XXII) The Title of The King (1/3)
(Starts right where we left - at Gon's italicized (Oh) WTF moment!)
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Gon POV:
First, there is just *blank*.
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"Pyeha?"
Gon's brain is still reeling from utter shock and outright disbelief; but reboots to the sound of Yeong's surprised voice. Of course Yeong has noticed he'd just blipped out: Gon's mouth is still half open in shock and Gon is fairly certain he must have blanched and stopped breathing to boot. Gon feels yet disoriented - as if experiencing the moment through a hazy veil, still somehow disconnected from reality. Did what happened actually happen? Did Gon truly feel like-
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Then, in panicked knee-jerk reaction, comes denial - even if short-lived, as everything suddenly turn back to sharp focus:
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"Pyeha, what's wrong ?!", Yeong pushes on, voice turning even more concerned and eyes now running all over Gon.
And Gon *cannot* tell - cannot speak, to begin with: as if rendered mute - physically; paralysed, like some frozen-in-place soon-to-be road-kill. But if Gon is not only not inclined but even not able to consider this as some momentary insanity to silly joke about; well, then it means that he *knows* already that it is real - and the real deal; and Gon tips past denial and gets crushed under the correlated avalanche of guilt at once crashing over him. It stabs right through: the horrifying double betrayal; of two of the three people who matter the most.
/
And now, there's only guilt. And shame. And fear. And guilt. And shame. And fear. On loop.
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Gon knows he should speak: he has no idea yet about what he is going to say, but surely, he should speak - say something, anything; stall until he's figured out some plausible explanation for his strange current behaviour; preferably, even, get Yeong to leave so he can... think this through? Gon takes a meant-to-be centering breath; and Yeong's attention instantly zeroes back to his face, you bet: eager for Gon's next words - or maybe simply to assert whether Gon can properly breathe at all to start with?
And Gon suddenly realizes how close they are, still - his hand, yet on Yeong's shoulder.
Gon at once jerks his hand away, nothing but burnt by what suddenly feels like a stolen lingering touch - and unable to decide what hurts the most: the definitely inappropriate longing to put his hand right back where it was even knowing he shouldn't, or the nauseous warped wrong new edge to the old cherished gesture that has always felt nothing but so deeply satisfyingly right.
The motion though attracts Yeong's attention and only causes the contrary of what Gon had intended, as Yeong immediately takes control of his arm in order to check his pulse, not letting go even when Gon reflexively attempts to pull it free - of course Yeong just *isn't* going to let Gon even try to hide anything right now: it is his duty *not* to; and Gon is hit by yet another mental truck as it dawns on him that he *likes* it - experiencing Yeong's strength? Which is not exactly new - Yeong pushing him to the ground or pulling him into the getaway car at trainings not only safe but also agreebly familiar - but which feels right now *very different* all the same; and again: WHAT!?; and again: NO! (even as Gon understands the denial to be futile). And again: guilt. Gon wants to *scream*.
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It is Yeong's voice though that echoes around them as Yeong lets go of his wrist to press his comm: voice hurried but clear; nothing but professional and efficiently methodical even through his by now evidently definitive worry - and there is guilt, again; even if of another kind:
"Attention and copy! H1: Court Physician to His Majesty's Private Office; His Majesty is unwell." (Obviously, Yeong is never again leaving Gon's side in order to fetch the Court Physician himself - possibly necessary secrecy notwithstanding) "A6: with me. Team2: Prepare for possible evacuation. Palace: Standby for contact with The Royal Hospital and with Lady Noh."
Only the last part isn't logistically expected; but this is Yeong, so indubitably he doesn't forget to include Lady Noh - and not because of her tasks at The Palace. It feels like an added punch to Gon's guts.
Yeong's hands now appear at both his shoulders's sides, shaking him once - a call for attention:
"Your heart rate is quite elevated, Pyeha. Talk to me; nod if you can't. Pain in your chest? Neck? Shoulder? Arm? Do you feel dizzy? Nauseated?"
