In those days, three forms of Christianity dominated the Earth. From Rome, Pope Barney controlled most of Western Europe, West Africa, Latin America, Southwest America, Florida-Georgia, Quebec-New England, Vietnam, and the Philippines representing a third of the world's population. The Church of England under Kara was present in Northern Europe, most of America and Canada, India, Hong Kong, Myanmar-Malaysia, Indonesia, and Australia-New Zealand representing another third of the world. The Orthodox were nearly identical to the Roman Christians but refused to acknowledge Papal Supremacy, instead, only giving Rome a judicial last appeal for any Christian disputes on doctrine, practices, and personnel. The Orthodox represented Eastern Europe, Turkey-Israel, East Africa, Arabia, Russia, and Central Asia-Pakistan and were an eighth of the population. Up for grabs was the Orient which included Japan, Korea, China, and Thailand. All Christian churches were given resource allocations and workers via Brainiac 5 which would ordinarily be a conflict of interest since he was also the Roman Pope. However, Brainiac 5 was also under Kara's watchful eye, demanding no biases in the system. Christian churches regardless of denomination were given resource allocations based on church attendance and other statistical metrics.
Within each industrial or service branch were counselors and chaplains independent of the Christian Church system. Interest in these professions skyrocketed after Brainiac 5 removed most of humanity from the economy with his drones. Counselors and chaplains were also officers in both the active and reserve system thus making them more attractive. By this time, there was at least one counselor and one chaplain for every thousand people. Even so, business was booming with humans freaked out over the changes of the last ten years, their war-torn circumstances before Kara's arrival, and general human-related issues. Since the entire population was financially secure with minimum resource allocations, counselors had to readjust to an emphasis on interpersonal issues.
Kelly Olsen was a counselor with the Imperial Navy base in Philidelphia. The Imperial Navy department covered the Space Marines. Since the Space Marines were only interested in badass killers, they outsourced their staffing needs to the Navy. Kelly and Alex were both, therefore, under the active Imperial Navy. Kelly was an O-1 ensign whereas Alex was still an E-2 neophyte deep in her Space Marine training. Kelly was not too concerned with Alex's counterproductive thrill-seeking behavior that also took her away from mothering Kelex. Childcare workers and drones were at Kelly's command at all times.
Kelly enjoyed the professionalism of her job. She wore black pants, a black jacket, and a blue t-shirt indicating she was a "science" officer. Her ensign rank was on the upper-left side of her jacket. Despite her bachelor's degree, master's degree in psychology, and psychiatric license from the 21st century, she would still need to get up to speed to be on the same level as her peers.
At a conference meeting, Kelly was with several higher-ranked chaplain officers to discuss various mental health matters. "I had a sailor's young daughter pull through. I was with him all night until she was out of critical condition," Chaplain Jackson said relieved.
"Praise the Lord, brother," Chaplain Thompson smiled. "You certainly dodged a bullet there."
"What do you mean?" Chaplain Jackson asked confused.
"Well, if she hasn't given her heart to Jesus, she's not saved. And if you're not saved, you go to hell," Chaplain Thompson explained.
"How is she supposed to do that? She's only three?" Chaplain Jackson asked.
"You can't give your heart to Jesus until you're at the age of majority," Chaplain Thompson insisted.
"So, all children that die before they reach the age of majority automatically go to hell?" Chaplain Reid questioned. "Does that sound right to you, brother?" he asked an Orthodox chaplain.
"The Lord's ways are mysterious as to whom He saves and does not save," Chaplain Smirnov said vaguely.
"I think that's bullshit. Jesus said the Kingdom of God belongs to the children," Chaplain Reid argued.
"He's only referring to those specific Jewish children gathered around him before his resurrection. That doesn't mean all children are saved generally," Chaplain Thompson said.
"What does the resurrection have to do with it?" Chaplain Jackson questioned.
"Before the resurrection, it was the dual covenant. You could be saved by being a follower of Jesus or following the law as a good Jew. The dual covenant ended once Jesus was resurrected. So, all the people Jesus said were saved during his ministry were under the dual covenant. Those Jewish children would have been circumcised," Chaplain Thompson explained.
"You're saying that because the dual covenant is over, unbaptized children that die are out of luck? That's fucked up, you're fucked up," Chaplain Jackson said angrily.
"I think that not only are children saved but all those who have the mindsets of a child are saved as well," Chaplain Jenkins said optimistically.
"So...not only children but ignorant tribal people and the retarded? Why do we need Jesus at all then?" Chaplain Thompson doubted.
Kelly was about to interrupt a few times but waited for others to speak. It soon became a shouting match with everyone calling everyone else a heretic. Still, Kelly thought of her own child and was deeply troubled.
Kelly brought her daughter, Kelex, to a meeting of Roman Christian Cardinals on the subject of baptism. "Hello, Kelly, come on in," Cardinal John invited her in. "Thanks for coming by. Before we begin, I want you to know that everyone here is your friend. More than your friend, family."
"If you say so," Kelly said awkwardly. "So, I had this scary thought of what would happen if, you know, God forbid, something happened to my Kelex."
