This story was originally two chapters but I've combined them into one longer chapter this time. It takes place between seasons 18 and 19. The kids don't exist in this story.
I wasn't going to post another story until later in the week, but I accidentally posted this on Archive Our Own (I was trying to draft it, not post it, lol), so I figured I would post it here too, instead of waiting. Hope you enjoy!
Amanda Rollins is burning up, every single inch of skin from her head to her toes becoming hotter by the second until it feels like her entire body is on the verge of bursting into flames. She slumps heavily over the sink in the bathroom, freezing cold water running over the hand that is lying limply inside the porcelain bowl and momentarily forgetting that she had come in here to splash the water across her face instead of just letting it run down the drain.
The long work day has thankfully come to an end and Amanda had quickly ducked into the bathroom before starting her journey home, afraid of passing out on the way back to her apartment if she didn't try to cool down first. They have just wrapped up a very complicated case that has taken weeks to reach its conclusion and she has been trying to hide the fact that her illness has become more pronounced with each passing day, after coming down with some sort of nasty flu or virus the previous weekend. Despite not wanting to pass her sickness onto anyone else, Amanda has been determined not to miss any work during this crucial case and risk leaving her team short-staffed, resolutely pushing through the past several hours while trying to ignore her ever-growing misery.
Now that the case is finally done and they are finished for the day, whatever is ailing her seems to be hitting at full force, transforming Amanda from her usual calm and collected persona into a quivering mess of overheated limbs and barely-contained emotions. She is sweating profusely in her dressy work attire, the moisture matting her long blonde hair to her head and her white blouse to her skin in distinct wet patches that are not leaving much to the imagination. Her blue eyes are bloodshot and unfocused when she raises a heavy head just enough to catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror, shuddering in revulsion at the sickly reflection staring back at her before letting her head hang down in exhausted despair once again.
Amanda is startled when she suddenly feels a strong pair of arms sliding around her waist from behind and gently hoisting her back up to her full height, realizing that she hadn't even heard the bathroom door open or noticed another presence joining her in the small space. She is momentarily taken aback when she whirls around and almost loses her balance while catching a peek of the person who is holding her up, the harsh florescent lighting beaming down in a bright white halo onto lush brunette hair and illuminating large dark eyes that are shimmering with concern, briefly convinced that the beautiful creature standing before her is actually an angel instead of her boss.
"Uh, hey, Liv," Amanda mutters in greeting, feeling a flood of embarrassment and confusion at this bizarre mistake and wondering just how high her fever actually is, Olivia momentarily resembling some kind of ethereal being instead of her stern and no-nonsense lieutenant.
"Amanda, I've noticed that you haven't been feeling well today but why didn't you tell me how sick you were?" Olivia chastises softly, and she is surprised to hear no malice or condescension whatsoever in the older woman's voice, her tone radiating only extreme worry and alarm.
"I'm fine," Amanda murmurs unconvincingly, catching the slight roll of her boss' eyes in response to the obvious lie.
"You are not fine," Olivia says firmly, and she feels the other woman's grip tighten around her waist before pulling away temporarily, one hand clutching onto Amanda's arm to keep her steady while she shrugs awkwardly out of the pinstriped blazer she is wearing, revealing a silky green blouse underneath. "You're shaking like crazy and you're sweating right through your clothes. Let's get this on you and then you're coming to my office with me and waiting while I finish up my paperwork. I should only be about twenty more minutes and then I'll take you home."
Amanda's heart melts with gratitude at this unexpected show of kindness as Olivia gently tucks the blazer around her shoulders to hide the shirt that has now become nearly see-through with sweat. The outline of her bra is quite visible beneath the light-colored material that is clinging to her moist skin, and she feels overcome with a rush of warmth toward her boss that has nothing to do with the raging fever.
Amanda can't help but lean gratefully into the older woman's sturdy frame as Olivia slowly leads her from the bathroom like she is a toddler just learning how to walk for the first time, her legs trembling and uncoordinated. The adrenaline that has gotten her through the work day is suddenly leaving her body in a giant rush that threatens to have her collapsing into an ungraceful heap onto the floor.
"Just hold on, honey, we're almost there," she hears Olivia murmur into her ear, and Amanda is horrified to find herself on the verge of tears in reaction to this tender statement, bowing her head to let a golden curtain of hair hide the crumpled expression on her face.
She swallows against the lump that has taken up residence inside her throat as Olivia gets her settled on the couch in her office with a bottle of water and two Tylenol, locking the door and closing the blinds to allow for some privacy, before producing a checkered blanket and tucking it around Amanda's shuddering body. She fights the urge to slump forward into the other woman's chest, realizing the need to get ahold of herself and rein in this uncharacteristic behavior before she does something inappropriate enough to have Olivia snarling at her in reply and kicking her out of the office, Amanda cursing this high fever that has her thinking and acting in ways she would rather not.
As she watches the brunette working at her desk, Olivia's fingers flying over the keyboard and a thoughtful frown fixed on her lovely features as she stares intently at the computer screen in front of her, those stubborn tears are pricking at Amanda's eyelids once again. She huddles further into the blanket despite the extreme heat that has overtaken her small form, determined to suppress two closely-guarded secrets that are threatening to make themselves known in an emotional confession.
