That Way

We say we're friends, but I'm catching you across the room

"You know you're playing with fire, right? " Antonio's words hung in the air, punctuated by the clink of his glass against the bar counter. The soft glow of the lights cast a warm embrace over Molly's, despite the clear discomfort Jay was in at the moment. He straightened his posture, his mind clearly elsewhere. This wasn't just a job; it was his life's calling.

Because he wanted to do this, he needed to be on his best behavior because this was his dream. This unit, these people. It was where he was meant to be; he fit in well, in the district, in the bar that welcomed them and the firefighters of the 51, along with the doctors of Med. He hadn't felt that way in a very long time, long before he deployed in Afghanistan. And he liked this feeling, this safe place.

His gaze flickered across the room, landing on the petite figure of the brunette girl amidst the crowd near Kim and Adam.

He knew that much of the credit for all of that belongs to her, to Erin, his partner at work and his best friend.

"Don't I know it. " Jay shrugged sarcastically as a response, and for a second he thought that the whole situation would have been quite ironic if only he wasn't in his own shoes.

Voight was clear: Erin is off limits. He is her work partner; that's all. Nothing else can happen there.

And saying this to yourself is one thing, but actually thinking it and, most of all, acting on it is another completely different thing.

Antonio's pointed gesture towards him jolted Jay out of his thoughts. "Listen, " Antonio's voice was low but firm, "if you want to keep this job, you need to heed Voight's warning and keep your distance. "

Jay nodded weakly, not truly sure of what to do, so he let his emotions get the best of him. Without a second thought, he signaled for Gabby to refill his glass with whisky. Each drink disappeared in a matter of seconds.

"Another round, Gabby. " Jay asked, his voice cracking from the burning sensation in his throat.

After what seemed like four or five rounds, Antonio stopped his friend from doing any more damage to himself.

"Gab, don't, " he urged his sister while Jay was asking for another refill, his words tinged with a mixture of sympathy and warning. "He'll regret it tomorrow. "

"I won't. " Jay muttered severely, his arms crossed.

"Everything good, guys? " The raspy voice from behind interrupted Halstead's irritating behavior for Antonio's sake.

As Jay turned around, he was met with Erin's piercing gaze.

She had a half-empty beer in her hand, the usual jeans she wore at work replaced by a pair of tight, black leather trousers and her usual red jacket. Just her near presence was able to send a jolt of electricity through him, igniting something in him that he struggled to contain a lot more in this moment.

"All good, Erin, don't worry" Antonio replied smoothly, shooting a warning glance at Jay, who seemed to be on the verge of saying something he would regret.

Erin stepped closer to Jay, her brow furrowing slightly as she studied his troubled expression. She hesitated before speaking, her tone calm yet probing. 'Are you sure? ' Her words held a soft undercurrent of concern, mirroring the subtle furrow in her brow.

Jay swallowed hard, trying to compose himself in her presence. "Yeah, everything's good, just having a drink, " he mumbled, avoiding her gaze.

Erin's lips curved into a teasing smile as she surveyed the array of empty glasses and bottles before her. "More like… six drinks? " she teased lightly, her tone playful yet showing a hint of concern.

"Not your call to make, Erin, " he stated coldly, not looking at her at all, "I'm not a child. " Even gulping down another glass of what maybe was scotch? He took it from Kevin, who was just beside them, the burning liquid providing a temporary escape from his inner turmoil.

Erin's furrowed brows at Jay's defensive response, hurt flickering in her eyes before she masked it with a neutral expression. She knew better than to push him when he was in this state, but she couldn't help but worry.

"Jay, I didn't-" she started calmly, but Jay cut her off with his sharp voice.

"Just drop it, Erin, " he said, his voice tinged with bitterness. "I don't need a lecture from you. "

Erin's heart clenched at the coldness in his tone, the distance he was putting between them like a physical barrier.

This isn't the Jay she's used to. And that isn't fair; he's struggling with something and uses self-defense as a coping mechanism.

She knows it too well because that's exactly how she deals with this. But they are partners; they are supposed to talk, to work things out, to be there for each other.

And Erin wants to do that so much, but all her life she was met with screams, indifference, unwelcome, and bitterness. She wasn't even sure she had ever had a normal conversation that didn't lead into an heated argument. If not with Hank and the unit, then for the rest of her "family, " yelling and drinking were the only ways to work things out.

"I'm not doing this if you don't want to talk to me, " Erin said, her tone laced with resignation as she retrieved her purse. "But if you ever want to talk, you know where to find me. " She swallowed hard, her departure leaving behind a gust of cold wind that seemed to echo the chill in Jay's body, sending shivers despite his blue winter jacket.

Antonio came back next to him, giving him a pinch on the arm, making the green-eyed detective wake up from his own thoughts. "What's going on, man? Voight warned you about Erin. But don't take it out on her. "

Jay had his head in his hands, "I'm just angry. "

"That's perfectly understandable! But be angry at the stupid rule, at Hank! You can be angry at whoever the hell you want, but I don't think Erin is the one you should pour your anger on. "

Jay's heart sank at Antonio's words, the weight of his actions hitting him like a ton of bricks. He had let his fear and frustration drive him to push Erin away, to hurt her in a way he never intended. And now, as he watched her walk out of the bar, he realized just how badly he had messed up.

"I screwed up, Antonio, " Jay admitted, his voice heavy with remorse. "I screwed up big time. "

Antonio sighed, shaking his head in disappointment. "Yeah, you did, " he said bluntly. "But that doesn't mean you can't fix it. Go after her, Jay. Talk to her. You owe her that much. "

Jay nodded as he placed some cash on the counter and left, incomprehensibly sobered up as he made his way (walking, of course, because one, he had just a little too much to drink and two, he went at Molly with Antonio)

He found out that Erin's apartment was either 15 minutes away by speed walking or, since he usually went there by car when she lets him drive, less than that. His head was pounding with things he wanted to say to his brunette partner.

