Dolores Umbridge is only a fractional example of the stress under which today's educators work. This work of fanfiction is based on the true events that happened to my teacher friends. As I listened to their stories, I wondered how the staff at Hogwarts would handle such situations.

Not only do I not own the world of Harry Potter, but I also changed the story line to suit me. This little satire is dedicated to all my teacher friends.

Educational Decrees Ad Nauseum

CHAPTER 3 - "Together Everyone Achieves More"

November 1995

"Good evening, staff," Umbridge chirped. She gifted them with a grin that would give sharks nightmares. Flicking her wand, she set an enormous stack of parchments on the table. "This meeting will be conducted in two parts: part one and part two."

"Well, imagine that," Septima Vector muttered.

Dolores Umbridge gestured graciously towards a newcomer, who pranced in the door behind her. "Let me introduce you to Professor Curriculous Snodbury. He is a former member of the Board of Education and the Chairman of both the Board's and the Ministry's hospitality committee."

Curriculous Snodbury smiled blandly and smoothed down his nearly non-existent brown hair. "Thank you, High Inquisitor Umbridge," Snodbury said. "What a wonderful introduction! My only wish is that my modest contributions to the educational process will positively affect high-impact areas."

"High Inquisitor Umbridge?" Dumbledore asked. His words were echoed by the rest of the staff members with equal confusion. "I am afraid I'm unfamiliar with the term."

"It's nothing," Dolores replied with her usual syrupy tone. "Albus, I'm sure the Ministry will let you know about any change soon."

"Oh, now, don't be modest," Snodbury cooed. He clasped his soft, pale, pudgy hands together over his bright green vest. "You know perfectly well that –" He broke off when he noticed the displeased warning frown she threw his way. "Well," he extemporized as he nervously tugged at his orange cravat, "that, um, my latest suggestion to the Ministry was a hit."

"You may sit down, Curriculous," Dolores informed him snootily. "And you have a blue ink stain on your yellow shirt. You might want to appear better groomed in future."

His face flaming red over his yellow shirt, Professor Snodbury swept up the tails of his purple tailcoat and sat down quietly.

"Speaking of colors," Umbridge continued, "it has come to the attention of the Ministry that there are some small things we can do to make this process easier on our staff."

"Thank Merlin!" Pomona Sprout cried.

"No need to thank Merlin, my dear," Umbridge preened. "I was the one to came up with this idea. You see, for too long Hogwarts has had only one Head of House per House, making up our four Heads of House."

"Another mathematical achievement," Septima muttered.

"Someone call the Nobel Committee," Burbage replied sotto voce.

"Precisely!" exclaimed Umbridge, clapping her hands in delight. "We are going to form teams, which stands for 'Together Everyone Achieves More'. Isn't that clever?"

Dumbledore frowned. "Hogwarts is already divided into Houses, or teams, Dolores," he said, "Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, and Gryffindor."

"That's the student body," Umbridge replied slowly. "The teachers will be working in teams, too, the same teams, in fact! I've divided the staff into their previous Houses, so they can work together. It's such a simple plan, really, I don't know why it wasn't thought of before this."

"I can assure you that everyone here works together regardless of former House affiliation," Minerva asserted quickly.

"You're wasting your time, Minerva," Septima Vector whispered. "Remember Mark Twain's advice. 'Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience'."

"Such a simple plan, a masterful plan is the measure of a true genius," Snodbury declared, trying to worm his way back into Dolores' good graces.

"Thank you, Curriculous," she answered softly. "Why don't you read aloud our new teams. I believe you have the list."

"I'd be honored," he replied before clearing his throat loudly. "Team Gryffindor will consist of Minerva McConnell, Rudius Hagrid, Cuthberm Binns, and Yolanda Hooch."

"McConnell? You've gone and put me in the wrong clan! The name's McGonagall and be sure to spell it right." Minerva snorted. "And while you're at it, this man's name is Rubeus."

"Hey, my name is Rolanda," Hooch corrected him. "And that's Cuthbert. You got our names wrong, too."

