GRAPE

"Scalpel."

Momo parted her scrubs and pulled a tiny scalpel out of her cleavage. Peering through a massive lens contraption, Izuku made a minuscule incision in the grape on the miniature operating table, delicately parting the skin and exposing the fruity flesh underneath.

"Retractor."

Izuku used the implement to hold the grape's incision open. Beads of synthetic sweat formed on Izuku's brow. Tsuyu dabbed them off with her tongue and sanitized it in an alcohol bath.

"Suction."

A tiny plastic tube hissed as it lapped up the beads of moisture dotting the grape's flesh. Its skin turned faintly wrinkly as Izuku dried the incision.

"Forceps."

Izuku carefully prodded deeper into the open wound, nudging aside grape flesh until he found a gnarled, blackened lump near the grape's heart.

"Kocher clamp."

Izuku took the toothed clamp and pinched it over the tumor. The misshapen flesh throbbed. Not taking his eyes off it, Izuku held his hand out for another scalpel and parted the tiny cellulose strands holding it in place.

Everyone in the operating room held their breath as Izuku slowly, carefully lifted the pulsating tumor out of the grape. Momo held out a metal dish, and Izuku set the tumor inside. Mina flicked a drop of acid inside, and the tumor dissolved into a hissing black puddle.

"Nice!" Mina said. "We did surgery on a-"

The heart monitor next to the grape flatlined. Juice spurted towards the ceiling, and the grape's skin turned wrinkly and dark.

"Blood pressure at fifty over twenty, we're losing him!" Ochako shouted.

Izuku calmly went back to the operating table. "Forceps, stat."

Izuku squeezed the ruptured vessel shut. "One CC of grape juice and fifty micrograms of adrenaline, stat."

Momo attached the requested IV to the grape. As the fluids seeped inside, the grape's skin regained its smooth, lustrous appearance.

"Sutures."

Izuku tied off the torn vessel, then carefully removed the clamp. The grape twitched, but the suture held.

"Needle."

Izuku removed the retractor and knit the grape back together. With the surgery complete, Izuku gave the signal to cut the anesthetic.

Mineta snapped back awake with a gasp. "Where am I?"

"U.A.'s operating room," Izuku answered.

"Oh. I see. Why did I need an operation."

"I had determined that you either had a serious character flaw that caused you to be an entire fandom's punching bag, or a malignant tumor. Upon further biopsy, we determined it was a serious case of misogyny."

"I see. Thank you for removing it. I feel ambivalent and neutral about my new state of being. May I have a glass of water, saltine crackers, and a dictionary?"

As Mineta leafed through the dictionary and mechanically ate his crackers, Ochako asked, "Do you think we made a mistake?"

Momo stood resolute. "It's for the best."

"Yeah, I- wait, where's Mina?"

Mina poured the misogyny slop down Mineta's throat. Mineta smiled at her chest, then promptly turned into a puddle.

"Whoops," Mina said. "Forgot to turn my acid off."

500

Kinda sad that grapes get more affordable healthcare in my country than people do.