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Gon is at last slapped out of his panick-induced daze as it sinks in that Yeong is listing the checks for possible heart attack. Does Gon actually look in that bad a shape? Well, Gon will have to freak out about his unwelcome epiphany and work out how to deal with its consequences *later*; right now, what matters is that Yeong shouldn't have to worry over him like that, for sure.
"I'm fine, Yeong-ah", Gon finally rushes to let out now that he can speak again to start with. Gon hardly recognizes his own voice; it sounds half breathless still.
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The door unceremoniously slams open without the protocolair knocking and two guards walk into the room, ready for their next order. Gon estimates his private office is soon to get overcrowded. But it is a good thing, in fact: an audience makes the setting at once less intimate; and helps him distanciating himself from all those disturbing conflicting new emotions by putting on the expected regalian stance when in public - and bonus, without Yeong even sensing that he is doing it to distanciate himself *from him*.
"I'm fine", Gon repeats, louder and with more conviction. And it feels grounding, to speak up - to finally retake control of his own narrative. If Gon feels again in control of himself, he will also be able to control the situation, right. He's The King. He's supposed to keep his cool under duress to save the day. And so he will.
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Yeong is still looking at Gon with utter concentration; pinning him under an even more piercing gaze than usual. Gon stares right back. And Gon is accutely aware of being scrutinized and analysed. And no matter how much well acquainted Gon is to the irking sensation, and how much he knows better than to get affected by it, Gon realizes he is actually afraid of being exposed right now - which is unnerving, not only because Gon is The King and should never be seen through against his will, for sure, but even more, because this is Yeong - and beeing seen by Yeong is not supposed to be an issue to start with - on the contrary: it is maybe not always exactly opportune, naturally; but it is always trusted and welcome nonetheless. Gon knows though this is exactly the reason why he is panicking: because Yeong does know how to read him; and because Gon trying not to be read by Yeong would only make plain to Yeong that Gon is actually trying to hide something. Circle of doom, you bet. Gon internally curses.
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Yeong isn't buying Gon's tale yet though - judging from his still knitted eyebrows when he is done with his renewed inspection:
"Let's sit down anyway until The Court Physician arrives, Pyeha." It is not a suggestion. "Cushions. Water."
Two cushions normally on the chairs around his desk materialize on the ground next to him - one on the floor, one against the wall - thanks to one of the newly arrived guards.
"With all due respect, Pyeha", Yeong says, probably gentler than The Captain of The Royal Guard should sound - entirely in his right at the moment to manhandle him if necessary after all.
So Gon lets Yeong guide him down, knowing it to be standard procedure - leaning against the wall and bending his knees even as he insists on how unnecessary it actually is:
"Don't you think this is all overly dramatic, Captain Jo?" - throwing in the only personal address when other guards are around in cajoling reassurance.
"Better safe than sorry, Pyeha."
Yeong stays crouched down in front of Gon; focused and attentive. The second guard brings one small capped bottle of water over to Yeong - there are always a few at the ready at Gon's desk. Yeong opens it; drinks some; waits some; presents it to him:
"You should hydrate yourself, Pyeha. Drink up if you can."
So Gon does; not even rolling his eyes. Running along instead of throwing a tantrum in resistance is actually the most efficient and fastest way to get everyone to see that he is indeed all right - and leave him alone.
While Gon drinks, Yeong takes his unoccupied left wrist, in order to check his pulse again. Gon doesn't fight him this time. First, because it would only increase Yeong's (and everyone's) worry if he did. Second, because now that he has prior knowledge and is once more alert and prepared to filter out his reactions, his pulse should turn out quieter; which should quiet down Yeong's worry more effectively than any actual words. Yeong's touch is once more only firm and to-the-point, as Yeong minutes away his heart rate. Gon recites in his head Euler's number, intent on blocking out the evident strength yet obvious gentleness nonetheless in Yeong's fingers against his skin.
Half of Team 2 files in, ready to help carrying him away if needed (Gon knows the second half is busy with readying the cars and organizing free-passage to The Royal Hospital), and the Palace duo moves back to take position in the corridor, in order to keep it free should it be necessary.
Gon is finished drinking. Yeong lets go of his wrist and takes the empty bottle, blindly handing it out to the nearest guard:
"Your heart rate is quieting down. Can you breathe with me, Pyeha?"
