AN: Sorry this update took forever. Hopefully, you're still with me. Life got busy. AH!

Undertones

The IAB lobby was as bare and ominous as anyone could imagine. Sterile whitewalls, Grey Marble floors, with giant pains of windows, a check-in desk, standard security ages next to the elevators, and a small marble bench in the corner where Amaro, Rollins, and Fin watched Tucker stride over to them from the elevators.

"Even when he has good news, I still don't like him," Rollins mumbled.

"That's because he always finds a way to spin it against you," Fin said underneath his breath.

"Shouldn't you all be working," Tucker spoke towards them with a crease between his brow.

"Just wanted to make sure the news got to our girl before you could find a way to taint it," Amaro puffed his chest.

On cue, Elliot opened the lobby glass door for Olivia and her attorney, Martha Marron, before anything daming could be uttered.

Liv responded first. ", is it somebody's birthday? Because I didn't bring cake."

Olivia knew her feeble attempt to hide behind comedy, fell short when everyone looked up at her with pitiful sad smiles that she hated so much, on their faces.

She swallowed her angst and half smiled back, as she averted her eyes away from them all.

"Detective Benson. Sergeant Stabler," Tucker nodded to Olivia and Elliot. "I have some news for you."

"Sergeant?", Olivia gave Elliot a look.

Elliot turned red and smoothed the top of his bald head. "He says that like I had a choice."

Tucker pierced his lips. " You can save the small talk for drinks later. Lewis died at 4am this morning. His body is being examined today. So far he has no relatives or emergency contacts, accept for his lawyer, who wants nothing to do with him after he killed her parents," he cooly finished as if he were reading a weekend to-do list.

Olivia let out an audible sigh, and the whole squad clapped, creating loud echoes throughout the bare lobby.

"Let's keep it down, everyone," Tucker scolded.

Rollins stepped in and awkwardly hugged Olivia, "Cragen told us and we had to…be here. I'm sorry if this is…weird. I…I'm just so happy you're-"

"Rollins. Thanks," Olivia pushed her away before she could finish her sentence with the word 'alive'.

Amaro and Fin beamed, but Olivia could only see Elliot's face and he wasn't smiling. In fact, he looked concerned.

Elliot had been under Tucker's short leash long enough now to know there was always a 'but'.

"But we still want your statements on tape. The DA wants a nice clean slate before we put this file away."

"Well this is great news," Marron said to Tucker. "I want to talk to my client for a moment before she puts anything on tape. So we'll meet you at our scheduled time on the 4th floor."

"Sure," Tucker responded with his usual poker face. "Elliot, you got your lawyer?"

"Do I need one?"

If Tucker had any personality at all in his lackluster face, he would have rolled his eyes, instead he fell completely still and unblinking, which somehow felt worse. "You'll be first then."

"Um..I'd…like Olivia to go first," Elliot hesitated. "Unless, Liv, you want me to go first?"

She gave him a confused look. "I…I don't think it matters."

Elliot was subtly trying to read her mind, and failing miserably. He could tell she was staying strong about telling the truth and nothing but the truth. And he wasn't one to lie, but manslaughter was very much so on the table, and he needed their story to be airtight.

"Can I have a moment with Liv?"

"Why do I get the impression this open and shut case is more complicated than it needs to be? Is it?," Tucker lifted an eyebrow at all of them.

"No," Elliot assured him. "No, sir."

Tucker gave an audible sigh of annoyance, but he'd heard enough of the details from Elliot's mother to know Lewis was an animal and everyone in Olivia's world just wanted the best outcome, so he ignored the silent unrest between two of his best and most challenging officers and walked to the elevator. "I'll be on the 4th floor. Once you decide who's going first, you know the drill."

"I'll go first," Olivia touched Elliot's chest. "Just tell the truth, Elliot. There is nothing more to discuss."

—

When they were finished with the long grueling process of walking through every detail of Lewis, Olivia wearily walked out of the room feeling violated all over again. Elliot was the only one who waited for her in the hallway. She then sat with Amaro and Rollins as they waited for Elliot, and then everyone said farewell, and Elliot drove her back to Cassedy's apartment. It almost felt like a normal day for Olivia. The two of them, were interrogated at IAB. Now sitting in their usual pensive silence for a moment as he drove. He was a comfort.

He on the other hand felt an unrest. He recounted the interview several times over in his mind as they sat in lunch traffic.

Flash to earlier

"Detective Benson….Olivia…dropped the gun and it lay next to Lewis who was about to grab it. She was between myself and Lewis. Lewis was taunting her. He had psychologically broken her over the course of three days, and he used that to his advantage. He knew every detail of her life. I tried to get a better siteline on Lewis, because he was escalating, but then Olivia grabbed for the rod, she hit him repeatedly, and then once I knew Lewis was no longer a threat, I stopped her."

