Chapter 37

The path

While he whipped the cream that he would serve as dessert for lunch, Sanji listened to the melodious voice of the navigator describing their new destination. They would reach it the next day. It was a modest-sized island with lush valleys and steep mountains under the governance of a calm kingdom and Nami had been able to cross-reference data from previous islands to choose their next stopping place. After ten days spent at sea, just like his crewmates, the blond was looking forward to disembarking and his mind followed with delight the detailed descriptions of the young woman sitting at the galley table.

This entertainment was welcome to distract the cook of the Straw Hat Pirates. Indeed, the days passed methodically and his schedule was as regular as clockwork since the crew had returned to sea. This discipline was necessary for him not only to follow Chopper's recommendations but also to stay focused on his goals. He was then eager to discover new horizons in order to clear his mind.

Sanji grabbed the icing sugar and slowly added some to his preparation. The two hours a day that the little reindeer asked him to spend relaxing remained the most difficult and that's why his forced moments of rest were actually the busiest: he weeded the garden or cleaned the sails for Nami and Robin; he helped Franky and Usopp with their inventions; he fished with Luffy; he tried to meditate with Zoro; he recounted the medicines with Chopper; he listened to the singing exercises of Brook who had to work on his voice after the surgery he had undergone; he also listened to Jinbei's memories. Sanji still couldn't stay alone because his thoughts invariably brought him back to the galley and his constant worry of not being good enough so Chopper had allowed him to occupy his mind in another way.

Breakfast was also one of the most delicate moments. Up before everyone else, it was often the meal that the blond made alone but this moment when the entire day was revealed was that of his greatest anxieties. In ten days of crossing, he had experienced no less than three panic attacks, including a very severe one where he had preferred to go sit in the infirmary waiting for Chopper, convinced that he was about to faint. Since then, the little reindeer was giving him an infusion of soothing plants that Sanji took every morning, but he had yet to see convincing results.

The rest of the day was more peaceful. To his great surprise, Sanji had noticed that the hours when he made meals with his friends had become his favorites. Of course, he had categorically refused to let the ladies participate in the task but he loved hearing Robin's sweet voice reading her novels out loud while he cut his ingredients and Nami's enthusiastic description of the progress of her maps while a piece of meat or fish browned into the pan just like now.

The presence of the boys didn't give him the same peace but they still managed to distract him and Sanji was now always delighted to welcome one or the other of his friends into his den. Yet when Franky had cut the apples with a laser beam for the first time, the cook hadn't been pleased, but he had discovered that the cyborg was very precise and he now happily entrusted him with decorating the plates. Usopp, for his part, followed his instructions to the letter and was an effective assistant cook. Jinbei wasn't very talented but his knowledge of the sea and its inhabitants awakened the blond's ideas and some associations had even come to him, leaving him particularly moved. Chopper was taking advantage of these moments to help the blond create menus that didn't require too much effort and Brook often asked his opinion on melodies that were sometimes serene, sometimes cheerful. He then offered them to the rest of the crew depending on the occasion.

Sanji stopped whipping his cream and placed it in the fridge as its texture suited him. He grabbed several fruits for his salad then, continuing his train of thoughts. Surprisingly, Zoro's company had been the most uncomfortable at first, even though the cook had preferred his presence to all others a few days earlier. Their last conversation about the blond's list of qualities still lingered between them. Sanji had been touched by the swordsman's involvement and determination even if Zoro's attitude hadn't really surprised him.

What had made the silence heavy and the cook's gestures clumsy was nothing other than his own feelings towards the fencer and Sanji had done his best not to ruin his crewmate's attempts. He knew that what he felt distorted their relationship and he tended to feel in the spotlight whenever they were alone. In addition, the swordsman always spoke very frankly, which destabilized the blond. For example, Zoro hadn't hesitated to ask him if he had found a quality as soon as he had come in to help with the meal four days earlier.

Fortunately, his straight talk also helped the blond to relax and after two or three painfully true remarks, Sanji relaxed enough to appreciate the presence of his crewmate. He had actually really thought about a quality that he could attribute to himself in all sincerity but as he has admitted to the reproving face of the swordsman, he hadn't found it yet.

Sanji had also noticed during one of his conversations with the swordsman that he now interpreted the qualities that his friends had given him as potential flaws and this finding had worried him. If he even distorted what his crewmates said about him, he wasn't about to change his perception of himself, let alone get better. So he hadn't waited long to go find Chopper and explain his problem, convinced that he was regressing despite his efforts.

As soon as he was in the infirmary, Sanji had explained that he perceived the thoughtfulness or generosity pointed out by Nami and Brook as a selfish act on his part since they allowed him to feel better without knowing if those who benefited from it really appreciated it. He also admitted that the loyalty described by Jinbei was reminiscent of his fear of being alone and the determination that Usopp had noted probably masked his anxiety at the idea of not succeeding in what he was doing. The sensitive side noted by Franky was the most ambiguous according to him because his emotions pushed him to make irrational decisions which had led him where he was today. How could it be a quality then?

