This story takes place in season 21 (although it doesn't reference any specific episode) and there are trigger warnings for frequent mentions of rape throughout, so please take this into consideration before reading if this subject matter is triggering for you.
I'm doing something different with this story and challenging myself to finish something that I started several years ago but didn't complete at the time (and I'm hoping to do this with many of my other incomplete fics as well). Two chapters of this story are complete but the third and final chapter isn't, so I'm going to try very hard to finish it. Each chapter will be posted individually.
This is my second repost of the day. After these two stories are complete, I'll take a break from posting. Thank you for reading!
Pain.
Her entire being is consumed with it.
White hot flames are licking at her skin, threatening to engulf her body whole.
How is it possible for this much pain to be emanating from one small injury?
She feels weak and disgusted with herself.
She's been through much worse, coming perilously close to death more than once.
So why does this tiny wound seem like the end of the world?
She tries to conceal the ludicrous amount of panic that is about to overwhelm her, burrowing deeper beneath the blankets on the bottom bunk in the break room like she is just taking a quick nap, while fervently wishing for some privacy. But Kat is over there, digging through her locker and muttering something unintelligible under her breath in a disgruntled tone, and Fin is slumped at the table in front of the bed, listlessly stirring his cup of coffee with a spoon.
She muffles an exasperated moan into the covers that are bunched up around her chin, mentally counting down the hours until her shift is over and she can go home to her girls; intent on pretending she is alone in the room, where everything is quiet and peaceful.
The door suddenly bangs open, putting an abrupt end to this short-lived fantasy and making all three of them jump, Fin's coffee splashing over the rim of his cup and the older man letting out a string of expletives as their captain strides into the room with a no-nonsense look on her face. She tries to resist the urge to pull the sheets up over her head before Olivia notices that her expression has contorted into one of absolute agony, her usual stoicism in the throes of pain failing her now, just when she needs it the most.
But it's too late to hide, her boss' knowing gaze immediately zeroing in on her before she can smooth her pinched features into a more placid appearance and relax her coiled limbs.
"Decided to nap through your lunch break, Rollins?" One of Olivia's eyebrows is arched high on her forehead, the edge in her tone warning of an impending lecture.
"I didn't realize it was against the rules to have a nap," Amanda mutters in response, taking note of the hasty exit of her colleagues from the room, as if they know an argument is imminent and are eager to avoid it.
"Of course it's not against the rules," Olivia sighs heavily, Amanda watching as the older woman lowers herself down into Fin's vacated seat while maintaining disconcertingly intense eye contact with her. "But you told me in no uncertain terms that the injury you sustained in the field wasn't serious and didn't require medical attention."
"Yeah, so?" Amanda shifts uncomfortably under the blankets, the movement causing an involuntary gasp of anguish to escape her lips and Olivia's eyebrows pulling together in a deep frown that could indicate a variety of emotions.
Amanda doesn't want to deal with Olivia's anger or concern or any other emotion that is about to be put on display; all she wants is to be left alone with her torment. A swift glance at Olivia's determined expression confirms that she will not be getting her wish anytime soon, however, and she stifles the groan that is creeping up her throat.
"Well, you were obviously lying to me," the brunette admonishes, flapping a hand in Amanda's direction. "Your face is paler than I've ever seen it and you're huddled under those covers like you're never going to come out again. I don't think you came in here to take a quick nap over the lunch hour. I think you're lying in that bed because you can't do anything else at the moment."
There is a brief pause as Olivia's head tilts to the side and a thick wave of hair cascades over one shoulder, Amanda's mouth falling open to argue and promptly clamping shut again when Olivia holds up a hand to stop her. "I'm not wrong, am I?"
"No," Amanda finally murmurs in a defeated tone, a weary sigh emitting from her mouth as she rolls her eyes.
She hears a similar sound come from Olivia and watches with trepidation as the captain stands up and moves toward the bed, hovering in front of her like she is unsure whether to remain on her feet or bend down to the ground to be at eye level with her subordinate.
