Chapter 44

Closer to the stars

"I didn't."

"That's what the Straw Hat crew said."

"I didn't ask him on a date. I just told him we would eat together."

"In private."

"As captains. To thank him for what he did for us." Shachi and Penguin exchanged glances while Law turned to his surprise guest who was fiddling with the new controls on the navigation console. "And I never said this dinner would be today," he growled at him.

"You said on the next island," Luffy replied.

"I said on the next island we'd choose to stop on at the same time," the Hearts captain corrected. Luffy tried to press a big red button and Bepo barely stopped him. "You also said it wasn't an invitation. Nami said it was an order so I came right away!"

Penguin and Shachi raised an eyebrow and Law ran a hand over his face to hide his red cheeks. "I didn't… Fine, if that's how it is, let's go right now," he decided while putting down his tools. "Let's get this over with."

"Awesome!" Luffy left the bear to jump in front of the surgeon, excited. "Where are we going? To the cheese restaurant?! What are we eating?!"

In response, Law teleported a dozen boxes his men had just brought back, as well as his nodachi, before creating another room around himself and the straw hat boy.

"Captain, it's our dinner!" Penguin pleaded.

"Too bad for you; you shouldn't have brought him back here. I'll be back in an hour or two." The next moment, the two men had disappeared under the indignant cries of the Heart Pirates crew.

"Aren't we going to the restaurant?" Luffy asked when Law walked away from the village.

"I already have our dinner," the other captain replied, showing him the boxes.

"I think I'll still be hungry but okay!" The straw hat boy rushed down the snow-covered dirt road that led up to the heart of the island among the pine trees. As he did so, he stormed past the doctor. "Where are we going?! Is there food over there?!"

Law decided to ignore him and continued to walk calmly while Luffy dashed from one tree to another, leaving his sandal prints all over the fresh snow. The surgeon frowned, his fingers absently tapping the hilt of his sword. He had absolutely not expected to see the straw hat boy so quickly or in these conditions. Instead, he had planned to carefully arrange their meeting, from the location on a precisely chosen island to their meal and even their topics of conversation. Absolute control of their schedule for total control of the situation.

But of course, nothing ever went as planned with the other pirate and he had hastily agreed because the suspicious looks from his crew were becoming hard to bear. Obviously, his men had no idea of the madness that had overtaken their captain and Law wouldn't hear the end of it if they figured out that he had really had the idea of a private meeting between Luffy and him. Not so much as a date, sure, but still.

Law had considered the words of the straw hat crew's cook. According to the blond, his captain would be ready to listen to him whatever he had to say about their relationship and the doctor had decided to gather his courage. Initially, he had challenged himself, if only to confirm that the straw hat boy was incapable of experiencing the same kind of feelings that Law had begun to develop despite himself. This way, he would have no regrets and he would no longer feel like he was shying away, which the cook had strongly implied.

Gradually, however, Law had changed his mind. He intended to prove that he wasn't just professing theories about his own past. The cook had questioned his advice and even though Law knew he had done so out of anger, his reaction had awakened something in him.

How long had it been since Law had stopped putting himself in danger regarding his own feelings and emotions? He had got back on his feet after putting an end to Doflamingo's career but apart from realizing his behavior, he had done nothing to reverse the trend. He had told the blond that he regretted his years fueled by hatred and revenge but the truth was that bathing in indifference was protective. At the other end of the emotional spectrum, the friendship of his crew was comfortable and he didn't have to do much to enjoy it because all his crewmates knew him by heart and never expected him to express openly. His actions spoke for him and everyone put up with it after all this time.

Law had told the Straw Hats' cook that he would have liked to open the door of the prison he had locked himself in but in reality, he hadn't really tried. He had never faced a relationship that would force him out of his routine. He preferred to look away and not let people get too close. Since he didn't feel comfortable in these circumstances, he liked to say that it was his personality and he had ended believing it.

So when the blond had thrown his arguments back in his face, Law had felt like he was hearing himself. They were both damaged by years of suffering and they both struggled with their fear of not being enough. They used radically different means to do this, but in the end, they expressed the same terror in front of their feelings. The blond was overflowing with emotions and pining for his crewmate but he didn't dare to accept it. For his part, Law had chosen the opposite solution, that of keeping the straw hat boy at bay to better prevent the trouble he was causing him.

The implication was the same: what if they didn't satisfy those they admired so much? What if Luffy had placed too many expectations and hopes on him? What if he realized his mistake and decided that the Heart captain wasn't worth it anymore? This risk might seem inevitable, a fair price to pay in compensation for the happiness that maybe awaited him, but Law knew that in his case as in that of the cook, this risk was heavy. Their worth as a person was already low and rejection would mean another dent in their self-esteem.