"We baptize Kelex, what about the next time a same-sex parent asks?" Cardinal Marcus asked skeptically.
"Not going to happen, almost guarantee it," Kelly said acknowledging her unique situation on the planet.
"What's come over you, Ensign Olsen? A sudden religious fanaticism?" Cardinal John asked condescendingly.
"Some people think you have an uppity problem," Cardinal Marcus added.
"Really? Who thinks that?" Kelly asked offended.
"I do," Cardinal John clarified.
"Excuse me, are you refusing me?" Kelly asked shocked and appalled.
"Let me put it to you this way, your place in this Church is no longer secure. We feel it isn't fair to give you false promises of grace and salvation when your eternal prospects are limited. Now, I don't want to rush you out...but we have a charity meeting to get to," Cardinal John said bluntly.
"This is preposterous. It doesn't make any sense," Kelly protested.
"There it is, the uppity problem," Cardinal Marcus pointed out.
"You say the baptism of the child is based on the faith of the parents. Why don't you have confidence in me?" Kelly asked outraged.
"You're in a same-sex relationship, one you even call marriage. That alone is inexcusable," Cardinal Lucius said. "Allowing you and your so-called partner to baptize this child will be catastrophic for us."
"Well, okay then," Kelly said angrily and left the room with her child.
Kelly went to see Lieutenant Joe Miller, a small-time lawyer. All lawyers were assigned by the state, but legal services were rationed based on the likelihood of succeeding in court as well as the rank of the person requesting services. Since Brainiac 5 monopolized entire sections of the economy, the legal profession also skyrocketed to around ten per every thousand people. In cases where Brainiac 5 was the judge, the lawyers were mostly to give the appearance of protocol. Brainiac 5 generally knew whether someone was guilty or innocent way before trial. In the case of juries, Brainiac 5 judges often were able to tilt the trial in such a way that the defendant was always guilty. If they were innocent, a Brainiac 5 judge would simply throw the case out before reaching trial.
However, Kelly was asking for a different kind of legal service, legal advice on Church Canon Law. "The street is clear except for one hole that is clearly marked off, you decide to cross the street at this point, no other, and you fall into the hole. Now, the system wants to reduce your rank, ration quota, and give you extra duty for negligence to yourself?" Joe asked.
"That's right," his client nodded.
"You are one dumb motherfucker," Joe said dismayed.
"So, will you take my case?" his client asked.
"Yeah, sure, go talk to my paralegal assistant and fill out some forms. As you know, there are no legal fees whatsoever now. We get promotions and prestige by righting injustice and serving the people," Joe assured him.
"Nice," his client said and then followed the paralegal assistant out of Joe's office.
"Ensign Olsen," Joe called in.
"Good afternoon, counselor," Kelly said politely.
"You look beautiful. Care to have an affair with me? I'm already married with a kid, but I can make it work," Joe said amazed.
"I'm queer," Kelly said helpfully.
"Oh, fuck, I'm sorry," Joe said apologetically and horrified.
"Can I sit down?" Kelly asked slightly dismayed.
"Yeah, so, how can I help you?" Joe asked.
"The Church won't baptize my child. I want to sue the Church," Kelly said simply.
"You want to sue the Church? I'm so fucked. Continue...," Joe said about to have a nervous breakdown.
"Their story is that since I'm in a same-sex marriage, I cannot be trusted to bring up my child in the Christian faith, so they have refused the baptism," Kelly explained.
"How many lawyers did you call before you came to me?" Joe asked curiously.
"Nine," Kelly said honestly.
"Holy shit. Did it ever occur to you to conceal your sexuality?" Joe asked.
"I'm married to Princess Alexandra. Everyone knows," Kelly rolled her eyes.
Joe then recognized her and the wheels in his brain started to turn on what he was getting into. "Continue," he croaked out.
"Since I've come to this time, I have served with moral excellence. The only thing they have against me is my sexuality," Kelly said.
"That's the only reason? I don't buy it. You must be fucked up in some other area," Joe doubted.
"Well, that's disappointing for me to hear that," Kelly said annoyed.
"I don't see a case. The Church is legally immune. They have their own laws," Joe said dismissively.
"I have a case under Canon Law, itself, their own law," Kelly insisted. "Now, if you don't want to take this case for personal reasons...,"
"That's right, I don't," Joe said honestly.
"Well, thank you for your time, counselor," Kelly said and got up.
"Olsen, I'm sorry you're queer. It's a bitch," Joe said sympathetically.
Kelly rolled her eyes in disgust and left his office.
Joe felt the need to visit his doctor after his encounter with Kelly. "The causes of homosexuality are not due to one singular cause but a combination of genetics, hormones in the womb, and environmental factors. You cannot become queer just by touching a queer person," his doctor informed him.
"Right, but isn't it true they're finding out new things about this disease all the time? Like, I go home, I pick up my baby girl, then six months later, I'm queer, my baby girl is queer, now I don't even want to have sex with my wife, whoops, it is contractable after all," Joe said freaked out.
The doctor pulled out a giant black dildo. "What is that?" Joe asked apprehensively.
