In this chapter, I used part of Ashley and Scarlett's dialogue in Tara. I'm sorry for that, I don't like this scene between them, but it's necessary for the plot. I promise we'll see Rhett in the next chapter.

Everything belongs to MM. I don't own anything.

Please leave a comment about my English, I'm not quite sure how easy it is to read this chapter

It was the autumn of 1865. Scarlett was sitting in the small office that had once belonged to her mother. She diligently wrote a letter to Aunt Pitty, saying that neither she nor Melanie nor Ashley could come and live with her in Atlanta.

Aunt Pitty was not related to her, but during the war, Scarlett lived in her house with Melanie. Of course, the idea of going to a big city and living there occupied Scarlett's thoughts for a while. She was too tired of all the problems that lay on her shoulders. She had to think about what they would all eat, what to wear, where to find money for all this. The prospect of running away to Atlanta was so pleasant, but she knew she couldn't do that. Too many people were counting on her. After her father's death, she was the head of the family, giving up everything was too much of a luxury.

Another headache for Scarlett was the news that she needed to find three hundred dollars to pay taxes for Tara. She barely slept last night, thinking about where she could get that kind of money. All her friends were as poor as she was.

The only person who could have that kind of money was Rhett Butler…Rhett, she thought about the night Atlanta fell so often. The horrors of that night gradually dulled in her memory and all she remembered was the kiss they shared on the road Rough and Ready. His hot hands, his passionate kiss, his declarations of love.

"I love you, Scarlett..."

How often at night she remembered those words, she didn't even know if he was alive or not. After he left them there on the road and joined the army, she did not receive any news from him. She didn't have much free time to analyze what had happened. Whether he really loved her or just succumbed to the moment. And if he loved her, what did it mean to the two of them?

She tried not to think about it. He could have been lying dead somewhere on the battlefield for a long time and his words would have meant nothing. But if he was still out there somewhere... she couldn't seriously consider what he told her. She didn't love him... she didn't love him. Yes, she liked Rhett, but he was such a scoundrel at times. And she had Ashley, she loved Ashley, and he loved her.…

Scarlett hasn't had a chance to talk to him since he returned a few weeks ago. She wanted so much to tell him how worried she was about him, how afraid he wouldn't come back. She longed to be in his arms. But Ashley was reserved and distant with her, he thanked her, and kissed her on the cheek for helping Melanie and his son, but otherwise, he did not seek a meeting with her and did not even try to get alone with her for a conversation.

Scarlett couldn't understand why he was acting like this to her. She remembered that kiss in Aunt Pitty's library during the war, it seemed to her that then they shared this intimate moment together, that he shared her feelings. But now everything seemed different.

She finished writing the letter and decided to find Ashley, she needed help, he would be able to solve this tax problem, he would be able to help her, she was sure of it.

Scarlett went out into the garden, hearing the sound of an axe coming from behind the pomegranate grove. He was leaning on an axe, wiping sweat from his forehead. He was wearing Gerald's old clothes. Her heart began to beat treacherously. He wasn't built for this job. He was born to be a plantation owner, write poetry, read books and play the piano.

"They say Abraham Lincoln started his career cutting stakes, imagine what heights I can achieve, Scarlett," he joked sadly.

She had never liked these strange jokes of his. She told him that they needed to get money from somewhere to pay the tax. Scarlett expected that he would be able to help, that he would figure out where to get the money.

"Ashley, we need to get the money somewhere and as soon as possible," she finally spoke, seeing that he was silent.

"Yes, of course, but where? " he asked absently.

"So I'm asking you," she said irritably.

She felt confused. She expected Ashley to rush to solve this problem, that she would offer some options or just hug her and calm her down. But he didn't do anything.

"I do not know, Scarlett, I do not know what will become of us, those who live in Tara and all the other Southerners." his thoughtful gaze was directed into the distance.

She got angry.

"I don't care what happens to everyone else. What will happen to us?" she wanted to scream, but she didn't. She was so tired. There was no need to wait for slop from Ashley.

He kept saying something about gods and other nonsense, which she didn't listen to, she was desperate. Scarlett only came to her senses when she felt him take her hands in his.

"The most beautiful hands I've ever seen," he said and lightly kissed both palms in turn. "They're beautiful because they're strong, and every blister on them is a medal, Scarlett, every bruise is a reward for courage and selflessness. And they became rude because they worked for all of us—for your father, and for the girls, and for Melanie, and for the baby, and for the Negroes, and for me. My dear, I know what you're thinking right now. You think, "What an impractical fool and chatterbox he is, talking all sorts of nonsense about dead gods while living people are in danger." Isn't that what you think?

She nodded, wishing with all her heart that he would hold her hands for the rest of his life, but he let them go.

