SEVENTEEN.

tw:gore, mentor/trainee abuse, ptsd, discussion of s*icidal thoughts

"The Great Ravine," said Filou, "is a massive hole that stretches really far between one side and the other. And it stretches all the way on either side, so it's impossible to walk around. If you want to get to the other side, the only way is to somehow cross it."

"What's on the other side?" asked Socks curiously. Filou clearly had not thought that far ahead, pausing to think for a moment.

"Uhhh…on the other side, there are a bunch of…rats. With no diseases. And they are free for you to catch any time you like."

"Oooh! Are there other cats there too?" chimed in Ferris.

"Sure! There are a bunch of friendly cats there…cats that will be your friend. You'll get to spend all day playing and eating rats…"

"Wait, we have to share? " said Rusty, sounding disgusted, "But why?"

"Well, there are a lot of rats over there, Rusty. Far too many for one cat to have themselves," said Filou gently, "Sharing a few with another cat or two won't change how many rats you get to catch."

"But if I'm crossing the ravine to get to this place and they didn't and were just… there , then shouldn't I get more rats?" said Rusty with a frown, "Because I did more work to get there so I should get more as a reward!"

" Alright, so it seems that we are getting a little off topic, " Filou said firmly, clearly irritated, "So let's just say these two cats need to get to the other side. Because on the other side is…I don't know, a lot of something you really like."

"Ooh! Violence!" squeaked Ferris, with Socks chiming in with an approving mewl. Poor Filou winced at that.

"Not exactly what I was thinking, but…to each your own. Anyways …two cats come up to the Great Ravine. It is far too wide to jump across and it's impossible to go around it. Now each of the two cats - I should add that they're not together. They come here at different times. - they each look around to try and find a way across. Something like a tree or a bridge…but after searching for a while, they look down into the ravine…and they see a bunch of different cats down there."

Rusty's eyes widened at the image. Cats living in a ravine? How absurd. How would they survive down there?

"Now since there's nowhere else to go, each of the two cats slowly begin to descend into the ravine." Filou used their tail to emphasize the movement down, their actions a large part of what made their stories so fun to listen to. "And when they do, they call out in greetings to the cats. Now the cats down there, they haven't seen a new cat come down in a long time. So they welcome each of the two cats in as newcomers."

"Are they nice?" asked Princess, who had quietly snuck in to listen to the story. Ferris and Socks obviously seemed annoyed that their sister was now listening to their story, but Rusty didn't mind.

"Oh, they're very nice," said Filou with a nod, "They show the new cats around, teach them their way of life, lets them greet the kits…now the two cats are charmed by this place. This group in the ravine, they've made quite a living for themselves and they've been very hospitable. But remember…the reason why they're here is not to come live in the ravine, but to get to the other side."

"But can't they just leave?" said Rusty, "If they're nice, then…won't they just let him pass through?"

And Filou grinned, eyes brightening with their excitement. "Now there, Rusty…there is where the real story begins."

In those moments, Firepaw thought back to when he and Ravenpaw had first met. How afraid and insecure the little black tom with green eyes looked and how uncomfortable he was trying to hold a conversation. Back then, the ginger tom could be convinced that he was afraid of him, the violence that he could inflict to him with his instability.

Well, here he was. The black-furred apprentice sat before him, calm and composed like the day that he had saved his life from the adder. Firepaw's brain hurt to think about how everything that he had done, every nervous look and shaky excuse revolving around trying to stay away from his abusive mentor may have been an act. Misdirection in favor of a much larger and dangerous plan.

That timid black kitten Firepaw first knew this apprentice to be now felt like a crude effigy. And he felt stupid for not noticing it sooner.

Ravenpaw took a breath. Then another. This was clearly something difficult to talk about - or perhaps he wanted Firepaw to think that way. At this point, the ginger tom didn't know what to believe if there were significantly more layers to the most isolated apprentice in ThunderClan than he had seen.

"When I was three or four moons old, my parents both died of greencough," said the black tom calmly, as if he were reciting a speech, "It was a horrible epidemic that took the lives of so many cats, including Graypaw's parents. I don't remember much from those days now besides Graypaw, Dustpaw and I getting milk from Willowpelt…but I do remember telling myself that I wanted to become a great warrior. The strongest warrior."

"Okay, we get it…" said Firepaw flatly, "That's so unique. Doesn't convince me that you're not a traitor, though-"

" Will you shut up? " hissed Graypaw with a rough whack to his shoulder. Firepaw remembered that his friend was still mad at him and gulped down a retort, letting the black apprentice continued.

"When I was approaching six moons, we were all talking about the different mentors that we wanted. A bunch of names were thrown around…but I knew exactly who I wanted. And I proclaimed to Graypaw and Sandpaw and everyone I talked about that I wanted Tigerclaw to be my mentor. Because he was strong, he had massive claws…and even though he could be mean sometimes, he was a hero. And Dustpaw and I got into fights because both of us really, really wanted him to be our mentor."

If Graypaw wasn't upset at him and standing right next to him, Firepaw would have rolled his eyes. It was almost too sad to be true, as if he were completely spinning a tale. Who would want Tigerclaw as their mentor?

"Well, when Bluestar picked me to get mentored by Tigerclaw, I was so happy…" said Ravenpaw with a chuckle, "I was…bragging about how I was going to be the best warrior and I believed it. Those first few days…well, he was just a critical and harsh as you know him to be, but I took it on the cheek. I thought that the criticism will just help me get better. It will push me farther…Sure, I was upset by what he said - Graypaw actually told me that he thought Tigerclaw was too mean, but I just shrugged and said if that was what it took for me to become as much of a hero as he was…then I would take it."

The tone had changed in Ravenpaw's voice. The calm was disturbed, rippling now with waves of deep-rooted resentment. Harder and harder it was for Firepaw to deny that he was telling the truth. There was a rawness to his words that made the black-furred apprentice's eyes sharpen and his jaw clench.

"Ravenpaw, you…you were so happy back then," said Graypaw quietly, sounding afraid of what was to come, "I was so impressed with how well you were taking him and then you just…shut down."

The black tom nodded. "Yeah…Yeah, I did."

There was a gentle pause. Ravenpaw's eyes grew cloudy, dampening ever so slightly. Could this possibly be the first time he was putting this to words? Well, with the difficulty he was having to keep his composure, Firepaw and Graypaw were certainly among a select few that were about to know. The ginger tom started to grow anxious, glancing quickly at Graypaw while the black tom drew in a deep breath.

"It was good until the third night out…because on that night… I saw something I wasn't supposed to see. "

i

It was very dark. Ravenpaw could sense something was near. He was in a clearing not too far away from ThunderClan camp, scanning the bushes diligently for the source of the delectable scent on his tongue. Tonight was his first night trying to hunt without Tigerclaw's assistance, and even though it was only his third night out of camp he was determined to not let him down again today.