So Gon nods. Yeong inhales and exhales deeply a few times - Gon mirroring and Yeong checking for signs of pain or unease and monitoring his awareness by keeping him busy as he does.
Hurried footsteps coming down the corridor.
"Good. Thank you, Pyeha."
The Court Physician arrives; and Yeong at once fills him in while moving aside to make room for him to check on Gon. Gon can't help but feel bypassed - can't no one just believe him at his word? He knows better than to take it to heart, though: his health *is* actually a matter of national importance.
"Out", Yeong says and all guards exit the room, closing the door behind them to respect Gon privacy. Yeong stays in: The King must never be alone with a doctor, protocol indicates - for both their sake.
"How are you feeling, Your Majesty?", Doctor Han asks as he levels himself down until he's eye to eye with Gon.
"I feel just fine, Doctor Han. I assure you there is no reason for all this", Gon answers, already unbuttoning his shirt anyway.
"Well, that's what I'm here to ensure, Pyeha", Doctor Han replies, stethoscope at the ready.
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"Good, Your Majesty. I don't notice anything unusual either; but I'd rather run a few extra tests, with your permission", Doctor Han says once he's done.
Gon knows his permission on the subject is but a manner of speech. It is not common for Yeong to call on The Court Physician outside of Gon's planned regular checks-up, so the Court Physician definitely takes Yeong's worry seriously.
"At The Palace. And no change to the agenda. Gala tonight. Cup finale's opening tomorrow afternoon", Gon says while rebuttoning his shirt. No need to have the whole country in a twist over what Gon knows to be nothing.
"Of course, Your Majesty."
Doctor Han turns his attention to Yeong, who answers without further prompting being necessary:
"There are about three hours still before His Majesty should take some time to get ready."
Doctor Han meets Gon's eyes again:
"That will be more than sufficient for now. If you will accompany me to the Infirmery, Pyeha?"
"I'll be right behind you", Gon nods before getting up on his own before Yeong can offer his help; both for show ('I am fine indeed') and to avoid contact. Gon straightens his clothes, walks towards the door - cue that he is ready. Yeong opens the door. As they exit, Yeong motions for two Team 2 guards to follow, in case.
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After a longer than usual electrocardiogram and after having some blood taken for analysis (Doctor Han leaving right away to take it to the lab), Gon is finally free to go to his private quarters - to shower and prepare for the evening, officially; to have a moment on his own, actually.
Yeong hasn't said one word to Gon since they left Gon's private office - about one hour ago by now. Not only because they are not alone, but also because Doctor Han is at the moment the one best suited to care for Gon. Gon feels though the permanent weight of his gaze: puzzled and worried still - Yeong hadn't even slightly relaxed when Doctor Han had declared his electrocardiogram as showing nothing out of order. Gon feels like a coward, but he is actually relieved when they reach his appartments and he has a valid excuse to get a moment on his own, at last.
"See you in a few", Gon says to Yeong dismissively, while the guards at his door open the door for him, the guards on duty inside his private chambers having already been called to exit as Gon was approaching. Gon nods in thanks as he passes them by; and Yeong stays outside, along with his still unanswered unasked questions and his worries, no matter what Gon might say.
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Gon goes straight to his bathroom - needing as many closed doors as possible between him and the rest of the world to... hide? jail himself away? think in peace, anyway.
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He'd wanted to kiss Yeong.
His internal voice doesn't sound like an interrogation in puzzlement anymore; it is an objective fact, hitting the nail square and repeatedly in his head, unescapable no matter if unwanted.
He'd wanted to kiss Yeong.
Gon feels filthy - so filthy. And to think he had believed he had hit rock bottom at introspection, when having been confronted with his monstrous evil twin's actions. But this definitely feels worse still.
He'd wanted to kiss Yeong.
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Now that he is on his own though, Gon can analyse it more clearly; even if the epiphany is nothing but a devastating tsunami, emotionally.
