Reasons to Hope, Reasons to Live

Chapter: One

Keys:

Dream and flashbacks

"Common language"

'Elvish language'

[Translations]

/Thoughts/

Legolas followed Aragorn's eyes with his and was shocked to see a red velvet cloak lying on the ground.

"No," Legolas whispered.

"He died in my arms, Legolas," Aragorn said softly "When I reached him, it was too late. I'm sorry. "

"No," Legolas repeated, louder this time. Not paying attention to what Aragorn was saying, "NO!" he shouted in despair.

He ran towards his lover's dead body and knelt beside it, followed by Aragorn.

"Haldir!" he called his lover, tears falling freely down his cheeks. "Please answer me….Haldir, please!" he begged.

"Legolas," Aragorn placed a comforting hand on the elf's shoulder. "Haldir is gone."

"NO…HALDIR, ANSWER ME!!!"

Prince Legolas startled from his sleep, terrified. His breath was fast and shallow, and cold sweat trickled down his forehead. He threw his head backwards and breathed deeply, closing his eyes in attempt to regain his composure. The very same nightmare had been haunting him ever since the death of his lover. Images of Haldir flashed in front of him. Knowing that he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, Legolas rose from his bed and walked towards the balcony.

The cool breeze of the early morning greeted him with its soft caress. Legolas inhaled the fresh air, listening to the awaking life around him.

Everything was cheerful, happy that the evil was finally destroyed and peace had returned to Middle-Earth three months ago. Everything was back to normal. Everything had turned out as it was expected to.

The hobbits had returned to the Shire, but visited Rivendell from time to time. Gimli had returned to Moria to try to restore the Dwarven city. Aragorn had claimed his birthright as the rightful King of Gondor and was working his hardest to restore Gondor's glory as it was before its fall. He and Lady Arwen didn't marry, though. Neither of them had given their friends and family any explanation. They just shrugged indifferently when anyone asked about their reasons. Shortly after that, Lady Arwen left Middle-Earth accompanied by Lord Erestor and some of Rivendell's elves.

As for him; after returning to Mirkwood, Legolas had continued to perform his duties as the Prince of Mirkwood and the messenger of his Ada.

However, after the death of his lover, Legolas felt so empty and alone. Nothing seemed to be able to please his heart and fill it with the joy and happiness he had once felt. He had crawled into a shell full of solitude, preferring to spend the day in his private chambers when he was not needed. His carefree, joyful nature changed overnight into a manner full of indifference and contempt.

Everyone tried to comfort him for his loss, but all their attempts were in vain. The pain was so strong that it had killed every desire in his soul to enjoy the beauty of life around him.

Not even his Ada or his elder brothers managed to pull him out of his shell. He was crumbling away slowly; soon nothing would matter. Eventually, they ceased their attempts to cheer him up. Even though they knew very well that this would only lead to one thing…his death.

Legolas knew that grief was slowly eating away at his heart, but he didn't care. His heart was already dead. It died the moment his eyes landed on his lover's motionless body. It surprised him that he didn't pass away on the day of Haldir's death. He sincerely thought that he wouldn't be able to hang on this long after the war. But he managed, much to his disappointment. Many times, his caring and worried Ada and two brothers suggested he set sail for the west and ease his pain in the Undying Lands. But he couldn't. There was something in his heart that tied him to these lands. Maybe it was the fact that Haldir's body was buried here; or maybe it was the hope that he would be freed and would journey to Mandos' halls and be reborn …

Legolas sighed deeply. He was genuinely happy that his family still cared for him and wished him happiness; but after Haldir's death, everything that gave him happiness was taken from him. He couldn't feel happy. He didn't want to be happy.

If it was up to him, he wished for nothing more than to join his beloved in Mandos' Halls. Why was that so difficult?!!!

A tear slid down his pale cheek and Legolas wiped it quickly away.

Sighing, he re-entered his room. He felt bile rise up his throat, the uneasiness of his thoughts made his stomach lurch. He rushed towards the bathroom and leaned over a bucket, throwing up everything in his stomach.

