Anti-Hero
"Ugh, can we go back to Toy Village? I could use another margarita," Mimi sighed.
"And another chimichanga," Tai smacked his lips.
"And a steak fajita," TK nodded.
"I didn't want to seem like a greedy asshole since Monzaemon was covering the bill, but I was so close to ordering down the food menu," Sora sheepishly said.
"That didn't stop some people from doing that with the dessert menu anyways," Gomamon smirked.
"Hey, we saved the day! I think we deserved a little treat," Patamon pouted.
"'We' saved the day? You guys were trapped in a vending machine the whole time! If it weren't for Mimi and I, you guys would still be stuck in that contraption, and none of you would have went to the Mexican restaurant!" Palmon scrunched up her face.
"Hold up, I'm not crazy after all! When did you guys go to a Mexican restaurant?" Matt stopped walking and put his hands on his hips.
"Uh...," everyone awkwardly looked in different directions, avoiding Matt's glare.
"And hey, how come we weren't invited? We like food too!" Joe whined.
"Uh...," everyone paused.
"Well, you see...you looked like you were having so much fun, we didn't want to interrupt you!" Palmon nervously laughed.
"Also, you called my clothes ugly so I don't care if you starve!" Mimi angrily pointed at them.
"Is that why you left us out? I never said anything about your clothes...I think," Joe rubbed his chin pensively.
"You know what? Your clothes are ugly, and so is your face!" Matt jabbed his finger in Mimi's direction.
"You know, if you were just a tiiiiiny bit nicer to me, you would have been enjoying margaritas and tacos- but oh well," Mimi casually shrugged.
"Oh, is that so?" Matt sarcastically scoffed.
"Guys, what's done is done! Can we move on? We're going to need to find a place to stay the night, and hopefully somewhere warm. It's starting to get a little chilly," Sora rubbed her arms.
"Yeah, I'm starting to get cold too," Mimi started to shiver.
"You see, if you girls didn't get your clothes at the BABY section, maybe you wouldn't be complaining as much," Matt smirked.
"Matt, your fashion commentary already cost you one meal ticket. Do you want to learn that lesson again?" Izzy shook his head.
"Hmph... just saying," Matt muttered under his breath.
"Here, it's not much but at least your core might keep a little warm. It's Patagonia," Joe slipped off his fleece vest and held it out to Sora.
"Are you sure?" Sora asked.
"I insist, take it," Joe nodded.
"Thanks. I appreciate it," Sora shyly smiled.
"Oooh...," Mimi mockingly cooed, her teeth clattering from the cold.
"Knock it off. Joe's just being nice," Izzy sternly said.
"Thank you, Izzy," Sora blushed.
"Or is there m-m-more?" Mimi teasingly winked, still shivering.
"Yeah, maybe he didn't want to see or hear her freezing to death, like you are. Just shut up and take this," Izzy whipped off his button-down shirt, tossed it at Mimi, and stormed ahead of the crowd.
"Thanks," Mimi sheepishly wrapped herself up in the shirt.
"Hey, I think he likes you," Biyomon whispered to Mimi.
"Yeah, he probably wants to kiss you," Palmon giggled.
"Okay, I get it! Joe was really only being nice! I won't tease Sora anymore, alright?" Mimi huffed, wrapping herself tighter in Izzy's shirt for warmth.
"Thanks guys," Sora mouthed to Biyomon and Palmon.
"Gah! Hey everyone! I hope you guys wore proper shoes, cause we've got snow ahead of us!" Tai said.
"Snow?! Really? What is wrong with this place? We've dealt with humid jungles, endless deserts, a waterless water park, a giant laundromat, only to end up in more endless deserts that led to a creepy town full of toys, and now we're basically in Alaska?!" Joe huffed.
"Okay, let's take a chill pill. I'm pretty sure Izzy's got an endless supply in his backpack-"
"Oh fuck off," Izzy interrupted Matt.
"Guys! Cut it out!" Sora snapped her fingers. "Look, I get it but we have to admit all we're doing is wandering around without any idea what we're doing! I think maybe we should park it right here and figure out what our next steps should be, before we attempt to cross the blizzard out there unprepared."