On the one hand, Gon feels downright torn apart anew by the claws and clutches of the mirroring shadows from Seon Ho's horrendous past. Of course that notion alone is enough to send Gon reeling to his knees; to make him sick right down to his bowels. Knowing about Seon Ho's abuse is already so terrifyingly terrible on its own; but only imagining *Yeong* being submitted to it feels even worse, still - no matter the added new guilt now towards Seon Ho too. But Yeong had been right; and even though Gon indeed cannot help but feel responsible somehow for his monstrous evil twin's actions: they are still different people; and those actions hadn't been his. But now that *he* wants Yeong? Well; to say Gon has never felt that filthy is yet an understatement.
On the other hand, though, and no matter how much he is freaking out, you bet, Gon is not blinded enough not to see that the situation is entirely disparate still. Gon isn't afraid of something alike actually happening. The concept, even though the fear for it is definitely real, is simply *an impossibility*.
Gon *loves* Yeong - always has; always will. That love is long carved into his bones; and constantly runs all through his veins. Is that love possessive? Yes. Definitely. No matter how cringe it feels, whenever Gon gets to admit it to himself in passing - only to himself; and only in passing. But this is nothing new. Gon is aware of that fact; has been aware of that fact all his life - and has always relished on the knowledge that Yeong *is* his, possible murky underlayers notwithstanding. Because the thing is: Yeong wants it that way to begin with - and not only welcomes it but even pursues it; so is it actually wrong for Gon to enjoy it? Besides, Gon's possessiveness is *part* of his love for Yeong; but by far not the whole, right. In fact, Gon savors and *needs* Yeong's *independance* right as much (and possibly even more, actually) as his proprietorial claim of him. That dichotomy is maybe at the core what actually shapes and defines their relation, in fact - and what gives it worth: the way they both know Gon owns Yeong - body, heart and soul; and yet, their bond is still Yeong's choice nonetheless - has always been, day after day; and must always be.
So. Of course Gon could *never* harm Yeong; force Yeong. Gon can't help but effectively shudder and recoil in utter disgust at the mere thought. Gon knows exactly how much he actually *cherishes* Yeong - always has; always will; again - and how much Yeong's well-being is paramount to him. So. It would not only go against everything Gon feels for Yeong in particular - and against everything Gon aspires to be as a human being in general; it would also go against everything Gon would even want about that particular matter, in fact. Gon would never feel the nauseating greedy control and power (Gon already has anyway, his mind can't help but ad-lib) trip Seon Ho had used to have to suffer to endure for so long - for too long. It is even the contrary, in truth. Yeong deserves to be loved and cherished and revered in any and every way - not to mention to feel good and to get to relax and loosen up, if only from time to time. So Gon knows what he wants, in truth, beyond the blatant new sudden want, is to be *the one* *allowed* to make Yeong feel good - to take care of Yeong in that way too. Gon doesn't want Yeong for the sake of selfishly wanting Yeong for himself. He wants Yeong to want him - to want *him* to want him - in this just as in anything else. Anything less would not only be meaningless; it would also be simply and entirely unsatisfactory.
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So yes.
He had wanted to kiss Yeong.
He still wants to kiss Yeong, to tell it all - as he rethinks about it.
Nothing more than a lazy soft lingering kiss. But not as in some theoretical 'I wonder how it would be/I wouldn't mind if' curious contemplative musing. No: a visceral longing for such shared physical intimacy.
And Gon suddenly reminisces: today isn't even actually the first time he'd wanted to kiss Yeong? (AN: More will be told about this in next chapter.)
Gon feels so very stupid; and so very blind?
Nothing makes sense anymore; and yet everything settles back into perfect sense anyway. It is quite blatant, in retrospect, maybe? Gon had never really thought about it; and had never seen it coming - filtering it all through the glasses of misconceptions and (false?) assumptions (and now lost delusions?) he had evidently used to wear - both about himself and about his feelings towards Yeong?
After all, Gon's whole life on that particular matter had already been written even long before he came to be. He is The King. It is his duty to have heirs. But even from his own personal point of view, well: Gon has always imagined his future including Tae Eul and their children. So Gon had never doubted being straight. He had simply never considered he might not be; Gon had in fact never pondered about his sexuality. But now?
If he is to be honest, though, Gon knows he has a tendency to find about everything and everyone beautiful, actually. (And well, he can't affirm being strictly straight in every universe - sadly.) So, is he maybe omni?
