and the Chamber of Secrets

Based on the video series by Lelington

Ripped from the book by JK Rowling

Ripped by Alex Seemann

Chapter One

[Title Redacted]

Not for the first time, an argument had broken out over breakfast at number four, Privet Drive. Mr. Vernon Dursley had been woken in the early hours of the morning by a loud, hooting noise from Dudley's spare room.

"Third time this week!" he roared across the table. "If we can't control that owl, it'll have to go!"

"Do I look stupid?" Vernon suddenly snarled, a bit of fried egg dangling from his bushy mustache. Given the special event for which he was preparing for that evening, it was important that he look presentable.

When his wife, Petunia timidly pointed out the egg in his mustache. He exchanged dark looks with her. He was a vainglorious man, and he never once liked having his many flaws pointed out. He prided himself on being the best.

Suddenly, A long, loud belch erupted from the Dudley. "I want more bacon."

"There's more in the frying pan, sweetums," said Petunia, turning misty eyes on her massive son. "We must build you up while we've got the chance… I don't like the sound of that school food…"

"Nonsense, Petunia, I never went hungry when I was at Smeltings," said Vernon heartily. "Dudley gets enough, don't you, son?"

Dudley, who was so large his bottom drooped over either side of the kitchen chair, grinned.

Unfortunately, Dudley was so large that he gasped and fell off his chair with a crash that shook the whole kitchen; Mrs. Dursley gave a small scream and clapped her hands to her mouth; Mr. Dursley jumped to his feet, veins throbbing in his temples, trying to heave Dudley to his feet. Vernon sat back down, breathing like a winded rhinoceros.

The Dursleys were what wizards called Muggles (not a drop of magical blood in their veins), as far as they were concerned. Vernon had even padlocked the owl, Hedwig, inside her cage, to stop her from contacting the Wizarding World.

Vernon was large and neckless, with an enormous black mustache; Petunia was horse-faced and bony; Dudley was blond, pink, and porky.

At that moment, Vernon cleared his throat importantly and said, "Now, as we all know, today is a very important day. This could well be the day I make the biggest deal of my career," said Vernon.

Of course, Vernon was talking about the stupid dinner party. He'd been talking of nothing else for two weeks. Some rich builder and his wife were coming to dinner and Vernon was hoping to get a huge order from him (Vernon's company made drills).

"I think we should run through the schedule one more time," said Vernon. "We should all be in position at eight o'clock. Petunia, you will be —?"

"In the lounge," said Petunia promptly, "waiting to welcome them graciously to our home."

"Good, good. And Dudley?"

"I'll be waiting to open the door." Dudley put on a foul, simpering smile. "May I take your coats, Mr. and Mrs. Mason?"

"They'll love him!" cried Petunia rapturously.

"Excellent, Dudley," said Vernon. "I will lead them into the lounge, introduce you, Petunia, and pour them drinks. At eight-fifteen —"

"I'll announce dinner," said Petunia.

"And, Dudley, you'll say —"

"May I take you through to the dining room, Mrs. Mason?" said Dudley, offering his fat arm to an invisible woman.

"My perfect little gentleman!" sniffed Petunia.

"Precisely. Now, we should aim to get in a few good compliments at dinner. Petunia, any ideas?"

"Vernon tells me you're a wonderful golfer, Mr. Mason… Do tell me where you bought your dress, Mrs. Mason…"

"Perfect… Dudley?"

"How about —'We had to write an essay about our hero at school, Mr. Mason, and I wrote about you.'"

This was too much for both Petunia. Petunia burst into tears and hugged her son.

"When dinner's over, you take Mrs. Mason back to the lounge for coffee, Petunia, and I'll bring the subject around to drills. With any luck, I'll have the deal signed and sealed before the news at ten. We'll be shopping for a vacation home in Majorca this time tomorrow. Right — I'm off into town to pick up the dinner jackets for Dudley and me."

It was a brilliant, sunny day. The hedge stood perfectly groomed in the Dursley's lawn, as normal as a suburban hedge should be — except the hedge was staring. Two enormous green eyes had appeared among the leaves.

A jeering voice floated across the lawn.

"I know what day it is," sang Dudley, waddling toward.

The huge eyes blinked and vanished. Dudley hitched up his trousers, which were slipping down his fat bottom. Dudley stumbled backward at once, a look of panic on his fat face.

"MUUUUUUM!" howled Dudley, tripping over his feet as he dashed back toward the house. "MUUUUM!"

Unfortunatley, Petunia did not believe Dudley about the sight of the eyes in hedge, believing it to be a product of his overactive imagination. However, she was able to calm Dudley down with the promise of ice cream. While Dudley lolled around watching the neighborhood and eating his ice cream, The sun blazed overhead.

"Get in here! And walk on the newspaper!"

The shade of the gleaming kitchen provided refuge on a hot late-summer evening. On top of the fridge stood tonight's pudding: a huge mound of whipped cream and sugared violets. A loin of roast pork was sizzling in the oven. Petunia was already wearing a salmon-pink cocktail dress, Vernon and Dudley were dressed in bow ties and dinner jackets. The door bell rang.

Inside Dudley's spare bedroom, there was someone sitting on the bed.