Legolas heaved in exhaustion. These unexplained waves of nausea have been attacking him for weeks now. Legolas wondered if his grief was starting to affect his health, weakening his immune system.

Light knocks on the wooden door of his chambers brought Legolas back to reality. Pulling on a robe over his nightshirt, he walked out the bathroom and opened the door.

'What do you want?' he asked the servant who was standing behind the door, not bothering to hide his annoyance.

The scared servant gulped nervously at the cold glare that she received from her prince.

'Your highness,' her tone was inaudible but Legolas managed to hear what she said. 'His majesty and their highnesses are expecting you to join them for breakfast.'

'Tell them I'll be there soon.' With that, he slammed the door in her face.

Legolas heaved a sigh of despair again.

/Why can't they just leave me alone? / h wondered. /All I want is to be left alone. No one understands my pain, so why bother pretending that they do? / This annoyed Legolas to no ends.

However, Legolas knew that he couldn't avoid encountering his Ada and brothers again. They would try to drag him into numerous conversations and activities to pull him out of his shell.

/This is the disadvantage of being the youngest of three sons!/ He snorted.

It wasn't that he wasn't grateful for his Ada's and brothers' care but he simply he didn't see the use of it since he had lost all hope of being happy once more.

Legolas glanced at his reflection in the mirror and frowned. He was paler than usual, his usually bright blue eyes were dull and clouded, and there were also black lines underneath them. He glanced at the rest of his body and deepened his frown. He had lost so much weight in the past three months. Come to think of it, he hadn't been eating properly and his eating patterns where all jumbled up. The waves of nausea he had been experiencing hadn't helped. His Ada was definitely going to give him another lecture on health today. With a deep sigh, Legolas went to prepare for breakfast.

King Thranduil frowned at the sight of his youngest son entering the dinning hall. Legolas was far too pale and thin for his liking. The King sighed; if only he could bring the cheerful, life-loving Legolas back once more. Nothing seemed to manage to capture his son's interest any longer.

'Good morning, Ada. Brothers.' King Thranduil winced at Legolas' emotionless voice.

'Good morning, my son,' he greeted back. 'How are you doing today?'

'I'm fine,' Legolas replied automatically, sitting in his place next to his brother, Mallorn [Golden-tree].

'I can see that you are not, baby brother,' his oldest brother, Aredhel [Noble-elf], pointed out.

Legolas glared at his brother, his eyes glinting dangerously.

'Don't call me baby brother again,' he said, his words laced with uncontrolled anger. 'When I say I'm fine, I am fine.'

The three elves raised their eyebrows in shock; it was uncharacteristic for the gentle Legolas to talk so coldly, let alone threaten someone older than him.

'But it didn't bother you before to be called baby brother, Greenleaf,' Mallorn said.

'It does now,' Legolas replied sharply. 'I'm three thousands year-old…I'm not baby anymore. I can take care of myself.'

King Thranduil decided to interfere. 'No one said you couldn't, Legolas. You're brothers are only concerned about you, as is everyone else.'

'I said I'm fine, Ada.' Legolas calmed a little. 'I don't need anyone to fuss over me like….' His sentence was cut off, as he felt nauseated again. Covering his mouth, he bolted out the dinning hall to his private chambers.

'What happened to him?' Mallorn asked in confusion.

'I'm not sure.' King Thranduil frowned. 'I'll go and see what's wrong.' He stood and walked outside the hall, followed by his two sons.

Legolas felt his tears threatening to fall as he leaned down, heaving hard. His stomach was empty but he was still nauseated.

'Why can't I just die?' he gasped bitterly. 'I want to die. I want to leave this meaningless life…I miss you, Haldir.'

Legolas wiped the tear that fell down his cheek and stood up. He washed his face and went out to see that his Ada and brothers were waiting for him.

'How do you feel now, my son?' King Thranduil asked; concern was apparent in his voice.

'I'm fine, Ada,' Legolas whispered, not trusting his voice at the moment.

'What was that, Legolas?' Mallorn asked. 'What's the matter?'

'It's nothing.' Legolas shrugged. 'I'm fine.'