"Why couldn't you just admit that the injury is causing you pain and you're having a hard time with it?" Olivia's voice is much softer when she speaks again and radiating with compassion now. "I can't have one of my detectives pretending she's physically fit for duty when that's not the case. So what's going on here? Why didn't you tell me the truth when I asked if you were okay?"
"Because..." Amanda trails off, a red hot flush of embarrassment overtaking the sickly white quality of her skin.
"Because?" Olivia echoes gently, that perfectly arched eyebrow rising high in question once more.
Amanda clears her throat awkwardly and shifts again in the bed, biting hard on the inside of her cheek when another burst of pain erupts through the lower half of her body, and inwardly cursing Kat for taking it upon herself to inform their captain that her wound was worse than she was letting on. "Because of where the injury is located."
She speaks so quietly that Olivia appears to be straining to hear her, the older woman dropping to the floor in a crouched position and shuffling forward on her knees so they are eye to eye. The sudden close proximity of her boss' body to her own, and those penetrating dark orbs that seem to be peering straight into her soul, have Amanda's blush deepening even further until she's sure her entire face is about to burst into flames.
"Can you tell me exactly where you're hurt, Amanda?"
The tenderness in Olivia's tone is enough to bring tears to Amanda's eyes, making sure to blink quickly to prevent them from falling and wishing for a return of her superior's harsh impatience before she breaks down completely.
"On the inside of my upper thigh," she murmurs almost inaudibly, her gaze dropping down to focus on the sheets that she is twisting nervously between her fingers.
Olivia is silent for a moment before speaking again, her expression unreadable now but remaining unwavering in her firm eye contact. "I really think you should be examined by a doctor."
"I can deal with it myself," Amanda replies defensively, fully aware of how pathetic she looks and how weak sounds, and that Olivia won't buy her false bravado for a second.
Sure enough, the brunette scoots even closer to her on the floor, rising up on her knees and wincing slightly, the position likely an uncomfortable one to remain in for long. "It doesn't look like you're dealing with it very well yourself. It looks to me like you were just planning to suffer in silence for the rest of the day and not bother doing anything about it."
There is no malice whatsoever in Olivia's voice, only worry and kindness, and this time Amanda has to bite down even harder on the inside of her cheek in an effort to keep the impending tears at bay.
"So is that why you've been trying to downplay the severity of your injury? Because you don't want to be examined by a doctor? Amanda, it's important to get medical attention if you need it. And clearly you do. Why don't you want to be examined?" Olivia's tone suggests that she already knows the answer to the question but wants to hear it from Amanda.
"I don't..." Amanda trails off again, finding it difficult to be upfront with her captain about the turmoil swirling through her brain.
"You don't want anyone touching you there?" Olivia supplies softly, brown eyes shining with concern, and Amanda nods slowly, feeling childish and ashamed at this admission.
"I'm just-" Her throat closes up before she can complete her sentence, hesitant to reveal what's been on her mind and how vulnerable and terrified the thought of an exam is making her feel at the moment, but ultimately deciding to be honest about the situation. "I've been injured and sick plenty of times throughout my life, especially on the job, and of course I'm used to going to the doctor but I'm just not in the right head space to do that today, Liv."
"Okay," Olivia replies quietly, her palm coming to rest on the mattress beside Amanda, fingers twitching slightly like she wants to provide physical comfort to her detective but not moving her hand any further. "I know it's not the easiest thing to do; to allow someone to perform an examination that feels a little more intimate, but can you tell me why this is more difficult for you than it usually is? Why you're not in the right head space today? Did something happen?"
Amanda remains silent for a moment, wrestling with just how much information she should reveal to her boss, as that feeling of immaturity clings to her and the knowledge that she is making this situation into a much bigger deal than it needs to be. "Um, I had a nightmare just before I woke up this morning...and I can't seem to shake it."
