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Chapter 38

In his eyes

"I can't believe we're in the same situation again!" On the verge of despair, Usopp began to sob against Chopper's shoulder. The doctor had taken his Heavy Point form and he gently patted his friend's back in return.

"It is true that these circumstances remind me of those we encountered on Fish-Man Island," Brook recalled in a light voice.

"What happened?" The little reindeer asked.

"We had taken King Neptune hostage after he tried to take us prisoner when we arrived in his castle. Unfortunately, that's also when Hordy invaded the palace," the skeleton replied.

"Oh, that's right. I was with Sanji at that time."

"Zoro, you always react too quickly!" The sniper reproached him while he turned towards the man.

"Eh? What did you want me to do? I wasn't gonna let him take me to a cell; Nami said we had to get back quickly!"

"She also said to keep a low profile and you failed that!" His crewmate reminded him sharply.

"It ain't my fault that idiot rushed in front of me with his sword! He shouldn't have been so weak!"

Usopp held his head in his hands while behind him, the King of the island, his son, their ministers and soldiers were all tied up in the throne room, their heads down.

When they had arrived a few hours earlier, the Straw Hat Pirates were optimistic. The navigator was relaxed because she had told her crewmates that their call was a calm and uneventful kingdom for years. The crew had planned to stock up quietly and even enjoy the mild spring weather of the place.

Food and cola supplies were still high, so everyone had quickly dispersed as they wished and the girls had headed towards the shops while Sanji and Luffy had wanted to walk around the island. The rest of the boys had gone their separate ways and if Franky and Jinbei had gone towards the port to admire the boats, Usopp, Brook, Chopper and Zoro had wandered randomly through the busy streets of the city.

While the swordsman had deviated from his course, attracted by a liquor merchant, he had come across a young man in armor. The guy had immediately threatened Zoro with his own sword, ordering the fencer to follow him without resisting but obviously, Zoro had ignored him. The swordsman had noticed that the young man was no match and he was more interested in the possibility of drinking than listening to him.

A few minutes later, he was surrounded by a horde of men dressed as knights and he was forced to fight back. The soldiers had flown through the air without any difficulty and when their leader had stepped forward, the previous young man, Zoro had almost rolled his eyes. He had knocked him out cleanly with the flat of his sword in a single movement and he had been about to resume his walk towards his initial goal when he had become aware of the inhabitants now gathered around him and staring with horror. One of them had even rushed towards the stunned young man, calling him by his title. A prince.

At that moment, Zoro had started to think that maybe he should have paid attention to what the man was saying and when Usopp, Brook and Chopper had arrived, attracted by the noise of the incident, the fencer hadn't been able to explain what had happened. The inhabitants had risen up around them but a single look from the swordsman had been enough to make them retreat. A swarm of new knights had turned up and this time, Usopp had insisted that Zoro not resort to violence. According to the sniper, the best thing was to clarify the situation directly to the castle and the soldiers had picked up their prince before leading the way while threatening them with their swords.

The negotiation had quickly ended when the King himself had tried to attack them upon discovering the body of his unconscious son and Zoro had been forced to defend himself once again. All the knights who had thrown themselves at him had changed nothing and Usopp, Brook and Chopper could only try to reason with them without success. Ultimately, the entire castle forces had been tied up with their two sovereigns, but not before raising the alarm throughout the kingdom, promising them huge troubles.

"We gotta go now!" Usopp exclaimed, "Their reinforcements will arrive soon!"

"If they're as weak as these, we can get rid of them easily," the swordsman pointed out.

"And why would we do such a thing?!" The sniper protested, "The goal was to have a peaceful day, not to send another troop of enemies after us!"

"We finish what we need to do and then we leave!" The fencer insisted.

"We're not gonna destroy an entire island just to finish our purchases," Chopper pointed out to him. "Besides, I don't like the idea of hurting these people, most of them are very nice!"

"The main issue would be that they tell the Marines our position," Brook chimed in.

"That's my point exactly; we gotta knock them all out and then get out! That way, they'll have no way of knowing where we're going!" The swordsman said.