'Are you certain there's nothing you want to talk about, Legolas?' King Thranduil asked, eyeing his son strangely.

'It's nothing; Ada.' Legolas shook his head, feeling a little bit dizzy 'I'm totally…'

Legolas suddenly felt as if the whole world was spinning around him and he fell to the ground, unconscious.

'LEGOLAS!' The three elves rushed to him.

'Aredhel, go and fetch a healer!' King Thranduil ordered as he gently lifted his unconscious son off the ground and laid him on the bed.

Mallorn watched his Ada wiping sweat from his brother's forehead. He bit his lip at the very thought of his brother dying. Legolas was the youngest among them; it wasn't fair for him to suffer that way.

'Is it grief, Ada?' he asked worriedly.

King Thranduil shook his head. 'I'm not sure, my son.'

'But Ada, Legolas was retching…elves do not get ill, let alone being nauseous.'

'That's right, my son,' King Thranduil murmured softly. 'That's right.' He frowned as he thought deeply about his son's condition.

Legolas blinked several times, his vision slowly clearing. He looked around the room and found his Ada standing by the balcony, staring outside.

'Ada,' he whispered.

King Thranduil turned around and walked towards the bed.

'How do you feel now?' he asked; there was a strange look in his eyes and it sent shivers down Legolas' spine.

'I feel tired, Ada,' Legolas admitted, sighing. 'Both inside and outside.'

King Thranduil sighed deeply. His stern gaze softened at his son's confession; it was unusual for his proud son to admit weariness, even if his life depended on it.

'Legolas, we have to talk,' the elven King said as he sat on a chair beside the bed. 'You have to open your heart to me, my son. Just tell me everything in your heart, as any son should tell his Ada.'

Legolas nodded and moved up to a sitting position. 'Anything you wish, Ada.'

'Tell me, Legolas,' King Thranduil asked carefully. 'Have you been seeing someone after your return from your quest?'

Legolas widened his eyes, staring at his Ada in disbelief.

'Seeing someone?' he whispered confusedly.

The King nodded.

'No, Ada,' Legolas answered, lowering his gaze in grief. 'I haven't seen anyone since…' He bit his lower lip, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall. 'Since my return,' he said after a momentary pause.

King Thranduil took another deep breath, his worst fears confirmed 'Then it was Haldir!' he whispered more to himself than to Legolas.

Legolas looked up at his Ada in confusion; what did Haldir have to do with this conversation? Where was this going?

'Haldir? What are you talking about? What did Haldir do?' he asked, pain obvious in his tone.

The King sighed, thinking how to best inform Legolas of his current situation so as to avoid causing the young elf more pain. The moment he opened his mouth to speak, Aredhel and Mallorn burst into the room, shock and disbelief expression written all over their faces.

'We talked to the healer,' Aredhel said, eyeing Legolas strangely. 'And he said that Legolas is…' his voice trailed off.

The King nodded. 'Yes, my son. What the healer said is true!'

Legolas felt his anger rising; they were talking about him as if he wasn't here.

'In case you've forgotten,' he said in annoyance. 'I'm still here in the room, and I want to know what is happening to me.'

The King looked at him for a moment and then took a deep breath. 'Legolas, you are pregnant!'

'I'M WHAT?' Legolas snapped. He looked at his Ada as if he had grown an extra head.

'I said you are pregnant,' King Thranduil quietly, as if he was talking about the weather. 'As in carrying a child inside you.'

'Impossible. I'm a male, Ada. I can't carry a child. I can't be pregnant!' Legolas argued. 'It can't happen, can it?' he asked uncertainly, seeing that his Ada, unlike his two brothers, was not surprise at his supposed pregnancy.

King Thranduil nodded. 'Yes, it can, my son,' he said, moving from his place and walking to the window. 'I was hoping that what I'm going to say would remain unsaid. But I believe that you are old enough to know the secret that our kin have kept for so long.'

'What secret, Ada?' Aredhel asked, not sure if he would like the answer.

