This Love

Clear blue water

High tide came and brought you in

And I could go on and on, on and on, and I will

""We did well today," Jay said, his voice casual, trying to focus on the case they'd just closed. It had taken a week and a half to bring down the leader of a new gang that had been spreading guns and violence across the city. It was a rough case, the kind that wore you down from the inside out, but they had managed it, just like they always did."

Erin, hands resting on the steering wheel, nodded as she parked outside of Molly's. "Yeah, it's nice when it all comes together." She let out a long, quiet sigh, a sound that was more than just relief over the case. There was something heavier beneath it, something that had been weighing on her mind for a while. "Look, I… I've got to tell you something."

Jay, oblivious to the heartache that was about to follow, turned to her, the corners of his mouth tugging upward in a small smile. "Of course. Shoot."

Erin's grip on the wheel tightened as she took a deep breath. "There's this guy… He works with Will at Med, and he asked me out. I know we...we broke up, and I just wanted to let you know."

She spoke quickly, the words tumbling out of her mouth like a dam had broken. She didn't dare say it slowly, knowing it would make it harder, too real, too raw.

Jay's smile faded instantly. His eyes dropped to his lap as her words sank in. "Oh."

Erin shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She hadn't wanted to hurt him, but there it was, hanging in the air between them like a heavy fog. "I'm not trying to make this awkward, it's just that… we're cool, right?" Her voice was tentative, her question more of a plea than anything.

Jay looked at her then, really looked at her. Her petite figure sat stiff in the driver's seat, her hazel eyes flicking back and forth between him and the street outside. It had been almost two months since they had officially broken up, and neither of them had been the same since. They were partners at work, sure, but outside of that, their lives had drifted apart. Yet somehow, he had held onto this hope—this foolish, stubborn hope—that they might find their way back to each other.

But Erin deserved more. She deserved the kind of happiness he hadn't been able to give her, the flowers, the dates, the simple joy of being loved without the weight of someone else's demons. Jay had those demons. His time overseas, the PTSD that crept up on him when he least expected it, the parts of himself that he tried to push down but never fully could. He wanted to be better for her, but deep down, he knew he hadn't been.

And now, the thought of someone else seeing her smile, seeing the dimples that lit up her face, and the way her eyes softened when she let her guard down—it made his heart clench in a way he wasn't prepared for.

"Okay," he finally said, his voice catching in his throat.

Jay feels immediately overwhelmed by a million thoughts, each one hitting him like a punch to the gut.

We are not cool.

I still love you.

I never stopped.

How am I supposed to watch you be with someone else?

He forced himself to look into her eyes, forcing a small, tight smile. "We're cool."

Erin nodded, but her fingers tightened on the steering wheel, her knuckles turning white. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, noticing the tension in his jaw, the way his smile didn't reach his eyes. She knew Jay too well. He was pretending, forcing himself to be okay with this. But he wasn't.

"Okay," she said, her voice softer now. "I just didn't want things to get weird between us."

"Weird?" Jay echoed, the word catching in his throat. How could things not be weird now? He nodded, forcing another smile, one that felt even more strained than before. "No, it's fine. Really."

But it wasn't fine, and they both knew it. The silence that followed was thick and heavy, filled with all the things they weren't saying. Jay's mind raced, scrambling for something to say, something that would make this hurt less. But nothing came. The idea of someone else stepping into his place, into the space he once held in her life, felt like a knife twisting in his chest.

Erin could feel the shift in energy between them. She hadn't meant for this to hurt him, but she couldn't pretend it didn't. She shifted in her seat, her eyes focused on the street ahead, unsure of what to say.

Jay glanced out the window, watching the Chicago streets pass by in a blur. The ache he'd been carrying since the day they broke up was suddenly sharper, more present. He hadn't stopped thinking about her—not for a second—and now the thought of her with someone else made him feel like he was losing her all over again.

"Er," he started, his voice rough, the word barely making it past his lips. He wasn't sure where he was going with it, but he couldn't keep it bottled up anymore. "You don't owe me an explanation, you know? We're... we're not together anymore. You should do what makes you happy."

Erin looked at him, her hazel eyes searching his face. She could hear the strain in his voice, see the way he was struggling to keep it together. Her heart ached for him in a way she hadn't expected. She hadn't realized it would be this hard.

" I just didn't want you to be blindsided, Jay," she said quietly. "I thought it'd be better coming from me."

Jay nodded slowly, appreciating her honesty even though it hurt like hell. "I get it."

But did he? Could he really get it when every part of him was screaming that she was supposed to be his? That they weren't supposed to end up like this—pretending to be okay when all they really wanted was each other?

The rest of the drive passed in silence, a thick, suffocating kind of silence that said more than either of them could. By the time Erin pulled up outside Molly's, the air inside the car felt heavy, almost impossible to breathe. She killed the engine, but neither of them moved.

Jay stared out the window, his hands resting in his lap, clenched into tight fists. He wasn't sure what hurt more—the fact that she was moving on, or the realization that he couldn't stop her.

Erin shifted in her seat, glancing at him from the corner of her eye. The silence between them was unbearable, and she wasn't sure how to break it. "We should go inside," she said quietly.