Law had told the blond that he would rather face Emperors than the reason for the pain nestled in his heart and he hadn't lied. But as he had also told him, it was the key to his release. What credibility would he have if he let Blackleg-ya face his fears while he cautiously stayed away to protect himself from them? As a doctor, this position was despicable. And as a human being, not taking his own advice was ridiculous.

The surgeon knew that neither of them would be able to move on if they didn't face reality sooner or later. To move forward, they needed to strengthen. Both destiny and the person they had chosen wouldn't settle for half measures. The captain of the Straw Hat Pirates, like his first mate, were aiming for an extraordinary goal and boldness was a quality that they had all decided to embrace by committing to a life of pirates on the most dangerous sea in the world. To prove themselves worthy of them, they needed to stop hesitating and retreating.

For his part, the cook hadn't wavered long after the warning he had received. He loved his crewmates so much that he had taken it upon himself to face them and admit his fragility. He had shown extraordinary courage and his efforts were paying off.

The surgeon had seen it on the small island. His movements were still uncertain but his smile was more present and his figure was less stiff. He had moved forward, he was better. He was on the right track and Law had been a little jealous before realizing that it was precisely the strength of his feelings for his friends that had connected the blond so quickly to life. Law had had another demonstration of the necessity of his own decision-making then. Luffy was reaching out to him and it was up to him to seize this opportunity. He wasn't alone either.

"Straw Hat-ya."

Luffy paused, a huge ball of snow in his arms, and turned towards the surgeon who pointed out the sky. It was overcast again.

"It's gonna snow. We'd better find a dry place to eat."

Sanji pushed the door to exit the aquarium before lighting a cigarette. The air was still crisp and it had snowed again a little earlier but now the sky was perfectly clear. He wrapped himself more tightly in his coat, the laughter of his friends echoing behind him.

As soon as they had returned to the Sunny, everyone had been hungry and they had hurriedly sat down. If Sanji, Nami, Zoro and Chopper had shared a cheese fondue, the rest of the crew had preferred to gather around a raclette. The owners of the small inn had provided them with all the equipment and ingredients to compensate for the fact that they no longer had tartiflette and the proposal had been unanimously approved.

After a while, the blond had felt the urge to smoke and while some of his friends were still grilling cheese, he had slipped away discreetly. Or maybe not so discreetly if he judged by the presence of the swordsman who had followed him outside and who was also observing the snow on the deck.

Inhaling on his cigarette butt, Sanji looked up at the starry sky. "I hope Luffy's date with Trafalgar goes well."

"There's no reason to worry, cook. You know the captain."

"True. It's just…" The blond shook his head, a smile on his lips, and Zoro looked at him questioningly. "I want it to work," the cook admitted. "For Luffy, of course, but for Law too. We've gotten to know each other lately and Chopper was right about some similarities. I know what he feels and he helped me see a little more clearly so I hope he'll talk to Luffy. If he dares, I have no doubt that it'll work for them. Luffy's like that, he'll understand."

"You think he's really interested then?" The swordsman said, surprised.

"He didn't tell me explicitly but I've figured it out and he didn't deny. He's just afraid to try because he'd feel vulnerable," the cook whispered. "Just like me," he added in a breath.

Zoro didn't answer, his gaze turned towards the sky, and the silence stretched between them for several minutes.

"Make a wish, cook."

The blond raised an eyebrow and the swordsman pointed to the shooting star that was falling on the horizon. Sanji smiled. He knew that Zoro didn't care about these kinds of beliefs but when their eyes met at that moment, the cook felt himself shiver despite his thick coat. He blew his smoke into the cold night and closed his eyes.

"I have a request."

Busy scraping the last box of tartiflette to try to collect the crumbs, Luffy raised his head towards the surgeon, his eyes wide.

The two captains had found a small recess of stones between the trees which protected them from the wind and snow. They had lit a fire and Luffy hadn't waited for his dish to be reheated to devour it. Without a word, Law had handed him his share, keeping only one box. He had eaten slowly while Luffy had sucked his own.

"A what?"

"A favor to ask you, if you prefer."

"Oh. No problem, I'm listening!"

Luffy placed the empty box at his feet and Law couldn't help but look away from his intense gaze. This was it. He had the full and undivided attention of the straw hat boy fixed on him so it was now or never. Right now. He might not have any other opportunities and he just needed to go for it. Yet no words came out of his mouth and the other captain ended up staring at him.

"Torao? Didn't you want to ask me something?"

The surgeon shook himself. "Yes, it's… a bit tricky," he admitted with a sigh.

"Oh. Kind of like when you wanna ask Nami for money?"

"No. Or maybe, I don't know."

Law was silent again and Luffy let the silence settle. He leaned back on his hands and looked up at the celestial vault. Between the pine branches weighed down by snow, the black sky was now star-studded and he observed them for a moment.

"Tell me what you want and I'll give it to you."