The first secret is something that she has gradually become aware of over the time she has spent working at The Special Victims Unit; conscious of the fact that at some point during the course of the past several years, the admiration and respect that she has always had for Olivia has given way to something much deeper and more ingrained, a certain intense feeling that she is too frightened to name blooming inside and only growing stronger by the day. The other secret is something that brings Amanda quite a bit of shame when she allows herself to think too hard about it, grudgingly acknowledging that the independent and confident personality traits that she takes so much pride in tend to completely disappear like they have never even existed when she gets sick, transforming her into someone she doesn't even recognize; one who is needy and clingy and desperate to be held.
Amanda firmly believes that these somewhat pathetic qualities stem from a childhood that was mostly absent of the normal care and concern and love that one would expect from their parents, the responsibility usually falling on her tiny shoulders when it came to getting through any sort of illness that involved her or her younger sister, Kim. As she had gotten older and lacked any kind of long-term, stable relationships as an adult, she has found that being sick induces an acute sense of sadness and loneliness, the isolation that Amanda lives with in her personal life never more apparent than when she is curled up on the couch in her apartment with only her dog for company.
The thought of Olivia dropping her off at home to spend the rest of the night with just Frannie, while she feels so physically wretched and emotionally needy, is enough to induce another bout of impending tears that swim in Amanda's eyes and have her blinking rapidly once again to keep them from falling. Her secrets seem to be merging together to create a messy mix of thoughts and feelings that are verging on an embarrassing eruption, and all she wants is for the woman sitting across the room to climb onto the couch and curl up under the blanket beside her, Amanda finding it extremely disconcerting that she is about to start crying due to her need for attention.
A low whimper escapes her lips before she can stop it and Amanda claps both hands over her mouth in dismay as if this action will be able to take back the noise that has just emitted from her throat, her eyes widening in trepidation when she sees Olivia's head snap up in response and the older woman's sharp gaze zero right in on her.
"Amanda, what's wrong?" Olivia asks in concern, standing up from her desk and hurrying over to the couch to squat down on the floor in front of her, one hand squeezing Amanda's knee beneath the blanket and the other coming to rest comfortingly on her shoulder. "Are you feeling worse? I'm so sorry, I should have taken you home first and then come back here to finish up my work. Come on, let's go, we can leave right now."
Amanda is flooded with a sudden overwhelming panic at being left in her apartment to fend for herself for the night, even though she has had more than enough experience with this scenario, and another unintentional whimper works itself loose from between dry and cracked lips as Olivia begins trying to help her stand up, frowning at her in return.
"Oh, sweetheart, what's the matter?" the brunette inquires softly, pausing in her movements to lift Amanda to her feet and raising a hand to stroke through blonde strands of hair that are damp and disheveled, fingertips scratching softly across her scalp. "Amanda, you are soaking wet! Oh my god, look at you." Olivia has gently pulled the blanket and each side of the blazer away from her trembling body to reveal the white blouse absolutely drenched in sweat, the cotton material now entirely soaked through and completely stuck to her overheated skin.
"I don't feel well, Liv," Amanda moans as the room spins around her in a dizzying array of colors and sounds, her eyes squeezing shut in an effort to block everything out and resisting the urge to clamp her hands over her ears as the loud noises from her fellow officers in the squad room trickle into the office.
"I would say that's the understatement of the year," Olivia corrects quietly, both hands now cupping Amanda's moist face and her thumbs rubbing lightly across prominent cheekbones. "You look like you've never felt worse. I have a T-shirt in my desk drawer that I was going to wear to the gym tonight. You can get changed into that and then I'll take you home, okay?"
Amanda nods miserably, trying desperately to keep her tears at bay as the older woman stands up to rummage around in her desk and produces a large red T-shirt a moment later, deciding not to put a voice to those uneasy thoughts that won't stop tormenting her. All she wants is to stay here with the woman who makes her feel safe and cared for, aware that the feelings she has for her lieutenant are not what a subordinate should be feeling, and ashamed that she can't bear to spend the night in her lonely and silent apartment, cuddling with Frannie on the couch while wishing she was wrapped up in Olivia's arms instead.
"Do you need some help, honey?"
Amanda jumps in response to the soft voice that is suddenly right next to her ear, realizing that Olivia is crouched down on the floor in front of her again as she meets her concerned gaze, those beautiful brown orbs boring straight into her own tired blue pair, shivering when she sees the depth of emotion there. She tries to tell herself that Olivia is just worried for her very sick detective and nothing more, Amanda beginning to think that this fever is playing tricks on her mind and convincing her that there is something much deeper hiding within that intense gaze.
She shakes her head in reply as fumbling fingers scrabble with the buttons on her blouse, determined to do this by herself and resolute in not needing her boss to help her get changed, but Amanda's movements are slow and clumsy and her fingers just refuse to cooperate no matter how hard she tries. She feels her hands being pushed gently away and shivers again when Olivia's fingers replace her own, Amanda reluctantly granting her permission before the brunette carefully unfastens the buttons and slides the garment over Amanda's shaking shoulders, along with the borrowed blazer that has likely been sweated profusely upon.