Jay didn't move. His jaw clenched as he swallowed back the emotion rising in his throat. "You accepted, right?" His voice was tight, harsher than he intended. "You're going to go out with him?"

Erin's heart skipped at the bitterness in his voice. She hadn't expected him to react like this. "I—yeah," she said, her voice barely audible. "I told him I'd give it a shot."

Jay's fists tightened in his lap, his knuckles white as the skin stretched tight over them. He wanted to be okay with this. He wanted to be the bigger person. But all he could feel was the pain, raw and burning inside him.

"How serious is it?" he asked, unable to stop himself. He knew it was masochistic, but he needed to know. Needed to hear it.

Erin's eyes flickered toward him, surprise evident in her gaze. "Jay, it's not… I don't even know him like that yet. We met at Molly's when he was out with Connor and Will. I'm just…" She stopped, unsure of what to say that wouldn't make it worse. "I'm just doing what we said we'd do—trying to move on."

The words hit Jay like a punch to the gut.

Move on.

he knew it was coming, but hearing it out loud made it real. And the reality of it was unbearable.

"Right," he muttered, his voice tight, barely above a whisper. He turned his gaze back out the window, his heart pounding in his chest. It felt like the walls were closing in, like he was suffocating under the weight of what could have been—what should have been.

Erin, watching him, felt her own emotions shift. She had tried to be careful, to spare him the hurt. But now, seeing the way his face twisted with pain, the way his body tensed with each word—it made her angry. He didn't get to be upset. Not after he was the one who had left.

"You know," Erin said, letting out a bitter laugh, her fingers clenching the steering wheel tightly. "You've got some nerve to act like this."

Jay turned to her, confusion and surprise flashing across his face. He hadn't expected this—hadn't expected her to fight back.

Erin's voice was steady, but there was fire behind it now. "You left, Jay. You needed space, you needed time. And I gave it to you. I gave you two months where I've been your partner at work and nothing more. And it's been killing me. I've been drained, Jay, trying to let go, trying to adjust to the fact that you're not here anymore. So don't—don't sit there and act like you have the right to be mad."

Jay looked at Erin, his face etched with confusion and regret. Her words hit him with the force of a wrecking ball, shattering the fragile veneer of control he'd been clinging to. He knew he'd made mistakes, but hearing her lay out the reality of what his actions had done to her was like being slapped awake from a painful dream.

"I… I didn't realize," he started, his voice hoarse. "I thought… I thought taking space would be the right thing. That maybe we'd figure things out."

Erin shook her head, her frustration palpable. "Figuring things out isn't just about taking time apart! It takes two to fight for a relationship Jay,it takes time and patience and effort,but you do it. if you love someone.I was the only one willing to do it, it seems."

"No," Jay responded abruptly,"No,don't say I didn't love you cause-"

"You didn't fight!" Erin yelled, letting out all the rage, painted up anger that had been inside her since he packed his bags and left.

Jay clenched his fists, his own frustration bubbling up as Erin's words cut deeper than he'd ever expected. "You think it was easy for me?" he shot back, his voice louder than he intended. "You think I wanted to walk away? You have no idea how much it killed me to leave."

Erin's eyes flashed with anger, her voice rising to match his. "Then why the hell did you, Jay? Why did you just leave? If it hurt you so damn much, why didn't you fight for us?"

"I was fighting!" Jay shouted, the tension in his body reaching a breaking point. "I was fighting every day to keep my head above water! But I couldn't… I couldn't keep dragging you into my mess. You deserve better than that."

Erin scoffed, crossing her arms tightly over her chest. "Don't you dare use that excuse. Don't you dare pretend like you leaving was some noble thing you did for me. You didn't ask me what I wanted, Jay. You just decided for both of us!"

His jaw clenched as the words hit him like a punch to the gut. "What was I supposed to do? Let you drown with me? Keep you tied to someone who couldn't even get his shit together?"

"Yes!" Erin shouted, stepping closer to him, her face flushed with anger. "That's exactly what you should've done! That's what love is, Jay. It's messy, it's complicated, and sometimes it fucking hurts, but you don't just walk away because it gets hard!"

Jay's chest was heaving now, his pulse racing. "And what about you, huh?" he yelled back, his voice laced with bitterness. "You're standing there talking about love, but you're already moving on. You're going on dates, pretending like everything's fine!"

Erin's eyes narrowed, her anger boiling over. "Don't turn this on me! You don't get to be mad that I'm trying to put myself back together. You made this choice, not me!"

The car felt too small, too suffocating for the weight of everything they had left unsaid. The space between them crackled with tension, years of love, pain, and unresolved feelings erupting in the most destructive way.

Erin shook her head,leaving the car behind,slamming the door.

Jay watched Erin storm off, his heart pounding in his chest as the car door slammed shut with a force that seemed to echo in his bones. His mind was a whirlwind, every word they'd just exchanged replaying in his head. The anger, the frustration, the guilt—it all tangled together into a knot that was choking him from the inside.

He sat there, staring at the empty seat she'd left behind, her words still ringing in his ears: "That's what love is, Jay. It's messy, it's complicated, and sometimes it fucking hurts, but you don't just walk away because it gets hard!"

