A steady, mechanical beeping sound formed a comfortless metronome in the background, as unconsciousness finally began to lose its grip over Olivia Benson.
The smells of sterility and bleach, and the sensation of unfamiliar fabric across her aching stomach broke the remaining link Liv had with the unconscious, and she slowly opened her eyes, wincing at the artificial light.
She was lying in an unfamiliar bed against the wall in the centre of the square hospital room, white walls broken only by the occasional poster and a window to her left overlooking the car park. Liv blinked tiredly and turned her head slowly to the left, where Amanda was sitting in a chair, tapping away at her phone. She felt groggy and sore, and incredibly nauseous, which was increased tenfold by the anxious uncertainty which was rising inside her. Liv swallowed thickly and tried to push herself up into a sitting position, wincing at the pain her actions caused to her lower ribs and the centre of her abdomen. Upon hearing Liv move, Amanda looked up from her phone and rose instantly from her seat.
"Hey, Liv" she breathed, smiling as she spoke. "Easy, easy" she encouraged, as Liv fought the pain she was in and battled to sit up in bed. "You're okay" she soothed, as she helped Liv to lie back against the pillows. Liv inhaled sharply and looked up at her friend with glassy eyes.
"Did I..." she began weakly, trailing off as her words caught in her throat. "Did I lose-?"
"No, hunny, no" Amanda said confidently, perching on the edge of Liv's bed and taking her hand, her gaze not wavering from hers. "The baby's fine, Liv" she assured her. Liv nodded slowly in acknowledgement, a curious combination of relief and fear overcoming her, as she pressed her hand to her mouth as she burst into tears. "It's alright" Amanda soothed, wrapping her arms around her Captain and holding her as she wept. "It's alright" she repeated.
Liv clamped her hand to her mouth and tried to stifle her cries, but once she started she could not stop, and she found herself sobbing in Amanda's arms. She was shocked, confused and utterly terrified. Finding out she was pregnant had been overwhelming and frightening, and the brief moment of excitement and awe which had forced its way through those emotions had been quickly suppressed by pain and blood. She felt so conflicted about this shocking news, and oscillated between feeling relieved the baby was safe and terrified that it existed. As she was coming to terms with her unexpected pregnancy and all the emotions and fears it caused, she found herself also thinking of the baby's father. A tryst which took place between two people who had hurt each other badly, one single night where the line they had danced for so long had been crossed so completely, and with consequences neither of them could have expected. She pictured Rafael Barba's face in her mind, his kind eyes and gentle smile, his voice asking her if she was alright as he took her hand. She was shocked by how desperately she wanted – needed - him now. She moved her hand from her mouth and leaned away from Amanda, forcing herself to suppress her thoughts and emotions as panic almost overwhelmed her completely.
Amanda leaned back and watched as Liv let out a slow, calming breath and wiped her eyes of tears.
"Sorry" Liv said weakly, shaking her head.
"You've got nothing to be sorry about" Amanda responded. Liv looked up and met her gaze.
"What... what time is it?" Liv asked.
"A little after ten" Amanda replied. "You were out for almost four hours" she advised. Liv's eyes widened slightly and she nodded absently in response.
"But everything's... everything's okay?" Liv asked, inhaling sharply and forcing back the tears which threatened to fall. Amanda nodded.
"Everything's fine" Amanda assured her, squeezing her hand as she spoke. "The baby's fine, the doctor's been checking on both of you every thirty minutes" she added gently. "The bleeding has stopped, and there's no evidence of any injury to the uterus, placenta or the baby" she added, speaking slowly as she reiterated the information she had been provided by the doctors. "You've got some deep tissue bruising to your abdomen, and three broken ribs" she explained. Liv nodded in understanding. "So you're gonna feel sore for a while" she said solemnly. Liv nodded absently. "I'm gonna get the doctor and let her know you're awake. Okay?"
"Yes" Liv replied, forcing a small smile. "Thanks, Amanda" she added, as the younger woman rose from the bed and walked out of the room.
Liv let out a long, deep breath in an attempt to calm herself. She certainly felt sore, but the debilitating cramping pain which she felt across her belly, sides and back was gone, replaced instead by a sensation which felt like mild menstrual cramps. She was wearing a hospital issue gown and what felt like an adult diaper, but she barely registered it, and instead did her best to retain what little composure she had left.
"Miss Benson?" came an unfamiliar voice from the doorway. Liv turned towards the sound and found herself looking at a pretty red-headed doctor in her mid-thirties. She had intelligent eyes and a reassuring demeanour. "Glad to have you back with us" she said warmly, before walking towards Liv and standing beside her. Amanda followed her in and stood protectively next to Liv. "I'm Dr Montague, OB-GYN" she explained.