A quick glance down at her chest confirms that she has soaked right through her white bra as well, and her personal attributes are pretty much on display now, a dark blush creeping across her pale cheeks when Olivia delicately asks if she needs help removing that too. Amanda nods in answer, feeling overwhelmed with the situation as Olivia drapes the blanket over her shoulders to give her some sense of privacy before reaching around the inside of the cover to unclasp the back of her bra, the other woman's fingers feeling smooth and cool against her burning hot skin as she begins to slide the undergarment down her arms.
Olivia's body is so close to her own that all Amanda has to do is lean forward the slightest amount and her head will be resting on the brunette's shoulder, fighting the urge to just give in and beg for the comfort that she is so desperately craving. The older woman smells so good, a faint whiff of strawberries emanating from her hair and skin, and Amanda wants to bury her face into Olivia's neck and inhale the intoxicating scent, her quivering body on the verge of collapsing as her wet bra is tenderly removed and set aside before Olivia reaches for the T-shirt she had placed nearby.
A tiny sob escapes from Amanda's mouth before she can hold it back and her shoulders hunch up to ears as Olivia pauses in her movements to stare intently at her, afraid that the woman she has so much admiration for will think she is being needy and immature. "Amanda, it's okay, sweetheart. I know you feel really sick right now, but I'm here with you and you're not alone. I'm going to take care of you."
Amanda dissolves into tears at this gentle proclamation, heartbreakingly aware that although the brunette is just trying to be kind, it actually couldn't be further from the truth; that she will be more alone than ever when Olivia drops her off at home and then leaves. She covers her face with her hands as the sobs come pouring out of her along with great, gulping gasps of air, the tears streaking down her face to mingle in with the sweat from her fever, and her cheeks are quickly as drenched as her clothing is.
"Oh, Amanda, what can I do for you?" Olivia asks softly, the other woman's hands gripping her arms firmly and her head ducking down to meet Amanda's watery gaze. "Tell me what I can do to help make you feel better."
The words seem to have taken on a life of their own and are leaving Amanda's lips before she can even attempt to put a stop to them, much like the whimpers and the sobs had; her shameful and embarrassing plea barely audible over the force of her own cries. "I want you to hold me."
Olivia complies right away as her arms close around Amanda's violently shuddering form without hesitation and she collapses against the taller woman in relief and despair, the silky cool material of her blouse coming into soothing contact with her feverishly hot skin. Despite Amanda's lack of dress, Olivia is clutching her back just as hard as she herself is grasping onto the brunette, and she realizes that Olivia is maneuvering them so that they are both sitting on the couch now, Amanda folded tenderly into her body and wrapped up in her secure embrace.
Despite the fever that is raging steadily within her, Amanda knows that she needs to move; that she is cuddled up against her superior without a shirt or bra on, bawling her eyes out on her shoulder while she sweats profusely onto the other woman's classy work outfit and grips onto her like she intends on never letting go. She is also aware that even though the blinds are closed and the door is locked, someone could still knock at any time, needing the lieutenant's attention, and that this situation is not as private as it might appear. Olivia seems to know that Amanda is incapable of moving at the moment; that although she has every intention of doing so, she just can't seem to get her shaking limbs to cooperate enough to reach out and put the T-shirt on, and the older woman pulls the blanket more securely over her body to shield Amanda's nudity, murmuring into her ear that she will help her finish changing whenever she is ready.
"Liv, you're going to get sick," Amanda mumbles regretfully when it dawns on her what is occurring right now; that she is snuggled up with her boss on the couch and is sobbing and sweating and breathing all over her, and should probably be pulling away before the germs that are invading her own body have the opportunity to transfer over to Olivia's.
"I'm not going to get sick," the other woman replies softly, a hint of guilt apparent in her tone, and Amanda feels a gentle kiss being pressed to the top of her head. "I think you caught this from me, actually. I was sick last week and trying my best to hide it, just like you've been doing."
"So you gave me this fever?" Amanda mutters in an accusing tone, suddenly feeling quite disgruntled with the situation but not enough to pull away. "It's your fault that I feel like I'm about to die?"
She hears a quiet chuckle before feeling another soft kiss land on the crown of her head. "I'm so sorry about that. It's been hard for any of us to miss work while this case has been going on. We've just had to drag ourselves through it, haven't we?"
"Yes, we have. It's been a pretty tough week," Amanda admits in a low tone, giving a rough sniffle as her tears begin to ebb and realizing that she is still molded right into her superior's body while naked from the waist up, her anxiety spiking again. "I should get dressed and head home, though. I don't want to get fired."
"Why would you get fired?" Olivia murmurs curiously in response and Amanda can't help the watery laugh that bursts out of her, despite feeling like she is at death's door.
"Well, gee, I don't know," she snickers in a combination of embarrassment and exhaustion, still unable to tear herself away from the other woman's embrace. "Do you want me to list the ways? Hugging you without a shirt on has to be right up near the top of the list."
A low rumbling laugh reverberates through Olivia's body and into her own as the brunette's arms tighten around her in a soothingly protective manner, as if assuring Amanda that she has nothing to worry about. "What's at the top of the list, then?"
