Chapter 35

Through you

"What am I supposed to do?"

Sitting on the bed in the Sunny's infirmary, Sanji looked at the little reindeer who placed his stethoscope on his desk. The surgeon of death had done a good job and the cook of the Straw Hat crew's burns were healing quickly, as was his stomach wound.

The question had nothing to do with his body but with the much more important issue that the ship's doctor and his captain had raised when Sanji had woken up. After ruminating on his anger, the blond had stayed for a day in the Hearts submarine to take stock of the situation more calmly. His discussion with Law had helped him gain perspective and he had ended up returning to the Sunny an hour ago.

At that moment, the crew was in the galley eating breakfast and he had gathered his courage to find them, knowing that they were all here. He hadn't made a big speech. The cook knew that he had already apologized several times recently, assuring them that he would behave better. Each time though, he had sunk deeper into the abyss so his words hadn't much value anymore.

Sanji had decided that he had to take action now. He couldn't stay angry forever, not only because anger wouldn't make his problems go away, but also because he couldn't blame his crewmates for what was happening to him. It wasn't their fault and they even tried to help. The truth had been painful to hear but being angry with them would hurt him even more because their presence and friendship represented what he cherished most in the world. Without the crew by his side, what would happen to him? He would no longer have a reason to fight or even look for the All Blue. Sanji knew he wouldn't have the strength to recover for himself but for his crewmates, he was willing to try the impossible.

This is why as soon as breakfast was over, Chopper had found the blond in his infirmary and Sanji had explained his approach. The doctor had approved but he had also wanted to examine him first. Reassured, he then turned to his patient.

"What's your goal?"

"I wanna get better," the cook immediately replied. "I wanna solve this… identity problem or whatever. I can't continue to destabilize the crew with my stupid behavior, I'll do whatever it takes."

The reindeer looked at him for a moment. "You'll need to plunge back into your past to do so, are you ready for that?"

"Not really but my decision is made and I'll do it anyway. Just… I don't know where to start. Do I really need to tell someone about my entire childhood?" He asked uncomfortably.

"No, you don't. You can use other methods."

"Perfect. Let's do that."

Chopper nodded. "I'd like you to start by thinking about your self-perception then. What defines you. You need to be able to picture yourself so that you feel in possession of your own body."

"The representation I have of myself?" The blond took a moment to think. "Is this how I see myself?"

"Yes. It's a difficult exercise but it is necessary for you to reclaim your own uniqueness."

"Well… Zeff used to say that we had to be uncompromising about the quality of the cuisine and I think I have fully integrated this feature. At the same time, I also tend to be quite accommodating with most people I meet because not everyone can get it right the first time… I think I'm also… weird in a way? I mean, I have quite a few quirks that might seem surprising." He grimaced and then took a little time to focus before laughing nervously. "You were right, it's not an easy exercise. I don't know what to say…"

"It's not surprising and I let you speak so that you realize this is the heart of the problem." The little reindeer explained, "No one claims to possess specific qualities spontaneously, but you need to become conscious of the different sides of yourself to regain possession of your self-image."

"Any tips for me to do this?" His friend asked him hopefully.

"Sure. Ask those who know you best how they perceive you. For example, your first quality. This will surely allow you to form the most objective and complete image possible. I'm sure that some terms will surprise you and you can work on them in comparison with your own perception."

"Those who know me best… You mean the crew?"

"If you think so."

"That makes sense," the blond agreed. "I wouldn't trust anyone else anyway. But isn't that biased?" He then pointed out to him. "Just my qualities, that doesn't seem very realistic."

"You can add a flaw if you want to," the doctor suggested. "Also write down your goals and be as specific as possible. This will help you remember why you are making such efforts."

"Okay, that doesn't seem too complicated." The cook smiled, relieved.

"I'd also like you to respect a fairly strict schedule," Chopper added, jumping off his little stool to approach him.

"Which is?"

"I don't want you to make more than one meal a day entirely alone. For the others, I'd like one of us to be with you. Not to monitor you but rather so that you avoid focusing on your cooking. It's a very important part of your identity and with your altered senses, this is when you're most fragile. We don't need to cook. You can give us tasks to do or just chat."

"Okay… Even Luffy?"

"I guess we'll make an exception for him," Chopper admitted after a second. "He could be a sort of final test."

"Sounds good." His friend was amused.

