Hello, it's me, back at it again with a new bag of tricks. I've always been intrigued by the concept of Bowser's minions banding up for total supremacy, so once I heard of this Minion Quest thing, I knew I was gonna do this fanfic eventually, but I thought it'd be much later down the road. But I sat down, tried to come up with ideas, and this concept just kept popping back up. So thanks to that, it's here. Do whatever you will (or won't) with that knowledge.

And before I start, I'd like to throw out one quick message. Rest in peace, AlphaDream. I'll never forget you or the fun times I had playing your games. You've influenced my perceptions on these characters for the better, and I'm sorry it had to end this way. I dedicate this one to you.

Every character here belongs to Nintendo and Alphadream.

I'm not cool enough to be copyrighted.

Koopa Cruiser, Midnight

"Man, this sucks."

A talking brown mushroom creature locked up in a splintered barrel that had seen better days, leaned up against the 'wall' and pouted. Nothing like some good old-fashioned degradation to end his day. He closed off his eyes and began gritting his teeth.

I lost. Again.

He let out a loud, heaving sigh and looked at his shoes.

Normally, he'd be more upset, but this outcome wasn't surprising anymore. Now he was just... miserable. And sick of it. Sick of this stupid barrel, sick of this cramped airship, and sick of every little fight with him ending this way-with his face in the mud, bruises on his body and with another tally added to his mental "loss" chart. (This might have been the one hundred and fourteenth time, but don't quote me on that.).

But whatever. He shook his head. Not like he could do anything about it now.

Plus, there wasn't anybody worthwhile to vent to. His only other company was another member of the glorious Goomba race, also locked up in a barrel, but this Goomba wasn't his first choice. He was... Well, putting it nicely, kinda 'special'.

..Oh why not. It'd kill some time.

I'll probably regret this, but... Our first Goomba sighed and spoke up. "Yo, Jared? What's up?"

From the other barrel, he heard his companion yawning and picking himself up. "Wazzup? It a good morning, ain't it?" Jared responded in an overly naive sprawl.

Already he regretted his decision. Our first Goomba didn't tell him it was midnight and said, "Oh, yeah. I'm having a great day. Yeah." He cast a sideways glance at the barrel walls. "It was fun when Mario stomped on me. You know. Again." The Goomba did a fake chuckle and slumped down.

"Hey man, look on the bright side."

Goomba 1 arched his eye.

"It was fun. I learned something. Got educated a lil bit."

"Really," said Goomba 1.

"Hell naw." Jared chuckled. "Mean plumber boy hurt me."

"Yeah, me too."

"What, you thought I like that?"

"Well..."

"That stupid. And you know me. I ain't no stupid boy."

Goomba 1 chuckled.

"You know who stupid tho? The other Mario."

Pause.

"The green one. You know what he told me?"

Pause.

"He told me 'There's candy in this barrel.'"

"Really."

"But guess what? There ain't no candy in this barrel."

"Mmn."

"He need to get his eyes checked."

"So we agree?" said the first Goomba, again deciding not to put 1 + 1 together for him. "I got a cool idea, Jared. Maybe we could like.." he hesitated a bit. "Uh.. band together next time. You know, strength in numbers and all that."

The creaking continued. Goomba 1 slid back on his legs and awaited a response. He didn't get one.

"I mean," sighed the Goomba, "It's an idea, I guess..

Dead air. Goomba quivered. er, not a great one or anything, but that's what the whole 'spitballing' process is there for, right?.." His voice trailed off. "Look, I just want to beat Mario. Like, once. That's all I need. Don't even care how."

More silence.

"...That's funny," responded Jared a few seconds later.

"...What is?" asked the first Goomba.

"Beatin' Mario." Jared snickered again. "That sound stupid. We can't do that stuff."

Goomba 1 clicked his tongue. "I mean, not with that attitude-"

"Not with any attitude," scoffed a third voice. Both of the Goombas recognized it as the Green Koopa who got stuck with 'barrel duty.' Nice guy, spent most of his time fiddling with his iPhone though.

"Dude," scoffed Goomba 1. "I didn't ask."

"Easy there, buddy," said the Koopa. He put his iPhone down and turned to the barrels. "I'm just saying. Killing Mario would be boss. Y'know, makin' him bleed all over the ground. Break his kneecaps. Rip out his intestines and watch him gasp for air-"

"Okay, uh, I wouldn't go that far-"

"BUT it's not happening," said the Koopa, talking over Goomba 1. "It CAN'T happen," he continued, more sullenly.

"Yeah, I know, it's an uphill fight... y'know, low... super low... Chance we win..." Goomba 1's voice trailed off. "But you haven't even heard my plan yet, it's awesome-"

"Dude, look at us. We kinda suck," said the Koopa.

"Bit harsh."