To *experience* actual desire though just from looking at someone is quite uncommon to him - and from every gender, now that he reflects upon it. Besides Tae Eul, indeed. And now, well... Yeong? Which is also why the unusual thought (not only about Yeong, but about in fact anyone but Tae Eul) had surprised him and hit him that hard? Gon has never been interested in pursuing anyone but Tae Eul. And Gon has never thought and still doesn't think about someone, whenever masturbating. So maybe he is... demi? Be it that he is wired that way from nature, or that he wired himself that way, or that even circumstances wired him that way? Gon knows he is always prudent about who not only to trust but even simply to let close - and even more to touch; has always been, even in the new timeline, so... It might check? Possible further might-be necessary self-enquiry notwithtanding? At least, it feels more reassuring, and understandable, than his first horrific take about this new development?
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But the intrinsic realization about not truly being a monster, no matter how valid and necessary and welcome, isn't giving Gon much solace at all. Because Gon knows he wouldn't have to force Yeong to harm him; and that's maybe the most terrifying thought of all.
Because if Gon wants Yeong - well, that's the key of the issue right here: that *he* wants Yeong.
In a theoritical way, Gon *can* understand wanting Yeong - indeed. What is there not to want? It is after all public knowledge (judging from silly polls in people magazines etc) that probably over half The Kingdom sort of fancies Yeong; and the notion has never even felt problematic. People have eyes; and Yeong *is* beautiful - it's just an objective truth. Also, Yeong *knows* he is beautiful, too - and isn't even shy about using that knowledge to its advantage. No matter how silly and superficial Yeong's vanity may seem, it is part of his self-esteem building (he has always been told he was beautiful, mind you) and therefore will always be valid and welcome, not only to Yeong but also to Gon. Yeong knows anyway, just as Gon, that Yeong's achievements are actually hard fought-for and more than well-deserved, and not at all about pure genetic chance. But Yeong does feel honestly good in his own skin, and so of course Gon not only doesn't mind about Yeong being a potential center of attention, he also wants Yeong to get attention, and so yes, even that kind of attention; and he even enjoys it and takes pride in it whenever it evidently happens - because Yeong does to begin with. Moreover, it never fails to present Gon with endless reasons to tease Yeong about it all: added bonus, definitely.
More to the point, even, Gon knows he would be glad about anyone (sincerely, of course) wanting to be with Yeong. Gon has always wished for Yeong to find his other half and his happily ever after - and *he still does*; no matter being self-aware enough to acknowledge his would-be correlated jealousy - which wouldn't even be about the physical aspect of that would-be relationship, to be honest, his new epiphany notwithstanding: Gon knows it might not be exactly right, but he knows he's a glutton when it comes to Yeong - he has always been. Gon wants Yeong's time and love and attention (mostly) for himself - has always wanted it; and he is spoiled and so used to having it that losing even any minute of it would feel nothing but amputating. But Gon has never doubted that he would nevertheless not only accept it but even be thankful for it when the time would come for Yeong to settle with someone - which was why Gon had actually rooted, even if in vain, as he had realized earlier today (which might have worked as the last trigger about Gon's following realization?), about coupling Yeong to Myeong Seung Ah, as they had appeared to him to be destined to be (and she was working for The Palace too; safe bonus, Gon could admit if only to himself?); but also simply because Gon has always believed that he would always be right at the center of Yeong's life anyway. Which was maybe not exactly right either; but denying it would feel even more wrong, in a way. Again: Yeong *is* his. There might come a time when Yeong might not be (mostly) *only* his; but Gon has never doubted that Yeong would always be his nonetheless. Such knowledge has always been Gon's blessing - and responsability.
Which is why, as far as Gon is concerned, everybody is welcome to want Yeong; but not Gon himself.