Tigerclaw was certainly much more intense than Ravenpaw had expected him to be, with incredibly harsh criticisms of both his form and "basic knowledge" of things he had never heard about before. Some had been quick to call it excessive, mainly Graypaw, but Ravenpaw didn't really mind. After all, Tigerclaw was a hero. Everything about him just screamed "warrior." Ravenpaw wanted to be just like him one day…a strong warrior that no one in any of the other Clans would want to mess with.

And could he really be the best if he couldn't handle a few insults? In his mind, it didn't really matter as long as he got better.

The undergrowth rustled and Ravenpaw's eyes locked onto the leaves before him. He could scent a mouse nearby…or was it a vole? He couldn't remember, but it didn't matter since they were both prey that he could eat. Slowly, he began to inch himself into position…as he did, he could hear Tigerclaw's angry voice playing in his ear with every adjustment.

"Wrong!"

"Keep your belly low, foxbrain! You want the prey to scent you right away?"

"You're not a molly in Heat! Get your tail down!" Ravenpaw didn't know what that one meant, but at least it was something that stuck with him. He continued to make small, small adjustments as he waited. He wanted to make sure he was in the perfect position…

Then there was a louder rustle and a shrew darted out of the undergrowth, rushing away from Ravenpaw at full speed. The black tom leaped as far as he could but his claws came up well short, and even though he gave chase for a bit the prey had soon disappeared out of sight.

Ravenpaw sighed in disappointment. He probably wouldn't get a better opportunity than that one. Oh well, at least he had some time before Tigerclaw got back. He hoped he hadn't seen the missed catch - he was sure to hear about that once this session was over.

He heard rushing water. This was new to Ravenpaw; he'd never been to this part of the territory before. Putting the thought of catching prey aside, the black tom stepped gingerly through the bushes and saw a beautiful stream crashing before him. The water lapped gracefully over the rocks under his paws, carrying the current further and further down until it disappeared into the distance. Across the river, the apprentice picked up a vague scent of cat, though there was a twinge of something that smelled like prey that he couldn't identify.

Excitement pulsed in Ravenpaw's chest. This was likely the RiverClan border. Tigerclaw hadn't shown him this part of the territory before. Taken by the desire to explore a bit, Ravenpaw began to walk the shoreline and admire the way the moon gently reflected off the surface. The rocks beneath him felt like cold pellets amidst the wet sand until the surface he walked on was all flat rocks, giving his pads a pleasurably cool sensation.

This is such a beautiful place! thought Ravenpaw, Why hasn't Tigerclaw shown this to me before?

Suddenly, he heard voices. Remembering that he was supposed to be catching prey, he quickly dove back into the forest. He was intent on going back to hunting until he recognized the high-pitched voice of the ThunderClan deputy, Redtail. It probably wasn't his business to listen in on, but…ah, it wouldn't hurt. His curiosity got the best of him and the black tom slowly tiptoed through the grass to listen in.

"...you know that this conflict will be bad for both Clans, Oakheart . " Ravenpaw jolted - Redtail was speaking to the RiverClan deputy. "Don't you think that putting this to rest is the best course of action?"

"You think RiverClan will just give up Sunningrocks willingly?" retorted the deputy. Ravenpaw slowly peeked around the nearest tree trunk to see both deputies standing on their respective sides of the river. The reddish-brown tom looked aggravated and his tail was lashing, but despite the two Clans fighting only a few days ago there seemed to be no signs of imminent conflict. "You mock me, Redtail."

"Listen, I'm not proud that I'm out here trying to barter through this either," murmured the ThunderClan deputy, "And it's not that I disrespect RiverClan so much as to think you'll bend. But this is a special circumstance- "

"The special circumstance being that you're scared of ShadowClan. So you've confessed to me before," Oakheart said coldly, "And you are entitled to your opinion of Brokenstar and the legitimacy of his… threats. But I frankly find it sickening that you would come to me and try to make me willingly give up my territory just because you don't have any interest in endorsing a fight to take it back."

" You're not listening! " hissed Redtail, his voice unusually taut with urgency, "You know me, Oakheart. I am not questioning the legitimacy of your victory because I called the retreat. And you know that I would not call you out here if it were not for a much more serious matter."

The RiverClan cat scoffed. "Well, I suppose since I went to all the trouble to be here-"

" Please, Oakheart. You mustn't tell a soul. " Ravenpaw was starting to grow nervous now. There was a certain desperation in the deputy's voice that the black-furred tom had never heard him use before. Even Oakheart's body language was beginning to react in a manner that showed he was starting to grow uneasy.

Redtail took a breath. "It's Tigerclaw, Thistleclaw's apprentice. He has been…holding a vicious vendetta against RiverClan and after this battle, the things that he's discussed have been… far more disturbing than any plan I could approve."

Ravenpaw blinked. What is he talking about? He knew that RiverClan had been the ones to kill Tigerclaw's mentor but the apprentice had not heard of anything that would justify this reaction from his own deputy. Oakheart seemed to be right there with him, scoffing in disbelief. "You seriously come to me in the night, trying to squash our conflict because you're afraid of your own warrior's threats on behalf of RiverClan? Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound?"

" I would not come here if I didn't believe that he would act without permission, Oakheart. " hissed Redtail desperately. "He's spoken of attacking your camp…he's spoken about slaughtering your elders when they try to use Sunningrocks… the revenge he seeks is far greater than the death he's trying to avenge. "

Ravenpaw couldn't believe it. No, he didn't believe it. Tigerclaw may have had a thorny tongue and threatening disposition, but he was a hero. Bluestar even said herself that Tigerclaw was one of the great warriors of the forest, one of the final faces among them that would make Clans afraid to try and wage war against ThunderClan. There had to be some mistake…

Oakheart was silent for a moment before scoffing in disgust. "Do you think of me as a fool, Redtail? Do you think I'll be scared of the threats you make if you present them as fanatical fantasies of one of your most distasteful warriors? Frankly, you can make whatever threats to the lives of our cats as you please, but you of all cats in the forest should have the decency to call them your own-"

" They're not my own! " snapped Redtail irritably, "Do you not find this strange, Oakheart, that I come to you in the middle of the night and try to warn you about one of my own warriors? He's dangerous, more dangerous than Thistleclaw ever was. And I do not know how much longer he can be controlled before he turns to unsanctioned atrocities."

Oakheart rolled his eyes and began to stand. "You clearly have gotten bees in your brain, Redtail. I think we're finished here."

" No, Oakheart, " said a new voice from the forest behind where the two deputies stood, " I'm afraid we're not. " Ravenpaw tensed and took a step back as Tigerclaw emerged from the shadows, his figure nearly pitch black against the light of the moon. I really should get back to hunting, thought the apprentice. But the things that Redtail had spoken of about his mentor…surely it couldn't be true. He had to see for himself.

