and the appearance of the character his family would have wanted him to be."

"And he does it without knowing it?"

The doctor nodded. "His anxiety is the visible symptom of an irreconcilable tension and it sometimes induces an underlying depressive state. Your cook cannot reconcile the two images he has of himself and even if all this is happening in his head, his suffering is authentic. This kind of uncontrolled endangerment can quite be interpreted as unconscious calls for help."

The straw hat boy took a few moments to think. "How about we explain all this to him?" He suggested. "It'll help him heal if he knows why he's like that, right?"

Law shook his head as he put his notes away. "It's an important step that will allow him to make sense of what he's experiencing, but it won't be enough."

Luffy stared at him and the surgeon sensed his incomprehension. He sighed then pushed back the drawer he had just opened. He then turned again towards the other captain and leaned against his desk. Between them, Sanji seemed to be sleeping peacefully.

"Knowing the path is not walking the path, Straw Hat-ya. Your cook is on a crest line and he has probably built his entire personality to resist what his family wanted to impose on him. He risks a total destruction of his identity. The splitting up anxiety is unbearable for the mind and it does everything to protect itself from it. If the suffering is too strong, either your cook will slide into a dissociative pathology like a split personality, or else he will fall apart. Either way, he may never again be the person you knew."

The Straw Hat Pirates captain's gaze immediately hardened in return. "That's not gonna happen. You said Sanji needs help so I'll help him."

Sanji slammed the submarine's infirmary door behind him, beyond furious. He heard Chopper's worried voice calling after him but ignored him. He jumped the railing of the first floor to reach the lower part with the intention of heading to the beach but the landing sent a jolt of pain throughout his stomach and he doubled over, panting and his vision blurred. He stood up as best he could and ran a hand over the bandage on his stomach, his teeth clenched. In the end, he approached the railing not far from him and clung to it to regain his strength, still angry.

Chopper and Luffy had come to talk to him when he had woken up a few minutes earlier and even if Law hadn't opened his mouth, he had still remained in the room, leaning against the wall of his infirmary. Sanji had initially been relieved to see that his captain was fine despite the impressive number of bandages that covered his body. He had also been pleased to learn that Brook was out of trouble.

After this good news, however, the conversation had completely derailed. What he had heard was light years away from what he had expected. Of course, he had known right away that the little reindeer wouldn't like knowing another of his crewmates was injured, but the cook had done it to save his captain. Why then had they talked to him about uncontrolled risk, unconscious suffering and identity disorder?

It was true that he hadn't used the Raid Suit but that was because he hadn't had it at the time. Yes, he had consciously left it on the Sunny when leaving because he wanted to learn to let go of it. Who could blame him? He was trying to reclaim his position as a cook, so he couldn't give Stealth Black the opportunity to reappear at any time. He didn't need this Raid Suit. He had been Blackleg Sanji long before he put on that suit and he had always managed to get by so why should he rely on him now?

Yes, he had heard Robin call him but he had been so focused on his desire to protect Luffy that he hadn't paid attention to her words. No, he hadn't seen that Franky had armed his arm and Usopp his kabuto to deflect the grenade. Either way, he wasn't sure that his crewmates would have had time to do anything. He had been the first to understand the threat so he had naturally taken action. This kind of decision was made in milliseconds. How could he have checked that someone else was in a better position than him at that moment?

Sanji couldn't believe it. When Zoro took his captain's place to endure his suffering, people sang his praises, but when he did the same, they called it a roundabout suicide attempt?! The Straw Hat Pirates regularly took risks, but that was what allowed them to win seemingly losing battles.

These words had particularly hurt him coming from Luffy. His captain was the first to rush head-on to challenge the strongest men and women in the world and his crew had often thought that their time had come on these occasions. But no one told Luffy that he had an unconscious tendency to put himself in danger to prove he could be helpful. He risked everything because this was how he could win everything and it was for this reason that the blond himself had chosen to follow him.

Why did Luffy regret that his cook had rushed between the grenade and him? That was his role. Since day one, Sanji had defended his captain's life so that he could get closer to his dream, so why did he blame him today? This reasoning seemed not only absurd but also perfectly unfair to him.

"Don't make the mistake of seeking refuge in anger."