Because Gon doesn't even have to think to *know* that Yeong doesn't see him in that way to start with. Yeong is always just too transparent and straightforward. If he had ever felt that kind of feelings for Gon, even if only temporarily, he would have come forward: confess his feelings as an apology about the rumors probably being of his making then, because people had apparently noticed what he must have been unable not to let through; insist that he knew of course that Gon loved him but didn't return this kind of feeling and never would; and hand over his resignation - at least about being an official member of The Royal Guard, even if he might more or less secretly still stick around, ninja style, off the record (but on The Palace paycheck - Lady Noh would no doubt come up with something), Gon is ready to bet. No matter how much Yeong needs to keep Gon safe, he would never want to be reason for bringing shadows upon Gon's reputation and be the cause for possible problems for Gon's future love life. And Gon would have felt flattered, no doubt - and would have said so, if only in the hope to get Yeong to feel less guilty about it all. And Gon would have been sorry and saddened, about putting Yeong in such an unwanted awkward position to start with, honestly. He would have of course right away refused Yeong's resignation - because Yeong's feelings couldn't and didn't change anything, nor about their bond nor about his trust in Yeong, and there would be no way Gon would ever lose Yeong's both service and company over what was in the end simply some trivial *detail*. Gon would have simply reset his criterias about finding a perfect match for Yeong, because Yeong deserved to be happy and not pine over him endlessly, preferably. So. If it had been Yeong having such a sudden evolution in his feelings, Gon would have never seen it as something filthy. Gon would have never come to second-guess any touch ever received from Yeong, neither past nor future (far too few to begin with anyway). It would have even been something beautiful and precious; something Gon would have been thankful for - possible twinge of guilt on his side for not being able to return that kind of affection in kind notwithstanding. Would the situation be reversed, it would only bring them closer still; and they might even come to be able to laugh about it, in time.
But it is Gon with those new feelings, and so the situation is entirely different. Because of Gon's position and authority (even without considering and without prior knowledge of his wretched double wrong doings). But possibly even more still, because of Yeong's endless devotion to him. Gon knows how, as far as Yeong is concerned, Gon's wishes are even more commanding than any straight-out order. And that's why anyone else lusting after Yeong wouldn't be wrong in itself (assuming it wouldn't be in any way imposed, of course): because Yeong could choose to say yes or no, and work through the would-be relationship on his own terms. But Gon wanting Yeong *is* definitely wrong, in itself - because it simply yet entirely and devastingly *annihilates* Yeong's agenda. If Yeong ever finds out that Gon harbours such desires? He wouldn't be able to turn Gon down; not only about the new dynamic between them, but also about every aspect of it. Yeong would never say no - could never say no; to anything; so nothing would ever be on his own terms. And the worst would be that Yeong wouldn't even realize it. And that is simply an absolute *no way* for Gon. It is imperative: Yeong can never know - must never come to know.
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But in the end, thankfully, Gon realizes his newly found epiphany *doesn't* have to matter anyway.
People are after all a combination of several factors: where they come from and what they are; which direction they want to follow and who they want to be; and what they do: the choices they make and the actions they take, at every turn of their life's path. And if Gon as King has the authority to bend anyone's will, well, it must certainly apply to his own will too (and possibily first). And this? In itself, it is simply a fact, and nothing more, right: an intrinsic part of him Gon will now learn to live with, be it temporarily or long-term. But what to do about it is still Gon's decision. Life is throwing at him yet another nasty vicious curve ball; but Gon is going to swing it and steer it his way and win anyway. It isn't even damage control if there is no damage done.
This - whatever Gon might come to name it; he still doesn't really have a clue... It's not what Yeong wants. It's not what Tae Eul wants. And in fact, and even more to the point: it's not even what Gon wants. Because Gon honestly, truly, *doesn't* want to want Yeong. Gon is actually so lucky to have actually found the woman he has always wanted - and she is everything he could have ever wished for, and more. Of course Gon wants Tae Eul. Gon has *always* wanted Tae Eul. Moreover, Gon owes them - both Yeong and Tae Eul; and neither of them deserve to be crushed in such would-be consequential trainwreck - and so Gon will just make sure they won't.
So. Apparently, Gon wants Yeong. Well, to quote the man in question, and from what is possibly one of their most meaningful conversation ever: *so what*? Libido is but an urge to scratch at - or not scratch at, in this instance. Wanting Yeong isn't defining. Loving Yeong, just as loving Tae Eul, is - has always been. So how can this ever matter; compared to the blessing that is being allowed to have and keep Yeong in his life. Yeong, alive and happy and (let's be honest) preferably at his side - and wanting to be at his side - is of course more than worth the eventual (non) trouble of eventual zinging tingling itches: Yeong is worth everything to begin with.