"Huh?" Amanda replies in confusion, her brows furrowing at this question.
"You said hugging me without a shirt on was right near the top of the list, so what's at the very top?" Olivia asks curiously and Amanda is replying once again without giving it a second thought, cursing this damn fever for not letting her keep anything to herself as all her secrets are steadily revealed one right after the other.
"My feelings for you."
There is complete and utter silence for a moment as it registers with an intense amount of alarm and an all-consuming panic what Amanda has just slipped out with, and her entire body goes rigid against Olivia's, sweating even more profusely now as the tears threaten to start up yet again. She begins to struggle in her boss' embrace while thrusting a hand out to grasp ahold of the T-shirt that is resting just out of reach of her fumbling fingers, trying desperately to escape what has suddenly become a very confining position while heartfelt apologies fall repeatedly from her lips.
"Amanda, calm down, it's okay," Olivia assures her mildly as she plucks the garment from the cushion and hands it to her, Amanda's head bowed in shame now, unable to even look the other woman in the eye as she continues to repeat how sorry she is, rambling on about what a high fever she has and how it's the fault of whatever illness is plaguing her and she wouldn't be saying this otherwise.
"Amanda, it's okay," Olivia replies much more firmly this time, and she feels her lieutenant grasp onto her chin and gently tilt her head up so their gazes are boring intently into each other. "You're going to get dressed and then I'm going to take you home and stay with you until you feel better." There is a slight pause and Amanda watches as a small smile tugs at the corners of Olivia's lips. "And when this fever goes away and you're thinking more clearly again, we can talk about your feelings for me."
Amanda stares at the older woman in sheer amazement, so many emotions swirling around inside her brain that she is overwhelmed with all of the strong sensations, but what she feels the most is a kind of relief and happiness that she has never experienced before. Finally having someone to take care of her while she is sick, not being alone in her apartment with only her dog for company, and the fact that Olivia is not pulling away from her in disgust or threatening to have her fired now that Amanda has finally confessed her feelings, has left her reeling in shock.
When Olivia leans down to place her lips right beside to Amanda's ear to speak her next words in a loving tone, the other woman's arms tightening around her quivering body like she is never going to let go, there is an immense amount of joy that suddenly cuts right through the misery of her high fever and the intense loneliness that has been plaguing her, Amanda smiling radiantly back at Olivia.
"And we can talk about my feelings for you, too."
"Liv, are we almost there?"
The first voice is gasping, the breathing shallow, body language and tone disoriented, like the speaker has just run a marathon and it is taking every single ounce of effort just to get the words out.
"Yup, only a couple of more steps."
The responding voice is calm and level, radiating a certain amount of soothing security, although the breathing is slightly more labored than usual due to a different kind of effort.
"I'm really tired."
"I know, honey. You can do it, though. Come on."
Olivia is practically carrying the quivering form that is shuffling along next to her and gasps in alarm as her subordinate's knees suddenly buckle beneath her weak body and she is collapsing toward the floor without warning. Her arms are instantly full of a sweating and shaking blonde detective as Amanda comes extremely close to hitting the hard tiles in the hallway inside her apartment building, Olivia instantly springing into action. She hauls the smaller woman up into her strong embrace, despite already being loaded down with everything she had brought to work that day, including all of Amanda's things, hooking one arm underneath her knees and wrapping the other around her back.
Olivia wobbles unsteadily on her feet for one panic-stricken moment, terrified that she is going to drop her precious cargo on the floor, before shifting Amanda in her arms so she is cradled against her chest like an oversized baby, grunting under her breath as she fumbles with the detective's keys while trying to unlock the door. The sounds coming from the other side of the wall are immediate and explosive, excited yips bursting right through the heavy wood of the door and the thumping of paws hitting the tiles, the scratching and clicking of pit bull toenails making themselves heard over Amanda's sickly moans.
"Livvv, I don't feel welllll." The simple sentence is drawn out rather dramatically, the detective's head lolling limply on Olivia's shoulder, and she lets out a muttered string of curse words when Amanda shifts without warning in her embrace and almost slips from her precarious grasp once again.
"Honey, keep still while I try to get the door open," she chastises gently, holding Amanda in a tighter grip against the front of her body and wincing when Frannie lets out an ear-piercing bark from inside the apartment.
"Liv, aren't we moving a little too quickly here?" Amanda mumbles in fevered confusion as she gazes up at Olivia with hazy blue eyes. "You're already carrying me over the threshold only an hour after we admitted to having feelings for each other?"
Olivia lets out a snort of laughter as she successfully fits the key into the lock and manages to maneuver the door open around the wriggling body of her colleague's pet who is greeting them ecstatically in the entryway. She eases her way as carefully as possible into the apartment and tries to keep the dog from leaping onto Amanda in her flurry of joy at being reunited with her owner after the long workday.
Despite how ill Amanda currently is with the high fever that Olivia herself had been afflicted with the week before, she is proving to be quite amusing in her sickly state; much more goofy with her words and open with her feelings than she usually is. There is an undercurrent of loneliness and despair that Olivia can sense lurking beneath some of the more comical conversations they have shared since leaving the precinct for the day, and the awareness that all is not well with her detective is pulling at her heartstrings and causing her to hold the other woman more securely against her chest as they make their way clumsily into the living room.