"About how many times would you say Detective Benson hit him?"

Elliot's temples pulsed as he overthought the count. He knew she hit him over 10 times, but he couldn't say that. "I'm not certain."

"Guess about how many times the Detective hit him?"

Elliot's veins boiled over every time Tucker tried to turn Liv into a suspect by using her professional title. "Our victim, Ms. Benson, hit her abductor who drugged her and attempted to rape her and torture her, approximately six times. Maybe more….maybe less."

"And Lewis had the gun?"

Elliot's palms were hot from being both nervous and angry, but he kept his composer for her. "No, but he could have grabbed it. Olivia did what she had to do to protect herself, and I stepped in shortly after."

"Lewis was hit at least 10 times…possibly more. Blows to the lungs and to the head. That's a long time for you to question if a man who never grabbed for the gun, was still a threat. Why didn't you stop Olivia from hitting Lewis sooner?"

"I…stopped him when I saw that he was no longer a threat and that I could take him down without him firing a shot."

"But he didn't have the gun. Why didn't you stop her from hitting Lewis, Sergeant?"

"I…I don't know."

Tucker huffed. "You don't know why you watched your old partner kill a man, or you wanted her to kill him?"

"It took me a moment to stop Liv, because I was in a bit of shock. It took me a second to react."

Tucker flicked the video off. "That's what you want to say? Really? You, a decorated Sergeant for the NYPD for 20 years. You've witnessed hundreds of heinous crimes, taken out some of the most diabolical criminal minds, and…you were in shock."

Elliot didn't flinch. "Yeah."

The two men glared at each other like lions waiting to pounce. Finally, Tucker gave in and flicked the record button on the video camera. "Why do you think you were in shock, Sergeant?"

"I've known the victim, Detective Olivia Benson, for 15 years. She was my partner for 12 years. We've been through every single kind of hell imaginable together on the job. Never once, in all that time, have I seen her broken the way I found her when I walked into that room. Lewis said things about her that I wasn't expecting him to say. He was taunting us both. When she took control of the situation…I had never seen her react in that way, and I was in…what some might call," and he mockingly slowed down his speech. ",shock."

Tucker was furious at this response. He clicked off the camera again and threw his pen. "Fuck, Stabler. Can you just say Lewis had the fucking gun so that we can sweep this bullshit under the rug and move on?"

"So you want me to lie?"

"I want you to make this easier for yourself…or if it makes it better for you, I want you to make this easier for HER!" Tucker rubbed his eyes with one hand and leaned on the desk. It was the most amount of emotion Elliot had ever seen form him. "Do you want this to go to trial? Because all it's gonna take is one person to show up for Lewis' funeral, and this whole thing becomes a lawsuit, and possible jail time for one or both of you."

Elliot contemplated it all. "What did she say about the gun?"

"She said she wasn't sure if he had the gun. Which works for her. She was drugged and tortured for three days."

"Fine. Rewind the tape."

Tucker rewinded and started the tape again. "Why didn't you stop Detective Benson from hitting Lewis over 10 times?"

"He had the gun. I feared he would use it. Olivia Benson did what she had to do in order to protect herself from Lewis firing a shot. Once I saw the gun was on the ground and Lewis was unconscious, I stopped Olivia, who was in shock from three days of being drugged and tortured. Afterward, I treated her like any victim, and immediately took her out of the area and into an ambulance."

"Is there anything else you want to add?"

"No."

Tucker stopped the tape one final time.

"There. Was that so hard?"

Elliot shook his head. He didn't like Tucker and he didn't trust Tucker, and now Tucker had him on tape lying.

FLASH

Elliot snapped out of his thoughts and looked over at her. She sat in the quiet car, her eyes tired, and blank, and deep in thought.

His hand sat on the gear shift and tapped it every so often. She started to count the taps and then lightly grasped the top of his hand and squeezed it hard.

"Thank you."

He rubbed her fingers with his thumb, glad to feel her, and she took a full breath for the first time in hours.

"You did good today, Liv."

She nodded. "I told the truth and that's all I can do."

"That's all you can do."

She nodded again, almost like a child and then pulled her hand away. "Why didn't you tell me you moved up in rank?"

The question threw him off. "Ah…Sergeant…eh…," he grumbled. ", because I hate being a Sergeant. I didn't want to take the exam. I don't like being in charge of colleagues, especially cops with anger management issues. I can barely manage my own anger, let alone a team of it."

"At least you acknowledge it now…so you got something out of it," she half smiled, and he smiled warmly back at her. For a moment she was back, and then she pulled her eyes away.

