Ch 140: Survival of the Geeks
I'm finally back with the next chapter. First chapter of 2024! This one is a parody of "Survival of the idiots". Hope you enjoy it.
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It is a very hot summer day in Royal Woods. At the Loud residence, Lincoln and Clyde are in the living room, bored and sweating so badly as they try to cool off. They use fans, air conditioners, but nothing is working for them.
Lincoln: Man, it must be the hottest day of the year. It's so hot that my lemonade is steaming.
Clyde: It's so hot that my shoes melted. [points to his melted shoes]
Lincoln: I can't take this. There's gotta be a way to beat this heat!
Clyde: Maybe Lisa's got something in her bunker we can use to cool off.
Lincoln: Oh yeah. She's been in her bunker a lot lately. Let's go see what she's up to.
The two boys go outside to Lisa's bunker only to see that it has been drastically modified compared to how it was originally like. Now there's also an elevator installed.
Clyde: Was that elevator there before?
Lincoln: I don't think so.
They then see a pre-recording of Lisa stuffing herself with snacks.
Clyde: Look, she's on the eating channel.
Lisa: [On the pre-recording tape. Lisa is eating ice cream. She also looks a bit hairy.] Greetings! [eats more ice cream] If you all are watching this, that means I'm asleep for the winter. I'm doing an experiment to see if a human could hibernate like an animal. ["HIBERNATION" appears on the bottom of the screen. Lisa eats more ice cream.] I've spliced my own DNA with a bear's DNA. Now during hibernation, animals don't like to be woken up. So, do not disturb! [sternly] That means you, Lincoln. I repeat, do not go down to my new extended bunker.
The pre-recording video ends.
Lincoln: Well, you heard her, Clyde. She said not to go in. Let's am-scray.
Clyde: [gets curious] Extended bunker? I might be cool down there.
Lincoln: [gets curious as well] There could be better air conditioning. And Lisa had tons of ice cream. [Lincoln and Clyde smile as they get the same thought] It wouldn't hurt to check.
Clyde: You read my mind.
Lincoln: But we won't be down there for too long.
They both enter the elevator and go down. Once they get down, the elevator opens up and they are both surprised by what they see. There's actually a giant winter wonderland, complete with real snow and authentic cold winds.
Lincoln and Clyde: Wow!
Clyde: It's a vast, swirling wonderland of sparkling white pleasure. Let it fill your senses with cascading, fluffy pillows of excitement and comfort as you've never felt before.
Lincoln: [teary-eyed] Wow, Clyde, that was beautiful.
Clyde: What, I was just reading this candy bar wrapper, see? [Lincoln frowns and Clyde throws the wrapper away]
The two cheer and then bury themselves in snow. They pop back up with noses made of snow.
Lincoln: Now this is what I call cooling off.
Clyde: I'll say.
Then, they hear a weird sound.
Clyde: Lincoln, did you hear that?
Lincoln: [notices a cave] I think it came from that cave.
Clyde: That is one tired cave.
Lincoln: Let's check it out. [cut to inside of the cave where Lincoln and Clyde come in. They both gasp] Look what's in Lisa's bed! [they walk over to the bed, where the young genius is asleep in hibernation form, looking like a fat bear]
Clyde: Oh no. Do you think this bear ate Lisa while she was hibernating?
Lincoln: I think this thing is Lisa…
Clyde: Hibernation must mean the opposite of beauty sleep.
Lincoln: She got a bear's DNA, remember?
Lisa: [snoring, talking in sleep] I've had enough of your nefarious schemes, White Haired Al. I'm gonna get you and your partner, Mangor, or my name isn't Super… Scientist... [snores]
Lincoln: [giggles] She must be dreaming about mad scientist rivals. [the two giggle] Look out, Lisa, I'm White Haired Al.
Lisa: I'm gonna defeat you and send you to jail at taxpayers' expense.
Lincoln: Ooooh, we've got your patents! You better fly faster, Lisa!
Clyde: Yeah, we're getting away! Faster! [Lisa moves her arms and legs]
Lincoln: Hurry, we're escaping in our rocket ship!