Amanda is wrapped up tightly around her body and refuses to let go when Olivia tries to deposit her gently onto the couch, the younger woman murmuring in protest at the possibility of being left alone in her fragile state, and she feels her stomach twisting sharply with guilt. She finally decides to flop down somewhat awkwardly onto the cushions with her subordinate sprawled across her lap, Frannie leaping right up beside them to place a seemingly concerned paw on Amanda's knee, and everything they had brought to work that day spills onto the floor as Olivia loses her grip. Amanda's eyes have drifted closed in exhaustion, a hand resting on top of her beloved pet's head and a finger crooked through one of the belt loops on Olivia's dress pants, as if attempting to hold her in place so she won't try to escape, and Olivia can feel the feverish heat rolling off her in waves.
They are quiet for a few moments, both women trying to catch their breath after making the arduous journey from the precinct to Amanda's home, Olivia immediately abandoning the rest of her paperwork when it had become obvious just how sick her colleague was. The uncharacteristic display of tears and clinginess, combined with the other woman sweating right through her clothing and necessitating a change into the gym shirt, had resulted in her exit from the station earlier than she had intended.
Olivia has put her massive workload out of her mind for the time being, as Amanda needs to be her number one priority right now and she can't let herself become distracted by anything else. She has been aware of the younger woman's descent into the depths of the nasty virus that has been going around the precinct lately, although Amanda has held up very well throughout the majority of the week, hardly showing any sign of being ill while they had brought closure to the complicated case that has dragged on for the past few weeks. But everything seems to be crashing down around her now, as if the end of the workday has signaled a sickly and emotional meltdown, and Olivia steels herself for whatever is to come.
She hears a soft sigh sound from beneath her chin, where a warm blonde head is tucked, and she leans back slightly against the cushions to get a better look at the glassy blue eyes that are staring at her.
"Hi, Liv," Amanda whispers with a crooked smile when their gazes meet, her normally pale cheeks flushed bright pink with fever.
"Hi, Amanda," Olivia replies with a hint of amusement, waiting expectantly for her to continue speaking and then arching a questioning eyebrow when nothing more is forthcoming, Amanda just continuing to peek up at her with those unfocused cobalt orbs.
She feels a rush of tenderness for the detective, who is blinking at her with an apparent mix of bewilderment and adoration, swimming in the borrowed red T-shirt that is too big for Olivia herself, golden hair askew and a lopsided grin on her face. She is relieved to see the current smile instead of the tears from earlier, but is again reminded that there is a certain sadness lurking beneath the silliness, Amanda appearing so tiny and lost when they had been ensconced in her office after Olivia had found her collapsed against the sink in the precinct bathroom.
She continues to cradle Amanda on her lap, as her colleague seems to so desperately need the comfort, evidenced by the fact that she has lain her head down on Olivia's shoulder again, squirming in her lap to get more comfortable and closing her eyes like she is settling in for the night. The prior embarrassment that Amanda had been exhibiting in her office seems to have disappeared entirely, at least for the time being, as the need for comfort has won out over the extreme humiliation she had been displaying earlier, and Olivia gathers the shivering form more closely to her chest.
Frannie is standing up on the couch now and is pacing back and forth quite ungracefully, her paws sinking deep into the cushions and the movements threatening to send her careening onto the floor, a neglected whine emitting from her throat and her ears standing straight up. Olivia realizes that the dog is trying to fit herself onto the tiny leftover portion of her thighs that aren't being covered by Amanda's trembling body, and a moment later she has a lapful of both her subordinate and her subordinate's dog, Frannie doing her best to squeeze into the minuscule space that is left, and the three of them suddenly entwined into a giant knot on the couch.
"Ugh, hey, Frannie," Olivia grunts as the canine swipes a wet tongue across one cheek and then the other, finding it somewhat hard to breathe with both dog and detective pressed so heavily against her chest. "What's she doing, Amanda?"
"She's jealous that you're holding me," the younger woman explains in a weary tone, wrapping an arm around her pet to bring Frannie in closer. "She likes being held."
"Hmm, so the pet seems to take after the owner," Olivia observes with a light chuckle, brushing a soothing hand through the damp hair that is splayed out across her shoulder and planting a quick kiss on the crown of the golden head.
Amanda blushes profusely at this comment and Olivia can see some of the prior embarrassment seeping back into her expression and can feel it in the sudden tenseness of the small body cuddled up on her lap. She is about to apologize for making Amanda feel uncomfortable with the situation, when the younger woman graces her with another tremulous smile and gives Olivia's ribs a slight squeeze.
"Thank you for bringing me home and taking care of me, Liv." The detective's voice is soft and fatigued when she speaks, her foggy eyes fixed on Olivia's again, a trace of apprehension now evident in her tone. "You don't have to stay, though. I know you're really busy and must have other things that you need to be doing."
"Amanda, there is no place I would rather be," Olivia assures her sincerely, wanting to assuage that fear of abandonment as she strokes a tender hand over a prominent cheekbone that is boiling hot to the touch, the feelings that she has been trying to push down for as long as she can remember rising to the surface once more as she takes in the other woman's vulnerable and disheveled appearance.