"And you came to me in the hope that I would help. Well, I'm not in a position to help. He looked at the axe and the pile of stakes with inexpressible bitterness. — My house is gone, as well as the money that I had and the possession of which I took for granted. I am not fit to live in this world, and the world to which I belonged has disappeared. I can't help you, Scarlett, I can only try to become a run-down farmer. And I won't save you any Containers with this. Do you really think I don't understand the bitterness of our situation: after all, I have, in fact, been living on your generosity for a long time… Oh, yes, Scarlett, that's right: your generosity. And I will never be able to repay you for what you have done out of the kindness of your heart for me and for my loved ones. I am more acutely aware of this every day. And every day I see more and more clearly how helpless I am, how unable I am to cope with what has befallen all of us… Every day my damned fear of reality complicates my life more and more, not allowing me to face the new things that have appeared in our reality. Do you understand what I'm talking about?

She nodded. It was not very clear to her what he meant, but she absorbed his words with bated breath. It was the first time he had shared his thoughts with her—he, who had always been so far away from her. And she was all flushed with excitement as if something was about to open up to her.

He paused, and a slight smile touched his lips; suddenly he shuddered, feeling the touch of a cold wind through his thin shirt. "In other words, Scarlett, I'm a coward.

"But, Ashley, what are you afraid of?"

"Oh, it's indeterminate. There are things that sound very stupid when put into words. The main thing is that life has suddenly become so real, that you have come into contact, you have come into contact with its simplest facts. And it's not that I'm saddened by the need to cut stakes while standing in the mud, I'm saddened by what gave rise to this need. And I am saddened — very saddened — by the loss of beauty, which was full of my former, beloved life. But what a beautiful life it was before the war, Scarlett. It had everything—charm, perfection, ideal, and symmetry, as in Greek art. Maybe she wasn't like that for everyone. Now I even know for sure that I wasn't. But to me, when I lived in Twelve Oaks, life seemed truly wonderful. And I was a part of that life. I was one with her. And now she's gone, and I have no place in my new life, and I'm afraid. Now I know that I didn't see life before, but only the play of shadows. I avoided everything that wasn't ghostly—I avoided circumstances and people who were too alive, too real. I was angry when they invaded my life. I've tried to avoid you too, Scarlett. You were full of life, you were too real, and I cowardly preferred shadows and dreams.

" and... and... Melly?"

"Melanie is the most tender of my dreams, she was always present in my dreams. And if there hadn't been a war, I would have lived in the happy solitude of Twelve Oaks, watching life flow by, but not participating in it. But then the war started, and a real, authentic life came crashing down on me. "

He was silent for a while.

"I'm sorry, Scarlett, for everything I've said here. You can't understand me because you don't know fear.

You can't understand me because you don't know fear. You have the heart of a lion, you are completely devoid of imagination, and I envy you. You are not afraid of facing reality, and you will not run away from it like I do.

"Run away!"

It seemed that of all the things he said, that was the only word she understood. So Ashley, like her, is tired of fighting and wants to run. She almost suffocated.

"Oh, Ashley,— she blurted out, —how wrong you are! I want to run too. I'm tired of all this too!"

"Yes, let's run away — let's leave them all! I'm tired of bending my back on others. Someone will take care of them. When people can't take care of themselves, there's always someone who takes care of them. Oh, Ashley, let's run away, let's run away together — you and me. We could go to Mexico— the Mexican army needs officers, and we could be so happy there. I'll work for you, Ashley. I'll move mountains for you. Deep down, you know yourself that you don't love Melanie.…"

His face showed fright, and amazement, he wanted to say something, but she did not let him open his mouth, pouring a stream of words on him. — You told me yourself that day — do you remember that day? — that you love me more! And I know that you haven't changed since then! I can see that they haven't changed! Just now you said that she is like a dream for you, like a dream… Oh, Ashley, let's go! I could make you so happy. After all, Melanie," she added with cruel frankness, "Melanie can't do it anymore."… Dr. Fontaine said she would never have children again, and I could give birth to you…

He squeezed her shoulders so tightly that it hurt her and she gasped and fell silent.

"We must forget that day at Twelve Oaks.

" Do you really think that I can forget him?! Have you forgotten him? Can you honestly say that you don't love me?"

He took a deep breath and said quickly,

"Yes, I can." I don't love you.

" That's a lie."

"Even if it's a lie," Ashley said in a dead—even, calm voice, "we're not going to discuss it. — You mean to say…

" Do you really think that I could leave Melanie and our child to their fate, even if I hated them? Could you break Melanie's heart? Leave them both at the mercy of their friends? Scarlett, what are you doing, Are you crazy? Don't you have any decency? You couldn't leave your father and the girls either. You have an obligation to take care of them, as I have an obligation to take care of Melanie and Bo, and tired or not, you have obligations and you have to fulfill them."

" I could leave my father and the girls... I'm tired of them... I'm tired of them…"

He bent over her, and with a sinking heart, she thought that he was going to hug her, hold her close. But he just patted her on the shoulder and spoke as if addressing an offended child.:

" I know that you are tired and tired of everything. That's why you say that. You're pulling a cart that three men can't handle."

That's why you say that. You're pulling a cart that three men can't handle. But I will help you... I won't always be so worthless…

"There's only one way you can help me," she said gloomily, "get me out of here, and let's start a new life somewhere else, where maybe we'll have better luck." After all, there's nothing keeping us here.