"Like, we're scrawny-"

"Yeah-"

"Can't jump very high-"

"Jamal, I'm aware of-"

"We have no weapons-"

"Correct..."

"And you guys don't even have arms-"

"I know."

"Hey, easy, easy."

"Yeah," said Jared. "It sucks. Got boogies I need to pick man."

"Jared, shut up. Please. ...Where I was I again?..."

Jamal scratched his head. "Uh.. oh right-And Mario... HE can jump super high-"

"No doy."

"He's swole. Real swole."

"Y-Yeah, dude's ripped."

"He can throw fireballs-"

"Yes, I've... seen him do that-"

"He has a magic star thing that makes him invincible-"

"I-I know-"

"And he doesn't even have a problem with Bowser-oh sorry, Lord Bowser-."

"Okay. You've made your point," the Goomba said.

"But please, enlighten me. Tell me your amazing plan."

Goomba opened his mouth and shut it right back. "I'm... still working on it."

"Maybe we could get us some machine guns," Jared piped in. "Then he won't be Mr. Tough guy no more. He'd be all like, 'It's-a me, Mario-AAAAHHH, bro, put that-a machine gun down, we can talk-a, there's a Zupas right across the street-a!'- and then we Rambo his ass. Goomba: First Blood." Jared started making obnoxious machine gun noises with his mouth.

Jamal folded his arms. "And how are you gonna pull the trigger?"

"Easy, I just pull up and use my h... Aw yeah, you right. Hell, I can't even afford no machine gun." Jared quietly fumed. "I'm broke, boy."

"Not saying that wasn't a cool idea. I'll just be the one drawing first blood." The Koopa pictured Mario riddled with bullet holes and him being celebrated as a god amongst his fellow Koopas and started laughing like he came out of an 80s cartoon.

Goomba 1 didn't listen much. He refused to believe it couldn't be done. Like, there had to be a way. Because he knew he wasn't gonna take being crushed in the ground AGAIN. Mario had to have some Achillies' heel.

Some loud, distant thudding rudely interrupted his thoughts, which Jared and the Koopa also heard. The latter whipped around.

"Hey, what was tha..." Jamal's expression sank. "Aw, crap..."

They were coming closer, and now they could hear some aggressive-sounding death metal instrumental (turned up way too loud) as 'the man' himself hit the scene. Bowser's prized (at least in his own eyes) bully of a son, Roy Koopa, holding a Bluetooth speaker. Also present were Bowser's only daughter, Wendy O. Koopa, and their odd-one-out, not very deadly middle brother, Iggy, who followed in their brother's footsteps.

Roy walked up to the barrels and turned off the speakers. He looked at the Koopa and his look of terror.

"Relax," he said. "I'm not here to beat your ass. I'm just here to see if you're done unloading the barrels." He motioned towards Wendy and Iggy. "Just ignore these losers, I don't even know why they're here."

"Dad made us check on the barrels too, idiot," said Iggy. "You think I'd go anywhere with you if I had a choice?"

Roy ignored him and looked at the barrels for a half-second. "Looks good, bye guys." He headed back to the deck. Midway through, he stopped and turned back. Devilish idea. Beautiful, devilish idea.

"Hey y'all," he said with a stupid grin, "Check this out."

"Hmm?" asked Wendy, sitting on Goomba 1's barrel. Likewise, Iggy and Jamal didn't acknowledge his statement and faced away.

Roy kicked over Goomba 1's barrel like a trash can. He heard the first Goomba rattle inside and grunt in pain numerous times.

"OW! What was that for?!" said Goomba 1.

Oh man I'm bad. Roy couldn't help but laugh at his "hilarious" gag, but he regained his composure before he got too carried away. "Hey, Goomba trash!" he yelled. He folded his arms and listened to Goomba 1's moaning.

Hah, Goomba trash! I'm so funny, thought Roy. (He wasn't a very funny person.)

Anyways, our little trailer trash turtle stuck his foot back. "How ya doin', buddy boys? How dem barrels feel, hmmm?"

Roy kicked Jared's barrel and broke into another laughing fit. Iggy cringed and turned away, and Jamal looked bored.

"Hey, I asked you losers something," Roy told Jared.

"Huh?" Jared snapped to attention. "Oh, you talkin' to me?"

"Yeah, retard."

"Oh okay." Jared cleared his throat and dropped silent for a few seconds.

"...I'm listening."

"...I don't talk to suckas, boy!"

You couldn't see it under the shades, but Roy's eyes narrowed something fierce. Jared started laughing. Wendy started laughing too. Roy folded his arms again.

"Get it, boy? You a sucka-"

"SHUT UP! YOU-YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT!" yelled Roy. Visibly fuming, he sat on the floor and shook his head. He tried to come up with a clever retort but came up empty-handed.

"Gotem," Wendy whispered to Iggy and the Koopa. They shrugged.