The surgeon froze at his side and Luffy even thought he saw him shiver despite the nearby fire.

"What I want," Law finally replied, amused. "Aren't you a little presumptuous? What if I asked you something impossible?"

"You can't. Whatever it is, I'll make it happen."

Law swallowed, feeling his heart beating a little faster in front of the intense gaze of the straw hat boy. Even if Luffy didn't look at him, in those moments, the doctor was sure that not even the gods of the Grand Line could oppose his will. In these conditions, who was he to try to resist him? He raised his head towards the stars in turn.

"My life has long been a series of tragedies. The people I loved most in the world were taken away from me when I was just a child and I made the wrong choices to try to contain my pain. I wanted the world to stop and disappear. I wanted the universe to swallow me up along with those it took from me. I wanted to die and my destiny was all mapped out but I ended up surviving. And each time, people died to save me. I was left alone and it wasn't so bad after all. It was in solitude that my pain was most bearable. It almost made me happy. Unfortunately, I no longer have that luxury."

At these words, Luffy turned his head to look him straight in the eyes. "If you want me to build you a world just for you, I will. And if you want no one but you to come in it, no one will. One word from you and I'll do it."

Law stared back. "Even if it really was what I wanted, how would you do something like that?"

"I don't know but I will. If you're happiest when you're alone, I'll make sure you're alone. I could build you an entire world! It's easy, when I think that's what makes you happy, nothing can stop me!"

The surgeon couldn't help but flush under the glowing gaze of the other captain. In the end, he cleared his throat. "Isn't that contradictory to your own happiness?" He pointed out. "If your feelings are as strong as you say, don't they want to oppose this decision?"

Luffy shrugged. "I'm happy if you're happy so that's fine with me. Even if I don't know how anyone can want to be alone. For me, it's worse than death."

Law nodded slowly, his gaze once again drawn to the sky that stretched endlessly above them. "That's why I no longer want to be alone. I was forced to be and I accepted it, even claimed it. I thought it was my salvation but I have walked this path for too long and I know its pitfalls. Even if it was a saving grace for me in the past, I want something else now."

"What do you want?"

"I just want to live. What's the point of surviving if I still behave as if I were dead? If I refuse the pains that life involves, I also deprive myself of its joys. I'm just not used to letting my emotions out. I've tamed them for a long time but locking them up doesn't make them disappear. I'd like to learn to recognize them now, maybe to appreciate them. And there is one in particular that intrigues me but I fear it could prove devastating. That's why I'm hesitant to let it bloom."

"Which one?" The straw hat boy asked, puzzled.

"Love." Luffy raised an eyebrow and the surgeon kept his eyes fixed on the stars. "You told me about your feelings for me. Would you be able to show me what love is, Straw Hat-ya?"

A silence greeted his question and, in the end, Law looked back at the other captain who was scratching his head.

"I don't know," Luffy finally admitted.

The doctor instantly tensed at these words and his hand tightened on the blade resting in his lap. "I see. So you're not so sure about what you feel actually," he replied after a moment. "Never mind, I was prepared for this eventuality. I suspected that these feelings wouldn't be so different from what you usually feel for everyone…"

"Of course it's different, there's no one like Torao!" The straw hat boy cut him off, "But I'm not sure it's this love you're looking for because it's mine and I don't know what the others are like. For example, Zoro and Sanji's ain't the same and neither is Vivi and Nami's. If you want to know what it is, you need to ask them too!"

Law took the time to absorb the information. "I wasn't thinking of exploring the broadest definition, but only your feelings," he then rephrased. "In this way, I could try to figure out mine. If that suits you, of course."

"Obviously, if that's what you want!"

The surgeon of death searched for words for a moment, destabilized by his honesty. "Well… I think there's a possibility that I might like your vision of things and given that my own feelings are… unstable about you, it seems to me that this would be an excellent method to test them. And then, in the event that-

The straw hat boy suddenly beamed at him and Law's heart skipped a beat. "You're worrying too much, Torao, stop thinking! It's easy, you'll see! You just have to let go!"

Seeing his radiant face, Law felt his throat dry up. "I want you to know what you're getting into, Straw Hat-ya. I don't think I'm ready for all these… affectionate gestures that you're so fond of. For now, I'd like us to keep some distance."

"Sure!"

Luffy continued to flood him with his huge smile and Law ended up looking away, as embarrassed as he was troubled. He then raised his head towards the stars which seemed brighter. He felt the adrenaline pulsing through his veins and a new emotion emerged within him. Impatience. Law couldn't wait to see what his future with Luffy had in store for him and for the first time in a long time, this excitement wasn't due to fear.

Musical inspiration: I want to know what love is - Foreigner

I love innocent and simple Luffy! We all need a Luffy in our life!

Next chapter is about Sanji - the one we love so much - and it's called 'in the wind'!