A/N I am aware there are discrepancies in the timeline. Please do not comment about this, I just need to post something to get my brain back in Merlin-land. I have also decided I am now a fan of the open-endings. They're great. My new best friends. Written for Merlin Bingo Square H4 Solstice

The solstices had always been banes in Merlin's existence. Something about them had always made him feel slightly… off.

The winter solstice previous hadn't made him feel any more excited about them, the loss of Lancelot still a punch in the gut.

With everything that had been going on, Merlin had almost forgotten about the upcoming celebration… almost.

But with preparations underway, it became harder and harder to ignore.

The entire citadel was in an uproar, the occasion made even more joyous after the retaking of Camelot not some months previously.

But, as usual, Merlin's twice a year off feeling came around. This time with vengeance.

Maybe it was made worse by the fact that no one had remembered Lancelot's death day. Maybe it was made worse by the fact that no one had celebrated with him, because they all now believed Lancelot to be a dishonourable man.

Lancelot had liked the winter solstice, had been the only person to drag Merlin out to enjoy the snow on the ground. Had been the only person (apart from Will) to make him forget about how horrible he felt.

Merlin sniffled back tears as he put more force into scrubbing away the dirt Arthur had trudged into the chambers.

He was not going to break down in front of Arthur. Then he would have to explain why.

And Merlin was not in the mood to explain why.

He growled, standing up.

His back ached and he arched it, trying to get a good stretch.

He sniffled, something dripping down the back of his throat.

Merlin coughed reflexively, wincing as his throat cried out in pain.

Okay, maybe he was sick.

That would at least give him an excuse not to work on the night of the solstice.

His head throbbed suddenly, and he cried out, dropping the brush, as he collapsed to the floor, breath sharply increasing.

His vision tunnelled as he tried to control the pain that was suddenly wracking his body.

He needed, needed to…

He couldn't remember.

What… what was happening?

What-

"Merlin!"

All at once he was brought back to the present, eyes screwing shut as he blindly reached for the bucket of water as he retched.

Merlin slumped against the bucket, his head resting against it as a gentle hand rubbed his back.

He didn't know what had just happened.

His body shook involuntarily as the world came back into focus.

Gwen was next to him, and he leant into her touch as she murmured words of comfort.

Merlin shivered, a clamminess causing his shirt to stick to his body in an uncomfortable way. He whimpered, shoving his head between his knees, the world while back in focus, still spinning slightly.

For a few seconds, the comforting hand on his back disappeared, and he whimpered out again.

He missed it. His stomach was still roiling, but Merlin knew if he were to throw up again, there would be nothing but dry retches.

His whole body ached, head pounding as someone eased him up into a sitting position, pressing a cup to his lips.

The water was soothing, the taste of vomit slowly washing out of his mouth, though the rawness of his throat remained.

Gwen's hand returned to his back as Merlin hiccoughed, forcing himself to take deep breaths, his entire body shuddering with the effort.

His heart was still pounding fast, too fast, body clammy with sweat, head throbbing sharply, each one worse than the last.

At least the world had stopped spinning.

"Merlin," Gwen whispered gently. "I've sent for Gaius. He should be here soon."

Merlin nodded as he tried to hold back choked sobs. The light was too bright, even with his eyes squeezed as tightly shut as he could get them.

He felt her hand caress his sweaty hair as he leant into her shoulder, tears squeezing through his closed eyes.

"Guinevere, wh-" Arthur's suddenly stopped, and a shadow dropped in front of Merlin. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know," Gwen whispered. "I came in and found him like this."

"Merlin, you idiot," Arthur responded, but there was no harshness to his words, worry lacing his tone. "If you weren't feeling well, you could have taken the day off."

Merlin whimpered in response, shoving his head between his own legs in response, trying to shut out as much noise and light as he could.

Words were whispered above him, but he couldn't hear them, his entire body shaking, a hand gently rubbing his back.

It was a soothing gesture in the midst of his pain, the deep, sharp throbs threatening to explode out of his head.

As he focussed on the hand, the pain floated away, and Merlin found himself drifting with it, the noise slowly dissipating as he followed.

He slipped into unconsciousness, blissfully unaware, except for one word, hissed into the very corners of his mind.

"Emrys."

His head was pounding, the world around him dark as night.

The pain was more manageable, nothing like the searing throbbing pain of before.

Merlin clenched his eyes tightly as he rubbed at them, slowly moving his fingers to massage at his head, although it did nothing.

Slowly, he opened one eye, then the other, a sigh of relief as he awoke to a blissful darkness.

He coughed, throat scratchy.

Merlin pushed himself up, trying to untangle himself from his bedsheets knotted around his legs.

He shivered, suddenly very much aware of the sweat dripping down his body, and the fact that he was now shirtless.

Merlin stumbled to his feet, scrambling around in the dark of his room, for something to put on.

His knee slammed into the bedpost, and he cursed, almost falling over from the sudden pain.

"Lēoma," he whispered, light appearing in his palm.

Seconds later, Merlin crumpled to the ground, overcome with pain.