"I want you to take time for yourself too." The little continued, "At least two hours a day. You can read, write, do sports, and relax. Whatever you want but not related to cooking or the Raid Suit."

"Two hours, eh…"

"I know it's restrictive but it is necessary."

"No, no… I'll manage."

"Another very important point: I don't want you to wear the Raid Suit anymore for now."

"Not at all?" The blond wondered, "Not even in case of danger?"

"No, your mental health is more important. We'll gradually reintroduce it as you feel better but for the moment, this outfit is too divisive."

"You're the doctor…"

"I am very serious, Sanji, I'll be really hard on you."

The cook raised his head, surprised by the blunt tone of the little reindeer, and Chopper stared straight into his eyes.

"Today, you risk your life and not just because we're pirates. I refuse to lose you and I'll do everything to make sure that doesn't happen, even if you have to hate me. I'll tie you to the mast to stop you from cooking if I have to. Is that clear?"

The blond stared at his friend for a moment, shocked, before a soft smile finally stretched his lips.

"I'm counting on you, Chopper." The doctor nodded firmly and Sanji stood up to grab a sheet of paper from his desk. "Okay, how about we start? You have to give me a flaw and a quality."

"A flaw and a quality?"

Sanji had seen Jinbei on the deck when he had come out of the infirmary and he had immediately headed towards him. The crew had chosen to stay on the small island for a few days, probably so that everyone could recover before resuming their journey, and Sanji intended to take advantage of it. Even here, in the heart of a tiny land lost on the Grand Line, their destiny had almost changed. So once at sea, the number of unforeseen events would only multiply. The blond wanted to move forward as quickly as possible and he had decided that by the end of the day, he would have seen all his crewmates. In addition, it gave him the opportunity to show them that he was taking the events seriously and tackling the task as he had promised.

Near the rudder, the Fish-Man was studying a map of underwater currents, but he folded it up to answer his crewmate.

"I don't know you much yet compared to the rest of the crew but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that you're a loyal person. You wouldn't be at Luffy's side if you weren't and that's to your credit."

"I suppose," the cook admitted as he wrote in the column provided for this purpose. "What about a flaw?"

"Sometimes, your choices are impulsive. It could be your instinct but it seems to me that they're most often guided by your emotions and this kind of decision can be dangerous," his friend answered honestly.

"Impulsive, huh… Okay. Thank you, Jinbei."

"Is this some kind of therapy?" Usopp asked, curious.

"Yeah, you could say that…"

The sniper was the first to help the blond in the galley and while Sanji prepared a quiche Lorraine, Usopp had sat behind the counter when the cook had asked him to dry the washed green salad. In doing so, Sanji had told him about the exercise that Chopper had asked him to do and his friend grabbed a cloth while he thought.

"Well, for your first quality, it's easy. You're someone who's very determined."

Facing him, Sanji raised an eyebrow and the sniper nodded while turning the salad. "I noticed it right away when you boarded with us. You never let yourself be influenced, no matter how dangerous what you're about to do or the people you face."

"Isn't that the problem today?" The blond pointed out, adding an egg to his preparation.

"I'm talking about your will and principles. You don't let yourself be impressed, you believe in your strength and that of others. I'd like to be like that too. It gives you some really inspiring courage."

Sanji stared at his friend for a moment, more touched than he wanted to show, before hiding it by whisking his cream more vigorously. "What about the flaw?"

"Uh… It's not easy…" Usopp bit his lip and the cook narrowed his eyes. "Hurry up. It's for my fucking therapy."

"Okay, so uh… There are times when you're somewhat… Um, how should I say it… Maybe you're kind of… short tempered?"

The sniper risked a glance at his crewmate who had put down his fork and was observing him attentively. Usopp swallowed.

"Short tempered?" Sanji repeated slowly.

"Only sometimes," his friend assured him, trying to put on a brave face.

"Really?"

"Actually, quite often…" The blond's gaze doubled in intensity on him and Usopp dropped his cloth to hide behind the counter. "You're the one who asked, I only answered!"

The cook looked at him for a moment longer before shaking his head and resuming his dish. "Fine, I get it."

Sanji turned away to put his quiche in the oven and the sniper grabbed the salad to carefully move towards the table while the meal was prepared.

"Um, that's a good idea."

In the afternoon, the cook had brought two drinks for the ladies sitting on the small beach facing the sea. The weather wasn't that good but it was still pleasant and the sand was warm under their bare feet.