Oakheart noticeably tensed, but managed a look of courteous distaste as he sat back down. "Good evening, Tigerclaw."

" The displeasure is all mine, " snarled Tigerclaw. He sounded furious, angrier than Ravenpaw had heard him before. "Though I am flattered, honestly, that you did not take much enjoyment of hearing my name slandered in secret… by my own deputy. "

Redtail didn't look afraid. Well, he did , but there was something in the way that he stood to face the warrior. A look of bitter hatred and disgust that was so unbecoming of a deputy that it gave Ravenpaw shivers. " I warned you, Tigerclaw…even speaking of those dangerous ideas would lead to consequences. "

"Please, Redtail…" Tigerclaw's voice was smooth. Eerily composed despite his obvious ire. "I know you and I have not been particularly amicable since you became deputy, but I find it very disappointing that our relationship has come to this low point. Especially someone who is in debt to me for saving their life-"

" That was years ago, back before you became the tom that you are, " hissed Redtail. "I do not owe you anything. "

"Surely I am allowed to hold a vendetta against the Clan that killed my mentor in cold blood, am I not?" Tigerclaw snarled right at Oakheart before looking back at the ThunderClan deputy, "Or are you too much of a peace-loving coward to allow that, too?"

"You made threats against their elders, Tigerclaw. Against their kits ." Ravenpaw felt a jolt pass through him as the tortoiseshell tom snarled right into his face. "There is no level of anger that justifies putting defenseless cats of any Clan in danger."

"Enough of this bickering," snapped Oakheart irritably, "I did not come out here to play mediator to a personal conflict. Tigerclaw, if you have any threats to send RiverClan, say them to my face. "

" Oh, you want threats? "

This was a tone that Ravenpaw had never heard before, one that didn't sound like it should be capable of being said. A sound that came right from the dirtiest part of the soul, a primal growl brewed in a hatred so raw and uncontrolled that it belonged to some creature less evolved than the forest cats were. Ravenpaw had never felt scared of Tigerclaw before, but the way that both deputies of ThunderClan and RiverClan flinched as if they had just been slashed in the face with claws from words alone…well, the black tom was certainly afraid now.

" You can keep Sunningrocks, Oakheart…but I want you to bear in mind that for every cat that steps onto these rocks, no matter the age, I will personally make sure that they are slaughtered to the point where the only parts that you can take back to grieve for is an unrecognizable corpse. Every single warrior and apprentice that tries to walk this border I will rip open and let them bleed until these rocks I stand on are forever stained with their blood. I will not be satisfied until the river runs red with your blood…and you and all that I have not yet touched are afraid to step outside of your camp again. "

Too late did Oakheart realize that Redtail had not been bluffing. He didn't just look appalled. He looked genuinely afraid. There was something in Tigerclaw's eyes, something horrible that showed the red-brown tom that these threats were very, very real. That he would stop at nothing until his bloodlust was satisfied.

Ravenpaw was shaking. This couldn't be. This wasn't his hero…No hero would say something like that .

" This…is why, " snarled Redtail quietly. Even though anger dripped in his voice, his composure looked as fragile as a kit's. " This is why I came here tonight. This is why…Bluestar did not make you deputy. "

There was a tense silence. Tigerclaw stared down his own deputy, his amber eyes glinting in the dim light.

"You're right."

The tabby warrior sneered, as if he had just thought of a brilliant joke from long ago.

" It's time to fix that. "

And with a single swipe of his claws, Tigerclaw swung and slashed his claws right through Redtail's throat.

During his parents' sickness, Ravenpaw had seen from afar the final days where they had both accepted the fact that they were at the end of their lives. Greencough was a terrible sickness and left no relief, but the difference between those that were trying to fight it and those who knew they were going to die was the amount of misery they were going through. In the epidemic he saw as a kit, Ravenpaw had seen those that tried to fight off the sickness look as if they were spending every second fighting against a storming current, digging their claws into the ground until their legs gave out and they could not fight anymore. His parents had looked as restful as one could, letting the illness slowly bleed their life away as they held each other and hoped for a peaceful death. It was just a natural way of life, Spottedleaf had said. Everyone would get sick, and those that died from it would look the same as their method of fight. Either they looked peaceful in their frailty or like they had fought as hard as they could in an unwinnable battle.

Those were natural deaths. Getting murdered was as unnatural as a death could be.

At first, he gagged. The deputy had tried to scream, but he could make no sounds. His paw pressed up to the gashes, soaking his paws in blood as the rocks below him were painted a dastardly crimson. The light amber eyes of the tortoiseshell, the color of a tree coated in sunlight, were wide and of panic. A fear of death. A silent, unheard plea for help. Redtail stumbled back over the rocks, holding his throat, jaw open and tongue lolling out. He gagged again, blood splattering out of his mouth like bile over the rocks below.

The deputy was drowning without a drop of water above his paws. The way he stumbled back and forth, crumpling to the ground and trying to claw himself forward onto the rocks, reaching out to Tigerclaw as he gurgled and shivered. The tabby looked down at his Clanmate, silently relishing in a sickening satisfaction as the blood he shed spilled under his paws. Foreleg outstretched, mid-crawl towards his murderer did the last of Redtail's life spill out of him, and the tortoiseshell collapsed into his own blood, shivering and jolting as if his spirit was being ripped out of his body and trying to fight back.

And then he was still. His amber eyes bright with life just moments ago were just two empty husks. And those eyes stared into the trees. Right back at Ravenpaw, who had seen everything.

He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't move. A look of horror etched onto his face as he watched his mentor, his hero, the greatest warrior in the Clans smile down upon his work.

Oakheart did not look like a deputy now. He looked like a kit scared of a thunderstorm. He looked like a tom who suddenly, for the first time in his life, was afraid to die. Tigerclaw turned to look at the deputy and he scrambled backwards, shaking in terror. " You…you killed him…you're a…you're a monster… "

Tigerclaw snickered. Like this was all a joke. Like treason was a form of entertainment for him all along. "Please, Oakheart… let's save it for my leader ceremony. "

The brown tom tried to run. Tigerclaw leapt over the river in a move so graceful and composed that it looked nothing like something a murderer could do. Ravenpaw only needed to see a few strides before he turned away, closing his eyes and starting to sob in panic. The screams of pain from the RiverClan deputy rang out over the roaring river into the night, painting a vivid picture for the panicking apprentice as he slumped against the tree, gripping his chest, unable to move.

" NOOO! HEEEELP! HELP ME! PLEASE! PLEASE HELP ME! HELP- "

The cries went silent. Over the rippling current, Ravenpaw could hear the squelching noise of claws piercing flesh, ripping out life. Like a kit crudely stabbing their prey.

And then there was silence.