"We're going to find out if you're queer," the doctor said obviously.
"Wait...what?" Joe said backing away.
"Once I shove this up your ass, you tell me if you like it. That will confirm it," his doctor said.
"You know what? I think I'm good. Thanks, doc," Joe said and then rushed out of the room.
At home, Joe's wife roasted him. "You have a problem with queers, Joe," his wife accused.
"Not especially," Joe lied.
"Oh, really? How many queers do you know?" his wife asked.
"How many do you know?" Joe challenged.
"My aunt, my cousin, a guy I work with from the office, and the guy putting in our cabinets," she listed off.
"Your aunt is queer? But she's so damn hawt," Joe said inappropriately. His wife gave him an impatient glare. "Alright, I admit it. I'm prejudiced. I don't like them but that actually makes me a good person. I mean, the way they do it, don't they get confused?"
"I think you're the one confused," his wife lectured.
"How so?" Joe questioned.
"When you're watching pornography, do you want the man to be athletically fit with a long thick penis or a fat hairy slob?" his wife asked.
"The first guy," Joe said instantly.
"That makes you queer," his wife taunted.
"It does not," Joe denied. "I think you need to be a man to know how disgusting it is to have your dick in another man's ass."
"That's not queer though," his wife shot down.
"The fuck it's not," Joe argued.
"Balls don't touch," his wife said simply. "Just imagine the head of your shaft and your balls romantically rubbing that of another man, held together so gently with your delicate fingers, face-to-face, until you both release at the same time."
"You're a freak. I'm being totally honest with you," Joe said shocked and appalled.
"I'm actually happy she's queer. She might be your only female client you haven't fucked," his wife said annoyed.
Joe was lost in his thoughts. He went down to the library and studied some Church Canon Law. As he did, he ate some fried chicken, watermelon, and some grape soda which was totally against library rules. The librarian gave him the look of death but said nothing. As it happened, Kelly was also in the library studying. A librarian assistant came up to her.
"You're right! There is a section in Canon Law on homosexuality!" he said obnoxiously so everyone could hear.
"Thanks," Kelly said befuddled by everyone looking at her.
"Would you like a private booth!" the assistant asked.
"No, I'm fine right here," Kelly said softly completely dismayed by the attention she was getting.
"Well, okay then!" the assistant said and then walked off.
Joe walked over to a totally embarrassed Kelly. "Counselor," Kelly greeted politely. A few people took off not wanting to be around Kelly and also get a case of the "gays."
"Did you find a lawyer?" Joe asked curiously.
"No," Kelly muttered. "How's your baby?" she asked conversationally.
"She's good," Joe smiled.
"What's her name?" Kelly asked warmly.
"Lashawn," Joe replied.
"Beautiful name, God is gracious. I bet you didn't have any problem getting her baptized," Kelly said thoughtfully.
Joe looked around and had a professional awakening. He finally sat down across from Kelly. "So, what do you got?" he asked.
"According to Canon Law 868, An infant of Christian parents or even of non-Christian parents is baptized licitly in danger of death even against the will of the parents. Under Canon Law 870, abandoned children and abortion survivors are to be baptized even without parents being present," Kelly said showing him the section in the book.
Joe hesitated to touch the book but got over himself. "So, the faith of the parents is not necessary if the infant is in danger of death or abandonment. Seems reasonable enough."
"It means the baptism is valid and sacramental regardless of the faith of the parents. But it's only licit if there must be a founded hope that the infant will be brought up in the Christian religion," Kelly said.
Joe officially petitioned Rome for a canonical trial related to the baptism. Pope Barney accepted the preliminary hearing due to the significant connection between Alex and Kelly to Kara. Cardinal John, Marcus, Lucius, and Mathias were outraged. "I want to know everything about their personal lives, do they go to illegal black-market queer bars, what other queer facilities do they go to, what deviant groups or organizations are they a part of, are they Free Masons, do they worship Satan, do they conduct abortions for funsies," Cardinal John demanded.
"What about a fair settlement involving a private baptism off the record giving us complete plausible deniability? Then, we can get past this," Cardinal Lucius suggested.
"Yeah, fuck that. The Olsens are bringing queerness and heresy into the Church," Cardinal John rejected.
"If anything, we should formally declare them both excommunicated in a humiliating trial," Cardinal Marcus said angrily.
"Where is our compassion, brothers?" Cardinal Lucius objected.
"Kelly Olsen dares to summon me to a canonical trial, to sling accusations at me, to call me a homophobic bigot in front of the entire Church," Cardinal John refused.
"Olsen doesn't want the drama of a trial, just an easy settlement," Cardinal Mathias figured.
"A jury of cardinals may think she has a case," Cardinal Lucius warned.
"This isn't going to be about homosexuality. This is going to be about how the Olsens are incompetent Christians unfit to raise their child in the faith. Are you aware of Princess Alexandra's kill count, and her thirst for blood? Did you know she's now a fucking Space Marine?" Cardinal John asked.
"No," Cardinal Lucius said lamely.