"Excuse me?" Curriculous gazed up from his paper. "Oh, yes, yes, I'll make the corrections." He made a quick notation on his paper. "Now, where was I? Team Hufflepuff will be Romona Sprout, Charity Verbage, Bathsheda Bubbling, and Pompy Pomfrey."

Charity sighed loudly as she said, "My name is Burbage." Then, she pointed to her coworkers as she added, "She's Pomona, not Romona. Bathsheda's last name is Babbling, not Bubbling, and our Matron is Poppy, not Pompy."

Snodbury blinked rapidly, clearly confused. "Of course," he murmured absently, making no attempt to correct his mistakes. "Next, we have Team Ravenclaw, which is comprised of Finial Flitwick, Settima Vector, Irma Pounce, and Basil Trelawney.

Flitwick shook his head. "Let it go. Just let it go," he murmured to Vector. "I'm sure he's doing the best he can."

"Slytherin will be, the High – " An impatient clearing of Umbridge's throat reminded him of his near slip. " – Professor Dolores Umbridge, Anora Sinistra, and Snape."

The Astronomy professor rolled her eyes.

"Master Snape." Professor Severus Snape's voice was as dark and deadly as his reputation. "You will refer to me by my proper title – Master Snape – or not at all."

Eyes bulging from their sockets, Snodbury stared at the man rumored to be one of the most dangerous of the Death Eaters. Quickly, he stammered a desperate apology and slunk deeper into his chair.

"Okay," Hooch asserted, "now that we've spent nearly an hour of our precious time learning what we already know –"

Pomona Sprout gently nudged her friend's side. "What Rolanda means is, what are were supposed to do with this new information?"

Dolores heaved an impatient sigh. "These new teams will be of immense help to you. I can't see why you don't understand."

"They may not yet have the ability to synthesize the theoretical into a more practical means to revolutionize the future through assessment-driven trans-disciplinarity units of measure within the new paradigms in which they will be working," Curriculous responded smoothly. "Ah, but give them time, and they will learn."

"I'm sure you're right, Curriculous," Umbridge replied. "To answer your question - you will be working together in your Teams to improve your P.I.S.S and C.R.A.P. scores, up-dating H.E.L.L. forms, getting those S.T.D numbers up, and completing any other work we might do," Dolores answered perkily. "Working together will also help you finish preparing your new classrooms for those who'll be moving…."

"Moving?" Flitwick demanded. "Precisely who will be moving, to where, and for what reason?"

"So that you'll be closer to your other team members," Dolores answered him. "Really, Filius, I would have thought the Head of Ravenclaw would have been able to figure that out."

At this point, Dumbledore spoke up. "Dolores, this is unnecessary. I'll not have my staff uprooted like this in the middle of the year." He held out his hand forestalling her arguments. "I understand the Ministry's position regarding the emphasis on the new paperwork and new charms technology, but surely, there is no need for a physical move in the middle of the academic year."

"Albus," she told him, "I'm afraid your feelings no longer matter." She smiled grandly at his frown. "I have just been appointed High Inquisitor, and your position as Headmaster might just be redundant. I think now would be a good time for you to speak with the Ministry. Why don't you go do that?"

Dumbledore's face went scarlet. The room went absolutely silent as waves of heated power rolled off the angry wizard. For a moment, Dolores Umbridge regretted her ill-timed words. But years of practice had taught Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore restraint, and the Headmaster plastered a smile on his face. Slowly, he rose from his seat and addressed his staff. "If you will all excuse me, I believe I have somewhere else to be."

"Albus, surely, those idiots at the Ministry won't dare get rid of you!" McGonagall argued.

Dumbledore sighed and smiled wearily. "I fear I am in just as much danger of being sacked as the rest of you." He looked at Minerva, a mild twinkling returning to his eyes. "Idiots notwithstanding."

The room remained silent long after the quiet snick of the door closing behind Dumbledore. Finally, Umbridge dared speak. "Now, to continue, Hagrid and Hooch, you'll need to relocate yourselves to one of the classrooms near Minerva."

"All righty," Hagrid agreed. "If you say so, but it'll be right hard to bring some of the bigger critters into the castle like hippogriffs and all." He shrugged. "It'll make a sore lot more work for poor Filch, though."