He ignored her impulse to pull away and kept the conversation going.

"I do a lot of undercover work in Italy. I loved it, but it almost wrecked me. I…hadn't checked in with my kids in 8 months. Eli…is…a whole different kid. I don't want to be that dad anymore. I can't be. I'm trying to get a transfer back here, but waiting for something to open up. Sergeant makes this transfer even harder as there aren't many openings. I'm sure that's another reason Tucker wanted me to move up in rank. He knew I'd have a hard time coming back."

"I'm supposed to take the Sergeant exam next week, maybe it's good that I now have to postpone it."

"Oh, no no. You should be a Sergeant. You'll be great at it."

"I thought so..." she trailed off wondering if she'd ever gain her confidence back.

Elliot could see her wheels turning. "Want to trade ranks?"

"Ha…"

"Once you get passed this, you're going to take over SVU."

"You think?"

"Yeah. You're good at herding angry detectives."

"I learned from the best," she glanced at him with a smirk.

"Ha," he smirked back, and pulled the car over. "This is your stop. Sure you want to go back to Cassedy's place? We can get you a Hotel room."

"It'll be fine," She felt foolish saying the words. " Besides...I don't want to be alone right now."

"I have a spare bedroom… I mean, you'd have to share the apartment with me and Eli, but you won't be alone."

"It's only for a week. I'll be good. I get my old place back in a week, and…and then…I go back to work and back to my own life. ….my…life…whatever…that means.."

She trailed off.

FLASH

Lewis' breath hit her ear, like he was whispering.

"Husbandless, childless, fuck, you don't even have a cat. You live a lonely life. You'll die a lonely life. No one is even looking for you…I'm doing you a favor. I should just put you out of your misery now."

FLASH

"Liv?," Elliot's voice took over.

She sucked in sharply and snapped out of it.

"Where'd you go?"

"Ah…just a little tired. You know what…Cassedy is undercover tonight and tomorrow…maybe I will stay with you. Just for the night."

Later that evening, Olivia found herself sitting at Elliot's clean dining room table, playing Uno with Eli, while Elliot made them all dinner.

"Why do you have a boo boo," Eli asked, pointing at Olivia's lip and upper eye.

Olivia turned red and silent, unsure what to say. "Ah... I-"

"She had an accident, Eli," Elliot answered for her. He set a small glass of wine in front of her.

"Is that why you were on the news? Because of the boo boos," Eli continued.

"Eli, yes. And let's not pry. It's not polite to ask people about their boo boos. Take your turn, please," Elliot gave him a stern look, and Eli continued the game, quickly forgetting about the boo boo.

"Uno!," he shouted and jumped.

"Uno again," she smiled at him. "Are you sure you're not a professional Uno player?"

"I am! I'm a pro. Your turn. Your turn," he wiggled about on his chair bursting for her to lose so he could do his victory lap around the room.

Liv could clearly see what card he had, and of course, she let him win. "Well…all I have is red, so I guess I have to play a red card."

Eli slammed his Red Number 8 onto her Red Number 2 and jumped out of his chair. "Yeah! I am the champion of Uno! Daddy, I won again! I won! Wooooooooohooooooo!"

"Okay, Bud, let's not be a sore winner."

Eli was flailing about the kitchen by the stove. "I won. UNO. I am the best. Me."

"Eli," Elliot was juggling a hot pan of chicken and rice on the stove that was beginning to burn.

"I won. I won. Three times!"

"Eli!," he snapped a little. "Eli, get out of the way!"

Eli stopped at his father's tone.

"Calm down. You're gonna burn yourself on the stove."

"No, I'm not," He stomped his foot definitely.

The tension was thick for a moment as Elliot pulled himself together. He hadn't played the role of Eli's dad in quite some time and it was clear they were both rusty at living together again, by the fat tears welling up in Eli's eyes. He caught Olivia's face and quickly warmed his voice and lifted Eli from the ground.

"Buddy, hey, I'm sorry I yelled. The stove is very hot right now."

"I miss mommy."

"We can call her after dinner. K?"

"I want to call her now," he sniffed.

"Can you help set the table? Dinner is ready."

"NO."

Olivia cleaned the cards up. "Hey, guys, it's okay. I got the table. Eli, I bet your mom would love to know that you won Uno three times AND that you were a part of the clean plate club."

"What's the clean plate club?"

"Well, it's a special club that you only get to be a part of, if you eat all of your dinner."

"Do you get a sticker?"

"Sure."

Eli walked over to Olivia. "Do you have the sticker?"

Olivia thought about it for a second and remembered she had some police badge stickers in her purse that she kept in case she needed one on the job for a kid. "I do. Why don't you wash your hands and after dinner you can surprise your mom."