"B-But-" Roy sputtered. "What do you guys even do? You guys just try to walk into Mario and then he beats the everliving crap out of you , right?"

"Yeah, well," said Jared, "once I get that machine gun, the tables shall turn."

Roy ignored him. "You guys are lames."

"I'd say the guy picking on those underneath him is the real lame," said Iggy. "But I already knew that. Everyone here already knows that. I just hope you do."

Roy brushed him off with a lame laugh. "Yeah. I know I'm awesome. And YOU are a pussy loser. But I already knew that. Everyone here already knows that. I just hope you do." He shook his head. "Nerd."

Iggy sighed. "Sure." He threw his hands up and went to the wall.

"I mean, he ain't wrong," Wendy piped in. "Like, that's pretty harsh bro. Plus, well, they're just Goombas, ease up on them a bit. You've already got it so much better than them, y'know? Again, they Goombas. They weak and cute and stuff, they can't help it, it's in their nature. And they're pretty cool. Like, I don't wanna get in a whole corny 'Care for your fellow man' spiel here, but maybe do that?"

"Thank you for that..." said Goomba 1 from inside his barrel. "I guess..."

"No problem," said Wendy, hopping off the barrel and walking to the support pole. "And for what it's worth, I like you guys. I really do," she continued, lowering her voice so Roy didn't hear her.

"Damn, I got sidetracked there," said Roy. "My point is, why? Why is it necessary?"

"What, you bullying us?" said Goomba 1.

"Nah, keeping you worms around," said Roy. "But since we've got a comedy man here, I'll humor you. I bully you cause you and your worthless kind are so easy to laugh at. At least that loser watching over you guys. At least he has arms to hurt people. But you? You have NOTHING. You're literally dead weight. You're worth less than those crappy barrels you're in. You've got nothing. You ARE nothing. Your existence is an insult! You're an oxygen thief! You steal oxygen from those more worthy of life!" He was practically spitting the words out now.

Wow. Goomba 1 winced; Roy did this a lot, but he'd never stooped that low. He took a few deep breaths. He felt a tear rush up to his eye, and for once he was thankful for the barrel.

"Well, I.. I'm sorry you... Feel that way..." he tried to sound self-assured, but his voice cracked a little.

Meanwhile, Wendy, Iggy and the Koopa watched their brother in disgust. Sure it was their job to be evil, but this was low even for Roy. None of them wanted to get caught up in this though.

"..No, dude. No," said Iggy.

"Uh, heh, heh, let's change the subject, why don't we?" said Jamal. "Like, uh... what if we had our own games? I know what I'd want in Super Jamal Bros. You guys interested?"

Roy ignored him again. "Anyways, I'm totally all Bowser's ever gonna need."

"But you've never beaten Mario... Like, ever," said Wendy.

"Yeah? You haven't either, princess. 'Sides, ya boy got a whole new idea. Trust me, this one flips the whoole game around," said Roy, rubbing his hands together.

"You're gonna slam the floor, try to punch him, maybe try to breathe fire on him and watch as he leaps over you and crushes your head," said Jamal.

"...No. That's… not it. That's… the exact opposite of… my…"

"Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Honestly, I didn't have much of a plan either." Wendy waved her arm to calm down the musclehead. "Losing to him's almost like, our thing now. It kinda sucks."

Roy glared at her. His fists clenched. Then they unclenched, and he dropped the menacing expression. "Yeah," he mumbled. "Kinda does." He forced a bulge down his throat, disgusted at the idea of agreeing with his sister on anything.

"Why do Bowser and Mario even fight so much anyway," Iggy broke in. "And why does dad need the Mushroom Kingdom so much? And why do we have to get involved. Am I just not old enough to get it?"

"Heard that, bro. Make peace, not war." Wendy leaned back on the support pole and flashed the others a peace sign.

Roy rolled his eyes. "Yeah, see how far that hippy crap takes you. But as for ME? I just got a lil feeling. Today…" Roy leaned in and folded his arms. "... will be the day. Trust your boy on that." He stood back up and nodded.

Iggy sniggered. "Hey, uh, you remember we're not fighting Mario today, right?" He laid his arm across the silver armrest and continued sniggering.

Everyone looked confused.

"Oh!" Jamal snapped his fingers. "Yeah, that's right! He and his... Uh... his weird green brother? What's his name again?"

He looked at everyone else, but they only produced shrugs.

"Shucks. Anyways, get this-they're actually banding up with Bowser! So I heard, anyways." The Koopa snorted. "Man, Mario and Bowser. And greener Mario. Imagine that." He laughed. "I give them a few hours."

Roy slumped on the boarded floor and stared at the ground. "Damn."

"... Damn, this is great?" said Iggy. "We don't need to fight them, and we have two strong allies for... Uh, whatever we're doing today." He turned to Wendy. "Do you know?"

