a/n: going to a wedding soon so thought i would post an update!
TW: disordered eating mention, mental health (Will have to update earlier chaps too w a TW)
After my alone time, mostly in the bedroom reading, I had a small dinner with Viktor but kept conversation to a minimal. I wasn't up for it.
We didn't have chatter before bedtime either.
When I woke up the next morning after the whole 'Viktor made me walk home' and 'How do I tell him that I am not okay with our relationship status right now?'-I didn't feel great.
Viktor was already up and out of bed. I heard banging around in the kitchen but ignored it. I didn't know why he was up so early on a rest day. Maybe I didn't feel good because it was the post-binge depression and just plain old depression sinking in. I exhaled, remembering my past.
With the overeating, there was always the overwhelming urge afterwards to burn away the "mistakes". It always hit with the same feeling, it was a clawing urge up my throat of that I did an action so wrong.
But was I wrong?: I didn't know that answer.
All I know is that it has happened all my life, the overeating and binging. When I got broken up for the first time in high school? Binge. Holidays? Overeat. Bored? Overeat. At Thanksgiving I was known as the biggest eater of the family, the one that could keep the most down.
Wow you have such a big appetite Yuuri!
It must be from all the skating you do!
I admire that you can let go and just have fun.
Food was my biggest comfort yet largest downfall.
I blinked away the memories. Time to take a bath and attempt to soak my worries away, I rolled over in my bed, groaning, feeling my back all the way down to my toes. Coach Viktor worked me hard yesterday.
But I sat up anyways since the bath was another activity that soothed me, like eating did. Obviously in a different way and it didn't help as well but it always aided a little. I stretched, groaning louder, standing then padded to the bathroom.
I hummed as the bath filled up, scrubbing myself in the shower section of our bathroom. Viktor had it installed knowing the cultural significance to me. It of course just made me love him more. I finished my shower, and turned off the bathwater. Viktor was being more serious with skating, sure, but I still loved him very much.
I stepped into the steaming water and just…sinked in…. sighing. All my muscles felt so good, they felt like they were un-knotting themselves. I sighed again thinking: Viktor was putting too much stress on me about competing. I wanted to prioritize different things with him like getting married so very badly but I didn't know if he even wanted to anymore. All he wanted to do was skate skate skate and nothing else.
I ignored the increasing kitchen sounds, the smell of...hard boiled eggs...and was that miso soup? A traditional Japanese breakfast? What the heck was Viktor doing in there?
When I felt ready, I got out of the bath and went to our bedroom to change, my resting clothes on.
"Viktor?" I stepped into the kitchen slowly.
"Ah- Yuuri my darling!" He came up to me, hugging me, kissing me on my forehead gently then leading me to the table.
"Uh- What?"
I looked at the elaborate spread on the table. Kimchi, miso soup, rice, some sort of broth, grilled fish, and eggs. My mouth watered at the wonderful smells.
I blurted out, "Oh wow.
His face turned pink, "Spasee'ba." Thank you.
"I love it." I drew him in for a big hug then a kiss on the lips, "It is very thoughtful. I did actually eat this as a child a lot."
His eyes lit up as I sat down at the table, he did as well, small smile playing on his lips. I reached out for his hand.
"Really, Viktor, this is really nice."
I think it was to apologize again for last night's incident.
.
That night, Viktor's bedside lamp was already out so I assumed he had gone to sleep. It was before bedtime; I looked up from my book to Viktor staring at me. I jumped slightly but was more confused than anything.
"Yes, dear?" I put my blue bookmark in between the pages.
"Question..." He smiled slightly, tracing his finger up and down my arm.
"Yes?"
Hope built in my chest, maybe he was going to bring up special specifics...maybe a proposal?
"Are you sure you are ready for a big ask?" Viktor said.
I felt like I couldn't breath, my whole body was tense.
I nodded.
"Well with...a lot coming up. I just need to make sure this is a good time to ask you...Do you want..."
To marry you, yes!
"-to up your program?"
I didn't know how to respond just felt my face heating up and my eyebrows knitting up in confusion.
"Uh. It's fine." I tried to say lightly, knowing my face looked exactly how I felt. Stinky.
"Is it actually alright, dorogoy?" -dear?
I turned off my bedside lamp.
"Yes, let's do add more to my training." I tried not to cry.
"Oh! This is so exciting." He clapped his hands together and shifted in bed.
I tried not to tense up when he cuddled close to me.
That was not the question I was expecting. I don't think we were even close to the same page at all.
"Spakoynay nochi, Yuuri." Good night.
"Oyasomi, Viktor." Good night.
It didn't feel like a good night so I stayed up in bed most of the night staring at the ceiling.