Roman Torchwick was not particularly thrilled with the way things were going out on the deck. After doing a few shots with Kali in the kitchen, the two of them had retreated back upstairs to get changed into their swimsuits. While the process of changing together was fun and took longer than it should have given all of the groping and kissing involved, the pair's arrival down on the deck had greeted Roman with a whole host of unpleasantries.
Ghira was over by the grill, working on laying out hot dogs and hamburgers over the surface of the implement. The faunus was in a simple bathing suit of dark blue with yellow stripes running along the thighs, and he looked every bit a grown man. Ghira's chest was covered in thick, coarse hair, though it did nothing to hide his bulging muscles and overall impressive frame. He was clearly the most muscular and imposing man out on the deck, though Sage honestly wasn't far behind.
The other male from Team BASS was sitting within the jacuzzi with a pair of trunks on that matched his dark green hair. Though he didn't have nearly as much chest hair as his team leader, what he did have instead was a whole array of black tattoos across his dark flesh. The intricate, clock-like tattoo around his neck was only the beginning. Down along the sides of his torso were detailed, winding, asymmetrical patterns that seemed to have some sort of specific meanings. His left nipple was inked over, suggesting an impressive pain tolerance and commitment to the artwork.
By comparison, both of them made Roman look like a mere boy who had wandered into a crowd of adults.
Though he did have a little muscle, Roman's arms were wiry and lacked any sort of tone or definition. His pecs were completely flat, his skin was pale and made him look as though he was a total shut-in, and his neck was long and thin enough to seem awkward on him. There was absolutely no competing with Team BASS in terms of attractiveness… and that fact was only reinforced in his mind as Kali immediately made a beeline to the jacuzzi to sit in the water with Sage and Cerise.
Roman wasn't sure who the girl had borrowed a bathing suit from, but it didn't quite fit the barmaid's frame. Cerise's chest was barely contained, and the outlines of her nipples were clearly visible through the plain white fabric of the bikini top. The sight was enough to make Roman's breath catch in his chest, and he immediately began to think about the night they had spent together. He wanted her again, regardless of how he felt about Kali… and that sudden, unbidden thought along with his physical insecurity was more than enough to push him instantly into a bad mood. Even so, Roman made a valiant effort to hold it in as he took a deep breath.
After all, the last thing he wanted was another embarrassing blow-up like the one he'd had with Qrow over a year-old dick pic.
"So," Roman began, a bit more bite in his tone than he'd intended, "guess it's party time. Everything good out here?"
"Don't sound so excited," Taiyang teased. He was leaned up against one of the wooden railings next to Bartholomew, and both of them were wearing simple bathing suits similar to Sage's. If nothing else, at least one of the two had a less impressive build than Roman. "Not sure where Wil and Qrow are, but we need them to really get things started."
"Want me to go find 'em?" Roman offered, hoping that someone on the deck would give him an excuse to leave and cool down.
"Stay," Summer insisted from her spot next to Tai, where she was awkwardly holding a glass of wine and examining the liquid. "I'm sure they'll show up soon."
Taiyang turned his head to look at Roman and narrowed his eyes ever so slightly.
"…actually… can you help me with something inside real quick? There's a sound system hooked up out here, but none of us could find the remote in Willow's absence. Come sweep the house with me?"
"Sure," Roman agreed, letting out a tense sigh and flipping his fringe to try to look annoyed with the suggestion despite the fact that it gave him the out he so desperately wanted. "Guess it's up to me to save the day, again."
"Then we're definitely screwed," Kali joked as she put an arm around Cerise's shoulders. "Hurry back, handsome."
Roman rolled his eyes and walked back through the sliding glass door with Taiyang at his back.
"It's probably in the basement," Taiyang said as he closed the door behind himself.
"…what?" Roman asked, shooting his friend a quizzical look. "Why the fuck would the remote to the outdoor sound system be in the basement?"
"…because no one's been here and used it since last summer," Taiyang tried as he nodded toward the steps and headed for them. "We already checked the kitchen and living room, and it's not there. C'mon."
An alarm went off in Roman's head that something very unpleasant was about to happen, but he followed along all the same. The pair descended in silence, and Taiyang pulled the cord hanging from the light at the bottom of the stairs before pushing the basement door open and gesturing for Roman to head inside. He did so, only for Taiyang to walk in afterward, close the door behind them, and turn on the main light to the cavernous cellar.
"…and because no one in the house or out on the deck will be able to hear us down here. What's going on? You've got that look on your face."
"What look on my face?" Roman asked as he turned on Taiyang with a scowl. "I should've known you were being an a-"
"The look you give before you stomp off to go and do something you end up regretting later," Taiyang interrupted. "And now, being alone with you, I can feel what you're feeling. What's going on, Roman? You and Kali are finally a couple, we've got some time to ourselves to relax before everything gets a lot more complicated, food's coming, the alcohol's free… what's on your mind, man? I care about you. Everyone here does. I know things haven't been the best lately, but right now, we should be able to at least breathe. You look like you're about to explode."
"Yeah, I care about you guys, too," Roman said, at least feeling some comfort in knowing that it was true. All the same, he turned away from Taiyang and began to walk the perimeter of the room, focusing intently on the shelves and plastic bins neatly organized on metal racks. "Is the remote actually down here?"
"It might be, but this isn't about the remote right now, and you know that," Taiyang asserted. "Don't play stupid."
"Maybe I don't want to talk," Roman spat. "Ever think of that? Or are you so deep into your role as group therapist because of your Semblance that you don't give a shit?"
Taiyang sighed and pulled a bin toward himself before lifting the lid to peer inside.