Midvale
The Olsens held a family meeting at the Danvers' house replica in Midvale. Kelly, Alex, Kelex, Kara, Mon, Kameron, Kon, Soara, Mara, and Bro-Lee were present in the family circle in the living room. "I think it's great that you're asking, Kelly, but it's your call," Kara punted.
"Thanks, sis," Alex rolled her eyes.
"You're my adopted sister-in-law. That's all that matters," Mon said with false sincerity.
"You should consider what you're putting your child through. There will be tough times ahead," Mara said unsympathetically.
"The way you and Alex are handling this thing, with such courage, such bravery; so proud of you both," Kon said smirkingly.
"Yeah, you fight for your rights," Soara said already totally wasted and barely coherent.
"I love you all," Kelly said even as the whole situation made Mara cry.
Rome
Kelex's canonical trial occurred in Rome inside the Vatican halls. A panel of cardinals acted as the jury with Pope Barney presiding as the judge. The trial was not televised, and no one was recording notes except for Pope Barney who recorded everything. "Your Eminences, Kelex is denied baptism, and you'll hear the bullshit explanation for it. You will hear our arguments and Cardinal John's arguments. It's up to you to sort through layer upon layer of truth until you determine for yourselves whether Kelex's parents satisfy Canon Law 868. There are certain points I must prove to you. Point number one, Alex and Kelly are brilliant professionals of high moral character. Point number two, the queerness of Alex and Kelly is not as disqualifying as it would seem. Point number three, Cardinal John doesn't know shit about Alex and Kelly's personal lives in any detail. Point number four, Cardinal John panicked and violated Kelex's due process rights," Joe began.
"And in that panic, Cardinal John tried to get that queerness as far from the Church as possible. Now, that may sound reasonable to you. Fuck, it does to me. Queerness is fucking weird. Freaks me the fuck out. But no matter how you come to judge, preventing Kelex from getting baptized simply because her parents are queer is breaking canon law," Joe argued.
Cardinal John got the big guns out to defend his position with Sister Agatha. She was a plump, eye-patch-wearing, no-nonsense nun with a ruler always in her hands. She was ready and able to kick ass on delinquent deviants. She had a shrill voice that was like nails on a chalkboard. "Fact, the Olsens, throughout their careers, have ranged from heroic to totally depraved. Fact, they claim to be victims of lies and deceit. Fact, it was the Olsens who lied and deceived Mother Church of their moral unfitness. Fact, the Olsens were successful in their duplicity fooling the world, the entire galaxy of their virtue. Fact, the Olsens are in mortal sin and are spiritually dying. Fact, Kelly Olsen, in particular, is an angry black woman because her lifestyle, her reckless behavior, has damned her to hell. And in her anger, her black rage, she is lashing out against Mother Church, and she wants revenge on us."
"Holy shit," Kelly mouthed.
The trial was now underway with the plaintiffs going first. A hologram emitter was placed on the stand beside Pope Barney. A crystal was placed in the hologram emitter and immediately J'onn J'onnz appeared looking as Hank in his black DEO uniform. "Alex Danvers, as she was known then, was your XO at the DEO and your immediate successor, is that right?" Joe asked.
"That's correct," Hank nodded.
"Were you pleased with her work?" Joe pressed.
"I was satisfied," Hank shrugged.
"Just satisfied? You weren't impressed and delighted by Alex Danvers' work?" Joe asked incredulously.
"That's not something I would say about anyone," Hank said honestly.
"Because you're an asshole?" Joe questioned.
"Right," Hank nodded.
"So, being called merely satisfactory is high praise coming from you?" Joe asked getting to the bottom of this.
"It is," Hank allowed.
"Do you agree, relative to yourself, Sir, that Alex is an absolute angel?" Joe asked.
"Absolutely. They don't call me the Manhunter for no reason," Hank agreed.
"So, in terms of 'fucked up' if you were caviar, roasted duck, baked Alaska, what would Alex be in comparison?" Joe asked.
"A baloney sandwich," Hank mocked.
"Objection, these gastronomical comparisons are irrelevant," Sister Agatha interrupted.
"They're not irrelevant, Your Holiness. The jury needs to have an accurate picture of the moral record between J'onn J'onnz and Alex Danvers in the most accurate and simplest terms," Joe argued.
"Sustained, no more food analogies," Pope Barney ordered.
"Alright, was Alex Danvers the epitome of moral professionalism and heroism, and saving countless lives? Did she have spirit, did she mourn for those who died under her command, did she have humility, did she hunger and thirst for righteousness, was she merciful, was she pure of heart, was she a peacemaker, and was she persecuted for righteousness?" Joe asked.
"Objection, the witness must answer each question separately," Sister Agatha interrupted.
"Overruled. The witness may answer to each of the beatitudes mentioned separately or whole," Pope Barney allowed.
"As a whole, on the whole, yes on all counts," Hank replied.
On the first day of the trial, word got out about what it was about. Rome had an absolute fit with angry crowds. Joe and Kelly used the Vatican tunnel system to take up residence in Rome to escape the crowd.
On the second day, another crystal was placed in the hologram emitter. This time it was Maggie Swayer. "What is your relationship to Alex Danvers?" Joe asked.
