Disclaimers: I do not own Gravity Falls
Author's Notes: Thanks for reading and please review.
(Back with Dipper…)
He was really getting tired of all the monster attacks...
Dipper watched as Bill throws a punch at Three-eyed Potato Baby who falls over onto Deer Beard.
"How are you losing?! You guys have, like, 200 pounds on him!" Tad yelled.
'It wouldn't be so frustrating if they attacked when great-uncle Ford was around.' Dipper thought as he takes out two monsters with one kick. The fact that Tad seemed to always show up when no adults were around was also troubling. And now Dipper was beginning to wonder if perhaps the demon was spying on them.
"Seriously? That one's not even a demon!" Tad growled. "He's a worthless flesh bag."
"Hey my brother is not worthless!" Mabel yelled as she dodges a blow from Bearicorn.
"At least hit her with a rock or something!" Tad yelled ignoring her retort.
Bearicorn roars and throws a pebble at Mabel's head not affecting her at all. Meanwhile Bill jumps off a two-headed monster and lands on top of the shacks totem pole. "Off the pole, over the tree! Nothin' but net!" He said.
He fires a Dagger Crystal Heart Attack which ricochets off the shack and into the back of giraffe monster's neck; knocking him out. "Told you I could do it." Bill said. "Now pay up!"
"Are you guys seriously betting again?" Mabel asked, she punches Bearicorn, delivering several jabs before taking him out with a round house kick.
Dipper sighs and goes to hand Bill a dollar bill, but suddenly with a loud roar more monsters start charging in from the woods. "Double or nothing! One kick, seven monsters!" Dipper said.
Bill smiles and bows letting Dipper go.
"Ahhhh!" Dipper said kicking Buff Frog in the chin, knocking him backwards into the other monsters, and they fall like dominoes. The last monster falls onto Tad crushing him.
"Nooooo!" Tad yelled.
Dipper watched as the monsters slowly got back up and started to limp away.
"What? Where are you lazy monsters going?" Tad yelled. "Get back here you-" He gives up shouting and turns back to Bill. "I'll be back!" He vows and races off after them.
Dipper shook his head this was getting ridiculous.
"After a victory like this, there's only one thing to do: get Chinese food!" Mabel said.
"Ooh, Chinese food!" Bill said. "Never had it, but always wanted to try it." He admitted as he gave Dipper two bills; settling their bet.
"Why thank you." Dipper mused. He took the money and tried to push his worries aside for now. He knew that Tad was more of a nuisance then an actual threat anyway. So why bother making such a big deal about it?
Moments later the three were sitting down at a restaurant having lunch.
"How is it?" Dipper asked Bill.
"Not bad." Bill said, however with all his slurping Dipper knew he thought it was amazing. "Not sure how I feel about these though." He admitted holding up there chopsticks. He had picked up how to use them quicker than most, but still saw them as a hassle.
"They're Traditional." Dipper told him, and was about to go into a historical lecture on the subject when the waiter puts a plate of fortune cookies at their table.
"Let me guess." Bill said picking one up. "These are traditional too?"
Dipper opened his mouth to answer but Mabel stops him.
"These are fortune cookies. They can magically predict the future," She said.
"Really? That's wicked." Bill said. "We have talking calzones that will predict when you're going to die."
"Yeah remind me to never order that." Dipper said deciding to let Mabel have her fun.
"So how does it work?" Bill asked.
"Well you break the cookie open and there's a piece of paper with a fortune on it inside." She explained. She opens her own cookie and reads her fortune, "A friend will greet you with a smile."
"What kind of fortune is that?" Bill asked.
Suddenly Candy walks by. "Hey Mabel!" She says with a smile before sitting down with them.
Bill gives Dipper a look of disbelief.
Dipper lets out a gasp, "See? The cookies know all," he said in a mystical tone. He knew Bill would kill him later for playing along, but he had to admit finally getting one up on him would be worth the trouble.
Bill Cipher had made himself know around the Shack as a prankster and had dubbed himself the prank master. And after all the shenanigans he had put them through Dipper was dying to get even.
"No, it can't be," Bill opens another cookie, "Think positive and good luck will come your way." He looks around, confused. "Seriously?" He looks skeptical and for a moment Dipper thinks he won't buy it. "Okay. I am positive that this is a load of crap."
Just then the waiter passes by the table with a box of fortune cookies.
Dipper thinks fast. "Hey look more cookies!"