So. Gon's course of action is clear. Gon is going to have to walk a very thin line, with as little as no margin at all for error, and for the rest of his life, if the sudden evolution (if not change - not really; he has always loved Yeong after all) is definitive and not temporary crazyness. But Gon will walk that line successfully.
Yeong will never know.
Which means Gon cannot act any differently towards Yeong, or Yeong might not only notice it and question it but also take it completely the wrong way - and put the blame for the shift on himself, when it should fall solely on Gon; and that would be just another no way. Gon knows how much Yeong values his touch. It wouldn't be fair for Yeong to be deprived of it for no reason on his part; and more to the point, Gon simply doesn't want for Yeong to be deprived of it - of anything. So. No matter how painfully tainted it might feel from now on, on his part? Gon will still have to touch Yeong, and exactly as freely as he has always used to. At least, Yeong (thankfully, now, considering) is never the one initiating contact, so there is no real risk for Gon to get caught again about this out of the blue: Gon should be able to play along convincingly enough.
Because Gon is now aware; and he is clear-headed, and responsible, and determined. He knows what he wants to achieve in his life - and what he doesn't.
And in the end, *that* is all that matters.
/
His mind now somehow settled, Gon hurries to shower and actually prepare. The tailors are expecting him.
The evening gala keeps him busy and thankfully away from Yeong; and gives him further time to let it all settle in before their next interaction. Gon takes pride at being actually good at his job though, and he makes sure no one would be able to notice anything out of the ordinary - not even Yeong; who is at such moment after all more focused on everyone around him than strictly on him, which also helps. Keeping up with everyone's chitchat after today's rollercoaster takes his toll though; and Gon is grateful when it is time to leave.
Gon keeps quiet in the car; and so Yeong does too. Gon can feel it in the air, though - Yeong's worry about him still, like a shroud. And as they approach his quarters, Gon finally just needs to do something about it.
"Fancy a game of Dominion, Captain Jo?"
Yeong is surprised, yet no less worried in the least. He is evidently pleased if not relieved, though, and right away accepts the invitation - of course.
They play three short games, on tablets instead of taking out the actual cards, for time management. Yeong wins twice (and Gon hasn't butchered anything - it would have been telltale about something bothering on his mind if he hadn't been truly invested in playing after all). They do not talk much, outside of their playing. But Gon knows Yeong is grateful for the offered opportunity to openly check on him all he wants, no matter the absence of actual question. And it feels good - and right. As always. Just to be together.
Gon knows though Yeong should leave. They have yet another busy day tomorrow, so Yeong will want to sleep, in order to be as pick efficient as usual. Yeong looks unwilling to go yet though, even as they stand facing each other after Yeong had said his goodbye and bowed; and Gon can't help but cave in. He extends his arm towards Yeong - palm up, presenting his wrist:
"Go on, Unbreakable Sword."
Yeong needs a moment to decode the unexpected gesture; but he doesn't hesitate when he finally goes for it - he never does. A minute passes - Yeong feeling his pulse; then letting go with yet another bow.
"Thank you, Pyeha." The rarest of hesitation. "You do feel all right; right?"
And so now Gon just has to take a step forward - "Stop worrying, Yeongie" - and engulf Yeong in a full hug; for the second time in their life.
And it feels just the same; so bone-deep satisfying, on so many levels - and in one in particular, especially right now: it feels *clean* - undoubtly. And Gon is so *relieved*.
"I'm all right. I swear I'm all right. Okay?"
And Yeong kind of melts - some tension finally releasing as he takes a deeper breath, Gon can feel.
"Okay."
Gon lets go.
"See you at breakfast."
They share a smile - and it is so gratifying, as always, to be able to make Yeong smile - and smile like that to boot. Gon feels *it* then, again - the new extra pull; but it doesn't matter. What matters is that Yeong's smile now turns somehow rueful:
"You know though this won't excuse you from your planned appoitment with Dr Lee for another electrocardiogram at 09.30; right, Pyeha?"