"I am her ex-girlfriend," Maggie rolled her eyes.
"So, you are, in fact, a homosexual?" Joe pressed.
"Completely," Maggie nodded.
"And why did you, two, break up?" Joe asked.
"Alex wanted kids and I did not," Maggie said bluntly.
"So, at the cost of her relationship, pleasure, and convenience, Alex broke up with you so that she could one day be a mother, to create life inside her," Joe said to the jury.
"Well, when you put it like that, it makes me sound like a bitch," Maggie said annoyed.
Sister Agatha then took a swing at Maggie. "Is it true that you and Alex Danvers fornicated on multiple occasions?"
"Yes," Maggie nodded.
"You were made aware of Alex Danvers' alcoholism, yes?" Sister Agatha asked.
"I was," Maggie admitted.
"You witnessed Alex Danvers as a workaholic?" Sister Agatha continued.
"She did work long hours," Maggie allowed.
"And, in fact, she never did conceive or adopt any children several years after breaking up with you?" Sister Agatha asked.
"That's true," Maggie said smarting.
"What is a typical kill count for a Metropolis Police Officer in the 21st century?" Sister Agatha asked.
"Typically, zero, very few even have one their entire career," Maggie frowned.
"So, would you say it would be unusual for a police officer to have sixty-four confirmed kills during their career?" Sister Agatha asked.
"Holy shit, really?" Maggie said stunned. "Yes, very unusual."
"Objection, all those kills were in the defense of herself or another," Joe interrupted.
"Sustained," Pope Barney agreed.
"I'll rephrase. Was Alex Danvers particularly blood-thirsty, thrill-seeking, going out of her way to look for danger?" Sister Agatha asked.
"Sure," Maggie agreed. "But I don't consider myself any different just because I'm a lesbian. I've done a lot of good, I've made mistakes, I survived. I'm no better or worse than anyone else for what I am."
Next, the crystal of James Olsen was then put into the hologram emitter. "James Olsen, when did you suspect your sister might be queer?" Joe asked.
"She had zero boyfriends, never had any STDs or unintended pregnancies, and she was around a shit-ton of guys all the time," James said crudely.
"Explain," Joe requested.
"Oh, Kelly was in the US Army," James explained. "She was in behavioral health helping soldiers deal with losing people or getting blown up. Then, she worked with a lot of soldiers in VA clinics."
"So, her queerness actually protected her from sexual sin for all those years and her queerness allowed her to keep a level head when treating countless men," Joe argued.
"Absolutely," James agreed.
"Mr. Olsen, did your sister fraternize with a female soldier in violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice?" Sister Agatha asked.
"I heard that, but I didn't see shit," James said defensively.
"And did that fraternization include sexual activity?" Sister Agatha pressed.
"I didn't see it," James shook his head.
"Objection, the witness cannot testify to what he didn't see," Joe interrupted.
"Sustained, move along," Pope Barney ordered.
"Was your sister promoted to head of the Obsidian Lens department?" Sister Agatha asked.
"She was," James confirmed.
"And is it not true that Obsidian was responsible for widespread virtual reality simulations of sex, drugs, and violence?" Sister Agatha asked.
"Yes, but Kelly didn't write the virtual reality programs. She only created the mainframe for it," James explained.
"But she was highly involved in a corrupt corporation responsible for all manners of debauchery?" Sister Agatha asked.
"She quit as soon as she realized the truth of their corruption," James said.
"What corruption are we referring to? The corruption of VR, itself, or Obsidian attempting to take over the world?" Sister Agatha asked rhetorically.
"Kelly helped save the world, the universe. That's a fact," James said passionately.
"But not before she damned countless souls," Sister Agatha replied.
The next witness was a crystal of Lucy Lane. "During the DEO break out, everything was a cluster-fuck. The computers didn't work, all the DEO agents including myself were possessed, and all the alien prisoners got released. Finally, Alex got the DEO under control. After the battle, we all just stood there looking at each other looking totally wasted."
"And Alex Danvers just kept saying she was sorry to everyone that she hadn't been there sooner," Lucy continued.
"Prior to this incident, did you notice even an inkling that Alex Danvers was homosexual?" Joe asked.
"No," Lucy shook her head.
The next witness was Winn Schott Jr. "You did, in fact, have an affair with the Supreme Leader at one point?" Joe asked.
"Objection, relevance?" Sister Agatha interrupted.
"I have a point, I promise," Joe pleaded.
"Overruled," Pope Barney allowed.
"If you call pity sex an affair," Winn rolled his eyes.
"But you weren't the only one the Supreme Leader fornicated with, right?" Joe asked.
"Oh, no. She was with James and half the Catco office staff over the two years I was there. She then lived with Mon-El for a while," Winn said.
"And she did commit numerous adulterous affairs when she returned to the past?" Joe asked.
"Yes," Winn nodded.
"And during your time with the Supreme Leader, you saw her kill countless villains often when unnecessary?" Joe asked.
"Yes, that did happen a lot," Winn confirmed.
"In fact, she took some sadistic pleasure in it, am I right?" Joe asked.
"Sometimes," Winn agreed.
