Naomi

Daryl,

You were probably kidding when you told me to make a list, but… well, you know me. Couldn't resist.

These things are all still true:

•I'm still scared of being pregnant and the absolute horror show that can be.

•I'm still scared something might happen to the baby, and we'll have no control over it.

•I could die.

•I still worry I won't be a good Mom.

• I'm afraid of all the times I'll get angry and lose my temper.

• I'm terrified of ending up anything like my own Momma.

• Raising kids is hard. They never listen; they get into all kinds of scrapes. They can break your heart in a completely unique way - the first fight you have when they tell you they hate you because you won't let them do something is a real punch in the heart. Even if they're four years old and don't mean it, and the thing they want to do is cut their own bangs with nail clippers.
(Never tell her this, but the more into her teenage years Mia gets, the more I dread the day we get in a fight so big she pulls the 'you're not my Mom card.')

•The world is fucked. I worried having a family might make Mia feel like she's not important anymore or that she's being pushed out because she isn't biologically mine.

However, these things are also true;

• Being scared isn't a good reason not to do something when it's something you want. And it IS something I want. Besides, everything worth doing is a little scary, right?

• I can't remember when I wasn't afraid of turning into my Momma, and I've worked hard not to, especially around Mia. And I'll keep working on it forever.

• Raising kids is hard, but it's also a beautiful mess. Seeing them grow into these funny, confident little people with their own thoughts, opinions, and interests makes the tricky bits less difficult.

• Mia was very excited when she found out about our little "scare," so I guess I was worrying for nothing.

• The world is fucked, but when wasn't it? There were always dangers, even back in the old world. Having to hunt for survival and our physical safety was something you and I had to worry about before all of this. At least our kids would be safe in their own home, and have a family that actually looks out for them.

While all of these things on their own might not have been enough to convince me, there's one big factor I hadn't thought about before because it hadn't been one;
You.
The list could have started and ended here. But you'd have hated that, so I had to write all of this other bullshit to trick you into reading this part.

• Daryl - you would be the world's best father. I see it all the time - how you are with Mia and every other kid in the communities. They have fun with you, but they also feel safe with you around. Protected.

• It's not just them you're good with. You always know exactly how to deal with my bullshit too, how to talk me down when I'm on the brink of something. You make me less scared of something I've been terrified of since when I was sixteen because I know you can calm any anxiety I have. Nobody else I've ever met could do that.

• You are so unlike the people who raised you. You are gentle, kind, and loyal as hell. You've never scared me or Mia, not even when you're mad about something. We feel safe with you. Seeing how different you are from your parents makes me feel like I can do it, too. I don't know what a good Mom looks like from experience, but you never knew what a good Dad looked like either, and you fill that role as naturally as breathing.

• We're a team. I know you'll have my back when things get hard. That's always been our way.

• I like who I am with you. You make me feel like I can do anything—even this.

• It's not just that Mia herself seemed excited for our family to get bigger; it's the two of you and how you are with each other. You love each other so much in a way that has absolutely nothing to do with me, and it makes me so happy. I can tell she feels secure in her bond with you, and I know that no matter what, you'll never break it. I trust you with her, and I never thought I'd be able to say that about anybody.

• I could die, and that's okay. (Don't argue with me, this is my list. Feel free to make your own.) Don't get me wrong, I plan on sticking around and annoying you until we're old and gray, but if the worst were to happen, I know I'd be leaving our kid in the best possible hands. Even if something happened to me, you would be there for them, raise them right, and love them twice as hard.

All it comes down to is this: I love you. I love our little family, and I want it to get bigger. Everything else, we'll figure out along the way.

Daryl

The words blurred in front of me so many times, but I couldn't stop reading. It took me almost an hour to get to the end, and when I did, it felt like I'd been hollowed out, all of my vital organs scraped away by something blunt and rusted.

Why is there blood on it?

There was a lot that was overwhelming about the page in front of me, but the blood was the thing I kept coming back to. I wasn't ready to deal with the rest; I would fall apart if I let it hit me in full force.

I wasn't even completely sure it was blood. It was a dried smear, darkened reddish brown, but… what else could it be? When I'd first flicked to it, it caught my eye. Then I saw my name. Before I read it, I thought maybe she'd been so mad she'd pulled over to write some kind of break-up letter, so she'd never have to see me in person again, only for Negan to open the door and drag her out before she could finish.

I might have preferred a break-up letter.
This hurts more.