Gon has to smile wider, all the while feigning being hurt at having been found out:
"Yah! Can't I just hug you without any further agenda?"
"Apologies for the misunderstanding, Pyeha", with a quick bow. "You may hug me anytime." Yeong is at the same time openly serious and joking - and Gon decides he just might.
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AN:
(Sorry, long time no see. I hope you are all all right :))
I LOVE THEM, OKAY !
I realize though this chapter probably feels *fragmented*. It is actually intended - because imo Gon's mind is running several miles a second and in every directions all at once. I hope though it doesn't read too messy?
Also: Gon is quite a diva, lol (Yeong is too, of course; but their styles are just different.) And it is Gon's turn to practice his skills at compartimentalizing. But please, do not hit him on the head either - he is going through a lot and needs something to hold onto, okay... (Guilty as charged: I evidently love picking at Gon and taking him apart and making him navigate through layers and layers of self doubt - which you must have noticed by now :) I agree it might seem a bit OOC because Gon is always nothing but very self-assured in canon; but everything I put him through is Yeong related, and on that regard, such evolution feels nothing but logical to me post canon - aka post Gon realizing that he can, actually, LOSE Yeong - which is something he has always been very good at not even contemplating as a notion ever before imo. The roots for this are so visibly present in canon, to me. Did Gon took Yeong for granted? YES. Repeatedly and continuously all throughout canon. That doesn't have to mean he doesn't truly CARE though (on the contrary - he is even entirely smitten with Yeong imo). And in a way maybe this whole fic (read strictly through Gon POV) is actually Gon coming to terms with his past behaviour and feeling like he should make amends and do beter or whatever, only to get time and time again slapped in the face by Yeong being as ever the concrete block of concrete made of undiluted unweavering devotion and love he has always been telling Gon to stop being an idiot (respectfully) because he knows Gon loves him and he loves Gon, end of discussion. DREAMY SIGH. I do wear very particular glasses about their dynamic, but I am never taking them off? It does mean everything to me. (That being said, everyone is feel to agree or disagree; I *know* there are tons of other ways to interpret each and every of their canonic interactions. But this is my fic, so please indulge me?)
And: Yes, I've fallen again in the Dominion pit and it shows - sorry? But I've already mention they enjoy card games; so of course they enjoy Dominion too. So here, brand new headcanon I share for free: of course Vassal is Yeong's card. (For the non players among us: Vassal card shows a vassal swearing allegiance on his knees in front of his liege. It is also A TOOL card. Pretty powerful when combined with the right cards; but always useful even strictly on its own. And Yeong hungers to be USEFUL, right: so of course this is HIS card - no matter the fact that there are actually 'Knight' cards too). And whenever Vassal is on play, the unspoken agreement is that Yeong will buy it and build his strategy around it; while Gon will not only not buy any but also build his own strategy in order to counteract it. ( I am not kidding when I tell you they have taken over my entire life: I apparently can't even play a game of Dominion without being hit in the feels. Well, that's my life now? - and I'm not complaining) (Gon doesn't really have 'a card'. If he had to choose one though, he might go with Baker - after all, he wants his people well-fed, and saving money for later use when needed is nothing but basic well-balanced economy?).
On a final note - about this chapter tiny details, in case anyone might be interested: I figure there are three Court Physicians (Doctor Han and two Doctor Lee (brother and sister) - three points if you guess where I picked the names, lol), ensuring there is always one on service 24/24 7/7. Palace guards work in duo (always at both sides of any door etc) and the fixed spots they are assigned to (by the Palace Head) are designated by letters for the building , then numbers for the sector/perimeter they survey (A is Main, H is The Infirmery, etc etc - Z is outside (gates (north south west - no east, there's the sea) and gardens (numbers)), even if there are less than 25 buildings at the Palace imo ). Palace is the code for the Palace Head (or Acting Palace Head on duty), whose office is by CCTV control and communications. Gon's security teams are volatile and work in accordance to Gon's schedule. It makes sense to me?
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( And as always, thanks for any feedback, it means the Manpasikjeok to me!)