December 2008

Charlie was trying to find his moment, but found himself for a third time this week watching Sasha Suarez surf in the grey predawn.

Two floors down from his desk was Psychological Services, Charlie had made an appointment. Lynne Cools smiled as she welcomed him into her office. Charlie could not believe this calm space with the water feature and low, subdued lighting was in the same building as the hustle and bustle everywhere else. Charlie normally went to the roof for quiet, well as quiet as it got in LA.

"So Detective, What's troubling you?"

"Call me Charlie." He sat and faced the fifty year old woman, with the worn but calm face. She reminded Charlie of his dear departed mother. "I'm having trouble staying in the now. Reece could always snap me back or caught me before I wandered out of the moment, but I can't connect with my current partner and I loose my grounding and find myself not in the moment."

"Describe staying in the moment to me"

"Umm. What I should be thinking and feeling. The job, the case or the girl I'm with." Charlie then laughed. "Its been a series of girls since I got out of Pelican Bay. Young fun, none touched by anything dark or with any connection to me or my past."

"So do you want a serious relationship, Charlie?"

"I was happily married before. I did not stray. I did not need to. Jen was my high school sweet heart. The only girl for me until I went inside. My only one."

The psychologist made a brief note. "Did you have sexual relationships inside?"

"I had masturbated a lot. I had sex with a couple of guys after the divorce, after I got out of SHU."

"Penetrative sex?"

"Yeah full anal intercourse as both top and bottom. I connected with them. It wasn't rape. I don't count the rapes." The psychologist noted the brief lost expression on Detective Crews face before he blanked it.

"You were raped in prison?" Lynne wrote the note in his file.

"Yes. First year. After I came out of SHU I knew who to intimidate and who to avoid." Charlie sighed "I'm... I've connected with this guy I met last week. I want to get to know him. Not as a friend. I want to connect.. Shit I want him OK." Charlie looked at the water feature and watched the surface move and the light shimmer. Thoughts of Sasha bled into the now. "I'm obsessing over him. He's beautiful." Charlie closed his eyes to see the sinuous fluid movements of the surfer's body riding his board.

"Are your thoughts about controlling him?"

"No, Maybe." A hard look crossed Charlie Crew's face. "Sex in Prison is mostly about control. Pleasure is not enough for me. I want more ... I don't know what I want. I feel lost."

"Charlie have had any counseling since your release?"

"A couple of sessions for my psychological placement before rejoining the force. I went to one of Reece's meetings once. You know the program."

"Do you use alcohol or medication to keep you in the moment?" asked the counselor queried with a soft understanding voice.

"The occasional beer and tylenol don't count?" Charlie bet she was writing denial on her pad.

"No Charlie." Lynne moved closer and looked at the detective who had opened his soul for the first time. "Have you spoken to your friends about the assaults in prison?"

"Ted knows. I helped Ted get through a rough patch inside. He was also assaulted... raped. Ted and I are our own support group. But he's in Spain."

"You are confused over your sexuality. Experiment. Find whats good for you. Consensual sex no matter the partner is normal. Date, Charlie. Not casual sex. Go on a date. My door is open. OK."

Lynne Cools pulled Charlie Crews medical report from Pelican Bay. Blood Work Clean. Lucky Man. Multiple assaults in those first six months. The psychological reports mentioned dissociative disorder in SHU. The assessment prior to him rejoining the force mentioned no cross-referencing of any concerns raised from his imprisonment. The analysis was a standard test for re-enlistment. No one had thought to offer Crews help to deal with his past.

At the end of the day Crews was pulled into Captain Tidwell's office. "You OK?"

"Yes, no. Maybe." Tidwell noted Crews was not his normal happy, zennish self.

"You went to see the shrink."

"I don't like Roswell." Charlie left it at that. He had no choice but to work with him. The guy was meant to be the lead investigator but Crews was doing all the work.

Tidwell nodded and then stated "Roswell is a temporary partner. Two months tops then Seever will be back. Stick him out. He might grow on you."

"He makes comments and never realizes that I was, up until to two years ago a lowlife, a maximum security prisoner, a con. He gets to me. Off the record I feel like sticking the bastard."

"That bad?" Tidwell asked concerned for his friend.

"Yeah. I'm off for some R and R. I need it"

Tidwell went back to his desk, sat down and reread the file sent up from Lynne Cool's office. Crews passed off repeated sexual assaults as a matter of course for surviving prison. Follow up sessions had been timetabled by the shrink. Tidwell knew Crews had pursued two unofficial personal investigations. The man had been driven and focused during his partnership with Reese, Crews was now floundering. Psych services would sort him out or he'd be receiving a medical discharge. He and Reese would visit Charlie, a guy needed his friends at times like these. He'd speak to Bobby Stark and Seever as well.