"Have you lost your mind, Dolores?" Hooch asked angrily. "I can't hold flying classes indoors!"

"Half of the year, you'll be teaching from a newly published textbook. The Ministry has already purchased a classroom set as well as sent out notices for parents of students taking your class to purchase one as soon as possible," Umbridge shot back, "so you will need an indoor classroom."

"You can't learn to fly from a book!"

"I do hate to contradict anyone," Snodbury inserted himself into the conversation, "but my new book aims to do just that. It's the theory of flying, you see? I've specifically created it so that the design is intuitive to the curriculum across cognitive and affective domains at the same time. Once a student has mastered the theory, it's just – "

"Shut it!" Umbridge yelled. "I will have quiet." She inhaled deeply, trying to distract herself from the venomous glares Rolanda Hooch was sending her. "Irma, you need not move the library –"

"Well, isn't that a blessing," Pince mumbled with sarcastic sourness.

"Septima, you and Sybil will need to move to the third floor near Filius." She glowered at Trelawney. "Then, again, maybe Sybil will do better where she is. Contained in her tower."

"I've been in that classroom for nearly fifteen years," Septima Vector said. "Moving is going to be difficult. Couldn't we try –"

"I won't ask Poppy to move the hospital wing," Dolores pushed on, ignoring everyone, "but Pomona, Bathsheda, and Charity will need to relocate to the classrooms near the library."

"What about the greenhouses?"

"Do you have any idea how many Muggle devices I'll have to move?"

"Ridiculous!"

"I will not be moving," Severus Snape asserted. "Aurora will have to – "

"Severus Snape!" Aurora exclaimed. "How ungentlemanly of you!" She tried to stare him down. It didn't work. "Oh, never mind, most of my classes are at night anyway."

Dolores dusted her hands together as if the matter was settled. "I'd also like to see all the classrooms repainted over the up-coming holidays. A nice, cheery modern take on your team color. A happy mustard yellow for Hufflepuff, a bright neon blue for Ravenclaw, brick red for Gryffindor, and a lime for Slytherin."

"So, you'll be moving your classroom to the dungeon, too, will you, Dolores?" Minerva McGonagall demanded loudly. "Getting rid of all that pink, will you?"

"Our meeting is now half finished," Umbridge announced, ignoring Minerva. "Part one of our two-part meeting is over. We will now begin part two."

"Oh, what joy," Severus dead-panned.

"That's the spirit, Severus!" Umbridge cheered. "Now, part two is about our new testing program. Oh, don't look so glum. This is guaranteed to help you. The data that will be generated from our new testing plan will be immeasurable."

"Immeasurable data," Vector echoed. She nodded her head mockingly before adding in a decidedly sarcastic tone, "Oh, that'll be a great help."

Umbridge agreed, "If only everyone had your foresight to recognize the benefactors of this new testing, Septima, we'd all be so much better off."

Aurora tilted her head slightly towards Snodbury. She whispered to Severus, "Oh, we know who the benefactor is, don't we? I'll bet he created the testing materials, too."

"Always follow the money," he murmured back.

"What testing are you suggesting?" Burbage enquired.

"Not suggesting, Charity," Dolores corrected her. "Ministry approved and required testing, but it won't begin until January." She cleared her throat and continued in her prissy tone. "Professor Snodbury has simply outdone himself with his most recent published work. Curriculous, please give each staff member a copy of his or her new curriculum."

Shouts of "New curriculum?" rang from the rafters.

"Order! I will have order!" Dolores screeched like a banshee in pain. "There's no need to shout. The new curriculum won't go into effect until January along with the new Ministry testing program. So, you'll have plenty of time to study it."

"We already give exams over material once we've covered it!" exclaimed Babbling. "What about teacher-made tests?"

"And the N.E.W.T. and O.W.L. exams?" demanded Flitwick. "What of those?"

"Oh, we'll still use those," Umbridge affirmed. "My goodness! You're acting like two tiny extra exams will be a burden! The Ministry could have added a mid-month test as well, but we thought that two would be sufficient." She huffed an exaggerated sigh. "Just take a moment to look them over!"