"Okay. Can you tell me what it was about?" Olivia's voice is calm and her demeanor unhurried, like the lunch break is not about to come to an end and she has all the time in the world to crouch on the floor of the break room and listen to the details of her detective's bad dream.
Another beat of silence stretches out between them and Amanda clears her throat roughly, not used to saying his name out loud, the word feeling heavy and unfamiliar on her tongue as she struggles to speak. "It was about...Patton...about that night in the motel room..."
"I'm so sorry you had a dream about that, Amanda. That must have been awful for you. Do you want to share a bit more about it?"
There is something about Olivia's tender tone and the empathy radiating from her gaze that makes Amanda want to keep talking; to spill her guts about the nightmare that has been consuming her since she had awakened that morning and haunting her throughout her daily routine, including a venture with Kat to arrest a perpetrator at his home. The arrest itself had gone off without a hitch, the man calm and compliant as they had led him outside to their waiting vehicle, but then Amanda had stupidly tripped over one of the crumbling porch steps and landed in an awkward position on the cement walkway below.
Despite brushing off Kat's concern and assuring the newest member of their team that she was fine, it couldn't be further from the truth as the resulting pain had been immediate and intense, Amanda rolling onto her side to see that she had caught the inside of her leg on a sharp garden tool that had been discarded next to a patch of dirt that held more weeds than flowers. The location of the wound had instantly catapulted her right back into the nightmare that had torn her from her sleep that morning, her pajamas pasted to her body with sweat as strangled gasps of fear had burst from her mouth. She had limped to their SUV with as much dignity as possible, gritting her teeth against the uncharacteristic need to burst into tears, her thigh on fire and Patton's face swimming through her mind as she had hauled herself up into the passenger seat while Kat had secured their perp in the back.
It was all Amanda could do to stop herself from shaking and crying on their return trip to the precinct, sitting stock-still in her seat and staring straight ahead, careful to keep her expression completely blank and her body from shaking violently. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Kat throwing worried glances in her direction every so often, her colleague's concern only heightening the frustration and panic that she was desperately trying to push down. It had briefly occurred to her that the pain might be disproportionate to the injury and was possibly exacerbated by the horrible dream she had endured earlier, and Amanda had spent the remainder of the ride silently chastising herself for acting like such a baby and not being able to get over it right away; never thinking to treat herself with compassion instead.
"It was so vivid, like I was actually there." Amanda's voice is hushed and trembling as she decides to take the plunge and tell Olivia about the details of a dream that had felt so real, she was momentarily convinced that she was back in that dingy motel room upon awakening. "His hands and fingers...they were everywhere, all over me and inside of me. Pinching and scratching and punching. They were clamped onto the insides of my thighs to hold me down and...open...when I wouldn't stop squirming and lie still. He hands were so rough and heavy, I could still feel them there when I woke up. I actually thought that he had left bruises or I was bleeding, because he had scratched me so hard."
Amanda gives a humorless chuckle, dangerously close to tears as her lower lip quivers and she keeps her gaze averted, overcome with horrific memories that she desperately wishes would fade from her mind and disappear forever. "I just can't stand the thought of anyone else touching me like that, Liv."
"Oh, Amanda." Olivia's voice sounds strained and when Amanda throws a glance at her, she is stunned to see a slight sheen of tears in those large dark eyes before Olivia blinks and they are gone. "I understand that, I really do, but that's not what's going to happen if you see a doctor today. No one is going to hurt you, I promise. I only want you to get the help that you need. And I can even go with you, if that will make you feel better."
"I just...I don't think I can, Liv." The thought of having to remove her pants and possibly her underwear so some random person can put their hands on her and look at her so intimately, has Amanda's breath catching in her throat and black spots dancing at the corners of her vision. "But thank you for offering to go with me. It's not that bad, really. I'm sure it's just a bit bruised. I can't even bring myself to look at it, so I think I'll just leave it alone for now. I don't want to see it. It'll probably be healed in a day or two, anyway."
