31st of March, 2024

AN: I'm sure people won't be happy about this, but on AO3, I decided to delete the body swap chapters; the bookend chapters, 617 and 630, are intact, but the actual short stories have been deleted. This is because of their massively inappropriate content and tonal dissonance. But I replaced those chapters with a little window into the future where Rose and Clara summarise the short stories. I've just realised that this also needs to be uploaded to FFN because it has a few hints/clues for "Heartbreaker" in Retrograde, though it's set in early March, between "Who's Afraid of Rose Tyler?" and "Moonwyrm". On AO3 this is also the first-ever appearance of Mattie, but of course, all of you here on FFN already know everything about her. Anyway, as some additional context for the remainder of "Heartbreaker", here it is.

DAY 18,870 - 3rd of March 2065

Future Shock

Another whopper of a cliff-hanger on Hazard Street left them all in shock, even as the credits began to glide by and Matilda prepared herself to steal the remote so that she could change the channel to sports coverage; Spurs' seven o'clock fixture against Leeds United just couldn't be missed, as they both jostled for position at the top of the league.

"Christ," Rose stared at the TV. "That really takes me back."

"What does?" asked Mattie, picking the remote up from the coffee table so that she could switch over.

"Erm, hold on," said Clara, sitting up in her chair. "Have you finished your homework?"

"Yes," said Mattie, "I've been doing it while you two have been watching these bloody soaps."

"And it's all done? Even the English? I know you have essay plans to work on this week," said Clara.

"Yes, it's done. Why do you think I'm lying to you?"

"Probably because you're a fifteen-year-old girl, Smudge. But, fine. Watch your match."

"It's not my fault that you don't appreciate the best sport in the world," said Mattie, finally switching over so she could get a look at the starting line-up for Tottenham. It made her wince; what a shambles. If they lost the match, she was in for a bevvy of texts from Jakub about Spurs' poor form ahead of Saturday's match against Brighton. "And you lie constantly, anyway," she told Clara without looking at her, "You're full of it."

"Hey!" said Clara.

"Mattie's right," said Rose, "You're an arsehole."

"She didn't call me an arsehole," said Clara. Rose frowned and looked over at her, curled up in the furthest armchair with her computer on her lap.

"Didn't she?" asked Rose.

"No."

"Oh. Sorry, Matilda."

"What're you apologising to me for?" said Mattie, eyes on the screen. "And what do you mean, it takes you back? To living on a spaceship with a bunch of manifests?" The premise of the soap opera Rose now watched religiously.

"That shapeshifter, Omar, losing control of his powers and getting stuck as his girlfriend," she explained. They'd have to tune in on Thursday to see if he managed to change back.

"Don't go bringing all that up," said Clara, shaking her head a little.

"What?" Mattie glanced between them.

"It – it was just a for a day, ages ago, during the Crash."

Mattie rolled her eyes. "All you two do is reminisce about that, as if nothing else has happened for fifty years."

"Yes, sweetheart," said Clara dryly. "I suppose we should just stop talking completely about anything that happened before you were born." Mattie glared at her. "And I'd really rather not relive that day."

"Why?" said Rose, "Because you told us all that awful story? What it was, Matts, is that this gizmo Oswin had found – a SAD, or something-"

"It was an S-A-I," said Clara, "A Shape Alteration Inducer."

"Whatever," Rose had sat up again now to talk to Mattie properly. "It made us all shapeshift to look like our partners. Everybody other than Donna because Shaun wasn't there."

"I've never understood that," said Mattie. "She just didn't see her husband for six months?"

"She saw him from time to time," said Rose dismissively. "Anyway, there's me, looking like the Tenth Doctor all day. Even Adam and Oswin were affected – although, in hindsight, I don't really know how that worked…"

"And what did you do as a man for a day?" Mattie asked Clara. "Wank yourself into a coma?"

Rose cackled, "She's done you, mate."