"She's right. We've gotten out unscathed the last couple of days, but who knows when our lucky streak will run out. I think while we're somewhere still a little calm and slightly manageable, considering the weather conditions, we should find a place to set up for the night and have a discourse on how to proceed. We're definitely not equipped to cross that blizzard the way we are in this moment," Izzy said.
"Damn...you redheads are right," Tai rubbed his chin.
"I'm so for it! I'm already tired of walking," Mimi yawned.
"Not gonna lie, but I'm okay taking a break for the night. My sexy calves are starting to grow sexy calves of their own, and it's a little freaky. I might have to start wearing long pants to cover them up and that's so not my aesthetic...," TK stuck his leg out and examined it disapprovingly.
"Okay, I think that settles it, we're turning in for the night!" Tai clapped his hands.
"Hey! I didn't get to have any input on this!" Matt yelled.
"Even if you did, majority rules," Tai shrugged.
"You-you-you...," Matt's eye began to twitch.
"Matt, do you really want to cross through that polar desert?" Sora shot him a skeptical look.
"Well no...but I still wanted to say my opinion anyways," Matt frowned.
"Hey guys, you feel that in the air? It feels warm!" TK stuck his arms out.
"What do you mean warm?" Joe raised an eyebrow.
"Stick your hands up in the air," TK said.
"And party hardy like you just don't care, heeeey- oh wait! I feel steam. Where is that coming from?" Tai looked around.
"Oooh, we should go that way! I see water too!" Patamon flew above the trees and stretched his stubby arm out. "Follow me, guys!"
"Water? I am kind of thirsty after all of the frozen margaritas," Tentomon buzzed.
"We did get a little carried away," Biyomon said.
"Those watermelon margaritas with the Tajin rim just have a chokehold on me. I fear it's my biggest weakness," Tentomon sighed.
"They were really good," Palmon nodded.
"Can you guys stop talking about how much of a goooooood time you had without us?" Matt crossed his arms.
"But you don't understand. We can't have a good time unless you're not there," Tai gently patted Matt on the shoulder.
"Jerk," Matt pushed Tai off of him.
"Oooh, look at all of these hot springs! It would so relaxi-owwww!" Mimi dipped her toe in the water and immediately pulled it back out.
"Ouch, that is a little hot. I wouldn't suggest anyone trying to jump in. You'll burn yourselves," Sora gingerly splashed the water through her fingers.
"Oh...," the digimon stopped in their tracks.
"At least the air is much warmer here. I don't feel as cold anymore," Tai waved his arms in the air.
"And the steam is going to so much wonders for my blackheads," Mimi leaned over one of the hot springs, fanning the steam closer to her face.
"How fascinating...," Matt snuck up behind her, ready to push her into the hot spring.
"Matt, don't even think about it! I see you," Izzy raised an eyebrow.
"What? I wasn't gonna do nothing!" Matt quickly slipped his hands behind his back and walked away.
"Hey guys, look what I found!" TK tapped on a fridge.
"Of course, the truffle pig always knows where to find the food," Tai sarcastically said.
"Hey, I may have gatekeeped it one time, but I'm letting you guys know now! I don't want to be on anyone's bad side anymore," TK defensively said.
"What's a random fridge just doing in the middle of a forest though?" Sora asked. "Do you think there's even food inside?"
"We won't know unless we open it!" Tai said.
"Whoa, don't you think that's wrong?" Joe gasped.
"..." everyone looked at him in silence.
"Because we don't know whose fridge this is?" Joe raised an eyebrow.
"..."
"Because we shouldn't be touching things that don't belong to us?" Joe swirled his finger in the air.
"..."
"Uh, Joe. You're preaching to an empty room. We're all degenerates- one of them being a self-admitted shoplifter," Tai pointed at Mimi.
"Hey! Why are you airing out my dirty business, you poop-stomper?" Mimi crossed her arms.
"I do it in the shower, so it's technically clean!" Tai yelled.
"Huh…," everyone stared at him.
"Uh, so are we opening the fridge or not?" TK dumbly asked.
"OPEN IT!" everyone shouted as Joe whimpered in the background.
"Alright! I hope you're hungry...hungry for- interesting?" TK swung the fridge doors open and frowned.