"Nothing," he repeated evenly, —nothing but honor."

She looked at him with deep tenderness and seemed to see for the first time how golden, the color of ripe rye, his eyelashes were, how proudly his head sat on his bare neck, what nobility and dignity his slender figure was filled with, despite the rags in which he was dressed. Their gazes met—there was an undisguised plea in her eyes, while his eyes, like mountain lakes under a gray sky, reflected nothing.

And looking into those empty eyes, she realized that her desperate dreams, her insane desires had failed.

Disappointment and fatigue did their job: Scarlett buried her face in her hands and began to cry. Ashley had never seen her cry like that before in his life. He had never thought that strong women like Scarlett were capable of crying at all, and a wave of tenderness and remorse flooded him. He took an impulsive step towards her and a minute later he was holding her in his arms, gently cradling her, pressing her black head to his chest.

"Dear! — He whispered. — My brave girl… No need! You shouldn't cry!"

He felt her change at his touch, the slender body he held in his arms flamed, bewitching; the green eyes turned to him lit up, shone. And suddenly the gloomy winter was gone. Spring was reborn in Ashley's heart—almost forgotten, filled with the scent of flowers, all green rustles, and muffled sounds—a thoughtless idle spring and carefree days when the desires of youth possessed him. The hard years that had fallen to his lot during this time seemed to have never happened — he saw Scarlett's red lips very close and bent down and kissed her.

When he finally released her, Scarlett felt her knees buckle and had to grab onto the fence. She looked up at him, filled with love and the consciousness of her victory.

" After all, you love me! You love me! Say it, say it! He was still holding her by the shoulders, and she felt his hands tremble and loved him even more for it.

She clung to him fervently again, but he pulled away, and his gaze was no longer detached — there was struggle and despair in it.

"no need! — He said. -no need! Stop it, or I'll take you right here, now."

She only smiled back, thoughtlessly, greedily: it didn't matter when or where, it mattered that he kissed her, kissed her.

The next moment, she realized that he was hugging her again and his lips were falling on her. She was delirious. Ashley, her Ashley was finally hers, just hers. He continued to kiss her, his hands went down to the neckline of her dress and began to undo the top buttons.

Scarlett expected to be caught up in a whirlwind of emotions, that something would happen to her that they had once read about with girls from school in romance novels. How many nights they spent by candlelight, reading love scenes to holes. But there was nothing like that. It was exciting, but nothing more. And suddenly she remembered Rhett's kiss that night. His hands, possessively and possessively embracing her, his lips sliding over hers, leaving a wet trail on her neck. In just a few minutes, he had made her crave him, his touch, and give herself to him right there on the road.

But she didn't feel anything like that here and now. Ashley's kisses did not ignite the passion she had hoped for. His hand, which had unbuttoned the bodice of her dress, squeezed her breasts. But Scarlett didn't feel like giving herself to him. All she felt was disgust, a cold, sticky feeling of disgust that rose in waves in her from his touching. And when she felt Ashley lifting her skirt, she recoiled.

They stood looking at each other, breathing heavily. She didn't know what to say, she couldn't sort out her feelings and emotions. She had been dreaming about this for so long. I've wanted Ashley for so long, and when it happened, she seemed petrified.

"Scarlett, forgive me...I shouldn't have," Ashley began to justify himself. "I'll pick up Mellie and Bo tomorrow and we'll go North..."

"This is out of the question Ashley" She wouldn't let one stupid act ruin everything. "You are not going anywhere, I will not let you wander in a foreign land, just because..."

She stopped and sighed as she buttoned her dress.

"We will never remember what happened today again. It never happened..."

Ashley stood looking at her in fright. At that moment, he seemed so pathetic and insignificant to her.

"Of course, Scarlett..." was all he could say.

She turned around and walked quietly towards the house. She had a lot to think about.

She didn't sleep again that night, Scarlett knew she needed to get some rest, tomorrow would be a long day, but sleep wouldn't come to her. She barely touched her already meager dinner and went upstairs to her room immediately after the plates were cleared from the table.

She was lying in a cold bed and thinking about where she could get the money. The only obvious way out was to go to Atlanta, she didn't know what she was going to do there yet, but she had no other options. Ashley couldn't help her.

Ashley… She remembered that scene in the garden again. She felt ashamed, not because of Melanie, although she probably should have, she almost seduced her husband. No, she was ashamed of herself. She regarded her action as a weakness. But even more, she couldn't sort out her feelings. She loved Ashley, so why didn't his hugs and kisses bring her pleasure? Now it seemed to her that she was kissing a cold fish and not her lover. It was different with Rhett. Rhett Butler, she thought of him again, and of that damned night.

Why did one kiss from him cause her so much excitement and desire? He was a cad and a scoundrel, he was not worthy even to remember him. and yet she remembered. Damn you, Rhett Butler... you're the one who ruined everything.

And with that thought, she finally fell asleep.