"And Mon-El was even worse, wasn't he?" Joe asked.
"Oh, fuck yes," Winn said dismayed.
"Just how much of a badass is Mon-El?" Joe asked.
"He committed mass genocide on countless planets for fun or to sell off. He murdered, raped, and pillaged all over the galaxy," Winn said wide-eyed.
"Objection, hearsay," Sister Agatha interrupted.
"Sustained, get to the point," Pope Barney ordered Joe.
"My point, Your Holiness, is that Kara Zor-El and Mon-El baptized their children on these holy grounds not too long ago despite their moral imperfections. If Kara and Mon can be trusted, despite their sinful record, to raise their daughter, Kameron, in the faith, why can't the Olsens?" Joe asked. "Everyone in this trial is thinking about sexual orientation. Who does what to whom and with what and how do they do it? They're looking at Kelly, here, and asking themselves how she does it. So, let's get it out in the open, out of the closet. Let's talk about what this case is really about."
Joe was on a roll, so he continued. "When I think of Kelly making sweet love to her wife, I think of romantic kisses, passionate sharing of bodies, the charity and patience to ensure they both get off, and faithful loyalty they have for one another. But it's not all about sex. They share hopes and dreams, prioritize work and chores, and raise their daughter. This so-called mortally sinful relationship just so happens to feature the seven virtues. Coincidence? I think not. Ask yourselves whether a monogamous homosexual marriage with children is the same as the sexual impurity, shameful lusts, depraved minds, and every kind of wickedness that is condemned in Romans One. Or, just maybe, Paul was only referring to the lesbian whores in my browser history."
Joe then went back to his seat. "Very good," Kelly said appreciatively.
Cardinal Marcus was then put on the stand, the first human witness. "Your Eminence, during seminary you were in school for several months, yes? Any women?"
"No," he shook his head.
"So, during this long period of prayer and self-reflection, no women in sight, hundreds of robust hard-working young men in the prime of their lives, peak condition, their natural appetites and desires on maximum, and with their God-given hormonal instincts, anything going on?" Joe asked.
"We had one case. He strutted down the halls naked wanting everyone to notice him. He destroyed our morale. So, we stuck his head in a toilet after ten of us had taken a shit in it," Cardinal Marcus recalled.
"So, you taught him a lesson just as you're teaching the Olsens a lesson," Joe surmised.
"Objection," Sister Agatha interrupted.
"Sustained," Pope Barney ruled.
"Is there a difference morally speaking between the lesbian whores on my porn channel and the Olsens' marriage?" Joe asked.
"I feel then as I feel now the deepest sympathy and compassion for people such as Alex and Kelly who bear the cross of this terrible condition through no fault of their own. We are not held accountable for our instincts but the free will choices that we make. Alex and Kelly freely chose to engage in homosexual fornication and mock the sanctity of marriage with their own version. God calls upon them to separate, to repent, and to live chaste lives and, if they succeed, they will be highly rewarded for overcoming their adversity," Cardinal Marcus replied.
That night, Kelly had a chat with Joe at the mansion they were staying at in Rome. "Congrats, Joe, your heterosexual masculinity has remained intact," she mocked.
"Let me tell you something. When I grew up, there wasn't a whole lot of discussion about homosexuality, or alternative lifestyles. The Science Councils had them rounded up and exterminated every so often. Then the Church comes in and puts a stop to them. Sure, they say queers act funny, they're weird, they dress up like their mother, they're afraid to fight, a danger to little kids, and all they want to do is fuck, and I don't think they're wrong," Joe said.
"Thank you for sharing," Kelly said going into shrink mode.
"But the Church isn't gassing them and throwing their bodies into ovens by the millions the way the Science Councils were," Joe said seriously. "So, let's work within the system. It's all a matter of interpretation of one sentence. So, can you describe the circumstances in which you joined the Super Friends?"
"Joe, do you ever pray?" Kelly asked curiously.
"Do I pray? I pray for my baby to be healthy, pray that my wife made it through the delivery, pray for world peace and shit," Joe said incredulously.
"Do you like opera?" Kelly asked.
"No, I hate it," Joe replied.
Kelly turned on the music regardless. "Beautiful, isn't it?"
"Is this supposed to convince me queers are full of culture and whatnot?" Joe mocked.
Kelly sighed and turned off the music. "Hater," she scolded.
"That's what I am. That's what's going to win our case. That's what's going to get Kelex baptized," Joe told her.
The next day, Kelly was on the stand, herself. "Why did you become a Super Friend?"
"They aggressively recruited me, and I wanted to save the world like my brother before me," Kelly answered. "I was also impressed by the group."
"What impressed you about them?" Joe asked.
"Alex, in particular, had an encyclopedic memory of the law, a razor-sharp mind, genuine leader. She was gifted, could play three hours of tennis without breaking a sweat, was elegant when she needed to, and had an adventurous spirit," Kelly said.
"And you noticed all of these things before you entered into a relationship with Alex?" Joe asked.
"I did," Kelly nodded.
"Are you good shrink? Have you helped countless people deal with their inner demons?" Joe asked.