"I mean, beggars aren't supposed to be choosy, but...is it okay if it's just this once?" Tai grimaced.
"Yes, because this food doesn't belong to us anyways!" Joe turned red.
"Come on, whatever it is can't be that bad. What's in the fridge?" Izzy asked.
"Lots of Bud Light and packages of hot dogs," Sora peeked inside.
"Oh, the divorced dad diet. I'm an expert on this. It's just easier if I take care of it," Matt took the hot dogs out and started preparing them.
"Uh, thanks? Can I help out with anything while you get the hot dogs ready?" Sora asked.
"Nah. I guess if you guys just want to keep beering me, I'm good," Matt shrugged.
"Wow, Matt. That's really cool of you. Thanks," Tai blushed.
"Yeah, don't get pretty about it. I just don't want it to take forever to get my food," Matt rolled his eyes.
"Regardless of the reason, we appreciate it," Izzy said.
"Uh huh," Matt nodded as he pulled some hot dogs out of a hot spring.
"Beer and hot dogs. All we're missing is a nice baseball game," Tai cracked open a can of beer and leaned against a tree.
"I haven't been to a baseball game in a while," Sora nodded.
"I've never been to one. I don't understand baseball," Mimi frowned.
"Oh, it's easy to get! Even if you don't like it, just going to the stadium is fun in itself. We should all go one day!" Tai said.
"Do you actually mean that?" Izzy raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, what did I say?" Tai asked.
"Do you really mean that we'll all hang out with each other once we get back to the real world?" Matt asked.
"With the exception of Joe, I don't see why not. I think we make a pretty decent group," Tai shrugged.
"I think Tai needs to find what the word 'decent' means," Agumon whispered to the other digimon.
"Mmm hmm," they quietly nodded in agreement.
"At least he got the Joe part right," Gomamon remarked.
"Mmm, thanks for dinner, Matt!" TK crammed his hot dog in his mouth.
"Guys, it's seriously no big deal. Like I said, I just didn't want to wait forever for us to eat," Matt sipped at his beer.
"We still appreciate it," Biyomon chirped.
"I wish we were still back in the real world- you know what would go great with these hot dogs? Some chili and cheese on top," Tai licked his lips.
"I'm more of a relish and mustard kind of person," Sora said.
"I like peanut butter and marshmallow fluff on mine," Mimi sighed.
"Mimi, you know we're talking about hot dogs, right?" Tai grimaced.
"Yeah, I know... is that weird?" Mimi raised a eyebrow.
"I don't think so. I'll have to try it next time. My go-to is chocolate syrup and sriracha sauce," Izzy said.
"Ooooffffff course the two psychopaths of the group would have the weirdest topping choices for a hot dog. I shouldn't be surprised by now, and yet here I am," Tai groaned.
"Whatever happened to keeping it classic with just regular ketchup and mustard?" TK made a face.
"Absolutely not! Ketchup and hot dogs do not mix!" Sora feverishly shook her head.
"Wow, someone has a strong opinion about condiments," Tentomon whistled.
"Nothing against ketchup- I just don't think it belongs on hot dogs, that's all," Sora shrugged.
"But marshmallow fluff is fine?" TK grimaced.
"Yes, because it's not ketchup," Sora nodded.
"Can we switch topics? All this talk about toppings is making me sick," Joe frowned.
"You must like your hot dogs plain, don't you?" Tai squinted.
"What if I do?" Joe defensively huffed.
"Oh, it's nothing. We just wouldn't be surprised," Matt smirked.
"I bet you also like white bread, plain potato chips, vanilla ice cream, and chocolate chip cookies without the chocolate chips, pumpkin spice lattes, and Taylor Swift, huh?" Tai smiled mischievously.
"Oh, he's for sure Taylor Swift's biggest fan. He was making Swiftie bracelets back in that toy town like his life depended on it!" Matt cackled.
"So what? Is that a problem?" Joe pressed his lips together.
"Not necessarily...it just means you're boring and basic," Tai shrugged.
"Boring? Basic?" Joe gasped.
"You're so basic, your iPod nano doesn't even have a color- it's just silver...," Tai grimaced.
"And? Silver is close to white, which happens to be my favorite color," Joe crossed his arms.