"This look like blood to you?" I pushed the binder towards Bryce. He frowned and leaned over it, studying it for a moment. His eyes widened.

"I… don't think I should be reading this," Bryce said, quickly averting his gaze. "But… the blood… she'd had a few nosebleeds lately. It could have come from that… it's hard to say when she wrote it."

I was sure I could narrow down the timeframe she'd written it in, but I didn't say that. Didn't much fancy going into the details of that night with Bryce.

"Nosebleeds?" I frowned. "Since when?"

"I dunno," he shrugged. "A week, maybe? I mean, a week before she went missing… "

"She never told me."

"They didn't last long," he said, trying to reassure me for the same reasons she probably hadn't told me in the first place - even the tiniest hint she was sick felt like a monumental, apocalyptic-level threat. "It didn't seem serious. It wasn't that many."

My jaw tightened. What if it had been serious? What if it was a warning that something was seriously wrong with her? If she'd had some kind of fit behind the wheel, a seizure or something, and stumbled out all disoriented…

Another fucking theory to add to the never-ending list.

Bryce had stopped working. His eyes were unfocused on some far-off place, but I knew where his thoughts were. They were with her. Wherever that was. I knew the feeling. I lost count of the times it had threatened to pull me under completely. "You all right?"

"Sorry, I just…" Bryce shook his head and glanced back at that list. "Never thought she'd be in a place where she'd be thinking about… a family of her own like that."

The lump in my throat was too big to swallow. I nodded.

I don't think she did, either.

Sitting in the middle of all her things felt wrong. Invasive. But what if there was some clue in the stuff she'd left behind?

Negan insisted he didn't have her, but I didn't believe him. I couldn't. Which meant I couldn't kill him either. If he'd put her somewhere, injured, it was a race against time to get to her before she succumbed to it. Even if he hadn't hurt her, had he left her enough food? Water? How long could she last? A week from now, when she was starved and dehydrated, he might reveal he knew where she was after all. Either way, I needed to break him.

Plus, there was always the possibility he wasn't working alone. While I still thought it was unlikely that Amber and Mark had joined them after everything he'd put them through, I hadn't ruled out the others - John and Marissa - two people I hadn't known the names of until they up and vanished. Maybe Negan technically didn't have her, but they did on his orders. It would be just like him to hang his defense on a technicality like that. Taunt me with a lie by omission. I'd been looking for every note she'd taken on them when I stumbled on that list. It knocked the wind right out of me.

She wanted to have a kid.

My kid.

Ours.

Every time I thought about it, I felt the weight of everything we'd almost had pulling me under. It was especially heavy because I knew that when we found her, it wasn't like everything would be forgiven. Or that we'd go back to how things were, the happiest I'd ever been. She'd still hate me. But she'd be home. Alive. It was all that mattered.

At some point, in the small hours, Bryce turned in and went to bed, gently suggesting I did the same. I hoped the noise I made in response sounded like I agreed. I didn't. I'd never be able to sleep tonight. I couldn't stop while Naomi was out there somewhere, cold and alone. Another night alone.

She's been gone for a week.

And we only just noticed.

That killed me. A whole week where the worst kinda shit could've happened to her. A whole week with nobody looking for her. I knew what that was like. Nine days alone in the woods as a kid with nobody looking for me. But at least it hadn't been winter. At least the temperature hadn't gotten so low it was deadly. At least I wasn't out there worrying about a family member who'd been badly hurt.

No matter where she was or what had happened, she'd be losing her mind over not making it back to Mia.

I kept going through all of her notes about Negan's possible accomplices. I needed something to do, and arming myself with anything useful for the next time I went to interrogate him stopped me from breaking down completely. I could feel it brewing, though, a shadow right behind me. Without something to do, I'd have climbed the gates and started tearing those damn woods apart. Rick had stationed more lookouts than usual around the place; he said it was in case Naomi made it here, but I knew it was to keep me inside, too.

The others arrived at daybreak. Rick had told me he was calling in reinforcements and arranging some kind of search party, but seeing them out in full force like that made me choke up.

At the gates, Carol and Ezekiel jumped down from their horses. It was one of the few times I'd seen Ezekiel, and he hadn't been smiling. He didn't even smile when he greeted Jerry, who'd arrived in the group from Sanctuary with Eugene and Aaron. Justin had turned up to help look for her and glared at me like it was all my fault. I didn't flinch because he wasn't wrong. Behind him was a bunch of other people I'd never bothered learning the names of but was willing to bet Naomi had.