"Honestly," Clara shook her head. "I should go upstairs and get the Doctor down here, so that I have some backup."

"I don't think that'll go the way you think it will," said Rose. Clara scowled, but Rose was right; the Doctor made fun of her more than anybody.

"Nobody got up to any wanking that day, alright?" said Clara. "We just sat around in a circle and told each other stories. And the Doctors went off to try to deal with the thingamajig that was malfunctioning."

"Yeah, yeah," said Mattie, trying to listen to the commentary as they speculated about whether one of the centre-backs would be alright with his recent injury. "You told each other stories, fine. I'm sure that's way more interesting than the day when you all got caught up in the Salem witch trials."

"That was hilarious," said Rose. "They tried to execute Clara."

"That's because Jack told them all – a group of barmy Puritans – that I'd been humping his wife, which I hadn't," said Clara. "They didn't really like homosexuality in seventeenth-century Massachusetts."

"Really? I'd never've guessed," said Mattie dryly.

"And then we had to listen to him banging on about how much he fancies all the Doctors out of her mouth."

"What do you mean? Whose mouth?"

"Jack, through Jenny's mouth," said Clara, "This was before they broke up."

"You're wrong, anyway," said Rose, but she was talking to Clara again. "There was plenty of wanking. Oswin's story was entirely about that. Serial killer jizzing all over dead people."

"I'm pretty sure she made that up," said Clara.

"Sounds like her. And wasn't yours made up, too?"

"The one about the assaults? No. That was all true."

"Grim."

"Yeah, it was," said Clara with a sigh.

"What was the story about?" asked Mattie.

"I thought you were watching the football?" said Clara pointedly. Mattie said nothing, she just waited. "It was…" She stopped when they heard sirens. The curtains were still open and outside a police car went past, blazing its blues and twos, heading to the bottom of the road. "What do you think of that, then? Going to the Becketts again?"

"Could be going anywhere," said Mattie.

"It's a dead end, it can't be going anywhere," said Clara. "Haven't you heard anything? From Steph, maybe?"

"About what? Hannah Beckett's homelife? I couldn't care less. And I don't know why you want to gossip about it."

"It's the only interesting thing that happens round here," said Rose, slouching back down in the chair. "It's like a village sometimes."

"It's Brighton, it's not a bloody village," said Clara.

"Yeah, but it's not London."

"What were you saying, though?" Mattie implored, uninterested in Rose complaining, once again, about how much she didn't like being in Brighton – like she hadn't chosen to move in with them. "What was the story about?"

"Oh," said Clara. "It's nothing, just this… it was these boys, were being, um, violated, shall we say, while I was at uni. It was a nasty business. Someone went to prison over it."

"And then there was the one about someone sawing their own legs off," said Rose, shivering. "I'll never forgive Martha for that. I don't remember most of them, though. Didn't Adam Mitchell talk a load of bollocks about sleeping with a Victoria's Secret model?"

"No, he was friends with her, she was gay," said Clara. "I don't know if she's real, anyway; I asked him for her phone number about a hundred times, and he never gave it to me."

"I wonder why," said Mattie. "What about Amy? Was hers any good?"

"Something about… cocoons. Giant silkworms," said Rose. "I think. My memory's going."

"That's because you're a pensioner," said Mattie.

"Hilarious. River ran into a cult, Rory said something about all the time he spent hanging around with that box-"

"It was about an Irishwoman, wasn't it?" said Clara, "Sexy Irishwoman? Protesting the Vietnam War? Lesbian?"

"She murdered a bloke," said Rose. "Chopped his knob off."

"That's what I mean," said Clara, "Sexy."

"…Anyway," Rose wanted to move on from that as quickly as possible. "Mickey said something about the Slitheen, which is typical. Donna's was another nasty one about a home invasion. Jenny went on about some girl she shagged-"

"She didn't shag her," said Clara. "It was an alien serial killer. She had a load of bodies stashed under the floorboards. Jenny was trying to stop her, by way of seduction."