"Hell if I know. Thought we were kidnapping Peach again." Wendy sighed. "Crazy how she never listens to me. I keep telling her 'It's not my fault, dad gives me money for this'. But she never wants to hear me out. Wonder what her deal is."

"Well, we kidnap her... like, every other day..." said Iggy.

"Oh yeah."

"Hey, remember when we got that giant cake and trapped her inside?" said Iggy.

Wendy snorted. "Classic."

"Yeah, Ludwig did great on that one."

"He really makes us look like losers," said Wendy. "Almost as much as Mario does.."

"IGGY, you don't get it." Roy sighed and put his hand on his head. "Look, I was READY this time. Man, I was up all night perfecting my…. Y'know, 'PAINDAY' techniques."

He swung his left arm to demonstrate. "I was gonna beat him this time. I HAD to. It was THE day. The stars were practically aligning! It's… badass problems you won't get. 'Cause you aren't one. But no matter. One of these days, it shall happen. And this revolution shall be televised."

"Shall not," said Jamal.

Roy stared at him. "Are you defying the people's champion?"

"The revolution shall not be televised. That's how it goes." Jamal corrected him without missing a beat.

Roy furrowed his brow. "No... I'm pretty sure it's "shall be televised-

He stopped mid-sentence and made a face like he bit into a lemon.

"'Badass problems'. That's a new one," muttered Iggy.

That rubbed Roy the wrong way. "On the bright side…" Roy stepped to his bro. "I can still take out my frustration…"

Iggy soured up. He knew what he meant.

"Get it, bro?" Roy grinned. "You know what I-"

"Yes," Iggy interrupted. "I.. I got it. I… I'm aware of the… message you're trying to send me. Yep." Iggy looked down at the floor. "Why do you even bully me so much," he mumbled.

Unfortunately for him, Roy overheard him. "Let me think about that."

"Think about what?..." Said Iggy.

Roy pretended to think for about seven-ish seconds. When Iggy leaned in closer, Roy socked him in the face; he fell on his back like a ragdoll.

"'Cause it's fun." He pumped his fist like a shotgun.

Iggy didn't get up.

"...I think you knocked him out, Roy," said Wendy.

"...Yeah, that's... what I was trying to do."

Wendy peered at her brother. "You broke his glasses."

Roy grinned. "Awesome."

"Wait…" asked Goomba 1. "Hey Jamal?"

"What's up?"

"If Mario is on our side… Why'd you encourage him to beat us up?"

Jamal shrugged. "Bowser told me to keep you guys in the barrels."

"...He did? B-But… why?"

"...It's not obvious? No?….Bowser thinks you guys are jokes. He just keeps Goombas around for laughs. He literally told me, 'throw them in the barrels with rest of my crap.' Sorry man."

"It's fine…" Goomba 1 choked up a bit. Well, that explained so much. Way, way too much.

"Look, that's what BOWSER thinks. Not ME. You know me. You're one of my bros! You guys are great company-"

"Oh my god," said Roy. He pointed to the green Koopa. "Yo guys, check it out, Jamal talks to Goombas." He pointed and kept laughing at the Koopa. Nobody else laughed.

"Hey guys!" A frantic, distant voice chimed in, piquing everyone's interest. Even Roy stopped laughing and turned to the walkway. A Red Koopa ran up to the group, panting like he just ran a marathon. Naturally, everyone assumed he had something important to say (because people who enter the scene out of breath/in a rush always have something important to say) and looked at him with rapt attention.

"Oh, you guys still here?" The Red Koopa paused for air. "G-Great. We-We've been hit. BAD." He stretched out the D part and spread his arms for emphasis.

"...We've been attacked?" asked Wendy.

"Y-Yes, exactly."

Most everyone either gasped, did a double-take, or both.

Roy perked up and got into a combat pose. "Awesome. Looks like your boy's gonna see some action after all. Heads will roll. Just show me the way, brotha!" Roy punched his hand into his open palm as if his message wasn't obvious enough.

The Red Koopa wasn't there to see it. He was too busy putting on a parachute. "Oh… yyyeah. I'm afraid it's too late for that."

"...They won without me?" asked Roy.

There was a following uncomfortable silence that lasted around 5 seconds.

"Not exactly." The Red Koopa started opening the escape hatch.

About then, everybody noticed the smoke, and his statement made much more sense.

"..Hey, uh, that chute you have? Yeah, do you have any more of those?" asked Wendy.

The Red Koopa pursed his lips. "Last one." He let that sink in a minute, long enough for everyone else to go wide-eyed.

"C'mon then!" Roy took a step towards the Koopa. "Give me the goddamn chute! My life's way more important than yours!"

The Red Koopa stood still and returned Roy's glare for about 3 seconds.