Maggie and Glenn were here, too. Baby Hershel strapped across Maggie's chest meant they weren't in a position to lead. They'd only be able to do so much and look after their little guy. But the fact that they'd shown up at all meant the world. They had delegated leading the group from the Hilltop to Tara and Denise. Jesus gave me a sympathetic smile when he caught my eye.
Lucas and Perla were amongst the Alexandrians at the gate. I heard him tell Perla to go and sit with Mia. Mia had been desperate to help with the search, but there was no way she was well enough to be out of bed for that long yet. Especially not out in the woods for any length of time. Having a friend with her would help make sure she didn't bust out of there and reopen her stitches.

"You good?" Carol asked quietly from my left. I couldn't look her in the eye, or I'd have started bawling, but her quiet and steady presence was nice. As calming as it could be given the situation.

"It's just…" I cleared my throat. "A lot of people."
It was probably the first time in my life I'd been happy to say that.

"She's family, man," Rick said, stepping up on my other side. "We'll bring her home."

I couldn't speak, could only nod.

Come on home, baby. See how many people care about you.

Rick had asked if I wanted to say something or have any input on the groups we'd split people into, but I didn't. Talking to a bunch of people had never been a strength of mine or my idea of a good time. I couldn't understand the need for a pep-talk when the motivation for searching was so fucking clear to me. So, I let Rick give one of his speeches and explain the search parties and areas he'd divided everyone into. It was the same kind of grid system he'd tried to implement in the search for Sophia, but I tried not to think about that and how it had ended. I wondered if it was hard for Carol and was grateful as hell that she was out here looking for my girl after I'd failed at finding her little one.

My only request had been that Rick put me in the group that started by her car. He hadn't fought me on it, although I'm sure he'd wanted to. It was probably part of his cop-training that you keep a person's nearest and dearest away from where you might find a body. Sure he wanted me to sit on my ass and wait for news, but he knew me better than to ask me to do that.

Seeing the car again made me feel sick. I'd prayed that she'd have gotten the note and be waiting for all of us there with a smile and some crazy story about what had happened to her. But the car was right where we'd left it, the note on the dash from 'Bryce' untouched. No Naomi.

Bryce paled when he saw the car, too. I think both of us hoped the note would work. Summon her somehow. Rick put a hand on my back, "You good?"

No.

I could see him wrestling with the idea of sending me home. Making me wait in case they found something out here I wouldn't want to see. But he didn't. He knew it was pointless.

I stood by the still-open driver's door, the last place I knew for sure that she'd been. Made me feel like I could step into her footsteps, follow her right into wherever she was. We walked forward, away from the car, and into the woods. Rick made us go slow, scanning the ground for any little detail. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to run through the woods screaming her name until she answered me. But the tracker in me knew it was important to take my time. Anything could be buried in that snow. I didn't want to miss it, even if it ended up being her.

About an hour in, the walkie on Rick's shoulder crackled and I felt the static across my skin, making the hairs on my arms rise.

"Rick?"

Tara.

She didn't sound happy. I started feeling real sick. Rick glanced at me as he answered, dread in his eyes. We'd both heard the tone.

"You got something?" he asked. I almost wanted her to say no.

"Think we've found where Negan's been hiding."
I grabbed the walkie from Rick's hand. It shook in mine.

"Is she there? Is she there?" I asked, knowing full well that if she'd been found alive, Tara would have opened with that.

"No."

I pushed the walkie back towards Rick and started walking anyway. He probably tried to call me back. It probably wasn't what I was supposed to be doing, but how could I stay away from a potential lead this big?

I knew where they'd be; I had every one of those damn grids Rick had drawn up memorized. On the way, I passed two Walkers who stood frozen right next to each other. Only their eyes moved, tracking me hungrily. Neither of them was her, but I still had to check before I took them out. The thought of having to do this for every Walker I came across for the rest of my life made my stomach turn like I'd downed off milk.

It was easy to spot them once I got close. They were crowded around something on the ground. I broke into a sprint. Tara turned, saw me coming, and tried to slow me down. "Daryl, let us deal with this. You should go back to-"

I pushed past her and broke through the group to see what they were standing around. There was a square hole dug into the earth, about big enough to fit one person, its edges fortified with wood, hinged on one side. An equal-sized wooden trapdoor was lying open. Glenn was half-in, half-out, standing on a ladder that led down into the earth.

"Daryl…" he didn't smile when he saw me. Further away, back by the road, I could hear a baby crying.