"Okay!," his face lit up and then he hugged Olivia.

She was taken aback by the feeling of human touch. "Oh. Okay."

"You're pretty. I like you."

And then he ran to the hallway bathroom.

Elliot sighed and took a large sip of wine. "You sorry, you came yet?"

Olivia half laughed and then yawned. She shuffled around the kitchen trying to find plates or utensils or anything that resembled setting a dinner table. "Not at all. I just wish I could…enjoy this more…I feel like I'm not very present. I am feeling a little out of it. I may just skip dinner and go to bed early, if that's okay."

Elliot stopped her. "You don't have to set the table. And this chicken looks dry. Why don't you go take a shower and get some rest."

She nodded. "Yeah..okay. Is that okay with you?"

"Anything you need, I'm good with."

She turned to leave looking at the real apartment Elliot kept. His real life, with kids and adult things. His large wrap-around couch fit for a family to sprawl out and watch a movie together. His family picture on the wall across from her. The full wine rack. The open kitchen with it's beautiful marble countertop and the scented candle, so that he could invite others to gather and converse. The way he knew how to make dinner without a recipe and juggle a child at the same time, even under pressure, it was more than she'd ever done.

As she walked to the back room, a feeling of absolute panic washed over her entire body. Her mind raced. She grabbed her overnight bag and tried to shake off the anxiety in the guest bathroom. The water ran in the shower and she undressed. The reflection in the mirror was that of horror. The burns on her body. The bruising and the cuts on her face.

"What are you doing with your life, Olivia?", she thought to herself. "What have you even done? You have nothing. You have a boyfriend that can't say he loves you. You have an apartment that is no longer livable. You have nothing. You're a failure. You're 40 years old and you're a failure."

She grabbed the small scissors in her toiletry bag and began cutting all of her hair off. She wanted nothing to do with the Olivia that failed. Trying to remember a time when she felt strong and alive. Wrecking her brain for a moment when she had her life together. She just kept cutting at her hair. The steam from the shower began to fog the mirror and she erratically wiped it off with her hand as she snipped her hair. She looked at the new cut and fixed it slightly.

Then her eyes fell to the hair all over the sink and floor, and she panicked again realizing she messed up Elliot's clean home. Tears filled her eyes and she held back sobbs that could have easily turned into wails.

"Stupid. You're so stupid. Lewis was right. Look at you. You're acting like an idiot in front of the one person you've ever loved who actually has their life in order. You shouldn't have come over here. Clean up his bathroom, you stupid woman. You're going to ruin this too."

She dropped the scissors and a glass soap dish followed it making a loud crashing sound on the tile floor.

Elliot's voice could be heard on the other side. "You okay, Liv?"

"Yeah," she tried to hold back the sound of her wavering voice. "I'm fine. I…just dropped the soap dish. I'll clean it."

"Can I help?"

She grabbed the towel in panic. "NO! I'll get it."

"Okay. Do you need a dustpan?"

"It's not bad. I got it!"

"Okay. Just shower. I can clean it."

She caught another glimpse of herself in the mirror again. "OH god, Olivia….he's going to think you're crazy. Cutting your hair. Just get in the shower and go to bed. You need to go to bed."

She quickly cleaned the hair up and put it into the toilet and flushed it.

She listened for a moment, and when Elliot walked away she took in a deep breath, calmed herself, and got in the water. She stood there a long time trying to wash the hurt and pain off of her body. The spray of the shower hit her face and she sobbed until she had nothing left to cry and her palms were tight and pruned.

When she stepped out of the bathroom in her comfy pants, her t-shirt, and her short hair dripping, Elliot jumped from the couch to help her with any glass on the floor.

"Did you…," he noticed her hair. "Get all of the glass? You cut your hair."

She touched it, her eyes visibly still red.

"Looks good," he quickly added.

She walked to the back room. "I'm going to…"

"Yeah," he nodded, clearly worried for her, and relieved she was here and not alone at Brian's apartment.

She couldn't sleep though. The walls were thin. She tossed and turned and listened to Eli talk to Kathy on the phone, and then Eli's bedtime routine, and then Elliot reading him a Gerald and Piggy book before tucking him in, and just as she was about to let the dark room take her into a deep slumber Lewis held her gun to her mouth and he was raping her this time. She shot up screaming and writhing. Elliot quickly opened the door.

"Liv!"

He held her. "Shhh shh shhh. It's just a dream. It's okay. I've got you. It's just a dream."

She grabbed hold of him tightly and took in deep breaths of air until her heart rate returned to normal.

With no words at all Elliot lay back on the bed and pulled her into his arms.

She eased into the crook of his chest and arm and let herself fall there while he lightly stroked her hair.

He held her all night. She held him tightly back.