"Hi" Liv said weakly, swallowing hard. "What... um... wh-what happened?" she asked. Dr Montague eased herself onto the edge of Liv's bed, her eyes never leaving hers.
"After your assault, you began to experience symptoms of what is known as a threatened miscarriage" Dr Montague explained gently. "The cramping pain and bleeding" she added. Liv nodded.
"But I haven't-"
"No" Dr Montague assured her. "No, Miss Benson, your baby is just fine" she smiled. Liv let in a staggered breath and nodded, the word baby replaying in her mind, and sounding unfamiliar to her. "As Dr McCarthy surmised, you're twelve weeks along" she explained. "There was no injury to the baby, and the uterus and placenta are unharmed and intact" she advised. "I've been checking on your both every thirty minutes" she assured her. "The bleeding has stopped, and your baby has a very strong heartbeat" she explained. Liv felt her eyes shine with tears, and despite her efforts to blink them back she could not.
"So it's... it's going to be okay?" she asked. Dr Montague offered her a reserved smile.
"Your baby is strong" Dr Montague said slowly. "But given your age, your pregnancy is considered to be high risk, and the injury you sustained was serious, especially in the first trimester" she added gently. Liv watched her closely and nodded in understanding as she spoke. "Although the bleeding has stopped, and your baby appears healthy and unharmed, I would like to monitor you closely for the next six hours or so" she explained. Liv stiffened slightly but nodded in agreement. "Whilst your condition has improved significantly, I cannot guarantee that you won't miscarry" she said quietly. "But the bleeding stopped over four hours ago, which is very reassuring" she advised. "Most miscarriages take place in the first twelve weeks, and you made it through that" she smiled. "But I want you to stay here for a while, so I can keep an eye on you both" she reiterated.
"I understand" Liv replied, ignoring the knot that was forming in the pit of her stomach. Dr McCarthy nodded.
"As I believe your friend explained, you also have three broken ribs and deep tissue bruising to your abdomen, as well as external bruising" Dr McCarthy advised. "Normally we'd prescribe morphine or oxytocin, but given your pregnancy that's not an option" she added apologetically. "All we can really give you is Tylenol" she added. Liv nodded.
"That's fine" Liv breathed. Dr McCarthy offered her a small smile.
"Can you describe your pain for me?" she asked gently. Liv considered the question for a moment.
"It's much better than it was" Liv replied. "Before it was really painful cramping, but now it's like mild menstrual cramps" she added. "I just ache more than anything" she advised. Dr McCarthy nodded.
"That will be the bruising and broken ribs" she explained. "I'm afraid it will take several weeks to fully recover" she added. Liv nodded in response.
"So what happens after six hours?" Liv asked curiously.
"Provided your pain remains manageable, and there is no more bleeding, I can discharge you" Dr McCarthy responded tentatively. "Ideally I would prefer to keep you in overnight-"
"No, I... I can't, I'm sorry-"
"Amanda said that was likely" Dr McCarthy said gently. "I can discharge you at around four o'clock, provided your condition does not deteriorate" she continued. "I want you to rest this weekend, and then call your OB-GYN on Monday morning and make an emergency appointment" she advised. "I've updated your records with all the details, so he or she will have everything they need."
"Thank you" Liv said quietly.
"But if you feel worse, or you start bleeding" Dr McCarthy continued, pausing as she noticed Liv inhale sharply. "I want you to come to hospital immediately. Okay?"
"Yes" Liv replied. "Yes, I will" she assured her. Dr McCarthy nodded.
"Before I leave you to get some rest, there is one more thing" Dr McCarthy said softly, opening a manilla file she was holding, as stroked a lock of hair behind her ear. She looked up just as the doctor removed a small black square from the file and offered it to her. Liv accepted it and glanced down instinctively, her breath catching in her throat as she stared at the ultrasound image of her unborn child. "I wanted you to have this" she said kindly, watching as Liv stared at the image, mesmerised.
"Thank you" Liv said quietly, forcing a tearful smile. Dr McCarthy nodded.
"Get some rest" she encouraged, before rising from the bed and slowly walking out of the room. When the door closed behind her, Amanda perched herself on the bed next to Liv once more.
"Are you okay?" Amanda asked quietly.
Liv stared at the ultrasound image for a few moments longer, her eyes tracing the shape of the baby which was growing inside her body. It looked so fragile and delicate, even more so on this thin sheet of paper than it did in her mind. She was still shocked and completely overwhelmed by the news, but staring at the image made it feel very, very real. Liv put the ultrasound picture on her bedside table and looked up at Amanda.
