HARAMBE
Bakugo swung from vine to vine, scanning the ground below as he whipped through the tree-tops. The moment he spotted a squirrel, rummaging through the leaves for fallen nuts, Bakugo plunged like a falcon, slamming feet-first onto the squirrel's spine. Giving it a few whacks with a nearby rock for good measure, Bakugo grunted, slung the squirrel over his shoulder, and hurried off.
Near a massive waterfall, Bakugo sheltered in a cave. A hole blasted through the rock vented smoke from a fire merrily crackling in a ring of stones. Bakugo skinned the squirrel with a fleck of obsidian, jammed a stick through it, and set it roasting over the fire. While he waited, Bakugo collected rainwater from the massive leaves strung outside.
Once the smell of cooked meat reached his nostrils, Bakugo sauntered back into the cave. He tore into the squirrel with his teeth, spitting bones out as he sucked every morsel off of it. Once done, he set the remains on top of a pitfall trap, dug out by hand and covered with woven leaves.
As the sun fell, Bakugo blasted deeper and deeper into the cave. Veins of obsidian shattered before his Quirk, scattering sharpened flecks of stone. Bakugo took the best of them, thinned them out with precise strikes of a rock, and notched serrated edges into them with a carved antler tool. Some got strung onto the ends of spears, others slotted into ax handles or made into arrows fletched with vibrant feathers. Once the fire burned low and all traces of sunlight vanished, Bakugo padded onto a pile of furs and closed his eyes.
Outside of the simulated environment, a robot gave a lecture to the assembled audience. "This here, is a human, also known as a homo sapiens in their language. They called themselves wise twice because they ran out of adjectives. Given the species tendency to establish capitalist societies, fossil fuel industries, and McDonalds franchises, it's also something of a misnomer. Efforts to conserve their population have sadly met with minimal success."
A little robot child raised its hand. "Excuse me, sir, but is it possible for the human to break out of its enclosure?"
The tour guide chuckled. "Why, of course not! These enclosures are designed to perfectly simulate the human's natural habitat. They aren't even aware they are in a cage."
"Then why is it banging on the wall?"
The tour guide turned around just in time to see Bakugo swing an ax through the enclosure. Blasting the hole bigger, Bakugo stuck his head through, glared at the robots, and shrieked like a chimpanzee.
Robots ran in panic, and the tour guide shouted into his radio, "Take the shot! Take the shot!"
"I'm afraid I can't do that Dave."
"Why not?"
"The Harambe protocol specifically prohibits lethal action against any occupant of the menagerie within sight of a guest.
"I don't care, just-"
Pieces of the robot's head tinkled to the ground around its feet.
496
Just closed on a deal for a house yesterday! Thank goodness I never ate avocado toast. Smoked salmon on a bagel was obviously the superior financial decision. Now it's just the inspection, then the appraisal, closing the deal, moving all my stuff in, cleaning the house top to bottom, having the house-warming party, cleaning up after the party, meeting the neighbors, planting the garden, giving up after the garden dies, fixing whatever goes wrong, making mortgage payments, mowing the lawn, shoveling the snow… uh… why do I want a house again? Oh right, bigger kitchen go brr.