A moment of silence followed her bellowed request as the staff took the time to begin reading through their newest Ministry approved materials.

"There's a problem with this new Transfiguration curriculum," Minerva stated. She pointed to the first page. "Nothing is divided by year level. Every spell is simply listed in alphabetical order. That's not how Transfiguration works."

"There's more than one problem," Snape added. "This so-called curriculum defies all logic. According to this curriculum, you have first years working from Advanced Potion Making while the sixth years are still using the basic text."

"Not to mention the grammatical mistakes," Aurora Sinistra remarked disdainfully. She flicked the offending document away.

"Now, I don't doubt there will be a few bumps to iron out. The Ministry rushed me to printing before I could proofread," Snodbury said. He laughed. "I like to say the ink on my paycheck and the ink on the new curriculum dried at the same time."

"What did I say?" Snape muttered to Sinstra. "Always follow the money."

Snodbury laughed again. "We'll just consider this to be a learning experience. I'm sure by next year, we'll be swimming along just peachy like one of those Muggle airships."

"The Hindenburg?" Burbage muttered.

"Fine," Sprout cried in despair, "fine, just fine. We have a new curriculum. We know who's on which team. We know where to go."

"Someone should tell the toad where to go," Irma Pince muttered darkly.

Pomona continued, "So, why do we need new tests on top of the other ones? I mean, won't we be testing the poor students to death?

"The sole purpose of these two tests is to measure how well you've done your job." High Inquisitor Dolores Umbridge ignored the outraged cries of the Hogwarts staff and launched into her monotonous lecture voice. "The difference in student scores from the pre-test to the post-test will count towards your A.S.S. score. Remember those? Part of your yearly evaluations are based on how your students score on these tests. And, of course, you'll have to complete a H.E.L.L form for each failing student, but we've covered that before!"

The Divination teacher blinked owlishly behind her glasses. "But, but, but," she stammered, wringing her hands together. "I've finished my paperwork. All those H.E.L.L forms!" She brushed away the hair from her face with her wrist, snagging her bracelets in the tangled mass. "Played merry hell with the Inner Eye, I can assure you." She paused, struggling to disentangle her hand from her hair. "Finished them, though. Um, can someone – " She yanked hard, jerking her head to her shoulder.

"Pardon me, Sybil," Filius Flitwick said gently, "but I'd like some clarification about these tests." He turned to address the elephant in the room. "What can you tell us about them? And when will we get to see them?"

"You won't be allowed to see them before hand," Umbridge told him, "and no teacher will be allowed to handle either test. We wouldn't want our data to be contaminated."

Minerva slammed her fist on the table. "Are you suggesting," she barked, "that a Hogwarts teacher would cheat?"

"Not you, of course," Dolores quickly assured the angry Scot. "But there may be some who aren't as, shall we say, as good of a teacher as you." She shot a quick glance at Trelawney.

"But I have finished my H.E.L.L forms," Sybil insisted. "I've even turned them in to you. No one else has even started working on them!" She tried to gesture around to her colleagues. "Ouch!"

"Those things? I threw them away! You'll simply have to redo them," Umbridge informed her imperiously, "all of them."

Sybil Trelawney looked like she was about to cry. "You threw away all my H.E.L.L forms? All my hard work? But, but, why? Why must I redo all my work?"

Dolores twitched her nose and gave Trelawney a disgusted look. "You used blue ink," she said simply. "If you'd read your teacher's handout I gave you at our first meeting, you'd have known to use black."

With a supercilious sneer, the High Inquisitor pointed her wand at Sybil. "Diffindo!" she shouted, suddenly separating the Divination teacher's bracelet from her hand. Beads flew everywhere!

Sybil stared at her suddenly free wrist, turning it front and back. Gingerly, she reached up and patted her head, feeling for her missing bracelet. Slowly, she managed to pluck a few beads from her hair. "That was my grandmother's," she whispered.

"Dolores," Flitwick prompted, "the tests? What can you tell us about them?"

"The pre-test will consist of ten short, multiple choice questions, and the post-test is even shorter – only three questions, so it shouldn't really take up much of your class time."

