Scene 1
(Fade in on sky just above view of part of NYC. Pan down to sewer entrance. Dissolve inside the turtles' lair.)
RAPHAEL (VO)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is animated before a live studio audience.
(Enter the turtles through a round passage into their living room.)
LEONARDO
Boy am I exhausted from fighting evil all day.
DONATELLO
Yeah! Oh my aching shell!
MICHELANGELO
But at least now we get to veg out and sit and watch TV and eat pizza! I'll go make us some, compadres! (Exit to kitchen.)
(LEONARDO, DONATELLO, and RAPHAEL plop down on a sofa. RAPHAEL grabs the remote and turns on TV.)
LEONARDO
Hey I think April's on.
(APRIL comes on TV, broadcasting. Channel 6 bg music)
APRIL
Breaking news. A big Pride flag has been torn and burned to a crisp and the establishment displaying it, vandalized. What kind of despicable monster would commit such a… monstrosity?
(Turtles watch on TV, horrified. MICHELANGELO enters living room with pizza)
MICHELANGELO
I know! Some… homophobic… sleazoid!
RAPHAEL (sarcastic)
Very good, genius! Thanks for narrowing that down.
DONATELLO
We know that! But who?
Scene 2
(Dissolve to exterior of Channel 6 building facing up. IRMA's bg music cue plays. Camera pans in and up. IRMA is heard sobbing. Dissolve inside. IRMA sitting at receptionist's desk)
IRMA
Men are scum! Why do I want a man so bad?! I guess I need one if I ever wanna get married!
APRIL (puts arm on IRMA's shoulder)
You know, Irma, you do have other options.
IRMA (cheers up, sniffles)
I guess you're right, April! There's always the turtles I guess.
APRIL
Yeah. Oooorrrr,…
(BURNE storms in interrupting)
BURNE (bellows)
APRIL!!!???
APRIL (nonchalantly, used to BURNE's yelling)
Burne?
BURNE
I want you to do a story on the pastry eating contest at Central Perk.
APRIL
Don't you mean Central Park, chief?
BURNE
No, Central Perk! It's a coffee shop.
APRIL (sighs)
Another boring useless stupid story? But Chief, what about all those hate crimes going on at Pride events and the LGBTQIA community? Burnings, vandalism, violence!
BURNE
What about them? Who cares about that?! I want you to cover Central Perk instead.
APRIL (sighs, unenthusiastically)
Right Chief, I'll get right on it. (BURNE exits scene.)
IRMA
Anyway,… I wish I could find a man like… like,… well you, April! Or the turtles. And literally the closest thing I have to a man is those turtles!
APRIL
Welcome to the club. Me too and then some!
IRMA (sighs)
How come the cutest sweetest guys I meet are almost always mutants?
APRIL
I've been asking myself that forever. Well, "beauty and the beast". (pause) Hey I tell you what. Tonight let's just you and I go out and do something! Get your mind off guys for awhile. We'll make it a ladies' night!
IRMA
Hey yeah, sounds great! To be honest I'd rather be with you than with some stranger anyway.
APRIL
Ok, then it's a date! Er,… well not a date date. You know what I mean.
Scene 3
(Wipe to statehouse. Some evangelicals and lawmakers converge and conspire to an evil plot. Sinister bg music)
LAWMAKER #1
Well that's another one of our hate bills defeated! (bangs his fist on desk)
LAWMAKER #2
You know, we actually don't have to pass bills and laws. There's always executive orders. Weaponizing local, county, and state agencies against the LGBT community. Weaponize the school system. States and towns all across the country are already doing that. The court system. We got the Supreme Court on our side.
LAWMAKER #3 (paces around)
We've got to totally obliterate the LGBT community ASAP! Noone must know they exist because they're really ruining our country! We've got to completely erase them and everything about them so's we can pretend they never existed. Gives our religion and our God a bad name. This is a Christian country!
EVANGELICAL PASTOR
But how? What's the quickest way possible?
LAWMAKER #3
Hey, I know what! You guys ever hear of this guy Shredder? I hear he comes here all the time and wreaks havoc on the whole town and even the world!