"I think you're very considerate," Nami said, grabbing her tangerine juice.

"I am?" The blond wondered while he handed her glass to the archaeologist next to the navigator.

"Of course. You always take care of us. You make sure at all times that we have what we need, whether it's about food or drink but also tasks to do or our condition. It's very pleasant on a daily basis."

"Graciousness is in your every move towards those you appreciate," Robin agreed. "We can always count on you to be comforted after a hard day, whether by your attentive listening or one of these recipes you're so talented to make. You have a comforting presence."

"You flatter me, Robin-chan!"

"Regarding your main flaw, it seems obvious that you put our needs before yours," Nami continued as if nothing had happened. "You rarely enjoy the moments of relaxation and rest that we can grant ourselves. You prefer to make sure we're comfortable and you always find something to do to make yourself useful instead."

"It's because… nothing's too good for you," the cook tried to justify himself.

"For my part, I think that you tend to be too demanding of yourself," Robin said. "Perfection is an ideal that makes us grow, but if it becomes too great, it also becomes overwhelming. You never seem satisfied with anything about yourself. I'll say you're insatiable."

"Insatiable?" The blond repeated, surprised.

"In the sense that even the smoothest process cannot satisfy you when it comes to yourself while you're the first to praise others for their efforts," the young woman clarified while sipping her cocktail.

"Oh. I guess I'm a little picky about my expectations sometimes but I don't like to aim for anything other than the best…"

"These are your flaws," the redhead concluded, shrugging her shoulders.

"Thank you so much, my doves…"

"Easy! You're strong!"

"I seriously doubt that right now," the blond muttered. Still, he wrote down his captain's response. "What about my first flaw?"

Luffy scratched his head over his straw hat. Sanji had found him slumped on the figurehead when he had gotten back on board and after Luffy had swallowed his coconut juice, the blond had been able to ask him his question.

"Hmm, I think it's the same," Luffy finally replied.

Sanji looked up from his paper. "What do you mean it's the same?"

"Well, you're strong," his captain repeated.

"This is not a flaw," the cook pointed out.

"Of course it is! You can be strong for good and bad things!" He explained as if it was obvious.

In return, the blond blinked. "So my main quality is the same as my main flaw? I'm strong?"

"Yeah, that's exactly it!"

Sanji gave up trying to understand and grabbed his pen.

"Your kindness instantly struck me!" The musician praised him. "This altruism and dedication are so rare that they dazzle the world with their gentleness and selflessness! It is admirable!"

"Um, so what do I write… Kind?"

The cook had spotted Brook and Franky at the back of the Sunny practicing their instruments for a new song. He had then taken the opportunity to reach for his carefully folded sheet of paper from his jacket pocket and his friends had immediately seemed delighted by this initiative.

"Generous seems more appropriate", the skeleton replied after a moment of reflection. "The term encompasses both the charity and greatness of soul you show even towards your enemies!"

"Generous it is," the blond agreed. "What about you, Franky?"

"You're such a great guy it ain't easy but I think your first quality is your sensitive side, bro! It's so beautiful it makes me wanna cry!" The cyborg assured him.

"Sensitive? You sure?" The cook asked him, frankly surprised.

"Of course, bro! You can be pigheaded but you're the first to defend and understand everyone around you! That's why your emotions flow, the world touches you constantly and it's such a magnificent quality!" He sniffed.

"If you say so… And the flaw?"

"Ah, I'll say that you can be incredibly stubborn," the shipwright sighed. "When you've got an idea in your head, you can't shift…"

"You're not wrong," his friend admitted. "Brook?"

"Confusion sometimes clings to your steps like a snake wraps itself around its prey. Indecision then comes to shake the strongest convictions and doubt creeps in until it paralyzes all self-confidence," the skeleton replied.

"Is my flaw to be confused?" The cook asked to be sure.

"I would say it's your indecision. Since you don't trust yourself, you doubt your next actions."

"Indecision," his friend repeated. "Um, okay. Thanks guys."

"Oh yeah, I heard about it. Well, for your main flaw, it's easy: you're stupid."

Sanji stared at the swordsman he had found in the crow's nest. Night had fallen on the small island and dinner had been over for a while now, prompting everyone to go to bed. After tidying up his galley and taking stock of his first day with Chopper, Sanji had naturally headed towards the last member of the crew whose opinion he hadn't yet collected. He suspected that the discussion would be different from those he had had with his other companions but he still wanted to have the fencer's opinion, if only to fulfill his objective for the day.

