a/n: i worry so i write.

It wasn't only the nightmares.

I have been living with Viktor for three years.

In that time span we traveled to multiple competitions together under his watchful eye, spent so many nights talking together, and even had a dog together. We were practically married without a name to it.

Our friends-to-dating transition felt very natural. Only I was ready to take the next step.

Three years dating; there was no ring.

My name was still Yuuri Katsuki. Not Yuuri Nikiforov. Not that I had to take his name.

The ring itself was just that: a ring...but it was a symbol of commitment.

Lasting ties.

It was nearing the four year mark of our relationship.

We knew each other so well. A ring wouldn't change our dynamics, living situation, or incomes that much.

I was just scared that no commitment would bleed into five ..seven….ten…. twenty….when one of us would eventually die. No probably not that. But what if?

So many years could pass us by and nothing could change.

I still wanted that symbol.

The extra love.

The ceremony in front of everyone to let them know of our commitment.

It didn't bother me when we hit the first year mark. It was incredible how we got along, we lived together for about two months at the year mark of our relationship. It was so nice, every interaction still felt like I was floating.

Something dark shifted in me when we hit two years together though.

I was low on sleep but the anniversary evening went well. We celebrated with a nice dinner. The wine flowed as the conversation did then we walked to the hotel.

I wanted something more…a promise: that he really meant all the nice words and actions.

I held back my words as an innocent kiss turned more. We giggled into the hotel, room opening with his back and me pushing deeper into the kiss.

Later, in bed.

Worn out from a wonderful night.

We lay side by side. His breathing was deep, restful and I couldn't help…

But say, "When will we get married?"

Viktor replied, "We will have a big wedding, I promise."

He rolled over and his breathing got more even.

I couldn't sleep because of a big goofy smile on my face for what seemed hours. I fell asleep with my hand holding his. Dreams were blissful that night. That was over a year and a half ago, that promise.

I stared down at my hands, they were on either side of my lunch. Three and a half now….to four and nothing yet? It felt like too much.

Viktor finished lunch five minutes ago; I was barely halfway done. I couldn't eat…I didn't feel like eating.

The words were trying to claw their way up my throat.

"Hey Yuuri…what's wrong?" Viktor came and wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

"Ah- You know. Training." I feigned.

"Yes yes. Very hard, I know. I am only a part time trainer and full time lover."

I laughed lightly, "Yeah yeah we get it. You want to live vicariously through my ice-skating." I joked.

He wistfully sighed, "And its ok if I do?"

"Of course." I laughed, looking up at him.

He smiled down at me. Viktor wasn't kidding. I smiled through it.

"You know I'm sad this is your last season."

"Competitively." I corrected.

"Yes, but this is what is best about it." He said

"You can still ice-skate whenever you want." I turned around in my seat, facing him.

He gave a sad smile.

"I guess."

I felt so much pressure from performing well, to get first place…for the third time under Viktor. Our work and love life sometimes bled over but I knew how he worked.

How he trained me.

It was stressful sometimes: it was too much.