"If you don't want to talk, then we can just look in silence and then head back to the deck. I'm just throwing you a lifeline so you don't lash out upstairs. We've had enough drama on this vacation in just a few days, and we've worked together long enough for me to know the warning signs that you're about to lose it. And before you say it- I'm not perfect, either. Don't think of it as a personal attack. Just a check-in offer."
Roman shoved the bin he was inspecting back up against the wall with more force than necessary and leaned forward, putting his forehead against the cool steel of the wire rack. With a growl, he pulled back and turned to face Taiyang in the dim basement light.
"…what if the reality is that I'm just a complete fucking asshole, Tai? What if I'm just… there's something wrong with me? Like I'm… not meant for all this hunter shit, I don't belong here, and I'm just destined to be some constantly angry, bitter, unsatisfied little pissant that never gets anywhere that matters in life? What if I'm just fucked?"
Taiyang froze for a moment and then turned around to find Roman standing with balled fists, looking furious. The two just stared at each other for a moment as Taiyang met his friend's anger with total bewilderment.
"…Roman, what are you talking about?"
"I… am not a good person," Roman said plainly, his heart hammering in his chest. "I'm just constantly filled with thoughts that… no decent guy would think like I do. You're right. Kali and I just got together, but I can't stop staring at Cerise's tits. I keep wondering if I made a mistake getting with Kal and having something more meaningful than risky sex with this random bar whore I met on a fluke out here in Vacuo, just because I want to nail that bitch again. It's like I got what I wanted, so I want something else instead like a spoiled kid, and I can't make myself stop. Why can't I keep my eyes off her? Why can't I just be happy with what I have? I don't want to feel like that, but I can't control it!"
"Roman, that's…" Taiyang tried, already feeling incredibly uncomfortable. "I-I mean, Raven and I are official, and we've started… doing some basic sexual things, but it's not like I… don't look at Cerise, too. She's, you know… really, really attractive. Having thoughts about her isn't… that doesn't make you a bad guy. Acting on those thoughts would, but…"
"It's not like that's the only thing I think about," Roman continued. "I don't even want to go back upstairs. I don't want to see Ghira and Sage and… even you, and Qrow if he gets there, you guys just look so… I look like a total pussy by comparison. And I know you all worked for it, and I could've done the same, but that doesn't make me feel any less… jealous. And yeah, I know I've already got Kal, and I don't need to impress anyone, and she's not gonna just up and fuck around because she's not like that! I just… I don't know why I care! I don't know why it matters! But it does! I hate feeling weak!"
"None of us think you're weak," Taiyang tried. "Think back, Roman. Have any of us made fun of how you look? That's not what we're about."
"But it's what I'm about," Roman whined as he shook his head. "You don't get it. I don't even get it. I'm just never really happy, nothing's ever enough… I feel like I can't appreciate anything good because I know it's all just temporary and it's gonna get ripped away in the shittiest way possible. It's like I don't believe it's even real. It'd be easier to sabotage myself and just have nothing than deal with the inevitable disappointment of losing things. It's… I think a lot of it's because of my dad."
Taiyang looked about ready to throw up from the storm of emotions that Roman was feeling. At first, he had just been confused, but the more his friend spoke, the more he was beginning to understand. It all made sense in a way he desperately wished it didn't… and Taiyang had absolutely no idea what to do to help.
"Do you… always feel that way?" Taiyang asked softly. "Like whatever's good is a lie? Or like it can't be for you, and that when you luck into something, it was a mistake?"
"…pretty much, yeah," Roman replied as he turned back around and grabbed another bin. "I think something's wrong with me. Mentally. Do you think it's possible to just be shit on for so long by someone that you just give up? I know I've got good things now, but it's like that doesn't change anything at all about how I feel. I thought I'd be happier given the situation I'm in. Instead, I just feel paranoid and I hate myself."
"I think that's a possibility, yeah," Taiyang agreed as he approached Roman from behind. "And I think we should seriously look into getting you some therapy when we get back to Beacon."
"Therapy," Roman echoed, practically spitting the word. "The ultimate admission of being weak. I'm not fucking crazy, I'm just…"
"Going to therapy doesn't make you weak, and it doesn't mean you're crazy," Taiyang protested. "But doing nothing to try to change your situation when you're this unhappy does. It's clear that you want things to change. You probably feel like you've already tried everything, and any offer of help would get yanked away when you really need it too, don't you?"
"I guess," Roman said, sounding defeated as he shoved another bin back onto the rack. "I don't know. I don't know what to do. I just know that this isn't right, and all of you deserve better than this. There should be a better version of me that's teamed up with all of you, and I'm sorry that this bullshit is what you're all stuck with instead. I know that I cause a lot of problems, and I know a lot of the shit I start is immature, stupid, and a waste of everyone's time. I'm tired of it too, but I can't change the way I think. I feel like my head is fucking broken."
"…hey," Taiyang called as he gripped Roman's shoulder. "Just… forget the remote. Turn around, and trust me."
Roman turned, ready to be annoyed by whatever was about to happen. He was not, however, ready for Taiyang to wrap him in a tight hug. Without any idea what to do, Roman just remained incredibly still as he was squeezed, unable to really believe what was happening.
"We've got you, alright?" Taiyang reassured. "No matter how annoying you think you are, and can be sometimes… you're still part of the group. Don't give me this 'I shouldn't be a hunter' shit. You've had our backs and stood up for us a lot, Roman. Maybe your head is broken. Maybe you need professional help. Maybe you're just overthinking things and letting the heat and stress get to you. I don't know… but we're going to find out, alright? Together."
Slowly, and for reasons he didn't quite understand, Roman returned the hug, barely touching Taiyang as he did so.
"…fuck it. I guess it can't make things any worse…"
Author's Note:
Will Roman actually make an effort at self-improvement and confronting his baggage? It's a mystery to everyone.
-RD