"What about Jack?" said Mattie.

"Spun us one about a ghost that killed a little girl."

"Is that what you were doing? Sitting around and telling each other the most appalling things you could think of?" said Mattie.

"Suppose so," said Clara.

"Sounds like a nightmare."

"You haven't heard about mine yet," said Rose. "It was about this bloke, Laurence Taylor, an ex-primary school teacher who found work making children's shows. Only, the creatures in the show – Bliblahs – were real aliens he'd encountered. He'd had his memory wiped but he still remembered it, subconsciously. They were so angry about it that they planted a bomb in his head and blew him up. Three kids left behind. That was when I was still in the other universe, working for Torchwood," she explained. Mattie stared at her.

"…I think I'd rather just watch Spurs play… maybe I'll get started on next week's chemistry equations." There was a tapping noise; the lobster was awake, swiping at the glass with his claw again. Clara leant away from the tank. "Do you need to feed him?"

"The Doctor's meant to do it. I don't want to be involved," said Clara.

"So, let me understand this," said Mattie. "The lot of you sat around and just said all those horrible things? Horrible stories?"

"It was just like that back then," said Rose.

"But why couldn't you tell nice stories?" asked Mattie.

"I've got a nice one for you," said Clara. "They're playing Leeds tonight, right?" she nodded at the television. "I shagged a Leeds United player once, on the under twenty-three squad, while I was at uni."

"Absolutely didn't want to know that," said Mattie.

"Who was it?" asked Rose, "Anyone famous?"

"No. Don't think he was a very good player, at the end of the day. Leo something-or-other."

"So, you telling us that was pointless, then?" said Rose.

"How was it pointless? I slept with him. It was fun, too; very energetic."

"Gross," said Mattie.

"Wait until I tell you the one about the Blackpool women's FC."

Mattie cringed, "I really don't want to hear about you getting your leg over an entire women's football club - I don't want to hear about any of that."

"Sex is very normal, Matilda," said Clara curtly.

"I'm not sure it is normal, the way you go on about it," she retorted.

"You wouldn't be here without it. Believe me, I remember when you were conceived; we were all there."

"Stop talking about my conception! How many times do I have to tell you?"

"When was that?" asked Rose.

"With all the dubstep," said Clara. Rose nodded.

"Oh, yeah. But - I don't think we were all there, were we? Nios and Esther weren't there. Don't think Sally was, either."

"I'm sure Esther had far better things to do; alphabetising the contents of Sally's kitchen cupboards again, or something," said Clara.

"Stop it," Mattie ordered them.

"Alright, alright; suit yourself..." said Clara, as if she'd done nothing wrong.

"Esther was probably just as bloody sick of you as I am," Mattie grumbled.

Her phone buzzed. A new message from Jakub whizzed onto the screen, containing only one word: Shocking. She clenched her jaw and quickly wrote back that with the second-best striker of the season on their team, there was no way their shoddy defence was going to be that much of a problem - even if she didn't quite believe it herself.

"…I'm gonna put the kettle on," Rose stood up and stretched. "Do you think the Doctor wants anything?"

"Go up and ask," Clara shrugged.

"Don't know if I can be bothered."

"You can teleport."

"Yeah. But I don't know if I can be bothered to teleport."

"Don't, then. But I'll have a tea if there's one going."

"Me, too," said Mattie, who'd stopped listening to them. Kick-off was going to begin very soon.

"Well. Always nice to share our memories with you, Matilda," said Rose.

"Uh-huh," she said vacantly, leaning towards the television.

"Teenagers," Rose headed into the kitchen, "They never change." Clara went back to her marking and Mattie waited anxiously for the starting whistle. The kettle rumbled in the next room. Rose came back and leant on the doorframe with her arms crossed. "You know what, though," she said, "That was right before, wasn't it?"

"Right before what?" asked Clara.

"Right before she arrived."

"Ravenwood?"

"No, obviously not her; your wife."