"DO you want them?" The waiter asked. "They are stale but I hate throwing out food."
"Sure." Bill says taking the box of cookies.
"See Bill. Good luck did come your way," Mabel said.
"So it did." Bill said with a smile still holding the box. He looks at it thoughtfully and then decides with a nod. "This needs more field testing!"
He grabs Dipper and takes off out of the restaurant.
"Mabel!" Dipper yells for her to rescue him, but she waves him off before continuing her conversation with Candy.
'Seriously? She started this!' Dipper screamed inwardly as Bill dragged him away.
(Back with Tad…)
Meanwhile back at Tad's castle he is fuming with rage.
"You all have one job!" He yelled at his monsters. "And now since you can't do it I have to hire help from the outside!" With that he slams the door on them and enters another room with a large desk. He sits down and growls knowingly. He hated job interviews, but obviously just picking big monsters wasn't going to cut it with his nephew and these kids.
No they were too smart.
All the job applicants who were waiting to be interviewed sat in a nearby waiting room, each had a file discussing their objective; Getting Bill Cipher's cane. The file also include notes and pictures of Bill, his cane and his human protectors. The Applicants studied the file intently knowing they'd have to deliver if they were given the job.
However, one applicant, a blue-skinned Septarian in a black suit seems more focused on the human protectors. The male to be exact, "Dipper Pines." He whispers reading about him. "Can perform magic without a wand, agile, stronger than he looks…." He looks thoughtful and smiles. "Maybe…" He decides. "Yes. This could be the one."
Suddenly a voice shouts for the first applicant. A six-eyed, four-armed monster in a greasy shirt rushes to the door and walks in before sitting before Tad.
Tad's eye twitches. He can already tell this is going to be a bust but he asks. "Any previous job experience?" He takes a pen from his pencil holder. The pencil holder in question looks like Bill with several holes in him. This makes it look like Bill is impaled with pencils like long deadly stakes.
"Eh, previous job experience? Nope. No one's ever been dumb enough to hire me." The first Applicant answered.
"Next!" Tad yelled.
The first applicant frowns and leaves as another enters. This one is a monster with a long, thin neck and a large head.
"Any weaknesses?" Tad asked feeling just as doubtful about this one.
"Weaknesses? I don't have any." The applicant says before his head falls over to the left.
"Next!" Tad screams and the cycle repeats over and over again. A new applicant will enter only to prove they are incompetent for the job seconds after they walk in. After 30 or so interviews Tad rubs his temples in frustration. A headache is starting to form, and he is no closer to solving his original problem.
"That is everyone master." Buff Frog told him the bad news.
"These idiots are even dumber than you idiots!" Tad admitted to him.
Just then the Septarian enters the room upon sitting he slides Tad a glass of Blood wine. It's a popular drink in the Nightmare Realm.
"Vantage." He says. "1700, or do you drink from the bottle?
"On days like this..." Tad says before taking a long swig.
"Tell me about it." The Septarian says.
"Oh, I'll tell you..." He takes another sip before he continues. "I've been trying to steal a wand from a teenager. It's harder than it ought to be." He admitted he tosses glass away. "Wait a second!"
Tad turns to look at Buff Frog. "I thought you said that was everyone?"
"There was only 35 Applicants Master." Buff Frog explained.
Tad looks back at the mysterious guest. "Where did you come from?"
"I let myself in." The Septarian admitted.
"When?" Tad asked.
"After you hired me." The stranger revealed.
"I hired you?" Tad asked confused now more than ever.
Buff Frog shares his expression.
"I accept." The Septarian answers.
It is only now that Tad catches on. This monster was intelligent, manipulating his words for his own purpose. Yes, this was what he needed! A henchman who could actually bring forth results.
"Excellent!" Tad offers his hand and the two shake on it, afterwards the stranger leaves a black card in his grasp.
"We'll start tomorrow. Get some rest." He advised before taking his leave.
Tad is confused once more. "Uhhh... Did anybody catch his name?"
He looks down at the card before Buff Frog can answer. It reads: TOFFEE.
"Toffee!" Tad said out loud, answering his own question. "I guess his name is Toffee!"
(Back with Dipper…)
[The next Day…]
Dipper was beyond his limits of sanity and it was all Mabel's fault. After Bill discovered the "magic" Of fortune cookies they spent all day yesterday testing the belief. Endless hours were spent, opening up cookies at several locations. Reading them, and then trying to decipher the meaning. Most of the time Dipper had to grasp at straws to try and make it look like it came true.