"No." Before anybody could object, the Red Koopa leaped off the ship.

"...You bitch!" Roy yelled at the air.

"Stone cold," chuckled Wendy.

The ship started leaning over, reminding everyone why that Red Koopa jumped.

"Fuck y'all, I'm jumping!" yelled Roy. And he did. Jamal and Wendy looked on in equal amounts admiration and shock as the fearless Koopaling dove out face first.

"Wow, uh, he actually did it." Wendy scratched the back of her head. "Well, uh, I definitely can't do that." And she was right, she wasn't exactly the freak of nature her brother was, so she needed a new option.

"Uh… my shell hasn't failed me yet…" Wendy ducked into her protective shell.

Jamal shifted his eyes back and forth. Time was running out and he didn't have a sturdy body or a spiky shell. "C-Can I get in that shell w-w-with you? Please?"

No response.

"...Oh god that sounds so awful. Not at all what I meant! Oh god oh god oh god-" he looked at his surroundings again and again, hoping maybe he missed something the first 5 or so times. His eyes landed on Goomba 1's barrel.

Will I even fit in there? He paused, shook his head and looked for a different hiding place. Just as he started looking around, a giant explosion rattled the ship and threw him backwards with a grunt.

Ooof. That one was a doozy. He groaned and picked himself back up, head still spinning. "Damn!" He shook his head and dove for the barrels.

"Get me outta this damn barrel!" wailed Goomba 1. "I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"SORRY MAN! I DON'T WANNA DIE EITHER! PLEASE MAN, YOU GOTTA LET ME IN!"

"You're gonna crush me, man! Hell no!"

Before the argument could escalate, the ship started tipping and the cargo too.

"Well, it was nice knowin' y'all," said the Koopa in what barely amounted to a whisper. He ducked on the floor and put his hands over his head.

One final, intense explosion rang from the ship, this one blasting a huge fireball through the ship. Finally, the Cruiser went down, taking all the flaming and screaming minions that failed to get off in time with them. This explosion also knocked off Jamal, who let out one final bloodcurdling scream before vanishing below. Goomba 1 never saw him, but he sure as hell heard 'im, and it didn't ease his panic.

After his scream faded into nothingness, Goomba 1 was left with nothing but his own thoughts.

So this is death, huh?

...

...Well, it's not what I thought it'd be.

Indeed it wasn't. He fthought he'd be more scared. Well, he was a tiny bit. But he mostly just accepted it. He waited for the memories to hit him. They never came.

Good, less distractions.

He closed his eyes and tensed his body, thinking back to some meditative videos he'd watched a while back. He held his breath for 10 seconds and exhaled, releasing his bad energy in one final breath...

SOME MINUTES LATER...

Even though it felt never-ending, the fall did eventually end. The barrel started crashing and bumping across various objects, and the Goomba felt every bit as the impacts hurled him across the barrel.

"Ohhh..."

It proved too much, and the Goomba drifted into unconsciousness.

...

What.. Happened...

... ...

Everything's so... Quiet...

...

After an eternity (or closer to several hours), the Goomba's eyes reopened. His senses started to regrow, and with that came the pain. His head was spinning, his vision came in and out of focus, and there was probably blood in his mouth.

H...heaven?

No, couldn't have been. His injuries probably would have been patched up.

My... My head... Goomba grimaced and tried to look around, but his body felt chained to the ground. He exhaled. Best as he could tell, he was in a musty, dank cave with almost no light inside.

I'm... I'm not dead.

...

That's cool. I guess.

He tried moving his head again, and this time he made some progress. As his mind cleared, everything started coming back.

"Oh yeah," he murmured. "Bowser hates me and my species. Mario and that other green guy beat me and my barrelmates up. I got locked in a barrel. Again. Roy... bullied me. Again." His throat locked up a little. "And someone or something destroyed Bowser's ship and sent me here."

Not that he expected a response, but he still let his words hang for a few seconds. All he heard was the water dripping from the stalagmites and his voice echoing off the walls.

"Yeah, that sums it up. I live a blessed life, don't I... wait..." He looked across the cave. "I'm not in a barrel anymore." A smile broke on his face. "What happened to..."

He looked underneath him and noticed the barrel splinters for the first time. "Ahh..." Then he noticed his leg, trapped in a branch.

Turns out he wasn't on the floor. He was upside down a foot or so above it.

Well, that was a pleasant surprise. He wasn't conscious to see it, but when he got thrown out of his barrel, his leg got tangled in that branch before he could hit the rocks. Great thing too. He knew if he hit the floor, he'd probably have gotten a concussion. He shook his leg free and fell on his face.

Ow. He hopped up, landed the right way this time.

"Much better. Good and alive..."

Alive... Alive... Alive...