Sanji turned around, his eyes flashing. A few steps away, the surgeon of death looked at him, his long sword against his shoulder. At least, neither Luffy nor Chopper had followed him, probably sensing that the blond needed to be alone. The cook knew that Trafalgar had tended to him but that didn't stop him from staring at his savior with contempt at that moment.

"Why not? Obviously, I'm not even good at protecting my own captain and I could barely feed him already. I'm sick, aren't I? I have an identity disorder and I'm unaware of my behavior so I might as well take the opportunity to do what I want!"

"Anger won't help you reassure yourself about your own value. On the contrary, it'll lock yourself in self-hatred and frustration. It'll put you in even more danger."

Sanji snorted at these words. "When it comes to giving up everything to die trying to get revenge, it's true that you know what you're talking about."

Not far from him, Law tensed up for a second before releasing the pressure on his sword. "Indeed, I do. Take it from me then."

"Still, it worked pretty well for you." The cook sharply continued, "You got a crew, a ship, you're one of the strongest pirates of your generation and the future Pirate King is crazy about you. Maybe I'd like a life like that too?"

"You'll have to learn to control your emotions then."

"Oh, and how? Maybe I could lock them up somewhere? I could also become like you, as friendly as a prison door? Or maybe I could become like my brothers?!"

"About that. It'd be good for you to start accepting your past, for example."

"Stop telling me your fucking doctor bullshit!" The blond yelled, his face white with rage. "What the hell do you care anyway?! You only saved me because you know Luffy will owe you; don't make me believe you care about my condition!"

Sanji turned towards the sea, his teeth so clenched that pain wasn't far. His hands fiercely gripped the railing until his knuckles turned white around the metal, his eyes blurred with fury. He was so absorbed in the storm of his feelings that he didn't immediately notice that the surgeon hadn't left. On the contrary, he was leaning not far from him, his back to the railing.

"You're right. What I'm saying can't make sense to you, " Law admitted after a few moments. "And to answer your question, it's possible that I'm interested in your situation because it reminds me of mine some time ago and our previous conversation made me think. See it as a way to return the favor."

The blond looked up at these words, wary, but Law continued to observe his ship without really paying attention to him.

"When my only goal was to kill Doflamingo, I wouldn't have listened to anyone who suggested I accept my emotions or my past. The only fire that burned within me was the fire of my anger and revenge, that was what drove me and allowed me to stand upright."

"No kidding."

"However, I was wrong. I spent almost twenty years feeling nothing but anger, so much so that I now have a hard time feeling anything else, as you so well pointed out to me. Believe me, if I had the chance, I'd try to do differently."

"Why? You got everything you wanted," the cook reminded him.

"In a way. Doflamingo is out of the picture and my revenge is complete. But what do you think happens to relationships when you're unable to nourish or appreciate them? What do you think happens when someone gives you attention and you don't know how to act because you don't understand their purpose? What do you think is left when your anger has consumed everything? I'll tell you what's left. You're unable to relate so you're alone. Alone, even though that's exactly what you feared all your life."

Sanji stared at the other pirate whose calm gaze and relaxed posture were in complete contradiction with the sad reality of his words. He then sighed heavily. Despite his fury, he wasn't an idiot and he knew what the surgeon was trying to tell him. If he destroyed the relationships he had built because he didn't accept his weakness, he would be even more miserable.

"How did you get through it then?" He finally asked.

Law smiled. "I didn't. Eighteen years of reflexes are hard to erase. The only progress I made is that I'm aware of it now."

Sanji shook his head.

"I don't wanna be angry but… I feel so hurt," he admitted. "I did my best, I fought against myself to resume my role as a cook, I accepted the fact that I've lost my relationship with someone dear to me because of my past. All this to hear that I screwed up! That I didn't understand anything. That I'm on the wrong track. That I'm sick…" A shaky breath escaped him. "What's the point then? This… pain is unbearable and I don't know how to make it go away."

"This pain is precisely what you must face. Learn to recognize what is hidden there and you'll discover the key to your liberation."

"It seems simple when you say it like that but…"

Law shook his head. "Make no mistake, that's not simple. I'd rather fight Emperors than face this pain."

At these words, Sanji stared at him, jaded. "You really are a shitty doctor, Trafalgar. Do you always tell your patients they're not gonna make it?"