He must have cried out, or made some sort of noise, because suddenly Gaius was beside him, the calloused hands gently guiding him back to the bed.

"It's alright, my boy," Gaius whispered, tucking Merlin back into the blankets. "Here, drink some water."

Each word pierced Merlin's skull, thoughts that weren't his swirling through his mind, crying out for him.

For Emrys.

Merlin whimpered, soul feeling far too big for his body. He wanted to float, wanted to…

A cool glass was brought to his lips and he took a sip, the water bringing clarity for the few seconds it was in his mouth.

Then the pounding was back again, the voices.

He sniffled. Why wouldn't they just be quiet? He wanted them to be quiet. Needed them to be quiet.

They called out for him, desperate, telling him secrets, little wishes, big wishes. And could they please bless his baby?

A soft, cool cloth was placed on his head, the pounding not going away but somewhat bearable.

"There, my boy," Gaius whispered, voice low, the soft stroke of the cloth across Merlin's head soothing. "Do you think you could try and eat something for me?"

Merlin whimpered, jaw clenched against the torrent of voices, forcing himself to shake his head.

He felt so nauseous, whole body clenched in utter misery.

As the day wore on, he drifted in and out of consciousness, waking once to hearing voices shouting in the room over, Arthur and maybe Gwaine? Definitely Gaius.

But that was all he could think of before he drifted off again into unconsciousness.

The voices continued as loudly as they had for another full day, before subsiding into background chatter on the third day, though Merlin's body still ached.

It was bearable, and yet still he was confined to his bed and chamber.

With the voices being nothing but a nuisance, Merlin was able to stay awake for longer periods, finally learning why Gaius had been so adamant to stop people from seeing Merlin.

His eyes.

They continued to glow, hadn't stopped glowing according to Gaius since Merlin had first collapsed.

He whimpered, pressing his head between his knees, the voices overlapping one another, the… the prayers all different, but every single one calling out one name.

Emrys.

Merlin just wanted them to stop.

"Merlin?"

He froze.

It took everything in him to not look up, to not respond to the soft voice coming from his chamber door. He pressed his head between his knees, squeezing his eyes as tightly shut as he could.

"You shouldn't be here, Gwen," he whispered out, voice hoarse from crying. "You could get sick."

"Merlin."

And there was that tone of voice. The one that brooked no argument. The one that never truly believed any of Merlin and Gaius' little lies.

"You and I both know that if you were that infectious, Gaius wouldn't be keeping you here."

Merlin flinched. She was right.

"Please," he whispered. He couldn't. She shouldn't.

"Merlin, look at me," she said instead. He felt the dip in his bed. "Please, look at me, tell me what's wrong?"

"I can't," he said. A gentle hand rubbing circles on his back, another on his hand, gently prying his fingers away from his scalp. "It's fine. I'll be fine in a few days. It'll go back to normal and-"

He cut himself off, shoving his face further between his legs, Gwen's hand stopping its gentle rubbing motion.

"What will go back to normal?"

He shuddered, shaking his head.

"Merlin, please," she tried again. "I just want to help."

"You can't," he said. "There's nothing you can do. Just. Leave me alone. Please."

"Does it have something to do with your eyes?"

He tensed. Merlin couldn't help it, but he did it anyway, breath speeding up, even as he tried to calm it.

"I don't mind, Merlin," Gwen continued. "Whatever it is, it won't change who you are. Not to me. Whatever damage occurred by the sickness, I promise you, no one will think less of you. We all just want to know that you're alright."

"I-" Merlin cut himself off. "You don't know that, Gwen. You don't..."

But she was his friend, right? His best friend. He wanted to trust her, needed to trust her, needed to tell someone.

"That's alright, Merlin," she said, softly. "Just let me know, are you alright? Just so I can tell Arthur and the knights that you're alright. Then I'll leave, whatever you want me to do."

Merlin, tensed, staring down at his hands, shoved between his legs.

He trusted Gwen. Merlin really did. But what if.

"I'm fine," he said. "Just a bad leftoveer headache from the sickness."

"Alright," Gwen whispered, and he felt the dip in the bed leave, her hand still curling through his hair. "Do you want me to leave?"

"I..." Merlin trailed off. Did he? DId he want her to leave? He wasn't quite so sure anymore.

He was so tired. So so tired of hiding. He missed Lancelot and Freya and Balinor and Will.

And yet, if he told Gwen... would she end up sharing the same fate of those before her?

Would Merlin be cursing her, just as he had cursed those before?

It was a ridiculous thought, he knew that, but... he couldn't help but think of the what ifs, the maybes.

He... he didn't know what to do, and he was so scared and frightened all the time.

"Thats alright, Merlin," Gwe whispered, gently leaning over him, kissing the top of his head. "I'll leave. If you need anything after, don't hesitate to come find me."

Her footsteps padded gently across the floorboards.

"Wait!" Merlin called out.

She stopped.

"I don't want to be alone right now, Gwen. Please."

The dip in the bed returned.

Hesitantly, Merlin looked up.