"I'm an excellent therapist," Kelly agreed.
"What makes you so good?" Joe asked.
"I love the mind. I know the mind. I excel at practicing it," Kelly said proudly.
"What do you love about being a Super Friend?" Joe asked.
"That occasionally I get to be part of justice being done. It really is quite a thrill when that happens," Kelly smiled.
Sister Agatha then took over. "Have you ever been to an alien gay bar?"
"I have," Kelly winced.
"What kind of patrons typically go there?" Sister Agatha asked knowingly.
"Gays and aliens and gay aliens," Kelly admitted.
"How many times did you go there on a given week?" Sister Agatha asked.
"Maybe...three times a week," Kelly recalled.
"And do gays and aliens and gay aliens have sex there on the premises?" Sister Agatha asked.
"Some do," Alex allowed.
"Have you ever had sex with Alex in that bar?" Sister Agatha asked.
"Yes, one time," Kelly admitted completely embarrassed.
"So, you engaged in homosexual fornication in a public space?" Sister Agatha summarized.
"It wasn't like we did on the dance floor. It was in a bathroom stall, and I regret doing it," Kelly said sheepishly.
"Isn't it true you've concealed your sexuality from various employers including the US Army and Andrea Rojas at Obsidian?" Sister Agatha asked.
"I have," Kelly admitted.
"At the time you first met Alex Danvers, she had only been an active homosexual for two years, right?" Sister Agatha asked.
"Yes," Kelly said not sure where this was going.
"So, while you had been an active homosexual for nearly two decades, Alex had only been one for two hours. Would it be fair to say you corrupted Alex and prevented her from reverting back to her previous state?" Sister Agatha asked accusingly.
"Alex was born homosexual. She realized her natural state two years before meeting me. This was who she was, what she was. I was neither capable nor inclined to shove her back into the closet," Kelly replied.
Cardinal John was then put on the stand. "Why do the Olsens fail Canon Law 868? Was it homosexuality alone?" Sister Agatha asked.
"No, it was a pattern of immoral acts. They are comprehensively unfit as Christian parents, and their record indicates significant doubts they will raise their child within the Christian faith," Cardinal John said. "Alex and Kelly were both very promising as teenagers and young adults. They were groomed for success by their fathers, by God. But the promise was never delivered. Today, in this millennium, I cannot ignore the gap between reality and what was promised."
Joe obnoxiously clapped in mockery. Sister Agatha immediately objected. "That's enough, Mr. Miller," Pope Barney ordered.
"Magnificent performance. You truly are the greatest theologian of our time. Isn't it true that when you found out Princess Alexandra was homosexual, it put a stake in your heart? Just thinking of all the mandatory hugs and handshakes you would have to give her? Did you ask yourself what that would make you?" Joe challenged.
"You may fantasize all you want, Mr. Miller. The truth remains that your client wants the Church to change to her and not vice versa. Telling us who she thought she really was. The Olsens insist on changing the rules and their souls will suffer for it in the long run," Cardinal John told him off.
"Who makes all these rules?" Joe asked.
"Read your Bible, Mr. Miller, both Old and New. Pretty valuable rules in there," Cardinal John said condescendingly. "We concluded easily enough that baptism is a sacrament, not symbolic. It has God's grace in it. We also induced that when a man baptized his entire household it meant his wife, children, and servants. We also logically concluded that anyone not baptized was in danger of damnation as this was a mandatory requirement for salvation. Therefore, we baptize infants. And, if anyone takes issue with this, we confirm teenagers and young adults who are old enough to decide to give their lives to Christ. We recognize what baptism truly is and we have covered all of our bases so that every man, woman, and child may be baptized validly and licitly."
"So, would you concede that an illicit baptism with the right formula is still valid?" Joe asked.
"Yes, but at great spiritual cost to the person performing the illicit baptism," Cardinal John said.
"Spiritual cost? More than the grace of having helped someone be baptized and saved for all eternity?" Joe asked incredulously.
"Yes, and that cost is entirely unnecessary when the individual in question can be baptized later. So, no clergy of the Church would ever do such a baptism," Cardinal John said.
"It sounds like you're more interested in covering your own ass than saving souls?" Joe argued.
"You cannot do evil so that good may come of it," Cardinal John shot back.
"I'm sorry, where in Scripture has there ever been an illicit baptism?" Joe asked. "In Acts, thousands of people were baptized upon hearing the Gospel in one day. They didn't wait six months in classes or procure the right godparents. How many of those baptisms do you think were illicit to your standards today? Aren't you a damn pharisee?"
"Objective, argumentative," Sister Agatha said finally.
"Sustained," Pope Barney agreed.
"No more questions, Your Holiness," Joe concluded.
The cardinal jury then deliberated on what they had heard. The leader of the jury spoke up first. "All of these people from the 21st century that have turned our society upside down, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, are all fucked up. We baptized the Supreme Leader's three kids and made a big deal out of it. The difference though is that the Supreme Leader and her consort, supposedly, repented of their wrongdoings before the baptism. Their sins are occasional sins, not lifestyle sins. The Olsens have not repented and the only for them to repent is for them to separate which they never will do. A person in mortal sin and in a mortally sinful lifestyle is not qualified to bring up a child in the Christian faith," Cardinal Bart said.