"You don't want to occupy the island?" The King suddenly asked them, tears streaming down his cheeks since he had been defeated.

"Who would want to stay here?" Zoro groaned, "There's nothing that interesting."

"Why did you attack us then?" A soldier exclaimed.

"I didn't, it's him who attacked me suddenly!" The swordsman pointed to the Prince who had come to his senses and whose eyes were also overflowing with tears. "Don't lie, pirate! You were coming to invade our lands just as you said you would!"

Zoro rolled his eyes and Brook took a step forward. "Rest assured that we never intended to invade you! We only stopped on your island following the direction of our Tri-Log Pose and were planning to leave within a few days!" He assured them.

"Aren't you the Sorba Pirates?" A senior officer asked, his eyebrows furrowed.

"Who are the Sorba Pirates?" Chopper wondered.

"Lawless individuals who have been ravaging the surrounding islands for months," the sovereign replied while sniffing, "They sent us a message saying that they would soon send one of their crews to take over our island."

"And of course, you thought it was Zoro," Usopp sighed.

"How could he not be?!" The Prince protested, "He got off a black flag ship, he has swords, scars and a missing eye! By bringing down the captain, the entire crew will surrender!"

"Zoro isn't the captain," the little reindeer pointed out to him.

"Really? But these are the characteristic signs of piracy! Who is it then?!" The Prince wanted to know, stunned.

"Monkey D. Luffy, the future Pirate King!" The skeleton replied happily.

"Who is that?"

"A boy with a straw hat," Zoro clarified.

The prisoners shared a look, confused, and Usopp stared at them in disbelief. "Don't you have newspapers or something?! He brought down Kaïdo a few weeks ago, how could you have missed that?!"

"The name rings a bell," the King admitted after a moment.

The sniper ran a hand over his face and Zoro frowned. "How did you plan to beat these Sorba Pirates? You're far from being strong enough for an island in the New World."

The Prince blushed at these words while the King lowered his head. "It's true. We're lucky to have benefited from our reputation for decades and our kingdom has lived peaceful days ever since. Too peaceful. It's been three generations since no pirate dared to attack us but because of the change of era ahead, some are starting to try their luck and we have weakened somehow…"

"Somehow? Zoro stopped your entire army with just one of his swords!" Usopp reminded them.

"How have you managed to survive so far?" Chopper wanted to know, curious.

"My great-grandfather was extremely strong and the whole region feared him," the Prince admitted. "We never needed to learn how to fight or defend ourselves."

"And now you're so out of touch with reality that you attack randomly without having the slightest idea of your enemy's face," the swordsman grumbled.

"It is a pretty dangerous position," Brook noted.

"Because of my lack of anticipation and prudence, I'll lead all my subjects to their doom!" The King began to sob again.

"Father!" His son immediately tried to console him, "Don't worry, we'll find a solution!"

"Your Majesty, you're doing your best!" His soldiers encouraged him in turn.

At these words, Usopp exchanged a look with his crewmates before turning towards the sovereign still tied up in front of his throne. "If we help you get rid of these pirates, could you forget about this incident and not reveal our presence to the Marine?"

The matter was resolved faster than the sniper could have imagined. Indeed, the King was quick to accept his proposal, seeing no other way out of his problem and as luck would have it, Luffy and Sanji came across the pirates as they were walking along the shore. Unlike the leaders of this country, the Sorba crew read the newspapers and when they saw the straw hat boy on the sand, they turned around under full sail, convinced that the kingdom was under his protection. When Sanji assured Usopp that the problem was resolved, barely an hour had passed and this time, the freed prisoners cried gratefully in the arms of their saviors.

To show their gratitude, the King arranged a party that evening and although Luffy had been disappointed not to fight, he was delighted to discover many unique foods and drinks on the feast table. The kingdom was isolated due to its distorted reputation and the islanders had become self-sufficient in all areas because no one dared taking their wealth. It left the inhabitants quite rich. They had therefore developed a cuisine unknown to the outside world and specific construction techniques which they applied to their boats as well as their houses. The crew was captivated by the particular life of these inhabitants and their sovereigns, both generous and candid.

