Cloud's Pain

He walked away swiftly; trying to make his feet carry him away as quickly and quietly as possible. With Barrett's words still ringing fresh in his mind, he tried to control emotions that he held on to fiercely. His finger nails biting into the palm of his hands as he tried to get a grip of the rushing tidal wave within. His mako blue eyes surrendered to the onslaught of emotions. Tears ran down his face in rivulets, which he roughly wiped away with the back of his arm. "Shit…" he said with a choked breath.

As he reached his room his hand clumsily grasped for the door handle as he hurriedly tried to gain entrance. He silently closed it behind himself and stood against the door, his hand on the handle; ready to deny anyone admittance.

He waited a moment to see if anyone had followed, if anyone had heard. 'So much for working locks.' He thought as he jiggled the door handle. He released a held breath and made his way to the center of his bedroom where temporary comfort was stationed. He threw himself against the unused bed; the bed creaking in protest.

He flung an arm across his face, trying to block out reality. Barret's words had resonated true, but they had agitated a wound that never actually healed, and as far as he was concerned, never truly will. He thought back to what had been said;

'…you need to let go.'

'…she's gone.'

'…she'd want you to be happy.'

"Do you blame yourself for what happened?" He repeated that part aloud. His face cringed at all the 'what ifs' plaguing his mind. What if he had gotten there sooner? What if he was stronger? What if, what if. He's had time to think about all the possibilities, all the actions that could've been taken.

'What if she had never met me, would she still be alive today?' As quickly as that thought filtered through, he brushed it away as it crept by, because whether it fate or his stolen past, they would've somehow met one another, and to think of living life without having known her, makes his chest tighten and his throat clench.

A single tear runs down his cheek, tickling the inside of his ear. It is the only warning before more came rushing forth. He snatches a pillow from his side, smothering his face against its softness. He screams his anguish. Growling and hiccupping into the tear soaked pillow. Knowing it's only muffling and not silencing his cries; he tries unsuccessfully to compose his emotions.

But try as he might. When should've, would've, could've came into play, it made it harder to contain any of his emotions. He relived any happy moment he had with her. Their walks and conversations; however one-sided it was, her smile and laughter. It all led to that final moment and it was like losing her all over again. Every sight, sound, smell was clear, it was as if he traveled back in time; reliving that moment in replay. The sight of Sephiroth's six foot blade ripping through her chest, the sound of flesh being sliced, the smell of fresh blood as it pelted the ground.

He roughly snatched the saturated pillow from his face and threw it against the wall. His body shook as a leaf in a rainstorm and his bloodshot eyes where wide in terror. He released shallow, shaky breaths, hiccupping every now and then as he tried to control his breathing. He quickly wiped any remnant tears from his face. He punched his clenched fists against the mattress as tears kept a steady flow.

"Damn it!" He said through gritted teeth. He shut his eyes and let himself cry; not trying to hide his pain any longer.

During his entire emotional outpouring he never heard the squeak of the door open or the muted footsteps on the carpeted floor as they made their way to his person. It wasn't until he felt a hand brush his knee, that he knew he wasn't alone.

He whipped his body forward, sitting up, startling the person standing before him.

"Cloud?"