She thinks back to Amanda's surprising confession in her office and can't help but wonder if the disclosure had been feverishly induced or not. The detective's present actions seem to suggest that it wasn't, however; the younger woman coiled so tightly around Olivia's body that it is getting progressively harder to draw in a deep breath, Frannie's furry head now resting in the crook of her shoulder as well. Amanda's actions may also be a product of her illness but Olivia is sure that she has seen signs here and there over the past several years since her colleague's arrival from Atlanta that indicate her own feelings are definitely not one-sided.
She had felt an immediate attraction to the smaller woman the moment she had first laid eyes on her in the squad room back in 2011, but the timing had been terrible with the recent departure of Elliot and trying to settle in with two new detectives. Over the ensuing years, those feelings had been buried beneath a mountain of work and personal heartache as Olivia had been through some of the worst events of her life, along with being occupied by climbing the professional ladder within the Special Victims Unit. They had never entirely gone away, though; continuing to simmer just below the surface and rear their head from time to time, Olivia always pushing the feelings back down and thinking it inappropriate to be dating a subordinate, especially after rising to the prestigious rank of Lieutenant.
As she holds Amanda so carefully in her arms now, it is becoming quite apparent just how much those feelings have evolved over the years, from a simple crush to something so deep that Olivia isn't quite ready to put a name to it just yet. She is overcome with a fierce wave of protectiveness as she begins to rock Amanda slowly on her lap after the younger woman lets out a low moan of misery, wanting to shield her from both the physical and emotional strain that she is under but knowing there is not much she can do to take this fever away; an illness that Olivia herself has likely passed onto her.
The trip from the precinct to Amanda's apartment had been quite the strenuous process as they had been forced to leave the younger woman's car there overnight and take Olivia's vehicle, Amanda in no shape to be driving and Olivia practically having to lift her in and out of the car and carry her inside the building once they had arrived. The Tylenol she had taken in Olivia's office doesn't seem to be doing a great job of reducing her fever, as Amanda has become hotter to the touch, growing heavier against her body and mumbling incoherently under her breath, Olivia beginning to wonder if they should be seeking some medical attention at this point.
She shifts Amanda gently in her embrace so she can get another look at her flushed and trembling form, and the small detective seems to misinterpret Olivia's actions, the death grip she has around her body tightening to a painful degree. "I thought you said you weren't leaving me," Amanda whines, a hint of tears apparent in her voice again.
"I'm not leaving you, honey," Olivia assures her softly, placing a tender hand on a forehead that is both damp and burning, her eyebrows creasing with concern at the heat radiating off the younger woman. "I think we might need to take you to the doctor, though. I'm worried about how high your fever is."
"Nooo," Amanda whimpers in panic, the suffocating grip she has around Olivia's body loosening somewhat as she gazes up at her up at her with big blue eyes that are swimming with unshed tears. "I hate going to the doctor, Liv. Please don't make me go. I just want to stay right here with you and Frannie."
"Amanda, if we don't go to the doctor then we need to try to get you cooled down, okay?" Olivia replies, the gentleness of her voice giving way to a firmer tone as she feels the sweat soaking through the borrowed T-shirt and her next suggestion causing a heatwave of her own to wash over her body. "How about taking a cool bath? And I can bring you something cold to drink while you're in the tub, so you can stay hydrated."
"First you carry me over the threshold and now you want to give me a bath?" Amanda is staring at her with a wrinkled brow, both embarrassment and interest evident in her expression. "Liv, we really are moving too quickly here. It wasn't enough that I was half naked in your office a little while ago? Now you want me fully naked?"
A sputtering laugh bursts from Olivia's throat as she gazes back at the younger woman with an affectionate smile and strokes a hand over the unruly blonde hair that is falling into her eyes. "It's just a suggestion to bring your fever down, Amanda. I'm not trying to make a move on you. I can wait outside the door while you take a bath, if that's what you would prefer. But I just don't want to be too far away, in case you need any help."
"So you don't want to take a bath with me?" The mumbled words seem to be out of Amanda's mouth before she can stop them, and another stunned laugh emits from Olivia's lips as she leans away from the other woman to fix her with an incredulous expression, an eyebrow arching high on her forehead.
"Okay, now who's moving too quickly?" she chuckles in amusement, trying to push down the images that have suddenly sprung to mind of curling up with the small detective in a bubble bath after a long day at work, and she is aware of the deep blush spreading across her own cheeks now. "You're giving me some mixed signals here, Amanda."
"Sorry, Liv," Amanda whispers with a hint of a smile, a matching blush covering her face as she quickly averts her gaze. "I don't know what I'm saying. My thoughts are all jumbled up inside my brain. I feel like I can't think or talk properly."
"Well, we're going to do our best to fix that, okay?" Olivia assures her gently as she takes Amanda's chin in her hand and turns her head so they are looking at one another again, those intense feelings making themselves very clear once more as their gazes lock intently. "We really need to bring that fever down and if the bath and medication don't get the job done, I'm going to have to take you to the doctor, alright?"