The word rebounded in his head, til it hit him. He was alive. By dumb luck, he was here, breathing. Bruised, battered, and not in the best condition (or mood) of his life, but alive.

He took another deep breath. Wow.

...

...

Yeah, probably a good time to leave. Was there an exit? He swiveled his head and saw it. In the corner of his eyes he saw a blinding flash of light; he had to close his left eye to keep it out.

"Woah, I was out that long?"

He shook his head, scuffed his feet and walked to the entrance.

Hoohoo Mountain Summit Cave, Outdoors

Turns out that light wasn't the sun; it was just a lamp near the cave entrance. It was still dark out. He still hissed and partly closed his eyes. Being locked up in a barrel for hours would do that to you. He noticed he was on the far side of a cliff.

He didn't know it yet, but he was standing on Hoohoo Mountain. An enormous mountain on the northwest side of the Beanbean Kingdom. Known for its blazing weather, rocky cliffs and abundant sparkly waterfalls.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by a loud 'whooshing' sound above him.

"Hey, do you mind... Wait, who is that... Is that..."

He looked up just in time to see a large, powerful, kingly figure flying above him. One that looked oddly… familiar.

His eyes widened. "B-Bowser?! Holy-"

He remembered. Oh yeah.

He looked at the sky again. Maybe he could save him. He'd have to crash soon, and he'd definitely need some help...

"Save him? Nah, I'm just part of his 'useless crap'. He can save his own ass." Wow, that helped. Came out of nowhere. But even as he calmed down, he didn't regret those words. Only thing he regretted was never saying it to his face.

SOMETIME LATER...

As beautiful a sightseeing spot as that cliff was, he couldn't stay there forever. And really, it was. Almost enough to make him forget why he was here. He wanted to just admire the sights a little more. But that wasn't an option. Goomba turned and walked to the entrance.

"So... what now?"

Good question. He still didn't know where he was, much less which direction would lead to familiar ground; for all he knew, he was on the opposite side of the planet. He could try to find the other minions, but A: He had no idea where they were, B: He didn't even know if they were alive, and C: He was supposed to be going AWOL.

Alternatively, he could go back inside the cave and wait for someone to find him, but it didn't look like this area was very populated.

That left one option. Just walk in one direction and see what happens.

What the hell, he thought. Wasn't ideal, but so much better than the alternatives.

No sense wasting time. He picked himself up and started walking to the east, on his brand new life with no barrels, no Mario, no Koopa family and no inter ranks drama.

FEW MINUTES OF WALKING LATER...

He was really getting into this actually. Nobody was on the cliff but him. He didn't even see any bugs. And now that it was sunrise, he could see some of the scenery beyond the mountain, and it was quite a sight. It reminded him of his walks back at home, the thought put him in a light state of tranquil. He could get used to this.

It didn't last. Just two minutes later, he heard footsteps. He froze in place and stared at the source, some weird, oval-shaped bean thingy.

"Wow, there's someone else here?" The Goomba muttered to himself. "Looks kinda ugly, but..." It wasn't until the words left his mouth that he realized he might have spoken a little too loudly. "Crap." He closed his eyes and prayed. Maybe if he was lucky, he didn't hear it at all.

"Fuck you say to me, Shroom Boy?"

He wasn't lucky. Goomba swore and turned to the bean thingy. Oh lord, he was pissed. And several feet closer than he was before.

"I-I didn't say nothing. H-Honest!" Goomba babbled.

"Why you gotta lie, shroom-face? I heard you call me an ugly-ass mofo." Now he was straight up seething, and the bean was so close now that Goomba could swear he felt the steam coming out his nostrils.

"But... Okay, fine, I did call you ugly. And I'm sorry. That was rude, I shouldn't have said that out loud. We good?"

"Naw bruh, we ain't 'good.' Stupid-ass shroom headed motha-."

"Okay, OKAY. PLEASE, calm down-"

The green bean dashed at him and rammed into his face with his body.

"OW! Hey! Why'd you do that-"

The bean did it again, harder this time.

"OW! What's your problem, asshole?" yelled Goomba.

"What's YOUR problem, fucko? Yous an ugly ass hoe bitch, and you call me ugly? Hearin' it from others is one thing but from another fucking bean thing? THAT'S where I draw the line, mother-fucker!"

Okay, limited vocabulary aside, that kinda struck a chord.

"Well, I'm sorry you feel that way-"

"You sorry? Well, I'm sorry YOU fucking exist! Yeah-Yeah, that right boy, I ain't fuckin' 'round no more! Know what I'll do? I'll knock yo ass out!" He started circling the Goomba.

"Oh, you'll knock me out, huh?!" Goomba did the same.

"I'LL KNOCK YOU OUT!"

Well, that did it. Goomba's body went full autopilot. Before he knew what he was doing, he sprinted towards the bean and sacked him as hard as he could, sending him flying three meters and collapsing on his back.