The little reindeer had listened attentively before smiling reassuringly and Sanji had stared at him, confused. Chopper had then explained that this exercise was designed precisely to make him think about his self-image so that he becomes aware of how he was acting before being able to modify his behavior.

About this, the blond couldn't deny that this work was a success. Not only did it make him realize the way he perceived and thought about himself, but he also offered him the possibility of distancing himself from it thanks to the fact that he had written it. Chopper had then encouraged him to continue thinking about it regularly by writing down the emotions associated with his ideas and the cook now contemplated his list of words every evening in the library.

Sanji had been quick to notice that his thoughts often referred to the same emotion that he knew particularly well. Guilt. And he couldn't believe how much his entire current personality was linked to his past. His entire way of thinking seemed to have its roots in his childhood, whether because of what he had experienced or because he had built himself precisely in total opposition to these principles.

He was passionate? Probably because his love for cooking had saved him from madness. People found him kind? Definitely because his family had never offered him anything like that. He was devaluing himself all the time? Certainly because he had been told repeatedly that he was good for nothing. He was getting ahead of himself? What other option did he have to try to defend himself at the time?

Then he felt really bad and the guilt naturally came back to choke him. Because of who he was, because he hadn't been able to change the course of events, he could only blame himself today. Blinded by his fear, he had hit his captain. Horrified when thinking they could attack Zeff, he had preferred to go back on everything he had tried to become. Afraid at the idea of not being good enough, he had refused Zoro's love. Terrified by his incomprehensible behavior, he had wanted to stop himself from thinking. Lost in his own mind, he had tried to kill himself. Was this the result of his life?

Why did he have to be so disturbed that he perverted even the best things that had been given to him? Why couldn't he take advantage of the chance that Luffy had given him when he had freed him from his mental prison? Why did he keep locking himself in there somehow? Why did he need to sabotage himself by trampling on the most beautiful relationships he had built?

And why was he still caring for those who had hurt him? Why had he wanted to save the one who had precipitated the death of his mother, the only person to have truly loved him? Even after everything his biological family had put him through, he had never been able to abandon them. Wasn't this proof of his insanity and pathological behavior?

Sanji put his knife in the middle of the pieces of bananas spread out on his cutting board while Nami's light voice still reached him in the distance. He suddenly felt so tired. Tired of these questions exacerbating his anxieties and tired of this guilt which made his insides twist every minute of his existence since he was born. For everything he was and everything he wasn't. Today he wanted peace. Just for a moment, be in harmony with himself. Enjoy the present moment and the people around him, the very people he loved most in the world.

He wanted to put an end to his constant weakness but little Sanji was still screaming in pain inside him and he had never been able to stop his torment. He wanted to be strong and close his heart to this suffering. He would have wanted little Sanji to understand that he was going to grow up and that he wouldn't stay in this dungeon forever. He would have liked to tell him to make the right choices and not to let his past dominate him into his adult life. But yesterday as today, Sanji remembered these disappointments and shattered hopes perfectly. The child he had been had never had the strength to give up. He had done his best and he had always wanted to believe that he would eventually be accepted and loved. And how far had that taken him.

Until that day when Judge had told him the truth that he had refused to listen, even after seeing his father accept that his brothers beat him, even after he locked him up and pretended that he no longer existed. At that moment, Judge had asked him to spare him the shame of letting the world know that Sanji was his son. Because Sanji had been a burden since day one and he had never had the strength to be who everyone had hoped him to be.

Little Sanji's eyes had widened, the words crushing his heart more than any blow had ever managed to reach. Was it because he had cried so much and regretted being born who he was? Was it because he had begged to forgive him for everything he couldn't be and realized in that moment how in vain his prayers had been? Was it just that day that he had realized he had never been part of this family?

Either way, at this precise moment, something had broken in him. A part of him had gone out and the tears that had welled up in his eyes had conveyed his despair as much as the indescribable pain he had felt because of this loss. A gaping wound had nestled deep in his insides, a rift that he was condemned to bear until the end of his life, wherever he was and wherever he went, without the possibility of healing one day.

Maybe his father had never been able to bring himself to kill him physically, but his project had nevertheless been a real success. Indeed, that day, Vinsmoke Sanji had ceased to exist. That day, his already cracked identity was shattered.

"Sanji-kun?"

The blond jumped as he came out of his thoughts and realized that his fingers were gripping his knife so hard that it hurt. He gently unfolded his right hand then.

"Nami-san, can I ask you a question?"

He slowly turned towards her, discovering her worried face. The navigator had put down her map, probably aware that the cook hadn't listened to her for a while. She looked at him for a moment before meeting his gaze.

"Sure."

"I apologize in advance because I know this is a difficult memory for you but I'd like to know something about Arlong."

Nami nodded. "I'm listening."