Ravenpaw's world had just been completely shattered. His chest heaved, everything in his body pulsed and buzzed with the prestissimo of his heartbeat. Tears of fear coated his muzzle. He was so close to screaming, wailing for help that he had to stuff his paw into his mouth. His fangs dug into the flesh, the salty and sickening taste of his own blood painting the roof of his mouth.

Redtail was dead. Oakheart was dead.

Tigerclaw had killed them both in cold blood.

His hero was a murderer.

The poor apprentice tried his best to be silent, almost gagging himself to silence the sobs that wracked his shaking body. He heard a splash, perhaps the sound of a body being dropped into the water to be swept away by the current. He heard more splashing, perhaps the sound of a murderer cleaning blood from their claws. Ravenpaw knew he had to run. He had to get back to ThunderClan, tell everyone that Tigerclaw was a murderer. That he had just killed their deputy. Because if Tigerclaw knew that he had seen, he was certainly going to end up just like them.

His legs were locked. He was panicking too much to move. The only thing Ravenpaw could do was slowly inch his head back around the tree, checking to see if what he had seen was real. The river was no longer clear and silky but a dark and ominous red that tainted the reflection of the moon. The tabby was looking over the corpse of his former deputy, making a wide berth around the pool of blood, trying to decide his next move…

And then he stopped. And he suddenly looked up right at Ravenpaw.

There was no use in running now, but the black tom ran anyway. He sprinted as fast as he could, scrambling and stumbling over his own paws. The scent of his own fear was all he could smell and the incoming pawsteps of Tigerclaw's pursuit was all he could hear. Ravenpaw was only a few strides in before a weight slammed into his side, sending him tumbling onto the ground.

Claws dug into him and he was pinned belly up by the chest. Ravenpaw looked up into the eyes of death himself, snarling with furious rage. He was dead. He was dead. He was surely dead. " I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! PLEASE! I DON'T WANNA DIE- " Ravenpaw begged for his life until Tigerclaw shoved his paw into his muzzle to silence him. As he thrashed and screamed as much as he could, he could feel one of those deadly claws that had stripped Redtail and Oakheart of their lives reach into the back of his mouth and almost down his throat. Anything as much as a swallow could sink the tip of the claw into the precious flesh.

Tigerclaw looked intent on killing him. There was no debate in his eyes. He was absolutely furious that he had been caught and he looked like killing his own apprentice to keep his secret safe was the obvious choice. The right choice. But in those menacing pupils something changed. Perhaps it was the tabby tom realizing that he could only stretch his story so far, that the death of both his apprentice and his rival was too risky.

Or perhaps he saw an opportunity in the cat he had pinned below him. A realization that he no longer had to be as tame as he liked. That if Ravenpaw was sworn to silence, then he could do whatever he deemed fit to make him not just a powerful warrior, but his warrior. He could beat him into shape, shatter his mind and rebuild it again in his image. This was why he wanted to have an apprentice and why Ravenpaw's desire to be his apprentice piqued his interest. Now a mistake could be retooled to be a chance to truly begin to work and make this timid black apprentice who he wanted him to be.

Slowly, the tabby leaned in and Ravenpaw squirmed, trying to get away. Any hopes and dreams of being a great warrior that the Clans feared wilted in the encroaching presence of death. He didn't want to die. That was all he wanted now. He would do anything to stay alive.

" Speak a word of tonight…to anyone…and I will make sure…there is no corpse that your Clanmates can find. " snarled Tigerclaw. His voice was quiet, but cut into his soul as deep as his claws could cut into flesh. " If anyone finds out…you and whoever knows…are dead. "

Ravenpaw nodded. He didn't care, he would do anything. Anything that Tigerclaw wanted if it meant staying alive. The tabby ripped his paw out of his apprentice's mouth to allow him to speak. "Say it. "

" I-I won't tell anyone…I p-promise…I w-won't, I swear to StarClan- "

" Do not swear to StarClan. Swear to me! "

" I SWEAR! " wailed Ravenpaw in a horrid panic, " PLEASE! I DON'T WANT TO DIE- " Tigerclaw's paw was back in his muzzle, silencing the black-furred tom again.

" You are going to return with me to Sunningrocks…and I will break the news. You will say absolutely nothing. "

Ravenpaw nodded and Tigerclaw released him again. The tabby took a step back but the apprentice could not stand. He was shaking, he felt like something inside of him was going to explode. He felt sick. So, so sick. He just wanted to lay here and never see anything or anyone ever again.

" Get up. "

Ravenpaw whimpered. He tried, reaching out his paw to stand, but he was shaking too much. He didn't know if he could ever stand again.

WHACK! Down came the tabby's claws as they suddenly raked along his neck and up across his muzzle. Ravenpaw yowled in pain, paws flying up to cover the scratch as he sobbed pathetically on the ground before his mentor. The pain was nothing compared to the panic, the fear of death.

" I won't tell you again. Get. Up. "

Slowly, still crying and feeling like he was going to pass out, Ravenpaw stood. And into the night he padded after Tigerclaw. Once his hero, now his worst nightmare.

Firepaw and Graypaw were horrified.

" Oh…StarClan… " breathed the latter, almost too quiet to hear. Firepaw couldn't even bring himself to speak. His eyes were wide and his jaw was open in shock.

He wanted to say he knew it, that he knew all along that Tigerclaw was capable of murder. Not even that, but murder of his own Clanmate sounded realistic to the fiery apprentice. But this? This was beyond anything he thought any cat was capable of. Redtail, someone the tabby tom had known his whole life, slaughtered in cold blood for the title of deputy. And Oakheart joining him in death so there would be no witnesses. So there could be a hero's story that could protect him.

Ravenpaw, looking down and away from his friends, looked almost unrecognizable. He seemed moons older, like the knowledge of what had happened all those moons ago had been eating him from the inside like a fungus. He had been so afraid, so paranoid because his life was always in danger. Tigerclaw taking control of his life, lashing out in training to assure his silence and monitoring everything he did - even watching him rest in his own nest - to chip away at his sense of privacy…

" I've wanted to tell you two for moons…I swear I did… " Ravenpaw didn't seem afraid now. Just remorseful. And so, so tired. " But he wouldn't have just killed me…he'd kill you both as well. "

Graypaw was shaking, slowly stepping forward and hugging his friend tightly. Ravenpaw didn't return it, but he leaned his head against his fur to show his gratitude. Firepaw felt guilt claw and rake at his belly, now more conscious than ever of all the suspicious feelings he had. All of these secrets he knew either were beyond even Bluestar's knowledge or things that protected the cats that held them. This was out of fear. And out of genuine care. And Firepaw had grouped Ravenpaw with the rest of them.