During the evening, Nami asked about the fabrics and clothing of the women of the island at length while Usopp, Franky and Jinbei bombarded the shipwrights and architects with questions. For their part, Robin and Chopper were interested in pharmacopeia and the King even opened the doors of his personal library to them. Brook immediately became friends with the court musicians and they regaled the guests with cheerful melodies and anecdotes related to their playing of various instruments. Luffy and Sanji were much more attracted by the recipes available and they had the opportunity to see the preparation of the meal in the royal kitchens before tasting them. For his part, Zoro accepted all the tastings from the alcohol merchant he had noticed before settling down at a table, all his bottles in his arms.

As the night progressed, Sanji walked around the castle before settling down a little further away. Leaning against a high rampart wall, he had a partial view of the inner courtyard where his friends were partying and their laughter reached him at the same time as the violin notes of the musicians led by Brook.

The blond finally sat down and took a cigarette out of his pocket. He lit it slowly. The spring air was soft and he closed his eyes, lulled by the joyful atmosphere below. As the days passed, he felt more and more tired. It wasn't surprising given the little rest he managed to grant himself each night, not counting the torments of his mind which assaulted him permanently. He intended to go straight to bed when the crew returned to the Sunny. Since he was falling asleep, he might be able to sleep for more than three hours.

He was stubbing out his cigarette butt when Zoro appeared on his left, the little reindeer perched on his shoulders.

"Sanji, you're here! I was looking for you!" The doctor rejoiced, jumping down to join him.

"What is it?" The cook wondered.

"I just wanted to know how your day and this first outing went!"

"Oh." The blond shrugged his shoulders. "It's okay, no particular changes. I'm just a little tired."

"Do you still have trouble sleeping?" The cook nodded and Chopper began to think. "The locals may know of other combinations of flowers and plants that will help you rest better; I'll ask them."

"Thank you, Chopper."

The ship's doctor was about to ask him more questions to make sure of his health when Luffy shouted the name of the little reindeer from the inner courtyard, his booming voice reaching them. Zoro and Sanji instantly turned to their crewmate whose eyes widened.

"Dessert! I need to hurry!"

Sanji smiled. In the kitchens of the palace, he had quickly spotted the huge millefeuille whose pastry cream had directly attracted the captain straight to it. Luffy had watched the layers of praline and vanilla follow one another, drooling, and his cook had pointed out that Chopper couldn't miss this treasure. The straw hat boy had obviously not forgotten.

Before rushing back towards the castle though, the little reindeer turned towards his patient. "We'll do a full review tomorrow morning but, in the meantime, if you feel anything unusual, let me know, okay?"

"Don't worry and enjoy your evening. I'm okay."

Chopper nodded before dashing towards the castle, leaving the swordsman and the cook alone. Sanji took out another cigarette and Zoro watched him use his lighter.

"I've seen you do better with hiding your condition."

The cook paused to stare at him, his eyebrows furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

"You told Chopper you were okay. You're lying," the fencer replied quietly.

"I'm not lying!" His crewmate replied, putting down his lighter with indignation, "I didn't have a panic attack this morning and I didn't bring the Raid Suit like he asked me to!"

"It means nothing. By the look on your face, it looks like you haven't slept in three days and instead of fooling around with the girls, you're holed up here alone. You didn't even try to discuss all those dishes they gave us to eat."

"Who told you I didn't do it when I visited the kitchens?" The blond pointed out.

"Did you?"

Sanji couldn't help but avert his gaze at those words. "A little. The cooks gave me recipes and asked me to taste some preparations but I couldn't so… I gave up." This time, he lit his cigarette and took a drag before gently blowing the smoke in front of him. "I'm just tired, I told Chopper." He continued, letting his gaze drift towards the party, "I didn't sleep all night yesterday."

"Why?"

"You know very well why. I often have nightmares and all this work to try to get better only stirs up what I'd like to bury; this isn't helping."

"So you're not okay, cook."