Clyde: Faster! Faster! [the two giggle]
Lisa: I'll get you two. You're nothing but pure evil! Just like Monday mornings... [snores off to sleep, the two giggle again]
Lincoln: Come on, Clyde. We shouldn't disturb her anymore.
Clyde: That's not disturbing, this is disturbing. [Clyde turns around, lifting up his shirt to show a scar on his back. Lincoln is shocked.]
Lincoln: When did you get that?
Clyde: I got it from that water slide incident earlier at my house.
Lincoln: Ha! That is kinda disturbing! I guess you could say you've been scarred for life.
The two laugh out loud. Cut to Lisa, her eye shoots open. A giant shadow looms over the boys. Clyde stops laughing while Lincoln continues to laugh.
Clyde: Uh, Lincoln?
Lincoln: [stops laughing] Huh?
The big furry five year old is really mad now, she's steaming and roaring. She apparently has the aggression of a bear now. Lincoln and Clyde run, but Lisa has them both by their pants and gives them an extreme wedgie. They run in mid-air anyway.
Clyde: Faster, Lincoln! She's gaining on us!
Lincoln: [Crying from the pain of the wedgie.] Lisa! No! Stop!
Lisa: I warned ya, White Haired Al, now, you've just crossed the border into Painsville.
Lincoln: Lisa, it's us, your brother, Lincoln and my friend Clyde!
Clyde: Please, Lisa, these are new undies!
Lisa: Gonna destroy you and turn you into my own experi… ments... [she falls asleep and drops the two. They inch away and see Lisa fall back into her bed]
Clyde: Fun's over.
Lincoln: Whew, we sure don't want to wake her up again. Too bad we don't have any earplugs to put on her.
Clyde: Yeah, but I've got fuzzy dice. [he takes a pair of fuzzy dice out of his pocket.] Maybe these will work.
Lincoln: All right, Clyde! These will work perfectly. [he takes them and crawls over to the bed. Lincoln stuffs each dice in each of Lisa's furry ears]
Lisa: I've got a laser beam and I know how to use it…mother? [snores]
Lincoln: Well, that oughta work.
Clyde: [loudly] Hey, Lisa, does it work? [Lincoln and Clyde look at each other and raise their eyebrows repeatedly and in symmetry]
Lincoln: Hey, Lisa, if you can't hear us, don't say anything!
Clyde: Hey, Lisa! Don't wake up! [the two giggle, Lincoln holds a megaphone up to Lisa's head and yells into it, but she's not deaf while sleeping]
Lincoln: See ya later, Super Scientist!
[laughs, the two freckled friends run down to the snowy plains and act like mad scientists] I'm gonna get ya!
Clyde: You'll never catch me! [he giggles and makes a snowball and throws it at Lincoln's face. They both laugh. Clyde starts to make another one, but he's hit by a giant mound of snow. Lincoln stands on a giant snow cannon, laughing] Hey, that's not fair!
Lincoln: That's one thing about villains. They DON'T play fair. [Another giant snowball is fired at Clyde]
Clyde: Good point.
Lincoln: [with mad scientist voice] Your time is up, Mangor.
Clyde: Wait, why do I have to be Mangor? I wanna be White Haired Al.
Lincoln: I should be White haired Al. I've got white hair. [he hits Clyde on the head by a giant "snow" shovel]
The bespectacled boy runs off and returns with a giant bat with a nail in it made of snow.
Clyde: I'd say I'm White Haired Al! [whacks Lincoln with it]
Lincoln: Ow! [whacks Clyde again] I'd say I'm White Haired Al! Ow!
Clyde: [whacks Lincoln] I'm White Haired Al. Ee!
Lincoln: [whacks Clyde] I'm White Haired Al! Ow!
Clyde: [whacks Lincoln] I'm White Haired Al. Ee!
Lincoln: [whacks Clyde] I'm White Haired Al! Oof!
Clyde: [whacks Lincoln] I'm White Haired Al. Ee!
Lincoln: [whacks Clyde] I'm White Haired Al! D'oh!
Inside the cave, Lisa blissfully sleeps until the repeated impacts cause the fuzzy dice to fall off.
