Alfred wasn't back by lunch time so Matthew sat on the couch and made himself comfortable as he turned on the TV. After that eventful morning, he wanted nothing more than to see what the media had to say about the murders. All the bodies had to have been discovered by now and with matching signatures, the frenzy would be unbelievable.

He watched with anticipation as the presenter spoke, moving from mundane topic to topic. From the weather to traffic conditions. Tensions rose inside Matthew as the program was reaching its end but there was nothing covered about the Trail Killer leaving him empty with disappointment. That was impossible. His activities last night should've made headlines. Matthew changed the channel to another news station and started digging through forums on his phone.

There was a lot of chatter and confusion because while the bodies had been discovered, no one seemed to know any details. If anything, all the discussion was just curiosity and fear as people wondered if each individual crime scene was the Trail Killer. It seemed that the police were keeping things under wraps. Maybe they just needed to actually confirm it was the Trail Killer? Matthew hadn't left identifying markings before so he supposed it was reasonable enough the police were being secretive. Right now, they might assume it was the work of someone else entirely.

But Matthew knew it was only a matter of time before confirmation came out. He'd just have to be patient. He couldn't wait to see the hell that broke loose when everyone knew.

It was the middle of the afternoon and Matthew was still home alone. Usually, he preferred that but he wished he knew what was going on on Alfred's end. He was restless and bored and he wanted to know how the events he set up had panned out, but all he could do was wait.

He let his thoughts wander as he paced around the house, eventually making his way to the bathroom. Being home alone, he didn't bother locking the door as he sat himself on the counter and leaned against the mirror. One hand pulled his legs in while the other flicked his blade, open and closed, open and closed.

He was never without the blade. He always felt a stark absence when he was without it. It was now a part of him, an extension. It was a tool for the new identity he had crafted and he didn't know who he was without it.

And now he's come to realise he didn't know who he was with it either.

Matthew was annoyed that he had come across Antonio at all last night. Why couldn't he just have killed Antonio and moved on? Because now, everything Antonio had said was echoing through his head, heart and soul.

Matthew flicked the blade out and with a sigh made eye contact with his reflection. He tapped the blade on the glass, unable to stab slice or cut what was on the other side.

It wasn't a question of 'who' because he didn't know who he was. He knew that reflection was 'him', Matthew understood that was what he looked like but it didn't really make him feel like 'him'. That was just his body and everything everyone saw him for. They saw him for his surface and nothing that lurked underneath.

Before all of this, he knew who he wanted to be. Shamefully, he had wanted to be just like his brother. He wanted to be his brother because being Alfred came with everything Matthew never had. He knew what he wanted from who he wanted to be. He knew it would get him unconditional love, attention and belonging.

He thought there had to be something wrong with him because he wasn't like his brother and didn't get what his brother got.

He thinks about who he was meant to be. He detested the thought that he was meant to be who he was before all of this, and therefore meant to be unloved, forgotten and used. Because of a lifetime of neglect and rejection, Matthew found that he resented who he 'naturally' was. That facade that controlled him, suffocated him... He didn't want to be who he was before, but the more he thought about it the more he realised that he never had a fucking choice. Life had chosen for him and being that was him, who he was 'meant' to be. And apparently, he was just 'meant' to be some lonely loser who was never destined to belong.

Was that how Antonio felt? Like he was meant to suffer? He must because that was the only thing that made sense to Matthew because Antonio had everything and all the help he could ever want and he still chose otherwise. But Matthew knew how hard it was when you've only ever been defined by a facade.

Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if Matthew could have still gotten what he wanted from who he was meant to be. But the facade allowed others to use him. He was meant to be kind at the expense of his own boundaries. He was meant to be quiet because no one listened. He was meant to be giving to the point he had nothing left to give. Caring but never cared for. Helpful but never helped. Used.

The word 'meant' had lost all meaning and didn't even feel like a word now. Seriously, say it out loud. Is it really an English word?

Through a lifetime of painful dismissal, Matthew realised that no one respected those traits despite expecting him to embody them. They wanted him to be that way, to be 'weak' because it benefited them. And because it benefited them, Matthew threw himself into acting that way because he had been trying so hard for approval... Was that really him? Was he those things? Was it really all 'Matthew' was?

That's what 'Matthew' was. And now that's what Matthew isn't. Matthew didn't know who he was now. Or if he was anyone at all. Because right now he just felt like he only existed in his mind, a place separate from reality where all his thoughts were scrambled.