"White? That's not even a color!" Tai cackled.
"Technically, you're both right. In one way, white is the result of all of the visible wavelengths of light reflecting, but on the other hand, white doesn't have a hue-"
"Shut up, Izzy. I'm just trying to drive the point home that Joe is basic," Tai smirked.
"Baaaasic!" Matt sneered.
"Boys, cut it out! Can we have a half-hour without someone making fun of someone else?" Sora huffed.
"That's wishful thinking," Izzy muttered.
"Sorry Joe. But here's the thing, I just don't think I've ever met anyone as basic and boring as you!" Tai exclaimed.
"Was that supposed to be an apology?" Agumon frowned.
"It sure didn't sound like one," Joe flatly said.
"I would call this guy a square, but squares have edge. In fact, they've got four of them, which is four more than Joey has," Matt smirked.
"So would that make him a circle?" Tai laughed.
"You want edge? I'll give you edge!" Joe snatched a beer can from TK's hand and emptied it on the ground.
"What the hell was that for? I didn't do anything," TK whined.
"Screw all of you, except Sora! I'm leaving- and don't think about following me!" Joe stomped away.
"We weren't planning to...," Tai hummed.
"Are you sure? I think maybe one of us should follow him, just to make sure he's okay," Sora frowned.
"He'll be fine, he's tall," Matt scoffed.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Sora made a face.
"Nothing. We just don't want to go," Matt shrugged.
"You guys are unbelievable! At this point, we should be working as a team-"
"Sora, are you going to lecture us, cause you're totally being such a buzzkill...," Tai dryly said.
"Forget it! I'll just go by myself! Biyomon, come on!" Sora motioned Biyomon over.
"Oh...really?" Biyomon sadly said.
"See how annoying it is when your human pet wants to help everyone?" Agumon sighed.
"Gomamon, you too! Shouldn't you be worried about Joe?" Sora crossed her arms.
"Uh... I'm drunk?" Gomamon fibbed.
"Bullshit, I can't believe you guys! You're coming with me!" Sora scooped Gomamon up from the ground and carried him in her arms.
"Hey! That was just supposed to be an excuse for me to stay here! What if I was really drunk? I'd be useless!" Gomamon whined.
"Good thing you're not drunk then," Sora quipped.
"Hey, hurry! Someone beer me!" Gomamon frantically flailed his flippers around.
"I got you!" TK cracked open a beer can and tossed it towards him, only for the beer to fall out of the can and spill all over Sora.
"Idiots. You're all idiots!" Sora's face turned a deep red. "Stop fooling around, we're going!"
"Okay...," Biyomon sadly hung her head down.
"I guess I have no choice since you KIDNAPPED ME!" Gomamon wriggled under Sora's grip as she stormed off.
"Hmm...I don't think I've seen Sora get that mad before. You think someone should follow them to make sure the digimon are safe?" TK petted Patamon.
"Agumon, let's go! We'll stay a couple steps behind so Sora doesn't see us. If anything suspicious happens, then we'll spring into action," Tai snapped his fingers.
"Tai, I swear to god, I will kill you...'Agumon, let's save this person, Agumon, let's do work that no one wants to do'. What about 'Agumon, let's take a nap', huh?" Agumon stiffly held out his arms and clinked his claws together as he and Tai walked into the forest.
"Now, should someone follow Agumon to make sure he doesn't actually kill Tai?" Izzy asked.
"Nah...I feel like if something like that happened, maybe the rest of our journey might go a little easier and quicker. Less fighting," Matt sipped at his beer.
"Hmm, we would be doing less 'side quests'," TK stretched his legs out.
"And we wouldn't have to hear him be so mean and angry towards everyone," Mimi yawned. "What's your least favourite memory of Tai?"
"Oh, we could go on all night," Matt scoffed.
"We got nothing else better to do," Izzy shrugged.
"You're right. I'll make another batch of hotdogs," Matt said.
"And I'll get us another round of beer," TK walked to the fridge.
"Ooooh, it's meeee, I'mmm the problem...it's me," Joe sarcastically grumbled as he gingerly scaled the side of the mountain. "I'll show them, I'll show all those little assholes. No, in fact, screw them! I hope there's a way home at the top of the mountain! I'll ghost them all, and I'll point and laugh at them as they're stuck in this hellhole while I go back to the real world...which is still a hellhole, but it's a hellhole with regular access to a comfortable bed and food! Fuck all those shitbags!"