Sanji kept his eyes fixed on his friend sitting across the room. Nami was surely the woman he admired most in the world, and not just because she was incredibly beautiful and smart. The navigator also possessed an exceptional quality that he himself dreamed of possessing. Something that he sorely lacked to move forward.

"How did you manage to forgive Jinbei when you learned of his connection to Arlong?"

The young woman shrugged her shoulders. "As I said at the time, Jinbei was in no way responsible for Arlong's actions. He wasn't the one who harmed me and he sincerely regretted what happened to me."

"How do we forgive those who have hurt us?" He then asked in a whisper. "I realize that I never put an end to their influence. Despite myself, my whole life has been drawn by their shadows and it hurts so… bad. I just want it to stop but I don't know how…"

Nami saw the cook lower his head and she got up to join him. When she reached him, she grabbed his hand.

"I haven't forgiven Arlong, Sanji."

The blond looked up and the navigator had a sad smile.

"Arlong has hurt me more than I can say and I don't think I can ever forgive him for what he did to me and the people of Cocoyashi. All those screams, all those tears, all that rage… I can never forget them. But, Sanji, if Arlong hadn't come into my life, I'd never have met Luffy or any of you. He made me who I am today and that, I don't regret."

Nami's face lit up with a genuine smile in front of him and the cook felt blinded by the confidence coming from his friend. He was unable to understand how the young woman had managed to transform her pain. Nami had such resilience and he would have given anything to have even a tenth of it. But he was too weak.

His guilt redoubled at this realization and the cook felt tears welling up in his eyes.

"Nami-san, I… I'm so sorry for what I did to Luffy. I'm so sorry for treating all of you the way I did and putting you through this today… I wish I didn't. I'm really sorry and I'm doing my best to get through it, I swear. It's just… so hard. I keep seeing those images in that field and-"

"Stop that."

The blond froze and Nami slipped into his arms, closing her eyes to give him a little of her warmth.

"Stop torturing yourself. I forgave you long ago. When I realized what made you react the way you did, I forgave you. Everyone forgave you, and Luffy first."

"I don't deserve it." The blond's voice was broken.

"Of course you do. You're our friend and you're part of the Straw Hat Crew, that's enough. It wasn't you who was talking that day, Sanji-kun."

The young woman looked up. The cook's eyes were full of tears.

"It was the child you were who said those things, I know it," she whispered. "The one who feared all his life those who had just found him." She wiped away the tear that had rolled down her crewmate's cheek then. "You can forgive them the day you forgive yourself, Sanji. The day you're not angry with yourself anymore."

The blond's eyes widened and the navigator nodded gently.

"I was able to forgive when I realized that this rage I felt was as much directed towards Arlong as towards myself. I was terrified because I was alone facing these monsters and I could do nothing against them. I felt so helpless and angry. Why couldn't I fight back? Why was I so weak? Why was it so unfair? When I answered these questions, I was freed."

"Why?" Sanji asked her, his throat tight, and Nami wiped another tear from his cheek with a tender gesture.

"Because I was only a child. I knew nothing about this world and its laws. Adults were kings and Fish-Men were gods. When you're a child, you can't defend yourself. There's nothing I could have done."

Facing her, Sanji closed his eyes and Nami felt her heart break at the sight of him.

"Sanji, you were just a child too," she whispered as tears began to flow down the cook's cheeks, "You need to forgive yourself. It wasn't your fault…"

At these words, the blond felt the sobs he was trying to contain overflow him and the navigator welcomed him against her when they escaped.

"But I've been so w-weak from the start!" He stammered against her shoulder, shaken with tears, "I thought I could be better and-and satisfy them but it was im-impossible! And then Z-Zeff and Luffy gave me a-a chance and I ruined it! They threatened Zeff and… it was like I never left them! I-I can't forgive myself, I… hit Lu-Luffy so hard and I wanted him to-to disappear, I… I couldn't let him get involved, I was… so s-scared!"

Nami only hugged him back.

"You and I always wanted to fight alone because we thought for a long time that we were. Luffy simply knew us better than we knew ourselves."

Sanji laughed through his tears and she let him cling on to her shoulders when his grief shook him again.

Nami remembered that on Fish-Man Island, Sanji had stood up for her against Jinbei. The blond had been surprised that she had forgiven him so quickly and now she understood why. She knew how much being a victim of barbarity at such a young age distorted all points of reference. The shock imprisoned the mind in shame and self-loathing even as the already all-powerful torturer became off-limits. She too had screamed in rage and pain at her helplessness and weakness. She had even tried to tear her skin off with a knife to better erase the proof that she had failed since day one.

Luffy had shown her the way. He had proven to her that she didn't have to carry the weight of the world alone because she was not. And over the months, she had drawn strength from her friends to realize it before finally recovering. Today, it was her turn to lead the way.

This chapter wasn't easy to write but I wanted Nami and Sanji to share this moment. Their relationship is often funny and gag-filled but they also have a real and sincere friendship.

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