"Seriously, I don't find it very comfortable either but Chopper said it'd help so I trust him. You can say whatever you want, go ahead. Be honest."

"I'm serious, moron." The swordsman grumbled, continuing to strengthen his right arm with his enormous dumbbell. "Your biggest flaw is that you're stupid and I've already told you."

Sanji considered his paper for a moment. "It's true that you already said it but I was expecting something more… specific." Zoro shrugged and the blond sighed. "Alright. And as for the quality, you think you'll be able to find one?"

The fencer sighed before putting down his dumbbell and then contemplating him for a moment, thoughtful. Uncomfortable, Sanji decided to give him some time and he kept busy by observing the crow's nest to avoid meeting his gaze.

After a few minutes though, he began to find the silence heavy and cleared his throat.

"It's okay if you-"

"Passionate."

"What?" The cook stared at his crewmate who looked back at him.

"In your galley, with the girls or the crew, when you fight. You're passionate. From my point of view, this is your greatest quality because you don't do anything half-assed."

The blond looked at him for a few more seconds, stunned, before quickly lowering his eyes, his cheeks red. He didn't know why, but this term in Zoro's mouth seemed abnormally romantic even though his description was very far from it.

"Okay, thanks. I won't bother you any longer."

The swordsman nodded and Sanji hurried back to the crow's nest hatch.

As soon as he was on the ground, he headed towards the library to review his first objective. Sitting down at a table, he pulled the paper he had filled in throughout the day out to examine it. On it were the qualities and flaws that his friends attributed to him and he added his own before reading them carefully.

Reliable - Think little of himself

Loyal - Impulsive

Determined - Short tempered

Considerate - Put others ahead of himself

Gracious - Insatiable

Strong - Strong

Generous - Indecisive

Sensitive - Stubborn

Passionate - Stupid

Good cook - Weak

Sanji frowned. It was strange. None of his friends had mentioned what he himself had written down and yet it seemed obvious to him. He could actually admit that his cooking was a strong point without any pretense. Even if he was weakened at the moment, he had perfected his art for many years and the satisfied faces he had seen over that time made him think that he could reasonably count himself as a good cook. Likewise, his weakness seemed apparent, if only because of the situation he was in today.

The blond sighed. As Chopper had predicted, the impression conveyed a gap between the way he perceived himself and that of his crewmates. And even though his first instinct was to think they were wrong about him, he trusted them. Looking more closely, some adjectives seemed appropriate but others left him sincerely doubtful or even downright disconcerted.

There was of course the fact that Luffy thought that his strength was both a quality and a flaw but also Brook's indecision or the insatiable side noted by Robin. Conversely, he wasn't too surprised to have heard Chopper talk about depreciation or Nami about this need to put others before himself. Sanji knew that these aspects were part of his personality and he had gotten used to them thinking that there was no real harm. He had simply accepted it as a logical continuation arising from real facts for the first and because it seemed that it made him happier for the second.

The fact that Franky thought he was sensitive was disturbing him the most. Reiju had used similar terms to describe him when remembering their mother when he had found her in the infirmary of the Whole Cake Island castle and the coincidence filled him with conflicting emotions: gratitude, apprehension, relief, anxiety. Being sensitive was proof that he was born differently from his brothers and that he belonged to the human world. Yet it was also the cornerstone of his torment and one of the reasons he suffered today.

On another note, Zoro's description disturbed him just as much. Sanji knew that his emotion was partly due to the fact that his feelings towards the swordsman were distorting his judgment though. Passion was indeed a term that he would have used to describe himself too but hearing it from the fencer was totally different. As if he had never considered that Zoro could see him that way.

Sanji forgot his list for a moment to focus on the objectives he wanted to achieve. He immediately wrote Feeling better and Stop causing problems to others. He then realized that it wasn't specific enough when Chopper had asked him to be. He twirled his pen to help himself think and ended up looking back at the paper.

When he put his pencil down a few seconds later, a small smile stretched his lips. Feeling comfortable in his galley again and Not being a burden for the crew were now bolded at the very top of his sheet. Sanji was sure of it; these were his priorities. All that remained was to work on it.

Do you agree with the crew about Sanji's qualities and flaws?

What would you have said to him?