Regardless, Bill seemed to have fallen for Mabel's little ploy hook, line, and sinker. The only problem was Mabel wasn't here! At the last second she decided to have a girl's night over at Candy's. Leaving Dipper to continue her charade.
A charade that was getting in the way of him cooking his nachos! Bill is currently taking up the whole counter top as he riffles through his cookies. He has become so obsessed that he uses them for every decision he makes!
"Oh, wise and powerful cookies, bestow your sugary prophecies upon me," Bill said.
Dipper gives up on his quest for nachos and decides it's time to come clean. "Ehhh...Gotcha, Bill! Those fortunes aren't magic. They're put there by people in a factory." He said, trying to play it off.
"Yeah sure, next you'll tell me Shooting Star has an invisible Wizard in her closet." Bill said, not buying his confession for a second. "It's obvious you just want all these good fortunes to yourself."
Dipper sighs, "I'm serious. They're not real. They're just vague so you can read things into them."
Bill breaks open a cookie, "An unexpected visitor will soon arrive." He sits in a chair and turns to the door expectantly with a large smile.
Dipper walks over and opens and closes the door repeatedly. "See? No one's here."
Suddenly the doorbell rings.
Dipper opens the door again to… "Janna?"
"Sup?" Janna said letting herself in.
"Well, hello, my unexpected visitor," Bill mused.
"Janna, Bill thinks fortune cookies are magical. Will you please tell him they're not?" Dipper said.
"What? Of course they're Magical!" Janna scoffed. "What made you a sudden none believer."
"Seriously?" Dipper growls in frustration. "You too?!"
"He's just sour because I got all the luck." Bill breaks open another cookie, "Reach for the stars and achieve your dream." Bill blasts a hole in the ceiling.
Buff Frog jumped, he was sitting on the roof spying on the children and almost got hit.
Dipper quickly pushes Bill out of the way of falling debris.
"Pegasus feathers! I have always dreamed of having a skylight in here!" Bill said.
Dipper groans face palming.
"Blindly following these fortune cookies is the best decision I've ever made." Bill declared.
Buff Frog stops upon hearing this and decides that this might be something his master can use to finally get the drop on these kids.
Dipper gives Janna a pleading look. "Please…"
Janna looks to Bill. "Should I?"
Bill cracks open a cookie and reads it, "...Nope!"
"Then I'm out." Janna said. "Peace." And walked out the door.
"Well if you are leaving so am I" Dipper said, leaving.
Unfortunately the cause of his torment took his Cookies and followed. He pulls out another cookie from his box. "The last cookie can't wait to get more!" Bill said.
"Bill, I'm telling you, they'll back me up at the restaurant. Food here can't predict the future!" Dipper said. Regardless they make their way back to the restaurant.
(Meanwhile back at Tad's castle...)
Buff fog is just now arriving, and to his dismay the new guy, Toffee is present. He is not sure what it is about the guy, but he just doesn't like him. Tad however, seems to believe he is the answer to all his problems. He pushes his jealousy aside and gives his report.
"Master I bring news." He says.
"You see this is what I am dealing with." He told Toffee. He had been showing his new employ around when Buff Frog had rudely interrupted. "Well go on speak."
Buff Frog cleared his throat. "It would appear the prince seems to be convinced that some kind of fortune cookie can predict the future. He is doing whatever they say."
"Cookies?" Tad asked. "That's your news?"
Buff Frog goes to answer but Toffee cuts in.
"I believe I can use that." He says.
"Really?" Tad asked.
Toffee nods.
Buff Frog pulls his master away in earnest.
"What...What is it?" Tad asked.
"You're letting him come up with a plan?" Buff Frog asked. "You sure you trust him."
"Of course." Tad assures him and with a wave of his hand he gestures for all his minions to follow him and Toffee. He then pulls out his dimensional scissors and cuts a portal which he enters. Toffee and the others follow, with Buff Frog bringing up the rear.
(Back with Dipper…)
About a half hour later Dipper and Bill are nearly at the restaurant when they walk by an alleyway. At the moment two people are having a dance off of some kind.
"What are they doing?" Bill asked
"Shhh. I think one of them is about to get served," Dipper said.
As the two were watching a fly monster sneaks up on Bill and reaches into the cookie box and replacing his fortune cookie with another. As the two boys get closer Tad's army appears.