Bathsheda Babbling snorted. "Multiple choice? More like multiple guess! Although some scores will reflect actual growth in learning, many more will be random, haphazard guesses!"

"Worse, Bathsheda," Flitwick added, "as there are only three answers on the post-test a student cannot miss even one question! Two out of three is a 67, which is a failing grade."

"Which will cause us, as their teacher, to have a failing piss score," Aurora Sinistra interjected dryly. "Or was that a crap score?"

"I don't think it matters," Severus remarked.

Umbridge glared sourly at the lot of them. "I think this meeting is over!" She stood abruptly, knocking over her chair with a clatter. She pointed a pink-tipped, sausage-like finger at them. "What I want from each Team, here, is a list of five reasons why it's a good idea for the teachers to work in House Teams. I want one copy with the same four reasons from each of you!"

Storming towards the door with a semi-graceful waddle, she quickly whirled around. "And I want it on my desk by no later than nine in the morning! Come along, Curriculous!" Heaving herself around again, she threw herself from the room, slamming the door behind her, giving Snodbury just enough time to scoot through the door.

"All right, Ravenclaws, that's just one reason each," sighed Flitwick. He pulled out a parchment and quill. "I'll write them down, cast a couple of geminos, and we'll be done."

"We'll create one list," Minerva told him, "and make fourteen copies."

"Fourteen copies of the same thing?" questioned Septima.

Minerva shrugged. "Why not? She didn't say we couldn't, and it's not like she's going to read them."

"Number one," shouted Charity Burbage, "there's safety in numbers. Right, Sybil? We've got your back." She handed her three more beads.

"I've got number two," Hooch called out. "We can help each other complete tasks – like this stupid one."

"Three," Pince stated, "it will make it easier for those of us who are not in the classroom to know what's going on."

"It helps Heads of House in dealing with students of the opposite sex, like Miss Bulstrode," Aurora Sinistra remarked suggestively. "Doesn't it, Severus?"

Every eye in the room immediately turned to the blushing Potions Master.

"What's this?" demanded Minerva. "There'd better not be anything untoward –"

"How dare you!" Severus shouted. "I have done many dark deeds, but never have I even entertained such as you're suggesting, you evil minded harridan!"

"Oh, no, it was nothing of the sort!" exclaimed Aurora, defending her fellow Slytherin. "Minerva, you owe Severus an apology. Nothing inappropriate happened with Miss Bulstrode." She smiled. "Severus treated her most chivalrously - unlike the way he treated me earlier, insisting that I, a lady, be the one to move classrooms." She sniffed at him.

Severus snorted. "Touche," he muttered.

"Whatever Slytherin word games the two of you are playing doesn't concern me," Minerva blurted out. "What does concern me is the possibility of impropriety at this school. There'll be no wild rumors spread. So, spill the beans." She crossed her arms and glared at the two teammates.

"Millicent Bulstrode came to my office last Wednesday night," Severus said calmly. Taking a deep breath, he lowered his voice to a whisper, and rushed out the words. "Shesaidshewenttothebathroomandwasbleedingandaskemeifsheweregoingtodie."

"Oh, my," Poppy Pomfrey murmured. "She's a bit late, isn't she?"

Severus jerked his shoulders up. "How the bloody hell should I know?" He thrust an awkward hand towards Aurora. "I sent her to Sinistra!"

"What'd he say?" Bathsheda Babbling asked. "All I heard was mumbling. These young people these days! Mush-mouths the lot of them!"

"He said that Millicent Bulstrode told him that she went to the bathroom and was bleeding. Poor girl thought she was going to die," Minerva clarified. "Severus, I apologize."

"Poor girl?" echoed Flitwick. "Poor Severus!"

"Too right, P'rfessor," Hagrid agreed with a shudder.

"Just think, Severus," Pomona Sprout told him. "How much trust that girl has in you. It's an honor that she came to you with something this momentous."

Snape stood and left the room without a word.

Flitwick cleared his throat. "I'll make fourteen copies," he said, holding the parchment aloft, "and put them on Umbridge's desk. Meeting adjourned."