The Ham Scam
It started as a scam
To buy a leg of ham,
So LeBeau could make a feast
To satiate the beast,
(a German general's son),
Who was giving Klink the run-
Around about the front
In the East where he'd be punt.
If Klink didn't make him happy,
He'd complain it to his pappy.
So Newkirk, he was sent,
Out the tunnel he had went.
With ration cards in hand,
(Forged and faked, I understand),
And money from the press
(Who made it, you can guess).
The butcher he would meet,
At his shop on Adolf Street.
To get the ham they needed
To keep that German, er, feeded.
But Germany's in a jam,
And it's hard to get a ham
Or butter, or cheese, or bread
And many go unfed.
So even if the butcher had
a ham for our roguish cad,
The chances were quite low
Newkirk could take it, and so
To the butcher he'd impress
The need for such excess.
Newkirk never dropped a name,
But said their guest had lots of fame.
Their dinner guest was more
Than the average German bore.
He was a man of great renown,
Who always wore a frown,
Who would always yell and scream
And stoked the Germans' dream
That their country would be great,
And Europe they'd overtake.
None of those were lies
Because the description still applies
To lots of German brass
And not just that despotic, er… guy,
Who brought the world such pain
With his addled Hitler brain.
But I'm getting off the topic,
I'm no philosophic,
So let's get back on track-
The story I'll unpack
So the butcher was a shakin'
At the thought that his own bacon
Was on the line if he
Found himself to be ham-free.
In the back he went to look,
Hoping a ham was on the hook.
And here is where the scam,
To go and get some ham,
Got very complicated
With a butcher much irate-ed.
You see the butcher had a daughter,
And never had he taught her
That men were sometimes trouble
(For Newkirk that goes double).
When Newkirk saw this girl,
With her hair of honeyed curl,
He forgot about his mission
And made a proposition
To which the girl agreed
Not knowing what she'd freed.
In a whirl of great elation
She got an education
And she found herself quite willing
To continue with this thrilling
New adventure she'd engaged
And the romance set was staged.
The girl led Newkirk up the stairs
Above the butcher shop of theirs
She led Newkirk to her room
And to the bed (so I presume).
It took the butcher time
To find a ham sublime
Enough to serve the fuhrer
And make his life secure-er.
When he got back to the front
Newkirk gone, he made a grunt.
But then this poor chump
From above him heard a thump.
So up the stairs he went
To find out what it meant.
When he opened his daughter's door
He let out a great big roar.
The daughter, she did scream
And Newkirk, he did deem
That it was time to scram,
So even without the ham
And without a stitch of thread
(His clothes were strewn out on the bed),
He flew out of the window
(How he landed, I have no info).
He made it back to camp,
Our wily English scamp,
As naked as a jaybird.
The wrath that he incurred,
From the colonel and LeBeau
Made for quite a show.
From the others he did draw
A snort and a guffaw.
For we all were quite amused
To see his bottom, bare and bruised.
So now we have to—
"Carter, what the bloody hell is this?!"
Carter looked up as Newkirk tore the paper away from him. He tried to make himself look as innocent as possible.
"Uh, er, I was just taking some notes," he said with a smile.
"Notes," Newkirk grunted. He rolled the paper up and smacked Carter on the head with it before throwing it into the stove.
"Sure. The colonel's probably going to send me to get the ham now."
"Good luck with that, mate. I doubt that butcher is going to let anyone in trousers even near his shop for the rest of the war."
"You're probably right," Carter conceded. He thought for a minute, then pulled out another sheet of paper and began writing.
"What are you writing now?" Newkirk asked, trying to look over his shoulder.
"I think I ought to tell the colonel to send you again."
"Me?!" Newkirk cried. "Are you barmy!"
"No, see, look-
"Now I'll tell a story,
A tale of brazen glory,
About how an old lady
With chin stubble very shady
Seduced the butcher and—"
Newkirk snatched the paper and smacked Carter with it again. He was about to throw it in the stove when Hogan caught his hand.
"What you got there, Newkirk?" he asked. Hogan unrolled the paper and Newkirk caught a familiar, demented twinkle in his eyes. "You know what Carter, I think this would make a great poem. Gnädige Frau Newkirk, go get dressed. And this time, get the ham before you head to the bed!"