The two break dancers remove their clothes to reveal two monsters.
Bearicorn appears from under the boom box, "Fooled you! Hahaha!" he laughed.
Dipper goes to attach but is stopped by Bill holding his arm out, he then reaches for his fortune and breaks the cookie. He reads, "Love is always the answer. Hmm." He strangely smiles at those words.
The monsters quickly surround them.
"What?! Not in this case! Fighting is!" Dipper said
"Sorry, Pine Tree. It's not the will of the cookie," Bill said.
Dipper screams as a monster goes to attack but he thankfully dodges in time, "Really?! I told you those cookies aren't…! Whoa!" Several monsters charge for Dipper and he runs trying to find an advantage. An alley was the worse place to get boxed in for a fight.
Bill holds his hands out wide as Deer Beard charges. "Hugs." He said hugging Deer Beard.
Deer Beard briefly looks confused but smiles before hugging Bill back.
"There's the wand! I can totally grab it!" Tad said as he reaches for Bill's cane.
Toffee pulls Tad back, "Patience."
"Awww…" Tad said.
Dipper yells as he kicks Big Chicken. A large egg falls out of the monster and lands in his hands. He throws the egg at Buff Frog's face. Dipper cheers but is knocked over into Three-eyed Potato Baby. Dipper stands up and steps on Three-eyed Potato Baby's foot and knocks him away, then uppercuts Big Chicken. A two-headed monster approaches Dipper from behind, Dipper does a jumping split kick to its two heads.
"Bill! Forget that stupid fortune! Help me!" Dipper yelled.
Bill hugs another monster, "Don't fight. Then they'll stop fighting you. Trust the cookie!"
Dipper shouts as he is suddenly scooped up and tossed into a nearby dumpster.
Tad's goons surround Bill. "You guys really need some hugs," he said.
"It's actually working! Mmmm...!" Tad said not believing it. He couldn't believe his nephew could be so naïve.
"Love is always the answer," Bill said hugging a two-headed monster.
Suddenly losing his patience Tad shoves his way past the monsters aiming for Bill's cane.
"Out of my way! Mine! Mine! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Tad yelled. He goes to grab the cane…
Bill smiles. "Okay I think I've beaten this dead horse long enough." He admitted, holding the cane out of his uncle's reach.
"Wait what?" Dipper said as he pokes his head out of the dumpster.
"Wait what?" Tad echoes.
"Do I look stupid to you?" Bill asked. "Of course I know those dumb cookies aren't fortunes."
"But…you…you said." Tad was confused.
"Oh I was just messing around cause this idiot thought he could pull one over on me." Bill said with a laugh as he pointed at Dipper.
"The dumpster suddenly flies into Tad and the two-headed monster. Dipper has used a levitation spell to send it slamming into them. Knocking them across the alley way. "You Jerk!" he told Bill as he's getting out of the smelly thing.
"Serves you right. Thinking you could out due the king." Bill teased.
"You know what this means, don't you?" Dipper said.
"Of, course." Bill said with an evil chuckle. "Love is never the answer," Bill said in a serious tone with a stern face.
Dipper leans against the wall as Bill delivers the final blow with a wave of his cane.
"Mega Mushroom Destruction Blast!" Bill yelled shooting the monsters.
A large mushroom cloud appears covering all the monsters. When the mushroom cloud fades, the monsters lie on the ground covered in mushrooms.
Tad groans and opens a portal forcing the monsters through, "Welcome to my life," he said to Toffee.
Dipper walks over to Bill as they disappear.
"So what did we learn?" Bill asked Dipper.
"Never mess with the king." Dipper answered.
Just then the door beside them opens, which just so happens to be the back door to the Chinese restaurant. The waiter from yesterday walks out and recognizes them.
"Oh! Did you want some more stale cookies?" She asked.
"Who could say no to that?" Bill said taking the box of cookies.
"Seriously?" Dipper asked.
"They may not be real fortunes, but they're still real cookies," Bill said giving Dipper a cookie.
Dipper sighed but breaks open the cookie and eats it, handing off the fortune to Bill.
"A great evil has been unleashed," Bill reads.
"Ooooohhh…Hahaha!" Bill and Dipper said laughing at the fortune.
"What a joke." Bill cackled as they made their leave.
Neither one of them noticing just how accurate that cookie would be.
-To Be Continued