"I'm okay because I'm getting better," the blond repeated, his jaw clenched. "I follow Chopper's recommendations and review my list every day."

Zoro sat against the wall to his right and a small silence stretched between them for a few moments.

"You're lying to yourself to protect yourself and to protect us," the fencer finally said. "It's probably been a while since you've known what it means to be okay. You've learned to live without thinking about yourself and that's not something you're gonna change so easily."

The blond froze beside him and his crewmate just stared at the warm lights burning below.

"You're lying but I don't blame you. I know that lie doesn't define you. I see beyond. I know how hard it is for you to smile every day but you try. You do your best and that's all that matters."

Sanji released his breath and his cigarette between his fingers threatened to slip away. "It hurts," he whispered, "It hurts to look at yourself and see your past, to remember the pains you wanted to forget. It… really hurts, Zoro."

The blond ran a trembling hand over his face.

"The worst thing is looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself. It's so weird… I mean, I know it's me, my head thinks so but I don't feel it. It's like someone else is living instead of me most of the time…" The cook had a strangled laugh at these words. "Just hearing it, I know that what I'm saying is insane and yet, it's the truth… And I'm trying. I'm really trying. Sometimes I feel like I'm making progress but other times, I rather have the feeling of going backwards…"

"You can't resolve years of inner conflicts in a few days, cook. Be patient."

Sanji nodded, swallowing his emotion. He rested his head against the cold stone behind him and closed his eyes, letting his cigarette burn between his fingers. Slowly, calm came over him again and he felt himself slipping into sleep. He didn't want to resist. The presence of the swordsman was comforting and his muscles relaxed, fatigue stronger than ever.

Sanji quickly opened his eyes though and he fixed his gaze on his crewmate who was observing the castle. "Zoro, there's something I need to tell you. I tried to talk about it on the lagoon and I didn't have the courage to go through with it but I want you to know today."

The swordsman turned his head towards him and the cook forced himself to hold his gaze without moving his head. All he wanted to do was close his eyes and sleep for days, but the opportunity was too good to pass up. Maybe it was due to his state of semi-consciousness induced by exhaustion or the fruit of his work of the previous days, he didn't know. The reason didn't matter much anyway, only action counted. To get better, he had to win back some self-esteem and that included this discussion that he had put off for too long.

"Right before this whole Big Mom thing, when you made it clear that you wanted to… get more involved. I was touched by what you offered me. I didn't expect it and I even found that hard to believe at first but I quickly realized that it was true because you never leave anything to chance. It was because I realized that you were serious that I didn't know what to say and it took me a long time to understand why."

The cook smiles slightly at these words, examining his pale hands in the starlight. "It's funny when I think about it… I hate what's happening to me but at least, it allows me to better understand myself. And thanks to that, I know why I fled and why I was afraid."

The blond looked up and met the gaze of the swordsman still fixed on him.

"I was afraid of what you implied and what it'd entail. I wanted it too and I don't have to tell you that I've always been impatient to meet this… special someone that'd make my heart sing. I always thought it'd be a girl so maybe that's one of the reasons I was surprised but I know it's not the root cause. Actually… I think I was in love with the concept of love without even knowing what it really meant or what it'd demand of me in return. When I understood the commitment it represented, I couldn't help but tell myself I'd never be good enough."

Sanji clenched his hands together, now avoiding the swordsman's gaze. "I realize it now and I'm not looking for excuses; I just wanted to be honest. I should have been much sooner, you deserved it."

Zoro didn't answer and Sanji bit his lip before closing his eyes again, exhausted. The swordsman then sighed at his side, letting his head rest against the stone. "I'm the one who needs to apologize, cook."

The blond immediately opened his eyes again. Stunned, he stared at the fencer whose gaze was turned towards the stars.

"I saw it all," Zoro whispered after a few moments. "I saw the shadows take over you. I saw you keep all this suffering to yourself, push it away and act as if it didn't exist. I saw you drowning before my eyes and I didn't move. I let you sink."