"First of all, you're not my patient. I only took care of you because your ship's doctor wasn't available. Then, I consider that knowing the truth is essential to prepare to face it. This process is long, difficult and particularly painful. You'll want to give up more often than once."

"Great…"

"However." The cook looked up at him and this time, Law met his gaze. "You have a major advantage. You're not alone."

"What are you thinking about, Zoro?"

The swordsman didn't answer immediately and he remained motionless, facing the sea. In front of him, the sun was setting towards the ocean and the straw hat boy sat down on the sand beside him. Zoro had settled a little away from the Sunny after Chopper and Luffy had gathered the crew earlier. They had told them that Sanji had woken up and was doing well but that he would stay a little longer on the Hearts submarine at his request. Faced with general incomprehension, the little reindeer had then explained what their cook was going through. And if the news had come as an additional shock to them, it also explained many things.

For his part, Zoro had settled for listening to the conversation without a word and as soon as the discussion was over, he had slipped away to the beach. Yet it hadn't taken long for his captain to join him and the swordsman wasn't surprised. Beyond his usual silence, Luffy must have noticed that he was disturbed.

"Did he really want to blow himself up?" He asked him after several minutes of silence.

"He didn't do it on purpose. It's because he's hurting… inside."

Zoro was almost sure that his captain didn't understand exactly what the two doctors had explained but just like him, he seemed to have grasped the essential, namely that Sanji was suffering enough to make an attempt on his life even if he didn't realize it. At this confirmation, the swordsman felt anger rising within him.

"He's been doing this since the beginning, ever since he boarded the Merry with us. He probably was even doing it before and we didn't see anything!"

"He needs help," Luffy said.

"He doesn't want help."

"Yes, he does. It's just that he's not well so he can't ask."

The fencer shook his head, his gaze hard. "He asked for my help the day we visited Trafalgar's submarine." His captain turned his head towards him at these words. "Really?"

"Yes. He told me he didn't know who he was anymore so I drove him to get back into cooking because he's a cook but it was a waste of time. Why would he throw himself on a grenade instead of telling me what's wrong?! I was there, I did what he asked but he still thinks he can do it alone! All that for this!"

Furious, the swordsman suddenly stuck his swords into the sand in front of him, brutally exhausted. He no longer knew whether he was angry with his crewmate or with himself. Maybe the cook hadn't told him because Zoro wasn't helping him enough. Or maybe Sanji never learned and made the same mistakes over and over again.

Finally, he sighed. At his side, Luffy was still watching the sea.

"If he asked you for help, it's because he knew you could do it. You can help Sanji, Zoro," his captain assured him after a moment.

"I don't think I can." The swordsman shook his head.

"Why?" Luffy wanted to know, puzzled.

"Because I don't understand him. I had the feeling he was going too fast. He wanted to cook all the time by himself again and I found it weird but, in the end… I just thought that it was a good sign, that he was getting better. I was wrong."

"We can't let him down, Zoro."

"I didn't say that. But I did my best and it didn't change anything. I don't see what more I can do. Chopper or Trafalgar are better placed than me to succeed. They're doctors, they understand this kind of stuff."

Luffy remained silent for a moment and the swordsman let his gaze wander over the ocean.

"I thought that…" Zoro then shook his head again, his hands clenched in the sand. "I don't know what I thought." He finally whispered, "But now I know I'm not the person he needs."

His captain didn't respond, visibly absorbed in his thoughts, and only the sound of the waves was heard for a moment.

"When we met Sanji on the restaurant boat, he was like that," the straw hat boy suddenly remembered.

"Eh? Like what?"

"He thought he should always stay with this old pirate because he saved him when he was little. He had decided that his dream would come second to his debt. Only, in his head, his debt could never be repaid so he didn't move."

Zoro raised an eyebrow. "What's the connection?"

"He's stuck the same way. We show him the path but he doesn't wanna take it. It scares him. Torao said it'll be the hardest."

"He's scared? Of what?" His first mate wondered, more and more puzzled.

Luffy shrugged. "Of what he has always been scared of. Himself."

This is a dense chapter!

Of course, it's not a real psychological portrait, I just tried to organize knowledge for a character and a story. Zoro's in a difficult position too.

I hope the chapter convinced you anyway.

In the next one, we'll see what the crew is thinking.