"Are you happy now, fuckface?" yelled Goomba. He continued panting, anger draining by the second.

"Hey, what the fuck was that? You cheated!" The bean hopped back on his feet and ran in place angrily.

Well, no way around it now, they'd have to fight. Goomba stopped marveling at his strength and did the same.

Truth be told, he only really knew how to fight Mario. Was this really the best idea?

...No, I have to do this. If I ran away, I'd just prove everyone right about Goombas. I'd kill my Goomba pride and everything. I have to do this. Man, I hate Goomba pride. What did I learn from Goomba training again?

...

Goomba Training, Day 1

"Alright cadets, listen up!" yelled Lord Bowser. "Y'all signed up to be part of the glorious Koopa Troop for one unified cause. And what is that cause?" He turned to his troops.

"Kill Mario!" he thundered.

"Wait, really? One of us could kill Mario? You mean it?" asked one of the young Goombas.

Bowser nodded. "You know what-sure. Put your heart to it-or something. I think that's what Oprah would say," he mumbled.

"Anyways. You guys don't have any arms, correct?"

Nods and groans all around.

"Yeah. That sucks. You can't use utensils. You can't open shelves, you can't even play Minecraft or whatever's hot with the kids these days. But you know what you do have?"

Bowser scribbled a crude drawing of a Goomba walking into Mario. "You can walk… and tackle… and bite things, I guess. So there's your combat strategy. Just walk into Mario. Yes, even if there's a cliff. Okay, class dismissed, go practice on each other or something."

Bowser crumpled the paper, threw it in the trash and left.

...

So I learned... a lotta crap. Of course. But I'll still need some strategy….

...Or I could just bash into him forever.

….Bashing's easier.

Yeah, he might as well just keep bashing. It was doing fine so far.

The bean creature leaped towards the Goomba; the Goomba flipped his body and kicked him to the floor. Bean guy crashed on the ground and spit out a tooth.

Goomba looked at his body. He looked at the bean, several feet away, spitting blood.

Woahh... I'm doing it. I'm actually doing it!

Now, I would like to say this was a battle to end all battles. Y'know, the type of battle that gets passed down to generation after generation of Marioverse citizens. In reality, it was pretty much just the Goomba and that bean thing bumping into each other while spouting every playground insult they could think of.

It was pretty lame actually.

The bean got up and tried to rush him again. Goomba stepped sideways; the bean flew off balance and pathetically teetered on one foot. Goomba charged at him with an even harder tackle and knocked him on the ground. The bean's leg twisted something funny and a sharp whimper told Goomba he wasn't getting up soon. So much for his trash talk.

Wow, talk about anti-climatic. I want my paycheck back, y'all.

Goomba took a few steps backward. "Well, well well," he said.

"Shut the fuck up. Your stupid ass already won. Just fucking KO me already. Man, I can't believe I lost to a fucking shroom. Guess I can't do anything. Fuck me."

He continued his rambling, but it didn't get to Goomba nearly as much now. All he needed to do now was secure the win... But how?

"Come on, man, think! I'll need something… distinct. Different. Something… me." But what. His facial expression sorrowed. He had ideas for ultimate attacks, plenty of them. Great ideas too. Only problem was, none of them were things he could actually do. Not unless he could suddenly transform Super Sayian.

All he got was a lot of memories of Mario stomping on him, punching, kicking, burning, jumping on or otherwise hurting Goombas. He cringed. Why was this all he could think of again? He tried to shove them out, yet it persisted. Just Mario jumping, stomping… just jumping... Stomping… wait…

Goomba grinned. YES. It was perfect. It was the only choice. He slowly turned his entire body to the bean. "Witness..." He stuck his head up. "...THE HEADBONK!"

"..."

"Not yet copyrighted."

"Seriously? That's your ultimate?"

"...Yeah. What's wrong with it?"

"ANYBODY can 'HEADBONK' people."

"..I'm not sure about that..." said Goomba, not without a bit of fluster.

"Haven't you played Paper Mario?"

"... Uhhh... not yet-"

"Like, two other Goombas came up with that 'headbonk' thing first. If you're doing what I'm thinking you gon do. You are, aren't you?"

Goomba tried to respond, but couldn't get out more than a stammer. So he rushed forward, leapt 4 times his body height and plummeted on the obnoxious bean headfirst with enough force to rip his body apart, spraying blood everywhere and staining his body a lovely red. Goomba bounced off the floor, rolled on his feet and shook the blood out of his eyes.

The blood clung to him like he just got out the swimming pool. He glanced at his blood-soaked body, then at the red liquid death underneath him, then at the bean's separated corpse.

A good few seconds passed; His head began clearing up and his heart rate slowed to something close to normal. And then it hit him.