It's a good thing that Matthew grew resentful of others and not himself, otherwise it might have been him on that bridge preparing to jump. He felt evil for blaming others but he knew it was where the blame belonged. Because Matthew had tried so damn hard and he knew it wasn't his fault. He only felt evil because, for the longest time, he was made to believe he was being 'nice' by suffering. Anything short of that and he wasn't being 'nice' anymore. And he was Matthew! And Matthew was nice.

Antonio's facade might not be so inflated if he was naturally kind to the point that he wouldn't blame others for his problems. Matthew could only assume that Antonio's blame wasn't misplaced because he caused his own distress. Didn't Antonio know he had more support than Matthew could ever dream of? Genuine friends that would drop everything to make him feel better?

Matthew couldn't find resentment towards Antonio but he didn't want to see him again. It wasn't like Antonio knew they were so alike, both slaves to the expectations of others... only Matthew was able to stop caring and he was saved.

But he supposed he did care, didn't he? Because the opposite of caring was indifference and just thinking about it had him digging his nails into his palm as his muscles twitched with grief-

He'd have to take his anger out again tonight.

It was almost dinner time when Alfred came back and Matthew was surprised to hear talking. At first, he thought someone was with him and Matthew was prepared to eavesdrop but then he realised Alfred was on the phone. But then Alfred hung up as he put a case on the kitchen counter and sighed. He looked like he hadn't slept for days as he rubbed his eyes and Matthew waited for Alfred to spot him.

But when his brother just stared blankly at his phone Matthew made sure to catch his attention before he locked himself in his room again.

"So did everything turn out alright?"

Matthew could only guess what Alfred had been up to all day because he seriously doubted Alfred would fill him in and tell him about his day like any other brother.

"Hmm, what?" Alfred blinked.

"How's Antonio? What happened?"

"Oh, yeah, Antonio's fine, he just had some drunk adventure last night and so he decided to come here instead of go home. He's safe now, so..."

Matthew knew he had to say something to keep the conversation going, but luckily Alfred did.

"Look, about last night... I probably should've told you that I told all my friends they're welcome here anytime... Antonio's just a sad drunk so he came here, y'know? I'm sorry if that scared you that someone broke in. I don't know what you would've been thinking. I bet it didn't look good though haha."

"Yeah, it wasn't what I was expecting to see this morning." It didn't seem he'd be able to get anything more from his brother so Matthew looked at the case Alfred brought with him. "What's that?"

Alfred's eyes darted between Matthew and the case, almost conflicted before a sheepish look came on his face.

"Okay, I totally forgot to run this by you but I've been thinking for a while that I should probably get a gun."

"What?" Matthew's hands felt numb. He couldn't pinpoint why. Many things went through his head like, a gun?! How was that necessary?! It seemed like an escalation. Matthew didn't want Alfred to have a gun because he really didn't need it. And if Alfred had been thinking about it for so long why didn't he tell Matthew?

Alfred didn't pick up on any of Matthew's anxiety as he continued to talk cheerily.

"Yeah, cool right? Now you can rest easy at night, alright? If it comes down to it, I'll be a hero for both of us. I know I go on and on about 'murder bad' but it's okay if it's self-defense and not because I'm a psycho. Now I actually hope a killer breaks in so I can make one less killer in the world."

Did... If Alfred had been thinking about this for a while, did bringing Antonio home last night and staging it as a break-in finally tip Alfred over the edge to make his decision? Matthew really shouldn't have done that. Now Alfred probably felt justified worrying about future break-ins. But if that was the case shouldn't his brother get tighter security for the house instead of bringing home a lethal weapon?

Alfred took it out to show him. He flicked the case open with a fluid motion and pulled out a handgun, and yep, it was indeed a gun before putting it back in the case.

"Um," Alfred seemed unsure. "So, how have you been?"

Matthew kept his confusion at bay and the change of subject. Everything felt so surreal and he felt like he was falling behind the conversation.

"Fine, I'm always fine."

Alfred snorted before schooling his face.

"Sorry, but what a mood. Anyway, I mean, how have you been going?"

Matthew just shrugged and Alfred sighed.

"So... if you've having any bad or extreme sorts of feelings, just know I wouldn't blame you. We've- Everyone's gone through so much and you've lost Arthur too. Plus I know you knew Francis so... I'm sorry if it feels like I haven't been here for you. I kinda feel like I've been a shit brother because I don't really know how you're coping. It just seems that you're doing fine, but that's how you always come off so I really don't know."

Matthew let a moment of silence pass and Alfred just looked at him expectantly.

"Of course I'm sad about it," Matthew said as he was obligated to. "But it's nothing I can't handle, eh?"