His jaw clenched, the tension in his body refusing to ease as he thought about everything she'd said. She was right. He had left. He had made the decision for both of them, thinking it was the right thing to do, but now… now it felt like he'd only made things worse.

Jay sat there for a moment longer, trying to catch his breath, trying to push down the pain that was clawing its way to the surface. But no matter how hard he tried, the ache wouldn't go away. Erin was gone, and this time it felt like she might not come back.

He shoved the door open and stepped out of the car, his eyes scanning the street until he spotted her, walking briskly away towards Molly. Without thinking, he started after her, his feet moving faster than his mind could keep up.

"Erin!" he called out, his voice hoarse. She didn't turn around, didn't even slow her pace. Jay quickened his steps, catching up to her just as she reached the corner of the block. "Erin, wait!"

She stopped but didn't turn around, her back rigid, her shoulders tense. Jay hesitated for a moment before stepping in front of her, his breath coming in uneven gasps from both the chase and the storm of emotions raging inside him.

"I don't want to fight with you," he said, his voice quieter now, the anger replaced with something rawer, something more vulnerable. "I don't… I don't want this to end like this."

Erin's eyes flicked up to meet his, and for a moment, all the fire in them seemed to dim. Her face was flushed with anger, but there was something else there too—a sadness, a hurt that ran just as deep as his.

"I don't know what to do anymore.I..maybe it's better if we..i don't know-switch partner for a while..maybe I can work again with Upt-"

Jay cut her off, his voice trembling slightly as he stepped closer. "Don't," he whispered, almost pleading. "Don't say that, Erin. Don't push me away like this." His eyes locked onto hers, desperate for her to see the truth in them. "I can't—I don't want to lose you, not like this. Not as my partner, not as… anything."

Erin looked at him, her heart twisting at the vulnerability in his voice. She could see the pain etched on his face, the same pain she'd been carrying ever since he left. Her anger hadn't faded completely, but it softened just enough for her to hear him. Really hear him.

"But look at us Jay," she said quietly, her voice barely above a whisper. "We are a mess…we can't afford to have resentment in our job and if-"

Jay's heart ached as he listened to Erin, her words echoing the pain he felt. He could see the strain in her eyes, the struggle she was going through, and it made him want to bridge the gap between them, to find a way back to what they had before everything fell apart.

"We will fix this,okay?I will fix this." He explained, "I'll show you that you can trust me again,as your partner in and outside work."

"How?Jay..I-"

"Give me a month.You'll go out with that surgeon who i bet will only talk about his self,he'll make you compliments, telling you how you look beautiful…and if it feels right I'll step out,really.If you find yourself to like that guy,I will stop."

Jay sighed,saying that hurting himself a lot more than what he could have expected, "But if you don't, if it's not right… if you find that you're still thinking about us, then we'll talk. We'll figure it out. But I need a chance to show you that I can be better, that I can fight for us like I should have before. We own ourselves to try, to our story,Er."

Erin's eyes softened, a tear slipping down her cheek despite her best efforts to hold it back. She was caught between the desire to protect herself and the longing to believe in the possibility that there was still something worth fighting for.

"I don't know if I can just turn my feelings off and on," Erin said quietly, her voice trembling. "I don't want to lead anyone on, and I don't want to drag you through more heartache. But…"

Jay reached out, gently wiping the tear from her cheek. "Just give me this month," he said softly. "No promises. No expectations. Just a chance to prove that I can be the person you need, that we can get through this."

Erin looked into his eyes, seeing the sincerity there, and for a moment, the walls she'd built around her heart started to crumble. "Okay," she finally said, her voice barely a whisper. "I'll give you a month. But Jay, if it doesn't work, if it doesn't feel right…."

Jay nodded, relief washing over him despite the lingering ache in his chest. "I'll understand. I will."

They stood there for a moment longer, the weight of their emotions hanging heavily in the air. Neither of them knew what the future held, but for now, they had a tentative hope that maybe, just maybe, they could find their way back to each other.

"Now..Molly's?" Erin asked tentatively,her hands in her pockets. "I think everyone is waiting to celebrate the case."

Jay looked at Erin, a flicker of hope in his eyes. "Yeah, Molly's sounds good," he agreed. His heart was still heavy, but the prospect of a fresh start, however uncertain, offered a small glimmer of light.

Erin managed a faint smile, the tension between them easing slightly. "Let's go then," she said, turning toward the pub with Jay by her side. The drive over had been fraught with raw emotion, but as they approached the familiar warm glow of Molly's, there was a small comfort in the normalcy of it all.

Inside, the buzz of conversation and clinking glasses greeted them, a sharp contrast to the intensity of their earlier conversation. Jay and Erin took a deep breath, stepping into the lively atmosphere of their colleagues celebrating the end of a grueling case.

As they walked in, the team's cheers and pats on the back offered a temporary distraction from the emotional storm that had just passed. But beneath the surface, both Jay and Erin knew that the coming month would be a time of reckoning. For now, though, they were surrounded by friends, and they clung to that sense of camaraderie as they navigated the fragile peace between them.