Clyde: [whacks Lincoln] I'm White Haired Al. Ee!
Lincoln: [whacks Clyde] I'm White Haired Al! Ow!
Clyde: [whacks Lincoln] I'm White Haired Al. Ee!
Lincoln: [whacks Clyde] I'm White Haired Al! Ow! [Lisa's eyes snap open] [Cut back to outside]
Clyde: [whacks Lincoln] I'm White Haired Al. [The white haired boy sees something behind his friend and screams in terror] Screaming will get you nowh- [Lisa reaches out, grabs the top of Clyde's hair and rips a chunk of it off. The angry furry sister huffs and growls as she stands behind Clyde, towering over him with sharpened teeth bared in a snarl]
Lisa: [breathing heavily] Which one of you fools is the real White Haired Al?!
Clyde: Uh... I am? [bad idea, as Lisa promptly backhands him and sends him flying across the bunker]
Lincoln: Clyde! [Clyde slams against the wall hard enough to leave a dent and little drumsticks float around his head]
Clyde: Hot wings... [cut back to Lisa, who rounds on a cowering and terrified Lincoln]
Lisa: Okay, Mangor. Now you get yours!
Lincoln's pupils shrink in fear, he screams and jumps away to avoid it seconds before Lisa's fist obliterates where he was just sitting. Lisa throws her head back and bellows.
Lisa: Mangor! [The white haired boy whimpers and runs, The furry sister is close behind. Lincoln later doesn't seem to be going far because he's right behind Lisa on an exercise wheel. He slips and gets flung across the wheel. He flies off and slams into the picnic table, leaving a giant crater in its place. Lisa leans over the crater] Now you're gonna pay for those crimes, Mangor!
[Lincoln picks up a wood board]
Lincoln: Lisa, stand back. I'm warning ya! [Lisa roars right in Lincoln's face] Okay, I warned ya! [Lincoln throws the wooden board, Clyde pops up beside Lisa]
Clyde: Did you win? [he's hit by the board and rolls down the crater to Lincoln's feet] Hi, Lincoln. [Lisa growls before leaping into the crater. The two boys cling onto each other in fear for their lives as a huge shadow covers them before a cloud obscures them, presumably simulating a fight. Cut to the bunker at night where two gravestones are in front of Lisa's bunker: one for White Haired Al and one for Mangor. Clyde and Lincoln come up from under the snow in respective tombstone order] Okay, Lincoln, you can be White Haired Al. I just wanna be Clyde.
Lincoln: Let's get out of here before Lisa wakes up again!
The two run to the elevator, but it won't work due to the frozen temperature.
Lincoln: Oh no! The elevator's frozen!
Clyde: Look, there's an emergency exit over there! [points to door with "emergency exit" sign on it]
They head over and Lincoln tries to open it, but his hands slip off the wheel and accidentally hits Clyde in the face]
Clyde: Ouch! [covers his nose in pain]
Lincoln: Sorry, Clyde, but the door is slippery! It's frozen shut!
Clyde: Let me have a try. [he goes up to the door and spits on both hands, preparing to open the door] Open sesame! [nothing happens, Clyde shrugs] Well, I've done all I can do…
Lincoln: Then we're stuck in here... until the door thaws... in spring!
Clyde: Dang it!
Cut to much later, where Lincoln and Clyde are completely buried in the snow, shivering and blue]
Clyde: Is it spring yet?
Lincoln: Uhh, N-n-n-no. [Clyde and Lincoln's snow covering on their faces break off]
Clyde: I regret c-coming down here. Uhh, I'm so c-c-cold that I'm sh-shivering. [his hair is shown frozen, and a chunk of it cracks off, revealing his frozen brain.]
Lincoln: [shivers] I'm so cold... [Lincoln snaps off his two nose drippings from his nose and clicks them together] that I can use my nose drippings as a pair of chopsticks.
Clyde: I'm so c-cold... that... I'm shivering.
Lincoln: Maybe we should build a fire. [looks and sees a campfire with a plug] Oh look, how convenient.
They go over and Lincoln plugs up the fire contraption to a wall. The fire starts and the boys hope to get warm, but the batteries die promptly.