'You know that females were created with the necessary organs to bear children…this rule is applied in every race in Middle-Earth, including our Kin, the Sindarin elves.' The three brothers nodded in agreement. 'However, there are some exceptions considering our kin,' the King continued, looking out the window 'Sindarin and Silvan males, my dear sons, are cable of carrying children like females.'

The three brothers gasped in shock.

'But Ada, how?' Mallorn asked.

'You see, Mallorn.' The King turned towards his son, 'Our males possess the needed organs to bear children as females do. They are fertile.'

'You mean I have a womb!' Legolas placed his hand on his stomach in disbelief.

The King nodded. 'Actually all Sindarin and Silvan males have; that includes me, your brothers and every male-elf in Mirkwood.'

Aredhel and Mallorn looked at each other with an uneasy look, also putting their hands on their stomachs.

'Does anyone else know about this, Ada?' Mallorn asked finally.

The King sighed. 'Well, in Mirkwood elder-elves usually don't inform their children about this little fact unless it needs to be revealed. As for the other elven realms, no one knows except Elrond, Glorfindel, Gandalf and the Lord and Lady of the Golden Woods.'

'If this was characteristic of our kin, then how come no one outside Mirkwood knows about it, Ada?' Aredhel asked.

'Having a mate from the same gender is rare, even among elves. However, when it happens, the two mates would usually both be from Mirkwood, so there would be no need for secrecy. And even if one was from outside Mirkwood, they usually swore not to reveal this secret… because it was decided long ago that this fact must kept hidden for the ancients feared that this could lead to dangerous consequences.'

'Why we weren't told about this before, Ada?' Mallorn asked.

The King Thranduil sighed. 'I didn't see the need to inform you about this, seeing that you prefer females. And even when Legolas told me about Haldir… he was too young to understand. However, I had warned him not to give himself to his lover without an official marriage; however, I can see that he has disobeyed me,' he said with apparent annoyance.

'Then Haldir is the child's sire,' Aredhel said as-a-matter-of-fact.

The King nodded, eyeing his youngest son, who was lost in deep thought.

The elder King took a deep breath and addressed his son. 'Legolas!'

The said elf looked up at his Ada 'Yes, Ada?'

'You are aware that you disobeyed me when you gave yourself to Haldir without an official marriage, aren't you?'

'Yes, Ada.' Legolas nodded quietly. 'Though I must say that I don't regret it. I loved Haldir with all my heart… and I still do.' He looked at his Ada with teary eyes. 'Ada, Haldir was the only one my heart wanted… he was my only love. We were bonded as one.'

'My boy,' the King sighed. 'There are things that cannot be done just to satisfy a desire or passion. It's not wise to run after our feelings all the time. You are a noble elf-a prince of a great kingdom…you should know this. However, what happened happened…there is no way we can change the past. But, what has been broken must be repaired.'

'What do you mean?' Legolas whispered.

'Legolas, the child you're carrying cannot be born,' the King said firmly.

'What?' Legolas looked at his Ada in horror, one hand covering his belly protectively.

'You must abort the child, Legolas.'

'NO!' Legolas cried, getting up from his bed and standing in front of his Ada. 'I won't let anyone kill Haldir's child.'

'Legolas!' the King said in a warning tone. 'This child was conceived out of marriage bond; if Haldir was alive, I'm sure that he would take responsibility for his actions and marry you. But Haldir is dead…and the news of this pregnancy would taint the honor of our family name.'

Seeing the pain that flushed in his son's blue eyes, the elder-elf regretted his words; but it was too late to back off now. Besides, it would do no good for the royal family if the news of Legolas' pregnancy without marriage spread.

Legolas stared at his Ada silently. He couldn't believe that such hurtful words could come from the mouth of his beloved Ada. His Ada wanted to kill Haldir's child!

The only thing he had left of his beloved!

The only thing that symbolized their love!

The only thing that is connected to his lover by blood!

/NO,/ Legolas' mind screamed. /NO ONE WILL TOUCH HALDIR'S BABY…NO ONE WILL TAKE HIS ONLY MEMORY FROM ME…NO!/

'No.' Legolas looked at his Ada, directly into his eyes. 'You will not kill my child!'