The freezing cold hit him right in the face, as he felt his nose freezing up. "Thank god I'm a fast runner, " Jay muttered to himself, approaching Erin's apartment.

He climbed the stairs to her apartment, each step feeling heavier than the last as he rehearsed what he wanted to say in his mind. When he finally reached her door, he hesitated for a moment before knocking softly.

The door swung open, and Erin stood before him, her expression a mix of surprise and uncertainty. Jay took a deep breath and met her gaze with sincerity.

"I'm sorry. " He guessed that starting with a very much needed apology was the best thing to do, seeing Erin eyeing him quite coldly and seriously.

She didn't say a word, just opened the door a bit too much to let him know he could enter the apartment.

He quickly stood up, taking off his jacket due to the heat of the flat.

Erin was standing in front of him, arms crossed and wearing a pair of sweater pants and a hoodie. She still had the makeup from the whole day, yet to Jay she was outstandingly beautiful.

He looked right through her, deciding that it was time to be honest with her and with himself.

"You're off limits. " he confessed, as Erin looked at him with confusion and worry.

"Did you drink more after I left? " She asked, questioning, erroneously sensing the more intense hangover of his partner for his strange statement.

Jay shook his head, laughing slightly at her expression. "No, I didn't drink anymore. But that's not what I meant, " he clarified, his voice soft but determined.

Erin's expression softened, concern evident in her eyes. "Then what do you mean, Jay? "

Taking a deep breath, Jay met her gaze, his own eyes filled with sincerity. "I mean that Voight said you're off limits. But it's not just about that. It's about the fact that I've known from the beginning that I shouldn't feel this way about you, but I do. "

Erin's brows furrowed in confusion, but she remained silent, urging him to continue.

"I can't shake this feeling, Erin, " Jay confessed, his voice barely above a whisper. "No matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about you. And I know it's wrong, I know it's against the rules, but I can't pretend anymore. "

Erin's expression softened, understanding dawning in her eyes. "Jay, I…"

Before she could finish her sentence, Jay silenced her with his own voice again. "I just needed to be honest with you, " he admitted, his thumb tracing comforting circles on the back of her hand. "I know I've been distant, I know I've been pushing you away. But it's not because I don't care. It's because I care too much. "

"Jay.. " Erin's voice was barely a whisper, her emotions swirling inside her like a turbulent storm. She struggled to find the right words to express the feelings that had been building inside her for so long, "You know it's the same for me, it's always been. " Her eyes glistened with unshed tears, betraying the vulnerability she had long tried to conceal. Yet, despite the sorrow that clouded her gaze, Jay couldn't help but think how much he loved the hint of green that they showed.

"Why I can sense a but coming.. " Jay asked, feeling suddenly nervous.

Erin took a deep breath, her gaze flickering with uncertainty as she searched for the right words. "But Jay, " she looked at his freckled face, "you know how much Hank means to me, these are his rules and I... "

Erin paused, her voice wavering slightly as she struggled to articulate her thoughts. "I can't just disregard his orders, Jay, " she continued, her tone filled with regret. "Hank has been like a father to me, and I owe him everything. "

Jay's heart sank at Erin's words, the weight of their professional obligations pressing down on him once again. He knew she was right, knew that their relationship could potentially put their careers and their entire unit at risk.

"I understand, Erin, " he murmured, his voice tinged with disappointment. Barely above a whisper, he added, "I just wish…"

He understood the precariousness of their situation all too well, aware that their burgeoning feelings could jeopardize not only their careers but also the cohesion of their entire unit.

Before he could finish his sentence, Erin reached out and gently placed her hand on his arm, offering him a small, understanding smile. "Me too, " she said softly, her voice filled with empathy.

"But, we don't know what the future holds... " She added, her eyes reflecting a shimmer of light.

Jay nodded slowly, his gaze locked with Erin's as they both pondered the uncertain future ahead.

"Yeah, " he agreed softly, a flicker of hope igniting in his eyes. "Maybe one day, right? "

Erin's lips curved into a tentative smile, her eyes shimmering with a mix of emotions. "Yeah, " she whispered, her voice barely audible but filled with warmth. "Maybe one day. "

Jay felt a surge of relief wash over him at her response, a glimmer of hope blossoming in his heart.

"Until then, " he said softly, his voice tinged with determination, "we have each other's backs. "

"Hell yeah. " Erin said, trying to regain her confidence, feeling deeply all the weight of their conversation.

"Guess we'll see each other tomorrow, partner" Jay smirked as he took his jacket from the chair, opening the door.

"Well, I hope my partner won't be too hungover to work... " Erin teased him as he was about to leave.

"Oh, you don't have to worry about that; I guess he's an incredible detective, heard he is. He explains seriously while Erin, surrounded by laughing a bit, "plus, he's very handsome too. "

"Strange, I must have the wrong partner then. " She joked, Jay chuckled softly, his heart feeling lighter than it had in a long time. As he stepped out into the hallway, he turned back to look at Erin, a fond smile playing on his lips.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Erin, " he said, his voice warm with affection.

Erin returned his smile, her eyes sparkling with warmth. "Yeah, see you tomorrow, partner, " she replied, her tone filled with genuine fondness.

With a final wave, Jay made his way down the stairs, feeling a sense of hope and optimism blooming within him, with only one thought in his mind.

Their one day will come someday, so he will go on and keep going.

Because she was worth it.

They were worth it.