Clyde: Aw come on!
Lincoln: Well the fire's not gonna happen. I don't get it! How does Lisa survive this intense condition?
Clyde: Well she's sleeping in a cave.
Lincoln: Or maybe…
Clyde: Maybe…
Lincoln: Maybe it's her mutated fur! [cut to a shot of a real-life bear]
Lincoln and Clyde: Yeah!
Cut to inside the cave where the two boys marvel at Lisa's fur.
Lincoln: Look at all that warm, toasty fur.
Clyde: It's like a gold mine, but with fur.
Lincoln slowly prepares to pluck a hair off Lisa.
Lincoln: Carefully... carefully? [Clyde smacks him]
Clyde: Come on, do it! I'm freezing here!
Lincoln: All right, all right, hang on a second! [he plucks one hair off and Lisa jumps up from her sleep and roars ferociously. Then goes back to sleep] That should be enough, right? [Clyde takes the hair]
Clyde: Linc, I'm a big man.
Lincoln: Well, I guess I've lived a full life! [he plucks one more hair, causing the same reaction with Lisa]
Clyde: This is taking too long! I want the warm now! [he takes a piece of duct tape, places it on Lisa]
Lincoln: Clyde, no! [Clyde rips a patch of Lisa's fur off with the tape, leaving a patch of bare skin. Lisa roars and goes back to sleep, Lincoln sighs in relief] Clyde, are you crazy?! [we see that Clyde has placed the fur on his forehead]
Clyde: No, I'm warm.
Lincoln: Let me see that roll of tape.
As we pan out from the cave, we hear the tape ripping out Lisa's fur and her roaring. Cut to later, Clyde comes out of the cave with a strip of hair on his forehead and his pants full of fur. Lincoln comes out with big eyebrows and a goatee.
Clyde: Man, that fur really hits the spot! No more frozen armpits. [he lifts his arm up, revealing fur under it]
Lincoln: And this eyebrow-goatee-combo works like a charm. This is the best idea we've ever had.
Clyde: You said it!
Lincoln: I'm ready for the longest, coldest winter ever!
Lincoln and Clyde: Bring it on!
Just then, all the snow stops and melts. It's springtime, and flowers are blooming.
Lincoln: Spring?
Lisa: [off screen. yawns] Wow, spring already!
The two boys run frantically to the door, but the handle hasn't thawed yet.
Lincoln: Oh man! The lock is still frozen!
Lisa: [off-screen] I sure can't wait to go outside and warm my fur!
Lincoln and Clyde frantically blow on the door handle until it melts. Lisa looks out the cave.
Lisa: Oh, look, it's Lincoln and Clyde!
With that, the guys go crazy trying to open the door. Clyde screams. The young scientist walks over, completely hairless and in her usual tire.
Lisa: Hey, boys!
They climb off the door. She sees all the different fur assortments the two are wearing. She looks down at her hairless body, then notices her original hair is gone too, but actually doesn't freak out about it. She just looks surprised.
Lincoln: [worried] Lisa, w-we can explain!
Lisa: Thank you, guys.
Lincoln and Clyde: Huh?
Lisa: You shaved all my excess fur for me, saving me the trouble. Now I just have to make sure it doesn't grow back. [she takes out an antidote and drinks it] Ah, that should do the trick.
Lincoln: So you're not mad we took all your fur?
Lisa: Correct, elder brother. Besides, my original hair was just a wig. I can get another one.
Lincoln and Clyde sigh in relief.
Lisa: While I'm not happy that you two disobeyed my order, the hair removal was good so I'll let it slide. Plus, I was also bored with the summer heat.
Lincoln: And remember this, Lis. You shouldn't just shun your family in attempts to do things for science.
Lisa: Message received.
Clyde: After being stuck down here, I sure do miss the summer heat now.
Lincoln: Hey, what do ya say we get out of here and have some ice cream?
They all smiled at that. Cut to later when the kids are out of the bunker, sitting on the front porch eating ice cream.
Clyde: Mmm…so good.
Lincoln: Refreshing.
Lisa: Summer sure is lovely.