"The hell am I lookin' at?" I asked.

"We think this is where Negan's been staying," Glenn said. "We knew the Saviors had caches of weapons and supplies around the place, but we didn't think to look for any underground ones. Maybe he knew we didn't' know about them, so he'd be safe here. Or, maybe he spent the summer building it with help from Ronnie and those guys. I dunno… but…"

"Move," I cut him off. I wasn't very interested in how this had gotten here. I mainly cared about what it had been used for in the last week.

"She's not down here," Glenn said. "And you probably don't wanna see it, it's a little… weird."

"Move," I said again. If she'd been kept here, if there was the smallest sign of her anywhere, I didn't trust anyone but me to pick up on it. He climbed up and let me climb down.

Maybe she was here

Maybe she got out.

The area around the bunker was a mess of snow churned up by boots. Tracking any specific set would be almost impossible.

The ladder was wooden and a little shoddy, definitely hand-made. It went down deeper than I expected and opened into a small room - if you could call it that.

So this is where the little rat's been hiding…

I'd been expecting some kinda villain's lair, but the truth of it was more pathetic than that. The ceiling wasn't much taller than I was. It was hard to imagine Negan stooped over in here. Crude shelves built into the walls held cans of food. Some were open. Some weren't. There was a bundle of clothes in the corner that could have counted as a bed if you were desperate. Dumped in the corner was a duffle bag I recognized as the one Naomi had given him supplies in.

The worst part of it was all the letters. Piles of them. Sheets of paper everywhere. All of them had her name on them, but not her writing. At first glance, I thought they were some kind of deranged ransom note. I almost hoped for it because it would be proof of life. Then everyone could stop looking at me like she was dead, and we could get to finding her.

But they weren't.

They were apology notes. Written over and over again. About how he'd never hurt a kid. How he'd never have gone back on their deal. How, if she took a minute to think about it, it was all my fault, actually. I stopped reading them. If I looked too hard, they started to look like love letters from a serial killer.

I'm going to kill him. Real soon.

Glenn shuffled down the ladder after me. Probably to check I was okay. Couldn't stand the way he was looking at me. Couldn't stand the way any of them were looking at me today.

"Was it open when you got here?" I asked before he could check in on how I was doing. The answer was fucking terrible.

"Yes. There's a bunch of dirt and stuff stuck to the outside of the hatch," Glenn said. "It would be pretty unnoticeable from the outside if you didn't know where to look. We only saw this one because he'd left it open."

With Glenn down here with me, I noticed how cramped it was. How difficult it would be for two people to live down here for a week. I couldn't stand the thought of her trapped nose-to-nose with him for that long.

"Maybe he's got others," I said. "Hidden around the place."

And maybe she's trapped in one. I couldn't say it, but I didn't need to. Glenn knew what I was implying.

"Yeah. Maybe," he agreed. Anything felt possible in the worst way. Avoiding eye contact with him and those damn letters, I climbed back out.

Feels dumb to say, but I thought I'd somehow know if she'd been kept down there. Like I'd feel it. Feel her presence somehow. But it was just a hole in the ground. Dirt. The only signs of life were from a deranged psychopath.

I studied the footprints around the bunker again. A mess. I widened the search, discounting any that came from the road the search team would have walked in on and eventually found a set distinct from the others. They were heading back the way I'd come, back in the direction of Alexandria. I left them to the rest of their search and followed them, knowing they'd take me back to the group by the creek.

The footprints were too big to be Naomi's. An educated guess told me they were Negan's, on his way to turn himself in. It hadn't snowed since then. Before I got to the others, his footprints veered off toward the road. I let them, and kept heading back the way I'd come to join up with Rick and the others.

They'd reached the lake.

Someone had found something. A crowd had formed around it, just like by the bunker, but they were right by the side of the lake. I called out to them. Rick threw a nervous glance over his shoulder. I was already walking toward them.

"Stay back, Daryl," he warned.

No fucking way.

I'd already seen Bryce wiping his eyes like he was crying. I sprinted toward them. Resigned to what was about to happen, Rick turned, something clutched in his hands.

It was her bag. I took it from him. Felt wrong that he was holding it at all.

That damn teddy bear smiled at me in his shades, and something broke inside me. I dropped to my knees.

I held that bag, the one I'd given her so nervously on her sixteenth birthday, in shaking hands. Kennival's smile felt like an insult. I remembered the day we'd found him. How she'd scooped him up off the side of the road and held him out to show me him sitting on her hand. The same hand I'd put a ring on all those years later.