"Don't say that, Zoro. You couldn't have known…"

"You're wrong; we're both to blame here," Zoro cut him short gently as he contemplated the black night sky. "Long before your family reappeared, I never wanted to see beyond what you wanted to show. You were good at hiding your pain and I was good at believing you. You always know what to say to hide what's really happening to you and I didn't look any further. I closed my eyes, I preferred to look the other way. I offered you something when I knew you weren't ready for it and when you left, it was easier to tell myself it wasn't my fault."

"You couldn't have known," the blond repeated, his throat tight. "Even I didn't know it. I was convinced that I was free…"

Zoro seemed to consider his answer for a moment before turning his head to look into his eyes. "I don't make that mistake today. I know who you are."

Sanji flinched and the swordsman didn't miss the tension in his eyes. He continued more gently then. "I know you don't see yourself as you are, but I know you. And I know you're still here. Sometimes…"

The fencer paused for a second and Sanji held onto his gaze.

"Sometimes, I see the one you were," he continued in a breath. "I hear… the thunder of anger rumbling in your voice. I recognize your will in the choices you make so as not to give in. I see this fire in the depths of your eyes. This passion has never completely stopped burning and it's probably only waiting for a sign to burn anew. I saw it on this lagoon, when you asked me what color would be the waters of the All Blue. For all these reasons, I know you're here, so close. And I know you'll come back."

Sanji felt the emotion cloud his eyes and he blinked slowly for several seconds. Zoro's words warmed his heart but he also felt terribly weary.

"Will I?" He whispered after a moment, "I feel so tired, Zoro. I'm using all my energy to get through this but I also have these emotions inside me that don't give me any respite. All this anger, these doubts, these fears… Sometimes I'd like to not feel anything to finally be at peace but then, what would that make of me? It's such a paradox… You were right, you know. Deep down, I'm terrified of being like them and if I become Stealth Black, I won't feel any emotion but that's not what I want."

Distress suddenly overwhelmed Sanji as he said these words and he sought the swordsman's gaze while his entire body tensed under the wave of anguish that came over him. "I don't wanna be a monster, Zoro. Promise me that if that happens, you'll do what it takes. Promise me!"

"That's not gonna happen, cook." The swordsman leaned down to move the blond hair that had fallen in front of the cook's eye to completely see his face. He felt his crewmate shudder at his touch then.

"How can you be so sure?" Sanji whispered, lost.

"I already knew it but I had confirmation when I saw your Haki for the first time."

"My Haki?"

"Your Observation Haki is probably the strongest in the crew," the fencer said. "You're not only becoming aware of the presence and strength of those around you, you also perceive their intentions, feelings and emotions. And since the Haki that we develop the most is a natural predisposition of our personality, I know that what defines you the most is your ability to feel."

At that moment, Zoro realized that his hand was still resting in his companion's hair and he slightly moved his fingers along his jaw.

"Your emotions are the very basis of who you are so you'll never lose them. You're most likely to go nuts because of them than to lose them." The swordsman let his hand fall to his side then and Sanji followed it with his gaze before slowly looking up.

"Is this really better?" He finally pointed out with a smile.

Zoro shrugged and the cook slowly relaxed. Still, his eyes remained clouded with sadness and exhaustion and the swordsman knew that the blond was at the end of his strength.

"You need to sleep. It'll be better tomorrow."

As if he was only waiting for his approval, Sanji closed his eyes. "I wanna believe you, mosshead," he whispered again, "I just need to rest. Just a little…"

The cook became silent and Zoro looked away towards the party which was still in full swing not far from them. He was getting lost in his thoughts when the blond's hand gently grabbed his arm.

"Stay with me."

The swordsman turned towards him but Sanji hadn't moved and Zoro observed his regular breathing despite his pale face. He remembered Robin's words about how loneliness probably weighed on their crewmate more than anything else, leaving him alone and exposed to his torments. Vulnerable.

Zoro grabbed his hand and squeezed it in return.

"Sleep, cook. I'll be right here."

Musical inspiration: In your eyes – The Weeknd & In your eyes – Robin Schulz