*rumble rumble*
"Oh shit! Please tell me there isn't an earthquake happening!" Joe clutched onto the side of the mountain for support and looked up at the sky.
"Ow, who did that? I'll kick your ass!"
"Uh oh...if only Gomamon was here- not that he would be any helpful, but at least I could use him as bait," Joe hid behind a large boulder.
"Hey jackass! Was it you?" a unicorn-looking creature with wings and a red, metal face mask flew in front of Joe.
"Was wh-wh-wh-what me?" Joe stammered.
"Play stupid games, win stupid prizes! Don't dish it out if you can't take it! Aerial Attack!" the unicorn vomited a beam of light towards Joe.
"Gah! What the hell?! I didn't even do anything!" Joe screamed.
"I hate stupid people! Just own up to what you did! Aerial Attack!" the unicorn digimon growled.
"Stop it, stop it! I really have no idea what you're talking about!" Joe whimpered as he tried to dodge the laser beam.
"Aerial Attack, Aerial Attack, Aerial Attack!"
"Oh my god, he's got one of those stupid black gears in his back...what am I going to do? I'm fucked!" Joe frantically looked around and panicked.
"You're getting it now!" the unicorn digimon smirked.
"Screw this. It's not like I'll make it alive either way, but might as well try dying a hero...," Joe climbed on top of a large rock and launched himself off of it.
"Ooof! What the hell?! Hop off!" the unicorn digimon swung in erratic directions.
"Cut it out! I'm trying to help youuuuu!" Joe grumbled, struggling to pull out the black gear wedged in the digimon's back.
"Yeah, because you're sooooo helpful!" the digimon growled.
"I'm trying to be! Now stop complaining or I'll have to punch your back in...oh my god, I'm starting to sound like-"
"Hey Joe! What are you doing from up there?!" Tai yelled.
"Hey...," Greymon unenthusiastically waved at them.
"Tai?" Joe gasped.
"I'm here too!" Sora hung from one of Birdramon's legs, with Gomamon in tow.
"Whoa! You guys! I told you not to follow me!" Joe exclaimed.
"But aren't you glad we did? Looks like you're in trouble!" Birdramon said.
"He's in big trouble once I get him off of me! This bastard is persistent, I tell ya!" the unicorn growled.
"Unimon! That's so not like you to be so grumpy! What's the deal?" Greymon growled.
"Hello? Have you seen what's on his back?" Gomamon scoffed.
"Thank you! Who would be happy about this at all?!" the unicorn digimon grunted.
"Don't worry, Unimon! We're going to help you out!" Birdramon flapped her wings.
"That's what I was trying to do!" Joe huffed.
"You're not doing the best job though, are you, Joe?" Gomamon narrowed his eyes.
"Fine! I get it, I shouldn't be left to my own devices, huh?" Joe rolled his eyes. Suddenly, a white light shone through his pocket and hit Gomamon.
"Oh no, you're getting too big for me to hold!" Sora dropped Gomamon.
"Gomamon digivolve to Ikkakumon! Harpoon Torpedo!" Ikkakumon landed on the mountain ledge and shot a missle from his horn.
"Ahhh! Watch where you aim that thing! You almost shot me!" Joe screamed.
"Oh damn...almost," Ikkakumon let out a nervous laugh. "Harpoon Torpedo!"
"Ikkakumon, call me crazy but it almost seems like you're aiming at Joe on purpose," Sora scrunched her eyebrows.
"Oh, am I?" Ikkakumon hummed .
"Dude, you need to chill out! We might not like him, but without Joe, you'd never be able to turn into Ikkakumon in the first place!" Greymon charged towards Ikkakumon.
"Worth it! Harpoon Torpedo!" Ikkakumon shot another missle from his horn.
"Are you seriously trying to kill me?" Joe wailed.
"Birdramon, I'll take care of Ikkakumon- you take care of Joe and get that black gear out!" Greymon commanded.
"Sounds like a plan!" Birdramon grabbed Joe by her claws.