"I'm sorry, Ravenpaw…" the ginger tom whispered quietly, "I really am…I didn't-"

" It's fine, " said the black tom, his voice sounding drained, " You didn't know. And that's a good thing. "

Graypaw slowly stepped back, still incredibly upset. "Raven…why…why are you telling us now?"

Ravenpaw gave a small shrug. "You wanted the truth. You both deserve the truth. And even just the knowledge of…what happened that night doesn't explain why I helped Yellowfang escape, does it?"

"You don't have to tell us if you don't want to-" started Graypaw.

" I have to, " insisted the black-furred apprentice, "You're getting the truth. All of it." Besides him, Firepaw could sense a horribly dirty look from the gray tom like he had forced Ravenpaw to spill everything. And he couldn't even defend himself because he had. This was the information he nearly killed his own friend for.

Ravenpaw cleared his throat. "About a moon before you came, Firepaw, I was in the medicine den because of some…scar or injury I got during training. It's honestly quite foggy now, when he did what to me in the beginning. But anyways, Spottedleaf was there to take care of me…"

ii

" You're going too rough on him, Tigerclaw. I understand that you want to be strict but this is ridiculous! "

"Please. It's not that serious." Ravenpaw was curled up into a tight ball on the nest of the medicine den, trying to drown out the sound of his mentor arguing with Spottedleaf. This was not the first time he was in here because of a training "incident," nor would it be the last. And now the medicine cat was beginning to get suspicious.

" This is the sixth time he's been here since the full moon two weeks ago. Do you know how many times the other apprentices have come here with training injuries combined? One! " hissed the tortoiseshell.

"Yes, cause it's my fault that I got the clumsiest and stupidest apprentice on this side of the forest," spat Tigerclaw. Ravenpaw flinched, feeling the truth in those words like the claw marks he had left on his shoulder during that day's training session. "I don't know what you want from me, Spottedleaf. You have no business criticizing the way that I train my own apprentice, especially when you will never have to train a warrior yourself-"

" I have the right to criticize what I see, you idiot. And that, " she gestured to the apprentice with her tail, " is telling me that there's something else going on that you're not telling me. "

Tigerclaw growled. " Are you threatening me? "

"As a matter of fact, yes. I am threatening you," snapped Spottedleaf, "Because if this continues, then you'll have not only me to answer to, but Bluestar- "

" I'm fine! "

It was like instinct at this point to respond to any chance of someone else finding out what was happening at his training sessions to rub it off. Spottedleaf turned to the apprentice, who was trying to sit up and look natural. Like he wasn't fearing for his life with every second he was alive. "It was just…it was my fault. It's just a scratch. I'm fine."

Spottedleaf narrowed her eyes, but Tigerclaw seemed convinced enough. "Well, there you have it. From the klutz himself."

"Get out of my sight, you foxheart," growled the medicine cat. She was perhaps the only cat in the forest who could snarl at him and get away unscathed - not even Bluestar could say that without Tigerclaw snapping and stripping her of her lives where she stood. As the tabby skulked away, Spottedleaf grabbed a berry to make a poultice and carried it over to Ravenpaw, who had returned to curling up into a ball.

There was quiet in the den, save for the murmuring outside in the clearing. Spottedleaf was chewing on that berry for a bit before spitting it out and beginning to rub it on the wound. " Seven moons old…ridiculous… " she muttered to herself.

It was a moon since Tigerclaw had murdered Redtail and Oakheart. A moon since Tigerclaw had returned to camp, Ravenpaw by his side, and told the Clan that their beloved deputy had been killed by Oakheart in a private skirmish that he couldn't break up in time. That he had chased down and killed the RiverClan deputy in retribution and marked Sunningrocks back behind the ThunderClan border. A moon since every day of training became incomprehensible torture, with the clawmarks and threats and nightmares to show for it. Ravenpaw had never felt worse in his life, but he was alive.

He winced at the prickle of pain on the cuts. He was quite familiar with it now, in spite of Tigerclaw's insistence that he just walk it off. At first he had sought out Spottedleaf for relief, but now the medicine cat seemed to be seeking him out to treat his injuries. That was starting to make him nervous. How long would the flimsy excuse of him being injury-prone cover for all the scratches she had to patch up? What if she found out and told Bluestar?

Spottedleaf finished applying the poultice, but instead of grabbing some cobwebs to cover the cuts she leaned down and looked into his muzzle. Ravenpaw tried not to show his nerves, instead doing his best impression of exhaustion.

"When's the last time you slept, Ravenpaw?" asked the medicine cat curiously.

"Uhh…last night?"

Spottedleaf sighed. "Your body says otherwise…there's gunk under your eyes, they're red…have you been feeling alright?"

"Yeah? Yeah, I've…I've been great," said Ravenpaw, trying to play it off like he always did. This time, though, Spottedleaf seemed a bit more keen and insistent.

"Maybe you should get some poppy seeds for the next few nights to help you sleep-"

" No! I mean, no…I'm good. I promise." stammered the apprentice quickly. The last thing he wanted to do was fall asleep. Because sleep meant dreams, and the only dreams that he had were those with Redtail gagging on his own blood and Oakheart screaming for mercy. He had been riddled with insomnia since that night a moon ago, but he was content with fending off sleep and just passing out when his body couldn't take it anymore if it meant a dreamless sleep.

But the rejection of poppy seeds was clearly a bad move. Spottedleaf blinked, then slowly backed up to peek outside of the den. Sighing, she sat down right next to him. "So…is there any chance you're gonna tell me what happened that night? Or should I just tell you that I know?"

Oh StarClan. There was no way…how could she know? He hadn't said anything. "I…what? What are you talking about?"

Spottedleaf sighed heavily before gently speaking. "I know that Tigerclaw killed my brother."

Panic gripped onto Ravenpaw like a nest of nettles. He immediately gasped in terror, scooting away from the medicine cat and into the back of the den. Had he slipped up somehow? The threat that Tigerclaw had made rang back in his mind. " Oh StarClan…no, no, no, you can't tell anyone! Foxdung…what did I say? Oh no no no no he's gonna kill me…he's gonna kill you and then he's gonna kill me! "

Spottedleaf quickly lowered herself to meet his eyes. "I didn't find out from you. I found out from Redtail himself."

Ravenpaw didn't quite process that, still shaking his head listlessly in fear that he was going to die because someone else knew. So Spottedleaf gently pressed on. Do you know what happens on the half-moon? How I travel to the Moonstone to meet with StarClan? Well, Redtail came to me. He told me everything…he said that Oakheart was killed by the same claws and that you were an accidental witness. And he told me to find you. "

Ravenpaw shook his head, eyes wet with tears. " I don't believe you…I-I don't believe you- "

"I know what he's threatened to do if he knows that anyone else knows," insisted Spottedleaf, "And I promise I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't have a plan to protect you." At that, Ravenpaw began to calm down a little, but not by much. She seemed earnest, at least. But how could she possibly protect him from the most ruthless murderer in the forest?