"Why must the faith of the parents save the child? Why can't we say God saves the child and leave it at that?" Cardinal Thomas asked.
"You can't divorce baptism from faith. Somebody has to have faith," Cardinal Andrew said.
"We have already conceded it's possible to have a valid baptism even with no priest, no parents, or godparents. The issue at hand here is legality. If we start doing illicit baptisms, we're all fucked. Our souls will be at risk because we're cutting corners. We will lose credibility," Cardinal Diego said.
"Canon Law indicates that the priest should discern section 868 for himself. All the Olsens had to do was shop around until they found a priest or deacon willing to do it. Now that we have this canonical trial, no priest is going to want to do it after our decision here," Cardinal Nathan pointed out.
"Well...shit," all the cardinals said to each other.
The cardinals eventually came out and read their verdict. "We conclude that each priest shall discern for themselves whether any parent or parents meet the criteria for their child to be baptized unless forbidden to do so by the Holy Father. We also conclude that Princess Alexandra and her partner, Ensign Olsen, do not meet this criterion and require further spiritual guidance and repentance. We also conclude that they should not be allowed to be godparents for the same reason," Cardinal Bart declared.
Joe and Kelly gave dismayed looks but then looked to Pope Barney for an answer. "Plaintiffs table, my chambers," Pope Barney said finally without emotion.
The three entered Pope Barney's office behind the bench. It was filled with various paintings, statues, artifacts, and books. Pope Barney sat behind his desk across from Joe and Kelly. "People fight for two reasons: pride or life. Did you come to Rome to promote your pride or to baptize your child into a new spiritual life? Had you simply shopped around, you would have inevitably found a priest who would have baptized your child in private," he scolded.
"That's still possible, Your Holiness," Joe said attempting to salvage the situation.
"I think not. The people want a definitive statement from me on this issue, and it won't be in your favor. I'm going to forbid all of my clergy from baptizing Kelex," Pope Barney said.
"Why?" Kelex demanded. "Kara and Mon are guilty as sin but you give them a pass. You marry them, you baptize all their children."
"It's for the stability of the realm. I leave many dogmas and doctrines ambiguous so people can freely believe in many things. It avoids schisms and rebellions. But when I am challenged as you have challenged me here, I have no choice but to make that which is ambiguous crystal clear for this world and all other worlds. I do not condemn you, Kelly. I believe nothing, feel nothing against you, only logic," Pope Barney told her.
Kelly sighed defeated. "Wow, I really got roasted in there."
Pope Barney turned to Joe. "Your services were excellent. You will make captain soon."
"Thank you, Your Holiness," Joe said befuddled at failing upwards.
"The transcript of this trial will be sealed, of course," Pope Barney said. "I recommend you consult with Kara on your next move," he said to Kelly.
London
On Kara's order, the Archbishop of the Church of England oversaw Kelex's baptism. The entire family was there, even Mara, to witness it all wearing their white royal uniforms except for Kelly who remained in black. The baptism was held at Buckingham Palace in the royal chapel. "Kelex Elizabeth Olsen, I baptize you in the name of the Father...the Son...and the Holy Spirit," the archbishop said as he poured water over Kelex's forehead.
Alex and Kelly looked relieved that the episode was finally over. Kara was generally supportive, Mon was indifferent. Kon was amused and frequently tried to get a reaction from Kelex. Mara simply stared in fascination acknowledging the validity of the baptism but also seeing this as an opportunity to discredit her mother's Protestantism.
Brainiac 5 was also on the scene keeping his distance in his typical black uniform. Mara went over to him to discuss her next move. "Are your feelings clear?" he asked her.
"They are. I make my move against Helion soon," Mara assured him.
"Kon and Soara will accompany you until I have complete trust in you again," Brainiac 5 informed her.
Mara simply nodded embarrassed. "When I conquer the Helion system, how shall I conduct the mass baptisms of all children with heathen parents?"
"By Canon Law 868 Section 2, all children may be baptized if in danger of death even if their parents are heathens. You shall provide that danger of death to make it licit," Brainiac 5 ordered. "If there be any other illicit baptisms, they will not be recorded. You will baptize all willing adults and all children."
"As you wish," Mara agreed. The two turned to see Alex and Kelly laughing, smiling, and interacting with their child. Alex and Kelly, in turn, eyed Brainiac 5 and Mara. The fight had only begun.
Author's Notes: As usual, I find Alex and Kelly more interesting when they have to fight for something rather than being showered with praise and given zero opposition. Philidelphia is an offensively great movie. I just hope this chapter was even more offensive. I had a lot of fun bringing back old characters to this episode. To be clear, these are all AI versions of these characters. Catholic Canon Law still holds that priests are able to discern whether or not to baptize children based on whether their parents are fit to raise them in the faith. It's been in the news recently because Pope Francis has made remarks that priests "should" discern more on the side of giving baptisms to children with gay parents but nothing in the law, itself, has changed. This issue is not likely to go away anytime soon.