Olivia is alarmed when the tears that have been hovering in the younger woman's eyes suddenly spill over and come streaming down her face as Amanda muffles a sob with one hand, her heart aching as she wraps her back up into her tight embrace and rests her cheek against a bent blonde head. "Hey, hey, what's the matter?" she murmurs quietly, trying not to show her anxiety with the situation and how much it's hurting her to see Amanda in such distress. "I know you said that you hated going to the doctor, but I don't think we really have much of a choice if we can't bring your fever down, sweetheart."
"It's not that," Amanda mutters under her breath, and Olivia's stomach clenches with worry as she feels hot tears soaking into the collar of her blouse.
"Then what is it, honey?" she asks softly, trying in vain to get Amanda to look at her again, but the other woman's head remaining steadfastly tucked against her neck as she refuses to even glance at her. "You can tell me," she adds gently, when Amanda seems to be having trouble finding the right words to say.
"It's just that-" The smaller woman begins speaking and then trails off as another round of sobs overtake her, Olivia's arms tightening around the trembling form and her own tears pricking the inside of her eyelids as she witnesses Amanda's anguish, Frannie swiping a long pink tongue across her owner's face as she cries.
"It's just that I've never had anyone who actually cared enough to help me when I've been sick," Amanda continues in a voice that is low with shame and choked with tears. "I didn't really have any support as a kid and it's been the same way as an adult. No one has ever driven me home and offered to stay with me, doing everything they can to make me feel better, even offering to take me to the doctor. I'm just so used to being alone whenever I'm unwell and I hate it so much. I always wish..." There is a hesitant pause, her voice breaking when she speaks again. "I always wish I had someone to hold me."
"Oh, Amanda." A tear slips from Olivia's eye and trails down her cheek, Frannie promptly licking it away for her and nuzzling a furry face into her neck right next to Amanda's damp one, and she rocks the detective slowly in an effort to bring her some solace from the pain. "I'll hold you for as long as you need me to, okay? And you won't ever have to be alone again while you're sick, I promise you that."
"Thank you, Liv." Amanda's voice is nearly at a whisper when she answers, her arms locked firmly around the silky green blouse that Olivia had donned for work that morning, and despite how upset the smaller woman is and her intention to provide her with as much comfort as she can, Olivia is very aware of the intense amount of heat that is transferring from Amanda's body into her own, and the need to bring her fever down as soon as possible.
Their tightly-knit little group on the couch has become almost suffocating with the magnitude of warmth that Amanda is giving off, and Olivia knows that time is of the essence if they want to bring her fever down quickly and avoid going to the doctor, staggering to feet with the small woman in her arms as Frannie barks in dismay when she is unseated from her cozy spot on the cushions. "Sorry, girl, we'll be back soon," she soothes as she adjusts Amanda in her embrace and carries her down the hallway to the bathroom, the younger woman not uttering a word of protest and simply snuggling deeper against Olivia's chest.
When she sets Amanda gently on the tiled floor, the detective wobbles unsteadily on her feet for a moment before regaining her balance, Olivia resting her hands on toned upper arms and lowering her down to sit on the closed lid of the toilet, hovering there until she is sure that Amanda won't slip and fall before turning away to begin filling the tub with lukewarm water. When she whirls back around, it becomes quite clear that she won't be able to leave her alone for any part of this process, as Amanda looks like she is about to collapse to the ground again, and sets about making sure that she feels safe and secure with removing her clothing during this very early stage of whatever their relationship can now be classified as. Olivia knows they need to have an in-depth chat about things when Amanda is feeling better, but that now is definitely not the time to be delving too deeply into anything; not when the detective is staggering to her feet and holding onto Olivia for dear life as she grabs a towel to provide her with some privacy.
She tucks the fuzzy material around Amanda's shoulders and tries to figure out a way to get the T-shirt off without her having to show too much skin, when Amanda abruptly tosses the towel to the floor with a roll of her eyes and begins struggling to remove the garment herself. "Liv, you've already seen me without a shirt on. You were hugging me without a shirt on, so let's just get this done. I feel like my entire body is on fire here."
Olivia gives a chuckle of both affection and concern as Amanda seems unable to take the top off by herself, and finally has to raise a pair of shaking arms into the air so that Olivia can pull the shirt up over her head, trying her best to avert her gaze as she smooths a hand over blonde hair that is standing on end. Amanda seems to lose what little balance she has regained since Olivia had carried her into the bathroom, immediately slumping into her chest with a defeated sigh, and Olivia finds herself once again hugging her subordinate without a shirt on.
"Are you alright?" she asks softly into Amanda's ear, rubbing soothing circles across skin that feels as if it is about to burst into flames, that protective streak rearing back up and combining with those deeper feelings that refuse to be contained.
"I'm so dizzy," Amanda murmurs into her shoulder, and for a brief moment Olivia actually finds herself contemplating getting into the bathtub with the detective in order to keep her safe from any harm, but resolutely putting the thought out of her mind as she realizes that crouching down on the floor beside the tub will likely work just as well.
"We'll do this really quickly, okay?" she replies gently, feeling Amanda shiver against her as she trails tender fingers along the younger woman's spine. "Do you need help getting out of your pants?"