The tortoiseshell gave him a minute to let out his jitters before gently resting her paw on top of his. "StarClan knows the injustice that has happened, Ravenpaw. They know that you are being threatened into silence. And they know that you are a good cat who wants to grow up and become a great warrior in spite of all of this. That you don't deserve to live in fear. So I have a task for you."

Ravenpaw slowly nodded. StarClan had felt so distant in this past moon, like they were inaccessible with the sins he knew of. But Spottedleaf looked so gentle and so earnest with what she was saying. Something in his heart told him that her knowing the secret was not going to damn him to slaughter.

Spottedleaf smiled and began to speak. "There are dark times coming, dark times for all of the Clans. But about a moon and a half ago…I received a prophecy from StarClan."

Ravenpaw's eyes widened. "A…prophecy? What is it?"

"I couldn't understand all of it right away…but there was one part that was clear. The final words that StarClan proclaimed.

Fire will save the Clan. "

Graypaw reacted exactly as Firepaw had expected him too all this time. There was a panic in his eyes and he looked between the ginger tom and Ravenpaw in a delirious frenzy. " Fire will save the Clan? FIRE?! "

Ravenpaw nodded, eyes not leaving Firepaw's. "That's what she said." The ginger tom didn't flinch, didn't bother trying to feign surprise. After all, trying to pretend that the destiny that StarClan was written was a surprise was useless at this point. Instead he met the black-furred tom's eyes as calmly as he could and gave a small nod.

"You know, then?" said Ravenpaw curiously.

"Yes. She told me the night she received the sign about the adder."

" AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?! " Graypaw was outraged, rightfully so. " You received a prophecy from StarClan saying YOU will save the Clan?! AND YOU KEPT THAT A SECRET ALL THE TIME?! "

" Graypaw, we were ordered to keep it a secret! " snapped Ravenpaw, "Firepaw had no choice. And neither did I."

That did nothing to calm the gray tom, who between the spat they had moments before finding Ravenpaw and now finding out about this secret was red hot with anger. " What else are you hiding from me, then? Huh? Did she tell you to keep losing Lionheart's kits a secret as well? "

" Enough, Graypaw! " Ravenpaw snapped at the apprentice. He not only looked well over his age, but sounded like it as well. "Your reaction is justified, but you're being unreasonable now." Graypaw sighed and backed off, but didn't move his scathing glare away from Firepaw who was silent.

It wasn't his fault. But he still felt horribly guilty that this was something he had to keep from him.

"She enlisted me as her…assistant that day," said Ravenpaw, continuing with his testimony, "Obviously, no one else was informed, though days where she wanted me around were much more difficult to explain away from Tigerclaw as time went on. But about a moon after Firepaw joined, she told me about Yellowfang. How she was going to be brought into the Clan, and how by all means necessary, she needed to stay alive."

"Okay, first of all," said Graypaw firmly, "How in StarClan's name did she know about that? And two, how could they possibly say to keep her alive when she killed kits!?"

"She receives orders directly from StarClan. As well as signs about the future," said Ravenpaw, trying to remain calm, "I'm sure Spottedleaf questioned them, but violating direct orders -"

"So StarClan is just telling the medicine cats that you need to protect a kit-killer? And a traitor? And you just didn't have a problem with it!? "

" You think I didn't have a problem with it!? " roared Ravenpaw, clearly at the end of his patience, "You think that I would just go along blindly with something after I watched the tom I wanted to be my mentor kill two innocent cats, then threaten me into silence and beat me half to death every single training session? You think that I just stopped being scared every single day when Spottedleaf told me to do this? You think I don't still think about throwing myself into the ravine and ending it all every single day?! "

Well, now Graypaw knew what it felt like to cross a line. Immediately did the apprentice wilt under his friend's green eyes, guilt flooding through his entire body. "None of this was easy. None of it, " said Ravenpaw quietly, desperately, "Do you know how hard it is to keep all of this from the only friends I have? I wouldn't even wish the life I've lived on Tigerclaw himself. "

"I know…I'm sorry…" whispered Graypaw quietly. Firepaw, though still silent, gave a nod of understanding to the black-furred tom. Because he did understand. He knew exactly how painful it was to keep much of his life a secret.

They were quiet for a while, the gray tom stirring in his misery in silence. After a moment for Ravenpaw to compose himself as best he could, Firepaw spoke. "Where is she now?"

The black tom shook his head. "You know I can't tell you that." Firepaw sighed and looked away as he continued. " But… she's in a safe place, far away. And I know the only thing I can give you is my word, but…she was not behind ShadowClan's attack. Even though she knew that ThunderClan would turn on her for it anyway."

iii

They were here. Now was the time.

Ravenpaw kept his head down to protect his eyes from the torrential rain, darting from tree to tree to make sure no one from ShadowClan spotted him. His heart was racing because he had known this day would come for almost a moon. Over and over, he had recited the plan to Spottedleaf, how he was going to get her out of camp by leading her over the back wall and out of the forest.

There was a farm not far from the forest. Owned by Twolegs, but there was a cat named Barley who lived in the barn. Spottedleaf had introduced him to Ravenpaw and they came to trust each other over repeated meetings to discuss the plan. He knew that they were coming tonight.

And he also knew that if Spottedleaf was not in the medicine den helping with the escape, she was certainly dead.

It was agonizing, knowing this much. Ravenpaw sometimes thought about a different time where he was a proper medicine cat apprentice fostering that connection with StarClan instead of learning healing methods and herb terminology in secret like it was forbidden. But even knowing about this fateful night and all that needed to happen…he couldn't think of a world where he could handle everything that Spottedleaf had.

He was one tree away from the edge of camp. Ravenpaw could hear the sounds of battle erupting, even some familiar yowls of those he knew. Close to him, he heard a ShadowClan warrior curse and tumble down the rocks, with another calling to the others " Those skunkheart bastards put thorns down! Watch your step! " Knowing that now was the time, the apprentice closed his eyes and spoke under his breath a prayer that medicine cats recited right before a battle.

"StarClan, hear my prayer. Protect my Clan, save my allies and damn my enemies through your righteous judgment. "

The wave of ShadowClan cats had all descended into camp. Ravenpaw surged forward, stepping gingerly around the thorns he and Spottedleaf had placed and slid down the rock wall. Landing on his paws with an Oomph and a brief stinging pain, he slipped around the wall of camp and into the medicine den.

Spottedleaf was not there. It was just Yellowfang, looking as tense and nervous as he had ever seen her. "Took ya long enough," she snapped.

"You know what to do," he said as she joined him by his side, flinching at the roll of thunder, "Climb up the wall, step around the thorns and follow me. Don't get caught. "

As they turned around and looked into the rain, Ravenpaw saw glimpses of his friends fighting as hard as they could. In the distance, a ShadowClan warrior stumbled off the side of the ridge and fell right into the roof of the den, destroying it and making the apprentice have to look away. He wanted to fight with every fiber of his body . But he couldn't let down Spottedleaf now.