"Sweetheart..." Olivia trails off, Amanda watching as the brunette squeezes her eyes shut for a moment and pinches the bridge of her nose, surprised to feel an unfurling of warmth at the term of endearment, rather than irritation. "I really don't think that's a good idea." There is a slight pause, as if the older woman is trying to decide what to say next and carefully weighing her options. "I apologize if this is way out of line, but do you want me to take a look at it? I promise I won't touch you without your consent but I can check to see how bad it is and help you get cleaned up, if you want me to. Maybe it would make you feel less uncomfortable if it was just you and me."
"I'm just so embarrassed," Amanda blurts out, internally acknowledging that she definitely would feel more comfortable having Olivia look at the injury instead of some stranger, but unsure if she'll be able to hold herself together for much longer. "I didn't even go into the bathroom to look at it when we got back, because I couldn't stand to see it. I just told you that it wasn't serious and then crawled into bed as soon as it was lunchtime, and tried to ignore everything. But I'm pretty sure Kat tattled on me and told you it was worse than I said it was."
"You don't have to be embarrassed," Olivia assures her softly, the corner of her lip lifting in a slight smirk at Amanda's last remark. "And Kat did the right thing. Honestly, the two of you fight like sisters sometimes. But did you really think I wouldn't notice that you were downplaying how bad it was?"
Despite the pain and mortification she is feeling, Amanda finds herself smirking back at her boss, Olivia shaking her head and giving her a wry smile. "Yeah, I guess it might have been a little obvious, huh?"
"Yeah, just a little," Olivia chuckles tenderly with an affectionate roll of her eyes. "I do notice you, Amanda. I know when you're not yourself, even when you try to pretend otherwise."
Unsure of exactly how to respond to this, Amanda just gives a sheepish shrug and looks away as bright spots of color bloom on her cheeks again and her heart begins to pick up the pace. The same warmth from earlier is infusing her once more; that feeling of being cared for and protected, of actually feeling safe, and it is not something she is used to. Although that ever-present embarrassment is still clinging to her, that need to be left alone so she can ignore her injury is beginning to fade a little as she observes the compassion on Olivia's face and the soft hand that has just covered her own over top of the blankets.
"If you want me to take a look at it, we can go into the bathroom for some privacy," Olivia explains gently, giving her hand a light squeeze. "And then you can decide what to do from there; if you think seeing a doctor would be a good idea or if you just want to go home and get some rest. But at least you'll know what you're dealing with, since there seems to be some confusion on how severe it is."
"Okay," Amanda agrees quietly, a brief smile tugging at her lips when her captain squeezes her hand again and hoists herself into a standing position, appreciating the soothing touch of someone she trusts and trying to shove all thoughts of a different kind of touch out of her mind.
When Olivia turns around to gather up some scraps of food and discarded wrappers that are left over from their squad's lunch, Amanda rolls onto her back and slowly peels the covers away from her body, chiding herself for not taking a look at the wound earlier and needing her boss to do it for her, to spare her the trauma of what is most likely a minor injury.
There is a sudden rise of anxiety that spears right through her newfound calm as she shifts her legs apart on the mattress, feeling it and seeing it at the same time; the blood. There is a dark red streak on the inside of one of her pant legs and a few drops of the crimson liquid visible on the sheet below her.
Amanda is instantly thrown back into her nightmare, Patton pawing hungrily at her inner thighs, tearing and scratching at the tender skin there in an effort to force her legs further apart so he can have what he wants. The reality of what actually took place in that motel room all those years ago and the murky quality of the dream that had traumatized her that morning are mixing together to create a panic so intense that it has her stomach tied up in knots and her heart pounding in fear.
When Amanda hears the footsteps walking toward her, all thoughts of safety and peace are utterly obliterated as her mind races in circles and she mistakes Olivia's presence in the room for Patton's. She scrambles out of the bed as fast as she can, her body becoming twisted and trapped in the blankets as she falls to the floor, frantically looking for a way to escape as a scream of pure terror rips from her throat.