EVANGELICAL PASTOR
But why do we want him?? He's evil and destructive and is so bent on taking over the world!
LAWMAKER #3 (smiles evilly and snickers)
Exactly! Just the guy we need! And I hear he's got his army of mutant punks and foot soldiers and he knows martial arts!
EVANGELICAL PASTOR
Oh yeah! He's perfect! But how do we get in touch with him and how do we get him to help us?
LAWMAKER #1
I bet our dear leader Donald J. Lofty would know!
LAWMAKER #2
Great! I have him on speed dial! (whips out his phone, dials)
Scene 4
(Wipe to scene at sunset. Exterior rear view of Channel 6 van in foreground overlooking cityscape in the background. IRMA and APRIL heard inside)
IRMA
Thanks for this, April! I feel better already.
APRIL
Of course, Irma! (Cut to interior of van. APRIL in driver's seat, IRMA in front passenger seat.) I understand how lonely life can be. In fact, I snuck this aboard! (Takes out unopened bottle of wine. Uncorks it, takes a wine glass and gives one to IRMA and pours. They clink glasses together and raise them) To us! Two sisters!
IRMA
Cheers! (Both take a drink. IRMA sighs) Will I ever get married, April?
APRIL
Well, I'm no psychic. All I can offer is that sooner or later everybody finds somebody.
IRMA
I'm already an old maid. (sighs) Why can't I find someone like… like you, April? You're beautiful, you're sweet, you're smart, you love animals, you're fun to be with,… (APRIL leans in to kiss IRMA passionately on the lips. IRMA starts to push back but then enjoys it and embraces APRIL firmly)… and an awesome kisser! Wow! You're gonna make some lucky guy happy! Say, Casey.
APRIL
You're no slouch yourself! You're gonna make some… guy… a great wife! I think Donatello likes you. (Turns to look at sunset) What a beautiful sight!
IRMA
Yeah. The sunset's great too. By the way, your hair smells good!
APRIL
(runs her fingers through IRMA's hair) Yours looks and feels good! Wow, Irma, I'd never realized just how pretty and radiant you are. You're quite a catch! You have a lot to offer.
(They gaze at each other lovingly and then kiss and embrace each other passionately)
(Pan out to reveal SHREDDER and KRANG watching the girls on their screen from the technodrome. Technodrome bg music plays)
SHREDDER (laughs evilly)
Aha, I knew it! I knew those girls had to be more than friends!
KRANG (mocks SHREDDER)
What's the matter, Shredder? Jealous?
ROCKSTEADY
Is that why you're stalking Ms. O'Neil? That's wrong! But I love it!
BEBOP (snorts)
Gee, bwoss. And I thought that Oima dame was man crazy.
SHREDDER
Don't you see, guys? Her man hunting is just a cover-up. (laughs evilly) This is so perfect! I can use this as blackmail! I can out them! (shakes fist) Or at least threaten to.
(Cut back to IRMA and APRIL making out in the Channel 6 van.)
IRMA (stops)
Hold it, April! Do you suddenly get the feeling we're being watched?
APRIL
I don't think so. There's no one else up here and nobody looking up. Who could possibly be watching us? Hmm… Shredder? I wonder…
(Pan out to SHREDDER again, watching from the technodrome in Dimension X. Dimension X bg music plays)
SHREDDER
Who indeed? (laughs mockingly)
(Just then, evangelical pastor contacts SHREDDER and KRANG on screen)
SHREDDER
Hello, we're getting a call! (Pastor comes in onscreen.) Who are you?
WHITE EVANGELICAL PASTOR
Are you Shredder?
SHREDDER
The one and only! In the flesh! And this is Krang, in the fle…er, in the brain.
PASTOR
See, we're evangelicals, and we…
SHREDDER (interrupts)
…are here to try to push me into accepting God and asking for forgiveness?! (Threatens, shaking his fist blades at him) Well forget it!! I don't need forgiveness! I'm perfect the way I am!
PASTOR
No, actually we need your help. The LGBT community is a cancer and a menace on our state and the whole country. And they're making a mockery of our God. We need them erased. Wiped out completely and never heard from again.