"I hate to be the one to tell you this…" murmured Yellowfang, "But Spottedleaf-"

" I know. "

The ShadowClan molly sighed heavily. Ravenpaw knew that despite their bickering that she would miss her - after all, she was mortal. "Let's go," he said, rushing out into the pouring rain and making a beeline right for the wall. There were scrape marks that he had made with his claws in case of rain, so while the climb was difficult Ravenpaw was able to make quick progress up.

But halfway through his climb, he heard something horrifying.

" Mama! Mama, help me! "

Ravenpaw's head whipped down. Behind the nursery was a gathering of ShadowClan cats preparing to scale the wall. They were holding Frostfur's kits. The apprentice's breath caught in his throat. Brokenstar was kidnapping their kits before his very eyes…was he surely supposed to just stand by and not do anything about it?

To his horror, Yellowfang's answer was no. With an ugly cry, she moved across the wall and leaped onto one of the warriors holding the kits. " Let them go! " she hissed. Ravenpaw scrabbled back down the wall as fast as he could, stumbling to his paws and yanking her away.

" Ahh, she cut my eye! " hissed the cat Yellowfang had jumped. " Where did they go? "

" Doesn't matter! " said another warrior, " We got the kits. Take care of the mother. "

" No! " roared Yellowfang, fighting as hard as he could to break free from Ravenpaw. It was a miracle that the rain was as loud as it was to mute her voice to her former Clanmates. " Let me go! They're gonna kill Frostfur! "

"And they'll kill you too!" snapped Ravenpaw, every word searing him in the gut. He wanted to fight them. He wanted to kill them. But it was StarClan's will to have him take her aside…no matter what he was going to leave behind.

" This couldn't have been part of the plan… " snapped Yellowfang angrily, " They can't possibly- "

"You can't die, Yellowfang! If you go in there, they will kill you."

"But-"

" I'm sorry! " pleaded Ravenpaw. He was hurting so much right now and hated this plan as much as she did. " We have to go! " Yellowfang looked into the nursery in despair, hearing the wail of Frostfur rise up amidst the storm.

" StarClan…I'm a fucking monster. "

Ravenpaw's heart broke for her. Because he felt the same way. " I'm sorry…we need to go. "

The two of them turned back to the wall and began to scale it. Behind him, new cries emerged from the rain - members of the patrol that were sent to follow Spottedleaf from a distance, surely. He would never find out just how she died, but he knew in his heart that it was now. And as he crested the edge of the camp wall, helped Yellowfang up and raced into the dark and stormy night he closed his eyes and asked Spottedleaf for guidance one last time.

Through the territory did the two cats sprint. By the time they had finished cutting through RiverClan territory and stepped into unclaimed grounds, Ravenpaw's chest was burning. His emotions were catching up to him quickly, but he couldn't afford to let them overwhelm him now. Trying his best to see the points he picked out as guides through the rain, he led the medicine cat along until the form of the barn came into view. Yes! They were almost there.

Slipping through the fence and using the noise of the storm as cover to just race between the animal pens, the two cats raced into the cover of the massive red building. "Barley!" Ravenpaw called out into the darkness, "Barley, we made it!"

It was quiet for a moment and the apprentice worried that something had gone wrong. But there was a clatter and a sound of racing pawsteps above him and soon the form of a young black and white tom darted out of the dark and pulled Ravenpaw into a tight hug. " Thank the gods… " he whispered, " I was so worried cause of the storm… "

The scent of Barley and the farm was comforting now, and Ravenpaw melted into his embrace. As he did, the adrenaline wore off and everything came surging back. The images of his friends in battle, not knowing if they were going to make it out alive. The sight of the kits being stolen. The knowledge that Frostfur was dead. The knowledge that Spottedleaf was dead. The horrifying realization that he had seen it all and could do nothing to stop it made him weep quietly into Barley's fur. " Shhh… " came his gentle voice, with a gentle accent that didn't sound too different from Firepaw's, " You're safe now…I got ya… "

As Barley gently rocked him back and forth, Ravenpaw heard Yellowfang start to walk around a bit. "You're Barley?" she said gruffly.

"Yeah," said the tom with a nod, "Whole place is yours to roam. I can get ya anything ya want."

"Great. I want to be alone."

Yellowfang's pawsteps receded as she moved to the back of the barn. Ravenpaw stopped crying after a while, the sounds of the storm and the scent of his friend soothing him as he just rocked back and forth.

He didn't sleep that night, just pacing back and forth around the barn floor in the dark. The storm rolled on through the night, but lights on the edge of the fences soon flickered back on after a few hours. By the time the rain started to back off, Ravenpaw could see the cloudy sky gently lighting up with the sunrise.

He had done it. He had completed his mission. And now he was free. Free from Tigerclaw, free from the hellish life he had gone through for the last three moons. There was a chunk of him that was still deathly afraid that the tabby would hunt him down, find him here. That would probably be something he battled for the rest of his life. But his new friend Barley, as sweet and caring of a denmate as he could have ever asked for, was going to help him as best he could. Maybe things would finally start to get better for him.

Yellowfang was in the back corner of the den, sitting down with her eyes closed in vigil. Even in silence, Ravenpaw could see her face tied up in a knot of grief, mourning the life of Frostfur - someone who had hated her from the very beginning - the kits that ShadowClan had taken, and the life of Spottedleaf, the reason why she was still alive.

She was complicated. So, so complicated. Spottedleaf was probably the only cat in the forest that truly understood her. But even with the bits and pieces Ravenpaw himself had picked up on, he knew that the cat he had helped escape was not a monster. Even if she didn't see herself as anything else.

Something ate at him as the sun came up. He thought back to Firepaw and Graypaw, the only two true friends he had in ThunderClan. He thought of Dustpaw, his estranged brother who fell victim to grief over the death of their parents and let it rule his life. He remembered, for a fleeting moment, all the good that he was leaving behind along with the nightmares.

And as the rain finally stopped, Ravenpaw decided that he would spare just a look. One final check to make sure that they were okay. And if they happened to run into each other, maybe then he would tell them everything. Like he promised he would.

"Barley, I'll be back," he said after going up and across the balconies to Barley's nest, "I shouldn't be long."

"Hm?" mumbled the black and white tom sleepily, "Where are you going?"

Ravenpaw gave a sad smile. "To say goodbye to some old friends."

Ravenpaw was looking behind him, back in the direction of RiverClan. Firepaw felt his heart swell with pity and guilt. He felt gross for wanting to know the secrets Ravenpaw had been guarding so desperately , especially when they were worth keeping quiet. But even now that he knew, there was no catharsis to be found.