Even if Matthew was falling apart, he didn't know if he could actually talk to Alfred about it. But would it take for him to fall apart for Alfred to do something about it? Alfred would be obligated to care, wouldn't he? And then when the obligation went away Matthew would be all alone yet again. Alfred would be distracted by something else and Matthew would once again be a shadow in his own home.

Alfred had a look of suspicion on his face before sighing and nodding.

"Okay, I'll keep checking in though."

Then he followed it up with a pat on Matthew's shoulder. Matthew froze up when his brother moved and tried not to let it show how weird it was. Alfred didn't seem to pick up on it though, already reaching for the case, experimenting with its weight before a thought came to him-

"Hey Mattie, I invited Ivan over for a bit, is that alright with you?"

Why was Alfred asking if it was okay if Ivan was already coming? But Matthew supposed his brother already knew his answer. Why would 'Matthew' ever say no?

"Yeah, I don't mind," Matthew said pleasantly. "But I thought you didn't want to talk to him?"

"Well, I've toughened up and I really think I should tell him, plus I have a gun now so if something goes wrong..." The last part was a joke, but Alfred's laugh sounded weak. "Yeah, I'm a bit nervous but I'm not going to shoot him. I don't think I could even kill someone I hate."

Alfred put the gun in his room and Matthew watched him tuck it under his bed.

"What made you change your mind?" Matthew said from the doorway.

"Well, maybe doing something about it might make him feel better. Might make a lot of people feel better," Alfred mumbled before running a hand through his hair and shaking his head. "Okay, never mind. I should probably tell you now. I'm gonna start going back out at night."

What?! Was his brother stupid? Matthew thought he'd given up after finding two bodies and getting in trouble with the law? Was his brother really going to risk rolling the dice again and getting in worse trouble than last time?

Alfred was still talking.

"Just sleeping while people are dying makes me feel like shit so I can't just do nothing! Especially when I can do something. I really doubt I'll get murdered if I'm careful and seriously, that bastard asshole works by surprising people on their own so I'll be fine if I'm with others. So don't worry about me Mattie but just promise you won't try and stop me."

Great, he needs to find out all he can about what Alfred's planning.

"I didn't try to stop you before," Matthew forced himself to say. "Just keep me updated about what you do out there or I might get worried..."

"Thanks, you're the best bro," Alfred said and hit him on the shoulder. The gesture felt more awkward to Matthew. "Also, can you stay in your room when Ivan gets here? Pretty please? I'm gonna be talking about some sensitive stuff... plus he might get angry so..."

Matthew just nodded. He'd just eavesdrop again.

Matthew didn't see when Ivan came in, he was already in his room. But he heard and crept to the door.

"You want to talk," Ivan said, his tone guarded and on edge. "About my sister and the Trail Killer."

The name 'Trail Killer' wasn't said with the malice Matthew expected. But instead, almost gleefully, like Ivan couldn't wait to talk about the serial killer more.

"Yeah, I thought it would be better to do in person. At least the Government can't track our texts now!"

Alfred awkwardly laughed and Matthew didn't hear if Ivan reacted.

"Anyway, want a drink or something? Cus I think this chat could be a bit... confrontational? Heavy? You're not gonna like it."

"Then get to the point," Ivan demanded.

"I um, was kinda... fuck, I feel really nervous just blurting it out. I found Natalya."

"You found her?"

"Yep, I was kinda hunting the Trail Killer and... yeah, I don't know how to explain. I know you think I'm stupid for it because it wasn't like I could do anything. But yeah, I... I also found Lovino when he got..."

Alfred cleared his throat, his voice sounded painful.

"I found Natalya too. I was too late both times. I don't know what telling you would do but please believe me when I say that I'm so so sorry I couldn't... I didn't, I don't know, I just-"

Alfred was frustrated.

"I was playing vigilante, okay? And so that's why I was such a shitty friend at the funeral and I really wish I could help you feel better and that everyone could feel better because this fucking bastard's been ruining everyone's lives and I have to make it stop right? And I know you'd feel the same. The two of us are kinda the same and we both just have to do something about it, right?"

"Why are you so... nervous wreck?"

"Cus I don't know how to put it nicely and you could get really upset about it."

"I am already upset. Why didn't you tell me you found her?"

"Well how the fuck would it help? It couldn't change that- I just happened to come across her and man, I was so fucked up when I realised who she was. I couldn't even call the cops right away because I couldn't stop crying. I just- I'm telling you now because I don't wanna keep things from you when I want us to work together because we hate the same asshole, right?"

"Hate is such a tame word," Ivan said, mock trivially. "I will accept you not telling me, because it would not have changed a thing."

"Okay, I'm going to assume we're cool then. Because what I really to say is, what if we both went out there? If we both went hunting for the Trail Killer and saving who we could?"