Something had happened to her, and it had happened right here. She'd carried this damn bag through everything.

Unless she was so mad at me, she tossed it.

I looked up at them all, about to confess everything, to tell them that no, this didn't mean she was dead because she'd left hating me enough to throw this thing away. I didn't mean anything to her anymore, so this bag wouldn't either. But the look on their faces stopped me from saying another word.

They were still trying to hide something from me.

"What is it, Rick?" I asked. I could barely get the words out.

"Go back, Daryl," Rick said gently. He was crouching down next to me, which is how I knew it was bad. "Let us deal with this, all right?"

I looked past him, peering around him and through the legs of the people standing by the lake's edge, and felt my heart stop. Not far off, under the ice, there was a dark shape. About the size of a person. The same dark blue as the jacket she'd been wearing when she left me.

This is what a heart attack feels like.

It was about to give out on me. I was sure of it. I skidded forward on my knees across the ice. Felt the cold burn through my pants. I stopped on top of that shape.

"No. No, no, no." I clawed at the ice. I could hear people yelling at me to move, to get off the ice, but none of it mattered. I wanted it to break like I was breaking. Shatter and swallow me whole. I wanted to reach in and pull her out or sink down and be with her. I didn't care which. "C'mon, baby, please… not you… not like this."

I wiped the ice with my sleeve, trying to clear some of the remaining snow and make it less frosted. I was searching for something, anything, that would prove it wasn't her down there. But, from the depths of my mind, I kept imagining I was about to uncover her face, staring blankly up at me with frozen eyes.

Someone's hands grabbed my shoulders, and I got frantic.

They were trying to take me away from her.

"Naomi, please…Please, baby… come back to me. Come back." I slammed my palms against the ice between us like it was just a window. Like she'd be able to hear me and come back through. I screamed her name over and over. Don't know why. I knew if it were really her down there, she wouldn't be able to hear me or respond.

I think I just didn't want her to feel alone down there.

I fought, but they managed to pull me away, skidding and sliding back across the ice to the shore. I knelt there. It was hard to breathe. Felt like my own lungs were filling with ice water and suddenly I couldn't move. Couldn't see. Couldn't do nothing but sob.

"We don't… we don't know it's her," Bryce said. I caught the look Rick threw him, a warning not to feed my delusions, but it wouldn't change anything. Bryce hadn't said it to comfort me, if I was in denial, he was sitting right there with me.

"That could be anything under there. I mean… even if she went in, she could have got out, right? She'd have swum to the side and maybe… and maybe…."

My heart sank. I couldn't believe I was going to be the one to have to say this. "She couldn't swim, man."

"No, no," Bryce shook his head. "She took Mia swimming all the time, she… she…"

"Nah," I shook my head, "She never learned. Nobody ever taught her."

I was supposed to.

And what had I done? Let my desire for her win out over her safety.

I did this.

I killed her.

I couldn't stop thinking about how much she'd been shaking that day. The fear in her eyes. The way she'd trusted me to keep her safe.

God, she'd have been so scared.

So scared and so alone.

Neither of us was supposed to be alone ever again.

I couldn't take my eyes off that shape in the lake. Under the ice. Couldn't bring myself to think of it as her, but… also, I couldn't shake the possibility. Her name kept rising in my lungs but got stuck around my heart before it could get out.

"Daryl," Rick said. I could feel his hands on my shoulders again. He was talking to me real quiet, crouched down where I was sitting, numb, in the snow. "Come on now, let's go back."

"No," I said. I wasn't leaving her. I'd failed her so badly that the least I could do was guard her body until I could retrieve it. I felt sick. I still couldn't get used to the idea that it was her under there. That I was most likely fishing out a body, not rescuing my girl.

"I can't let you sit here," Rick said. "It's too cold out, you'll-"

He stopped himself, but I knew what he was going to say, 'you'll freeze to death'.

Like she did.

Let me.

He didn't get it, why I couldn't leave. Why I'd never move from this spot again.

"She's alone, Rick," I said. "She's on her own. I can't… I can't…"

"We'll come back," he said. "When it thaws, we'll come back and bring her home."

"Home?" I spat the word out like it was poison. "Ain't no home anymore, man."

It was gone forever, drowned beneath the ice.

' Angel' was just a nickname.

It wasn't supposed to come true.

AN: new chapter coming asap because this feels mean even for me.