Tigerclaw was a murderer. Not only that, but he was a traitor in a manner Firepaw couldn't have possibly thought he could be. Killing the deputy in cold blood…ThunderClan was lucky that Bluestar had chosen Lionheart instead, weren't they? But the ginger tom had gotten what he wanted. His fury, his hunger for his bloodshed buried amidst all of these other emotions the last moon had forced upon him…

"Ravenpaw…at some point, we need to tell Bluestar about this…" said Firepaw gently, "I don't think he'll kill Lionheart like he did Redtail, but…if something happens to him and Tigerclaw becomes deputy…"

The black tom, to his surprise, nodded. He didn't seem nervous anymore. Just really, really sad. And that was starting to concern him. "You're right…"

"But what about you? " insisted Graypaw, "You're still not safe in ThunderClan. If he knows, then what stops him from killing you now?"

Ravenpaw was quiet, not meeting their eyes. When he finally turned to look at them, tearful eyes and a heartbroken smile was written onto his face. And despite the fact that he and Firepaw had never been close, that before this confessional he had tried to kill him, the ginger tom felt his heart shatter.

" No…No, you can't leave! " protested Graypaw, a similar panic swelling up inside of him, " I…no, you can't! There has to be a way- "

"This is the only way," said Ravenpaw. His voice was quiet and shaky. Clearly he had been dreading this moment for a long time. "I'm sorry."

" No! No no no…you're not leaving! " shouted Graypaw, growing more and more upset, " You're not leaving! We'll figure out some way to k-keep you safe! We'll make sure he doesn't lay a claw on you, won't we, Firepaw? "

Firepaw knew it was futile but he desperately wanted Ravenpaw to stay, somehow. He nodded, starting to get choked up. " Y-Yeah…there…we'll figure out- "

"If I'm…if I'm present when the truth gets out…he'll know you got it from me…" choked out Ravenpaw, "And all three of us die. You must…t-tell them I was killed…and that ShadowClan took the body so they d-don't come looking for me…"

" Ravenpaw…please… " sobbed Graypaw, stumbling forward, " I c-can't lose you…I just can't… "

The black-furred tom looked up at the sky, valiantly fighting tears. "I found a place…no Twolegs…and there's someone there…who will take care of me…"

" We can…visit sometime…right? " whimpered Firepaw. As Ravenpaw sadly shook his head, the ginger tom broke into tears alongside Graypaw. This really was the end. He was leaving forever and there was absolutely nothing that he could do about it. There was never a chance to save him or get justice so he could stay in the Clan. Tigerclaw was so dangerous that the only way that Ravenpaw could have the truth get out was if he disappeared for good.

It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. How dare he lose his friend like this.

Ravenpaw was trying his best not to lose himself in the hysterics, but he wasn't faring much better. "I need to tell you…both of you…that you have been the best friends I could have possibly asked for. I know I…had to keep this f-from you, but…you were kind and supportive…you s-stood up for me…and I'm so… so grateful…"

He looked up at the both of them, choking on his own breath. " You're the reason I'm still alive. "

Immediately, Firepaw and Graypaw rushed forward and yanked Ravenpaw into the tightest hug they could give. Muzzle buried into his shoulder and taking in the apprentice's scent for the final time, the ginger apprentice grieved with loud, ugly wails. He was angry. He was angry that all of this happened to someone he had wanted to protect - first for Graypaw's sake and now because he thought of him as a brave tom who had gone through unimaginable pain. And now he was walking away forever.

Firepaw's life had been so short here, just under three moons. But his heart and soul was with this forest more than it ever was in the city. Ravenpaw was a precious part of this beautiful world he had found. Over and over did the black tom whisper " I love you…I love you both so much… " over his sobs, and Firepaw believed it. And cherished it.

They were never going to be ready to let him go, but the tears dried up eventually and Ravenpaw slowly peeled himself from the embrace. There were no more words left to say, so the apprentice smiled and stepped forward, planting a small lick on the sides of their muzzles. A goodbye kiss as a final thank you.

And then he turned and began to walk. And Firepaw and Graypaw watched in silence as his black-pelted form retreated further and further into the distance, looking back to see them watch. Back, back, back did he recede into the horizon until he was just a black dot. Then he descended down a hill far away and was gone.

The walk back was silent. Firepaw and Graypaw couldn't think of anything they could say. Not of the argument, not of the prophecy and certainly not of Ravenpaw. The ginger tom was exhausted, and as they both approached camp he only felt the emptiness Ravenpaw was leaving behind grow more and more. By the time the two apprentices brushed past the gorse entrance into the camp, which was slowly starting to be repaired, Firepaw felt hollow.

"Graypaw, I…" Firepaw didn't even know where to start.

"Not…not now, Firepaw…" said the gray tom, his voice raw and dry from crying, "I think…I need to be alone for a while…"

Firepaw didn't bother trying to go after him as he slowly dragged himself back to the apprentice den. He knew better than to try and touch any of the grossness so soon. But he still needed someone to tell…someone that would just hold him for a while.

He wished he still had a mother. Not Quince, but…a mother who was good at just holding her kits and telling them everything would be alright. Quince certainly wasn't that. Firepaw let his paws lead the way and eventually when he looked up, he was standing in front of the leader's den.

"Firepaw?" said Bluestar, looking up from her grooming, "Is everything alright?"

The tom couldn't speak. He tried, but no words came. As he shook his head slowly, the grief overwhelming him, Bluestar was rushing over to him with worry in her eyes. "What happened?"

The voice that came out of Firepaw's mouth was not his own. It was a crude, haunted and rusty impression of his own voice, one from a tom that was broken with grief. One who couldn't handle the harshness of this world. One who had been tricked into a life of misery thinking a peaceful and exciting one awaited him. " Ravenpaw…is…dead… "

Bluestar looked horrified. Firepaw could see something break in her the same way something broke in him. "Oh StarClan…" she breathed out.

" ShadowClan…they- " Firepaw didn't even get to finish reciting Ravenpaw's instructions before the ThunderClan leader wrapped her forelegs around him and pulled him into her chest tightly. The ginger tom didn't cry - instead he mewled pathetically into her fur like he was a kit asking for milk. Letting out every single noise his body could make to exhume his grief and anger to the world.

Bluestar didn't ask for the full story then. She just simply held her apprentice the way he needed her to. And over the hammering in his head, Firepaw could hear her whisper to the stars over and over again the question he was asking himself.

" How many more? How many more? "

If you or a loved one are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please remember that there are always people out there who are here to help and support you.

If you are in the USA, dial 988 or call 1-800-273-8255 to connect to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.
If you are outside of the USA, follow this link and contact the number for your country:
https/blog./suicide-hotlines/

Always remember that no matter how dark and harrowing the world may seem, you are NEVER alone.