SHREDDER
Hmm. You've piqued my interest. Only what's in it for me?
PASTOR
The satisfaction of destroying people and things!
SHREDDER
Huh, keep talking…
PASTOR
…and you can finally obliterate those turtles you hate so much and those fake news girls at Channel 6! Destroy Pride! And people in general! And plus, you'd be doing the Lord's work. He's gonna bless you and make you a saint in heaven!
SHREDDER
Wow. So you mean I get to be my cruel destructive self AND go to heaven when I die?
PASTOR
That's the Lord's promise!
SHREDDER
It's a deal! Baptize me and call me a Christian! (Waves his arms and folds them like he's praying) Today I'm born again!
Scene 5
(Dissolve to Ext. Ch. 6 building. The next morning. Pan in. Cut inside. The turtles disguised and in their fedoras and trench coats talking with APRIL and IRMA.)
LEONARDO
What's wrong, ladies? You two look deeply troubled.
APRIL
Oh, it's all these hate crimes going on! Do you have any idea how hard it is to report them on live TV?
RAPHAEL
You don't seem distressed. I haven't noticed any changes in you.
APRIL
Yeah, on TV! I have to look professional. Once that camera is off me, I cry! (Gets weepy. IRMA consoles her)
LEONARDO
I imagine reporting so much bad news every day can be emotionally taxing.
APRIL
It's not just that. You see, it's like this…
IRMA (softly into APRIL's ear)
I don't know, April. You think we should tell them?
APRIL (whispers back)
Irma, they're our dear friends! And they are the good guys.
IRMA
But what if they don't accept?
RAPHAEL
Tell us what? Accept what?
LEONARDO
If you can't tell us, we can't help you.
MICHELANGELO
Yeah dudettes! You can tell us! We pretty much know you inside and out. There's nothing you can tell us that'll make us dislike you or nothing. You two are practically family to us!
APRIL (takes IRMA's hand into hers)
Hold that thought. Fellas, Irma and I… are… well, more than friends.
MICHELANGELO
You mean, like you're sisters? As in blood sisters?
IRMA
No. We're… girlfriends.
RAPHAEL
Tell us something we don't know.
APRIL
No. You see,… (they huddle. Whispering to the turtles)
MICHELANGELO (loudly)
You mean you're lov…?
APRIL (slaps MICHELANGELO's mouth shut)
Shh!! If Burne finds out, he'll fire us!
IRMA
And if Vernon finds out, he'll tell Burne. And Burne will fire us!
DONATELLO
This is deeply disturbing!
IRMA (hangs her head)
I didn't think you'd accept.
DONATELLO
No, not that! I mean, we're worried about all the bullying and hostility you'll face!
(Suddenly, SHREDDER and KRANG break onto screens at Ch. 6 and all over town. Broadcasting threatening message)
RAPHAEL
Uh-oh! Speaking of bullying and hostility,…
KRANG (menacingly)
People of New York! People of Earth! Here's what it all comes down to. This Pride and LGBT nonsense has got to stop! Immediately! If you're gay, you get shot! If you're trans, you get shot!
SHREDDER
Yes! And if you so much as affirm anybody LGBT, you get shot!
LEONARDO
Since when do Shredder and Krang care about policing people's love lives and identities?
RAPHAEL
Hey, tinface is always happy to do something as long as it's evil and cruel and hurts people!
KRANG
Allies will be shot! If you're even suspected of being gay or trans, you get shot! That means how you dress, your hair, and even your mannerisms! Oh, and if you even know anybody who's LGBT and don't turn them in? (loudly. Extreme closeup of KRANG's face) YOU GET SHOT!! (laughs evilly)
SHREDDER
Yes, aiding and abetting them is aiding and abetting criminals!
KRANG
If you even see two men, two women, guys with long hair, girls with short hair, we don't mess around! If you see anybody like that,… (amplifies voice) Shoot… to… Kill!!!
(Suspenseful music. Cut to turtles, APRIL and IRMA watching, all horrified. APRIL and IRMA hold each other tightly and shriek.)
(End Act. Fade out. Cut to commercial)