"I'm fine" she lied, forcing a smile. "Thank you for staying with me" she added. Amanda nodded.
"Of course" she replied. Liv swallowed thickly.
"Did you..." Liv began nervously. "Did you tell the squad that-"
"No" Amanda assured her. "I told 'em that you had some broken ribs, deep tissue bruising and bleeding – which they will assume is internal" she added hastily. Liv let out a breath of relief and nodded. Although she did not want to lie to or mislead her team, the alternative was impossible.
"Thank you" Liv said sincerely. Amanda offered her a weak smile.
"Liv, is... is there anyone I can call for you?" she asked. Liv felt suddenly overwhelmed with sadness.
"You mean the father?" she replied knowingly, looking up at Amanda with tear-filled eyes. Saying the word out loud caused guilt and panic to rise within her, as she desperately tried to ignore the strong desire she had to call Rafa. He always knew how to comfort her, to reach her when she couldn't even find herself. He was one of the few people she allowed herself to be vulnerable with, and she had never felt more vulnerable than she did now. She shook her head. "I can't" she whispered, to herself more than Amanda. The prospect of telling him was daunting and terrifying, and far too much for her to handle right now. Besides, in a few hours' time, there might not be anything to tell him.
"What do you mean you can't?" Amanda asked softly. Liv inhaled sharply and shook her head, wiping her eyes once more as she tried to regain her composure.
"I can't" Liv repeated weakly, shaking her head. Amanda edged a little closer to Liv and took her hand. Liv felt her resolve falter.
"Because you don't want to, or because you're afraid to?" Amanda coaxed. Liv's bottom lip trembled and she swallowed hard. "If you want him here, to be with you-"
"Why, so he can watch me have a misc-?" Liv faltered and placed a trembling hand to her mouth. Amanda placed a comforting hand upon her shoulder. "No" she added resolutely. "No, I can't. It would be cruel" she said, an air of finality in her tone, despite the emotion in her voice.
"You don't know that's gonna happen" Amanda said softly. "The doctor said that your condition has improved, and the baby is strong, and-"
"She also said I could have a miscarriage" Liv interrupted. "And that this pregnancy was already high risk, the injury was serious and the bleeding could start again at any time" she continued. "There's probably not going to be a ba-" Liv's voice broke and she let in a sharp breath, her head aching from the emotional exhaustion of crying. "No" added, shaking her head as she spoke. "No, I'm not gonna do that to him" she continued, staring at her lap. "I can't."
"Alright" Amanda conceded, squeezing Liv's hand gently. "I'm sorry, Liv, I didn't mean to upset you" she added apologetically. Liv forced a small smile and shook her head.
"You didn't" Liv breathed, leaning back against the pillows, exhausted. "I'm sorry, this is just... it's a lot" she explained. Amanda nodded.
"I know, I do. I understand" Amanda assured her. Liv looked up at her with tired and tearful eyes.
"So what's happening with DiAngelo?" asked Liv, desperate to change the subject. Amanda stared at her for a moment before responding.
"He's been interviewed now by Fin, Carisi's there too" Amanda advised. "He's lawyered up" she added. Liv nodded slowly in response.
"Amanda, could you do something for me, please?" Liv asked, her voice quiet and haunted.
"Sure, Liv. Anything" she replied gently. Liv ran her hand through her hair and let out a slow breath.
"Could you go back to the squad room and get my work laptop, and bring it over to me?" Liv asked. Amanda frowned in confusion.
"Liv, you need to rest..." she began gently.
"I know, and I will, I just..." Liv began, her voice breaking slightly as she spoke. "I can't just sit here for six hours and think about... about what might happen" she explained. "I need to be distracted, from this, from all of this" she continued. "The best thing I can do to relax is to work on the case" she stated. Amanda considered her words for a moment before responding.
"I get it" Amanda assured her, offering her a weak smile. "Okay" she added, somewhat reluctantly, before easing herself off Liv's bed and grabbing her jacket from the back of the chair. "Is there anything else I can get for you?"
"No" Liv said quietly. "No, thank you, I..." she continued, tears filling her eyes once more. "I just want to be alone" she breathed, her voice barely a whisper. Amanda looked at her with a combination of worry and sadness, before nodding in defeat and offering her a weak smile.
"I'll be back in an hour" she assured her.
Liv nodded absently in response, leaning back against her pillows as she listened to the door close behind Amanda, before promptly bursting into tears.