"Like vigilante?"

"Yeah, I don't know, I don't wanna shit on the cops and say they're not doing enough... but extra people out there couldn't hurt, right? We could just keep an eye for suspicious activity and watch people who could be targets? I don't know, we'll have to figure out a game plan but whatdoya think?"

There was a pause as if Ivan was thinking about it.

"I like this idea, I cannot just sit still while others are killed... while the Killer is still out there," Ivan said this like it was an opportunity. "Natalya would want me to spit on face of killer."

"She totally would," Alfred said quietly. "I've already got told off by Ludwig after... well, I found her. I guess it was because I was carrying a baseball bat around but that was kinda dumb of me. Ludwig said 'don't go out again, leave this to the police' so yeah, we're not meant to be doing this-"

"So we just don't get caught," Ivan said gleefully.

"Exactly," Alfred responded. "Anyway, I have a gun now and I can hide that in my pocket. Plus Gil's on board so he can keep a tab on where Ludwig and other cops are so we can just cover the areas where they aren't."

"Gilbert?" Ivan said in a measured voice.

"Yeah I know you guys have had your differences and all, but he lost Francis so he's 100% on board. Y'know? The enemy of my enemy type shit? It means more numbers. And I've got Antonio on board. He lost Francis too and I think he could really use... I don't know how to put it beside bluntly, something to live for, y'know? Plus if there's more of us then we won't get targeted. The killer is a fucking coward and has always gone for someone alone."

Matthew bit his lip as he listened to all this unfold. His brother going out again was one thing, but tracking so many people?

"Currently, I am living for bashing in this killer's skull with a metal pipe," Ivan said, too cheerfully.

"Sheesh, dude, I don't blame you for feeling that way, but we should definitely try to keep the asshole alive so they can get arrested by the police and everything. Because y'know... others. Others would want to see justice and I personally think that the Killer would get the easy way out if they just die and don't actually rot in prison, y'know?"

"I will mangle but not kill."

"Sounds good," Alfred laughed with bitter support.

"No one hates this coward Killer more than me."

"Bet," Alfred challenged.

"So, who else is becoming vigilante?"

Matthew held his breath and shifted closer to the door.

"I did think about asking Feliciano but... no. He'd probably get scared wandering around at night even if he was with us. And... I think he's better off not thinking about the Trail Killer. Um, we're friends so I'm just gonna say it but I want to help you but I'm in over my head so I don't know how but maybe... I think you should talk to Feli. Cus Feli lost Lovino so he knows what it's like to lose a sibling..."

Matthew expected Ivan to be against that idea but instead of a rebuttal he only heard silence.

"Yeah, anyway, the vigilantes so far is just me, Gilbert, Antonio and you. I really think that doing something would be a great way to direct your anger. It made me feel better when I started looking."

"Believe me, it is big dream of mine to take out my anger on such evil. I won't even need to go with group, I can protect myself. This Killer is weak and cannot take me."

"I don't want you to underestimate the killer but yeah, I can't really picture you dying. Seriously, you'll probably make the killer shit himself."

"He will when pipe crashes into his guts."

Matthew cringed. That would not be happening. Ivan knew nothing about what he was getting himself into and Matthew knew everything. If Matthew was like Alfred, he'd think about challenging Ivan, toying with him and making him question himself. But Matthew didn't get this far without caution, despite how entertaining the idea was.

"We're talking like we'll definitely find him," Alfred laughed. "Just be prepared for the chance that we don't find him. Because it's pretty unlikely."

"I will take chance. Taking chance is better than staying home."

"Yeah, that's what I think. So I'm thinking that because we're such a big group our alibi could just be something like we were having a night out, nothing actually suspicious if we were travelling by ourselves so we shouldn't actually get in trouble. But that also means we can't go out every night, because if Ludwig gets suspicious then he'd definitely stop us. For good. So I'll make a group chat and we can organise when we go out and stuff."

Thank goodness they weren't planning on going out every night or Matthew wouldn't be able to breathe. He would just have to go out on days that Alfred and the group didn't. Hopefully, it would be easy enough to find out since he lives with Alfred.

"I will go out every night."

"I'm definitely not gonna stop you dude, in fact, I might join you. We can just keep it secret from the others."

Matthew's face fell and he couldn't even say he was surprised.

The two of them started organising. Alfred suggested he'd split his previous routes with Ivan so they wouldn't actually be travelling together. Fantastic. Matthew could track Alfred, but he couldn't track Ivan. If they weren't travelling together then he wouldn't actually know where Ivan was and only have a vague idea of where he was patrolling. Which would be anywhere that Alfred wasn't. Matthew didn't like this.