'Legolas!' the King said firmly

'I said no,' Legolas yelled. 'No one will touch my child. Haldir and I were bonded by love. I would never deny that and I'll protect his child with everything I have, even if it means my life.' With that, the young prince bolted out of the room.

'Aredhel, Mallorn, after him!' the King shouted in despair. The two elves nodded and ran after their fleeing brother. King Thranduil took a deep breath, resting his head between his hands.

He should be happy to hear that he's going to be a grandfather soon, not to mention that the child will be Legolas'! His favorite little son.

But, this pregnancy might cost the family and the kingdom their reputation.

He could not allow that to happen.

The King prayed to the Valar that he was doing the right thing. He knew that if anything happened to his youngest son because of this, he would never forgive himself.

His sons' footsteps brought him back to reality. He looked up and saw Aredhel and Mallorn standing in front of him.

'Well, where is he?' The King asked.

Aredhel shook his head. 'I'm sorry, Ada. We couldn't catch up with him. He has taken his horse, Laure, and rode outside the palace grounds.'

'By the Valar!' The King sighed. 'Aredhel and Mallorn, I want you to go and bring your brother back home. I will not forgive myself if anything happens to him. '

'Ada, can't you let Legolas have this child?' Mallorn asked. 'Haldir's death was a great shock to Legolas. He was his first love; having a child from Haldir would be great consolation for him. A reason for him to go on and enjoy life.'

'I wish I could, Mallorn,' the King said, sorrowfully. 'I know that this child would be the light that brightens up his life again, but I can't allow it. Not only for the sake of our family name, it's also for our safety in Middle-Earth. If Haldir was alive; if only Haldir was alive, things would be different. Go with Aredhel, Mallorn. Go find your brother and bring him back. He won't be able to take care of himself in his current condition.'

'What will happen after we return him, Ada?' Mallorn asked. 'You won't force him to abort the baby, will you?'

'I don't know, Mallorn.' Thranduil sighed. 'I just don't know.'

'We better be going now,' Aredhel said, motioning to Mallorn. 'It would be easier to locate him before he reaches the woods.'

Mallorn nodded solemnly and followed his brother outside, leaving the King alone.

Legolas rode quickly through the great woods of Mirkwood. He rode for hours, determined to pass the borders as soon as possible. He knew that his Ada would send his brothers after him, hoping that in his present condition, they could bring him back easily.

But this was not going to happen, he vowed. He wasn't going to let anyone harm his child, no matter what their reasons were. No one was going to kill Haldir's child.

But where would he go?

Legolas frowned at that. He couldn't possibly live in the wild with a child growing inside of him. He had to find a place to settle down. A place where it would be comfortable and where he could get proper health care until his child's arrival; and, most importantly, a place where he could be safe, away from his Ada.

The first place one could think of was Lothlorien. The golden woods were well protected with Lady Galadriel's magic. And the Elven Lady would be more than happy to help him.

But, Legolas knew very well that he could not go there again. Not only would the memories of his dead lover haunt him, but also his lover's brothers, Orophin and Rûmil.

Ever since he met the Marchwarden, Haldir's two brothers had developed a strong hatred for him; or strong lust. He knew very well that desired him and were jealous of their eldest brother, who had gained his affection.

So going to the golden woods and facing Haldir's brothers wasn't an option. Only the Valar knew what the two Lothlórien brothers would do to him and his child, even if it was their brother's… even with Lady Galadriel's protection, he and his child wouldn't be completely safe.

Then where could he go?

He couldn't go to Gondor or Rohan either. Even if their Kings were his friends, he couldn't go there in his present condition and reveal Mirkwood's secret. That left him with only one option….Imladris.

Yes, he would go to Imladris; Elrond and Glorfindel would help him. They already knew about Mirkwood's secret, so they won't be shocked. And he was certain that they would help him convince his Ada to let him keep his child. Besides, Elrond was a healer, and knew how to properly take care of pregnant males.

Yes, Imladris was the perfect place…

And so Legolas urged his horse to go faster, heading towards Imladris…

To be continued…