She hears Amanda snicker in response and Olivia rolls her eyes at the goofy mood swings brought on by the fever, lightly dislodging the smaller woman from the snug spot against her chest and making sure she is at least somewhat steady on her feet before leaning down to remove the dress pants that are pasted to her body with sweat. Amanda holds onto her shoulders as Olivia grips onto the waistband of the slacks as well as the panties beneath, sliding the garments down her legs and bending over to help Amanda step out of them, again making sure that her gaze is averted and trying to ignore that curl of heat residing low inside her belly.
The younger woman is pressing herself somewhat urgently against the front of Olivia's body again when she stands back up, and her arms close around the slender, bare form, unsure if Amanda is embarrassed and trying to hide herself from her gaze, if she is seeking comfort, or if it's something else altogether, but knowing things have to stay strictly platonic between them while Amanda is so ill and not exactly in her right mind. They stand there holding onto one another tightly for a few minutes, Amanda's face buried in the crook of Olivia's neck, and the blonde detective somehow feels even warmer without clothes on, her shivering body giving off a tidal wave of heat that is beginning to consume Olivia's own body as well.
"Are you okay?" she asks in concern, gently trying to pry the other woman away from her so that she can get a good look at her expression.
"Yeah, sorry," Amanda whispers sheepishly, the blush on her cheeks mixing in with the feverish warmth and those hazy ocean eyes gazing back at her with a mix of deep emotions. "I just really want to be close to you right now, Liv."
"I want to be close to you too," Olivia murmurs, brushing the backs of her fingers over a burning hot cheek and trying to ignore the fact that Amanda is breathtakingly stunning in the nude. "I'll be right here next to you while you're taking a bath, okay? I won't leave you alone, I promise." She peers closely at the smaller woman's face, trying to get a read on the myriad of emotions that are playing across the delicate features, wanting to be completely sure that Amanda is comfortable with this situation and deciding that she will have to sit in the hallway and leave the door open if the detective voices any objection to her boss remaining in the room while she gets cooled down in the tub.
She is relieved when Amanda nods her assent at staying in the bathroom, as she is loathe to leave the other woman on her own for any length of time while she is in such a fragile state, carefully helping her step over the side of the bathtub and get settled into a sitting position on the hard porcelain surface, her heart clenching in her chest when Amanda lets out a small whimper of protest at the temperature of the water. "Sorry, honey, it needs to be cooler so we can bring your fever down," she explains softly, dipping a washcloth into the tub and stroking it over Amanda's flushed face, unable to recall the last time she has seen anyone look quite so miserable.
They sit there in companionable silence for the next several minutes, Amanda curled up into a compact little ball of shaking limbs in the bathtub and Olivia crouched on the floor beside her, running the cloth repeatedly over the younger woman's face and neck and across her back, desperate to bring her raging fever down. Amanda's eyes have drifted closed as Olivia scoops up a handful of the water and lets it trickle lightly over her head, trying to remove some of the sweat from the blonde locks and make her feel more comfortable, pleased when she hears Amanda sigh in pleasure instead of distress, as she gets used to the temperature of the water.
The intense feelings that have continued to swirl around inside Olivia's head have only grown deeper as their evening together progresses, coming to the realization that this is the most intimate she has ever been with anyone and that it is a different kind of intimacy than sex; that despite her very strong physical attraction to the detective, this goes so much deeper than that. She wants nothing more than to keep providing the comfort and care that Amanda so desperately needs, elated that she trusts her enough to let her take care of her in such a weakened and vulnerable state. She is well aware that Amanda doesn't let her walls down very often and feels honored and privileged that her colleague is allowing her these rare glimpses into her private life, secretly hoping that they will become much more than mere glances and they will continue to grow closer.
Amanda eyes are still closed and her head is resting against the hard rim of the tub when Olivia puts the washcloth down and lays a hand lightly on her forehead, feeling an immediate wave of relief at the difference in temperature, the smaller woman much cooler to the touch than she had been just a little while ago as the medication and bath work together to bring the fever down. "Hey, honey, how're you doing?" she asks softly, trailing a fingertip over Amanda's cheek to get her attention and watching as one heavy eyelid flutters open to fix upon her.
"I'm okay, thanks," Amanda murmurs sleepily, the exhaustion and illness clearly taking its toll on her, and Olivia's breath catches in stunned and euphoric surprise at the other woman's next words that are practically inaudible as she fights to stay awake. "I really love you, Olivia, do you know that? I've always loved you."
Olivia's heart is racing wildly in her chest at this unexpected revelation, an explosion of shock and desire and reciprocity threatening to burst forth in a flurry of uncharacteristic emotion, and she desperately tries to rein herself in, knowing full well that this could just be the fever talking, as Amanda has not been in complete control of some of the things she has said over the past couple of hours. She smiles tenderly down at the small form huddled in the bathtub, running a gentle hand over Amanda's matted blonde hair and leaning over to place her lips right next to her ear.
"I can't wait until you're feeling better," she whispers in a tone that is radiating with pure joy and love, the feeling of butterfly wings beating intensely inside her stomach as a hopeful smile spreads across her face. "Because I think we have a lot more to talk about."