"Novaaaa Blast!" Greymon shot a ball of fire towards Ikkakumon.
"Oof, what the-" Ikkakumon fell back against the mountain and transformed back down to Gomamon.
"Meteor Wing!" Birdramon flapped her wings towards the Unimon until the black gear forced itself out.
*thud*
"Oomph!" the Unimon grunted as he crashed to the ground.
"Unimon! Are you okay?" Agumon ran over to him.
"Sure, I was burned alive, but that annoying thing on my back is gone now!" Unimon sighed in relief.
"Yeah, those giant Reese's cups have not been exactly the funnest things to deal with. They've been getting lodged in a lot of digimon, and we've helped a couple of them take those things out already," Biyomon shook her head.
"Giant Reese's cups? So this nerdy, stringy dude had nothing to do with it?" the Unimon pointed a hoof at Joe.
"Nope," Tai shook his head.
"Well, sorry I called you a stupid jackass," the Unimon apologized to Joe.
"Don't apologize to him, he is a stupid jackass...," Gomamon narrowed his eyes at Joe.
"Wow, is this the company you keep?" the Unimon mumbled in Joe's ear.
"Not willingly," Joe muttered back.
"Uh, well...thanks for helping me out guys, but I have stuff to do. Good luck on your endeavours, whatever they are," the Unimon shrugged and flew away.
"Is it too late to ask him to take me with him?" Joe mumbled.
"Joe, what possessed you to try to explore this mountain by yourself?" Sora yanked his arm.
"I'm just trying to find a way out of here! I don't want to be a hero, I don't want to explore all of the different corners of the digital world, I don't care about doing any side quests! All I want to do is go home, where I can pretend none of this ever happened!" Joe wailed.
"Hmmm, is that so?" Agumon tapped his chin.
"We definitely understand," Biyomon gently patted him with her wing,
"I'm sorry I was being a jerk, Joe. I never really considered how this can be so stressful for you. Can you forgive me?" Gomamon pouted.
"Huh? Uh...sure?" Joe blinked in confusion.
"Sora, is it me or are the digimon acting suspicious?" Tai whispered in Sora's ear.
"Hmm, I hate to agree but I think you're right," Sora quietly mouthed.
"Hey! You know what we should do? We're already almost up the mountain- let's just finish climbing up to the top. Maybe we'll get a better view and see where we should go from here! The sun's about to rise, so we'll get to see everything much better too!" Agumon said.
"That's a great idea," Sora pensively said.
"Alright! Let's get a move on!" Tai rubbed his hands together and snapped his fingers.
"Uh guys?" Biyomon flew up near the peak of the mountain. "Do you want to hear the bad news or the good news first?"
"Oh no...let's have the bad news first," Joe winced.
"Well, we're on an island that's surrounded in nothing but water, and I don't see any other land on the horizon...," Biyomon said.
"So what's the good news?" Tai put his hands on his hips.
"We're on an island? Wouldn't another beach day seem nice?" Biyomon nervously chirped.
Meanwhile...
"Mmm...did we really stay up all night trash talking Tai?" Mimi stretched her arms up and yawned.
"Not surprised. It's not like we were going to run out of material anytime soon," Matt smirked.
"Speaking of Tai, isn't it weird that no one came back yet?" Izzy sprawled out on the ground.
"I knew it was a bad idea to follow Joe," Matt shrugged.
"Well...what should we do?" Mimi swirled her finger in the dirt.
"We can't just sit here forever," Palmon frowned.
"Maybe we should go up that mountain and see if we can get a better view of where we are?" Tentomon buzzed.
"Awww, I don't feel like hiking though," Mimi whined.
"I don't think we have to do all of that...Tentomon, have you heard of microdosing?" Izzy grabbed his backpack.
"Oh no... I don't think I'd be interested in that!" Tentomon nervously said.
"Look, it's the only reasonable way for us to get up that mountain," Izzy held up a tiny crumb of a blue crystal.
"Oh no...," Tentomon slowly walked backwards.
Author's Note: So the gang shared how they like their franks, how do you like yours? Share your favorite toppings or how you like your hot dogs prepared, or if you agree with any of the kids! Personally, I think you can't go wrong with a Fenway Frank with mustard!