"Oh..." he looked underneath his legs again; he felt a dizzy feeling in his head. And then he screamed.

"Oh god... I...I thought he'd just get knocked out!…t-that's how it always works in videogames!..."

For better or worse, this was the first time he'd ever killed anyone, and it was a bit to take in. Not that he felt sorry for the bean thing or anything, he was a douche. Plus it looked pretty awesome. (Too bad you weren't there.)

All things considered, he was taking it pretty well. "Okay... He had it coming. He was picking fights." He took some slow, frantic breaths. "Yeah, yeah. Self-defense. That's all it was." Goomba silently accepted his story. He took a few more breaths and continued east. "Sides, there weren't any witnesses. Nobody's gonna know..."

He took a step forward. Just so long as he found something to clean himself with.

And there was nothing. Not even a waterfall this time. Time to keep walking. He took one last sweeping glance at the ground, the bean's two halves, and his own body, and walked away, feeling a twinge in his chest.

"How does Mario do it?"

MEANWHILE...

Just a few miles ahead, there was a group of four more Goombas. Three of them were sitting down, not paying much mind to the fourth one. He was standing on a rock, trying to instill confidence in the others.

"Okay guys, I know we've shoved this to the back long enough. But trust me, it's important. We need one of those, uh, 'leader' people."

The three didn't respond, the one in the back even began kicking dust.

"Oh yeah, cool."

"Yeah, so let's look over what makes a leader good. Let's see, uh... He'd need to be smart... Uh, charming... uh... rational..."

"And he should totes be able to get us laid."

Half-hearted chuckles abound.

"Haha, yeah. Yeah."

"Good one."

"I know."

"Hahaha. But uh, I'm being serious here. Anybody up for the task?"

Crickets.

"Well, sure can't be me. That stuff takes responsibility, right?" That Goomba from before chuckled.

"Yeah.."

"Damn," said another Goomba. "Count me out. Maybe you could do it?" He turned to the last one.

"Oh, so I'm just your third choice?"

"...Umm..."

"Then no."

"Buddy, that's not what I'm.."

"Guys, GUYS, let's kick it down a bit, huh?" said the first Goomba. "Alright? Let's just... think a little here. I know we ain't good at that, but who knows, maybe something will hit you."

"Sure."

"Okay."

"You do that."

In the distance...

Goomba saw 4 shapes in the distance. He stopped dead in his tracks.

"W..what? M...more?" he asked. He squinted his eyes. Yep. Sure looked like 4 more beans.

This had to be a joke. He just barely won against the first one, and now, here were 4 more, just waiting to mob him. Goomba's forehead began clamping up with sweat; too bad he couldn't wipe any of it off.

I'm dead. For real this time.

The conflicted feelings reawakened. He sat on the floor.

Maybe I could walk back?

He sat down a little longer. He made up his mind, forced his body up.

I'm doing good.

He put himself on his feet and turned to the beans. Let's just try to keep it going.

Goomba smiled. Yeah.

He sprinted towards the shapes, ignoring his pounding chest as he gathered all his strength to do an even more powerful headbonk.

MEANWHILE...

"I get it, being a leader's hard. And I know, we ain't cut out for it."

"Seconded."

"Thirded."

"But there has to be somebody qualified enough."

The Goomba looked up. "...Hey dude."

"Yeah?"

"Look above you."

"Why?"

The first of the Goombas looked around him and realized a shadow was covering him, expanding by the second. He looked above him, a little too late. "Whu-AAAH"

Our Goomba crushed him. Like the bean creature, no contest; his body ripped apart and his blood splattered across the cliff walls, the floor and the bodies of our Goomba and the other three Goombas.

"How you like me now, bitch?!" he yelled. He stamped on a bloody piece of skin multiple times, letting his adrenaline surge down til he was calm again.

"Wait... That's.." he took his foot off the skin and noticed it was dark brown. His throat clenched. He shifted his eyes and noticed the brown Goomba shoes in the bloodpile. His face turned pale.

Oh no... These guys weren't beans after all. No, he just killed one of his own. He messed up again. He looked up and noticed the three gore-soaked, mildly surprised Goombas all staring at him. Just perfect.

"Uh… h-hey t-there, g-guys…"

TO BE CONTINUED?

...

And so it ends. If you read to this point, you rock, dude (or dudette). And you might have noticed the '?' at the end of the "To Be Continued". Lemme explain. This was a fun little experiment, but I'm not sure whether I want to continue. This will probably stay a one-off, but I'm not marking it such yet. If I feel 'the mood' again, who knows what could happen. In any case, my door's always open.

But in the meantime, thanks for sticking with me to the end of my latest creative exercise. (Unless ya just scrolled to the bottom. I see ya. You ain't slick).

Just remember, it's BALLZACK-MASTER 999, signing out.

...I should really get that name changed. Sheesh.